Life Left Behind
Chris looked down at the closed bodybag and clenched his jaw. If one of Vin's kids hadn't called him he guessed he never would have found out. Good thing that they were smart enough to use the number he had left in case of emergency, he knew Vin wouldn't have called him.
"Where is he?" he asked softly and Ernesto silently pointed upwards. He belonged to the group of kids that Vin looked out for and he knew everything that happened in Purgatorio. Chris could see that he had tears in his eyes. Poor kid, this had to be hard for him.
Chris wanted to give him a comforting pat on the shoulder but stopped himself from doing it because he knew the kid would probably think it patronizing. Instead he just nodded briefly in thanks and started his long way up the stairs and on to the roof.
He should have known that Vin would take to the high ground to get some space to think. Vin was occupying one of a pair of rickety old chairs that had been placed near the ledge leading round the roof. He wasn't doing much, just looking out over the city that glittered like a gem from the lights of a million tiny lamps now that darkness had fallen.
"Saw you coming," Vin said without turning around. "Didn't need to come."
"I heard what happened, Vin."
Vin turned around slightly to look at him but his face was guarded and gave nothing away.
"All of Purgatorio probably knows by now," he commented dryly and turned back to his silent vigil.
Chris walked a few steps and settled himself, unbidden, on the one remaining chair.
"You can't save every kid in Purgatorio, Vin."
"No,"Vin said sharply. "But I could've saved her. If I'd only been here."
"Don't kid yourself. If she hadn't been in your apartment she'd have found some other place to be. The result would've been the same. She'd still have taken the overdose."
"Would she? I'm not so sure. I'm the only one without a lock on my door here, Chris. The kids trust me. Sometimes they just go there so they can escape home for a while, you know. They come to get some privacy or to get away from a beating. The kids know I'll leave them alone if they need to be alone, and it's a hell of a lot safer to be alone in my apartment than out on the street."
Vin's anger suddenly faltered. "Or at least I thought so," he concluded bitterly.
Vin closed his eyes, closed Chris out, but he couldn't escape from the scene that kept repeating itself behind his closed eyelids.
He had been away for several days, working a difficult case, and he badly needed some down time. Funny how such a thing as walking into your apartment after a long day at work could forever change your life. As soon as he opened the door he had seen her slumped on his couch in the darkness with his old leather jacket blanketing her slight form. He had thought she was sleeping but when he went to check on her she was cold, so cold that it seemed to leech the warmth out of his fingers when he touched her. As he pulled away the jacket he saw the syringe and smelled death. She must have been dead for at least a day, just sitting there dead in the darkness. On his couch.
He'd called it in and answered all their questions as best he could. Vin knew there would be more questions later since this had been a cop's apartment but no one seemed to think it was more than a common overdose and he had escaped up here while they removed her.
He knew what he would find once he got down there, he had seen it so many times before in so many places, ever since he was a kid. There was something about stepping into a room for the first time after death had been and gone. Looking around and seeing all the signs of life interrupted, of plans never fulfilled. He had learnt long ago to concentrate only on the job and not to feel too much. This time it was different. The room where death had visited was his, the one left behind to wonder was Vin. In his mind the ghost of Marisol was still there in his apartment and he knew she would never leave him now.
"Tell me about her." Chris's voice broke into his thoughts suddenly and Vin opened his eyes again. He never looked at Chris, instead he looked out over the city as he spoke.
"Marisol, she came here to live with her aunt. I don't know why, she didn't talk much, but I think she was abused in some way. She had so much going for her - 14 years old ... Damn...."
Vin's voice trailed off and Chris had to lean closer to hear Vin's bitter whisper, "Why is it always the best and the brightest?"
"It's not," Chris said dryly. "You know it's not. Sometimes it's the ones that won't be missed by anyone. Other times it's the ones that break your heart."
Vin gave him a long look and then he smiled but it was a brief, feral smile without any joy in it.
"Well, aren't you full of clichés tonight," he said quietly. "If you came here to cheer me up you're not doing a very good job of it. What are you doing here?"
"Ernesto called me."
Vin looked as if he had expected that answer. "I'll talk to that kid. He won't bother you again."
"It's no bother." Chris shrugged. He hesitated a bit but finally admitted, "I asked him to call."
Vin gave him a sharp look.
"You asked him to call?" It wasn't quite a question, more like a statement and Chris realized that he'd better tread very carefully from now on or they would both regret it.
"I'm not checking up on you, if that's what you think," Chris started slowly but was interrupted by Vin.
"Oh yeah? Then what are you doing?"
Chris was silent for a second as he asked himself the same question. He didn't want to give Vin the impression that he didn't trust him, it was just....
"I trust you, Vin," he said. "But I sure as hell don't trust this neighborhood!"
Vin seemed to relax a bit as he heard that and Chris let out a breath. Vin believed him. Good. He was almost startled when Vin suddenly spoke.
"There's a reason why they call this place Purgatorio. If you're lucky enough to get out of here heaven is waiting. If you're unlucky enough to have to stay here you might as well pack your bags and go straight to hell."
Chris studied Vin, trying to gauge his mood. He didn't seem angry, more like indifferent and that worried Chris. It was the ones that never talked that you had to keep an eye on. They would seem like nothing bothered them until one day they suddenly imploded and left a big gaping hole where they had been. One day when you least expected it they would step in front of a bullet or worse. Chris couldn't let that happen. Ever.
"Have you packed your bags, Vin? Is that what you're saying?"
"Nope, can't leave just yet. Still got some things to take care of here."
Chris didn't like the sound of that. What the hell was going on in Vin's head? Was he thinking about avenging Marisol by going after the crackdealers? Chris couldn't leave as long as he suspected that was the case.
"Vin, you ain't gonna do something stupid now..."
"Can't promise that, cowboy," Vin's voice was so low it was nearly a whisper.
"Let the law handle it."
"Yeah," Vin laughed bitterly. "We're all doing such a fine job of it down here, right?"
"Vin," Chris said firmly. "Let the cops handle it."
"Is that an order?"
"I can make it one if you like."
"And then you can have my badge." There was an edge to Vin's voice that Chris had never heard before. There was a challenge behind Vin's words that Chris knew he couldn't back down from. Well, if Vin wanted a fight he'd get one.
"Oh, yeah?" Chris softly taunted Vin. "What you gonna do then, cowboy? Kill a few dealers and let them kill you? That'll be real helpful to the kids down here."
"Shut up!" Vin said with rising fury in his voice but Chris was merciless.
"Stop feeling sorry for yourself and being angry at the world, Vin. It ain't helping anyone."
"You don't know anything about that!" Vin exploded. "Maybe I need to be angry for a while! Maybe I'm sick of all this! You don't know know me well enough to tell me what to do!"
"Maybe not." Chris calmly stood his ground. "But I know about darkness. Once you've touched it, once you know it's there ... you're never the same again."
Their eyes locked in silent combat of wills and then Vin suddenly lowered his and gave in. He felt ashamed of his outburst. If anyone on this earth could ever understand how he felt right now it was Chris Larabee.
"You wanna quit, Vin?" Chris said abruptly.
"I - " for a second Vin hesitated and Chris could barely breathe until he heard Vin resolutely say, "No."
"You wanna get out of here?"
"Where would I go?" Vin said resignedly. "I know this place. I don't always like how it works but that's just the way it is. It's like a law of nature here. Can't stop the snow from falling. Can't stop the kids from dying."
"Vin-"
"I know. I'm fine." With some of his anger burned out Vin looked tired. The guarded look was still there in his eyes but he sounded like he meant it when he quietly stated, "I'm okay."
Chris decided to let it rest for now and they sat in silence for a while, both of them lost in their own thoughts.
"So, what you gonna do then?" Chris finally asked.
Vin took a deep breath, rubbed his hands over his face and combed his fingers through his hair.
"I'm gonna find a place to sleep," he said determinedly. "Tomorrow I'm gonna throw out the couch."
"You could always crash at the ranch," Chris offered as he rose from the chair and turned to go.
"Thanks, but I got friends here. I think I need to see them right now."
"Okay." Chris nodded his acceptance. "You can take the day off tomorrow."
"Don't need to."
"All right." Chris knew better than to fight with the man. "Call me if you change your mind."
"I won't," Vin replied stubbornly.
"Vin ..." Chris weighed his words carefully. " ... it's too easy to put up walls and crawl behind them and shut everything out. The thing is ...you can shut out almost anything except the darkness, but you never know that until it's too late. And once you're in there it's almost impossible to get out again."
He gave Vin's shoulder a brief squeeze for support. For friendship.
"I'd hate to see that happen," Chris said quietly. "You're too good a man for that, my friend."
Vin stayed silent and listened until the sound of Chris's footsteps had faded. He shivered suddenly. It was as if there was a block of ice in his gut and he couldn't tell if the ice was melting or spreading. All he really knew was that it hurt.
He waited until he was sure Chris had driven away before he stood up and leaned against the ledge so he could take a real good look out over his neighborhood. In his mind he could still hear a quiet echo of Chris's words, "You can't save every kid in Purgatorio, Vin."
Maybe not. He hadn't been able to save Marisol from her own need to experience everything firsthand. There were a lot of other kids here that needed someone and reached out for anyone.
He knew what that was like. He'd used to wish that someone would reach out for him when he was their age instead of hauling him around from foster home to foster home. There was this need in him now, to set things right, to make a better childhood for the kids down here who all had so little to start with.
Maybe he couldn't save them all.
But his heart knew one thing and one thing only - that he had to at least try
Vin stood there for a while with his eyes closed and just listened to the sirens and music and street sounds that made up the great beating heart that was Purgatorio.
END