Just to Be With You

ONE

The night was cold and getting colder. There was not a star in the sky; at least none were visibly to the man standing on the porch looking up. Snow was coming, he could feel it almost the way he could feel the quilt he now held loosely around him. Or the memories that pulled at the back of his mind.

He could get lost in those memories. The ones that pulled him back to missions that no one knew about or places no one cared about. Most of his life had been classified by one government agency or another.

"The alphabet soup of my life," he whispered into the night. They always came knocking and for reasons he could not rightly explain he answered. He had never truly walked away from the soldier's life. Everything seemed to be an extension of that life, even Chris had come to him because of it. He had no idea that it would hurt this bad watching him go. Then again this wedding is going to hurt more that him leaving the military. I should not be here, he sighed. I should have made something up. But try as he might he could not really regret coming to Chris when he called. If he had he would have missed last night with Chris and the feel of him in his arms. Or how they fit together just right.

He was so deep in thought that he did not hear the door behind him open. The voice did not startle him but the closeness of it did.

"What is it that ails you," Chris asked?

Buck battled the urge to turn around and look at him. Lying to him would be easier it he didn't turn.

"My men," was his only answer out loud. To himself he repeated, my men, my life, and you.

"Your men are fine Buck," Chris assured him and leaned into him without thinking.

Buck felt his closeness and wanted nothing more than to move away, but friends did not do that.

"What about you," Buck asked changing the subject. "Shouldn't you be sleeping, tomorrow is your big day too."

"I was but then you got up and the bed got cold," Chris said putting an arm around Buck's shoulder.

"Get used to it," Buck said moving from his arms to lean on the post before the steps. "I wont be there anymore."

"Nope," Chris said and Buck could hear the smile in his voice. "Sara will be though and she is the best thing in my life. I never loved before her."

His words hit Buck like a physical blow. 'I never loved before her' kept repeating it self in his mind.

"You will understand when you fall in love Buck," Chris continued.

"I thought I had," Buck whispered to himself. 'But it was my luck that the person was and is you.'

"Maybe I will but for now, its enough for this restless warrior just to be with you," Buck said and reached back for Chris' arms.

And as Chris' embrace tightened Buck was reminded of a song he had not heard in a while.

Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you
Or are you going back to the one you love
Someone's gonna cry when they learn they've lost you

Someone's gonna thank the stars above

Chris had already made up is mind. He had never loved him. 'God,' he sent up a silent prayer. 'Please help me get though tomorrow and I will stay away from this man. I will respect every vow he takes tomorrow.' But there was still night in the sky and for now Chris was his.

He forgot all though and lost himself in his lust. He would think about all this again soon enough, probably in some God forsaken place at the worst possible time. But now Chris' mouth was on his and the body in his arms ready for whatever he would give.

They moved slowly back to the door . . . ..

TWO

The next day dawned and Buck hadn't closed his eyes. He watched Chris sleep by the light of the rising sun. While his mind thought over the nights they had shared. He fought to understand how Chris could not have loved him with all they had shared. The laughter and the tears mixed with fear and unconditional understanding. Where all those nights of gentle touches and passionate kisses all imagined or were the tender caresses all is doing and not Chris'. So why, he asked himself, was he still there. In bed with a man who only wanted him for his body if even that and now wanted nothing but friendship.

As he looked down into the upturned face he had to fight back tears. He would not allow himself to cry. There time together had all been in good fun. And now the day was coming and it would be ended. Chris would kiss his bride, the love of his life. As long as Chris was happy then all would be right with the world. While his world turned upside down, he would make Chris happy and give him away to Sara. A woman he was happy he did not know.

Happy that he would not be able to compare himself to her to figure out what made Chris love her and not him. The less he knew about her the better, but he knew that that would not last. Chris would insist that he come visit and that he spend his leave with family. And even if he did not like it Sara was now family because Chris wanted it. Maybe he could convince Chris that he need to be overseas this Christmas. He could look at Sara, God knows she isn't ugly, but he could not stand to know that she and Chris would now be shearing this bed. His heart couldn't take it.

In his arms Chris moved and snuggled closer and he kissed his forehead.

"Love you too darling," Chris said sleepily and then drifted back to sleep. Buck stopped caressing his shoulders and looked down.

Maybe he had heard wrong. Did Chris just say I love you? Did Chris know who he was in bed with? Last night he had said he only loved Sara and now . . . Buck closed his eyes and gave into his heart.

"I love you too Chris," Buck said. He looked around the room and imagined that Chris really meant that he loved him. Then he cataloged it for use later.

5 hrs later

"You ready Chris," Buck asked for the umpteenth time as he walked though the door of the bedroom.

"I will be," Chris said turning to face him. "What about you?"

"Me," Buck said and forced hummer into his voice. "I am not the one buying a cow."

"No, you are not," Chris smiled despite himself. Buck had just call Sara a cow but he know Buck well enough to know he did not mean anything by it. "But you are the one standing up for me. After all we have sheared." He looked towards the bed then back at Buck. "Our relationship is going to change." What was that look in Buck's eyes, he wondered. He could not quit put a name to the feeling he got from that look.

"All thing change Chris," Buck said with as much normalcy as he could. He would have to put aside his feeling for now. "I can only wish you love in all its truth."

"I have it," Chris smiled turning to look at himself in the mirror one last time.

"You have had it for years," Buck said before he could stop himself.

"My family doesn't count Buck," Chris said and Buck had to stop himself from shaking Chris. But then Chris continued turning back around. "I wish you the same thing Buck. I wish you someone who's heart beats in time with yours." He walked over to Buck and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Buck tightened the embrace and used Chris' scent to ease the pain in his heart. When they separated blue eyes met green one and without words a conclusion. Buck turned to leave saying that he would go start the car. He returned to find Chris standing where he left him.

"What's wrong with you," Buck asked.

"This isn't right," Chris said. "We shouldn't be leaving each other this way."

"What?"

"We have been so much more than friend," Chris said. "And now"

"You have found love," Buck said throwing Chris' words back at him. "You never knew love and now you do. I would be a fool to stand in the way." Buck stopped Chris before he could say anything and continued. "Captain Wilmington is no fool." Chris closed the distance between them.

"You are right," Chris reached up to bring his head down for a kiss. Buck held himself still. "A real good-by," Chris said and his eyes pleaded with Buck to understand.

Buck could no more resist Chris than he could his own heart. He lowered his head and kissed Chris with all the desire he could. This would be their last kiss and both men knew it. Chris held nothing back and Buck wanted to drawn in him.

Buck pulled away first and Chris protested. "Do you want to have to explain kiss swollen lips?" That got Chris attention away for his carnal desires but not for long.

"I do not care," Chris said breathlessly. "Kiss me again."

Buck brushed his lips across Chris', "I know better."

Later that day . . .

Buck broke his own heart and stoop with Chris. Handing him a ring that would solidify his bond to another. Sara looked at him with tear filled eyes from over Chris' shoulder, and was thankful for his schooled expression of happiness.

"More girls for me," he mouthed to her and she laughed even as she cried.

At the reception he prayed for his beeper to go off, but he knew it would not. There were no emergencies serious enough to make his commander drag him away from Chris' wedding. The man knew about the length of their friendship. With that option gown he thought about brandy or vodka (the Russians seem to think it cures all), but in the end he could not. He had a speech to give. With that he looked up from his glass of Champaign and caught the eyes of a redhead looking his way. He had met her before about a week ago at one pre-wedding party or another. He winded at her and she smiled. A possible distraction from his troubles had just showed itself. He raised his glass to her and her cheeks turned a rosy hue.

Chris and Sara had yet to arrive and the natives were getting restless. Buck stood and tapped his glass. The guests turned to him. "We don't have to guess what they are doing." His comment got them to laugh. "So I think we should start eating and drinking after all we aren't paying the tab."

"Hear, hear," everyone agreed.

The next time Buck stood he had the redhead at his side and Chris' smiling face before him.

"A heart that beats in time with yours is life's most beautiful gift. And Chris my friend you have found it. True love are the things we aspire to be patience, understanding, honest, trustworthy, and strength. In a life that will be filled with both happiness and pain neither in equal measure. I pray you hold tight to the love I see in you both today. Chris you have been my family for what seem like a lifetime. You have chosen well. Sara is your equal and the other half of your soul. She has become your reason and your madness, your morning sun and evening moon. Sara you are his beginning and end, the alpha and omega of his very existence. And I pray that one day I will be this lucky. I have watched him search for you in most of the countries on a map. Fighting to find the other half of his heart and fearing that he never would. But you were waiting for him here in Denver and I could not be happier. And it is enough for the restless warrior beside you Sara just to be with you."

When he was finished he turned from Sara to Chris and smiled at the tears in his eyes. Buck nodded at him and then left the dance floor. Walking back to the woman who stood waiting for him. She would not be Chris but he would do him more good than drinking till he forgot to hurt. They walked back to her table and sat down. She moved closer to him and he turned into her.

She surprised him and asked, "What is her name?" He looked down to meet her eyes. "The woman that has you begging for this day to end."

"Chris," Buck answered.

"I am sorry," she said. "You deserve so much better."

"You don't know me."

"I know what I see and the man who gave that speech deserves better than Chris can give him."

"You don't know."

"I don't need to know her. She has hurt you and in so doing should rot where she sits." Buck laughed and put his head at her neck allowing his lips to barely but touch the juncture between shoulder and neck.

"What about you," Buck asked and felt her hesitate. "I would not ask if I did not care."

"It's a long story that involves me crying my eyes out for the last four days," she said.

"Sorry," Buck said he could empathize even if he would not let himself cry. "It must be hard being hear."

"Sara is a friend and she needs me," she said. "This is her big day and no pain would keep me away."

"I know what you mean," Buck said. "Lets just hope it gets easier."

"You lean on me," she smiled looking over at Chris and Sara. "I lean on you." Then the happy couple kissed and she put her left hand to her forehead massaging her temples.

"Trust me he is not worth the stress," Buck said taking her hand from her face.

"Let us just say nothing is worth this stress. And next time I will chose the one who loves me and not the one I love."

"That is a harsh statement."

"Not for a woman who has yet to meet love."

"Would you like to?" He asked as he exhaled along her neck, over her ear lobe and a long her jaw line.

"I don't like this game," she said trying to move away. He held her still moving one hand to her waist and the other to her other cheek.

"I am not playing a game." She pulled away to look at him.

"Make me no promises," she said.

"And you tell me no lies," he said.

"You mean you are not going to promise me the stars," she asked?

"I won't be here long enough to give them to you," Buck answered. "I can only promise you the moment and in it I will be with you."

"How long do we have to stay here," she asked?

"Till they leave," Buck answered looking to Chris and Sara and then back at her pouting face. "If the look on Chris' face is anything to go on I give this an hour tops."

"You are so crude," she said.
"No ma'am I am honest," he said. "I think I better go check in on them." He got up. "Do you want to come?" He held out his hand to her and she took it.

THREE

The wedding eventually ended with the happy couple leaving and rice being thrown at them. With that obligation done, Buck also left the party and made his way back to Chris' ranch. He headed for the guest room, his room, to pack his bags to leave. On the nightstand he found an envelope with is name. His heart stopped for a moment, it was not in Chris' handwriting. He opened it to find a letter from Sara.

Buck, I know this must me a surprise because you don't know me. But I know you. No one who has know Chris for more than two days can claim not to. You are his best friend his family and so you are mine too. I will expect to see you for holidays and any leave time you can spend with us. You don't need to call a head we are family and in my experience they just show up. I hope to see you again soon Buck. You and Chris have been so much to each other. I would never try to come between that. I am happy that he has you. Your bond is enough to inspire me to be closer with my friends. Don't be a stranger Buck, it would break Chris' heart and I won't let you do that. You let me know if there is anything you need me to do to make this holiday special. You let me know what your favorite desert is at the wedding. Or I will make whatever comes to mind. Chris does not get a vote this is just for you. Your sister, Sara

Buck looked at the stationary as if it would bit him. It explained why she kept looking at him at the reception though. And why during their dance she kept asking about his Christmas leave. The woman was tenacious but he was nothing it not up to the challenge. He had no intension of showing up for thanksgiving or Christmas. They would just have to understand.

Last night with Chris would have to be enough of a memory for now. His heart would not take a face- to- face collision with their love. He would rather lie and be safe from his feeling.

He folded the letter and throw his thing into his bag and then left. At the drive way, he took a last look at the place he used to call home. Now if anything it would be a place for him to lay his tired head. Walking to the waiting car he turned away from a life he had loved and into one he hoped would be better.

For the next two month Buck managed to not be near a phone. When he did get home to check his messages there were many from Chris and even Sara. They were worried about him and wanted to know when he was coming home. Chris' messages insisted that he take leave for Thanksgiving and Christmas to take a break. Sara's messages were more worried about his long absence from a phone, and like only a woman could her voice sounded grief stricken with worry. He could hear her fighting back her worst fears about what could have happened to him. It broke his heart. Here he was trying to avoid her and her husband and she was worried for his safety. It was getting harder and harder not to love the woman. Hell he already loved her for calling to wish him a happy birthday even before he met her. The woman sent him a cake for crying out loud. She put Chris' name on it but he knew better.

"Dam them," he cursed. It was a week away from Thanksgiving it would be hard to get leave but he could do it. After all he had been told that while other could pull string he owned the role. He knew all the secrets and where the bodies were buried.

He would call them later but first thing first he needed a bath. He could feel the last two weeks on his skin. The U.S. may officially not care about weather Cambodia and Namibia are civil but they could have fooled him. As he stood under the spray he wondered about the other places he had been during his tour. HE thought the U.S. was against radicals who overthrow elected governments, but there he was training gorillas in the Middle East. God his body hurt, he need to reconcider the offer the CIA made him. He hated lies but it would get him out of the field. Hell so would the FBI, NEA, NATO, and any of the others if he so wished. But out in the Field he did not have time to think and that was a blessing.

When he left the shower the phone started ring and he decided to let the machine get it. He was not surprised that the voice on the other end was Neal. His communications CO was trying to get him to go out with the guys. He did not understand that he was just too tired. That man's wife had the understanding of a saint. She let him go off with the guys to unwind when he came home. She was also demanding Buck's presence for Thanksgiving and would not take no for an answer. She knew how to deal with Marines. He grate grandfather, grand father, father and bother were all marines. She would shoot, assemble and field clean and M-16. God bless her heart though she managed to seem helpless for Neal's benefit. When a woman loves a man, he thought. Like Sara loves Chris, she will break her own heart to make him happy.

He picked up his phone and called Neal. He managed to convince him that it would be best to stay home. He knew the man needed to unwind and talk about the mission with others who had clearance. Hell, he needed to do the same thing, but he could also imagine how much Laura needed his arms around her.

That call ended he called the rest of his roster. His way ward team members were either at home or already drunk. He smiled to himself. It was not that long ago that he and Chris would try to empty the bar. The young would continue to be young for as long as there was special ops.

The next time the phone rang he cursed in language befitting a salor and looked at the time. It was 3 a.m. in the morning. He did not remember going to sleep.

"Pick up the dam phone you craze son of a bitch," the voice on the other line was Chris. "I know you are home. A your mail box isn't full and B your CO said so."

He picked up the phone, "You been talking to my CO Chris."

"That got your attension," Chris snickered.

"Hell yes," Buck answered and he could hear Chris waking someone up in the background. "Now you are that pretty lady a yours better be dieing to wake a man up at this hour."

"Don't even try it," Chris said. "You and I both know that you have go de briefing in and hour and a half so you need to be up anyway."

"Buck," he heard a soft voice.

"Hay there darling," Buck said before he thought.

"Hi sweetheart," she said.

"Don't you make my wife blush Buck," Chris warned.

"Sweetie don't you listen to him," Sara said. "I am sorry he woke you but I have been worried."

"She was a phone call away from calling the Pentagon to find you," Chris corrected.

"You were," Buck said making no attempts to hide his shock.

"You hadn't called since the wedding," Sara said. "I thought you were hurt and no one called us. I was picturing all sorts of things and my friends were not helping. I know you called my cousin but that does not count."

"I called and left a message," Buck said.

"Again that does not count," Sara said. "A woman likes to hear a mans voice talking directly to her, it makes her heart feel good." Chris started laughing and Sara did not take that well. "Christopher Larabee, that is not funny. You were just a worried as I was, more even."

"Well," Buck said. "I am fine as you can hear. I am just a little tired."

"Where were you?"

"That is classified ma'am."

"Will you have to go back?"

"Classified ma'am."

"Did you get hurt?"

"Classified ma'am"

"What?"

"It is Sara," Chris said.

"What can you tell me," she asked?

"I am home now, for now," he said.

"Any ladies I should know about," Chris asked?

"I am hurting too much. I did catch a slam though." Buck said. "She was more than I thought possible."

"I need names," Chris said.

"He needs no such thing," Sara said. "When are you coming home?"

"I am not," Buck said.

"What," Sara said again.

"Neal's wife has read me the rules of engagement," Buck said.

"The what," Sara said.

"He is eating Thanksgiving elsewhere Sara," Chris said.

"Ok, if you have to Buck," Sara said.

"I have to," Buck said.

"What about Christmas," Chris asked. "I haven't seen you since the wedding what have you become a leper or something?"

"No"

"What's her name?"

"As if I am ever home that long," Buck said.

"Dam it then come home," Chris said.

"I am home," Buck said. "In case you have forgotten, I am stationed at," a pause. "Never mind just thanks for the call ok. I have to go or I'll be late."

"Ok," Chris said still a little hot under the collar.

"Buck please be careful," Sara begged. "And we will see you when ever you have time."

"Remember family," Chris said as he hung up.

"What," Buck said.

"I'll take came of it Buck," Sara said. "Don't worry about it. He will be fine when I am through." Then she hung up.

"I bet he will be," Buck said as he turned from the phone to go back to bed.

Later . . .

Chris' ability to ignore the obviously had never failed to surprise him. And now after a year and a half leave to work with Chris' and the ATF. He wanted nothing more than to go back home. He had left the comfort of his life because Chris needed him after Sara and Adam. Then he had gown back to it when Chris had punched him too far both emotionally and physically. He would never claim abuse but that was the right term for what he had allowed Chris to do to him. Any other man would have been lucky to die slowly, but Chris was alive and happy. Smiling and talking for the first time in years and he never though he would see the day. He owed Vin Turner for that. The man woke Chris up and for that Buck would always be grateful.

Hoping for more he had stayed with Chris and had kept their love close to his heart. His love, he reminded him self of the revelation that the porch had seen years before. He had hoped that with time they could find each other again. The passion he knew would always be there but he needed to hear the words. He needed Chris' devotion. And now he could wait no longer on it. He had his own life to live and love to find.

He would hate leaving JD along but as long as JD had Chris he would be alright and safe. Hero worship had its merits. He had had his own shear of wet behind the ears worshippers himself and he got them through. Chris and the others would watch out for JD.

First thing first he would have to tell Chris nicely and officially that he was going back to an alphabet soup agency. He could see the explosion now but it was better now than later.

He looked around the ranch with the setting sun in the background. The land had been touched by God. There was no other way to see it. The noise in the background told him that the others were leaving. He did not move to say good-by. He would much rather remember them the way they were today.

Later he heard the screen door open and sighed.

"This seems familiar doesn't it," Chris said.

"It does," Buck said.

"A little," Chris said. "When ever I see you out here like this I remember the night before my wedding. God you were beautiful that night. I couldn't wait to get you back inside. But I knew then and I know now that you are thinking."

"I am," Buck confirmed.

"What about," Chris asked sitting down on the porch swing?

"That everything is going to be alright," Buck said turning away.

"Yes," Chris agreed. "It is."

"Do you trust Vin," Buck asked?

"What the hell kind of question is that,"

"An honest one."

"You are jealous and taking out our lack of a friendship on him."

Buck closed his eyes and calmed his rising anger. "No," he said turning to face the object of his rage. "I blame you for our friendship and the lack there of. There is no one else to blame. As for jealous, me of him, what the hell for? Think before you speak Larabee this is me and he has nothing I want."

"No," Chris corrected. "You think he has me."

"And that is ok," Buck said.

"It is"

"Yes, all I have wanted since that God forsaken day is for you to find happiness again. For something to make you want to live. He does that and I am grateful to him." Chris looked up to meet his eyes and saw the honest there. He also saw something that could only be described as pain.

"You want to tell me what your issue is."

"Different for you thinking I am jealous of your new best friend."

"He didn't replace you Buck," Chris said slipping into Buck's personal space. "He had given me distance. And I needed that, you know I did."

"Chris," Buck snapped. "For once this is not about what you need. Life did not once stop revolving around its axis because you were in morning. I stopped and now I am done stopping. You want me Chris you are going to have to come along for the ride."

"What"

"I am leaving Chris."

"No you are not."

"Says who," Buck said backing him into the post. "I am not like the rest of them Chris you don't scare me. I am not Ezra, your glear doesn't make me take notice. I am not Nathen I no longer feel the need to try and fix you. I am not Joshia it is not my job to make sure you are mentally stable. And I am sure as hell not Vin. I am not your best friend. We both know there is no hero worship coming from me like it does JD. I know what heartless brutality you are capable of. It has been turned on me on more than one occasion." Chris stood stunned under the on slot. He mouth opened t protest but no words world come out. "There is on defense for the truth Chris, that's why your mouth won't work." Then he let go off Chris' throat and stepped back two steps. "Now I have no reason to stay. I can count on Vin to watch you and call me if you get any ideas. And I know you all will watch JD. Good-by Chris and God's speed."

Without another word he turned to leave. Chris stood there unable to speak or move.

FOUR

He had never thought it would be possible to lose Buck. He had always been a constant, like the setting of the sun. And now because of his arrogance he would love the only man he had ever loved. God, would not be that unfair then again he could not blame God for this. He was the one who had fucked up. There had to be something he could do. Death would be preferable to watching as life and love was ripped from him again.

Buck had to know where ever he went he would take his heart with him. He had always owned his soul and now that he was in possession of both heart and soul he was everything. He would not survive Buck being in danger without him there to make sure no harm came to him. It had been hard enough when Buck did field work and he was left to worry without knowing where he was. Now it would be worst without Sara and Adam to take his mind off of it.

He came to his decision then and walked back into the house. He looked around but Buck had left. He grabbed his keys looking at he watch. Buck would not be far. He would say good-by to Sara and Adam before he left.

On his drive to the spot were Sara and Adam were buried, Chris took a look at his life. He had been a fool for far too long. What made him think that Buck knew he loved him? He had only said the words once and Buck probably though he was asleep and dreaming.

"You sure made a fine fucking mess," Chris chided himself. "Do you have to lose every dam thing to speak the truth? Now you have to tell the man or he will leave you. You know that look in his eyes. He has wonder lust. You knew the women would not hold him here long and JD is the reason he has stayed this long. Now he is going back to red tape. Dam him he is going to disappear."

He took the quickest root he knew to their graves and found flowers, but no Buck. He had been too late yet again. He felt his body slipping to the floor and did not stop it. His knees hip the ground and he whipped his left hand over his face.

"Dam it Buck were in hell are you," Chris asked? Then he looked to Sara's grave. "Please Sar, you got to help me find him. He is everything and I love him."

Behind him Buck stepped out of the shadows. He stared at the back of Chris' head and smiled. He did not believe a word of it. Chris would do anything to get his own way.

"I cannot lose anymore," Chris said taking out his cell. He called JD. Bucks stuff was still all over their townhouse. He did not appear to have taken anything with him. The picture of his mother that he took everywhere was still on his night stand. Surely Buck would not leave that. "Sara, I will come back later, but now I need to go find my heart. You understand and Adam don't worry. Daddy will bring Uncle Buck home. He does not get to leave, not like this, not without love."

He walked back to his truck and Buck's was still there. He looked around but did not see him. But all of his training told him that Buck was not far and within hearing of his voice.

"Buck we need to talk," Chris said and then scolded himself for it sounding like an order. "Please Buck, let me give you reasons to stay." He waited a minute but nothing. "Buck please, if we were every anything to each other come out." Again nothing, neither sight nor sound. Buck was better trained than him and now he knew just how much. His heart started pounding much the way it use to when a mission was at its most critical. He could hear his blood rushing and bit down on the fear. This was not the same thing. Buck was no danger to him. "Buck I will not talk into the night," he was fast losing control of his anger. And as always seem to be the case, he was letting it fly at Buck. The one person who would let him rage and then not hold it against him. Buck would find an excuse for him being an ass. Even when he deserved Buck's wrath he did not get it. He forced himself to calm down. If Buck did not want him then at least he would have to hear him out. He no longer deserved the man's love but he wanted it more than the air in his lungs. "Buck I am calling in a marker from mission red dog. Make yourself known by sight or sound." He waited and then from behind him he heard noise.

"Go to hell," Buck said.

Chris took a deep breath and turned around. This would be a fight but Buck was worth everything. He had waited on him from the beginning and now he would wait on Buck till the end. "Buck, I want to try and give you reasons to stay. I know more than anyone what this team will lose if you go. We would be without a heart. Who will be understanding towards Nathen and his need to heal? Who will make fun of Josiah and his psychological analysis? Who will mentor young JD? I know you think I can and I will, but you are the one he trusts whole heartedly. He never questions you. Who will remind Ezra that he is no longer alone and that we trust him. Who will keep him in the fold if you leave? Who will keep Vin on his toes? I know you have given up a lot to him. But even he needs you. But none of them need you like I do. I would have hunted death down if not for you. You kept me alive so Vin could save me. I know that he has taken your place at my right side, but I still need you. I need you to be my calm, my light, my forgiveness and my strength. I need you to have faith in me one more time." He heard Buck laugh.

"My faith in you is continuous," Buck said. "And my trust in you complete."

"Then stay with me," Chris said moving closer to the tree line.

"No," Buck said. "That is no longer an option open to you."

"Then I go with you," Chris said.

"Now I know you are kidding," Buck said.

"You weren't listening to me were you love," Chris said. "YOU are my life. I am complete when I am with you and lost when we are apart. I will follow you anywhere and do anything to prove to you that we are worth it." He admission was met with silence. Not even the birds moved and he was so aware of the fact that Buck might not forgive. "I once wished you someone who's heart beats with yours. I did not know at that time how completely my heat beat with yours. You said that it was enough for you just to be with me. Now I am saying the same thing. It is everything for me as bruised and rough as I am just to be with you. It is enough to love you with everything I am."

"And it takes my leaving to get this out of you," Buck said. The shadows were becoming deeper as the sun fully disappeared. He realized that with Chris' stance he was an open book at the moment. This is what it took to get truth out of this man.

"No," Chris said. "I kept meaning to talk to you but things kept coming up and then you started dating Lisa and I could not break that up. If she was the one I could not be the reason you left her."

"Are you that stupid Chris," Buck asked? "You have always been the one. Or at least you were. And what about after her?"

"I was afraid you would say no."

"Well now I am and you are not listening."

"You are right I am not," Chris said. "I can not except this."

"What do you want Chris," Buck asked? "I mean really want."

"another chance," Chris said.

"To break my heart," Buck said. "No love I don't think so."

"No," Chris said all his anger drained. How had he messed up so bad. "To prove my love for you."

"Chris you have caused me so much pain," Buck finally admitted. "And you fists never hurt half as much as your words. Sometimes I would wonder why you hated me. Then I realized that you hated yourself more. You blamed me for their death on more than one occasion. I was never jealous of Sara Chris I was only upset that you never loved me. Then tonight to have you accuse me again. When did you become such a bastard Chris? When did my pain start to bring you piece? When did hurting me stop ripping out your heart and start making it feel better? When did I become just anyone, a stranger to your eyes and a warm body you could punch? You used me Chris. You used my love for you as a weapon and caused an abundance of damage. I would have done anything for you and I did. I let you use me heart, body, and soul. And now you stand before me professing love and asking for forgiveness. Well Chris prove it to me. Prove to me that I should again risk it all."

"I am so sorry for the pain I caused," Chris said. "And you have never been a stranger. I know you almost as I know myself."

"So you cause your self that kind of pain," Buck asked?

"NO," Chris said. "And I never thought I would cause you pain either. I will go to my grave with that regret."

"Good for you," Buck said. Chris was surprised by the lack of feeling in his voice. And decided to try something else to get to Buck.

"Remember our last night together," Chris asked?

"You sure you want me to pull up that memory Cowboy," Buck asked?

"None of my drunken rages Buck please," Chris said. "But the last time you touched my soul. When time stood still and all I knew was your body on top of mine. Breathing each others breath and kissing our eyes locked when we came."

"What about it," Buck asked? It was the night before Chris' wedding. That was the last time thing had been so perfect. Since then they had not made love. They simply had sex.

"I woke up sometime after our last go around and felt you so near I wanted us to be one person." Chris said remembering how he came back to consciousness with Buck still inside him and that claim made him whole. "I said I love you darling. Who did you think I was talking about?"

"Sara," Buck said.

"Yet you said you loved me too," Chris said.

"I have always loved you," Buck said. "You said you had never loved till Sara. I was heart broken."

"I did not mean it that way," Chris said.

"Bullshit," Buck said walking up to him. Chris was shocked at how close Buck was and he had not noticed. He looked up into blue eyes that betrayed nothing. "You love people who love you Chris and I fit the bill."

"You don't love me anymore," Chris said. "If your word is to be believe and I still love you."

"Now it is easy for you to say," Buck said. "What about when all I would have needed were the words. Because now the words are not enough."

"Love makes no list of wrongs," Chris said. "And I know I have been wrong more than I have been right so please, forgive me. I will do anything to make it right. Tell me what it will take to get you back."

"You think it is that easy," Buck said. "Chris you ripped my heart out and throw it. It took me forever to find it again. You never kept it safe from harm."

"Things have changed Buck," Chris said. "I have come back from the void that held be. I have come back to be held in your arms again. I now understand that we are true love. I was a fool."

"You still are if you think I am staying," Buck said. "What you are saying does not mean a dam? You have been nothing but a bastard for far to fucking long. You have bruised and misused me."

"Buck," Chris said tentatively reaching out to touch him. "Where is all this anger coming from?"

"Everywhere," Buck yelled. "I have held it in for so long that now it is consuming. You hated me Chris because I am still alive and they weren't, and I packed that in. You would reach for me with one hand and with the next make a fist and again I packed it inside. You demanded my loyalty and gave me pain in return and I packed that in too. Now you are asking what exactly. For me to pack so more in, well Chris I cannot. You go back to the hell you came from."

"I am offering to pack it in all of it," Chris said. "All of your hurt and pain and every scar that is of my making. I deserve it all but please in the end I need to know you will love me. I know I did some brutal things in my grief, but I am coming through it. I am through it."

"Chris we have all lost people," Buck said. "Think about JD, hell even Vin and none of us became the menace you were."

"They were my family Buck," Chris said. "How dear you say I went too far in my grief." The scene seemed so familiar to Buck. Chris reaching for him with one hand and making a fist with the other.

"Look at yourself Chris," Buck said. "Are you going to strike me or caress me?" Chris looked down at his right hand and it was a fist. In that moment he felt lower than dirt. He had done it again. How could he claim to love this man if he could make a fist at him?

Buck could feel the realization hit Chris. And when their eyes met he saw the question Chris never asked.

"Is this what I was like," Chris asked?

"Sometimes," Buck said. "At others you were too far gone for much and at yet other times I cried because I stayed."

"And yet you stayed," Chris said. "I was noting but a bottle and you cleaned me up fed me and stayed. Why?"

"Because I love you," Buck said. "And love keeps on list of wrongs."

"I will never forgive myself," Chris said moving his right hand to Buck cheek. He did not miss the hesitation in Buck eyes. He still fear him and that hurt Chris more than he though possible. "I don't deserve you and I never have."

"Now you see," Buck said. "But I have already forgiven you and even if you cannot forgive yourself I have." Chris looked down and then bought his hands down to Buck's. He brought Bucks hands to his lips and kissed them. These hands had never intentional inflicted harm upon him. He wished he could say the same. His hands were stained and with the blood of the person he held most dear.

Chris dropped to his knees and looked up at Buck. Buck looked down at him trying to read him as best he could with only the moon for light. He could not see enough to make any decisions on what Chris was feeling. But one thing was clear, Chris' self- loathing was palatable. Chris was feeling guilt the likes of which he had never known. How many times had her raised his hand to the man in rage? He looked down again at the hands he held. Once was enough and twice was two times too many. "Please," Chris asked?

"Please what," Buck said. "I already gave you forgiveness."

"Can we try again," Chris looked up at Buck who stood motionless. "We will go as slow as you need. Give me a chance to woo you. Let me treat you let the treasure you are."

Buck fought with himself to give Chris what he asked but the memories of old hurts were so strong. Chris could hurt him so deeply and had. But Chris could only hurt him deeply because he loved Chris so deeply. He could feel Chris tears on his hand and wondered when he had started crying. Chris had surprised him. He had made no demands which know Chris was probably the hardest thing. He also held his temper and did not strike out in fear of his more tender emotions. Here he was on his knees professing his love.

"Chris I,"

"Let me finish," Chris said. "You, we don't have to stay here. I will go with you."

"You would leave your team," Buck said in shock.

"As long as I am with you nothing else matters," Chris said. "I mean it when I say I will do anything just to be with you." Buck reached for his cheeks and whipped his tears.

"I will call and ask for another extension," Buck said. "I will stay here."

"No," Chris said. "You should not have to, you have given up enough for me."

"This is not for you," Buck said. "This is for me. This is my love story. Lets just hope you make it a good one."

Chris leaned forward and his head rested at Bucks crotch and he held himself closer. He had not lost Buck and if he did this right he would have him forever. He just had to not mess thing up.

"Chris," Buck said pulling him away. "I did not fall in love with a saint the first time. I won't fall for a saint this time. Just be yourself and show me how much you have changed. I expect you to have blue mood and be a little self-destructive. You have always been that, but just the violence," Buck pulled him up to a standing position. "You lifting your hands to me."

"Never in anything but love Buck," Chris said. "I would swallow my own gun before I . . . " Buck put a finger over is mouth."

"It has been years since the physical violence Chris and I gave as good as I got in the end." Buck said and Chris turned into his hand. "I just wanted you to know I will not stand for it."

"But I always started it," Chris said.

"Not anymore," Buck said. "That part of us is over. I am not saying this will be easy."

"I know it will not be," Chris said. "You are going to have to trust me again."

"I do," Buck said.

"Not with your heart you don't," Chris said. "And that is ok. I am going to have to earn that type of trust again. I am willing to work to get it."

"I know you are Chris," Buck said hoping that one day he could again give it. " I finally know you are, but I will not be easy." Chris closed the distance between them for an embrace. Buck held him as he always had close to his heart.

"I don't expect you to be," Chris said.

"I reserve the right to disappear," Buck said.

"I will find you," Chris said and Buck laughed.

"No, Chris," Buck said. "You will not, but for now I will stay."

Chris closed his eyes holding on to the moment. He had come so close to losing this. The love and the completeness he had always felt with Buck.

"Will you come back to the house with me," Chris asked? Buck looked down at him. "I just want have you there to erase the memory of you leaving." Buck nodded and turned to go to his truck. "I love you."

Buck did not answer. He just got in and drove off. Chris followed behind him until they got to the house. He lead Buck inside and then stopped in the middle of the main room. Buck stopped just behind him and laughed.

"Chris this doesn't really change anything but the way you have been tr eating me," Buck said.

"I know," Chris said. "This just isn't very romantic."

"I don't need roses or candle light Chris," Buck said. "Just honesty and understanding and a lot of love doesn't hurt either."

"You have all of that," Chris said facing him. "You have my everything. I love you." Buck closed his eyes as the words washed over his soul. "I know you can't say it back yet but I know deep down you do, and until you can say it I will say it for both of us."

"You are very sure of yourself," Buck said.

"No, I am sure of us," Chris said trying to pull Buck down for a kiss. "I will prove it to you."

"This is not going to be that easy Chris," Buck said. "I am staying to give you time to court me. That is all, I am not promising more."

"You don't have to," Chris said. "It is enough just to be with you, but I am after forever. You know that." Buck nodded and the most beautiful smile lighted up his eyes. "What has you beaming love?"

"I am not sure," Buck said. "You can have your kiss now."

The End