NINE
"Chris?" Said softly."Yeah?" Equally softly.
"Ya ever gonna tell me?" A trace of hopelessness, not quite hidden.
"Tell you what, Vin?" He knows what. He's just determined to be difficult. Hoping his companion will give up. Stop asking questions.
"Tell me what's been botherin' ya ever since those two bastards got a hold of ya." Just as determined to get an answer. He won't stop. Not this time.
"What do you mean by that?" Voice is hard. Defensive.
"Meant exactly what I said." Voice is stubborn. Implacable.
"Aint nothing to tell. Forgive me if I don't appreciate being shot and held captive by a couple of crazy cowhands." Sarcasm at its finest. Battle lines have been drawn.
"Didn't suppose ya did." Neutral. Not quite ready to start an all out offensive just yet.
"Then what the hell are you trying to get at?" Sits up, so he looms over his companion. The best defense is a good offense.
"The truth." Lays there, staring up into the green eyes. Wonders if he knows what the hell he's doing.
"Truth is overrated." Changes tactics. Voice becomes soft, seductive. A hand runs slowly along his companion's flank.
"Tell me. Please." Whispers, almost begging. It would be so easy to lose himself in that touch. He shifts away from the hand.
"I can't." Flat. Uncompromising. Rolls over so that he is no longer touching his companion.
There is silence. Then
"Ya talk in your sleep." Th words are so low, it takes a moment for them to register.
"So you already know everything, then." Said in a furious hiss as he turns to stare at his companion, green eyes cold with rage.
"Not everything." Reaches out a hand, hoping to calm the other man.
"What would you like to know?" The gunslinger doesn't wait for an answer. He moves, quick as a cat, to grasp the other man's wrists in his hands. He covers the tracker's body with his own, effectively immobilizing him. He stares down into the blue eyes looking up at him with a world of pain in them.
"Would you like to know what it felt like like to be tied to a bed and fucked until you thought you would die from the pain? From the shame?" There is no mercy in him. He wants to hurt the other man.
"Nothat aint" The tracker's voice is broken. Sick with regret. With sorrow. With guilt.
"Would you like me to show you everything they did?" The gunslinger presses his lips down brutally on his companion's mouth. There is the coppery taste of blood. A small moan escapes the other man.
The blonde continues his attack. He nips visciously at the tender flesh of his companion's neck, before moving down to the chest and the sensitive nipples. He leaves a trail of marks in his wake. Bruises. His companion is twisting beneath him, panting with his efforts to escape. And something else.
The gunslinger smiles in triumph. He can feel the hardening and stirring of the flesh beneath him. The tracker stops moving. Shame makes him turn his head away, hiding the sheen of tears in the blue eyes. He is aroused by the gunslinger, despite everything.
"I'm sorry." His voice trembles slightly. God. If this was even half the humiliation that the gunslinger had suffered, then the tracker didn't know how he'd survived the experience.
"Just go. Please." The gunslinger releases his grip on the other man. He sounds tired. Defeated. Green eyes closed tightly so he won't have to see the expression on his companion's face.
The long haired man gets up and quietly retrieves his clothes while the gunslinger lays on the bed, face twisted with pain and guilt.
"How long have you known?" The soft question causes the tracker to turn in surprise. He has just put on his gunbelt and is in the process of tying the leather thong around a muscular thigh. He pauses and then continues with what he is doing, not looking at the gunslinger as he replies.
"Since that first night." The tracker speaks in a voice that sounds almost as weary as he feels.
"Andthe others?" There is a hint of thickness in the soft voice. The sound of unshed tears.
"I'd guess they figured it out about the same time." He turns to fully face the gunslinger. Hoping forhe wasn't sure. Forgiveness? Love? A new beginning?
There is no reply from the still figure on the bed. Just a look of bleak desolation that cuts through the heart and into the soul of the tracker. He takes a hesitant step towards the bed. The gunslinger shakes his head, the movement so slight as to be almost nonexistent. But it is enough. The tracker turns and walks out the door, knowing there is nothing else he can do.
+ + + + + + +
Shit. How did things spin out of his control so fast? The look of shame on his lover's face was a worse agony than the memory of his captivity. He loved Vin and look what he had done to him. At least his two captors had never made any pretense at love. He was no better than they were. Shit. Shit. Shit.
He didn't know what to do. Didn't think he had the strength to battle this alone anymore. But how could he ask Vin, or any of the others, for help? He couldn't even face them. Knowing that they were aware of his shame. Had been for weeks. And Vin? Was the tracker thinking about how Chris' body had been defiled every time they were together? How could he not? Vin was just too honorable to abandon a friend who was so obviously in need. It was pity, not love, that Chris had seen in those blue eyes. Fuck. He blinked back tears that stubbornly refused to fall, despite the fact that there was no longer anyone here to see them.
A knock on the door interrupted these bleak thoughts. He felt his heart leap into his throat. He didn't know how to make things right. But maybe the tracker did.
"Door's open." He called, wincing inwardly at the harshness of it.
Buck Wilmington walked through the door. He glanced around the room. "Where's Vin?" he asked.
"Vin aint here. What do you want?" Chris snapped, shame making his temper flare.
"You better find him. We got trouble coming. The Greer gang is headin' towards town. Rumor has it they're plannin' on hittin' our bank." Buck eyed the gunslinger keenly as he spoke, frowning at what he saw.
"You better find him. I'll meet you in town soon as I get dressed." Chris still refused to look his old friend in the eye.
"No. You find Vin and make things right with that boy. Apologize. kiss and make up. Whatever. Just do it." Buck ordered the gunslinger tersely.
"I aint sure we can make this right." Instead of the anger he'd been expecting to feel, Chris felt tired. Tired of the pain. Tired of being alone. Tired of the memories that haunted him.
"Believe me, pard. Vin would forgive ya for anything. I bet ya could kill him and collect the bounty on his head and he'd still love ya." Buck snorted at the thought.
"This is worse. II shamed him. Like I was" Chris could hardly choke out the words.
"You mean you?" Buck's voice held no condemnation. Just sorrow.
"NoNo I couldn't do that. I just was a bitI made him like it when..." Chris trailed off, face burning, unable to explain further.
"Oh." The relief in Buck's tone was unmistakable. "Go apologize, Chris. There aint nothin' to it."
"It aint that simple, Buck." Chris began.
"Didn't we have this conversation once before?" interrupted the other man. "I was wrong that time. But this time I want you to listen to me. He loves you. You love him. It is that simple."
"But" Again Chris was interrupted.
"I don't want to hear no excuses. The Greer gang is comin'. Now go set things straight with Vin. And then you both get your sorry butts back to town. We need ya." Buck spoke simply, matter of factly.
The gunslinger didn't answer, unable to quite bring himself to believe the other man.
"I need ya, Chris. I can't, won't fail ya again. Like I did after Sarah and Adam" The sorrow and guilt in his friend's voice broke through the last of the gunslinger's defenses. How could he condemn his oldest friend to the same Hell that he'd lived in since that day?
He hesitantly placed a hand on Buck's shoulder. "You aint never failed me. You're the only one besides me that remembers them. I need you."
"Well, now that we got that settled, do ya think you can go find a certain heartsore young tracker before we start wallowin' in the sentiment here?" Buck's attempt at their usual playful banter brought a smile to the other man's lips. A small smile. But genuine.
"We'll see you in town." The words were a promise.
"We'll be expectin' ya." Buck left with a tip of his hat in the gunslinger's direction.
Chris dressed quickly and left right behind his friend. He knew where Vin had gone. He only hoped the other man was willing to hear him out. That he hadn't ruined everything.
+ + + + + + +
How could he have messed everything up so badly? He was right back where he'd started, at the old fishing hole. He picked up another rock, for all the good it had done him last time. Maybe he should try sticks or something.
He could still feel the shame burning in him. What kind of sick bastard was he? Chris had been trying to humiliate him. Show him what it had been like for the gunslinger. And what does Vin do? Gets a goddamn erection, that's what. Chris probably wonders if I think that he liked what they did to him. God. I couldn't help myself. It was Chris touchin' me. But how do I explain the difference to him? He won't ever want anything to do with me again. I can't blame him. I took the shame and guilt he felt and magnified it a thousandfold through my own stupid actions.
I just didn't know what else to do. Don't know what to do now. I should've left well enough alone. Let him work things out for himself. Been stronger. Not gone chargin' in where angels fear to tread, as Josiah is so fond of sayin'. Only he's usually talkin' about JD when he says it. Maybe I shoulda let the kid talk to Chris. He sure couldn't a made things any worse than I did.
He picked up another rock, wondering if there were enough stones in the world for this.
+ + + + + + +
"Vin?" The gunslinger stood a few feet away, watching as the tracker flung another stone into the water.
"Chris." An acknowledgement. He'd follow the gunslinger's lead.
"II don't know where to start." The blackclad man's voice was slightly rueful. He'd come this far. He was determined to finish it. He just didn't know how to start it.
"Beginnin's usually best." Vin smiled up at the other man, heart filling with an impossible hope at the gunslinger's words.
Chris approached and slowly sat down next to the tracker, not quite touching him.
"I'm sorry. For everything. I should've told you. You deserved to know. Before you started sharing my bed." Chris strove to keep his voice calm, even. But the words came out in statacco bursts.
Vin turned to look at him. Any words he might have said remained unspoken when he saw the expression on the gunslinger's face. Instead of answering, he wrapped his arms tightly around the other man and held on. He could feel the initial resistance in Chris, which gradually gave way as shuddering sobs began to wrack the lean form.
"It's ok, cowboy." Vin murmured the words over and over, like a litany. The gunslinger eventually subsided and lay there quietly for a few moments in the shelter of the tracker's arms. Then he sat up and looked at Vin directly. Meeting his eyes with only a slight flinch.
"I don't know if I canif we can" Chris took a deep breath and began again.
"I can't guarantee we'll make it or that you'll think it was worth all the trouble, if we do." A wry grin accompanied this statement. "But I'd like to try." The wary hope in the green eyes caused the tracker to tighten his arms around the gunslinger once more.
"We'll make it, cowboy. Heaven or Hell, we're goin' together." It was an oath. A promise. A vow to the man in his arms. And Vin Tanner always kept his word.
EPILOGUE
Hey, Chris. You got things under control?" Buck approached the spot where Chris and Nathan were busy subduing the last remnants of the Greer gang."I'm getting there, pard. I'm getting there." Chris smiled briefly at his old friend. They both knew he was talking about more than the Greer's.
The last shadows of guilt lifted from Buck Wilmington's eyes at the gunslinger's words. "I know you are, Chris. I'm countin' on it."
+ + + + + + +
Vin Tanner took off his hat and ran nervous fingers through hair still slightly damp from the bath he'd taken earlier. Just before ridin' out here to Chris Larabee's "shack in the hills", as Buck so colorfully put it. He took a deep breath. Easy, Tanner. Aint like the two of you never done this before. Except they hadn't. Not really. Not like this. With no barriers between them. No secrets.
He knocked tentatively on the door of the shack. Shit. You'd think he was some wet behind the ears kid, JD's age, from the way he was carryin' on. But he couldn't help it. He wanted everything to be perfect tonight. Wanted to wash away the memories of the gunslinger's brutal rape and replace them with memories of him. Of them. Together. Vin knew it wouldn't really be that easy. But it didn't stop him from wantin' to try.
"Come in." The gunslinger sounded a bit nervous himself. Vin didn't know if that made him feel better or worse. Then he decided it didn't matter what he felt. Chris was the one he should be thinkin' about.
"Evenin', cowboy." Vin greeted the gunslinger as he opened the door and entered the house. Well, no. He had to go with Buck on this one. It really was more of a shack. Then he got a good look at the gunslinger and he felt the breath catch in his throat.
Chris was standing in the center of the room, clad only in a pair of his usual tight black denim pants and a loose black shirt. His blonde hair gleamed wetly in the light and Vin could see droplets of water still clinging to the sides of his neck and the top of his chest, where he hadn't finished buttoning his shirt. He watched, tranfixed, as they slowly made their way down that creamy skin before disappearing from sight.
He wanted to follow the path made by those droplets with his tongue. He longed for the sweet, smoky taste of the gunslinger's skin. It felt like an eternity had passed since he'd touched Chris. Since he'd made love to him.
Get a grip, Tanner. Say somethin' to the man. Somethin' besides 'Can I please throw you down on the bed and fuck you til ya can't see straight?'
"Ya look...uh...nice." Oh God. That was lame. JD could've done better than that.
"Thanks. You don't look so bad, yourself." The gunslinger seemed slightly embarrassed by this exchange. He busied himself with opening a bottle of whiskey and pouring them each a glass. He handed one to the tracker and both men stood silently for a moment, sipping their drinks. Not sure what to say. Not wanting to say the wrong thing.
"Uh...Vin? You can take off your coat, you know. Maybe stay awhile." The gunslinger smiled a bit at his companion's sheepish expression. "If you want to, that is." He added quietly.
"Aint no question of that." Vin replied firmly, shrugging out of his hide coat and removing his hat. He walked over to hang them both on the pegs near the door. When he turned back around, he saw Chris watching him. There was a look on the gunslinger's face of such need, such longing, that Vin felt a sudden lump in his throat and had to blink back the sudden sting of tears.
Get a grip. he ordered himself. Ya aint gonna spook Chris by blubberin' like an idiot just cause he looked at ya.
But, oh lord, what a look. The tracker wondered if his own face reflected such intense need. As if your every breath was dependent upon that other person.
He had no memory of crossing the length of floor seperating him from Chris. He was just there. Right where he wanted to be. Where he needed to be. He reached out and brushed the back of his hand gently across the gunslinger's face.
"Chris. I want...We need...Together. Always." Vin's voice was husky with suppressed emotion as he tried to find the words. The right words. The perfect words.
The gunslinger made no reply to this rather incoherent statement. Instead, he grasped the hand that was still gently stroking his cheek and turned it over, pressing a delicate, feather light, kiss on the palm.
The tracker shivered. The sensation of those cool lips on the sensitive skin of his palm was delightful. He never knew his rough, calloused hands could be so sensitive. He moaned as the gunslinger slid one of Vin's fingers into his warm, wet mouth. Then another one. Swirling his tongue around, sucking gently. He did all of the tracker's fingers, one by one. Staring down into Vin's blue eyes all the while.
"Stop." Vin gasped as his companion reached for the other hand.
Chris immediately dropped his hand and stepped back, cool, stony mask dropping quickly into place.
"No. I mean, I don't want ya to stop. It's just...I aimed to make this a special night for you." The tracker stopped, not wanting to dredge up any painful memories for the gunslinger.
Chris smiled. The indifferent mask slid away. Vin swore he would never do anything to bring it back again. Never do anything to change the way the gunslinger was lookin' at him now. With eyes full of love. Full of desire. For him.
He didn't realize he'd spoken aloud until Chris slid his arms around Vin's waist, pulling him close. "All for you." he whispered in the tracker's ear.
Vin put his hands on Chris' chest, and began slowly working each button of the gunslinger's shirt free. He slid the shirt off Chris' shoulders, letting it fall in a careless heap to the floor. Lowering his head, he placed his lips on the juncture of neck and collar bone and began lightly sucking on the tender spot.
Chris shivered when he felt the tracker's tongue dart out to flick lightly at his skin. Vin began trailing kisses up the side of the gunslinger's neck. Licking, sucking, biting gently. Chris moaned when that teasing tongue flicked out to touch his ear. He ran his hands down his lover's back.
"Off." he murmured, tugging insistently at the tracker's red shirt.
Vin stopped his delicious exploration of Chris' body and stepped back. He began to obediently unbutton his shirt. He watched Chris from under lowered lashes as the gunslinger went to sit on the edge of the bed, breathing quickly as more and more of the tracker's lean, muscled torso was exposed. He watched the gunslinger remove his own pants with shaking fingers, revealing the rapidly swelling erection beneath.
Vin tossed his shirt aside and grinned wickedly. He began running his hands lightly over his chest, skimming over his nipples which hardened almost instantly under the delicate touch. He moved his hands lower, hovering teasingly over the waistband of his pants. A wordless growl came from the vicinity of the gunslinger and he began slowly unfastening the pants, sliding them down his narrow hips and over well defined legs, until at last he stepped out of them and began walking towards the bed where Chris sat.
He came to a stop before the gunslinger, who reached out and ran a hand down his chest and across the flat belly til it reached his straining erection. Vin closed his eyes when he felt those cool fingers wrap around him. Oh God. Chris felt so good touchin' him like that. He had to stop, or Vin wouldn't be able to control himself. And he wanted to make the gunslinger mindless with pleasure first. Then he'd worry about finding his own release.
He pressed Chris gently backwards onto the bed, covering him with his body as he did so. Then he pressed his lips against the gunslinger's in a tender kiss. Tryin' to say, without words, all that he was feelin'.
The gunslinger responded by deepening the kiss, tongue demanding entrance to the tracker's mouth. The gunslinger's mouth was hot. Insistent. Each kiss burning its way into the heart and soul of the tracker. He was lost in the sensation.
With a sound that was half groan, half laugh, Chris flipped over suddenly, trapping Vin beneath him. Then it was the gunslinger's turn to kiss and nibble and explore every inch of his companion's body. He swirled his tongue over Vin's already hardened nipples til they ached with desire. He nipped gently at the tender flesh of Vin's inner thigh. The tracker moaned and tossed his head. He thought he might die if the gunslinger didn't stop. Then he was certain he'd die if he did. Shudders wracked his body. He swore he could feel every nerve ending in his body screaming Chris' name.
How had he lost control of the situation? He was supposed to be doing this for Chris. He began to struggle feebly, trying to sit up.
"Let me. Touch you." Vin gasped the words, then lost any further ability at speech as warm lips closed over his aching cock. Oh God. Please don't let Chris stop.
The gunslinger removed his mouth, causing Vin to whimper in dismay. "Let me do this for you. Please."
"Yes." Vin just wanted to feel that mouth on him again. Chris began running his tongue up and down the length of him, before taking him gently back into his mouth.
"Love you." Vin writhed on the bed, hardly aware of what he was saying as Chris continued to torment him with lips and tongue. He came a few minutes later with great shuddering bursts. His whole body felt like it was on fire. Oh God. The pleasure was so intense it was almost pain.
He gradually became aware of the gunslinger, cradling him gently in the curve of his arm. He could feel the gunslinger's erection pressing against his backside. He turned slightly, so he could look at the other man.
"Chris. Would you...?" Vin hoped the gunslinger would know what he meant.
"I don't want to hurt you." Chris sounded unsure of himself. Vulnerable. "I was always afraid I'd lose control. Hurt you." the gunslinger's confession was made in a shamed whisper.
"I aint afraid of you hurtin' me. Never have been. I'm afraid of you not lovin' me. I'm afraid of you leavin' me. But not hurtin' me. You aint nothin' like them." Vin's reassurances didn't appear to completely satisfy his companion. He rolled over til he was straddling the gunslinger's body. He wiggled his hips, causing Chris to groan and clench his hands tightly, bunching the blanket between his fingers.
Vin leaned down and began raining kisses all along the other man's jaw. Down the smooth chest. Down the hard muscled abdomen. Down the lean length of leg. He sucked lightly on the gunslinger's toes before he began working his way back up the other leg, teasingly brushing his lips across the other man's erection. He could feel himself harden and stir again as he continued arousing the gunslinger's senses to a fever pitch.
"Please, Chris. Ya gotta." Vin needed it almost as bad as the gunslinger by now.
He almost cried in relief as he felt the other man reach past him to coat his fingers with the ointment Nathan had given Vin earlier. He moaned when he felt the gunslinger hesitantly slip a finger inside him, gently stretching.
"Hurry, Chris." he pleaded. "I can't wait."
The gunslinger slowly slid in another finger. Then another. Vin was about scream with frustration when he felt something hard and warm press against his entrance. Then Chris was inside him. Slow and steady at first. Then faster and faster as they both neared the edge. The gunslinger found his release first and the look on his face and the sound of his voice calling out Vin's name pushed the tracker over the edge as well.
They lay there quietly in a tangle of sweat soaked limbs. Then Vin propped himself up on an elbow to stare down into the gunslinger's brilliant green eyes. "Love ya." he said. Clearly and deliberately. Wanting there to be no mistake, no misunderstanding about it.
The gunslinger didn't reply for so long that Vin felt his heart begin to shrivel up inside him. Maybe Chris wasn't ready for that yet? But how could Vin hide somethin' he felt with every fiber of his being? Damn. Would he ever learn? Ever stop bein' a fool? He lay back down against the pillow, debating whether Chris wanted him to leave or not, when he felt a hand smooth the tangled locks of hair off his brow.
The gunslinger reached down and clasped one of the tracker's hands in his own, before bringing it up to his lips and placing a brief kiss on it. "Love you, too. All the way to heaven. I think we've seen our share of Hell."
"Chris. We don't have to go nowhere. This is heaven, cowboy." Vin curled up with a contented sigh and rested his head on the gunslinger's shoulder. Yep. Heaven alright. Together.
THE END