Josiah leaned on the pulpit, his head dangling down between his outstretched arms.
After Ezra left the church with the case of money he had returned to the little building.
Now he struggled with his self-doubts and insecurities.
The dream of the previous night had disturbed him deeply. Trying to make some sense out of all the vivid images he had gone over it in his mind again and again.
Josiah recognized at once that the setting and women dancing about him were inspired by illustrations from the Bible the traveling salesman left him.
However, it had truly stunned him when Mary appeared before him with the case of money in her hands.
He had believed in his arrogance he could not be tempted by the riches, having never been that fond of them to begin with.
His subconscious, however, knew better.
Such large amounts of money would tempt all but a few very upright men.
Josiah had not believed himself to be a good or virtuous man for a very long time but now he also realized he was not immune to the temptation of money.
The darkness he discovered in his soul never seemed to end.
Josiah shook his head and groaned.
His mind moved back once again to the dream sequence.
A picture of Mary rose before him.
Josiah squeezed his eyes shut.
What did it mean?
He'd never been aware of any feelings for her beyond friendship.
Once again, he scoured his soul, searching the dark depths.
He bent further over the pulpit, panting from wrestling with his demons.
Josiah began to feel a bit like Jacob wrestling with the angelonly these were demons and he devoutly wished they had stayed hidden in their dark corners.
No, even in that heretofore-unplumbed darkness he found nothing but the warm feelings of friendship.
Was it then what she representeda woman?
Mary was the only woman here he had much contact with.
With a crash the walls he had built all his life tumbled before his probing and it all became clear.
Today was indeed a day of revelations.
His mother had died when he was so young that he could barely even remember her.
His sister, Hannah, had been too preoccupied to either "mother" him or provide much female influence.
Josiah had blocked out his need for female affection during the earliest parts of his life.
His plans to enter the priesthood made it much simpler not to entertain thoughts of the gentler sex when he grew old enough to be interested in them as anything other than a mother or sister.
He had been fairly successful in suppressing flights of fancy or dreams during that time in his life.
Josiah had felt something break loose in his soul, all those years ago when he saw innocent women and children threatened by the banditos who had already slaughtered others.
Feelings he didn't even realize that he had rose to the surface and controlled his actions.
He only knew that children as well as women, those sweet gentle creatures, should be protected, cared for, cherishednot beaten, ripped and torn.
The actions he'd taken had ultimately caused him to leave the priesthood.
Josiah had been forced to redefine his entire life and beliefs.
Now, he discovered a deep well of need that he had not previously allowed himself to recognizea need for the affection and love of one of those sweet warm women.
He had been with women since leaving his priestly duties, usually of the paid variety, when his needs made themselves felt though like Buck he felt a deep respect for them.
Josiah heaved a deep sigh.
What woman would want an aging scarred wreck like him?
"No one," he concluded morosely.
"Well, that did a whole lot of good!"
he muttered to himself.
Just one more thing to wrestle with on a daily basis.
In the meantime, he turned his thoughts back to Ezra and the "apple" he had thrown his way.
He seemed to have been cast in the role of spiritual advisor to this motley crew of companions.
When he had walked towards the pulpit uttering his quote about evil men he had been speaking of and to himself.
Many deeds in his life he wasn't proud ofthings that haunted his dreams.
Unrighteous thoughts he had been addressing to Ezra.
However, the gambler wasn't listening and he didn't give him time to explain further.
Ezra was too sunk in feeling sorry for himself at the time, though to be sure he had some reason to do so.
Most of the others had been pretty hard on him at times.
They didn't see past Ezra's façade from the beginning as Josiah had.
He had watched him with the children in the Seminole village just after they had met and caught a glimpse of the tender heart Ezra protected avidly with his well-cultivated air of pecuniary interest.
Josiah had been forced to yell at him and speak some harsh words to get his attention.
He moaned and shook his head once again, hating it when he felt cornered into being hard on his friends.
Josiah had been so alone much of his life that these men who had accepted him into their midst were very dear to him - their friendship a precious thing to be cherished and nurtured.
The moment Ezra had begun to speak of his feelings Josiah had sensed his pain and confusion.
He knew he must do what he could to get him past this but had not wanted to be so rough with him when he was already hurting. Ezra, unfortunately, had been quick to jump to the conclusion that yet another friend was expressing doubt and mistrust.
The only way Josiah had been able to think of to get his attention on the spur of the moment was to grab him and yell at him.
Then he had thrown the "apple" at him in the form of the case of money thereby forcing him to confront his own demons.
Josiah had faith in Ezra and in the deep core of honor, loyalty and gentleness he knew lay deeply buried in the man.
He firmly believed that Ezra was not as self-interested as he appeared or even believed himself to be.
Josiah had begun to think that he used that appearance and his loudly voiced love of money to hide those finer qualities he possessed.
It had become such an ingrained habit to act as he did that Ezra no longer recognized what lay hidden behind many barriers within his own heart.
Only in moments around children and women when he momentarily let down his guard did his true self reveal itself.
Josiah ached for what pain he felt sure Ezra would go through in that battle but also believed the green-eyed gambler would come out of the experience a better man for a little self-knowledge.
He had told Ezra to blame himself and knowing him to be an intelligent man - dared hope that once the demons were faced he would realize that it was the façade he presented to his friends that caused the mistrust in the first place.
Once he found the courage to allow the others of the Seven to see his true heart the trust would comeno matter what face he presented the world.
Josiah looked upward.
"I realize you feel sure that you know what you're doing," he addressed his God, irony grating in his voice, "but I will not throw away what I have gained with these people so I would appreciate it if you would quit putting me in these situations!
I'll help them; as best I'm able.
I will support and encourage them.
I'll defend them to my dying breath, but don't expect me to hurt them any more!"
Josiah decided he would give Ezra a little time to start realizing just how entrenched his demons were before approaching him again.
He definitely wanted to keep a close watch on him for he knew first hand how difficult it could be dealing with the darkness that surfaced from your own soul.
Josiah hoped that Ezra would forgive his harsh words once he worked his way through this tempting situation.
He also planned to offer an apology for what he felt to be his ineptitude in handling the situation.
Surely there was some other way he could have handled it but if so that knowledge escaped him.
Josiah saw possibilities of great good in Ezra.
He also believed the best way to help his friend would be in getting him to cultivate that goodness.
Admitting it was there, first to himself, then to his friends; the other members of the Seven, would be the first step in that process.
In the meantime, he would keep as close an eye as possible on Ezra.
He would watch and hope for the man that he knew to be hidden deep inside to conquer his demons.
Josiah sighed deeply once more and moved to collect his jacket.
There were other crises facing the seven lawmen besides his and Ezra's demons.
For now, he would check with Chris and see if there was any new information on the assassin.
"Saving souls has its hazards, Ezra," he muttered as he went out the door of the little church.
The End
