Bed of Roses

You and me we fell in love
On the poor side of the track
Soon you found there's things
That love can't buy
You swore to me if you got out
You'd never come back
I laughed until the day
I watched you slip away
With him
Broke my hear when you gave in

I couldn't help but laugh at the sight. I mean, one of Denver's most "acclaimed" ATF teams in the middle of mass chaos and I was the one trying to find some kind of control in all the mess. If it was the kind of mess involving guns, drugs or that lot, we'd have been fine, but that wasn't the case. I tried shouting to get everyone's attention, but my voice has always been on the softer side, much to my dismay, so instead I caught Buck's eye and gave him the nod of "go ahead." His whistle cut through the noise like an old air raid siren. I've never heard those kids get quiet so fast.

"Thanks Buck." I grinned, noting Ezra's scowl and Nathan's look of dismay. "Now," I addressed the finally attentive group and froze a moment at all them eyes staring at me, then realized it was just my team and my kids. Nothing to freeze up about. "Everybody met the players and got the autographs you wanted, right?" I watched as twenty-four heads bobbed up and down and just managed to hold in a laugh when I realized JD was nodding too. "Okay then, lets get in line and get on the bus so Josiah here can drive us on home."

There was a scattering of groans but truth be told everybody was plain old exhausted, and I know the adults, seasoned government agents they were, were more than ready to collapse, get a drink, or drink until they collapsed. I wasn't quite sure how I was going to thank them all for helping me out, but deep down I knew they were having a blast. Even Ezra looked like he was enjoying himself. Then again, Ezra always got along good with kids. At least this year he'd learned you don't wear a designer suit to a charity basketball game, especially when you're chaperoning two dozen elementary aged kids.

The kids loved this, us. Can't say as it's a surprise really, I mean when I was at the home I lived for days like this one. This was the second year I'd been able to take all the kids out to the basketball game. It makes me feel like I'm giving back a little, I suppose. I don't have much to look back and smile at. My ma and my times at the home are about it before I hooked up with Chris. Larabee and Team Seven have become the family I never had. I still don't always know how to handle that sometimes, but I guess I'm learning. I'd give anything for those men and they'd give anything for me, as witnessed by the fact that all six of em had volunteered to help today. Okay, so I might have dropped a few threats a long the way too but that was just for show. Have to keep up pretenses and all, as Ezra would say, but the fact is they would have helped without the threats. Hell, Ezra was the one who set it up so the kids could meet the players after the game. Don't know if anyone else knows that, but it doesn't shock me. The man loves these kids. They all do.

"That everybody?" Chris asked me, jerking my attention back to what I was supposed to be doing. The kids are all on the bus and counted. I could hear Ezra reassuring Emily Manes that he would reserve a seat for her on the next trip; he would remember to do it too. Nathan was getting onto Buck and JD's case in that tone he gets. "Settle down before you get everyone all riled up again." Meanwhile, Josiah just chuckled from his seat at the head of the bus, taking everything in with the big mirror.

"Yeah, that's everybody," I finally answered Chris, who was still waiting patiently. "Might want to do a roll call for a last double check though."

"Sounds good," he said. He started up the bus steps and I was moving to follow him when I heard her. Now her voice alone, calling out my name, was enough to tilt my world but when I turned around, time not only stopped but also spun me back about a decade or more.

"Charlotte." I didn't even realize I'd spoken her name until I heard Chris behind me.

"Vin?"

I couldn't take my eyes off her long enough to make any response to Larabee, I might have grunted though.

Charlotte looked the same as she always had. Young, beautiful and so full of life it was almost painful to see. Then my eyes met hers. I had no idea what she was seeing in me. I mean she had known me forever. Was she flashing through the years like I was? Seeing us together at age 10, 16 and 20? Or did she just see me now? Did my eyes seem bluer to her? Hers were somehow a more perfect shade of hazel. It hit me all at once when I fixed on those eyes though. There was something missing. She was still yearning.

"Vin." She almost whispered my name but I heard it like thunder on a quiet summer day. I couldn't stop myself from stepping forward anymore than I could stop myself from pulling her close and kissing her. Warning bells be damned.

It wasn't until I heard the chorus of "oooohhs" behind me that I remembered where I was and who was watching, and I forced myself to pull away. Her lips were rose red, Perfect Bloom, her favorite shade. She reached up, gently wiping her thumb across my own lips erasing any sign of her on me.

"Hey Vin, are you going to introduce us to your friend?" I looked up to see Buck grinning from the window above us.

"Buck," there was a clear warning in my tone and I wasn't sure where it was coming from, "this is Charlotte." I looked at her for help while I blushed from the public kiss and waited for her to fill in her last name while my heart beat wildly with hope.

"Richmond." She filled in with a sexy grin. I felt a mixture of nausea and hate pass through me. God, she was still married to him. "Vin and I grew up together." She went on to answer the question no one
had asked yet. "Good to see you, Tanner." She looked at me again, brushing my hair away from my face with a familiarity that chilled me.

"Yeah," I managed to make a sound anyway.

"It's been too long." I knew the look in her eyes and heard the meaning of her words as plain as day.

"Yeah." I stumbled again. "I gotta get the kids home." I motioned toward the bus and caught a glimpse of Chris still on the stairwell. Our eyes met briefly and I knew immediately he didn't like her. His green eyes shifted and I followed his gaze to her left hand. 'Yeah I know, Chris,' I thought. 'You can't miss the rock there, I know.'

"Still can't tear yourself away from the old home can you, Vin?" Charlotte was talking again. I could hear the disdain in her voice and it stabbed at me like a hunting knife.

"Reckon not."

She shook her head as if saddened by my answer. Her brown hair fell in soft waves over her shoulders and I wondered if it still smelled like peach blossoms. She fumbled gracefully with her purse a moment and then stepped closer, our bodies touching again. This time I managed to hold back. "It really is good to see you again, Vin." She pressed a gold embossed business card into my hand and without realizing it I dug one of my plain black and white ones out of my wallet and handed it to her. I didn't resist when she kissed me again, somehow I couldn't. Then she was walking away and I was turning back toward the school bus, her card burning in my pocket, the taste of her still on my lips and the feeling like I had just sold my soul, making me sick.

+ + + + + + +

Two hours and three whiskeys later I sat in Chris' living room and still waiting for the questions to start. We'd gotten the kids dropped off and settled without any problems and had headed to the ranch for an impromptu barbecue. I'd been waiting for someone to bring up Charlotte since we'd gotten there but I guess the alcohol needed to get flowing first to loosen up and get us nice and relaxed. I know I never intended to tell them much, but between the whiskey, exhaustion and emotion, I did a shitty job of keeping my own secrets.

"So who's Charlotte?" JD broke the silence first of course, but it was obvious that everyone was waiting for my answer.

"Jest an old friend," I started out keeping things simple but knew it wouldn't last long.

"I believe the lady mentioned you grew up together?" Ezra's accent always seemed thicker when he drank or was concerned. I wondered why he'd ever be concerned about Charlotte. Must have been the drinking.

I nodded and played with the rim of my glass. "We were in the home together when ever I was there." Now that shocked them. I knew what they'd seen earlier. Charlotte's fancy pantsuit, I'm sure Ezra could name the designer, leather handbag and her diamonds. Between all that and her professionally styled hair and perfect make-up, she had mastered the art of hiding the fact she was just an orphan like the rest of us.

"Richmond," Ezra rolled her name over, pondering. 'Here it comes.' I thought. Suddenly Ezra was sitting up straight and staring right at me. "As in?"

"Yeah Ez, that Richmond."

"Who?" JD looked between us then over at Josiah who just shrugged.

"As in Richmond Enterprises?" Ezra sat back again but his eyes were still wide in surprise.

I just nodded.

"She's married," Chris said quietly. It wasn't a question. If I'd thought they were staring at me before it was nothing compared to the way they were looking at me then. Damn.

"You noticed the golf ball to huh?" Nathan asked, his tone trying to inflect some humor into his comment.

"Couldn't really miss it." Chris' tone didn't waver.

Fed up, I leaned forward and set my glass on the coffee table. "Yeah well, Charlotte never wanted anything except a chance to get out of Purgatorio and she found it." I rubbed my hand over my face trying to chase away the memories.

"In Richmond?" Josiah asked.

"Yup."

"You date her back then?" Buck asked before taking a swig of his beer.

I took too long to answer and gave myself away. "Yup." Before anymore questions could be asked I forced my legs to work and left the room. Behind me I thought I heard Ezra's faint. "That went well."

I don't know where I intended to go when I left the living room, but I ended up at the corral watching the horses and ignoring the chill in the air. There was alight breeze and in the dimness of late twilight; the silence matched my mood. Closing my eyes I leaned my head against the rough wood of the fence and let the memories I'd been fighting wash over me.

Charlotte at ten, chasing me through the paved lot next to the home and later doing her best to act all tough when Sister Mary Ellen patched her torn knee. I remember I'd felt so guilty, 'cause she'd been chasing me when she fell. I could still see the giant tears in her eyes as she struggled not to give in and cry. Charlotte had been my constant. The years I'd spent at the home and then on the streets. No matter where I was living I knew I could always go back and find Charlotte. Late at night we'd sneak out onto the roof and lay there together, her watching the stars and me watching her. She'd tell me how the stars reminded her of diamonds on a velvet cloth and someday she was gonna wear diamonds. She dreamed of living in a big house with a garden of roses in the back yard. Always roses.

"You loved her, didn't you?"

I hadn't heard Chris approach but his presence didn't startle me. I didn't answer his question directly. "Never actually thought she'd leave."

He leaned against the fence and looked out at the horses, thankfully not looking right at me. "Still do?"

"I reckon." It was a dumb answer I know. Did I or didn't I? But there was no simple answer. When it came to Charlotte and me, for the life of me I'd never figure out why, but there was never a simple answer.

You always wanted
Your bed of roses
Congratulations you made it
On your own
And there you lie
In your bed of roses
With your lover
Made of stone

I could tell by his expression that Chris wasn't satisfied with my answer.

"Can't say as I know really." It was hard for me to admit that one. On one side, I knew I never wanted or loved anything more than I had Charlotte, on the other --the side I'd ended up with-- I could never truly have her.

"Why'd she leave?" Chris asked, kicking his scuffed boot against the fence rail to knock some dirt off the heel.

I swallowed the sudden lump of anger in my throat, wondering where the hell it had come from. I'd had years to deal with this; one would think I could at least talk about. I focused on the horses again; knowing Chris wasn't about to get pushy or anything. He'd just wait for whenever I was ready to talk and then he'd be there, listening.

"She found what she was looking for I guess." I picked at the slivered fence rail, not really caring if it tore up my fingers or not.

"What was that? Money?"

I sighed heavily. "Pretty much. Growing up in the home, we didn't have much of anything, ya know. Some of us could handle that fine. Charlotte never could. She always wanted more.

"Did she love you?"

I looked at Chris. "She said she did," I answered quietly. Part of me wanted to believe that Charlotte loved me as much as I had loved her. I wanted to believe that I would have been enough for here but she never had given me the chance to show her that.

"But she married Richmond anyway?" I could hear the controlled anger in Chris' voice.

"Yup, waltzed right in and offered her the world, or at least everything I couldn't give her anyway." It still burned to remember.

I had been going on nineteen and Charlotte was still a few months shy of eighteen when I'd gone back to see her again. For all my wandering I never had been able to go more than a few weeks total without seeing her, touching her. I remembered the sun and wind as we'd sat next to each other out on the front porch. I'd seen it in her eyes when she first looked at me and knew suddenly that it was coming. Still can't describe the feeling when she told me.

"I'm leaving, Vin." Her voice was soft and sad.

"Yeah? Where ya heading?" I'd asked, playing it off, not wanting to hear what she was going to say to me.

"I'm getting married." I forced myself not to flinch when her fingers intertwined with mine.

"Who?" I managed to ask.

"Will Richmond." It shouldn't have come as a shock or anything, but I found myself having to concentrate solely on breathing for a moment. Will Richmond was at least ten years older than I was, settled already in his family business and set to inherit millions on top of the millions he'd already had. Besides the money, he'd always struck me as a cold man. I'd wondered if he could really make her happy.

"Do you love him?" I looked at her, willing her to look into my eyes and see my feelings for her.

"Vin." Her voice broke and she'd leaned closer to me, resting her head on my shoulder. "You are the kindest, boldest, most exciting man I've ever known."

I'd felt frozen at that moment, waiting for her to continue. Waiting for the catch.

"But Will, he gives me security." She'd looked at me, her eyes filled with emotion, pleading with me to understand. "You'll always be my wild Vin." I could barely hear anything then but my own breathing. "He can make my dreams come true," She'd whispered fiercely, kissing my cheek.

"Be happy then," I'd whispered back. I'd kissed her then, hard and long and then calmly walked away as if it really wasn't the end of my world. It wasn't of course. I mean, life has a way of dragging you on if you let it, and though it took a hell of a long time, I did start living again eventually.

I'm not sure how long Larabee and I stood there like that, just listening to the sounds of the evening--the wind in the trees and the horses nickering at each other. But eventually a chill set in and I figured we'd better head back inside or we'd end up with the rest of the guys coming out after us, wondering what was wrong. If I was gonna have to answer more questions, I decided I wanted to have better access to more liquor anyway.

Everything a man could want
Now belongs to you
But you're a woman not a man
And when you need a lover's touch
Your diamonds don't do
You call me on the phone
To see if we can be alone
Again
Breaks my heart
But I give in

It was warm inside and the TV was on. Billiards of all things, and there was Ezra predicting each shot and cleaning out Buck's wallet. Buck being either too stupid or drunk to not take Ezra up on his bets. Josiah and Nathan watched, shaking their heads occasionally while JD slept, already passed out on the couch.

Someone had a fire going and it felt good to stand in front of it and chase the cold away.

"Not a good idea, standing out there without a coat or nothing." Nathan looked at both Chris and I with that 'You know better' look- was either that one or the 'You get sick and I ain't doctoring your sorry ass' look. I always manage to get them two confused. Chris and I, for the most part, just shrugged, which caused Nathan to snort indignantly and head for the kitchen for something. "You want coffee?" he asked Josiah specifically but included us as well.

"Sure," Chris answered and I just nodded.

"I'll help with that." Josiah staggered to his feet then sank back into the big lazy boy. "On second thought." His voice faded to a murmur.

"Just stay put." Nathan chuckled with a hint of exasperation and continued to the kitchen, this time taking Josiah's latest beer with him and muttering something nobody could decipher under his breath.

Chris sat in the chair Nathan had abandoned and leaned back, closing his eyes. What we all needed right then was sleep, but no one 'cept JD had done anything about it yet. Feeling like everybody was finally ready to leave me alone, I pulled Charlotte's business card from my pocket and stared at it a bit. Her name glittered in the firelight and I ran my rough fingers over the raised letters, suddenly able to remember the feel of her skin.

"Contemplating a phone call, Mr. Tanner?" Ezra asked as he sat down on the hearth; he wiped it down first of course. Buck must have wised up or gone broke, 'cause he had started watching some movie on the comedy station.

"Nope." I sat down next to Ezra and enjoyed the heat of the fire as it warmed my back. I tucked the card back into my pocket and absently picked at my fingernails.

"Why not?" I'd made him curious with my short response.

" 'Cause I never call her." It was the truth after all. Ezra's eyes widened with a look I couldn't quite read but he didn't ask anything else right then.

"Who don't you ever call?" Nathan asked when he handed me my coffee.

"Charlotte." I grabbed and abandoned bottle of whiskey from the table and added some to my coffee.

"But she calls you?" Josiah stirred in his chair and joined in on the conversation.

"Normally." I should have known they wouldn't have dropped the issue so easily. The whiskey bottle thumped loudly when I set it down harder than I'd planned to.

"But she calls you?" Buck was even showing interest again and his voice had gotten that 'implying something' tone to it.

I didn't answer, just took a sip of my coffee and heard the sound of another nail being driven into my coffin.

"Tell me you don't . . . " Buck let the statement hang and I glared at him, suddenly pissed at them all.

"I'm not telling you anything, Buck." My tone must have gotten the point across. I didn't want to talk about it then or any time for that matter. An uncomfortable silence settled on the room, JD's soft snoring the only sound to cut through the tension.

"I'm going home," I muttered and set my mug on the coffee table but before I could even stand up, Chris had jumped in.

"You're not driving anywhere." He reminded me of the three drinks I'd had earlier. Most likely I could have made it home fine, but I could already tell by his expression and Nathan's I wouldn't make it anywhere near my jeep. Figured that on the one night I wanted nothing more than to be alone, I'd get half drunk and stranded. "Take the usual room," Chris said. His voice had gotten softer. It wasn't unusual for us all to end up crashed at the ranch and it looked like that would be the case again.

"Thanks," I mumbled, making an effort not to storm off. My emotions felt like they were at war. I wanted to be mad at Buck for implying what I damn well knew was true, but more than that, I was good and pissed at myself because it was true. I might have never called Charlotte, but nothing had ever stopped me from answering her calls either. I closed the door and shed my clothes before crawling under the covers and closing my eyes, wishing I could change history and at the same time wondering if I really wanted to.

I can't actually remember when it began. I'd seen the announcement in the paper when they'd gotten married, but other than that I never tried to keep tabs on what was going on in Charlotte's life. I'd walked away determined that I wasn't ever going to get hurt like that again and if that meant never hearing about her again . . . so be it.

It had probably been a year or two when I got that first phone call. The fact that she caught me in Denver was miracle enough. I never did find out how she always knew when I was back in town but she did. The call itself wasn't much, really, just her asking me to meet her at The Brown Palace. She hung up before I could come up with a good reason to say 'no', and frankly I found I didn't want to say 'no' either. So I went.

Hadn't ever been in a hotel so grand as that before. The lobby alone was frightening with its lights and formality. I avoided the front desk, since Charlotte had given me the room information over the phone. The elevator made me antsy, my reflection warped in the metal of the doors and I wonder now if I should have taken that as an omen. I ignored the bad feelings though and found myself knocking on her door.

I don't know what I expected when she opened the door that night; there was hardly any conversation. We didn't have anything to talk about right then. She just opened the door; pulled me inside the room and the next thing I knew, I was in bed with her. Touching her again was like quenching a thirst I didn't realize I had. Afterwards I was lost as to what to say. "How's your husband?" Seemed a bit out of place right then. She talked though, after a bit, telling me how much she missed me. Seems she missed my voice, and my eyes and my hair and my touch and my wild ways. She missed everything about me, especially my passion, but I found out with a painful clarity that missing me wasn't enough to make her leave him.

I don't remember leaving her room, or going back to my own place alone. All I remember is drinking and fuming and wondering what would happen if Richmond died suddenly. Would it change anything? Would Charlotte come back to me then? What kind of man was I to even wonder something like that? Let alone the fact that I'd slept with her knowing full well that she was married and using me.

It's like I never had any control when it came to Charlotte. She would call again after a few months, sometimes it was years in between her calls but she always called. And for some unexplainable reason I always gave in.

You always wanted
Your bed of roses
Congratulations you made it
On your own
And there you lie
In your bed of roses
With your lover
Made of stone

I lay there in Larabee's spare room listening to the muffled voices of my friends, not hearing their exact words but wondering anyways. Were they talking about me? About Charlotte and me? I don't know why I got so pissed at Buck. I mean, I know he's the last one to jump on anybody's case about their love lives. His words just struck way to close, I suppose. It's not my love life with Charlotte that's the problem; it's the lack of love.

Finally I drifted into a fitful sleep, dreaming of Charlotte, diamonds and man-sized whiskey bottles. The whiskey being the high points of the dream, I can tell ya. When I woke up it was late morning, a rarity for me, and my main concern was finding the bathroom and then the coffee, not necessarily in that order but I heeded nature's call first anyway.

Every one else was up 'cept Ezra, eating a breakfast that, by the size of it, I figured Josiah had a hand in making. "Vin." A few nods and muttered greetings floated through my consciousness, but my sole focus of the moment was the coffeepot. Once I had my mug, and had drank half of it, I was ready to be as sociable . . . well as sociable as I get anyway.

"Morning." JD grinned at me over a pile of scrambled eggs, not caring that I'd just snatched the last two pieces of his bacon. Amazingly enough, all of us were able to eat after our drinking the night before, though I noticed Josiah was suspiciously sticking to plain toast.

"Morning." I caught Buck's gaze across the table and we stared at each other a minute before I nodded and then he smiled and nodded back. We were okay; no harm, no foul.
He ended up chuckling and that caught JD's attention. The kid looked between us with a look of total confusion before asking

"What? Something happen?"

"Nope," I answered. "Everything's fine."

"This have anything to do with that Charlotte girlfriend of yours?" Of course the kid had been asleep and had no clue what he might have been stepping in.

"Shut up, JD." Buck warned lightly, humor lacing his voice, which only gained another look of complete confusion.

The amazing thing about JD is you can see the questions forming before he even gives 'em voice, but this time I was saved by Ezra's rather ungentlemanly entrance into the room.

Mumbling curses under his breath, his hair standing in various directions, he just blinked sleepily at the rest of us. "Coffee?" His drawl was as thick as I think I'd ever heard it. He gave no acknowledgement to Chris who merely pointed toward the pot and tried to suppress a laugh.

"I'll never understand why you all feel the need to rise at such ungodly hours of the morning," Ezra said a little more clearly as he sipped at his coffee and sank into the chair next to me.

"Don't look at me," I said. " I just got up myself." That earned a raised eyebrow from the southerner, him knowing I'm almost always the first one out of bed.

"Didn't you sleep well?" Nathan was the one to ask.

I shrugged. "Guess not, that or the drink." It sounded like a good excuse but they'd all seen me drunker than I'd been the night before and still up with dawn. No one questioned me though and I figured I'd probably scared them all off with my attitude the night before.

JD asked about a new case that he'd heard was probably coming our way and suddenly the talk was about work. Sunday might have kept us from the office but it was rare that we ever left it entirely behind us.

Ezra and I were talking about how Team Four was in charge and wondering if he'd have to go under with this one, when my cell phone rang. I knew without looking at the caller ID that it was her, but I looked anyway and wondered if the rest of the room could hear my heart beat speed up. For a moment I debated just turning the phone off and ignoring the fact that it had even rung at all, but then my finger was on the talk button and the thing was at my ear and I was saying "yeah" before I'd even finished my thought.

"Vin."

I stood up and moved away from the table ignoring the looks that followed me, and the silence I'd left behind.

"Yeah."

"I need to see you." Same thing she always said. Her voice was low and sultry and I wondered if it was from her trying to sound appealing or hiding the call from her husband.

I stepped out onto Larabee's porch and closed my eyes, blocking out the beauty of the ranch in the morning sunlight. "I need to think about it."

"What?" That threw her. I'd never had to think about it before.

"You heard me."

"But."

"You heard me, Charlotte." I opened my eyes again, squinting against the blast of brightness. There'd been a frost the night before and it was only starting to burn off as the day warmed. The pasture sparkled and I couldn't help but picture Charlotte's diamonds. I closed my eyes again.

"I miss you, Vin." She was pouting.

"I know."

"Don't you miss me?" I cringed. Maybe this was why I'd never hesitated before. If I had, maybe I'd have heard her pleading and it would have turned me off.

"I gotta go, Char." I slipped and used her old nickname.

"I'll call you later then." She hung up and I was left there holding my phone and staring at it. Somehow I'd given her hope. I knew without a doubt she'd be calling back.

It was late afternoon by the time we were all moving enough to head home. No one had questioned me about the phone call though I knew from the looks on their faces that they'd figured out immediately it was Charlotte. I rarely use my cell for anything other than getting ahold of one of them.

I was the last one to leave, seeing that I'd stuck around a little longer to help Chris take care of the horses. I was already in the jeep and he was standing there looking indifferent when he finally asked, "You gonna see her tonight?"

"Would it matter to you if I did?" I don't know why I asked it like that. I'd never been one who cared what the next guy thought of me but then again; Chris wasn't just the next guy either.

"Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship." He said it without inflection but it stung all the same.

"I don't remember asking for your opinion." I responded defensively as I started the jeep.

"I just know you're smarter than this, Vin." He pushed the issue, his gaze not wavering.

My anger spiked quickly. "Yeah, well maybe you don't know me as well as you think. Mind your own business, Cowboy." I threw the Jeep into gear and floored it, kicking up dust. I checked briefly in the rearview to make sure he hadn't lost balance since he'd been almost leaning on my door before I pulled out but he just stood there, feet planted, arms crossed and watching as I did what I'm best at. I ran.

Ain't it funny how we changed so much
And never changed at all
You still live with an empty touch
And I live for your call

By the time I got home, I had her card out and was heading for my phone but I pulled up and reminded myself then that I never call her. I set her card by the phone and hopped in the shower hoping I could clear my head and wash away the loathing I felt for myself all at the same time.

I'd just pulled on a pair of sweats and was towel drying my hair when the phone rang. I paused only a minute before answering it. "Yeah?" I asked, almost holding my breath as I waited for her to speak.

"Brother Vin." It was Josiah.

"Josiah." I waited, not sure what to expect. "Something up?" I gave in to my curiosity.

"No, just wondering how you were doing. If there was anything . . . " His voice wavered.

"I don't need to talk to anyone, Josiah. I'm fine." I sighed with frustration.

"Okay then." He paused. "Remember I'm here if you do need to talk."

"I know that."

"I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Bye." I hung up the phone and flopped back on my battered couch. Charlotte's card caught my eye and I picked up, getting lost in the gold of her name. The phone jerked me back to awareness.

"Yeah?" I held my breath again.

"Hey Vin, you busy tonight?"

I sighed and closed my eyes. "No JD, not really. Why?"

"Buck and I were wondering if you wanted to come over to watch a game. Get some pizza. That sort off thing." He sounded breathless and hyper.

"Not tonight, kid."

"You sure?"

"Yes I'm sure. Rain check okay?"

"Okay. See you tomorrow."

When I hung up the phone I shook my head. I didn't know what was going on with any of them. Before I could think on it any longer than that, the phone rang again.

"Yeah?" One more hope that it might be Charlotte.

"Hey Vin. How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine, Nathan." I really didn't mean to growl.

"You busy?"

"No, but I'm not up for talking right now."

"Sure you're feeling alright?"

"I'm fine," I insisted.

"Okay, see you tomorrow then." When he hung up I stared at the phone for a minute wondering if I should even bother to put it back on the hook. Reluctantly I did and within a half-hour it was ringing again. I didn't bother with the anticipation this time.

"What do you want, Ezra?" I asked.

There was silence and for a few seconds I thought I'd stepped in it big, but then he answered.

"Well, I was going to extend an invitation for dinner to you, Mr. Tanner, but obviously you aren't feeling up to company this evening." I could hear him try to cover up the hurt in his voice and I couldn't help wondering if he kept the expressionless face even when talking on the phone.

"Sorry, Ezra." I felt like a heel. "You're right, I don't feel much like company tonight. I didn't mean to lash out at ya. It's just that all the guys have been calling here tonight and darned if I know why I'm suddenly so popular."

He waited to answer, like maybe he was mulling something over. "No apology necessary, Mr. Tanner." I winced, wondering if he'd ever call me Vin. "I'll leave you to your evening. As far as the others are concerned," I heard him take a deep breath like he was gearing up to say something important. "Maybe their harassing behavior is the only way they know to show you that they care about you. Goodnight, Vin."

I moved slowly as I hung up and leaned back against the couch cushions again. They cared. I knew that, or at least I thought I did. There I was, frustrated that they were constantly bugging me and getting into my business, when what they were really trying to do was be there for me. I should have known better than to assume they were out to judge me. Tell me I was being an idiot maybe yeah, but that's what friends and family did, I supposed. If they didn't, who would? The irony of Ezra bringing that point to light was not completely lost on me either. It had taken us forever to get that man to let his guard down enough to realize we weren't out to take him down or make his life miserable. He still had a ways to go as far as trusting us, but obviously he was learning.

From that point on I quit waiting for the phone to ring. I scrounged up something to eat and went to bed, managing to sleep without any dreams that I remembered anyway. All I knew was that I had a handful of apologizing to do the next morning.

When I entered the office the next morning I knew they were watching me. Up until that point I had planned on apologizing or something but right then, I had no idea what to say. So I just handed Ezra the cup of fancy coffee I'd picked up for him on the way in and set the bag of donuts on Buck's desk. "Eat up." I smiled and nodded toward the bag.

Ezra watched me closely as I sat down across from him. "I'm sorry, Ezra," I started.

"No apologies necessary, Mr. Tanner." He smiled as he inhaled the aroma of the coffee. "Vin." He amended a moment later as if he'd suddenly remembered he was supposed to lose the formality.

I nodded. "Chris in?" I asked.

"Meeting with Judge Travis." JD explained handing me the donuts so I could pick one out for myself.

"I'm back." I looked up from the donuts to see Chris walking in the door. There was coolness in his expression but no anger.

"Can we talk a sec?" I asked motioning at his office.

He nodded and led the way. I ignored the raised eyebrows and curious looks of the others.

"Wanted to apologize for yesterday," I began as he closed the office door behind me.

"Yeah?" He moved around and sat on the corner of his desk.

"I over reacted a bit," I admitted.

"A bit?" He grinned and I shrugged.

"Didn't mean to butt in, was just concerned." He explained.

"Yeah, someone pointed that out," I responded.

Chris' eyes widened as he wondered what I meant. "Let's just say I figured some stuff out," I added.

Chris laughed lightly. "You alright then?"

"I suppose."

"Good."

I went back to my desk then and was just getting settled in when my phone rang. "Agent Tanner," I answered easily and totally unsuspecting.

"Vin."

"Charlotte." I think I about choked on her name. I know Ezra was certainly staring at me by then.

"I need to see you, Vin," She began with the pleading.

"I can't," I said with a sincerity that surprised me.

"What do you mean, you can't?" She sounded like she might get angry. "I need you, Vin."

"I'm sorry." I hung up, part of me not believing I'd actually said no. Had it really been a mere twelve hours since I was almost pacing beside the phone waiting for her to call me? What had changed my mind? Charlotte was my last link to my past; could I really give her up? I looked up then to see that everyone was watching me and trying not to look like they were watching me at the same time, and I knew my answer.

You always wanted
Your bed of roses
Congratulations you made it
On your own
And there you lay
In your bed of roses
With your lover
Made of stone

We were coming out of the conference room after a briefing of our next case when she showed up at the office. I suppose I should have expected it but she surprised me all the same.

There she was standing by my desk, looking as if she belonged there. Dressed more casually today in designer jeans and green blouse that highlighted the green in her hazel eyes. Her hair was pulled back on the sides, clasped in leather barrettes and giving her a more youthful appearance. She twisted her fingers into the edging of her sleeve, a nervous habit she'd had since forever. Her eyes met mine as I came up to her, the guys falling silent and moving quickly to their desks.

"You said, 'no'." She said simply.

Looking around I knew I did not want to have a conversation in the middle of the office so I took her gently by the elbow and led her to the break room. There was no door so I knew the others would probably hear us, but at least I didn't have to feel them making an effort not to watch us too.

"You said, 'no'," She repeated her statement, her eyes searching face for an explanation.

"Yeah I did." I leaned back against the countertop and crossed my arms in front of me.

"Why?" She sounded sorrowful, but her eyes flashed, betraying her.

"Because I wanted to. I meant it, Charlotte."

"No. You didn't. You couldn't. You always come," she stated factually.

"Not any more." I watched the emotions roll across her face, ending with anger.

"Why not?" she demanded.

I looked at the stained tile floor for a minute than back up at her. "I'm not willing to do this anymore."

"But you love me," she pointed out.

"I did."

That stopped her. She blinked rapidly then switched tactics again. " I need you, Vin." She stepped closer, into my space. She touched my hair, and looked up into my eyes, the way she had since she was ten.

Calmly, I ignored the emotions I was feeling. I put my hands on her shoulders and pushed her back a step. "You chose Will." I reminded her, letting my hands slide to her upper arms I pushed her back another step and moved to the other side of the room.

"Since when has Will bothered you?" she snapped, spinning around to face me again.

"Since the night you told me you were gonna marry him." I lost it then. "Damn it, Char, I loved you and you were the one to walk away from that. You wanted money and diamonds and roses, and you made your choice."

She was in front of me again. "Why does that matter now though? You never let it keep us apart before."

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, trying to collect my thoughts and push my emotions aside for the moment. It was killing me not to just take her in my arms and hold her, but I knew I couldn't. "It's been a long time since you've called me," I told her. "Over three years now and a lot has changed in my life. This," I waved toward the outer office "is a career I love. These men, they're more than co-workers. Char, they're friends, family."

"You always wanted a family," she whispered as she reached up, her fingers clutching at my shirt.

I felt my heart stop for a moment but then I noticed the light reflecting off her wedding ring. "I can't." Her fingers came up to cover my mouth, her last attempt to stop me from saying the words. I remembered the feeling so long ago when she told me about Richmond. I pulled away and continued. "You made your choice a long time ago, Charlotte." My voice grew stronger as I spoke. "You can't have it both ways anymore."

"If you let me go now, I'm not going to call again." She resorted to threatening me.

"I know." I pulled her business card from my pocket, looked at it once and then pressed it into the palm of her hand, curling her fingers up around it.

I left her there. Once again walking away but this time knowing without a doubt that my world wasn't falling apart. I didn't look at anyone in the office. My world might be fine and dandy, but I still needed fresh air right then so I made my way to the roof.

It's no secret I've always loved being outdoors. The city tends to make me feel penned in, but right then; the Denver skyline was beautiful. The wind whipped at me, giving me the sensation the if I ever stepped over the edge, I knew I'd fly, regardless of the laws of physics. I'm not sure how long I stood there before I knew Chris was up there with me. I looked over my shoulder at him. "Nice up here," I said.

He nodded. "You okay?" he asked.

"Seems you're asking that a lot lately, Cowboy." I smiled at him as he approached.

"Yeah, well." He looked out at the view before going on. "What made you walk away this time?"

"Realized that maybe I was using her just as much as she was using me." I could see his confusion so I went on. "I might have helped fill a void in her life, but she filled one in mine too. I always thought she was my last chance at a family."

"And . . . " Chris ran a hand through his hair, trying to tame it against the wind.

"Just realized I found a different family is all." Our eyes met and I knew he understood.

Looking out over the chaos of the city I smiled at the sun reflecting off the buildings with a blinding sparkle. Those sun sparkles were probably the closest thing I'd ever have to diamonds but with a peace that I hadn't felt in a very long time, I knew, it was more than enough. It was everything.

The End
Next story: One More Look