If only...two words that mean so much, and yet so little. If only I
had talked to Vanessa before I left. If only I hadn't left in the
first place. If only I had married her...but she would never agree
to that before I left, she said that I was too young. I knew my
mind, and my heart, though.
If I had only known...
It was the last walk in the rain...
I'd keep you out for hours in the storm...
I would hold your hand...
Like a lifeline to my heart...
Underneath the thunder we'd be warm...
If I had only known...
It was our last walk in the rain...
It's raining again. That's why I'm remembering, I can never not
think of her when it rains. Her long brown hair falling down her
back, dampened by the water, her dress, clinging to her breasts
as the water soaks it, her blue eyes, the lashes spiked by the
water, looking at me with such heat and passion, her lips,
claiming mine as I move inside her, feeling the warmth and
dampness of her body around and beneath mine as I take her,
needing to be one with her. The feeling of connection as we
climb the peak, falling down the other side, coming back to
earth wrapped in each other's arms. Making love to someone in
the rain is beautiful.
I remember her hand, resting on my heart. I feel the connection
of it even now.
That was the last time I saw her, the last time I held her. It was
also, although I didn't know it, the time that we conceived a
child.
If I had only known...
I'd never hear your voice again...
I'd memorise each thing you ever said...
And on those lonely nights...
I could think of them once more...
Keep your words alive inside my head...
If I had only known...
I'd never hear your voice again...
Vanessa had the most beautiful husky voice. I'll never forget
her saying my name, she brought such a special shading to the
way she said it. I think I remember everything she ever said to
me in that drawl of hers.
There are a lot of lonely nights that I think I can still hear her. In
a way, I suppose I can. I'll never really hear her again, though.
I dearly wish I could, just once more. I wish she could have told
me about our child.
You were the treasure in my hand...
You were the one who always stood beside me...
So unaware I foolishly believed...
That you would always be there...
But then there came a day...
And I turned my head and you slipped away...
I didn't want to leave her. She was the most precious thing in
my life. She said that she would always stand with me.
I wanted to marry her. I planned to, even after I left. I thought
when I came back that she would be there. I knew it had been
a long time, but I thought that it just might not have been too
late.
I was fifteen years too late, according to her gravestone.
If I had only known...
It was my last night by your side...
I'd pray a miracle would stop the dawn...
And when you'd smile at me...
I would look into your eyes...
And make sure you know my love...
For you goes on and on...
If I had only known...
If I had only known...
The love I would have shown...
If I had only known...
If I could see Vanessa smile one more time, I'd make sure she
knew that that I still love her. I probably always will.
Dear Lord, if only I had stayed with her!
I'd have had so many years of happiness, more than I ever
deserved.
She knows, I'm sure of it. She knows my love is as strong as it
ever was.
What I would have done if I had known, though! The wedding
she dreamed of, a beautiful home, and more children. She
would not have died when her only child was so young.
When our child was so young.
I still find it hard to believe.
That the Lord, who so truly does work in mysterious ways, would
bring my child and I together the way that He did.
That we would be in this town, at the same time, and be asked
by Chris Larabee to defend a village for five dollars.
I still didn't know, not for a long time after that. Oh, I noticed a
look or two in his eyes that reminded me of her, but I told myself
that that was simply because he shared colouring with her. I
suppose he did, more so than I realised.
Then, one night, there was conversation around the campfire.
Somehow, I think I mentioned the lovely Mrs Standish to her
son, the conversation came around to family, parents. We kept
away from children, it was near the anniversary for Chris.
And he said that his mother had died when he was five years
old. I knew that the time frame fitted, but I still wasn't sure. I'd
always thought that his name was his mother's married name,
if I'd thought that much about it. But then...Lord, then...
He said that he had one thing left from his mother. A gold
locket that he carried with him.
I don't know how I managed to ask calmly, but I managed to ask
to see it without causing any comment.
It was Vanessa's. I knew then that one of my closest friends, a
part of my new 'family', was my family, my son.
I think, now, I should have realised sooner. The eyes, the hair,
the voice, all so similar. And yet, not similar enough.
Vin Tanner is my son, my flesh and blood.
I still don't know how I'm ever going to find the words to tell him.
I only pray that when I do, he will not hate me.
The End
