I'll always wonder if I started things too soon with Vin.
I know that I would have eventually talked to him. I'd
intended to, even before Charlotte, but I wonder...did my
feelings for Vin get in the way? Did I rush him, and
myself, into this relationship, to make sure that another
Charlotte didn't come along and succeed in getting him to
Mexico or Brazil?
I honestly don't know.
I do know that I wanted him from the moment I saw him
sweeping the sidewalk in front of the hardware store, but I
didn't know then that it was love. I don't think it was
love then. How could it be, when I'd never even spoken to
him? But there was a connection from that first moment.
I wasn't ready then. Even when I realised how much I wanted
to touch Vin, to hold him...hell, I thought it was just sex.
It had been a long time, there hadn't been anyone since
Sarah except for a couple times with Lydia, and I thought it
was just sex. Maybe I thought it should be just sex...it
was too soon for me to think of it being anything more. I
don't know.
Things went on for a while. There were too many other
things that got in my way. Maybe I let them a little,
thinking that if I let them get in the way I'd somehow lose
the longing I had for Vin.
It was never about him being a man, of course. There were
those times with Buck, after Sarah died. He was wonderful
then...he always has been, when I needed him. But he and I
couldn't ever agree on enough to be together forever.
Then I nearly lost him to Charlotte. God, when I thought he
had gone...it took all I had not to crawl into a bottle. If
I hadn't had the responsibility of getting those folks
safely to their land, I probably would have.
I don't hate her, I don't think I ever did. I was as
jealous as hell of her, and of course I couldn't let my
feelings show like her husband could. Hell, that's probably
why I didn't hate her. I think there was always a part of
me that knew that she would go back to him. A part of me
that prayed she would go back to him as well.
What I hate is what she did to me and Vin. But maybe even
that is my not wanting to think that I am responsible for
what I see in Vin's eyes sometimes.
I hate her for hurting Vin and making him not able to trust
my feelings for him.
I can see you turn away...
When I ask what for...
You say it isn't anything...
But I'm not sure...
It happened again. I was just holding Vin, not wanting sex.
I don't always want sex, and I don't think Vin does either.
He just equates touch with sex. I don't blame Charlotte for
that, either. I think that particular lesson was driven
into Vin many years before he met me *or* Charlotte.
I keep trying to tell him that I just want to hold him, but
he says that he can't believe that. I ask him why, and he
turns from me. I ask why, and he says that it's nothing. I
wish I could believe that, but there are seconds, moments,
when I see a flash of something in his eyes, and I know a
part of him wants to talk about it.
Something underneath the skin...
Won't let you be...
And you try to keep it in...
But I can see...
There's something in Vin. A deep hurt, one that won't leave
him alone. He tries to keep it inside him, but that flash
that I see sometimes in his eyes when I probe, that's when I
see it.
The woman before me...
Must have been hard on you...
'Cause that hurt in your eyes...
I never put you through...
Sometimes I think you must be talkin' to...
The woman before me and you...
I can't imagine how Charlotte made Vin feel. It must have
been devastating to him. He does say that he'd never really
let himself love anyone before her, and he didn't know if it
was really love that he felt for her. I hate the hurt he
gets in his eyes when he says that. I know I didn't put him
through that, but I don't know if it's me he's talking to
when he says things like that. I think a lot of the time
he's talking to her, and maybe to himself.
Sometimes in an argument...
It will show...
When you go a litle farther than...
You meant to go...
Sometimes there is more to it, though. We have gotten into
a few shouting matches, when I've allowed my feelings of
hurt to overwhelm my instincts to protect Vin. Hell, I've
even thought that maybe it's what he needs, to get the hurt
out. But then he says something that's just a little bit
more hurtful than he would usually say, and I know how
deeply the hurt is buried. Too deeply for me to get it out
yet, if ever.
I know you don't mean the things...
That you say...
I just wanna ease the pain...
That's in your way....
I know he doesn't mean it, though. It's just his way of
protecting himself from being hurt more. I just wish he'd
realise that that's what *I* want to do. Protect him from
hurt, and ease the pain of his memories. But he isn't ready
for that yet. I wish he was.
Maybe he would have been...before Charlotte.
If there are sorrows that bring back a tear...
Don't let them keep us apart...
I just wish that Vin wouldn't let his sadness and fears push
us apart. I want them to bring us together. There's
nothing like shared pain to bring two people close.
You ought to know you've got nothing to fear...
Here in my heart...
Vin should know that I won't let him down, that he has
nothing to be scared of. Hell, I'm the one who should be
scared, because if he ever leaves me, I think that he'll
take the last piece of my heart that I had left to give
anyone.
'Cause you and I will never be...
Like the past...
Whatever kind of memories...
That you have...
It terrifies me that Vin thinks I could be like Charlotte,
or whatever it is in his past that hurt him and made him so
afraid to trust in his feelings. It doesn't matter what
they are...I know I could never do anything like that to
him, whatever it is.
Nothing could ever be so bad as to make me stop loving Vin.
Nothin's gonna hurt you now...
Can't you see...
I already made a vow...
That I can keep...
Vin needs to realise that I'm not going to hurt him. I'm
committed to him, as much as I ever was to Sarah, and I am
not going anywhere. When I said that I loved him, that was
as much a vow as anything Sarah and I said over the
prayerbook in the church when we were married.
Sometimes I think you must be talkin' to...
The woman before me and you...
I don't know if I would have gone so quickly with Vin if I
hadn't been so damned afraid of another Charlotte coming
along and capturing his heart.
All I can do is be patient with him and love him. He is
worth the pain he causes both of us, because when he finally
accepts how I feel, the joy will erase the pain.
I just hope that it will be soon. I want our love to be as
it should be.
The End
