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The Moment You Were Mine
I remember thinking love was a fool's game
Break your heart you've got your own self to blame
I've played it smart so many times but that's all changed
From the moment you were mine
People fall in love and swear they are so sure
Then they turn around and say it's over
I never trusted love to come any closer
Till the moment you were mine
One moment in time
And I knew why I had waited so long
One look in your eyes
Meant forever from that moment on
I used to dream somebody's arms were around me
Wake up alone and feel so empty
No I never dreamed how real love could be
Till the moment you were mine
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When I open my eyes I feel two things: an incredible sensation of warmth,
and a cramp in my back. Sheesh, I'm getting too old for this kind of night.
But then I realize why I have these cramps, and where the warmth comes
from.
I have been fallen asleep on the floor, enveloped in a huge warm quilt
and lots of pillows, in front of the fireplace in your condo. The fireplace
we have been sitting in front of the other night, each nursing on a glass
of exquisite red wine, after you had invited me back, into your home. And
into your life?
I move cautiously, trying to stretch and moan when I feel every vertebra
pop into place again. It is then I realize where the other source of warmth
comes from, that one that not only warms my body but has started to thaw
my frozen soul.
And then I remember.
I was sitting on the floor, leaning against the couch, enjoying both
the excellent red wine and the company. When I closed my eyes and leaned
my head back against the cushions I heard you move, some clicking sound,
some rustling that told me you were putting some more wood in the fire.
Just like I had imagined it. I didn't know why I was back here exactly,
all I knew was I wanted to go home hours ago when we indented to part at
the backside of the bar, was already heading toward my car and shivering
in the sudden chill that had me in its grip all of a sudden, freezing in
the icy fingers of Colorado winter, when you called my name. I turned,
thinking that maybe I had forgotten something, but then you pointed toward
your car. I didn't understand at first, didn't dare to understand, yet
hoped. I didn't want this evening to end, hell – I didn't want this closeness
we seemed to have found just this day to come to an end, ever. And then
you tilted your head slightly, smirked at me – and I was lost. Whatever
you would want to offer, I'd take it. Whatever you would want to ask, I'd
give it.
I smiled.
And took it.
We drove in silence. You put some CD in the player, and I listened to
the soft slightly sad sound of a female voice, singing about loneliness
and love, and I blinked in surprise. The kind of music one listens to says
lots about the person, but I never figured you to be the – well, melancholic
type. On the other hand … I shivered again, and you silently switched on
the heater.
When we arrived at your condo you opened the door, inviting me in with
a simple gesture. I stepped past you, and for a split second I could have
sworn I'd feel your breath on my neck. I shook my head inwardly at my foolish
thoughts. You smiled dimly and pointed toward the couch in a you-know-you're-way-around-gesture.
I sat down and watched you ignite a fire in the open fireplace and then
decant some red wine, serving it with fresh bread and cheese and putting
it on the floor in front of the fireside. Before I could ask you went into
your bedroom and returned with a quilt, laying it out on the floor. I know
I gaped, it surprised me that much, but you simply smirked at me again
and sat down, looking at me and pouring some wine into crystal glasses.
I shook my head and joined you, took a glass - completely ignoring the
sizzling sensation jolting through my body when your fingers brushed against
mine - and stretched out on the warm quilt, taking a sip from the wine,
a bite from the bread and felt – after a very long time - like being one
with the world once again. I refused to think about the following morning,
JD, Chris, the office or the outside world in general. I was where I wanted
to be, with whom I wanted to be. There was just a little drop of bitterness
in this whole thing – I enjoyed the taste of the wine, but I rather would
have tasted something else.
When I realized where my mind was wandering I mentally slapped
my own wrist. I wouldn't allow anything to destroy this fleeting moment
of peace, no way. I felt myself relax from the inside warmth of the wine
and the outside warmth of the fire. I noticed the way the soft light made
your eyes shimmer like dark green jade with golden sparkles in them, or
how it reflected highlights in your auburn hair, and I looked away immediately.
This moment was too precious, the mood too fragile, to destroy it with
inappropriate thoughts or impossible wishes.
I sighed in contentment and closed my eyes. And listened to you stand
up, move around, strike a match. Until your sounds and your movement stopped.
When I opened my eyes to see what had happened I saw you standing in
front of me, looking down at me. You were simply looking, but I felt my
heart skip a beat before it received a kick-start, increasing its speed
by the double, making the blood rush in my ears. Suddenly the world was
reduced to only one thing: your eyes on me. Everything seemed to sharpen
though, the scent of the burning resin or the bouquet of the wine, the
way the fabric of the quilt felt smooth under my hands, or the light of
the candles you had lit reflected in your eyes. All you had done was look
at me, for Christ's sake! But there was something in your eyes, in your
expression I just couldn't identify, not if my life depended on it. I know
something had happened that particular moment, something fundamental. I
think the earth stopped moving for a second.
When you moved again, slowly, graceful, almost leisurely, without breaking
the eye contact, and sat down at my side I noticed I must have stopped
breathing, because I inhaled deeply like a man drowning. And drowning I
was. You were that close I could feel the heat radiate from your body,
almost tingling on my skin, and I inhaled your scent, and it was like I
had imagined it: warm and homey like cedar wood and cinnamon and spice
and wild honey and it mixed with all the other scents, the burning wood,
the wine, and it made my head swim. And you kept looking at me the
entire time with this unreadable expression and I think you must have been
able to look into my very soul.
My world ceased to exist, my every sense concentrated on you: all I
could see was your eyes, all I could smell was that intermingling of spice
and honey that was you, and all I could do was watch you, literally mesmerized,
when you were leaning toward me in slow motion, and then you raised your
hand and your fingertips brushed the skin of my temple and I think I must
have shuddered at the sensation of this gentle touch and then … the last
rational thought fled my mind when your lips met mine in the most tender
kiss I have ever experienced and I closed my eyes because it was better
than I have ever fantasized about, though you were barely touching me,
and I know I must have opened up under you because I remember I finally
tasted you and that was even better than my wildest dream and I think it
was because it wasn't wild but sweet and caring and tender and compassionate
and … I had to breath.
When I carefully opened my eyes and dared to inhale you were still
there and you were still watching me and your hand was still at the back
of my head and your fingertips were massaging my neck and where your skin
touched mine it tingled in the most pleasurable way and I don't know what
I did but I think I must have leaned into that touch or maybe I reached
out myself because I remember the feeling of my fingers running through
your hair when I pulled you close or was it that you pulled me? Honestly
I don't care since it doesn't count at all. I remember your arms around
me when I ended up in them, leaning back against you, my head on your shoulder,
and I held my breath in the sudden fear that I was dreaming or you'd change
your mind or this was just a bad joke of live and it would simply turn
around, laugh at my stupidity and give me the bird or something. But you
closed your arms around me and then I did feel your breath on my neck and
your heartbeat and - it was real. I turned my head to look at you,
and you smiled at me, and I stroked your arms, and you brushed your lips
against my temple and – you were real. The fire was crackling, there was
some wine left, I was warm and secure in your arms and when I gazed outside
the large window it had started to snow. I was home.
It is where I still am, because additionally to the quilt wrapped around
me there are you. And I still feel your breath tingling on the skin of
my neck and I still feel your heartbeat and your arms. I must have woken
you because you start to stir as well, snuggling even closer, your lips
barely touching my neck, and this time it's not the cold that makes me
shiver. On the contrary, so to speak. Got me a hot-blooded southerner to
warm me up.
I roll on my back and you shift with me, propping your head on one
elbow and look down at me. Your hand plays lazy circles on my chest and
I feel like I could turn into a melted puddle at the expression on your
face. You look a little dishevelled and rumpled and I don't think I ever
saw you that open and vulnerable – almost edible. I can't help it, I reach
up, enjoy the feeling of your silken hair under my fingers as I run my
hands through your auburn strands, ruffling them a little further, and
gently pull your head down into a warm good-morning-kiss. Your lips touch
mine and it is a rerun of yesterday's events – only that I'm absolutely
more clear-headed then I was the other night. I feel your body stretched
against mine, and when you break the kiss you lay your head on my chest
and I wrap my arms around you, stroking your back almost dreamily. You
sigh softly and look up at me, smile at me faintly.
"I need a shower. And so do you."
"That an invitation?"
"Buck, I want to get clean, not dirty."
"What's wrong with that?"
"Principally nothing. But not today. Besides, you should get yourself
a shower, too, and a shave. We can have breakfast together, but then you
will have to get home."
I blink. Is this what I think it is? Don't you want me here?
"Ez … "
"Buck, you've been wearing these clothes for two days and JD might
get worried by now, don't you think?"
I hate it when you get reasonable.
"All right, all right. You gonna let me up then?"
"Of course."
You scramble to your feet with the same grace you had shown yesterday,
and it takes my breath away again, so all I can do is prop up on my elbows
and watch you. You stretch out a hand and pull me to my feet, giving me
a short shove into the bathroom's direction.
"You know your way around."
I stroll toward the bathroom and I think I display the hugest grin
I ever felt. Yep, I know my around all right. Now I do.
We are sitting at the breakfast table just like yesterday, sipping coffee
just like yesterday – yet entirely different. Everything's different, and
I dare to feel this little flicker of hope inside me…
"Buck, when you come back we have to talk."
Oh great. And here I thought only women know how to drop a bucket of
ice water over a man's head.
"Ez … "
You lift your hand at me, and I notice your expression has become serious
again. Shoot …
"No. This is important. If this … I want to be honest with you. I need
to know what you expect from me. And then – there's something you need
to know about me."
I sigh.
It has been too good to be true.
The End
Continues in Tenebrae
