I knew something was going to happen between them the moment they laid
eyes on each other. Chris, walking into the bar, the Southern gambler
looking up for just a moment from his cards. I doubt they ever thought
that moment was significant. But I knew.
I knew it when Ezra ran out on Chris. I knew when Chris said to Ezra,
"Don't run out on me again." The sparks were there from that moment.
I don't think even Chris knew what he was saying when he teased Ezra
about being a bad boy. I know Chris isn't into bondage games, but he
does like to tease that he could be. The man is a mass of sweetness
under that exterior, of course, although so few of us really know that
side of him. His close friends, and I think there are a few others.
Mary knows, of course, although I think she knew even from the start
that they were never going to be. She was *too* close to his past.
They have an amazing friendship, though, one that I wasn't sure was
possible between a man and a woman. I'm glad they have each other in
that way, though. Chris never made friends easily. The war and what
happened to him didn't help. I'm glad that he has the others now, and
the other friends he's made. Judge Travis, Mary, Mrs Potter, Inez,
Casey, Nettie. It helps to know that they're there for him, and Ezra.
I must admit, for a while there, I thought Chris might turn to Vin. I
don't think that would have been a bad thing, for either of them, but
there wasn't that feeling of, well, excitement, that there is with one
look between him and Ezra. Not in this time and place. They just
weren't ready for each other at the right time. And when Vin went off
with Charlotte...no one but me knows how that devastated Chris, and he
wasn't in love with Vin. I don't think Chris would have survived that
if he had been. Vin's damn lucky they managed to get their friendship
back, and I think he knows that. I do think Vin might have deeper
feelings for Chris, but I think he knows that Chris could never
return them now, even if he'd been able to once.
It was the situation with Li Pong that brought Chris and Ezra together,
if indirectly. I think that was the first time Chris realised how
deeply Ezra feels things, and how he is willing to risk his heart for
someone or something that he believes in. I also think Chris realised
that he'd have to say something before another man he could care for
was lost to him forever. I remember him talking about that, that he'd
let things go too long with Vin, and that he didn't want to let another
chance for happiness slip through his fingers.
I knew he was right, and I encouraged him as best I could. It wasn't
easy, knowing that he would find someone else, that the feelings we
once shared would become precious memories, but I could never say that
Chris shouldn't find someone else. I knew I could never be with him
again, much as I'd like to be, and I didn't want Chris to be alone for
the rest of his life.
I couldn't do much to encourage them, though. Partly because I
couldn't say anything, and partly because...I wasn't willing to let
Chris move on. That is selfish, and wrong, but I couldn't help it. It
was only when I realised that Chris *needs* someone, needs to have
someone to...protect, someone who is closer than a friend, that I was
able to accept that Chris and Ezra should be together.
But I still didn't push them together.
Ezra was almost shot. It was a near thing...too near. And
Chris...I've never heard a cry like the one he gave. Well...once. But
that was a long time ago.
That was when Chris realised. It took him a long time. I don't think
he'd ever really intended to fall in love with a man. It was a shock
to me, too. Not that he would be with a man. I, more than anyone
else, know that Chris has his experiences in that area. But to love,
to commit to a man? I don't think Chris ever considered it. And I
know I didn't. But in a way...if Chris has to find someone to spend
the rest of his life with, which I *do* want for him, I'm glad that it
wasn't a woman.
And I know how much Ezra loves Chris. I remember their first glance
after realising. Ezra heard that anguished cry of Chris's, and he
knew. I remember how shocked he looked. He was lying on the ground,
having *literally* just dodged a bullet, then he looked up. The naked
desire in his eyes...indescribable. And Chris looked at him in the
same way.
That night, they sneaked away, to be alone. I followed them for a
short time. I needed to see a little of it. To see Chris cup Ezra's
face in his hands, to smile and kiss Ezra, gently. So very gently.
The way Chris used to kiss me.
I had to go then. I couldn't watch any more...and they deserved their
privacy for their first time together. I followed them to make sure
they went somewhere they could be alone. They went to Ezra's room. As
Ezra said, his bed had more room than a bedroll, and he wasn't about to
wait until they could get to Chris's shack.
I left them at the door. It felt right.
But I did hear the last thing they said to each other before going into
Ezra's room...before they loved each other for the first time.
"Chris," Ezra said, "I know I can't compete with your memories...your
wife and son have first claim on your heart and feelings. But you *do*
care for me...a little, don't you? As more than a...panicked
reaction?"
Chris took Ezra's face between his hands again, and repeated the
actions of their first kiss.
"I loved Sarah, and Adam. More than I can ever explain to anyone. But
Ezra...I wouldn't be with you, now, we wouldn't be about to go into
that room together...if I didn't love you. I will always love
Sarah...I will always remember what we shared. But we need to create
our own memories...our own love. Because I have you now, Ezra. And
that means more than I can ever put into words. But just because I
have you now, doesn't mean that I'll forget what Sarah and I shared
then."
And I knew...it was right for Chris to love Ezra now, just as it had
been right for him to love me first.
I felt the last tie to the earthly plain slip from me, and I knew that
had been what I had waited for. Chris had moved on, but he would never
forget what we shared.
I wished that I had had a chance to influence Buck's life. I had the
feeling that he and Vin might find each other, given the right
circumstances. But that wasn't meant for me to be a part of. I only
hope that they did.
I whispered, knowing that Chris could not hear me.
"Don't forget to remember me, my love."
The End
