Meant To Be

Dear Chris,

"That's an original opening line if I ever heard one," Vin Tanner mused to himself. "And if I weren't so damn scared of writing this letter...of writing down the truth...I'd probably be able to concentrate on the rest of the letter, not the opening line."

Vin began to write, words that could never pass his lips, words that had lived inside him for so long that it was almost painful to write them, even knowing that they would never be read by the recipient while Vin was alive.

I've got something to tell you that I just can't say...
So I'm writing it down in case maybe someday...
Our lives take a turn down a road we can't see right now...

It's so hard for me to write this, Chris. Even though you won't see it unless I die before you do, there's a part of me that wants to keep these feelings, this truth, to myself. To never let it go beyond my heart and mind. But the part of me that needs to tell you in some way about this is stronger. I love you, Chris. That was easier than I thought it would be.

Vin sighed.

He'd done it.

He'd written the words.

He often wondered just when he'd fallen in love with his best friend. He rather suspected that it had happened in that moment when those drunken cowboys had pulled Nathan past him as he swept in front of the hardware store. He'd looked up, into eyes that hid a world of pain, seen a slight movement of a head, and he had known that he would follow that man anywhere.

Later, there had been the time that he and Chris had taken watch together. Their friendship had solidified in that conversation, when Vin had offered Chris the bounty on his head. Vin had half-expected not to survive the encounter with Anderson. Even back then he had been drawn to Chris. That had also been the time that Chris had first met Mary Travis.

I know you're happy and I'm happy for you...
But since you found each other I've been so confused...

Right about now you're wondering about Mary, aren't you? I'm not going to lie, not here. It hurt, a hell of a lot. Knowing that she, and her boy, could give you what I never could. But, at the same time, I couldn't hate her, because of the way that you mellowed with her and found that part of yourself that was missing for so long. I just wish that you could've found it with me.

Mary and Chris had sparked off each other from the moment they met. It had taken a very long time for them to look past their individual grief and see each other. A part of Vin had hoped that it never would happen, but he had known that it was inevitable that it would.

Cause I believe there's one soul on this earth...
That was meant for mine...
I was sent here to find...

I'd be thinking about what a fool I am, but there's something I remember my mom saying to me. It was a long time ago, of course, but it's one of my few real memories of her. I remember her stroking my hair and talking to me about my father. He died before she did, when I was about two. I think I was four at the time I remember. She talked about the first time they met, at a dance. It wasn't love at first sight, she said, as much as it was a sense of connection. She told me not to look for the spark of desire, because that spark flickers and fades quickly. She told me to look for that feeling of connection. It's only ever happened to me once. It happened when I looked up from sweeping in front of the hardware store and met your eyes. I didn't realise at first what the connection was. I thought it was all about helping Nathan at first, and of course that was part of it, but I soon knew it was more. I didn't know how much more for a while, though.

Vin thought of those early days. Being chosen by Judge Travis to defend the town, the growing friendship and closeness with the rest of the seven and the something more with Chris. Vin hadn't realised for a long time what his feelings for Chris were. Not until he'd realised that he didn't dislike Mary Travis. He only disliked her spending so much time with Chris.

What if it's you...
What if our hearts were meant to be one...
What'll I do...
Knowing I'll never love anyone...
As much as I do love you...
What if it's true...
What if it's you...

I do think that I might have made one mistake, Chris. I know how I feel about you, I've known it for a long time. Maybe I should have told you before. I did think about it, but every time I came close, something happened to stop me. I started to think that maybe it was meant to be, that I wasn't supposed to tell you about how I feel. Maybe I'm supposed to find someone else. The problem with that is that I'd know they were getting second best from me, and I couldn't take their best if that's all I could give them. And I know that I could never love anyone else as much as I love you.

Vin had considered starting things with someone else. He had caught a few speculative glances from Ezra, and if his feelings for Chris hadn't been what they were, perhaps it could have worked. But he knew he couldn't allow the gambler's soft soul to be broken by falling completely in love with anyone who couldn't give him complete love back. It had surprised Vin when Ezra had turned to Nathan, but perhaps there had been more under their surface tension that they hadn't realised. Vin hadn't been able to ask them the question, though.

Vin wondered what he would do with the rest of his life. He would never marry, this he knew, but he didn't know if he could stay in Four Corners. What if he were discovered and killed for the bounty on his head? And, a little voice whispered, did he really want to be this close to Chris and Mary as they settled into their life together? But he knew he would not move on until the others did, together or separately. The seven were a family unit now, and that would not change with Chris's marriage.

If destiny called and I missed my cue...
Do I get one more chance..
Oh how I wish I knew...

Would there have been a chance for us? I don't know, but I do know that I could never take that final step. I don't want to lose what we do have, which is the most special relationship in my life, but I do wonder sometimes if maybe I should have said something. I suppose I'll always wonder if things might have turned out differently if I'd said something. We can't ever know, of course. My mother used to say, it's the things that you don't do in life that you regret. She was a wise woman.

Vin often wondered on the nights that he couldn't sleep if there might have been a chance for him and Chris. It was the only thing in his life that he truly regretted not pursuing. Yet, one look at Chris with Mary, and he would know that he had done the right thing.

I'll never again put my heart in the hands of fate...
If it's too late...

I hope I haven't hurt you by saying this, Chris. That's the one thing I never want to do. Please remember that. It might be too late for us, but please, don't let this ruin the memory of our friendship. I couldn't rest easy knowing that.

Vin didn't think that knowing about his feelings after he died would hurt Chris, but he didn't know for sure. He knew that Mary would never know about it, for that he was grateful.

If I ever hold you I'll never let go...
But if I never do how will I know...

I'll never know what it's like to be with you, Chris. I wish I could. I wish I could know how close my fantasies are to reality. But maybe it's better this way. Even if you could bring yourself to be with me once, it wouldn't ever be enough. And I know that you could never leave Mary and the boy for me.

Vin wondered again at his use of 'the boy' for Billy Travis. He couldn't bring himself to write the boy's full name, as if to mention him in the letter might possibly harm him. He sighed, and finished the letter, signing it:

All my love, beyond life, Vin.

FIVE YEARS LATER

'I never expected her to be the first,' Vin thought to himself. He'd asked Mary to deliver the letter to Chris if he'd died first and to destroy it if Chris died first. He'd never thought that she would be the first of the three to die. He'd hoped that Chris wouldn't have to go through the loss of a second wife, and he hadn't wanted to lose one of his best friends, either.

Vin had never quite gotten around to leaving Four Corners. Nathan and Ezra had settled down together, Josiah had finished his church, Buck was married too, and JD had surprised them all by remaining sheriff, where he claimed that he had no time for women.

The feeling of family remained for the seven, and Mary and Billy Travis had been added, quite willingly on their part, to the family unit. Vin had been half-surprised, half-fatalistic about his and Mary's common ground, although he knew that the beautiful woman had never suspected how much they had in common.

Mary had died in childbirth, but, thank God, the baby, a girl, had survived. Otherwise, the rest of the seven knew, Chris would have had no difficulty in following Mary.

Vin had no illusions that there was any more chance for him with Chris, though. His only thought now was to make sure that he found the letter before Chris did.

That was the reason he was about to see Andrew Premington, the only lawyer in Four Corners. Vin assumed that Mary would have given the letter to him for safekeeping.

Half an hour later, Vin walked out of Premington's office. He had had no luck. Mary must have put the letter somewhere else.

"Nothing for it, I'll have to break into their place," Vin said to himself, determinedly, his only thought to keep Chris from more turmoil in his life.

Vin walked the short distance to the house Chris and Mary had lived their life in, a house that he had visited often, for parties, special occasions, business with Chris and, sometimes, just to talk to Mary. He would miss that most of all, he was startled to realise. His loss had been somewhat sublimated to Chris's, but he had suffered as well.

Vin pushed the sadness out of his mind, he had other things to be concerned about.

He knew that Chris was taking the baby, whom he had named after her mother, to find a wet-nurse. He couldn't ask for a better opportunity, but a part of him rebelled at the idea of breaking into Chris's home, the place they had all spent such wonderful times together. And what if Chris came home early?

Vin knew that these questions were really just another way to delay what he knew he must do, as his tracking skills were enough to make most of the questions moot. The most important thing was that Chris must not find the letter. Not now. It would hurt him too much. And Vin didn't want him to find out that way. If there were ever a chance for them, it would come much later, and Vin didn't want to ruin that faint hope. He felt that harbouring it at all was a betrayal of Mary, but the part of him that belonged to Chris wouldn't allow him not to think of it. But if there was ever to be even a possibility of their having something together, he could not allow Chris to find out yet.

Soon Vin was standing outside the house. He checked the door first, and to his surprise it was unlocked. He didn't question the luck, just slipped inside and walked up the stairs to Chris and Mary's bedroom.

Vin murmured a half-apology, half-prayer as he crossed the threshold of the bedroom. He averted his eyes from the bed, not wanting to think of Chris and Mary making passionate love in it, although that had not happened for the past few months. Mary had had to sleep in a room downstairs for the last few months of her pregnancy.

Vin murmured more thanks that he had not had to face the room that Mary had died in. The rest of the circumstances were difficult enough. He began by looking in the armoire, finding only clothing. The larger closet was the only other possible hiding place, so Vin opened the doors. The left side's masculine garments, mostly in black, proclaimed it Chris's half, so Vin ignored it for the moment. He brushed through Mary's dresses, blushing a little as he put aside her lingerie, and, at last, found some hatboxes. Although the first four or five contained hats, not surprisingly, he found three that contained letters.

Vin sighed in relief as he looked at the dates. Mary had kept them in date order, so all he had to do was look for five years ago, give or take, and he would find his letter, be out of here, and Chris would never know.

Vin found the letters dated 1880, there were only six, and all of them were unsealed. Vin didn't know what to think about that, so he looked at the envelopes. None of them was his letter. He might have known that it wouldn't be this easy.

Vin began to look through the boxes, starting from the beginning. He didn't bother looking at anything that was unsealed, they would be Mary's personal letters, and he felt that he was invading her privacy enough as it was. He found only three letters in the boxes that were sealed. One was a second copy of Mary's first husband's death notice, one was a bill that had been paid earlier, and the third was addressed to him.

Vin sat there for a moment, staring at it in shock. He realised after a moment that it was Mary's handwriting. That seemed to stir him enough for him to open and read it.

My dear Vin. If you are reading this, I was the one to die first. I hope that I had at least a few years with Chris, and that he isn't letting himself withdraw after my death. I can't do anything about that, unfortunately, so let's get to what I can do something about. The first thing I want to tell you is that I think I know what is in your letter. I know that you are in love with Chris, and have been for a very long time. I don't mind, I never did, I want to tell you that first. Partly because I knew Chris would never leave me, it took us long enough to admit how we felt about each other, and partly because I know that you would never ask him to leave me. Don't worry, Chris has no idea how you feel. I could be completely wrong, of course, but I don't think I am. Why else would you leave a letter for him to read after your death? If it were anything else, you'd leave it with Andrew Premington, but you left it with me. The reason you cannot find your letter in my hatboxes is that I have left it for Chris to find. It is in a place that only he and I know about, so it is safe until he finds it. Please forgive me for doing this, but if I can't be there for Chris, I want you to be. I wish you the best of luck, Vin. Take care of Chris for me, please. If he can't let you be his lover, I'm truly sorry. But if he can, tell him for me that it's not too soon. It's never too soon to love someone. All my love, Mary Travis Larrabee.

Vin didn't know how to process this, but he knew that he couldn't think more deeply about it here. He knew that he would wonder about this until Chris told him that he'd found the letter. Vin prayed that Chris would not hate him. He held a faint hope that Chris might not find the letter until he was ready to deal with it.

Vin got up and turned toward the doorway. He had to get out of here.

Chris was standing in the doorway.

=====

"I guess you're wonderin' what I'm doing here," Vin began. Then he realised that Chris held a letter in his hand. It was his letter. So much for the reprieve he'd hoped for.

"Would you care to explain this?" Chris asked, low and neutral as ever.

Vin didn't know if that was a good or a bad sign.

"No explanation. It's true. I'm sorry you had to find out now."

"Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"How could I? You were so in love with Mary..."

"If you'd given me the slightest encouragement...I don't know what I'd have done."

"What?"

"Do you think you were the only one who was affected by that first meeting in front of the hardware store?"

"But...Mary..."

"Was a wonderful, beautiful woman who I'm lucky to have known as a wife. I'll never be able to love another woman the way I loved her. But...I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, and I didn't really consider that there was an alternative until I read your letter."

"What do you want, Chris?"

"I want life to go on as it has been. I want to take care of Billy and Mary. And...I want to find out if you and I could maybe be more than friends."

"But...what about your mourning?"

"I'll mourn Mary the rest of my life. Sarah and Adam too. But I have to live my life now."

Vin couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Chris, are you saying...?"

"I want you in my life Vin. As my best friend, you have been there for me for the last seven years. I'd like to know what it's like when you're my lover."

"Chris," Vin had noticed something in his friend's tone, "Have you ever...with a man?"

"No, never. Have you?"

"Yes. When I was with the Comanche. It's accepted among the Indian people."

Chris looked surprised, but recovered his composure. Vin had always said that it would take a hurricane to shake it.

"Then you can show me what to do. How to love you. More than I do already."

"You love me? How can you love me and love Mary too?"

"Because it's different. I love you like...like the other half of me. I love Mary as a memory, as something wonderful that I was lucky to know. My feelings aren't only reserved for you, or Mary, or even Sarah. I love all of you in different ways. I love Mary and Sarah as beautiful memories, but you I love now, and I hope for a very long time."

Vin closed the distance between them, hardly able to believe what he was hearing.

"You really want me?"

"Yes, I do. But Vin, you'll have to show me..."

"When?"

"I was thinking now, but if you have somethin' you need to do..."

"I didn't know how long I'd need to find the letter, so I told Ezra that I was going to see Premington and that I'd probably ride out to Josiah's later."

"Then...we have some time."

Vin drew Chris into his arms, slowly, as if afraid he would disappear.

"There's no need to treat me like a piece of glass," Chris murmured.

"I'm sorry. I just want this to be perfect for you. And it's not every day that my dreams come true, you know." Vin stopped Chris's gasp of pleased surprise by placing his lips over the other man's. The kiss was light and tentative at first, with Chris showing his inexperience and Vin not wanting to go too quickly, but the feelings coursing through both men soon caused them to deepen the kiss. Vin moaned, and as his mouth opened, Chris's tongue tentatively began exploring inside. Vin felt an explosion of pleasure as Chris's tongue scraped along the roof of his mouth, giving a long, deep groan of pleasure. Chris chuckled as Vin began to remove his clothes.

"You want something, cowboy?"

Vin quirked an eyebrow at the growing bulge that Chris's tight black pants did nothing to hide.

"I could ask you the same question."

Chris looked, slightly worried, Vin thought, at his matching bulge.

"It's okay, Chris. We can take this as slow as you need to. We have all the time in the world."

"I don't want to take it any slower than we have to, Vin. We don't have all the time in the world, you never know what's going to happen tomorrow. I hope we'll have a long time together, but the life we lead...it could all be over in an instant. I want whichever one of us is left if that ever happens to have the memories, at least."

"Well...I know you're used to takin' the lead, cowboy, but I think this time, you might have to let me."

"I bow to greater experience," Chris said, solemnly, with a twinkle in his eye.

Vin laughed at the unfamiliar expression coming from Chris, but was cut off by another mind-blowing kiss.

"Now can we get on with it?" Chris asked, removing his clothes more quickly than Vin would have thought possible.

Vin looked around the room, his gaze lighting on a bottle of hand lotion, obviously Mary's. It seemed...right that he should use it. She would have encouraged it if she were able, he knew. Vin walked to the dresser, bringing it back with him in one hand as he finished shedding his clothes with the other.

"What..." Chris asked, indicating the lotion.

"We need something. It'll make things easier."

"Okay."

Vin lay down on the bed beside Chris, moving a hand over his chest. Gasps of pleasure accompanied the journey, and near screams erupted from Chris's throat as Vin lightly pinched his nipples.

"Oh," was all that he was capable of saying as Vin's lush mouth followed the same route, the proof of his arousal hardening against Vin's thigh.

"I never dreamed that you'd taste so good," Vin whispered as his mouth followed the sweep of Chris's rib cage to more moans of pleasure from the man under him.

"Do I...mmmm...get to do this to you later?" Chris asked.

"That could be arranged," Vin teased as he kissed his way across Chris's taut, flat stomach. Chris almost came up off the bed as Vin's tongue teased the indentation of his navel, awakening sensations he'd never felt before.

"How do you always get it so right?" Chris asked when he was capable of speaking again.

"I just try out everything I've wanted to do to you for the last seven years. I'm sure there'll be a few things that you don't like, and you are not to be shy about telling me that. I already noticed that you're not shy about tellin' me what you do like," and with a wink, Vin bent to his task of making Chris feel as good as possible once more. A low, deep moan from Chris accompanied Vin's tongue sweeping from base to tip of the hardest erection Chris could ever remember having. As Vin's mouth took Chris deep inside, all coherent thought fled from Chris's mind. Beating down the need to thrust deeply, knowing that it could stop proceedings if he did, Chris moaned and literally shook with desire as Vin's mouth drew pleasure from somewhere so deep inside of him, he didn't think anyone had ever touched it before. A few firm strokes of Vin's fingers, combined with the mouth that was driving Chris out of his mind, and Chris was shouting in release, his seed spilling down Vin's willing throat.

Vin slowly let Chris slip from between his lips, moving up to hold Chris in the aftermath of his climax.

Chris looked deep into Vin's eyes, with an expression that Vin had never thought to see again. Chris was happy. Vin felt a rush of warmth flow over him as he realised that he, too, was happier than he could remember being for a very long time.

"This feels so right," Chris whispered. "I should feel like it's wrong, so soon after Mary...but I don't. I don't regret being with her, don't get me wrong, Vin, but I feel like I've waited all this time for you."

"I think that's what she meant," Vin didn't feel strange discussing Mary like this, it seemed as if she were there with them, and in a way she was. "When she told me that it wouldn't be too soon in her letter."

"She left a letter?"

"To explain about why I couldn't find mine, I guess. She did the right thing, didn't she?"

"She sure did. Now...enough of this conversation," Chris lightly kissed Vin's lips, tasting himself faintly, "What can we do for you?"

Vin gasped as Chris grasped him, moving along his hot erection with sure, confident strokes.

"Damn, I think you're a natural. Ohhhh, yeah...Chris...please stop."

"Why?" Chris asked, stopping the movements.

Vin took a breath. This was kind of hard to ask, even after what they'd shared.

"Chris, I want to feel you around me. I want to be inside you and to feel you clench around me as I come deep inside you."

"How can you do that?"

Vin whispered into Chris's ear, and looked with lustful surprise at the bright red flush that crept from his lover's forehead to his toes.

"Well?" Vin asked.

"I didn't know that it was like...that."

"If you don't want to, that's okay. Whatever you want, remember?"

"I'd like to, but...what if I change my mind partway through?"

"Just tell me, and we'll do something else. This is supposed to feel good, remember?"

"Can we take it slow?"

"That's the only way to do it properly, love," Vin stopped for a moment as he realised what he'd said.

"I like that," Chris drawled.

Vin didn't pretend not to know what he meant.

"Thanks. I promise not to call you that in public, but between us..."

"That's fine...lover."

Vin blushed and smiled, "I like that, too."

"Good," Chris smiled.

Vin began kissing his lover again, reaching blindly for the bottle of lotion that he'd put on the bedside stand. He pulled the stopper out, and allowed some of the cool, viscous fluid to pour into the palm of the hand that he wasn't caressing Chris with. He transferred some to the exploring fingers, and began a slow journey into Chris's cleft. Chris tensed up for a moment as one of Vin's slick fingers brushed against the puckered skin, then relaxed as he began to get used to the feeling. Vin moved his finger just inside, wanting to take it slowly, then a little more deeply. Vin added a second finger, moving inside Chris, searching...there it was. Chris moaned and jerked, not knowing where the waves of pleasure had just come from.

"Damn, what the hell is that?"

Vin glanced at him, realised that his lover only felt pleasure, and grinned. Chris grinned back.

"Nathan told me about it. There's some medical name for it, but it makes you feel wonderful if you're with another man and when he's inside you with his fingers or..." Vin blushed, "something else, he touches it. Of course, I already knew about it," and Vin smiled and went back to his task, scissoring his fingers inside Chris, adding a third, and more lotion, as he opened Chris to him. After making Chris as open as he could, Vin nudged him gently to his hands and knees. This was easier, the first time, although a part of Vin would have loved to see Chris as he took him, that would have to be another time.

As Vin probed once more inside Chris, making him open, Chris pushed back on Vin's thrusting fingers, begging for more. Vin began to slowly move inside Chris, cherishing the feeling of leading his lover in this first time. A few gentle thrusts, and Vin was buried inside Chris. As Vin began to move, he reached a slick hand under Chris, grasping his straining need. Chris thrust forward into Vin's hand and back onto his hardness, instinctively knowing what to do. It didn't take long, Vin had been on the verge of climax since he had sucked Chris, and Chris was so overwhelmed by the new experience, it couldn't have taken much longer. Vin felt the warm heat of Chris's orgasm flow over his fingers, and then he was yelling, coming to his own climax deep inside Chris.

Vin pulled gently out of Chris, and they lay together, holding each other. Vin checked surreptitiously, and noted with relief that there was no sign of blood.

"What now?" Chris asked, lazily, pulling Vin closer, although the younger man would have sworn that it was impossible.

"Well...we can't be together like Ezra and Nathan. Things are different for you, and I won't let you do that to Mary's memory. Maybe in time, but not yet."

"You could move in here," Chris replied.

"What?"

"As my best friend. I don't like being in the house alone now that Mary's gone, and I need help with the children. Or that's what we'll tell everyone. Except Josiah, Buck, JD, Ezra and Nathan of course."

"Sounds good to me," Vin answered, brushing a kiss across a nipple as he drifted to sleep.

Chris grinned and followed him into sleep. They could talk about this later.

The End