Like He Loves Me

I've known about you for a while now...
When he leaves me he wears a smile now...
As soon as he's away from me...
In your arms is where he wants to be...

I never thought it would happen. Not to Chris. If there had been anyone who I would have sworn would remain faithful...

But he wasn't. Even though he married me and swore before God and all of Four Corners to be faithful to me, he wasn't.

And he always smiles when he leaves me to go to you. I know that not every time is going to involve lovemaking, but it still hurts that he is always so damned happy when he leaves me for you.

But you're the one he rushes home to...
You're the one he gave his name to...
I never see his face in the early mornin' light...
You have his mornings, his daytimes, and sometimes I have his nights...

He always rushes home to you. He hardly even spends time with all of us any more, and I know JD misses him a lot more than he lets on. Hell, so do I. And not as a lover, as a friend. I lost that, when we became lovers. But we thought we were dead, or about to be. Who knew we were going to be found the next morning? We sure didn't after losing both horses in the middle of the desert. So we gave into the feelings we both thought we'd buried long ago, me after he married Mary, and he...well, he said he'd never lost them completely, but I thought that was just because we were about to die, or so we thought. Maybe it was true. If it wasn't then, it is now.

The few times he stays with me are never long enough. I'd give every single snatched moment with him for one morning when I can see the sun play over his features as he sleeps.

The few times he's spent the night with me, he's always left before I wake in the morning.

But does he love you...

Does he talk to you, Vin? Does he tell you the things that he still won't open up to me about? Does he love you more than he loves me?

Does he love you....

Has he talked to you about Sarah and Adam yet? Or does he bottle it up like Buck says that he did for so long after they died? Does he love you enough to tell you about them?

Like he loves me...

I know Chris loves me. He married me, and he would never leave me. His honour wouldn't allow him to do that.

But I know I will never have his heart completely.

Like he loves me...

I have a part of Chris, a part that I don't think he could allow himself to share with Mary if he wanted to. And I know I could never capture his heart.

But I wish that he could allow himself to love me when he's with me.

Does he think of you...

Does he see your brown curly hair when he strokes mine? Does he see your deep blue eyes when he looks into mine? Does he imagine he's stroking your chest when he caresses my breasts?

Does he think of you...

Does he think of you when he runs his fingers through my hair? Is it your eyes he sees when he kisses my eyelids? Is it your beautiful breasts he's thinking of when he teases my nipples to erection?

When he's holdin' me...

Which of us holds his heart? Or is it both and neither of us? Does he keep it separate so that if...god forbid...something happens to one of us, he won't be as devastated as he was before?

And does he whisper...

Does he talk to Vin? Does he tell him about the things that he can't tell me? Does he talk about that night in Mexico?

Does he whisper...

Does he talk to Mary? Does he talk to her like he can't with me? Does he tell her about the night he lost his family?

All his fantasies...

Does he talk to you about what he wants to do in life? Does he talk about that ranch he wants to build? He told me that he hasn't been able to think about that before now. Is it because of you or me that he can now?

Does he love you...

What does he do to justify this? Does he say that I can give him something you can't? I don't know if I want him that way, but I don't know if I could give him up if that was the reason. I guess that's why I never asked.

Does he love you...

I can't let myself believe that he doesn't love you, Vin. I can't let myself believe that he would do this if he didn't. But what kind of love does he have for you? What kind of love does he have for me?

Like he's been lovin' me...

Does he love both of us in the same way, for the same reasons?

But when he's with me he says he needs me...
And that he wants me...
That he believes in me...

The things Chris has said to me. How I am the only man he ever thought of in this way, how much he likes the way I make love to him...god, and what he does to me. His mouth, his hands...his *love*. He says that he needs me, but I know that it's the only way he can say that he loves me.

And when I'm in his arms, oh, he swears there's no one else...
Is he deceiving me...
Or am I deceiving myself...

Chris told me that there was no one else. I asked him, straight out, and he said that there was no one else. But...I *know* there is. I've *seen* him with Vin, once. In Vin's wagon, when they thought no one was around. They were kissing. I left when Vin started to take Chris's shirt off. I didn't want to see any more. Not because I didn't want to...they were so beautiful...if I'd had the choice, I'd have stayed to see it all, but because I had to move before someone I knew saw me and talked to me. I wanted them to have that moment without thinking of me. Maybe a part of me thought or hoped it only happened once.

Or maybe I wanted it to be that way enough that I convinced myself that that's how it would be.

Oh, I should not lose my temper...

I think...I hope I know when things changed for them. The night they were about to die. How can I blame them for taking a few last moments of comfort with each other, in what they thought would be their last moments? I can't.

That's why I can't get angry with them. Hurt? Oh, yes, I was hurt when I found out. I don't like the idea that I'm not enough for Chris, and that he...that *they* would lie to me. Oh, I know why, they don't think I would understand. Or maybe they don't want to hurt me. I'd like to think that's the reason, anyway.

Oh, and I should not be ashamed...

I'm not ashamed of loving Chris. How could I be? And I'm not ashamed of our relationship.

Cause I have everything to lose...

I can't confront Chris with this, though. I know him...he wouldn't be able to stay with me...or Billy, if I told him that I know.

And I can't give him up. I love him too much to do that.

And there may just be another reason. Lately, I've been feeling very much like I felt when I became pregnant with Billy. I don't know for sure that I am, yet. Nathan can't be sure yet, and he doesn't want to say I am.

But I think I know. I think that's why I've started to think about all of this. I don't know if I can tell Chris, although of course I can't hide it forever.

Because as strange as it sounds, I don't want to be why Chris has to give Vin up.

And I know I will be, if I tell him.

Which is why I can't say anything to Chris until I know for sure that I'm pregnant.

And I, I have nothing to gain...

I can't ask Chris to stay with me more. I know it's going to end one day. It can't go on forever, and there's a part of me that doesn't want it to go on forever. There's also a part of me that *does*.

If I pushed him, in *any* way, I know that would be the end. Chris couldn't allow things to continue beyond what they are now.

So I continue to accept what he can give me, knowing that it will end one day. I keep the memories in my mind and my heart, knowing that one day they will be all that I have.

When will we stop? I know that we can't do it now...that Chris can't do it now. I'll never be able to do it, I need him too much.

I think...knowing Chris as I do...it will happen when Mary gets pregnant. He has too much honour to betray his pregnant wife. I think he does. I never thought he could betray his *wife*, but he does.

I will never have the strength to give him up, and I will never have the strength to keep him.

I only hope that our friendship can survive. I think it will. I think it's strong enough.

If it isn't, I think knowing Chris as a lover might just be worth it. I hope I don't have to find that out, though.

Oh, does he love you...

The End