I twist an' buck under the man straddlin' my hips, my teeth bitin' inta the pillow ta
keep from screamin' out loud. It hurts, Sweet Spirit, it hurts, but I ain't tryin' ta get
away. I know he'd let me if I really wanted ta, but I need it too much, an' he knows that.
I trust 'im not ta stop.
A large hand smoothes down my spine, lingerin' a bit where it curves. I cain't help
archin' up inta that touch an' almost scream again when the cold sting of a blade slices
down the same path the hand jist took. My back is already bleedin' from a half dozen or
so other cuts. I c'n feel the heat of my blood runnin' trails down my sides ta soak into the
sheets. But that heat ain't nothin' ta the wildfire of the cuts themselves. Right now, it's
the only warmth in my world.
I usedta do this fer myself. I started the day the damned Calvary rode in an'
slaughtered the only family I remembered half-right. Then, it was jist a ceremony of
grief, the way I was taught ta show respect fer the dead. But once I started carvin' inta
myself, I found I couldn't stop. I had got so determined not ta let anythin' in so's I
wouldn't get hurt no more, that I couldn't let anythin' out neither. The only
thing that gave me any kinda release was the sweet, sharp edge of a knife.
I s'pose parta the reason fer that was cause a knife don't ask no questions I don't
wanna answer, and it don't demand anythin' from me that I ain't willin' ta give it. I've
had too many things in my life taken from me ta tolerate unwillin' takin'. But all the
knife wants is the bright, red tide that is its due, an' since I want that, too, well, that
makes it all right.
The cuttin' cleanses me somehow, bleedin' out all the rage an' pain an' fear I cain't
show any other way, leavin' nothin' but a calm, tired kinda peace behind. Fer a time
after I heal up, nothin' c'n touch me or make me hurt. But eventually the feelin's start
buildin' up again, no matter how hard I try ta stop 'em, an' I find myself out in some wild
parta the country diggin' inta already scarred flesh once more.
This needa mine eased up some when I joined this sorry-assed buncha cowboys, but
as much as I've come ta love 'em, even they ain't enough ta take it away completely. I
gotta say I am real grateful the boys ain't the pryin' type. Whenever I feel the
urge comin' on an' disappear fer a few days ta take care'a it, they jist figure I'm feelin'
crowded an' let me be. They ain't never asked 'bout the scars, neither, though I think
even back then, Nate wondered. I let 'em think what they wanted. Most folks cain't
understand why I do what I do, an' I sure as hell don't want nobody tellin' what I should
be doin' instead. Or worse, see pity in their eyes. I cain't take that off nobody.
I shoulda known it was too good ta last, but what I got now I sure never wanta give
up. I was out "communin' with nature" as Josiah put it, an' since it was a pretty remote
spot, I felt safe enough ta lower my guards a bit. I had a small fire goin' an' sat down
Indian-style in front of it. Then I'd stripped down ta the waist an' got down ta business.
I'd made a few slashes across my belly, warming up really 'fore gettin' serious, when I
got interrupted. A twig snapped behind me, an' I froze mid-cut, cursing myself fer not
payin' better attention. Slowly, I got ta my feet an' turned around, bloodied knife still in
my hand.
Nathan was standin' there an' starin' at me like he'd never seen me 'fore. I cursed
my luck again. Of all the people ta catch me, it would have ta be the man who's spent a
good chunka his time patchin' me back together. A dull flush of shame an' anger heated
up my face, but I jist glared at him, refusin' ta apologize or explain. He started movin',
and I braced myself fer the lecture I was sure ta be gettin'.
He came toward me, walkin' almost trance-like, an' once he was close enough, he
ran the tip of a finger over one'a the cuts. I stood still, too surprised ta move. I expected
disgust or anger or pity, but when he raised his eyes from my stomach, all I saw was
understandin' an' somethin' else I couldn't figure. His eyes never leavin' mine, Nate
brought the finger up ta his mouth . . . an' slowly licked my blood away clean.
My jaw dropped in shock, an' 'fore I could find my voice again, Nate fell ta his knees
in front of me. He hooked one strong arm 'round my waist ta keep in place an' traced his
rough fingers over the red lines on my belly. Then without any more warnin', he leaned
forward an' started lappin' at the blood like a kitten with fresh cream. It was the most
incredible thing I'd ever felt, an' I couldn't keep the groan from spillin' outta my throat.
Nate's eyes rolled up ta meet mine, an' I suddenly recognized that look from before. It's
hunger an' lust an' desire an' it sets my blood ta boilin'. The small parta my brain not
fried by pleasure's surprised Nate don't burst inta flame with me.
Whatever he saw on my face he took as permission ta do what he wanted. I started ta
shake when Nate really began ta pull at the wounds, usin' his free hand ta press more
blood out faster, his tongue probin' between the edges fer every drop. It was like he
knew what the blood really stood fer an' was makin' damn sure alla the poison an' fever
was sucked clean outta me fer good. The feel of his mouth an' hands movin' on my
broken skin an' the thought of 'im actually bein' able ta do that fer me sent me tumblin'
over the edge. I came with a shout an' woulda collapsed ta the ground in a heap if'n he
hadn't been holdin' me up.
Nate reluctantly took his mouth away from my stomach as the last shudders died
away an' let me slide ta my knees in front of him. He couldn't quite meet my eyes this
time. Instead, he caught the back of my head with one big hand an' held it ta his
shoulder. I eagerly curled up closer ta 'im, an' together we rocked there on the ground,
Nate whisperin' nonsense inta my ear an' me jist holdin' on. Sweet Spirit, I ain't never
been so overwhelmed like that, an' I knew that my cravin' fer it would never end.
What I didn't know was if this was somethin' Nathan would be willing ta repeat.
Despite the hungry look on his face, I still wasn't real sure why he'd done it in the first
place. I didn't know if it affected 'im the way it did me, or if it was jist some weird kinda
pity on his part.
Restless with not knowin', I shifted closer ta 'im, confused an' drained an' jist a bit
scared an' then I felt it. Nate was as hard as I'd been jist a few minutes ago, an' I nearly
shouted with joy. I wasn't alone in this. It hadn't been some strange sorta pity or
kindness. He needed ta make me bleed as much as I needed him ta do it. I
didn't know, then or now, what I'd finally done right ta find such a person, but I sent my
thanks ta the Spirits fer sendin' 'im ta me.
Nate mistook my stiffenin' up fer somethin' else an' tried ta pull away, but I sure as
hell wasn't about ta let the one human bein' who understood what I needed get away
from me. I shoved 'im onta his back an' attacked the buttons of his pants. He made a
choked kinda sound, an' I stopped fer a moment ta look up at him. Much as I wanted ta
jist keep on goin', I wasn't gonna do nothin' Nate wasn't ready fer.
The wild, hungry look in those dark eyes laid any doubts ta rest. With a feral smile
twistin' my lips, I finished with the buttons an' immediately swooped down onta his cock
with my mouth. Nate was so close, it didn't take long fer him ta find release. When I
was sure he was drained dry, I carefully licked him clean an' buttoned him back inta his
pants. He held out his arms ta me, an' I went ta him willingly.
That was some months ago, an' we've been lovers ever since. The rest of the boys
took us bein' together a lot better'n than I thought they would, though I 'spect that if they
knew 'xactly what we did behind closed doors, they'd be a mite more upset. But all they
see is how happy we are together, an' that I don't go runnin' fer the hills no more.
Leastways, not without Nate.
Agh, Spirit! A hot, hot tongue swirls across my back, hotter even than the blood
coatin' it, an' I don't even try ta hide how good it feels. Nate growls his approval of my
reaction an' rears up jist enough ta swipe his fingers through the fresh redness he's raised
with his mouth. I know what's comin' next, an' I haveta force myself ta relax even
though I'm wound tighter'n than a spring. Nate ain't all that gentle preparin' me, but I
don't want 'im ta be. I need his savagery, an' he don't disappoint me.
His mouth clamps down hard on a cut at the base of my neck the same instant he
enters me. Tongue and hips move ta the same fierce rhythm, an' I go wild beneath him,
cryin' an' whimperin' and buckin' like a green colt. The freedom he gives me ta jist be
me is more powerful than any aphrodisiac, an' I wanna - need ta - give it all
back ta the man who makes it possible fer me ta feel this way.
We come together, an' it's every bit as violent an' consumin' as the lovemakin' 'fore
it. Nate collapses on top'a me, his greater weight makin' in nearly impossible fer me ta
breathe, but I don't really want 'im ta move. He does eventually, slidin' offa my back an'
takin' me inta his arms. I look up inta his face, his lips still smeared with my blood. His
eyes close contentedly an' he smiles when I raise up ta lick those lips clean. He pulls me
inta a kiss when I'm finished.
"Love ya," he says, his voice low and hoarse.
"Love ya, too," I whisper back an' snuggle back down inta his side.
In a bit, we'll get 'round ta spreadin' some'a that salve he made special ta keep the
scarrin' an' the infection down over the cuts, but fer now, we're simply content ta be.
Content ta be who we really are, in the company of the one who loves ya jist that way.
The End
