Figuring it Out

Things had been going too smoothly to last, Vin reflected as he rode along behind Buck and the prisoner they had been asked to escort to his trial in Blue Water, a town four days' ride to and from Four Corners. He and Chris had been together for four weeks, the happiest time of Vin's life, and one that Vin had been hesitant to change. Vin had told himself, for the most part truthfully, that there had really been no opportunity to sound Buck out on the big man's true feelings, although Vin knew that if he had wanted to speed things along, he could have found a way. No, being completely honest with himself, Vin admitted that he had wanted Chris to himself for just a little longer. He had no idea how things would play out, but just in case he had been misguided by what his spirit guide had shown him (there was no wrong or right interpretation of what she had shown him, just what he could figure out from what she had shown him) he wanted to have as much time as he could with Chris.

And, Vin also admitted, he also wasn't quite sure how to go about approaching Buck. He did not want to bring up the possibility of a relationship between the three of them until he found out whether Buck could want him, and not only because it was the only way that Buck could have Chris. Vin did not want Chris that way, either, to accept Buck only because not to do so would mean losing Chris.

Vin had come to realise during the last few weeks, though, that he genuinely liked Buck, and that he didn't want to hurt him, either. Vin even suspected that he might feel more for the big gunslinger, but that his feelings for Chris were too new to truly know yet, and liking and caring were more than enough for Vin to take the next step, if he could figure out what that was.

He knew it wouldn't be happening on the trip out. There was no way that he could get Buck, or himself for that matter, to forget the other man with them for long enough to even have a stray thought about being together.

No, it would have to wait for the trip back to Four Corners. That gave Vin four days to think about things. Or four days before he completely destroyed everything that he had in life.

Four days later, they rode into the town of Blue Water. It had been, in different ways, an agonising journey for both Vin and Buck. The prisoner was delivered to the sheriff, and Vin and Buck were at a loose end. They had warned Chris that they might take a couple of days in Blue Water if they didn't feel that they could just get back on their horses and ride after the four days, and Vin had leapt at the suggestion (although Buck would never know it) of one night in the hotel in Blue Water before facing the trip once more. Vin admitted to himself that it was, at least in part, a chance to have one more night of considering what to say to Buck, because he knew that he would not have another chance like this one for a long time, as Chris tried to keep him in Four Corners as much as possible, or to send him out to the isolated ranches and farms, to minimise the possibility of his being recognised and jailed for the false charges he was wanted under in Texas.

For a few moments, Vin felt a sense of peace. That sense of peace was abruptly shattered by a few simple words from the desk clerk of the hotel explaining that there was only one room available. But, the clerk, added, there were two beds. Vin was half-relieved, but he still felt that he was being tested more than a man should be. If he had only known, Buck was feeling the same way.

After a rather good meal in the hotel dining room, and several glasses of whiskey in the saloon, Vin thought that he could retire, and if he went up first, he might be asleep before Buck came to the room, judging from Buck's leisurely pursuit of one of the working girls. Vin didn't even notice that the girl Buck was half-heartedly coming on to had shoulder-length brown hair and ice-blue eyes as he paid the barkeep and mentioned to Buck that he was too tired to drink any more. Buck gave him a grin, and went back to charming the girl on his arm.

Vin decided to order a warm bath before bed, it would be another four days of trail dust unless he and Buck found a convenient river on the way back, to wash off if he didn't. And there was a small part of him that thought that maybe cleaning up a little would make him a more attractive proposition, if he ever got up the nerve to make one to Buck.

Vin sighed, lying back in the steaming water, running the rough washcloth over himself. Life sure did manage to get complicated, he thought. It would be so easy if it could be just he and Chris. Oh, not easy, not like it really could be with a woman, following all the rituals of courtship and eventually marriage, but simpler. Much simpler. Still, Vin suspected that no matter how complicated things might get, if they got through it all, life with Buck would never be boring.

Vin rose from the tub, dried himself with a soft towel, and pulled on his sleeping shirt. As he climbed into bed, he thought he could hear Buck's familiar laugh coming down the hall, along with unfamiliar female laughter, that was the last sound he heard as he slipped from waking into sleep.

Sometime later, Vin woke up to find it was still dark. He had heard something...then he heard it again. A soft crying from the other bed in the room.

"Oh, god," Buck wailed, low, so as not to wake the other man. Vin reached for the lamp on his bedstand, dipping the wick into the oil, igniting the tiny flame that burned from earlier.

"Vin?" Buck sounded shocked and ashamed that he'd been heard.

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry I woke you...then again, I keep doin' things I don't want to do tonight. Or not doin' 'em."

Vin didn't know if it was his sleep-fuddled brain that couldn't make sense of Buck's words, or if Buck wasn't sure what he was saying.

"It's okay," Vin sat up, stretching his muscles. Although he didn't realise it, his shirt was halfway up his stomach, and he generally slept with no underwear. He didn't realise that the sight of his pale flesh was partially responsible for a fresh burst of sobbing from the other man.

"Buck, what happened?" Vin asked, softly. He knew that the big man was a gentle soul, one who generally relied on laughter to get through the pain, even when he was injured, and it took a lot for him to break down. It had happened once or twice when JD had been hurt, and over a woman a couple of times that Vin knew about, but Vin knew that Buck must be under a great deal of emotional stress to break down like this.

"Vin, something happened tonight that's never happened to me before. I don't know if I ever thought it could happen to me. I mean, I've heard of it happening to other fellas, but not me. If there was one thing that I always thought I could do, it was that. But not tonight."

"What was it, Buck?"

"This is real hard for me to talk about, Vin, to anyone. Even you."

Vin wondered why Buck had qualified his statement, but the other man had started to talk again.

"When I was with that little gal tonight, I couldn't be with her. I couldn't...you know."

Vin nodded in understanding. He'd heard of that happening, and had even experienced it once himself. He wondered if talking of his own experience might help Buck, but he thought it would be best to let the other man talk his own difficulty out first.

"The hardest part of it is that I know why I couldn't... I think that's the part that hurts the most. I'm so twisted up with guilt and sadness and envy and anger and even a little bit of happiness that I couldn't get past it to enjoy some fun with that girl."

"What are you so twisted up about, Buck?" Vin asked.

"You really want to know? Okay, but remember, you asked me."

Vin wondered for a moment if he did want to know if Buck was so vehement in his disclaiming of responsibility for Vin's reaction, but he knew that he would not be able to rest again until he knew.

Buck continued when Vin said nothing.

"Chris told you about us, right?" Vin nodded. "He doesn't know that I never stopped loving him, though. I still do."

"I know...it would be impossible to stop loving Chris once you started. I don't think he realises that about himself."

"Yeah. He never really thought I loved him. Not like I do. Oh, he loved me, I know he did, but I knew that he wanted children, a family, and that he couldn't let himself love me like I love him. I thought, after Sarah...but he was so broken up I knew I couldn't say anything. If I had, he'd probably have thought I was just waiting for something to happen...god, if he only knew how damn guilty I felt over asking him to stay one more night in Mexico. I never thought that my deciding that I wanted to see a horse would lead to what it did."

"Buck, it wasn't your fault! It was the bastards who set the fire who were responsible."

"Yeah, but if I hadn't taken the chance to spend a night alone with Chris, even though I knew nothing was going to happen, which was at least half of why I wanted to stay...maybe Sarah and Adam would still be alive."

"And maybe Chris would be dead, too," Vin replied. "Don't think I haven't thought of that, and blessed you for staying with him in the next breath. I know it was hard for him and for you, but I would never have known him if you hadn't gotten him ta stay with you."

"So I saved him for you. Yeah, that's about how it seems, isn't it?"

"That's not what I meant."

"No, but it's how I feel. Of course it'd happen like that. I save him for you, and I lose him. Yeah, that's just about what Fate deals out to ol' Buck Wilmington."

"Buck, ya were goin' to tell me why ya couldn't be with that gal, and ya haven't said it yet. Want to tell me that?" Vin asked, wanting to know.

"I couldn't be with that gal because she wasn't Chris...or you," the last almost inaudible, but Vin heard the words as if Buck had shouted.

"Me?" was all that he could squeeze past the lump of hope in his throat.

Buck laughed, mirthlessly.

"Yeah. I know, you're with Chris and you'd never, ever dream of cheatin' on him. God, I'd be funny if I weren't so damn pathetic. I find two people in my life that I could really love, and they both end up with each other."

"Buck...ya never said anything. Never even looked like ya were goin' to."

"Yeah, I know. It was Chris, at first. I knew I still wanted him. Then he started gettin' close to Mary, and I thought they were going to get together, and I looked around...and, funny as this sounds, there you were. I think it was after we looked for Chanu that I looked at ya as more than a nuisance and a good tracker."

"Thanks," Vin replied, just a touch of sarcasm lightening the tone.

"You know what I mean."

"Yeah."

"And now, that bastard kidnaps you and Chris and makes you realise that you're meant for each other. God, I wanted to ride out and shoot the bastard between the eyes when I realised that he had both of you. Then when we found you and Chris, and he said that you had been forced...JD nearly had to break my arm to keep me from shooting that fucker."

"It could have been...it very nearly was worse. If I hadn't said..."

"What did you say, Vin?"

"I was the one who said that Chris and I were...you know."

"Well, I guess that you got it, even though it wasn't true when you said it."

"Yeah, but ya don't know what else Chris and I talked about. And what Chris called in his sleep."

"What, Vin?"

"Chris called your name in his sleep...the first morning. And what we talked about? When...Chris and I were going to...I said that he was there, but you weren't."

"What?"

"Yeah. You're not the only one who's looked...wondered. But... there was Chris. And Mary. And everything else you said."

Buck emitted a harsh bark of laughter. "We shoulda consoled each other."

"We still could," Vin said, hesitantly.

"What? Vin...are you saying...?"

"Buck...have ya ever heard of a vision quest?"

"Yeah...it's what the Indians do when they need some advice... somethin' to do with the spirit plane?"

"That's it. I went on one the second night I was with Chris. My guide...she showed me what was making me so restless and disturbed."

"What was it?" Buck asked, curious.

"I saw this forest. There were all these trees, in groups of three. There were two together, and one that looked like it was dyin'. There were three, kinda just stunted, not growin'. There were three...two alive, one dead. And there were three... tall and strong and proud. Ya couldn't tell where one ended and the next one began...they were so perfect together, Buck."

"What did it mean?"

"It meant that there was something missing in my relationship with Chris. A third part that wasn't there."

"Do you know what it was? Did you change it or get it?"

"Not yet," Vin whispered.

"What was it?" Buck asked, curiously.

Vin gathered his courage. It had to be now.

"You."

"Me?"

"Yeah. The thing that's missin' in my relationship with Chris is you. I want it to be the three of us, Buck. If that's what you and Chris want..."

"He doesn't know?"

"Not yet. I needed...needed to know that you wanted me, that I wasn't just some annoyin' package that came along with Chris for ya. But what ya said before, Buck, I know that ain't how it is."

"Why now? Is it 'cause you feel sorry for me?" Buck asked.

"Not like ya mean. I'm sorry you're feeling as hurt as ya are, but I don't think I'd say what I did if that's all it was," Vin replied.

"When were you goin' to tell Chris?" Buck asked.

"I want to tell him when we get back. I was goin' ta talk ta ya on the trip back. Even had a bath and planned for it. There's..." Vin hesitated, "One...other thing I need to do with ya, alone... before I tell Chris."

"What?"

"Buck, I need ta be with ya. I need to know, just for me, what it's like to make love with ya. Ya've had so much time with Chris...I know it ain't the same, but I'll feel more...right about it, ya know?"

"Yes, I know, but Vin...what if Chris says no? He might not still feel the same about me. Or you, if you tell him."

"Buck, ya know it's Chris I want, forever. I want both of ya if I can. But if it's one of ya, it's Chris. If he says no... then tonight never happened, and neither did anything that might happen 'tween us on the road back to Four Corners. Can ya live with that?"

"I hope I won't have to, but if one night, out of time, is all that I can have with you, Vin, I guess it'll have to be enough."

"Well, there were a couple places on the road that we passed that I thought we might check out on the trip home...it won't only be one night. But it might only be four."

"Better to know what I can't have than to wonder forever," Buck whispered, half to himself.

Vin ached at the sound of the loneliness and defeat in Buck's voice. He hated to hurt people, even unintentionally, and to know that he was in any part responsible for the other man sounding like that tore at his heart. Without thinking, he walked to the other man's bed, and climbed in beside his friend. At Vin's unspoken invitation, Buck burrowed into Vin's arms, sobbing again, but in a different way. It wasn't the same soul-destroying battery of emotion, more a kind of relief and almost thankfulness at being held. Vin knew from experience that often, all that someone needed was to be held, to know that they weren't alone. He had had many times in his lonely life that he would have given anything just to be held...and had, once or twice, but it had never been enough. He stroked Buck's hair, and felt his friend's shaking lessen as he soothed him. He liked the feel of Buck in his arms, Vin realised as he placed a gentle kiss on Buck's hair. He started as Buck moved to look at him, just a tiny glimmer of the humour he associated so much with his friend twinkling in the brown eyes.

"That was nice, Vin, but I'm sure you can figure out another place that would feel much better for both of us if you kissed it..."

Vin gave Buck a genuine smile, relieved that his friend seemed calmer. Now he could raise a different kind of emotional storm, one that would feel good for both of them.

"Here?" brushing his lips over Buck's forehead.

"Here?" kissing his eyelids.

"Here?" nibbling on his earlobe, to the accompaniment of a small moan.

"Or here?" finally ending the teasing and claiming Buck's lips, almost giggling for a moment at the feeling of the mustache.

The room was silent for a long time after that.

"Damn," Buck said as they separated.

Vin gasped for breath. He'd known it would feel good, but not like this. Buck kissed like no other lover he'd ever had, including Chris. God, a part of his mind wondered, how had Chris ever given that up?

"You okay, Vin?" Buck asked gently.

"Yeah...just a bit powerful. In the good way."

"That's okay, then," Buck smiled and kissed Vin again.

Much more than okay, the part of Vin's mind that remained slightly rational thought.

Buck's hands roamed under the soft fabric of Vin's shirt.

"Damn, Vin, this thing is almost as soft as the nightgowns some 'a the ladies wear. What's it made from?"

"It's a real fine cotton. I guess Ezra could tell us what kind, but it's just a real fine cotton ta me."

"I like how it looks on you and feels against me," Buck murmured, kissing Vin again.

"God, Buck, this feels so good, so right."

"It does," Buck agreed between kisses.

Vin had a moment of worry. What if he couldn't give this up, no matter what Chris said? But he knew...for Chris, he could do anything. No matter how good Buck's hands felt on him.

Vin moaned as Buck unbuttoned the shirt, exposing his chest to the air, and to Buck's gaze.

"Damn...you're more beautiful than I thought you'd be," Buck gasped as he pulled the shirt from Vin, then moved to remove the long johns he wore.

Vin gulped a little, he'd known Buck was a big man, but he hadn't realised how well-endowed he was.

"You okay?" Buck asked.

"Yeah," Vin replied, caressing the nearest bit of skin he could reach, a firm thigh. He was rewarded with a full-body shudder from Buck. Vin did the first thing he could think of, he leaned forward and followed the trail his fingers had traced with his tongue. He felt almost scalded by the heat he could feel in the other man. As his tongue traced the firm flesh of Buck's thigh, his fingers moved toward the other man's hardness.

"Yesssssssss..." Buck hissed at the first touch of Vin's roughened fingers on him.

Vin grinned, and followed the trail again with his tongue. Buck jerked with surprise when he felt Vin's tongue on his burning flesh, and Vin pulled back for a moment.

"Do ya want this Buck...or do ya wanna do somethin' else?"

"Don't stop!" was all that Buck managed to get through his gritted teeth.

Vin didn't need to be told twice to do what he wanted, and he took Buck as far into his mouth as he could, allowing the hot flesh to touch all of his mouth, sliding gently down as he relaxed his throat muscles to take it all in. Buck moaned as Vin worked him with his tongue, adding some movements that his first lover had taught him with his fingers over Buck's hips and the soft rounds of his buttocks...for such a muscular man, Buck felt soft, Vin thought as he plunged a finger into the tight heat between Buck's cheeks. Buck moaned, and as Vin explored further inside him he began to move more quickly, exploding down Vin's throat as Vin stroked a swelling inside him.

Vin moved his fingers out of Buck and allowed Buck to slip out of his mouth. He moved to take the bigger man in his arms, feeling the uncontrollable trembling. He held Buck, murmuring nonsensical endearments, until the other man calmed.

"Oh, Vin..." was all that he could say.

"Buck...was it all right?"

"Vin...it was incredible. Maybe too incredible. I don't know if I can give this up."

"I hope we won't have to. And isn't it better to have known what we have if that's all it can be?"

"Well," Buck grinned, "There's one thing I want to know. I want to know what you look like when you come. And I guess I can figure out a way to make that happen." Buck moved a hand between Vin's legs, finding the hardness that had grown during the time Vin had been sucking him. Buck grasped the burning flesh, causing Vin to moan with pleasure.

"That's good," Buck murmured, "It ain't gonna take long, is it?"

Vin didn't answer, he just bucked his hips into the large warm hand, and a few minutes later, a shattering orgasm ripped through his body, causing him to jerk so hard he almost had them both on the floor. Buck kept a hold of him as he pumped and pumped his seed into the waiting hand, a wordless cry escaping from his throat.

"Wow," Buck said as they calmed, licking the cream from his fingers. "You sound so good, Vin...but I already knew that."

"How?"

"Well, the walls at the saloon aren't that thick..." Buck replied.

"Do ya think anyone else heard?"

"Probably Ezra. No one that you would have to be worried about."

"Good. Well, we better get some sleep. We got a long ride ahead of us tomorrow."

"I know...that's why I didn't think it would be a good idea if we...you know."

"You mean that you would have liked me inside you?"

"Liked? That's a word for it. But...maybe we should wait, Vin. Leave it until we know what's happening."

"That might be best. Just in case."

"Yeah. Just in case," and with those last words, both men were asleep.

The End
Next story: Three of Hearts