Words of Healing

Buck Wilmington had never felt more helpless or frustrated in his life. He knew there was more to Chris Larabee's longer than expected absence from Four Corners than there appeared to be, but it was too soon for him to bring up the idea of doing anything about it. That had been why he had pretended to Mary Travis that it was likely that Chris was at some house of ill repute, or a saloon. Not that there was much difference in some of those places anyway. Buck couldn't decide if he hoped that his friend were at one of those places or not. If he were, the sense of foreboding Buck felt would be unnecessary, but Buck did not want to contemplate Chris being with anyone else.

Buck had never been able to pinpoint the moment his feelings for Chris had changed from friendship to something more. It was possible that there had never been a moment that it happened, that Buck had loved Chris from the beginning, but that didn't seem right to Buck. It had built slowly, Buck beginning to notice Chris's blue eyes, the way the sun caught his blonde hair, the broadness of his shoulders, all the little things that had eventually added up, to Buck's surprise, to love.

Love that was futile, for many reasons. Buck had no illusions that Chris could love him. Chris had never shown the slightest hint of curiosity about male/male sex, and Buck had, without getting into personal specifics, dropped many hints on the subject. Chris had never picked them up, and it wasn't exactly the kind of subject that could be brought up over whiskey in the saloon. Buck had also recently played up his attraction to women, in case any of the others suspected. He'd come close to giving himself away when this had all started, even before the Indian village, when he'd seen Chris after almost five years. He'd hugged him a moment too long, Chris had even grinned at him and said that people would talk. A part of Buck had been tempted to really give the townsfolk something to talk about, but luckily his self-preservation instincts had kicked in and he had spoken, rather harshly on reflection, about the other man who had walked up to them, Vin Tanner.

Even now, Buck wasn't quite sure whether his harsh reaction to Vin had been partly jealousy. The tracker was a very attractive man, and his bond with Chris had been almost instantaneous. It had been the second time that something like that had happened to Chris in the twelve years Buck had known him. The first one had been Sarah, of course.

Buck had been prepared to hate Sarah with a passion. Even knowing that he could never have Chris the way that he wanted him, he still felt jealous that someone else could. Then he had seen her with Chris. There was no way that he could have hated someone who looked at Chris the way that she had, or someone who had loved Chris as much as she had. It had taken about thirty minutes for Buck to be almost as completely under her spell as Chris had been, and Buck's remark to Chris at their wedding about being lucky that he had seen her first had been rather less than half-teasing. The love Chris and Sarah had shared had been nothing less than a miracle, and Adam had been the result of that miracle. Buck had loved Adam much as he had imagined that he would love his own son, because he had loved Chris and Sarah. The fire had burned out not only half of Chris's soul, but also a large part of Buck's.

Buck blamed himself for their deaths. During Chris and Sarah's marriage, Buck had never deliberately sought to spend more time with his friend, partly because he didn't feel that he had the right to and partly because he didn't want to torture himself. But there had been one night, while Chris and Buck were in Mexico, buying horses for Chris's ranch. Buck had been invited to attend a Mexican fiesta, something that he had never seen before. He had wanted to stay, but Chris had wanted to get back to Sarah and Adam. Still, Buck had asked Chris to stay one more night. Buck had never really expected Chris to agree, but he had. They had returned to a burned farmhouse. There had been a brief moment of hope that Sarah and Adam had escaped, but the discovery of their bodies, barely recognisable from burning, but a part of Sarah's skirt had survived the flames, removing any doubt or faint hope. That moment was one that Buck would never forget. His own grief almost overwhelming, he had had to put it aside and allow Chris to collapse into his arms. He had stayed with Chris throughout the funeral, knowing that Chris would need someone to run interference with Sarah's father, who had been half-mad with grief as well. Hank had never approved of Chris and Sarah, and unfortunately her tragically early death did nothing to bring the two men closer.

Buck had left after the funeral, unable to face Chris. He had realised what he had cost Chris, no matter how unwittingly, and he could not stay with his friend. Especially after the thankfully brief moment when he had realised that Chris now had no other ties. He could not wbelieve that he had thought that, even for a second. If he had allowed his barriers down enough to allow that brief thought to escape, who knew what other barriers might melt under shared grief and whiskey. Better to put some distance between himself and Chris.

So Buck had made light of his leaving, saying that there were ladies he needed to get to know in other towns, men who needed the law explained to them in the same towns. He had not seen Chris again for almost five years.

There had been a lot of women over those years. Many who took and gave a night's or a week's pleasure, mutually and happily. A few who had potential to be something more, and one or two that might have had that extra spark to make Buck forget Chris, but he had never been able to stay long enough to find out. There had also been a few men. None of them had been more than a night of pleasure. Buck couldn't bring himself to do any more than that with a man other than Chris.

Buck hadn't hesitated when asked to stay and defend Four Corners with the group of seven that had banded together under Chris's leadership. His immediate bond with JD Dunne had led him to an understanding of Chris's bond with Vin, and he looked on JD as the brother he had always wanted. Josiah Sanchez's combination of faith and violence had made him realise that he was not the only person in the world who had to make a difficult balance work in his life. Nathan Jackson and Ezra Standish had become friends too, and of course there was Chris. There would, Buck had finally realised, always be Chris. Buck wasn't sure whether he could go on with someone else now. He knew that his feelings for Chris could never be returned, but he couldn't let anyone else love him, knowing that they would not be getting his heart completely. Even if Chris did not find happiness with Mary Travis, something that Buck hoped would happen, Buck could never find anyone who he could allow to love him when he could not love them in the same way in return.

But first they needed to find where Chris actually was. It had been rather too long for it to simply be a pleasurable diversion in his trip.

Chris groaned. There was a part of him that thought that maybe shutting his mouth and putting up with the conditions until the others got him out of there (he knew that they would eventually figure out what was going on and find him) might have been the best way to get through this, but he hadn't been able to keep from protesting at the treatment of the other prisoner, Inmate 46. Chris's defense of the other man, as well as his refusal to buckle under the warden's bullying tactics had not endeared him to the prison staff. "I guess that's how a man reacts when he knows he's innocent," had been his reply to a query about why he'd back talked to the warden. The man was a sadist, taking pleasure in hurting others, and that was one thing that Chris hated. No one had the right to hurt someone smaller or weaker than themselves, especially not simply for their own enjoyment, if that was the right word.

And now Chris was lying in the prison infirmary, pondering the ominous words from the warden. "I've got plans for you." Chris was expecting a severe beating, although he wondered why the warden had bothered to allow the doctor to patch him up, as the warden had obviously decided not to put him into solitary confinement just yet. All he could do now was wait.

Chris didn't know how much time passed with him just lying there, staring at the ceiling. He couldn't move much within the restraining cuffs, and he had remarked to the doctor that maybe the anticipation was the punishment. The doctor hadn't replied to that, he reflected.

There was movement at the door of the infirmary. The doctor looked up, and without being told, walked out of the small building.

The warden came into Chris's vision. The older man smirked, and Chris could feel his skin crawl. If he weren't a man, Chris could swear that the look was lascivious. But he couldn't possibly be looking at him like that...

"Remember what I said to you, 78? That I had plans for you? ANSWER ME!"

"Yes, sir," Chris replied in a tone as opposite the meaning of the words as he could make it.

You think you're smart, don't you, 78? You know what you need to teach you some respect? A good pounding into that tight little ass by a real man. Someone of taste and refinement. And that's what you're going to get."

"What do you mean?" Chris was honestly not sure. He knew that some men, on the trails especially, and even some of the lifetime prisoners, took each other instead of women. He'd never been interested, he'd expected to be with Sarah forever, and until recently he hadn't been able to think of anyone else. He thought that maybe Mary would be the one to heal the wounds of loss, but he still wasn't ready. He'd certainly never considered another man in that way. Could a man take another man by force?

"A good pounding in that tight round little ass will teach you all about who's in charge here, 78. And I'll tell you right now, screaming like a girl is not going to help. No one will come in here unless and until I let the doc back in. And if you yell too much, I'll keep him out of here until morning. Understood?"

Chris nodded, reluctantly. He didn't really understand, but he refused to ask. He'd probably only get the back of the warden's hand if he did.

The warden removed Chris's clothes, and forcefully turned him over on the bed.

=====================

Glancing back painfully over his shoulder, Chris could see the other man removing his clothes. He was, surprisingly to Chris, more muscle than fat. He would be able to hold his own in a fight. Chris looked in horrified fascination at the man's body, feeling only revulsion.

"Like what you see?"

Chris didn't answer. His gaze had been caught by the hard flesh rising from between the warden's huge thighs. That could never fit inside him, or anyone else. The man was very large, and thicker than anyone Chris had ever seen (admittedly, aside from himself there had only been very brief glances in bathhouses).

"Well?"

Chris looked defiantly at the man, not answering.

"Well, if you don't want to talk, I guess that means that you want it now. I'm willing to oblige," and Chris shuddered at the touch of those huge hands on his body.

There was not even a pretense of gentleness, the hands gripped and left bruises on Chris's pale back. A guttural yell escaped Chris's throat when a finger entered his cleft, roughly searching for the tiny entrance.

"Quiet!" with a fist to the cheek for emphasis.

Chris stopped, but as the finger found it's goal, he couldn't help a groan of agony as it penetrated him.

"Oh, that's hardly anything," the threat was whispered. Chris shuddered again, jerking futiley at the cuffs. The pain was excruciating, and the only thing that stopped Chris from yelling were the earlier threats.

Chris had thought that the pain from one finger was bad, but he knew a whole new level of pain as the man added a second, and without thought of his clear inexperience, began brutally moving them as far apart as possible inside Chris. The gunslinger felt something tear, and prayed that the damage wouldn't be permanent. The realisation suddenly hit him, if he were damaged too badly, he might die. That made him go suddenly still under the brutal fingers.

"You figured it out, huh? That I'll hurt you real bad if you struggle, but if you stay quiet and take me like a man, I'll let the doc back in when we finish. Oh, and if you ever get out and tell anyone, don't think I won't hunt you and the rest of your posse of seven down. Got it?"

Chris nodded, knowing that the man who was violating him so cruelly was capable of anything. He stayed still, allowing the fingers to penetrate more deeply, helped by the blood.

He'd truly thought that he knew what agony was, but when the man finally mounted him from behind, a pain he'd never imagined possible, not even after the past violation, tore throught his nerve endings, sending signals to his body to escape. Luckily his mind was stronger, he knew he couldn't escape, so he stayed still, enduring the agony in stoic silence.

The man made a squeal like a pig, and then there was fresh agony as he removed himself from Chris's violated body.

=====================

Chris had the presence of mind to move himself around on the bed, lying down on his back, much as it caused him more pain, it was better than being in the position he had been so violated in. The warden washed himself off, and Chris realised that the towel he used was soaked in blood. Then he realised that he was covered in blood as well. But he couldn't scream, not yet.

"Okay, because you didn't scream, I'll send the doc back in. Think you can remember who's boss now?"

Chris nodded, unable to speak.

The doctor came in and cleaned Chris up, treating his torn flesh with something that made it sting worse for a short time but then it was blissfully numb.

Chris slept a few hours, waking up to find himself about to be marched into the hole again.

He groaned as his muscles and abused flesh protested movement, but could do nothing but obey the order to go back to the hole. He didn't think he would survive this time, he was too hurt and too defeated to fight any more.

Or so he thought.

That night he was in the hole with the added delight of a rattlesnake, not expecting to survive until morning when the warden looked into the hole. Without thinking clearly, he would never remember actually doing it, he managed to grab the rattlesnake and sink the deadly fangs into the warden's neck.

After he got out, the dying man asked him who he was. Chris replied, "Inmate 78."

It was a finish of a kind, but Chris knew that his experiences in the jail would haunt him for a long time. He managed to keep the nature of his injuries from everyone except Nathan, because he knew he wasn't healed yet and he knew he could trust the healer not to talk about what had happened to him.

Chris began the slow process of learning to be himself again after the traumatic changes his life had undergone. He realised, at last, that he could not love Mary the way that she should be loved, and he subtly but firmly removed himself from her life, although not her son Billy's. He made it clear, but not insultingly so, that he was not ready for a relationship yet.

Then, six months after he had ridden out of the gates of the jail, he and Buck were sent to deliver a prisoner to a train forty miles from Four Corners.

+ + + + + + +

Chris and Buck got the prisoner to the train. The two days it had taken them to get to the tracks the train ran on had been uneventful. Six-hour watches at night, just to make sure the other man didn't take it into his head to steal one of their horses and ride for his freedom, kept both men on edge. It was a relief to them both to turn from the train tracks, knowing that they didn't need to rush back to Four Corners.

Chris had no idea that Buck had maneuvered things so that he would be the one to accompany Chris this time. It was the first time since his prison ordeal that he had been out of Four Corners longer than overnight, and Buck had not wanted to let Chris out of his sight for that long, so he had spoken with JD who had somehow been persuaded that it would be a better idea for the sheriff to remain in town.

Buck was quiet as they made camp for the night. There was something different about Chris, even six months after the ordeal. He wondered if anything he didn't know about might have happened to Chris in the jail, but he could not ask. If Chris wanted his best friend to know about it, he would confide in him.

After eating, and a few shots of whisky, the men settled down to sleep.

Chris dreamed, and he knew it was a dream, the same dream that he had dreamed every night for the last six months. He was back in the prison, restrained, held down by handcuffs, and he was being violated again by the warden. This time was different, though. This time, he was under no orders not to scream. So he did. He screamed and yelled and cursed at the man who was hurting him so badly.

"Get off me you bastard!"

Chris jerked himself awake, hearing the echo of his cry in the silence. Then he remembered that he wasn't alone as he heard movement on the other side of the campfire.

"Buck, did I wake you? I'm sorry."

"That's okay. Chris, who did you want to get off you?"

"You heard?"

Buck grinned as he got up, finding the whisky bottle again. "Pretty damn difficult not to. You were yelling fit to raise the dead."

"Sorry."

"Nothing to apologise for. But I'd still like to know what made you yell so loud in your sleep."

"I...don't know if I'm ready to tell you...or anyone...about this yet, Buck. I'm not sure I ever will be," Chris got up and accepted the drink Buck handed to him.

"Chris, you have got to tell me. I'll never sleep if you don't after that. And Chris, I thought you knew by now, you can tell me anything. I've seen you at the lowest point in your life, when Sarah and Adam died, and at the highest, when you married her. I think I can handle anything else."

"I guess I can trust you. Buck...this goes no further, okay? If you need to talk about this, come to me. Or perhaps Nathan. Okay?"

Buck voiced the first thought that came to mind. "Chris, are you sick? I mean somethin' really bad, like you're dyin'?" The idea caused a coldness to come over him, he'd always known that death was a possibility with the lives they led, but he would have expected death to come quickly, a lucky shot in a gunfight, or maybe a fall from a horse.

"No, I'm not dyin'. No more than any of us. Buck...while I was in that...place...the warden...he," Chris's voice broke. "God, I still can't say it easily. That...god, I refuse to call him a man...that animal...he forced himself on me. He violated my trust and my body. I never...I never knew a man could take another man by force. He hurt me...in my body and in my mind. I keep having the same dream about him, over and over. Except...this time I scream. He told me...when it happened...that if I screamed, he'd leave me there, he'd let me die. If I didn't scream...he'd let the doctor back in when he was finished. God, Buck...he ruined any chance I ever had of being with Mary. I couldn't take her now, I'd feel so damn dirty, taking her trust and her love, knowing that I was...defiled. I read that word somewhere, and it's how I feel. So I couldn't be with her after that. I...I don't know if I can ever be with anyone again. I can't even...touch myself, I can't bear that I'm touching what that animal wanted."

Buck was horrified. Of all the things Chris could have told him, this was about the last that he had expected to hear. It didn't make one bit of difference, except that Buck was very glad that the warden was already dead. If not, he'd have had to have left Chris here while he rode to that hellhole and made the bastard suffer as much as he could before he killed him. He had ruined things for Chris that Buck had wanted him to have. And he'd sure as hell ruined any chance Buck might ever have had with Chris.

"That's not the way your first time with a man should have been," Buck whispered, almost unaware that he spoke aloud.

"What?"

"That's not the way it should have been. Being with a man...it's different to being with a woman, aside from the most obvious way, but it can be just as fulfilling and beautiful. That bastard ruined that for you. It shouldn't have happened that way."

"You've been with men like that?"

"No. Not like what that bastard did to you. That wasn't sex. That was...god, there's no word for it. But I've been with men. Not as much as I've been with women, but...there have been men. I've...tried to bring it up with you once or twice, but I could never find the courage."

"And," a whisper, "it wasn't like...that?"

"It was as different to that as a mountain lion is to a kitten," Buck replied, unable to help a grin at his metaphor.

Chris returned the grin hesitantly, glad that his friend hadn't withdrawn after he had told him his darkest secret. Then again, what he and Buck had already borne together had been, if not this bad, certainly a kind of grim preparation.

"I guess I'll never find out, anyway. I don't know if there's anyone I could trust enough, and how would I ever be able to find anyone who'd want me after what that bastard did to me?"

Buck knew what he had to do. This had almost nothing to do with own feelings for Chris, except that he knew that he wanted this as much as before, if not more. He had to show Chris how it could be with a man, gently and sweetly as he'd longed to show Chris for so long. He had to show Chris that what that animal had done to him was the aberration, not the gentleness that lovers should share. He had to show Chris that the ordeal made no difference to his responses. He had to be prepared for the possibility of Chris finding someone else after he showed him this. And he had to be prepared not to let his feelings for Chris show too much. He could do that.

"Chris, could you trust me enough?"

"You? Well, of course. There's probably only be you or Vin that I could trust that much. But neither of you could ever..."

"Well," Buck swallowed the tinge of jealousy that the tracker's name had conjured up, "I can't speak for Vin, but I...I could. I could show you. If you want me to."

"Buck, how can you offer this after what I just told you?"

Buck decided to tell Chris enough of the truth to convince him.

"Chris, I never told you this, but...I've found you attractive for a long time. I couldn't ever think of telling you while you had Sarah, I didn't want to, and after she died, I couldn't. But now...Chris, what you just told me makes no difference in the way I feel about you, all it has done is make me want to show you how good it can be if you care about and trust the other person. There's a lot that we can't do now, there's no way that you're ready, and we don't have the necessary items to make it more comfortable, but I can show you how good it can be. I'd like to show you more, when you're ready, but if this is all that we have, it will be enough."

"But...why, Buck?"

"Because you're my friend, and I care about you, and you should never have had to go through what you did, and I want to show you that it isn't always like that."

"I'm scared, Buck. Like I said, I haven't been able to do anything since...then."

"Don't be scared," Buck whispered, taking Chris into his arms, at last. He didn't do any more at first, just settled the gunslinger into the warmth of his embrace. He sat back, feeling the other man's warmth against him, slowly starting to stroke his hands over Chris's shoulders.

"Feels nice," Chris murmured, arching into the touch just a little, but enough that Buck knew it was more than an involuntary movement.

"That's good, but I'll make sure you're okay with anything new. I don't want to make this bad for you."

Buck began caressing his friend a little more deeply, still going slowly, not wanting to do more than Chris was ready for. He moved his thumbs gently over Chris's neck, pausing for a moment to feel the flutter of his pulse, then, slowly, he touched his lips to the flutter, smiling against Chris's neck as the flutter increased in intensity.

"Damn, you are beautiful," Buck murmured as he moved back to look at Chris, wondering if he was moving too fast as Chris stiffened momentarily in his gentle embrace.

"I never had anyone say that to me before," Chris explained, relaxing again.

"Not even Sarah?"

"She told me I was good-looking a few times, or complimented my eyes or my hair or...other things," Chris was actually blushing, to Buck's carefully hidden amusement, "but no one's ever called me beautiful. It's... strange, but I like it."

"Well, you are beautiful to me, Chris Larabee. Believe that, if nothing else."

"I will. Buck...I don't want to move too fast, but..."

"But what?"

"I'm kinda tired. I know I don't want to rush things, but...I'd like to see you."

"Isn't the campfire enough?" Buck asked.

"Yes, but the clothes are too much," Chris replied in a whisper.

Buck smiled, and before he released Chris from his embrace, he took Chris's mouth in the kiss he'd dreamed of for so long.

Chris was still for a moment, then responded, kissing Buck back with almost as much enthusiasm as Buck was kissing him. Then, out of nowhere, Chris chuckled lightly.

"What?" Buck asked, breaking the kiss before it got too intense for Chris.

"This is the first time that I can remember that I got tickled by someone's mustache when I kissed them," Chris smiled.

Buck laughed, too, and responded, "I hope that it won't be the last," meaning it on two levels, although Chris would only pick up on the surface meaning.

As Chris pondered that, Buck began removing Chris's shirt, then his own. He worked slowly, revealing Chris's pale skin to his heated gaze. The light dusting of hair on his chest made the skin beneath seem paler, even the nubs of his nipples. He liked the contrast with his own skin, a little darker than Chris's pale flesh. Buck didn't resist the urge to taste Chris's skin, salty and sweet and completely addictive ran through his mind as his tongue explored the pale creaminess. Chris moaned as Buck's tongue caused sensations that were new, yet familiar, but sweeter than they'd ever felt.

As the roving tongue found Chris's aching nipples, a large warm hand began exploring new territory. Chris flinched, but patted Buck's hair reassuringly, as a hand moved over his pants, slowly undoing them. He gasped as warm fingers stroked the bulge forming beneath the pants, then groaned as Buck touched his naked hardness. Buck removed his own pants, which were becoming rather uncomfortable, and lay Chris back on his bedroll. Buck's brown eyes looked into blue so dark it was almost black, and he knew things were going well. With another look into those depths of blue, Buck kissed his way down Chris's torso, then, finally, he took Chris in his mouth. Chris screamed aloud at the first touch of Buck's tongue, and from the thrusting of his hips, Buck knew the other man wouldn't last long. It had been over six months, after all, he had a moment to think, before Chris's creamy liquid was shooting down his throat. Chris moaned and shook through his climax. Buck allowed Chris to slip out of his mouth, and moved to hold him in the aftermath of his orgasm.

Buck could feel the trembling in the muscular body he held tightly, as if it would go somewhere. Chris was holding him almost as tightly, though, and he wasn't going anywhere fast after such an explosive orgasm. Buck started in surprise as he felt warm lips caress his neck.

"Chris?"

"I hope so," murmured between small nips and kisses to Buck's neck.

"You...oh...you don't have to do anything...oh, god, don't stop...Chris, this was for you...oh, more, please."

"Do you or don't you want me to stop?" Chris looked amusedly at Buck, honestly not sure and not wanting do something that his friend didn't want.

"I do, but I don't," Buck answered, joining in Chris's laughter as he realised how he had put things.

"Okay," he added as he composed himself, "I know I would love for you to continue, don't get me wrong. I want you, Chris, like I said, I have for a long time. But...I don't want you to do anything for me that you aren't ready to do. I could take care of myself, and I would not think less of you at all if that was what you asked me to do. The last thing you need to think about right now is anyone's needs but your own."

Chris looked at Buck.

"I do need to do something for you Buck. I want to. I want to make you feel as good as you have made me feel. I don't want you to take care of yourself, I think you've probably been doing that a lot more than you've been doing anything else. I'm just..." Chris hesitated, "a little unsure of what to do. I hope you can be patient with me."

"Always, Chris. And the best advice I can give to you is to do to me what you like to have done to you. That's one of the advantages of bein' with a man, he's built like you are, and you know what gives him pleasure. Not that women aren't their own particular brand of heaven, but they do take longer to figure out, I've found."

Chris chuckled, "I can't believe even you think you have women figured out!"

Buck grinned back, "I never said I did. It's taken longer than I thought it would."

Chris didn't reply, he just began kissing Buck again, a little hesitantly. He moved his tongue into Buck's mouth, and realised that he was tasting his own essence. It was an unusual sensation, but not an unpleasant one. Buck moaned under his friend's hesitant caresses, letting Chris know what he liked. Of course, he liked anything that his friend did to him, but there were some caresses that made him shudder quite differently than the ones that just felt pleasant.

Chris's hesitancy led to some delightfully slow, gentle caresses and kisses that Buck was happy to just lie back and accept from his friend, but Chris soon became impatient at the slow pace, copying what Buck had done to him, kissing over the planes of Buck's chest and stomach, stopping for a moment as he realised what he was about to do, then engulfing Buck's hardness. To Buck's surprise he took him in almost all the way, not something that he would have thought possible for a virgin, so to speak. Buck would have commented, but he was overwhelmed by the heat and wetness of Chris's mouth. Buck moaned and thrust lightly into Chris's mouth, feeling the sensation of Chris's tongue moving over his throbbing flesh. The knowledge that this was Chris, at last doing this for him, was what eventually sent Buck over the edge, tumbling into the abyss of orgasm. He managed to gasp a warning to Chris just before he exploded, and Chris took advantage of the opportunity to release Buck from his mouth, replacing his lips and tongue with his fingers for an instant before Buck moaned and released his milky fluid.

They snuggled together for a while, feeling no awkwardness, Buck because this was what he had longed for, Chris because he was finally allowing himself to feel anything other than pain, and also because, after all, this was Buck, his old and close friend. Buck stirred after a few moments, finding his bandanna and cleaning them both, then, after a glance at the other bedroll, decided to take advantage of what might be his only opportunity to sleep in Chris's arms, wrapping them both in Chris's blankets. Chris murmured and buried his face in Buck's chest, asleep a moment later.

Buck followed him into sleep a few moments later, enjoying the play of the firelight on Chris's golden hair, murmuring just before his eyes closed the phrase he hoped he could say to Chris's face soon.

"I love you."

+ + + + + + +

The next morning was surprisingly unawkward. Chris woke first, startled for a moment to find himself naked in his best friend's arms, but then the memories of the night before came back to him. He hadn't known if even Buck would be able to hear what he had been through without thinking differently of him, then Buck's reaction and what they had shared. Chris knew that last night had not been enough for him. He needed to know what it was like to do more with his friend. But for now, it was enough to watch Buck sleep.

Chris thought that his friend looked younger as he slept. There was not the veneer of the joking, rakish womaniser on those beautiful features, and Chris thought that he preferred Buck like this, sleeping in his arms. He was glad that Buck hadn't asked him to swallow as he had, after tasting himself in his friend's mouth, Chris thought that it was probably an acquired taste, one that he was not sure that he wanted to acquire just yet. Chris realised with a grin that he had thought of Buck as beautiful a moment ago, and it had seemed so natural. Then again, this whole...encounter had seemed natural. Chris wondered at that, was it going too easily? Still, he was, and probably always would be, haunted by the memory of the prison. Chris shuddered at the thought of being taken like that again. He didn't know if he could allow even Buck to take him like that. Then he realised.

He hadn't had the dream last night. He hadn't relived the experience. A smile stole across Chris's face.

"What?" a sleepy murmur.

"Hmmmm?" Chris was quiet, in case Buck wanted to go back to sleep for a while.

"What plastered that smile that's competing with the sun across your face, Chris?" Buck's voice became stronger as he struggled through the layers of sleep.

"I didn't mean to wake you..."

"You didn't. Now what is it?"

"The smile? I just realised...I didn't have the dream again last night. For the first time since it happened."

"Really?" Buck's smile was almost as wide as Chris's.

"Yeah."

"No regrets?" Buck asked softly.

"None. Buck, you were so gentle...I didn't think of that time once. You have helped me so much already. Thank you."

"I can honestly say that it was all my pleasure," Buck smiled.

"Only half. So," Chris began to get up, "what happens now?"

Buck didn't answer for a moment, he was mesmerised by the sight of his friend's nakedness. He had seen brief glimpses, hoarded up for later poring over in his mind, and he had seen Chris lit by the campfire last night, but to see him in full daylight for the first time overwhelmed Buck.

"Buck?"

"I'm sorry, I was just thinking...one of those things that comes to mind at the oddest time, you know? To answer your question, we ride back to Four Corners, and take it from there."

"What do we tell the others? Do we tell them anything? I guess Vin and JD'll figure it out soon enough, but I'd like to tell them rather than let them find out the wrong way. And Nathan'll probably figure it out too."

"What do you want to tell them, Chris? It's up to you. I don't care what we do or don't tell anyone."

"Then we'd better tell the others something, as soon as we can. I don't know if I can tell them about...but that'll be my decision."

"Okay," Buck smiled, he knew that Chris had had to come to this decision on his own, but he was glad that Chris wanted to tell the others something. He just wished that it could be what he truly wanted it to be, but for now, what they had would be enough. At least Chris wanted it to continue.

After breakfast, they rode back to Four Corners. Buck couldn't help a grin at the enthusiastic wave JD gave them as they rode past the sheriff's office.

There were things to do, the horses to care for, the town to check, although it had not changed for the worse over the few days they had been gone, and other small tasks that took most of the rest of the day.

Chris didn't want to make it obvous that he and Buck wanted to talk to the others, so he sat through a meal he barely tasted, then several games of cards.

Eventually, as was the case most evenings, the rest of the customers took their leave of the saloon, but Ezra and Josiah, oddly enough, were in the middle of an interesting- looking hand of poker. The saloon owner gave up on them, as he had done a few times before, and tossed Chris, who he knew hadn't taken a single drink that night, the key to lock the door when they were finished.

The seven were alone at last, and one of them gathered his courage.

"I need to talk to you," Chris said, quietly.

One look at him was all that Josiah and Ezra needed to fold. Nathan and JD moved closer, Vin moved his hat from over his eyes, and Buck sat, offering silent support.

"I...I don't know how I'm gonna say this. It's a mite difficult to open up, it's taken me a while. Nathan knows, knd of, and Buck, too, but I want to tell you all about it, so that we can make sure it doesn't happen in Four Corners. That's a big part of the reason I'm tellin' you this. Buck and I discussed it, even he doesn't know that that's a part of why I want to tell you about this."

"You know you can tell us anything," Josiah replied, quietly.

"Thanks," Chris began talking again. "I couldn't tell you this before, but while I was in Jericho Prison, I found out some things I'd rather not have. I found out that the prisoners often take each other instead of women."

"Ah...yes. I have...heard of that sort of thing...happening in prisons," Ezra interjected. "Did...did they take you that way, Mr Larabee? By force?"

"You do seem to know about this, Ezra. Yes, and no. I was taken by force, it was painful and agonising and I truly pray none of you ever have to go through anything like that. It wasn't a prisoner who did it, though, it was the warden."

"Oh, god, no," JD moaned, almost under his breath.

Josiah clasped Chris's shoulder in a silent but eloquent message of support.

"The bastard's lucky he's already dead," Vin ground out, voice as gravelly as anyone had heard it. "I...once had a...friend go through something like this, when I was living with the Comanches."

"Why are you telling us this now?" JD had found his voice again.

"Well, the major reason is because I wanted to. I didn't know that I wanted to until just now, but I did. I also don't want this to happen to anyone else in Four Corners if I can help it, man or woman. I think that is all that you need to know right now."

"I had no idea things like this happened," JD murmured.

The rest of them almost smiled at their youngest member's naivete. Josiah had known much of the evil that men do, and although he had not heard much of this one, it was not unexpected. Nathan had treated Chris after the devastation of the prison, Vin had known both the good and the bad sides of this act in his time with the Indians, and Ezra had had many experiences in his life, good and bad. But JD...he had not had any experience with women, except for some experimental kisses with Casey. He may have heard of a man violating a woman, but he had probably not even considered lying with a man out of need or love, let alone the fact that a man could take another by force. It was yet another loss of innocence for him.

Ezra spoke, breaking the silence.

"Could I speak to Mr Larabee alone, please?"

The others, puzzled, moved outside.

Josiah, Nathan and JD moved away from Vin and Buck, patrolling the streets, although their distraction would not have done them much good if there had been a real danger.

After a few moments, Vin addressed Buck.

"How you feelin' about all this?"

"I'm shocked and devastated, like all of us, Vin."

"No, how are ya feelin', Buck? I know what it's like."

"You do? How could you?"

"Ya know that friend I was tellin' ya about? He weren't just a friend. He and I...were like you an' Chris. We bonded, like some boys do in the tribe. His name was Sunrise. About a year after that, he was taken by some white soldiers, but he didn't get out like Chris did. He found a gun. God, Buck, he was still bleedin' from what they did to him. That's how we knew what it was "

"God, Vin, I'm sorry. But how did you know about me?"

"That you're head over heels about Chris? I've seen ya lookin' at him, when he couldn't see, and I know what that look means. I don't think that anyone else noticed, though, I was lookin' pretty hard. I was thinkin' about talkin' to him myself, but I soon figured out he wasn't interested in men Then I figured out what you were feelin', and I figured that if he were ever gonna change his mind, you deserved the first chance. You knew him first, and there's someone else I'm kinda interested in, too. But you gotta be twistin' up inside over this whole thing."

"It's Chris that we need to think about, Vin. I don't matter right now."

"You matter as much as Chris does," Vin replied, "'Specially cause ya can't even talk about it. But ya can to me, if ya ever need to."

"Vin...I'm...helping Chris."

"Like all of us. As a friend."

"No...Vin...when he told me...I said that it wasn't what his first time with a man should have been like, and I told him part of the truth, that I had been attracted to him for a long time. I...offered him my help, and he accepted it."

"Ya made love with him?"

"Not exactly...I didn't go that far, but yes, in a very real sense, I did make love to him. It wasn't...everything, you understand, but we were together, and we will be again."

"And ya didn't tell him how ya feel?"

"I couldn't, Vin. He doesn't need to know about how I feel right now, he needs help to recover his sense of himself, he doesn't need to think about anything but what he needs right now."

Vin looked at the man sitting beside him in the darkness, lit only by the lights inside the saloon. The depths he'd always suspected lay beneath the joking, rakish exterior were deeper than he'd ever imagined. For him to give so much of himself, even with the love he felt for Chris, almost despite the love he felt, for it must have cost him a lot not to reveal it when Chris had confided in him... For just a moment, Vin felt envious of Chris, to have a love like that his for the taking.

"Buck, how do you stand it?" Vin had to ask.

"Because it's enough for now, Vin. It has to be. And if it's all I'll ever share with Chris, well, it's more than I ever thought I would."

Vin didn't reply, there seemed no need right then for more words.

Meanwhile, inside the saloon, Ezra was shuffling cards, distractedly. Chris was too drained from talking of his ordeal to draw him out, and it was not usually as if Ezra needed to be drawn out when it came to talking.

True to form, he began talking soon after he had decided to stop shuffling.

"Mr Larabee...Chris. This is not easy for me to say, and I don't think you will find it any more easy to hear than the tale you told me earlier tonight. But I want to share it in the hope that you will realise that your...unfortunate initiation into the world that two men can share was not the way it should have been."

Chris began to speak, only to be interrupted by a firm but gentle hand on his arm.

"Please, Chris. I cannot say this without interruption. It is...difficult enough for me to think about as it is."

At Chris's reluctant nod, Ezra continued talking.

"I have known much in my life, Chris. As a child, I was moved around a great deal, my mother left me with whichever relatives were speaking to her that month. The aunt I was staying with when I was fifteen declared that I was old enough to...service her in return for my lodging. I can't explain to you how appalled I was at the very notion. I felt that she was like my mother, untouchable, it felt sinful when she would...make me hard, then use me to gratify her needs. I was never so grateful to see my mother after only two weeks, although that woman tried to persuade my mother to leave me with her longer. Thank God Mother listened to me, it was the first and only time that I remember her doing so, I must have been convincing. I'd had the usual urges of boys by then, of course, but I found the notion of being with a woman...disturbing after what I had experienced with my aunt. Mother didn't seem to notice, not that she ever noticed much of anything when it came to me, that I was spending all my time with male companions, that I avoided women whenever I could, except for herself and some of her friends who I had known before. Even they seemed to be fixated on how I looked, patting my hair, exclaiming how beautiful my eyes were. They made me feel like...a thing. A beautiful ornament, good for nothing, except to make them look better beside me. A few months later, Mother became part of an acting group. Not that she had to try too hard, she had been acting in one way or another her whole life, as had I, when she needed me to. That time changed my entire life.

I met someone in the group who changed my life, although I didn''t realise it then. He was much older than I was, but we became good friends. His name was Edward, and it seemed to give people some amusement to say our names together, Edward and Ezra. I even confided in him about my aunt, something I'd been too ashamed to do with anyone before. He was very understanding, and that was the night he first kissed me. I was surprised, but not shocked, there had been remarks made about him that I had not understood until he kissed me. His lips were so gentle and warm. That was all that happened that first night, I could not go further then, and he understood. I dreamed about that kiss for many nights after, and, eventually, I went to him again. He asked me what I wanted, and I replied that I wanted to feel the way he made me feel, cherished. He told me that he did cherish me, that he wanted me to know that I was special and deserving of love, not like what that woman had done to me. Chris, he was the first person who ever told me that. He said that although he found me beautiful, he cared about what was inside me as well. I felt the same way. That was when he kissed me again, and, later, he took me for the first time.

The next few months were beautiful, it was the most peaceful, loving time of my life...so far.

Unfortunately, Maude pulled the wrong con in the wrong town, and we had to leave the group rather quickly or face prosecution, possibly even...more. I just had enough time to say goodbye to Edward, and to kiss him one last time. I wonder...if things might have turned out differently if I had been able to stay. I don't think they would have, I don't think that I loved him the way I should love someone I want to be with forever.

The next few years, until I could go out into the world on my own, were...difficult. Maude thought that I should...entice young women into either allowing me to steal their baubles, or to tell me the secrets of how to get into their homes. Whatever I could get out of them. I was...good at that kind of thing, because I didn't seem to ever become emotionally attatched to the women. Mother has never figured out why, I don't know if it's because she hasn't considered the possibility, or because she never took the time to notice. There were perhaps one or two, if I'd had time to get to know them, perhaps there might have been something, if I hadn't wanted what I had wanted from them, and there have been one or two women since I was on my own who have made me realise that it is possible to feel pleasure with a woman. But still...there is something inside of me that responds to men much more than I have ever been able to respond to women, and it is a part of me that I have had to accept.

But, Chris, all that I have just told you, that is not the reason I asked to speak with you privately, although I needed to have you understand my...nature before I told you the rest.

Three years ago, I was in South Carolina. It was not an easy time to be in that state, but...I felt some loyalty to the Confederate cause, enough to wear their uniform and to fight in their war. I got into something that I shouldn't have, it was a con that had no chance of succeeding, and I knew that from the beginning. Still...a man will pin his hopes on the slightest chance of things coming out right when he is starving.

Needless to say, I was caught, and sent to prison. I don't need to tell you what it was like, you have experienced similar conditions. All too similar, unfortunately.

When I first got to the prison, there were a few men there who made it obvious they had heard of me. I had no idea how, until I saw a man I had once...known, in the biblical sense. I didn't realise it then, but he had thrown me to those animals so they would no longer hurt him. That's the only reason I didn't kill him when I found out, for if I had had a similar opportunity, I cannot say that I would not have done the same. I think I am very glad that I never had to make a decision like that.

The first time was the worst, I think, although there were several attacks during the time I was in that place.

=====================

The first time...an experience I have never been able to forget.

He was a big man, like the warden, but nowhere near as clean or refined in his tastes. This man...he tied me to a bed, then he put everything he could think of inside me, and I don't mean his fingers or his tongue. He put a steel bar inside me, to loosen me up. I was lucky, it wasn't wide enough to cut me, although it tore a little. Then he used a rock, shaped appropriately. Then he took me, in agonising pain.

=====================

I learned later, that if I offered an...alternative, I could avoid being taken by force," Ezra ended his tale.

Chris shuddered at the thought of what that 'alternative' might be. He knew it was nothing like what he and Buck had shared the night before, although it might bear a superficial resemblance.

+ + + + + + +

Chris was silent for a moment, absorbing Ezra's story. His heart ached for the young man who had been so cruelly used at a time when most young men are having romantic fantasies about sex. True, the reality did not always match up with the fantasies, but at fifteen you can't know that yet. And later...he empathised with Ezra's prison ordeal, so similar to his own.

"You do understand," Chris finally spoke.

"Yes, and Chris, I know it's impossible to believe, but the act of love between men, it can be so different to what you experienced. It...took some time, but even after what I endured, I was able to know that act as it should be experienced again."

"I do know...in a way."

"In what way?" Ezra was confused.

"When I told Buck last night...he said something similar, that it shouldn't have been that way. And then he...showed me how it should be. Ezra...Buck has been...wonderful. If it weren't for him, I could never have told all of you about this."

"Chris...have you and Buck...have you made love?"

"Not yet. It was a little difficult last night. I'm not sure I could let even Buck take me like that yet, either. We'll take things as slowly as we need to, though."

"You'll be all right," Ezra gave Chris his genuine smile, one that he didn't often show people, "And Chris, remember, I'm here if you ever need to talk to someone who can understand a little more easily than someone who hasn't been through something like this."

"Thank you, Ezra. I'm lucky to have Buck and the rest of you to help me though this. Oh," Chris yawned, "I think I need to go find Buck now, or I'll fall asleep too soon."

"Goodnight, Chris," Ezra murmured, shuffling cards again.

He noticed Chris and Buck meeting outside the window, and caught the glance Vin gave to Buck when Chris couldn't see. Was Vin looking at Buck in the way he might look at a potential lover? Ezra was surprised at the wave of jealousy that went through his body at the thought. He had known that he found the quiet tracker attractive for a long time, and there was the sense of protectiveness he felt for Chris, but the sinking feeling he felt at the idea that Vin might turn to Buck was more intense than even those two feelings put together.

Vin entered the saloon, and Ezra decided to try to draw him out a little.

"Mr Tanner, a hand of poker before you retire?"

"Ezra, no offense, but after tonight, the last thing I wanna do is play poker. But I could handle just talkin' for a while."

"Mr Tanner, you are usually so silent, I was not expecting you to agree to conversation without some other activity, although conversation was what I actually sought."

"Ya know, Ezra," Vin flashed his rare, beautiful smile, "I don't know if that silent. It's just that ya say things in five words that could be said with one, and anyone'd look silent next to that."

"Perhaps, Mr Tanner, perhaps."

"Ya know, you've always reminded me of someone. About...two years ago, I was in Houston, takin' some buffalo skins to the guy who hired me to kill them. There was a theatre group, so I figured I'd go see the show. There was an actor...his name was Edward Moore. You remind me a bit of him. He was a lot older'n you, a'course, must be about Judge Travis's age."

"I never though of him as...old," Ezra murmured in response.

"Ya know him?"

"I did...a long time ago. Did you ever talk to him, or did you just watch the performance?"

"I met him, and his...partner, that same night."

"Partner?"

"Well...he wasn't married to the gentleman," Vin began, hesitantly, in case Ezra had not known.

"What was the...gentleman's name?"

"Andrew Morningstar. He was half-Comanche, so we had a lot in common. Edward Moore...he really cared about Andrew, ya could tell just by lookin' at them together. Andrew told me that they had met, and not been separated for more than a few hours since. A real case of love at first sight. I talked to Edward about how difficult it can be to be with another man in white society, it's not so hard with the Indians. He told me that it was his last tour in the theatre, and he and Andrew were going to live on Indian land when he retired. I've heard from friends, other Comanches, that they're still there."

"Mr Tanner...you don't seem shocked. I know that such relationships are not...frowned upon by the Indian people, and of course you grew up with them, but it seems...more than that."

Ezra didn't realise it, but his soul shone through his eyes at that moment, and Vin knew, finally, that the dreams and fantasies he'd had since meeting this charming rogue just might have a chance of coming true. He'd been hesitant for a lot of reasons, among them the bounty on his head, Ezra's seeming disregard for anyone but himself, the need for both of them to have the sense of freedom that could be taken away in a moment, as had almost happened to Ezra before he had agreed to stay and help build the town, and of course the possibility that Ezra may not have been interested in him in that way.

"Ezra...why don't ya tell me how ya knew Edward Moore?" Vin's drawl was soft, accepting, and Ezra did not hesitate to tell Vin the story he had so recently spoken of for the first time to Chris.

"Ya never forget your first love."

"Mr Tanner...there is something I must ask you. Please do not take offense, I am simply trying to look out for one of our closest friends who has recently gone through a terrible experience. Have you any...interest of the kind we have been discussing in Mr Wilimington?"

Vin carefully hid a smile. It seemed that his defences had worked rather too well. Still...he couldn't resist the chance to tease Ezra just a little.

"Why are you askin' me that, Ezra? Do I strike you in that way?"

"Not...exactly. Please do not think that I am making insinuations about you, Mr Tanner..."

"Vin."

"Vin? I suppose that's encouraging, at least in the sense that it gives me hope that you are not about to pull your gun on me. Well, Vin, I happened to be looking outside the window as Mr Wilmington took his leave of you earlier, and I saw the way that you looked at him. It seemed...more than sympathy for a friend."

"It was, but not like you're thinkin'. Don't say this to anyone else, cause I'll know if it's you, and if you do, I will pull my gun on you. Buck talked ta me about how feels about Chris. I guess Chris told you that Buck is...helpin' him?"

At Ezra's confirming nod, Vin continued.

"Buck loves Chris. He has for a long time, even before Chris's marriage. He never said anything, because having Chris for a friend had to be enough and it was."

"Then, maybe, there will be some good to come out of Chris's ordeal. For both of them."

"I hope so."

"Vin...there is another reason I am very glad that you have no interest in Mr Wilmington."

"What is it, Ezra?" Vin was not about to make this easier for Ezra just yet, it was too much fun teasing him.

Ezra looked Vin straight in the eye and spoke.

"Because that means that I may have a chance with you."

Vin's gaze back was equally as direct.

"You could."

"You're serious?"

"Never been more serious in my life, Ezra," and Vin reached out to cup Ezra's cheek in one hand, slowly moving his thumb to gently outline the full lips of the other man.

"Not here..." Ezra whispered, looking to see if someone might be watching.

"My room?"

"Of course..."

They moved slowly up the stairs, Vin unable to wait any longer before kissing Ezra, full lips covering the gambler's with a light, gentle touch. Ezra moaned in response, then pulled Vin towards the other man's room.

"So beautiful..." Ezra kissed Vin deeply, running his agile fingers through Vin's long hair.

"Oh, Ezra...I never thought..."

"Never?"

"Not...not as more than a fantasy. Or a dream."

Ezra smiled, the rare, genuine smile, and kissed Vin again, determined to show this beautiful man that if this was a dream, it was a waking one.

Vin returned the kiss, with interest, and he began to undress Ezra as the other man moved back to allow him to do so.

In a jumble of shirts, jackets, buckskin and silk, clothing was removed. Ezra gasped at the sight of Vin, lean and sleek and beautiful.

"Oh, Vin...my imagination could not have done you justice," Ezra whispered.

"Ezra...I want you. Now."

Vin knew the words were a mistake as soon as his lover (not yet, his mind whispered) processed them. The look of anticpation on the beautiful face turned to stone, and the erection that Vin had been stroking went limp in his hand.

"What..."

"A...painful memory. Vin...I...can't..."

"I'm sorry..."

"You could not have known. Vin, you have nothing to apologise for. This has never happened to me before. I can at least take care of your needs," he finished, grasping Vin's slighlty flagging but still healthy erection.

"Ezra...don't," Vin moved from the hand that Ezra had wrapped around him.

"Why? You need relief, and there's nothing wrong with my hand."

"There's nothing wrong, Ezra. I care too much to let ya think this is just about sex. I don't want ya to do that."

"But...why?'

"Don't ya realise, Ezra? I'm not just here to have sex. Hell, even in Four Corners there are a hell of a lot of other places I could go to for that. I want you in my life, in my bed, and not just to have sex. Now, why don't ya tell me why it happened, if ya know."

"You said...I want you. Now. That was what...she...said to me, the first time."

"Oh, god, Ezra, I'm sorry. If I'd known..."

"How could you? I didn't tell you, and there's no other way you could possibly have known."

"Well, I want you to tell me. Anything that might be a problem for you, or bring up bad memories. Then maybe we can avoid them, and next time we try this," looking at Ezra's surprised face, "Damn right there's gonna be a next time, and we'll be together like we're supposed to be."

"Vin...no one's ever treated me the way you have, except for Edward, and...I didn't feel the same way about him that I feel about you. I don't know what it is, but...it's special."

"Ezra, do ya know what love feels like? It's a lot like what ya just said."

Hesitantly, "How would you feel if it were love?"

"It would be like I found the home I lost when I was five years old."

"What does home feel like? Is it wanting to be with someone, not just to make love to them, but to be with them, to talk and sit by the fire and drink and then to be with them?"

"Sure sounds like it to me."

"Is it...the same as love?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"But...Vin...we're both men. We can't commit like a man and a woman. If you even wanted to..."

"It's too soon to know. And there might be somethin', if we get to that point. But we can't know yet."

"You're right. Oh," Ezra yawned.

"I think we both need some sleep," Vin smiled.

"I wish I didn't have to get up," Ezra murmured.

"If you like, ya can stay," Vin smiled at the look of happiness on Ezra's face at the suggestion, and lay down beside him.

"Hmmmm," Ezra murmured, finding that they seemed to fit perfectly into each other's arms.

A quick kiss, and they were both asleep.

+ + + + + + +

Chris made his way up the stairs, stopping halfway to look for Buck.

"Looking for someone, Cowboy?" came a soft whisper from the door of his room.

"I think I found him," Chris smiled.

Buck grasped his hand and pulled him through the door, locking it behind them.

A fleeting thought, always with him now, of the faint possibility of a fire trapping them, was driven from Chris's mind as Buck kissed him. The man seemed to put everything he was into his kisses. It was no wonder the ladies kept coming back for more. Maybe this was what Buck meant by his 'animal magnetism'. Whatever it was, it felt good to Chris's tortured soul to be worshipped like this.

"What did Ezra want to talk to you about?" Buck asked between kisses.

"It's not my place to say more than that he had something he wanted to share with me. If he wants to tell you, he will, but I can't. All I can tell you is that he is going to help me as well."

A tinge of jealousy touched Buck's heart, and he wondered if Ezra might be something for him to worry about now. Whatever he could have with Chris, it was too new and unformed for him to feel complacent or secure, and it was likely that Chris would move on with someone else after Buck gave him back his sense of self. Buck was more than prepared for it to be Mary Travis, he was conditioning himself to the possibility, and the slightly less likely thought of Vin had crossed his mind, although their earlier conversation had made him realise that he'd misjudged the quiet tracker's intentions, but he'd never considered anyone else.

And there was only one form of help that he could imagine Ezra giving to Chris. The help of someone who had been through something similar. That kind of bond could become very strong, especially when forged over something as brutal as Chris's ordeal.

But he could not dwell on the possibilities of what might happen tomorrow when he had Chris in his arms now.

The kisses deepened, Chris's hesitancy becoming less evident with the familiarity of the gestures, even though the body he was caressing was different than it had ever been. Last night had been a little too rushed to appreciate most of the differences aside from the obvious, and Chris was making up for that lack now. At Buck's nod of invitation, Chris began to remove Buck's clothes. Chris gasped a little as Buck's shaft, semi-erect, sprang free of the restriction of his trousers. How could something that large fit inside him? True, Buck wasn't as large as the warden had been, but Chris did not think that would help Buck to fit inside him any more easily.

"What is it?" Buck was attuned to Chris's slight hesitancy.

"You-you're so big," Chris replied, before he could stop himself.

"I knew you wouldn't be ready for that yet. It's okay. I'm going to show you how to take me, and then, someday, when you're ready, I'll get to be inside you and feel your heat around me."

Chris's burgeoning erection jumped and thickened at the thought of taking Buck.

"How do we start?" he asked.

"By lying down together," Buck murmured as he pulled Chris down to lie beside him. "Oh, before we start...do you have any oil?"

"Oil? I guess...the stuff I use on my hair. It's got no herbs or anything, there's no scent."

"That's perfect. Where is it?"

"The bedstand."

"Good. We don't have to get up. Now...where were we?"

"Right about here," Chris whispered as he gently kissed Buck.

Buck's mind reeled at the touch of Chris's lips on his. This was what they both needed. Chris would regain some of what he had lost if he could take Buck, and Buck longed to feel the man he loved buried deep inside him.

"How does this work?" Chris asked, caressing Buck's chest as he spoke, his fingers igniting liquid fire in Buck where they touched.

"Get...get the oil," Buck managed to gasp, and wondered how he kept from moaning in disappointment as the caressing hand left his chest.

"Okay, what now?"

"Put some on your fingers, then, takin' it slowly, put a finger inside me."

"Inside you where?" Chris was puzzled. Buck smiled at him, and guided him until he got the idea.

"Oh, yeah. Remember that little Mexican...lady? Before Sarah, of course. She taught me how to do that with a woman. Does it work like that?"

"At least in the beginning," Buck smiled, "It gets a little different later, though."

That was his last coherent word for a few minutes as he got used to the feeling of Chris's slender finger inside him.

"Yeah, that's it...oh, god, you feel good, Chris."

"You're so hot and tight. You know...I'm not exactly...uh... small, either. Are you sure I'm gonna fit?"

Buck burst into a short fit of the giggles at Chris's question. Calming, he answered.

"Yes. All you need to remember is to take the stretching slow and use lots of oil. Speaking of which, more would be a good idea now, and you can start to add another finger. That's it," he purred as a second finger joined the first, and a yowl of passion escaped him as Chris began to carefully scissor the fingers inside him, hitting a small swelling.

"What was that?" Chris asked, noticing that Buck felt hotter than ever.

"It's something that men have...I don't know if it's got a name, but it feels so damn incredible when someone touches it....ohhhhhhhhhh," groaning incoherently as Chris added a third finger, brushing the spot again with the tips of his stretching fingers.

"How stretched do you need to be?" Chris asked, feeling that he would soon burst without relief from the tension that was building up in his body.

"This should be enough. Put some oil on yourself now."

Chris complied, nearly setting himself off as he did so.

"Okay, now...I want to see you, the first time. Lie down on top of me, then slowly work your way inside me. That's all you gotta remember, take it slow."

"So it's all about gentleness?" Chris murmured as he probed once more inside Buck, making sure his friend was stretched enough.

"Yes. For me, anyway. Not that a little rough play can't be fun, but that's for later. I don't think it's what either of us needs right now."

"How do you always know what I need?" Chris asked softly. "It's not only this, it's...everything. Ever since I've known you."

"Chris..." Buck would have loved to answer, but he knew Chris wasn't ready to hear the truth, and he was too turned on to think of a convincing half-truth, "I'll tell you, I promise, but right now...I need you. Please, Chris, make love to me."

The low pleading went straight to Chris's erection, which jumped and thickened once more, and without conscious thought, he began teasing his way inside Buck, slowly and gently. He gasped as the hot tightness enveloped him, Buck wrapping his long legs around his waist, encouraging him to go deeper into the hot channel. Buck moaned deeply as Chris hit that spot inside him again.

"Chrisssss...pleassssse....touch me..." Buck gasped as the sensations threatened to become too intense to bear.

"Where?" Chris was almost at the edge too.

Like...oh god...lasssssssst night...with your hand. And Chrisssss....now, pleassssssse."

As Buck clamped down on him, searching for his climax, Chris took Buck's erection into his slick hand. It took only a few strokes for Buck to reach his climax, calling Chris's name, and as his internal muscles clamped down harder on Chris, the blonde man emptied himself inside the clasping body. Chris collapsed on top of Buck as his climax tapered off, both men groaning as Chris slipped from Buck's body.

"Damn," was all Chris said as he moved off Buck.

"Was that okay?" Buck asked, wondering if Chris had not enjoyed it.

"No, it wasn't 'okay'. Buck....that was...I can't describe it. Wonderful, incredible, I haven't felt like this in a long time, but a hell of a lot more than 'okay'."

"Chris, you've got to remember, I don't know what you're thinkin' or feelin' most of the time, unless you tell me. And if you do or don't like anything I do to you, or that you do to me, I want to know."

"Damn," Chris shook his head, not saying anything more.

"What?"

"Buck, it's no damn wonder that you have so much success with the ladies. You're what they're all after. Someone who thinks about them, not just himself, someone who wants to make them feel good."

'Sometimes I wish I could know what you're thinkin'. Or that you could know what I'm thinkin'. Then you'd know that it's not like this all the time. Sure, I want the ladies I'm with to feel good, hell, even the men there have been, but with you...god, it is so much more,' Buck thought.

Aloud, he replied, "I'm not sure that's the only attraction," keeping his voice light.

Chris grinned at him, "I'd have to agree. You are damn good at this. Or is it always like this with a man?"

Buck had to remind himself that it was, at least in part, Chris's inexperience with men that led him to ask that question, and that it shouldn't hurt him that he put all of himself into being with Chris and that Chris had noticed it but not realised. Unfortunately, it did hurt, and he had to look away from Chris for a moment to slip the mask of friendship back onto his face.

"Chris...it's only like this if you do care about the other person. And you know I care about you."

"And you know I care about you. Still...it wouldn't be like this with anyone else. I know that."

"Yes, you're right. And Chris, remember, this is your first time with another man. It's gotta be pretty intense for that, if nothing else."

"That's true, but I still think there's something special between us. It's the bond we've always had, partly, but there's more. Maybe it's as simple as the addition of more to us, I'm not sure. Hell, maybe it's even that I'm finally able to feel anything good, after that bastard. But I'm not going to analyse it to death. I'm just going to enjoy it."

"That sounds good," Buck grinned. Now if only he could follow that advice for himself.

"You know," Chris murmured, "I think that bond, the one that's always been there, that's what I was asking you about earlier. That's how you know what I need, when I need it."

Buck felt a sense of relief wash over him. He wouldn't have to come up with a half-truth to answer Chris. And, in a very real sense, Chris had answered himself better than Buck ever could. It was just the nature of the bond that they saw differently.

Buck smiled as Chris found a cloth, cleaning both of them.

"I guess I should get goin'," Buck said as he moved to get out of bed, looking for his clothes.

"You could stay," Chris's voice was soft.

"I can't do that every night. You'll start to depend on it too much," Buck was speaking to himself almost as much as Chris.

"Just tonight. Please?"

Like Buck could ever refuse a plea from Chris.

"I'll stay. Tonight," as if it wasn't what he wanted to do more than anything.

Chris smiled, and wrapped his arms around Buck, as if he would never let go.

Buck could only hope that the day would come that Chris would not want to.

The town of Four Corners was silent and watchful that night. There was a sense of anticipation that could not be denied, although what was being anticipated was still unclear.

The morning came, and Ezra had not been aware of sleeping, although he supposed he must have, if only for a few minutes between night and dawn, for it seemed that one moment the room was dark, and all he could feel were Vin's arms around him, and the next, he was looking at Vin's beautiful sleeping features.

'At least one of us got some sleep,' Ezra thought, for he had not been able to stop the flood of memories the night before had unleashed. At least he was used to little or no sleep on occasion, with the life he had led, he had had to become used to it. Ezra sighed, laying his head on Vin's chest once more.

"What?" Vin's sleep-roughened voice asked.

"Just trying to sleep. Sorry if I woke you."

Vin grinned. That was possibly the shortest thing he'd ever heard Ezra say.

"You didn't. I wake around this time every day."

"And a time of day that you look most beautiful in, if I may be so bold," Ezra replied.

"Well, thank you, Ezra," Vin blushed.

"You are welcome. I was thinking...we might have some time, if you would like to have another try at what we so unfortunately did not get to complete last night."

"If that is a long-winded way of asking if I'd like to make love, the answer," Vin kissed Ezra lightly, "Is yes," and he deepened the kiss.

"I like your acceptance of an invitation," Ezra smiled as he pulled back from Vin. "Now there is one thing more that we need. Oil or...something."

"No bear grease around when you need it," Vin mock-griped, dissolving into laughter at the look of horror on Ezra's face at the suggestion. "Hey, the Indians have been using it for generations."

"I'm sure they have," Ezra replied, sounding disgusted at the very idea.

"There's oil in a vial in my dresser. Seein' that you don't have to go through the ordeal of usin' bear grease, you can go get it. Second drawer on the left."

Ezra contemplated the chances of persuading Vin to get up, and decided that although the possibilities were tempting, to say the least, he would probably be much better off simply getting up himself.

Ezra found the oil and was moving back to the bed when Vin pushed the sheet off himself, unconsciously making a picture of need that went straight to Ezra's head (or at least that's what he claimed), made him dizzy and almost made him spill the oil.

"I think you better lie down, Ezra," Vin commented as he rescued the small glass bottle from Ezra's trembling fingers, "I think you need to be taken care of."

"I was going to..."

"Next time," Vin whispered, just before he captured Ezra's lips with his own. Then a thought occurred to him, "Unless you need to be..." he trailed off, unsure what the man in his arms really needed.

"No, Vin, it's fine. I was just wanting to take care of you, after last night. But please...continue."

"You got it,' Vin murmured, kissing Ezra once more. He allowed his tongue to slip into the pliant mouth, duelling with it's mate, then he began to explore, gently licking the inside of Ezra's cheek, and then the roof of his mouth. Ezra moaned and shook in Vin's arms as the sensations coursed through his body. Vin was a little surprised, he'd never had a lover lose control this quickly, but he liked it. Obviously Ezra did too. Vin let his tongue slip from Ezra's mouth, and began licking his neck, then gently nibbling at it. Ezra's cries of passion were beautiful to Vin, who continued his attentions to Ezra's neck for a while, then kissed his way past Ezra's collarbone, finding his nose tickled by the light dusting of hair on the other man's chest. Vin chuckled softy, from the sensation, and the sheer joy of loving someone so responsive to his touch, eliciting a moan and a full-body shudder from Ezra as the touch of soft lips and tongue on his skin. Vin took a nipple into his mouth, more moans that sounded like they originated somewhere just under his lips sounding from the man he was pleasuring. Vin wanted Ezra to feel nothing but good, he'd felt more than enough bad in his life, Vin reflected. After working his magic on both of Ezra'a nipples, Vin kissed and licked his way down Ezra's stomach, nuzzling the dark curls that surrrounded his ultimate goal. Ezra was moaning something that sounded like his name, and Vin's neglected erection jumped at the moans. He licked tentatively at the beads of moisture weeping down the column of flesh, tracing the vein with his tongue, then the head. Finally, he took all of Ezra inside his mouth, relaxing his throat muscles and sucking gently. Ezra didn't thrust, he seemed either too turned on or too shocked (probably a combination of both), but after a few gentle sucks, he stiffened and spilled his seed down Vin's willing throat.

As Ezra's hardness became soft, Vin allowed him to slip out of his mouth, knowing that he would be too sensitive to bear more touches there just yet. As Vin moved from Ezra's groin, he noticed a scar, almost hidden by the curls.

"What's that?" he asked softy.

"From...the prison," Ezra replied.

Vin's response was to kiss and lick it gently. Ezra's gasp of surprise and passion went straight to Vin's aching hardness, and he pressed it further into Ezra's calf.

"I think you need something now, Vin," Ezra whispered, drawing him up by his hair to kiss him again at last.

"What do you want, Ezra?" Vin knew what he wanted, but considering Ezra's past, he could not bring himself to ask for it. It must be something that Ezra gave, always, now.

"You. Inside me. Please, Vin."

"Ezra, are you sure? There are...other things we could do..."

"And I'm sure we'll do them, sometime. No, Vin, you are...there are no words...to offer me that, but I want you to make love to me."

Vin's erection jumped again, and he knew it could not last long once he was inside his lover. He carefully prepared Ezra for penetration, unable to suppress a shocked gasp at the scarring on his buttocks. When Ezra tensed at the gasp, he stroked and kissed the marks, then gently tongued the pucker between his cheeks, allowing his tongue to explore inside briefly. Ezra groaned at the wetness and heat of Vin's tongue exploring him so intimately, and briefly protested when Vin stopped to begin stretching him with his fingers. Vin worked up to three fingers, knowing Ezra was stretched enough when he could feel the small swelling inside him. Vin slicked a little more oil inside Ezra, then coated his throbbing hardness with the oil.

Ezra moved to turn over, but was stopped by Vin. An unspoken message flickered between them in the heat of their gaze, and Ezra pulled pillows behind him, under his back. Vin eased his way slowly inside Ezra, blue eyes locked on green fire, and he bent to kiss him as he slid in the last few inches. They stayed still for a few moments, allowing the feeling of connection to build. The burning became a little too intense, and Vin began thrusting into the body below him. Ezra moved to meet him, and the rhythm that time had evolved took over their senses. Hands moved to grasp Ezra's renewed hardness, and Vin moved on him in rhythm with the thrusts of his hips. A few gentle pulls, and Ezra was screaming his second orgasm, the clenching of his muscles pulling Vin's climax from deep inside.

Vin collapsed forward onto Ezra, pulling out of his lover's sensitised body. Murmured endearments, and Vin let his guard down.

"I love you," he whispered, before he could stop himself, if he had wanted to.

Ezra looked at him in wonder, and his heart twisted, knowing there had been a part of Ezra that had expected him to walk out the moment their lovemaking had finished. Vin made a vow then that Ezra would know what it was to be loved. He would do everything in his power to make the man he held happy.

"Vin...I think I love you too, but...I don't know. I've never loved anyone before."

"Ezra...don't say the words. Not until ya know it. I know, in my heart, that you do, but ya can't say it if ya don't know how ya feel."

"Thank you, Vin. I will take your advice. Oh...I wish I didn't have to get up, but we do have a full day planned. I'm rather glad that my day does not involve riding," and he flashed a wicked smile at Vin as he got up, pulling enough clothes on not to shock anyone but the highest sticklers for propriety for the short walk down the hall to his room.

As Ezra closed the door of Vin's room, he heard Chris's door open. Buck caught sight of him as he let go of Vin's door.

"Ezra?"

"Yes, Buck?"

"I...uh...did you just come from Vin's room?" a strange, out-of-place note of relief in his voice.

"Yes, I did. Just as you just came from Chris's room. Am I to hope that you and Mr Larabee spent last night together as well?"

"As...well? You and Vin?" The relief was now unmistakable.

"Yes, Buck. Vin and I...understand each other. He means a great deal to me."

"I'm glad. Now if I could only get Chris to...understand me the same way," and his face clearly showed his feelings.

"It will take time, Buck. Chris has been through a most traumatic experience. But...I feel that one day, he may look at you the same way that you look at him."

"I hope so, Ezra. How about breakfast? I find that I have a large appetite this morning."

"I'll join you as soon as I make myself presentable," Ezra smiled as he opened the door to his room.

+ + + + + + +

Once he had dressed, Ezra hurried downstairs to join Buck. He was hopeful that they could continue the conversation they had begun.

He was pleased to find Buck sitting in front of a large plate of eggs and bacon, coffee to one side, with an identical plate opposite him.

The two men were silent for several minutes, eating taking precedence over everything else, but at last their immediate needs were sated.

Buck spoke first. "Ezra, when I first met you, I would never have imagined that you...liked men."

Ezra smiled at the misconception, and replied, "No more than I would have said the same thing about you, Buck. But...it's not men, is it? It's the person. I mean...I honestly cannot imagine having what I have with Vin with you, or JD, or Josiah. Not in this time and place. Maybe...if circumstances had been different, it might have been Chris and Vin, and you and I. But it was not, and I am glad it was not."

"Ezra...I truly cannot imagine loving anyone the way I love Chris. The way I have loved Chris for a very long time. It has almost nothing to do with the fact that Chris is a man, it's Chris I love, not his gender."

"I cannot really imagine anyone else in my life. I think I love Vin, but...how do I know?"

"Ezra, I have loved Chris for so long, I cannot tell you how it first began. But you will know when it is right for you. Have you decided how...public you are going to be?"

"For myself, I truly do not care if the entire town knows about Vin and I, but...there is always the spectre of the charges in Texas. If the wrong man comes to town and finds out that the notorious outlaw Vin Tanner is consorting with a man, well...the charges would be unavoidable."

"Have you ever considered that the church thinks of what we did last night as wrong?"

"What did you do last night?" a deep voice asked.

"Josiah..." Buck could say no more.

"Did you finally do somethin' about those looks you've been givin' Chris since I've known the two of you?" Josiah asked.

"Dammit, does everyone watch the way I look at Chris except him?"

"Who else?" Ezra asked, curious.

"Vin noticed. But I thought he was the only one."

"Mr Tanner is a very...perceptive man," Ezra mused.

"I'm sure he is," Buck remarked dryly.

"To answer your question, Buck, yes, I noticed. And to answer the question you are about to ask, no, I don't think it's wrong. The act is not actually prohibited in the Good Book, there is much speculation about the specific phrasing in the section which mentions it. The word that is...in dispute, shall we say, is either intercourse or rape. I choose to believe that the word is rape, and that love, no matter who it is experienced with, is never wrong."

Buck and Ezra exchanged shocked glances.

"How can you feel this way, Josiah? It's against the teachings of the church."

Josiah grimaced at Ezra's remark. "That's exactly why I left the priesthood. I couldn't reconcile my views with the teachings, and I didn't feel that I could give my complete service to the Lord if I couldn't agree with others' interpretation of His words. That's when I went on my quest to understand other people's belief systems."

There was something in his voice of how difficult it must have been to leave something he had expected to protect and nurture him for the rest of his life. But there was also a note of something else, something the two men listening couldn't quite pin down. It seemed partially resignation, partially acceptance that the world could not be changed, and there was something else, something intangible, something that the listening men felt that they would be less pleased with, somehow, if they could identify it, and if they did, it would, somehow be less understandable. Perhaps it was as simple as knowing his life was on the right path, although it was not the one he would have chosen.

"How did you know it was Buck and Chris?" Ezra asked. "If I were observing the seven of us, I would have presumed if any of us had a...more intimate relationship it would be Chris and Vin. No matter how many glances Buck has thrown Chris's way."

"Yes...I think that that would be the case for a casual observer," Josiah agreed, "I am not one, though. I think...if Chris had not gone through the experience in the prison, and if he had not found happiness with Mrs Travis, then, just possibly, he and Vin might have looked at each other in a different light. Who knows, perhaps if circumstances had been different, I myself might have felt the way about Chris that Buck does. But circumstances are as they are."

"Josiah, are you saying that you have...been with a man?" Buck's voice was soft.

"No, I have not. I have never been presented with the opportunity. But...there is someone, someone I did not think I could even ask for permission to court. But now, maybe, I can."

"Who?" Ezra and Buck asked together.

"Mrs Travis...Mary."

Buck shook his head, surprise, relief, and a slightly stronger glimmer of hope warring to be the primary emotion he was feeling.

"You didn't think you could...hope because of Chris?" Ezra asked.

"Yes. But now...Chris has someone who loves him more deeply than Mary ever could."

"There's just one problem," Buck replied. "I may love Chris, but all he thinks I am doing is helping him get through the second worst experience he's ever had in his life."

"But, Buck," Ezra sounded excited, "If Josiah and Mary become close, then Chris will turn to you. Who else is there?" The gambler realised that he had said the wrong thing the moment the words left his lips.

"You can't possibly think I'd want Chris that way," Buck replied, surprisingly calm.

"I'm sorry, Buck. I cannot control my tongue at times."

"I'll bet Vin likes that," Buck grinned.

"I still can't believe I said that, though."

"I think," Josiah replied, "That if I were to court Mary, things might become clear for Chris. Either he will realise that yes, he does want Mary, regardless of his experience in prison, thanks to Buck's help, or he will realise that he does not want Mary, and, hopefully, that he does want Buck. And none of us will be any worse off than we were before, regardless of the outcome, and we may, with the Good Lord's help, be better off."

"Well...I always said that I would let Chris go if that was how it turned out," Buck replied, "And I don't think either of us wants Chris or Mary by default. I wish you luck, Josiah."

"And I you, Brother," Josiah replied. "Both of you," and he clasped Buck's shoulder in a gesture of support as he rose to leave.

"That was...interesting," Ezra thought it best to break the tension with words.

"That's one word for it," Buck agreed.

"Buck, I'm sorry I put things the way that I did. I'm sure that Chris will one day feel about you the same way that you feel about him."

"I don't think it could ever happen, Ezra. I'm just grateful to have what I have now. If it is all that I am ever to have, I will be happy. I love him enough to let him go, if that is what's best for him."

"Let's hope that it doesn't become necessary," Ezra smiled, and they left the table to begin their day.

Josiah paused at the door of the newspaper office, watching Mary for a moment as she spoke to Mrs Potter. He smiled as he noticed a strand of blonde hair escape from the chignon she usually wore, and longed to smooth it back. He ached to touch her, to know the softness of her hair and skin. And now, maybe, it could happen. If such a lovely young woman could ever think twice about someone his age.

"Hello, Josiah," Mrs Potter smiled at him as he held the door for her.

"Ma'am," he tipped his hat to her, then removed it as she left the building.

"What can I do for you, Josiah?" Mary asked, turning her blue eyes to him.

"Mrs Travis...may I call you Mary?" Josiah asked, something he had not been able to do before.

"I'd like that," she smiled at the big man, thinking how gentle he seemed.

"This is kind of difficult for me, Mary. It's been a long time."

"What has?"

"Mary...I would like to...I guess the only word that fits is court... I'd like to court you."

She was surprised. That was her first reaction. Then a brief thought of her late husband. Then...a moment of thinking of what might have been if Chris had been ready for a relationship when he had first come to Four Corners. Then...curiosity. Curiosity as to what those lips would feel like pressed against hers. What those arms would feel like, holding her close to that chest. What those hands would feel like on her body. Surprise came next, for if she had been asked as recently as that morning if she had ever considered Josiah Sanchez in that way, the answer would have been a polite negative.

"I...Josiah, I don't know what to say."

"Well, at least you have not said no. Are you hesitant because of my age? I am a little older than you are, and I can understand if you could not think of me that way."

"Josiah, if you had asked me this morning if I could have thought of you as anythimg more than a friend, someone who takes care of the town, I would have said no. But...the way you asked me...I can't say no. But...Josiah, I still have some hope of something happening with...someone else," she finished, not wanting to say the name that trembled on her lips.

Josiah said it for her.

"Chris."

"Yes. I know he made it very clear that nothing was going to happen, but...there is always hope."

"Had you thought that if another man, one who, dare I say it, has quite a bit to offer a woman, were to court you, it might stir Chris into realising what he would be giving up? And if he did not, well...I am not such a bad proposition, am I?"

Mary smiled at the last. "No, you are not. But...what if Chris does decide that he wants me? I couldn't ask you to remove yourself from the town, we need you here too badly."

"To have a chance to prove what I could be to you, and, perhaps, to Billy, is all that I ask."

Mary nodded. "I would...like to find out, Josiah. I have a feeling that if I didn't give you a chance, I would end up regretting it for the rest of my life."

Josiah smiled, reaching out to finally smooth that errant strand of hair back into the orderly framework of her chignon. After he gently tucked it in, he moved a large hand over the curve of her jaw, then gently caressed the softness of her cheek. She leaned into it for a moment, and he asked, softly, "Mary, will you have dinner with me, alone, tonight?"

She nodded, feeling the roughness of his palm against her smooth flesh. It ignited a low, burning tingle in her body that would only need a few more strokes to turn into a blazing flame.

As Josiah turned to leave, her last thought was that she had never had such a response to Chris's brief touches.

That afternoon, Buck rode wearily back from patrol. All he wanted was a bottle of whiskey, some food, and about six hours of being with Chris. He swore under his breath as he rode past the sheriff's office and saw Chris sitting in front. Getting his emotions as under control as he could, and hoping that Chris would see any that showed through as tiredness, he asked Chris when he would be finished.

"Soon as Vin gets back in. He shouldn't be long."

"Want to grab some dinner?" Buck asked, as casually as he could manage.

"I'd like that. Doesn't seem as if we've just talked in a while," Chris sounded as if he missed it.

Buck was surprised to realise that he missed it too. He'd thought that Chris in his bed, however briefly it might turn out to be for, was what he needed, but...it wasn't enough. He wanted, no matter how else their relationship evolved, for Chris to always be his friend. He missed the friend since finding the lover, and he knew, deep in his heart, which one he would have for the rest of his life.

"Meet you at the saloon?" he said aloud.

"Meet you there," Chris replied, turning to go back inside.

Well, if he couldn't have the six hours with Chris just yet, and the food would have to wait a bit too, at least he could have the third requirement, Buck grinned to himself, waving to JD who was leading his horse out of the livery, in the direction of the trail for Nettie Welles' place.

"Whiskey," he murmured to the barkeep as he finally collapsed into a chair.

Ezra came downstairs, and the smile of welcome only dropped a notch when he realised that the rider who had just come in wasn't Vin.

"He'll be back soon," Buck managed to raise a smile for his friend.

"How did you know?"

"Same symptoms I'm suffering from. When I'm away from Chris, and someone rides up, it's always him until I see someone else walkin' in the door."

"Yes, that's it exactly."

Buck decided to chance a question. "Ezra, I know you've talked to Chris. Can I ask you something? It's not about what I suspect has happened to you."

"All right. I can't promise to answer, though."

Buck blushed, this was difficult, but he needed to know. "Ezra, how long after...were you able to let someone take you? I truly want to know that with Chris, but I'm terrified for him that I might try it before he is ready."

"It was a long time after. This morning, to be completely precise. I couldn't allow anyone before Vin...I couldn't give my trust to anyone before him. But it's different for you and Chris. I would...suggest taking things slowly. Perhaps penetrate him with your fingers first, allow him to become used to the sensation of being filled in a different way to what that animal did to him."

"Thank you, Ezra. That must have been as difficult for you to answer as it was for me to ask."

"Oh, there are many things I would have found more difficult for you to ask. I will do anything I can to help you and Chris."

Buck didn't reply with words, he just clasped Ezra's hand.

Chris came in at that moment, and he felt a wave of emotion he couldn't identify. All he knew was that he didn't like Buck touching another man, especially one who he knew had an interest in other men. He greeted Ezra a little curtly, and placed a discreet hand on Buck's thigh, squeezing for a moment.

"Hey," Buck grinned at him, "This mean Vin's back?"

Chris returned the smile, realising that Buck had released Ezra's hand the moment he had applied pressure to his thigh. The strong muscles bunched under his now relaxed hand.

"Yeah. He saw some guys he didn't know riding into town. Didn't appear to be trouble, but you never know."

"That's why he's taken so long?" Ezra asked.

"What's it to you how long he takes?" Chris asked, confused. The emotion turned to shock as the gambler blushed. If anyone had asked Chris, he'd have sworn Ezra didn't know how.

"I guess it was inevitable," Buck grinned at his friend.

"I know, but I want to keep it discreet. Chris...Vin and I...we..." Ezra trailed off, at a loss for words for perhaps the first time in his life.

"What the hell is he trying to say?" Chris asked Buck.

"Ezra and Vin are...involved. Somewhat similar to the way we are," Buck finished, not really seeing it as an untruth.

"Ezra and Vin? You know...that makes a lot of sense. You complement each other. I think you'll be good for him, Ezra. Have you talked about Tuscosa?"

"What is there to talk about? Vin can't prove his innocence until he finds the man who really committed those murders, and we can't be too public, except among ourselves, in case any gossip reaches the wrong ears."

"What gossip?" Vin asked as he walked through the door.

"About you and I. If the wrong people find out about us, it could be dangerous to you," Ezra replied.

"You mean because of the charges in Tuscosa?"

"That's the main part of the problem. Remember, Vin, people are not so accepting as the Indians would be of our relationship. If it became common knowledge, then someone who has a vested interest in the reward offered for your capture may hear of it, and realise who you are."

"Dammit, I knew we'd have to hide things, but I didn't even think of that. Maybe we should think about not going on with this, much as I'd hate to do that."

"Vin, I don't think that shouting is going to help much," Ezra was quiet but emphatic.

"I'm sorry. It's just...well, isn't that a surprise," Vin replied in a seeming non-sequitur, pointing out of the window he was facing.

"Isn't what a surprise?" Chris asked, turning to look. The sight that greeted him was of Josiah and Mary emerging from the newspaper office, arm-in-arm. He did not feel the slightest twinge of jealousy, he had long ago accepted that Mary and he were not meant to be, and any faint hopes that he might have carried of things working out were not strong enough to cause more than a memory of what might have been.

"Josiah and Mary? That's new," Ezra murmured, exchanging a conspiratorial smile with Buck.

"Yeah, I hadn't heard anything. I'd ask Nathan if Josiah told him anything, but he's gone to see Raine," Buck replied.

"I think he'll be good for her," Chris spoke at last, "Mary needs someone who can give her what I couldn't. Even before...the prison, I didn't think I could give her what she really needs. But, I'm a man, and she is a very beautiful woman, I couldn't help responding to her."

The group around the table had varying reactions to that speech. Buck nodded in agreement, he'd been half-tempted himself, but even then Chris's happiness had come first. Vin nodded, he'd thought Chris had gone a little too quickly forward then back for it to be real, and he suspected that Billy was the one he really had feelings for in that family. Ezra could appreciate Mary's beauty intellectually, but although he liked her, something that was rare for him with a woman, there had been so many who were a means to an end, he could never have thought of her in any other way, and now he had Vin there was no need to think of anyone else.

Josiah was aware of the eyes on them in the saloon, and he realised that Chris's black was one of the horses tied up in front. He thought that the fact that there was no black-clad thundercloud bearing down on was probably a good sign. He decided to go back to enjoying the feeling of Mary pressed close to him, just feeling the gentle swell of her breast and hip against his side. He felt a tingle of arousal go through his body, and began concentrating on the delights of Europe that he was telling Mary about, or he would embarrass both of them in the street.

She spoke to him when he paused briefly.

"Josiah, I'm not much of a cook, but I thought," she blushed, "You might prefer to be alone tonight? I'm not awful at roasting a chicken."

"Mary, we could eat Vin's jerky and I wouldn't notice if you were across the table," Josiah answered, honestly.

"Good," she smiled as they continued the walk to her home.

+ + + + + + +

Mary and Josiah talked comfortably as she prepared the meal, Josiah peeling potatoes as Mary prepared the chicken, seasoning it with a combination of herbs and onion.

As the meal cooked, Mary and Josiah continued to talk. They found that they had much more in common than they had ever realised, even sharing some acquaintances back East.

"Some wine?" Mary asked when the meal was almost ready.

"Please, let me get it. The sideboard?"

"Yes, thank you. The red is one that Stephen and I often shared...I'd like to share it with you."

"I'm honoured," Josiah smiled, finding glasses and pouring the rich red liquid into them.

"A toast," Mary suggested as she was handed her glass. "To the future, which seems so much brighter this evening than it did this morning."

Josiah clinked his glass with hers, acknowledging the sentiment of the toast.

As they ate, they talked of generalities.

"Billy is still at school?" Josiah asked.

"Yes, his vacation is not for a few weeks yet. I'm looking forward to seeing him. I miss him, but the school is the one that Stephen attended, and he loves it so much. He has Orin and Evie to come home to at weekends, but still...I wonder if it might not be best for him to come home to me. I feel like I'm depriving him of both parents this way."

"May I make a suggestion? I don't want to overstep my bounds, and I have no right to tell you what to do with your son."

"I think you do, Josiah," she whispered. "I think you might have every right. It will affect you, I hope."

"May I suggest that we take these few weeks to see what our relationship holds, and then we can decide what is best for Billy. I think that the few weeks will be enough to know where our relationship will be going, and then we can tell Billy and allow him to decide what he wants to do."

"That sounds wonderful. I think it will be much easier on Billy if he doesn't have to be here for the beginning of whatever this turns out to be, and, also, we will be able to be a little more...free to experience our beginning without having to be concerned about Billy."

Mary cleared the table, refusing Josiah's offer of help with a smile.

"It's nice to have someone to clean up after, strangely enough. Sometimes I wonder, will I only ever have myself and Billy to take care of. I'm hoping that will change, though. Would you like to sit in the living room? I can build a fire."

"Please, let me do that."

"All right, the wood is just outside the back door," she agreed.

Josiah brought a few logs and some kindling in, setting them in the fireplace, then striking the tinderbox to light the flames. It took him a couple of tries, the tinder being unfamiliar to him, but he soon had a fine blaze going, so warm that it forced him back to the couch.

As he settled on the couch, Mary came from the dining room, carrying the bottle of wine and glasses. Josiah poured more wine as she sat beside him.

Josiah handed Mary her glass, noticing the glow of her hair in the firelight was nearly golden.

"What?" she asked, noticing him watching her.

"Just...do you know how beautiful you look in the firelight?"

"I'm not beautiful. I'm a widow, not some lovely young girl like Casey Welles," Mary replied.

"Oh, and I suppose I am a young buck like JD? We are ourselves, no one else, Mary, and it is you who I care for...you who I might love."

"Love? Josiah, isn't it a little soon to be talking of love? I knew Stephen for so long before love was mentioned..."

"Mary...how long have we known each other?"

"A year? It's almost ten months since Orin hired you, and I guess it would be a couple of months before that that you came to town?"

"I fell in love with you the first moment I saw you. But you were still mourning your husband, and then there was Chris..."

"I don't think I'll ever know what happened with him." Mary sounded regretful.

"I...can't tell you. But I can tell you, it is something very significant, something that Chris will never get over."

"There truly was something? I honestly thought that maybe he was just trying to let me down gently. I suppose I should learn to take what the man says at face value."

"Maybe you should. But you should also know this. Chris was at the saloon tonight, when we passed by. I'm sure that if he didn't see us, Buck or Vin or Ezra would have, and would have pointed us out to him. He did not try to...lay a claim to you, and I think, if he had any hope of anything ever happening between you, he would have borne down upon us like a black thundercloud."

Mary laughed at the last, recognising the truth of it.

"You know, I don't think I regret it. Oh, there's a little feeling of what might have been, but that is truly all that I feel for Chris. I can now say that there is only one man I am thinking of a future with."

"He wouldn't happen to be a charming former priest would he?" Josiah asked, moving to take her into his arms.

"As a matter of fact, he would," Mary smiled as she leaned back into the warm embrace, tilting her face up to his for their first kiss. Josiah felt her full lips open under his, the depths of her mouth welcoming his tongue as he explored her warmth. As the kiss deepened, Josiah's hands began exploring Mary's body. As he stroked the flesh revealed by the neckline of her dress, she gasped, tightening her arms around him, then reaching to udno a few buttons on his shirt, exploring inside with her fingers. The kiss became as deep as it could become, Josiah becoming hard, dampness forming between Mary's legs, and finally they separated to breathe.

"Oh," she gasped, catching her breath with difficulty.

"Yes," Josiah agreed with the sentiment, moving back so she would not feel his growing arousal.

"I think...we just found out that we won't have any problems relating," she smiled.

"Probably not," Josiah agreed.

'But...Josiah, not tonight. It's all gone so fast, so well, but much faster than anything I've ever known. We can at least leave this for one night, don't you think?"

"You're right," he agreed, only grimacing a little as his trousers pulled tightly over his erection.

"So," Mary moved away a little, "I'd like to know a bit about what's been going on lately. I know you can't tell me about Chris, but there seems to be something going on."

"Where do I start?" Josiah smiled. "Let's see...you may not approve of this, and it is something I must ask you to keep to yourself. Vin and Ezra...they are...they have...they are involved with each other."

"What do you mean?" Mary was puzzled.

Josiah realised something. "I'm sorry. This may be something you have never heard of. Have you ever heard of two men, or two women, loving each other?"

Mary looked surprised, but not shocked. "Yes, I have. My uncle, my mother's brother, he was...involved with an actor. My uncle's name was Rodney St Clair, you may have heard of him?" Josiah nodded, the name was well known in the dramatic arts. "Rodney's partner, John Verlina, was a wonderful man, he and Rodney raised me from the time I was ten years old, after my mother died. They sent me to school four years later, I only ever saw them on vacations after that. And then...you know what happened."

Josiah nodded again, the carriage accident had reached the four corners of the world. "Was Mr Verlina in the carriage as well?"

"No, he wasn't. He is still working in the theatre. Aside from the Indians, theatrical people are the only other place that men who love men, and women who love women, can be themselves with some degree of openness, and even there it is more difficult. I still write to him, and when I can, go to see him. Orin and he were at school together, many years ago, and it was through him that I met Orin and Stephen. Are you saying that Vin and Ezra...you know, that doesn't surprise me. Vin was brought up with the Indians, and there's something about Ezra, the way he relates to women, I can't explain it exactly, but it's like a knowledge that he has absolutely no interest in women. Strange...I would have thought that you might have told me the same thing about Buck and Chris, if those looks Buck keeps giving Chris when Chris isn't looking are any indication."

Josiah chuckled, unable to prevent himself from imagining Buck's face if he ever heard Mary's remark. Then he asked, seriously, "Would you really think that about Chris?"

"Not so much Chris, although I'd like to think he might find someone, and I'm certain of how Buck feels. And my ego would probably feel slightly better if Chris found a man rather than another woman, to be completely honest. It probably won't happen, though."

"You never know," Josiah replied, enigmatically. "It's getting late," he added, looking at his watch, "I think I'd better head back to the saloon now."

"All right," she agreed, reluctantly.

"I could stay..."

"No, not tonight. I just want to enjoy the anticipation a little, you understand?"

"More than you know," he smiled, kissing her quickly, then leaving before either of them could have second thoughts.

His smile didn't falter the entire ride back to town.

Earlier that evening, Ezra had made plans. He had ordered a tub of water, to Vin's surprise, but when Vin had seen the size of the tub, the smile that slowly moved across his face showed his understanding of Ezra's thought processes.

"Oh, yeah," Vin sighed, imagining the feel of the warm water, and the slickness of his lover's skin next to his.

"It is a wonderful prospect, isn't it, Vin? I do so love the feel of warm water and my lover in my arms. Edward taught me that, among many other things. I'd like to show some of them to you tonight."

Vin was surprised, Ezra had seemed a little passive last night and this morning. Maybe the gambler had needed time to get used to the idea, and Vin did like the idea of his lover taking charge, so much so that he felt a stirring in his loins at the thought.

"I'd like that," Vin replied.

It hadn't taken long for the water to be brought up, Ezra paying extra for heated. "So as not to spoil the mood," he had said to Vin's raised eyebrow.

Vin had only just been able to wait for the young boy who had brought the water, the barkeep's son, to leave, before he began to undress Ezra, taking it slowly so as not to ruin any of Ezra's clothes, although a part of him longed to tear the fabric from the other man's body. He kissed, caressed or stroked each patch of skin as it was revealed to him, watching the initially pale skin flush with arousal under his ministrations.

Vin waited a moment as he finished undressing Ezra, dropping a kiss onto one shoulder, and the other man responded with similar actions, undressing Vin quickly, revealing his slim, muscular body to his liquid green gaze. Ezra trailed his long fingers over Vin's chest, pinching the nipples, causing moans of arousal from his partner. Vin managed to find his voice after a moment, "Ezra, we better not waste that hot water you paid for," standing at the side of the tub.

Ezra picked up a washcloth and soap, then sank into the warmth of the water. He pulled Vin down to join him, the tracker, a little off-balance, landed with a splash in the water. They both laughed a little, finding a comfortable position in the tub, Ezra holding Vin to his chest. They sat for a while, enjoying the water, and the feeling of closeness. Vin could feel Ezra against him, touching his entire body skin to skin. It was erotic, and comfortable at the same time, and he tingled at each movement of Ezra against him.

"This is nice," Ezra murmured into Vin's ear, nibbling at the lobe.

"Mmmhmmm..." was all that Vin was capable of saying in response.

Ezra smiled, his parter was in exactly the pliable state he needed him to be for what he had planned tonight. From what Vin had said, his relationship with Sundance had been very much a first love type of experience, mostly finding out how two men could be together. Although that had been part of his relationship with Edward, he had been with Edward for much longer than Vin had been with Sundance, and their sexual repertoire had extended far beyond the first gentle explorations Vin had talked to Ezra about. Ezra knew Vin would like the pleasures he had planned for him, but in this pliable state, it would be much easier to persuade him.

Ezra gently stroked his hands over Vin's stomach and chest, finding the nubs of his nipples and teasing them. Vin moaned, and as Ezra began to wash him gently, he began to quiver with arousal. The rough cloth played over his sensitised skin, drawing pleasure from the strangest places, and Vin almost leapt from the tub as Ezra cleaned his buttocks and allowed the cloth to linger between the cheeks. Ezra smiled at Vin's uninhibited reaction, and quickly cleaned himself, then pulled Vin from the tub, rubbing him down with the rough towel, giving himself the same quick treatment.

Vin smiled gently as Ezra picked him up when he had dried him, carrying him to the bed. "Ya should watch your back when you do this," Vin drawled languidly.

Ezra didn't answer, his mouth was far too busy kissing Vin's neck. Ezra continued for a few moments, and then he decided that the direct approach would be the easiest way to ask Vin about what he wanted to do with him tonight.

"Vin," Ezra pulled back from what he was doing, evading Vin's attempts to pull him back.

"What?" Vin asked once he realised that Ezra was determined to talk.

"Vin," Ezra said again. "There are some things that, while I don't find them necessary every time I make love, I like to use occasionally. If you think of making love as a meal, they are an extra spice that I like to have when I feel like it. I would like to share them with you."

Vin looked a little concerned. "What do ya mean, Ezra? I've heard of some things that people do...with chains and whips. I wouldn't wanna do that, even if it was with you."

"Oh, god, Vin, no, nothing like that. There are many things I would not wish to try, ever, with you or anyone else. These are more enhancements to what we have already done together than productions on their own. What I would like to do tonight, if you will let me, is to tie you to the bed."

Vin began to laugh.

"What?" Ezra asked.

"I'm sorry," Vin chuckled as he got himself back under control, "I had all kindsa things runnin' though my head, and all ya wanna do is tie me down. Never done it before, but I reckon I'd like to try it with you."

"Good," Ezra kissed Vin, then reached into the small bedstand, withdrawing four squares of white silk.

Vin lay on his back, and at Ezra's murmured request, spread his legs and arms so Ezra could tie the scarves around his wrists and ankles. Ezra then tied the scarves to the posts of the bed, kissing various places on Vin's body as he did so. As he tied Vin's left hand to the top of the bed, he kissed his way gently from Vin's wrist to his armpit, nuzzling the soft hair there. At Vin's gasp, Ezra pulled back, walking across the room to the dressing table, searching in the drawers for a small bottle of oil. As he turned to walk back to Vin, Ezra stopped for a moment, startled into motionlessness by the picture his lover made, spreadeagled on the bed, the white scarves contrasting with his tanned skin and brown hair.

"What?" Vin asked.

"I just realised how beautiful you are, Vin. How did I ever get so lucky as to have you look twice at me?"

Ezra was delighted at the blush that spread over Vin's tanned skin, from his ankles to his face his entire body became flushed, an even more delightful contrast with the whiteness of the ties. The blush darkened as Ezra stared more deeply into Vin's eyes. The utter trust and surrender in the blue orbs was what Ezra had been looking for, if he hadn't found them he would have untied Vin instantly, he would never abuse that trust in a lover, not after his own had been so cruelly abused through his life. Ezra shook off the dark thoughts, now was a time for pleasure.

Vin leaned up for a kiss as Ezra lay down beside him. He couldn't reach Ezra with his hands, so he contented himself with rubbing any part of him that could move against Ezra, until the gambler moved just out of his reach.

"It's a little frustrating, isn't it, Vin?" Ezra murmured, low and needful, "You want to touch me, but you can't. But, it's a pleasure in itself, the anticipation of not knowing where I'll touch next," and Ezra proved those whispered words by placing a kiss on Vin's stomach, then his shoulder, his fingertips, his toes and everywhere he could think of. Vin was moaning with pleasure from the first touch, and Ezra loved how beautiful Vin was in his pleasure.

Ezra kissed his way down Vin's body, finally taking Vin's hard, leaking erection into his mouth.

Vin thrust into Ezra's mouth, loving the feel of the other man's mouth on him, and he began writhing with pleasure as Ezra gently breached his opening with a slick finger.

Ezra slowly drew his lips up over Vin's hardness, stroking with his lips and tongue, then moved to his swollen balls, feeling the movement inside the sacs as his tongue bathed them. Then his mouth moved lower, finding the puckered skin leading to Vin's most secret place, and he moved over it, licking gently, then more insistently as Vin pushed against him. With a hand replacing his mouth on Vin's hardness, and his tongue exploring inside, Ezra brought Vin to orgasm, Vin screaming his name.

Ezra chuckled softly as he untied Vin, who had passed out.

"What happened?" Vin murmured as he woke.

"Sometimes, when things get a little...intense, it can make you pass out," Ezra couldn't help a smile.

"Good for your ego, hmmmm?" Vin grinned lazily.

"Something like that."

Vin looked at Ezra and realised.

"You haven't...what do you want?"

"What do you want, Vin?"

"I'd love to feel ya in me, but I have to ride tomorrow, and..."

"Another time," Ezra promised, kissing him.

"Well?"

"Whatever you want, Vin."

"You might regret that," Vin smiled ferally at Ezra, then pounced on him. After the initial shock, Ezra laughed, enjoying the playfulness of his lover. Vin kissed Ezra deeply, then ran a hand down his chest, stopping for a moment to play with the curls and tease his nipples to hardness, then moved the hand further down Ezra's body, finding the hot, hard flesh of his need. Ezra was so ready, it took only a couple of strokes of Vin's fingers to bring him off, his climax flowing through Vin's busy fingers.

Vin brought his slick fingers to his mouth, and Ezra moaned at the sight of Vin's pink tongue licking the white liquid from the fingers that had just pleasured him so beautifully.

"Damn, I love you," Ezra said, not realising that he'd spoken aloud until he saw the smile on Vin's face.

"I do," Ezra said, wonderingly.

"That's good," Vin whispered, "I love you too, and I told ya you'd say it when ya knew it."

"Are you always right?" Ezra asked.

"Only about some things," Vin whispered, holding Ezra close to him.

"Please don't leave, Vin."

"I won't. I won't ever leave if I can help it, Ezra."

"But that's it, isn't it? You may not be able to help it."

"I wanna find the man who really killed those people in Tascosa. And I might have to leave ya to do that. But if I can, I will always come back, Ezra. I promise," Vin vowed fervently.

"I make you the same promise," Ezra said to him, "Vin, you are mine now, and I will not willingly leave you."

Vin didn't reply, he just held tighter to Ezra, wondering what the next days or weeks would bring them both.

Neither man could know that fate was about to make some decisions that were out of their hands.

+ + + + + + +

After eating with Chris, Buck returned to his room while Chris did one more patrol of the town before coming back to spend another night with Buck.

Buck had decided that the only thing he could do was to ask Chris if he was ready to consider penetration from him. He could truly be happy with what they now shared, but he wanted Chris to know the pleasure of being taken as much as he had wanted to show him the pleasure of taking another. And there was the purely selfish motive of wanting to be inside Chris, he could not lie to himself and say that there was no part of that in his thought processes, but he could live without ever knowing that pleasure if it was what Chris decided for himself.

Buck knew there was no way he was going to be able to finish the conversation without a couple of drinks, although he could not take more than a couple in case his nerves got the better of him and the whiskey left his body far more quickly than it entered it. Buck half-smiled at the memory of one of his early sexual encounters that had ended that way. That had been the last time he'd taken Priscilla's advice about how to calm his nerves...well, except for the backrub she had offered him after he had recovered from throwing up the liquor. One thing had led to another in the most delightful way, and Buck sighed for a moment, remembering more innocent days.

"What was that about?" a voice asked from the doorway.

Buck smiled at Chris, "Just a memory, a good one. Like I hope tonight will be. Want a drink?"

Chris poured two glasses, handing one to Buck, raising his in a silent toast. Buck swallowed the first drink quickly, and poured a second, sipping more slowly.

"Buck, something a bit, well, unusual, I guess is the word for it, happened to me today."

"What was it?"

"Well, I guess it was two things, really. The first was, when I came into the saloon, when I saw you holding Ezra's hand, this really weird feeling came over me. I...didn't like you holding Ezra's hand, because I know that he likes men, like you do. I was...jealous. But I don't understand why."

Buck thought about it, and came up with a solution. It couldn't possibly be what he would like it to be, of course.

"Well, Chris, I am, in a way, committed to you. I don't know how long it will last, but I am here for as long as you need me. And you aren't anywhere near ready for me to find someone else, or to find someone else yourself. It wasn't jealousy of me and Ezra, so much as it was jealousy of my leaving you right now. I know it sounds kind of weird, but your reaction was totally understandable."

"Yeah, and it did go away really fast," Chris replied, not remembering that the feeling had only dissipated completely when he had been told about Vin and Ezra.

"What was the other thing that happened?" Buck asked, not wanting to dwell too much on Chris's jealousy, and what he hoped it meant. He couldn't allow himself to think too much about that, it would only make it more difficult when Chris found someone else, if that were possible.

"Well, I hadn't even acknowledged this to myself, but for a while, even though I had ended things, at least to myself, I had held out some hope that maybe Mary and I could work something out. But seeing her with Josiah today, all I felt was a kind of...wistful memory of what could have been. I know now that I am truly over any feelings I might have had for Mary beyond friendship, and I want her to be happy with Josiah."

"What about you, Chris?" Buck asked.

"Me? I'll go on with my life, keep acting as the law. Anyway, that's a conversation for tomorrow, or another day. What are we going to do tonight, Bucklin?" Chris asked, using the full name few people called Buck.

It was now or never. "Chris, I'd like to take you. If you aren't ready, I'll understand, but I'd really like to try. I would be fine just doing what we've done so far, but I do want you, Chris, I have for a long time."

Chris thought for a moment. He was scared, but not of Buck. His only fear was from the memory, and maybe finding that the act could be good would help to banish those fears. And he knew Buck would never hurt him, if Chris needed him to stop, he would. Slowly, Chris nodded.

"Buck, I know you'll never hurt me, and I know you'll take it slow."

"Always. If you need me to, I'll stop, any time. Just ask. This is supposed to be good for you, remember?"

"For both of us, not just me," Chris replied.

"Yeah, but I know, at least with other people, how good it feels."

"Well," Chris grinned, "Judgin' from your reaction last night, I think it must feel pretty damn good. And I know it felt really good for me."

"This isn't any kind of obligation, is it, Chris?" Buck asked, looking into his lover's eyes. "Remember, I'm not about to force you into anything."

"I think...I want to know what it's like. I mean, what we shared, it was about as far from what that animal did to me as I can imagine. If I hadn't shared it with you, I couldn't even think about it, but I did. Now, how about we stop this tonguewaggin' before the sun comes up?"

"Okay," Buck agreed, kissing him deeply. He put all of his feelings into it, the love and the passion, even a little of the sadness he felt knowing that this was not meant to be forever. Chris responded passionately.

Buck kissed and nipped his way over Chris's chest, spending time making sure Chris's nipples were taut peaks. He'd noticed in both of their previous encounters how sensitive Chris was there, and he knew that if Chris was feeling good, it would help his relaxation. Buck kissed his way over Chris's taut stomach muscles, then decided to stop for a moment at the indentation of Chris's navel.

Chris gasped, and tried to keep from giggling at the ticklish sensation of Buck's tongue in his navel, especially with Buck's mustache tickling his skin as well, for it was also intensely erotic.

Buck didn't hurry. He needed to take this slowly, and he didn't want to rush Chris in any way. He slowly kissed his way to the patch of blonde silk surrounding the heart of Chris's desire, then took the leaking shaft into his mouth. As he worked his mouth and tongue over the hot, hard flesh, he began to explore the secret place between Chris's cheeks with a finger. Chris tensed as the finger began stroking over the puckered skin, but after a moment, when Buck didn't do any more, just kept up the gentle stroking, Chris relaxed again. He didn't tense up when Buck slipped the tip of his finger inside him, or as Buck explored more deeply with the finger. He moaned in protest as the finger was removed, although Buck kept sucking on him, and sighed as the finger moved back inside him, this time coated with something that felt a little different to the oil from last night. Chris almost screamed and came halfway off the bed as the searching finger found the small round swelling inside of him.

Buck pulled back for a moment and smiled at him.

"I guess I...oooohhhhh....have one too," Chris gasped out.

"I guess," Buck smiled before descending on him again. He was just establishing a rhythm when Chris pulled on his hair. Not wanting to do anything Chris didn't want, he pulled back, looking into Chris's eyes. He saw no fear or apprehension, only desire and something else, something he would not let himself think was anything more than affection.

"What?" Buck finally asked.

"I want you to do it, Buck. I want you inside me. Now, please," Chris moaned, jerking as Buck's fingers brushed over his sensitive spot again.

"Never let it be said that I denied my partner's wishes," Buck smiled, probing with a second, then, briefly, a third finger, adding more of the lubricating lotion he had been shown by his first male lover, many years before.

He made to turn Chris over, knowing that it would be easier for the less-experienced man, but at a noise of protest, he stopped.

"It's easier..." Buck murmured, stopping as he saw the look in the pale blue eyes below him.

"Not for me. Too much like...then. Buck, I need to see you, to know it's you. I want this, so much, but not like that."

"Okay," Buck kissed Chris once more, and lay him on his back, putting a couple of pillows underneath him. Buck moved into position, and slowly entered Chris. He stopped every couple of inches, but was soon buried deep inside Chris. He stopped for a moment as soon as he realised, wanting to feel the connection that he had dreamt of for so long, but Chris's movements did not allow him to stay still for long. He began moving in and out of Chris, slowly at first, but as he found the swelling inside of Chris, Chris's movements increased, and so did his. It didn't take long, both men had been close to the edge, and soon Chris released a flood of white fluid over both of them, and a moment later, Buck exploded inside him with a shout. Buck collapsed onto Chris, and for a moment they lay together, enjoying the aftermath of their coupling.

"Okay?" Buck murmured.

"Yeah," Chris sighed, snuggling close to him. Buck half-smiled at that, if some of the desperadoes out there could see Chris Larabee snuggling close to another man like this, they'd be a hell of a lot less scared of him. But all Buck knew was that for now, he held the man he loved more than life, and he was going to enjoy it. For as long as it lasted. He smiled as he realised that the even breathing meant that Chris had, once more, fallen asleep in his arms. As had been the case on the previous two nights, and it still shocked Buck to think that things had changed so completely in such a short time, Chris had a grip on him that he would have to be woken to break. Buck gently kissed Chris, and whispered the words he had said so many nights to himself, "I love you, Chris," before following his lover into sleep.

Josiah was woken by a soft knock on the church door about half an hour after he had turned off his lamp and drifted to sleep.

"Who could that be?" he wondered as he pulled on a pair of trousers and a shirt.

He was shocked to find Mary at the door.

"Mary?"

"Josiah, I started thinking when you left. Who knows what's going to happen tomorrow? I never thought Rodney was leaving me for the last time when the carriage accident happened, or Stephen, when he was killed. You could be killed tomorrow, so could I. We don't know. And if it did, God forbid, I would regret not being with you more than I would regret taking things a little too quickly. I want to stay with you tonight, Josiah. I want to make love with you."

Josiah smiled. "I"m not going to say no to that," he replied, standing back to let her in.

"Josiah, I just thought...is it wrong for us to be together here? Should we go back to my house?"

"No. Not as we are going to be together. It would be very wrong of me to bring a woman I...paid here, or someone who I am only going to share one night with, but not someone I am committed to, someone I love. Of course, we will be married in God's eyes, and if you aren't ready for that yet, maybe we should go somewhere else."

"Josiah, I was ready to commit to you the moment I got into the buggy to come here."

"Well, then, it is not wrong," Josiah closed the door behind them. He went a little ahead of Mary, lighting candles and a lamp so they could see each other.

"There's one thing I have to do, before we go any further," Josiah mused, looking into Mary's eyes.

"What?" she asked, eyes widening as his hands moved to her head, tilting her lips to him in anticipation of a kiss, and surprised as his hands moved over her hair, removing the pins from her chignon, allowing her silky hair to fall over his hands. She sighed as he ran his hands though the blonde silk, and his lips finally reached for hers.

"I never saw you with your hair down," he explained as they separated.

Mary smiled at him, and began unbuttoning the shirt he'd thrown on so hastily. He was working on the buttons of her dress at the same time, and the top slipped down to her waist a moment after she had pulled the shirt from his arms. She turned, and Josiah continued unbuttoning the skirt. He then removed her petticoat, and began unlacing the corset that was beneath that. He kissed the soft skin of her back as the corset separated, and she moaned at the contact.

Before removing the last layer, Mary unbuttoned the trousers Josiah wore, and the top of the long underwear he slept in. She kissed his flesh as it was revealed to her gaze, feeling the hair on his chest prickle her cheek as she lay her head there for a moment, then began kissing him again, finding the nipples hidden by the curls on his chest. She then kissed her way down his large, strong arms, ending at his fingers.

She then stood in front of him, finally removing the last layers of clothing. His gaze travelled over high, firm breasts, tipped with rosy nipples, over the flat plane of her stomach, to the triangle of blonde curls, glistening with dampness, over long, slim legs.

"Mary...you are more beautiful than I ever dreamed," Josiah murmured, and smiled at the flush that travelled over her pale skin.

"Do I get to see you?" she asked, moving to help him out of the long underwear.

"I...I"m not..." Mary shushed him by placing a finger over his lips.

"Josiah, you are one of the most beautiful men I have ever seen. Not only on the outside, which you are, but inside, where it really matters. Now, please let me see you."

Josiah stepped back, removing the last layer of fabric. She looked at the broad, powerful chest she had so recently kissed, the nubs of his nipples visible among the curls of hair, the arrow of hair that pointed to the large erection, the long, strong legs, and felt a wave of desire move through her body, hardening her nipples and making her feel wetter than before.

They kissed again, and Josiah lifted Mary into his arms. She laughed and clutched at his neck, allowing him to deposit her on the bed. She noticed it was still warm from his body, and then he was kissing her again, and her thought processes stopped. She kissed back, her tongue mating with his, and she protested briefly when his lips left hers, travelling over her neck and shoulder, but as he took a breast into his mouth, teasing the nipple with his tongue, the protest became a moan of pleasure. Josiah kissed his way over the valley between Mary's breasts, taking the other in his mouth, sucking the nipple to hardness.

Then Mary decided to return some of the attention she had been enjoying, and with a few gentle nudges, moved Josiah onto his back, kissing his neck and shoulders. She trailed kisses over the broad chest, finding the nubs she had found so intriguing to look at earlier and sucking and licking them into erection with her tongue. Josiah gasped as she began kissing her way down his stomach, taking a moment to dip into the indentation of his navel with her tongue. She continued down his body, kissing the patch of brown curls, then reaching to hold his hardness in her hands. She couldn't suppress a gasp at the size, he was larger than Stephen had been, but not so much as he might have been, and she didn't think he would hurt her.

"Are you all right?" he managed to ask at the gasp.

"Just fine," she replied, before bending her head to lick at the fluid seeping from the column of flesh in front of her. Josiah shuddered, feeling the wetness of her tongue ignite fires of desire that threatened to consume him.

"Mary..." he managed to say, fighting the urge to thrust into her mouth.

She pulled back, and realised as she saw his flushed features that she had taken him a little further than he wanted to go.

"I'm sorry....Josiah, I just couldn't help it..."

"Don't you dare apologise," he replied, kissing her once more, "I...it's just been a while, and I want to be inside you the first time."

"How can I refuse that?"

"I hope you can't," he smiled, his hand gently caressing her breast, then moving lower, tracing the gentle swell of her stomach, then further, feeling the dampness of the curls, then finding the hard little button of flesh that caused her to jerk her hips forward, trembling with desire. He kept the pressure up with his thumb, moving a finger down to explore the dampness that was gushing from her centre due to his ministrations.

He stretched her, gently, making her ready for him, as he continued the manipulation of her clitoris. She grasped his shoulder and arched, climaxing in his hand as the strokes of his thumb pulled her over the edge.

Josiah held her as she shook through the last tremors, and as he gently removed his hand from her, he brought his fingers to his mouth, tasting the sweetness of her juices.

"Josiah..." she murmured, kissing him again.

"You feel so wonderful," he said to her.

"So do you," she smiled, "And there's one more thing I want. Josiah, please make love to me."

He kissed her again, and gently stretched her, knowing that she would need to be as open as possible. He was surprised when she straddled his waist, but the feel of her wetness on his stomach was intensely erotic, as were the kisses she gave him while leaning over him. She reached behind herself and grasped his erection, then, slowly, with great care, she lowered herself onto him. She began moving, slowly at first, and as his thrusts increased, so did her movements. He latched onto a breast with his mouth, held her hip with one hand, and stroked her clitoris with the other, bringing both of them closer to climax. He burst deep within her a moment before her body began to shake with a second climax, and they shuddered through the aftershocks together, Mary collapsing on his chest as he slipped out of her at the end.

"So...there's just one thing to ask," Josiah murmured as they made themselves more comfortable.

"What?"

"Will you marry me? Pending Billy's approval, of course."

Mary just looked at him, half-shocked, half-ecstatic.

"Well?"

"I don't know what to say."

"Yes is usually a good place to start..."

"Josiah...yes. Yes, I will marry you. I know this has all happened suddenly, but like I said, who knows what's going to happen tomorrow? Of course, if Billy truly hates the idea..."

"I don't think he will. We got along really well when he was here for his school holiday. I know we didn't spend a lot of time together, but that's okay. We'll have a long time to get to know each other."

"I love you," she said, "I know I didn't say it before, but I do. I wouldn't have said yes if I didn't, of course, but I wanted to say it."

"I'm glad. I love you, too, but I did need to hear it, to know."

"Oh," she yawned.

"It's kind of late," Josiah grinned, looking at his watch.

"Should I leave?"

"Only if you want to."

"Then I won't. I'd like to wake up in your arms."

"That sounds wonderful,' he smiled, wrapping her arms around her after blowing out the lamp, the candles having guttered out earlier.

The darkness soon claimed them, and Josiah dreamed that night of the black crows, the dream he had not dreamed in a long time.

He knew what they signified, death, and all he could do was to pray that it would not be one of his family.

+ + + + + + +

Vin and Ezra were talking intently the next morning as Josiah and Mary arrived at the saloon for breakfast.

"What is going on?" Josiah asked, as he and Mary were served with coffee and pancakes.

"There was a...gentleman in the saloon last night who was...boasting about the people he had killed. One of them was a fire at a farm. Said that he got a woman and a little boy, but that's not who they were after. They were after a man who was staying there, not even the husband," Ezra replied.

"But that sounds like..." Mary couldn't continue.

"Sounds like Sarah and Adam, Chris's family. And if it was, it would mean they were after Buck, not Chris."

"What should we do, Vin?" Josiah asked the man who had just put everyone's fears into words.

"Tell Buck and Chris, although they'll get it into their heads to go after him and probably end up gettin' killed. It might not even be the same guy."

"But if it is, we could be sending them into something they cannot cope with," Ezra replied.

"We've all been in fights with Buck and Chris," Vin pointed out, "I don't think they'll be able to handle it any better if we tell them. But maybe we oughtta tell them. If we don't, Chris might let him go, and we don't want that ta happen."

"Morning," Chris and Buck came down together, tipping their hats when they realised Mary was there, and smiling as they realised how close she was sitting to Josiah.

Vin let them eat, then in a few words told them of the man Ezra had spoken to the previous night. After getting Ezra's version, to Vin's amusement he did use five words for every one of Vin's, Chris wanted to wake every guest in the hotel and boarding house, and only the logical statement from Ezra that it would warn the man they were after if he wasn't the first or second person they found stopped him.

"What can we do, then?"

"My skills once more come in useful," Ezra replied. "I shall simply have the word spread in town that I am in deep play here, today, and that I am losing. The gentleman was a very good opponent, and he will certainly come here if he hears that I am losing that which I won from him last night. As he did not see Mr Tanner and I near each other, we will be able to set up a game of pretense, one that I will be able to pretend to lose."

Smiles were exchanged, although the gambler was uncommonly lucky when it came to games of chance. It was not possible for it all to be due to cheating.

"And then I get to talk to him, and, if it's him, I can shoot him," Chris replied, a hard, blank stare on his face.

Buck knew that look. He'd seen it twice before, after Sarah and Adam's deaths, and, briefly, on the night Chris had told him of his ordeal. It wasn't something he wanted to see again.

"Well," Buck said aloud, "I have a patrol. I'll be back in an hour."

"Be careful," Chris was unable to keep from saying.

"I will," Buck promised the table.

"Want me to come with ya?" Vin asked.

"No, you get the game going. I'll be fine," and Buck was out the door before anyone could say anything else.

"I'm worried about him," Chris said, unguardedly.

"Why?" Mary asked, unable to resist.

"Er..." Chris was at a loss for words, for once in his life, and he could clearly see that none of the others were about to help him.

"Yeah, Chris, why?" Vin teased.

"Oh, hell, I never meant for Mary to find out like this. If at all. Mary..." Chris faltered as he tried to find words.

Mary finally took pity on him, and much to the surprise of Vin and Ezra, took Chris aside. Josiah gave them a quick explanation.

"It's okay, Chris," Mary began. "I was raised from the time I was ten years old by two men in a loving, committed relationship. I know Buck and you are...together. I don't know any more than that, and it's not really my place to ask you about it, but if you ever want to talk about it, I am here."

"Well, Mary, it's not exactly a loving relationship, although I do care about Buck, and he cares about me. He's helping me get over something that I pray you never have to find out about, please don't ask me to tell you more than that it was the most awful experience I have had in my life, except of course for Sarah and Adam's deaths. He has been... wonderful. I never thought I could be with anyone else...until very recently."

"I'm glad. And Chris...I know now that it could never have worked between us. If we'd ever tried to be more than friends, we might have ended up trapped in a marriage neither of us was ready for. I suppose you knew better than I did, as you were the one who held back more."

"That wasn't entirely by choice. I suspect that Josiah is something to do with your newfound knowledge?"

Mary's face lit up, and Chris loved seeing the light in her eyes, perhaps more so knowing that someone else was responsible for it.

"I love him, Chris. It has been so sudden, for me, but I do. In every way, we are so compatible, and I know Billy likes him. That may be a bit awkward at first, but I'm sure we'll cope."

"I'm sure you will," Chris replied, "I'm happy for you both."

"Thank you, Chris," she whispered, leaning up to kiss his cheek.

He smiled as she stepped back, and walked back to Josiah. Chris looked toward the door as it opened, and was relieved to see Nathan, who mentioned that JD was at the sheriff's office. Nathan was a good man to have near in a fight, not only for his medical skills. He blushed a little when asked how Raine was, and skilfully deflected the teasing by asking why Mary was sitting so close to Josiah almost falling off his chair at the announcement.

"You didn't know?" Vin asked.

"No, I didn't. So it was Mrs Travis?" Nathan asked Josiah.

The big man nodded.

"It's not something I would have seen, but it seems...right. I'm very happy for you," Nathan smiled.

The atmosphere in the saloon became tense as the game between Vin and Ezra heated up, but no strangers appeared to watch or play.

Buck rode back into town as quickly as he could after completing his patrol, and as he rode past the sheriff's office, waving to JD, he sensed some movement out of the corner of his eye. It was...there! On one of the rooftops. Without thinking twice, he pulled his gun, aiming it at the phantom he'd seen. The shot rang out, but nothing happened. Buck didn't put the gun away, he rode, slowly, holding it loosely in his hand, so he could shoot it quickly.

It wasn't quick enough.

Later, in his account, JD would remember Buck aiming, then falling from his horse, the bloodstain blooming on his shirt. JD then aimed and shot the gunman on the roof, and was almost shot himself by another gunman.

Chris was there by then, as were the others, Mary staying in the saloon under protest, Chris shooting the man who had aimed at JD. Chris then went to Buck, and said the words no one had ever expected to hear him say.

"Buck, you are not going to die on me now. You can't leave me when I just realised how much I love you."

Buck, almost unconscious, replied, faintly, "Took ya long enough to figure it out, cowboy. I've loved you for a long time...I'll try not to leave..." and he slipped into unconsciousness, leaving Chris to ponder the words. But he couldn't, not yet.

"Okay, you bastard," Chris went to the man JD had shot, who was coughing up blood. He wasn't going to last much longer, "Tell me why you killed my wife and son!"

"Didn't...mean...to... Was...after...Wilmington.... Put...my... brother... away... Robert...Draper... Died...in...there... Guess...I'll...be...with...him...soon..."

"You are damn lucky you are about to meet your maker. Because if you cost me one more person I love, you would have been dead anyway. And damned if I won't figure out a way to do somethin' to ya if Buck does die. I hope you rot where you deserve to for eternity," and Chris left the man in disgust, not able to articulate his feelings. He'd always thought that Sarah and Adam's deaths had been due to his past, and although he didn't blame Buck one bit for their deaths, it was still a burden removed for Chris, a small one. Now he could live for the future, not the past. As long as Buck was okay...Chris noticed that Buck had been taken into Nathan's clinic, and moved in that direction, till he heard his name shouted.

"Chris!" Josiah called again, he was leaning over the man Chris had shot, and Vin was standing over him too, clutching at Ezra.

"What?" he asked, his mind in Nathan's clinic, on Buck. Until he saw Vin's face.

"Chris, I gotta have another witness. Josiah can be one, but Ezra can't, because...well, you know. This man...his name is Eli Joe..." Vin didn't need to say any more.

"Say it," Chris said to the dying man.

"The...murder...Tanner...accused...of... I ...did...it... Dying...so...no...need...to...lie...."

That's enough," Chris said. "With your and Josiah's word, it'll be more than enough to get the charges dropped in Texas. Vin...you're free, but I wouldn't start advertisin' your presence just yet, till I can talk to Judge Travis and get him to talk to the Texas judge."

"Thanks, Chris. It's enough for now that I don't have to worry about lookin' over my shoulder for that piece of trash, or someone he's sent to make sure I get get what he wanted to come to me. I guess dyin' can even make the likes of him wantin' to make things right."

Vin looked like he was about to collapse, and Ezra, after a word with Chris, took him back to his room to rest. The day had been one hell of an emotional ride for all of them, and Chris still had some isssues that he needed to deal with.

Josiah went badk to check on Mary and wire Orin Travis, JD offered to stay with Chris, but Chris asked him to look after the town, knowing that he was not likely to be doing that for a while...maybe not ever again if things turned out bad.

Chris sat on a hard chair in the waiting area of the clinic for hours. He stopped looking at his watch when it became dark, eating food that Vin proffered, but he could not recall what it was once he had swallowed it.

Much, much later, Nathan came out. He'd changed clothes, thanks to JD, and not wanting Chris to see how much blood was on the clothes he'd worked on Buck in.

Chris looked up, not able to speak. He couldn't tell from Nathan's expression what the outcome had been.

"He'll be all right," the healer whispered in a weary, husky tone. "It took a long time, and I wasn't sure a time or two, but I got the bullet out, and there's no sign of infection. Seems the shooter cleaned his gun regular."

"Can I see him? Will he know I'm there?"

"Just for a minute. He won't go to sleep till he sees you. He says he has something he has to say to you, and it's better that he does than lie awake all night fretting about it."

"Thanks, Nathan," Chris clasped his shoulder as he went through the door.

Buck didn't look so bad, Chris decided, once you got past the huge bandage on his shoulder and his starkly white face. He was still beautiful, though, Chris thought.

"Buck," he whispered, not wanting to startle the man he now knew he loved. There was an overwhelming sense of rightness to that.

"Chris...need to talk to you."

"That's what Nathan said. I want you do to this as quick as you can so you can get that sleep Nathan says you need real bad. Can't this wait till you're back on your feet? I love you, you love me, isn't that all we need to know for now?"

"You say that so...calmly. Why? I always thought if I ever told you that you'd...I don't know, hit me or something."

"I might have...once," Chris replied honestly. "If I'd had no idea how I'd feel. But now...there's no question, no doubt. When I saw you fall off that horse...God, I think my heart stopped for a minute. I think if you'd died, there's no way I could have gone on. That's when I knew."

Buck laughed, briefly, grimacing in pain. "Never thought I'd be grateful to the sonofabitch who killed Sarah...Chris I'm sorry..."

"You couldn't have known. It wasn't your fault. Just rotten luck that he set the place on fire, that's all. Hell, if we hadn't stayed that extra night in Mexico, we'd have died too. And although there's a part of me that wishes I had, I'm glad I'm here, now, with you."

"Chris...you know when I said I've loved you for a long time? It's a really long time. Before Sarah...I couldn't tell you. Hell, I couldn't tell you when we were making love. I've only ever been able to tell you in dreams...and when you were asleep."

"I'm glad I know now. You know, I'm a pretty lucky guy. I fall in love, and it's one of the most beautiful people I've ever met, and it's my best friend to boot. You know, I'll bet Sarah's up there in heaven, looking down on us and smiling. She knows that it's right, just like I do."

"You'll have me blushin' soon," Buck whispered.

"Think I'll leave that until I can see it go all the way down," Chris teased. "Now, get some sleep, okay? I'll be here in the morning," and he kissed Buck, gently.

"Love you," Buck whispered as Chris walked to the door.

"Love you too," Chris replied as he closed it.

Buck allowed sleep to claim him, knowing that Chris knew it all and was not going to leave him. He'd wondered, irrationally, if Chris would see his not saying anything as some kind of deception, and he had refused to sleep before seeing Chris. But now he could let himself heal, knowing he had more to live for than he had ever dared let himself hope for.

The End