So few people's voice calmed me the way his did. I didn't really know why, though. It was something that was, so I didn't really question it. I found out that questioning things that once made sense made those things suddenly seem different, off-kilter somehow. So, I didn't question why his voice calmed me. I accepted it.
He was reading Shakespeare to me, hoping to add some culture and refinement to my 'uncouth' ways. Heh. I didn't even know what 'uncouth' meant until he explained it to me. I didn't even bother to be insulted. There was no point. He had said it with a twinkle in his eyes, so I knew he wasn't really saying anything that bad.
"'Alas, that love, whose view is muffled still,
Should, without eyes, see pathways to his will!
Where shall we dine? O me! What fray was here?
Yet tell me not, for I have heard it all."
He was reading something about love and hate. Love. It wasn't a word that should be mentioned. Not at all. I didn't know why he would pick a play about love to read to me. Was he trying to say something? Probably not. Ezra was subtle, but not that subtle. Not when it came to me. I needed big hints, according to him anyhow. I wasn't that stupid. I wasn't that dense. I had seen that he wanted me, didn't I? I didn't need him holding up a sign that said, "Mr. Tanner, sleep with me" to get me to notice his interest.
I just didn't know why me. Yeah. Why me? Why, of all the people in this town, hell, in this world, he would pick me? I was just some scruffy, wild boy, and he was a 'civilised gentleman of refinement'. We were so different, so completely different that his interest had taken me by surprise. It just did not make sense to me for the longest time, even when I was lying in his arms after... you know, doing it for the first time. I didn't really know what to call it. Was it... fucking? But that was such a crude word, one that even I wouldn't use. But it was certainly not making love. No. Definitely not, 'cause there was that 'l' word again. This wasn't love.
So why was I here once again? What made the second time happen? What made the third time happen? What kept returning me to Ezra?
I fidget with the cover corner, not certain just what the hell was happening.
"'Here's much to do with hate, but more with love:
Why, then, O brawling love! O loving hate!
O anything, of nothing first create!
O heavy lightness! serious vanity!
Mis-shapen chaos of well-seeming forms!
Feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire, sick health!
Still-waking sleep, that is not what it is!
This love feel I, that feel no love in this.
Dost thou not laugh?'"
Ezra stopped.
Those last sentence or so... love, once again. What was this thing about love anyway?
"Are you listening?" Ezra asked me.
I didn't really know what to say. I really hadn't been listening to him. Well, I faded in and out, lost in my thoughts. I caught the important bits though, but I didn't want to tell him that. He took reading very seriously.
"Were you listening at all?" Ezra asked with a hint of exasperation. I hated that. He was trying to be patient, but couldn't really quite hide that exasperation. Sometimes I wondered if he wasn't trying hard enough to hide it, or deliberately letting it out slightly. Was he trying to hurt me? Or just a slight verbal poke to the ribs?
Sometimes I wondered what this was all worth to him. This whole affair. And what I was to him. There wasn't supposed to be anything more, but I couldn't help but... but... want more? I didn't really know what I wanted.
I closed my eyes.
"You're the one who wants me to read this to you." More exasperation.
Ouch. But I couldn't let him see that. Why? Why couldn't I let him see?
"Just keep on reading," I said.
Ezra set the book down, but he didn't mark the page. That meant he was going to talk serious with me. Great.
"Please tell me what's wrong," he said.
"Nothin'," I automatically denied.
"Vin...." Ezra warned. That was one small comfort: he didn't call me 'Mr. Tanner' anymore. At least, not in bed.
I sighed, not certain what or what not to say. I leaned my head back so I could see his green eyes. I saw concern. I knew he saw indecision in mine. I wished that he would say something that meant more. But there was no more, I had to remember that. More was an illusion.
"I... I like the sound of your voice," I said. "It doesn't matter what the words are."
But it did. Goddammit, words meant everything. Especially his.
"Do you want to go?" he asked.
Oh Ezra, why couldn't you say what I wanted you to say! But he wasn't a mind reader. I turned my head away, and I placed my hand over his, hoping, somehow, I could convey my thoughts through that touch.
"No. I don't ever want to go. I like being with you." C'mon Ezra, catch the 'ever'.
Ezra held me closer, and I desperately hoped that he had caught my meaning, whatever it might be. I held his hand tighter in mine, but somehow, I knew that he didn't understand.
"You ever think 'bout talkin'?" I asked, hoping that would snare Ezra into understanding.
"Talk? About what?"
"Just talkin'. We don't really say anything anymore. Don't you notice it?"
"Yes," Ezra replied, but that was it. Nothing more. He wasn't going to share his thoughts.
Oh well. I guess that was that. I shrugged. "It doesn't matter."
"Yes it does!" Ezra said with sudden passion.
I shifted so that I could face him. I needed to see his face. I needed to be straight forward. Sometimes, Ezra was the dense one.
"We don't talk," I said again. "But talking isn't what we're aimin' for anyway."
Ezra frowned. Well, that was a start.
"That's never the point of this whole thing anyway. It was just fucking," I stated bluntly. That should get his attention. But then, I suddenly realized that, in the end, it really didn't matter, did it? Ezra wouldn't understand. He never would. I couldn't make him understand. We were just two completely different people who wound up on the same bed. There was nothing more. There couldn't be, because it just wouldn't work out.
Ezra started to open his mouth to complain, but I covered it with one hand as my thoughts shifted tracks. "Don't argue with me, Ezra. You know so. It's what we agreed on in the beginning."
Yes, the agreement. Had to remember that.
Ezra pulled my hand from his mouth. "In the beginning, Vin. We're not in the beginning anymore," he said.
Heh. So what, Ezra? "But we're not goin' anywhere, are we?" I said candidly. I knew that would hurt him, but I should've known that this whole thing would end like that: in hurt. Relationships, no matter how they formed, no matter how long they lasted, would always wound up pulling feelings into the mix. This was just sex, but it evolved. It grew. It lasted when it was meant to be short and brief. Eventually, we would talk about more. More than this. More than what we were doing. More feelings, more... love.
"How long 'fore the others find out?" I pressed on. "How long we gonna pretend that nothin' is happenin' 'tween us? I know we agreed. I know we both agreed that it was one time, but I can't help the second, you can't help the third."
It was desperation and desire the first time, on both parts. I knew it to be the truth. But... but I had wanted one more night. He had wanted one more night. One night. Two nights. Three nights. More and more.
"But the only thing this is, is sex," I concluded.
"We do other stuff," Ezra argued. "I read to you. We both like that."
Oh yes, I loved his voice, but that was so weak. So pathetically weak. "I love it when you read to me."
Silence.
"Do you want more?" Ezra suddenly asked.
I blinked, surprised, but I knew I shouldn't be.
"Vin?" Ezra asked.
It was well enough that I understood, but I didn't think I could make Ezra understand. How could I end something that hadn't even begun?
How could I lose something that wasn't even mine to begin with?
"You're beautiful, you know that?" I tried to avoid the subject.
"So are you, Vin. You're always beautiful." Ezra smiled and tucked a lock of my hair behind my ear. I loved it when he did that. It was so sweet.
I smiled back. I knew it wasn't a happy smile, and my heart ached to see the look in his eyes change with my smile. Why couldn't he understand?
"You said that we don't talk anymore. Do you want to talk?" Ezra asked.
Talk. Yes, quiet little me explain, in words, about stuff that shouldn't exist. "Words... are yours," I settled with saying. I knew he wouldn't understand.
"Mine?" Ezra asked with a voice of curiousity. There was almost amusement in that voice.
"Words are yours. They're always yours."
"What about you?"
I didn't think that he would ask. Words were his. Naturally, stuff that weren't words were mine. I shrugged, trying to be nonchalant. I looked away, not wanting to meet his gaze. Somehow, that hurt. "Silence," I replied.
"What do you mean?"
I tried to explain, "Words... are sounds. Sounds are yours. So silence is mine."
"Vin...." Ezra pleaded. I knew he wanted to understand.
I pulled away from Ezra, not wanting to explain anymore. "I should go. Chris said he'll come by my place in the morning. Can't have him see me scurryin' out of your room and back to mine." Imagine Chris' surprise if he ever found out about Ezra and me.
"To hell with Chris," Ezra said abruptly.
I turned sharply around. That statement surprised me, considering the amount of respect Ezra had for Chris. I would never imagine him to say those words. "What?"
"This is about you and me, Vin. Don't leave. Not now." Oh, Ezra was really serious now.
"I always leave 'fore mornin', Ezra. It's what we agreed on." I wished that he didn't force this.
"We've broken agreements before."
Ezra's green eyes pleaded. I hated it when he pleaded. It was never with words, but with a look that made me want to kiss him. Aha! Feelings. Shit.
"You want me to stay?" I stared at him, hoping that he would change his mind.
Ezra nodded.
"It's midnight already," I debated.
"Everyone's asleep," Ezra added.
I suddenly smiled, hoping to throw Ezra off balance. "Not Buck."
Ezra smiled back, completely composed. Damn him! "Probably not," he said.
Couldn't he realize the seriousness of this whole damn thing?! There was more at stake here than he could imagine, and he probably didn't even realize it. All he probably knew was that something was wrong. Something was wrong with me, and he didn't understand why. We were approaching oblivion and he didn't even know it.
I wanted more than the world to avoid it. Just end it without him ever realizing how close I was to falling. I wanted to end it without him realizing that understanding was so close, but never reachable because of the abyss that was between us.
But that hurt.
I slid beneath the covers and rested my head against the headboard.
It hurt. It would hurt me beyond imagination. A small, selfish part of me wanted Ezra to suffer as well, because this wasn't totally my fault. I wasn't alone in this bed. He, and me. Both of us. But the noble thing, of course, would be to take the pain and limp away without him knowing. He didn't need to know what he had lost. A chance. A dead end chance, but a chance nonetheless. I had to decide for him.
"Ezra?" I asked.
"Mmmm?" he answered. He probably thought everything was back to normal.
Serious conversation wasn't something we did together. Serious conversation would allow him to know more than he should.
"Let's not do this anymore." End it now, rather than later. That made sense.
"Pardon me?" he exclaimed in surprise.
"It's not really workin' out is it? I mean, it was supposed to be a one-shot deal, but we just went ahead and did it more than once. I mean... What I'm tryin' to say is that... nothin' good is gonna come outta this, so let's just cut it off now, 'fore... before anything bad happens."
I hated coming up with reasons that weren't the real reasons.
"Like what?" Ezra demanded.
"Like Chris finds out and he shoots the both of us." That was a logical reason. It made sense.
"He won't find out, Vin."
"Yeah? How would you know? Maybe he knows already and he's just waitin' for a good day to hang the both of us."
"Goddammit Vin! Why can't you just tell me what's really wrong instead of playing this strange game with me?" Ezra demanded angrily. Very angrily.
Oops, Ezra wasn't as dense as I had hoped.
"I don't play games, Ezra. That's yours." Confusion might work.
"What is with this 'yours' and 'mine'? You're not making any sense!"
Ha! Oh Ezra, you have no idea how close to the truth you are!
"That's it! You don't understand, and I don't know how to make you understand. You're the one with the words, and I have no idea how to explain all these things to you, because words are yours. Not mine. I wish... I wish I could make you understand, but there's no point to it."
There, I said it. Happy now?
"Understand what?"
Oh, Ezra, you just don't get it, do you?
"There's nothing to understand, because there's nothing. Nothing between us. Nothing holding us together. There's absolutely nothing. I don't know why I'm in bed with you. I don't know why you would want to sleep with me. We're completely different people, Ezra. And there's nothing."
"But you want something."
Yeah, I do, Ezra. You.
"It's yours. It's mine. It's not ours."
That was it. Finally, Ezra understood.
"It doesn't have to be that way." The ferocity was gone. Completely.
"It's the way it is," I said with finality.
It hurt. It really hurt, even when I was losing something that slipped through my fingers and passed me by. Even when it was something that was never mine.
"'This love feel I, that feel no love in this... Dost thou not laugh?'" I whispered. I hoped that it meant what I thought it meant.
Ezra, I could see, understood. Understood, but too late. I leaned towards Ezra and kissed him tenderly upon the lips. I placed all my feelings into it, hoping that he truly, finally understood what I felt, what I knew, and... why. Why I had to end this, before this began.
I love you, Ezra. I'm sorry.
I slid out of bed and got dressed. I opened the door, and knew that passing through that doorway meant that I would never enter it ever again. One last chance, I could change it. I could take that chance, that dead end chance that would never work.
A small voice inside me whispered: 'it's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all'.
I could take that chance and love Ezra. I would lose him, definitely, but I would have loved, for real. Instead of... instead of...
Never mind.
Just walk away.
I breathed the last taste of air inside Ezra's bedroom, and walked away.
Never mind.
And of course, Ezra was, and never will be, mine.
The End
