Hearts Divided
Part 2 of the Hearts trilogy. Follows Change of Heart.
The ride back home from Whiskey Creek was a long one. Chris and Vin rode in silence most of the time. Chris was aware they had a lot to sort out between them, but neither man knew how or where to begin.
Vin pointed to a grove of trees. Chris nodded. The horses needed a rest, and so did they.
Chris took off his hat, wiped his brow, and sat down under the trees. The past few days had been long ones. He watched Vin tend to his horse, then slowly walk over to him. He could see the desire smoldering in Vin's eyes when he looked at him.
Chris felt a lump in his throat. Vin knelt beside him, and smiled. He reached out a hand to touch Chris's hair. Putting his hand on the back of Chris's head, he leaned closer, bringing his mouth to Chris's. Chris reached up to entwine his fingers in Vin's long tendrils. He felt as if his lips were on fire from the heat of Vin's kiss, even as Vin's tongue slid into his mouth.
And Chris could feel the heat rise, unbidden, in his own body. Vin carefully unbuttoned Chris's shirt, then slipped in a hand to gently caress his chest and tease his nipples. Chris shifted uncomfortably as his erection strained in his pants.
Vin must have sensed it. He nuzzled Chris's neck as he reached down to brush his fingertips against the hardness between Chris's legs.
Chris's mind whirled. He knew where all this was leading and he wasn't sure if that was what he really wanted. Now that they had done what they'd done...what? It had felt so right at the time. When he was alone with Vin, whatever they did or said seemed right. Chris had never been really sure of what he wanted in life, but now he was more confused than ever. He wondered if Vin was going through the same thing. He had to be.
And all this started when he was...attacked. Violated. He wasn't sure he knew who he was anymore. He'd been raped by one man and had sex with another in just the past few days. He wasn't that kind of man! Was he? Were either of them? He had never thought so, never thought that of Vin, yet here they were...
Chris brushed Vin's hand aside and stood up abruptly. Neither man said anything for a long time, but Chris knew Vin was studying him.
"Chris..." Vin reached up to lightly touch his arm. Chris flinched. "You okay?"
Chris couldn't meet his eyes. No, he wasn't okay. Nothing was okay. His whole world had been tilted and now nothing looked the same.
"Chris, don't shut me out." He stood up and tried to put his hand on Chris's shoulder, but Chris quickly knocked his hand away.
"What did we do back there?" he demanded angrily. "What the hell did we do?"
"WE didn't do anything we didn't want to do."
The anger, frustration and guilt boiled up in him. "First I let him-- "
"--You didn't let him do anything!"
"--and then you--"
Vin looked as if he'd been punched in the gut. His eyes flashed angrily. "Oh, no, you don't, Larabee! The guy who raped you is back there! Dead."
Chris looked at him in disgust. "And you watched it all, didn't you..."
"Who kissed who first? Tell me that!"
Chris's fist suddenly connected with Vin's jaw in a blow that sent him to the ground. Vin tried to check his fall with his hands, then winced in pain, clutching his wounded arm. Finally, he looked up at Chris and rubbed his jaw. Chris stood there, his fists clenched, waiting for him to strike back, even as he saw the look of resignation in his eyes.
"I can't change the past, Chris," Vin said softly. "Neither can you."
Chris didn't move as that sunk in. No, he couldn't. He couldn't change a damn thing. Finally his shoulders sagged as he spun on his heel and walked over to his horse. His hands shook as he stood there, buttoning his shirt.
He suddenly felt...lost. Deep down he knew Vin had to share that same sense of disconnectedness, but still he felt alone as he struggled to cope with all that had happened to him.
Vin paused, then said softly, "Do you want to forget about what happened...between us?"
Chris had started to get on his horse, then abruptly stopped. How could he forget? It had been...incredible. The intimacy, the sex. And Vin. Just being with him like that. For all that it might mean, it had been like nothing he'd ever experienced. Could he honestly forget something like that? Did he really want to?
"No," he said at last, turning to look at him. " I--No."
Vin scanned the distant horizon around them. "What if we didn't go back? What if we just went someplace else? Someplace nobody knows us and we can just be...alone."
Chris shook his head. "Town's countin' on us."
"Hell, they got five other guys."
"I know. But it's been a long time since I've called anyplace 'home.'"
Vin nodded in understanding. "I ain't never called anywhere home."
"We'd best get goin', then."
When they returned to town, the two men separated. Chris watched as Vin headed for his wagon, then kicked his own horse into motion, looking forward to some sleep. He dropped his saddlebags wearily on the floor of his room, pulled off his boots and spurs, stripped to his pants, and fell back on the bed. Within seconds he was asleep.
The next morning Chris woke early. He needed a bath, he thought, as he picked up some clean clothes. He needed to scrub away the past few days. Come out of it all clean and new.
There was only one other man in one corner of the steam-filled room when Chris arrived. That was fine with him. It was as close to privacy as he'd get.
He quickly undressed and settled into the hot water. Chris picked up the soap and began to scrub. Hard.
Slowly, his tired and aching body relaxed. He sank deeper into the water, and closed his eyes, not bothering to open them when he heard someone come in. Water tickling his bottom lip brought his thoughts back into focus. He opened his eyes with a start and looked around.
The new man was in a far corner of the room, preparing for his own ablutions. He was slightly bent over, his back to Chris, as he began to undress.
Vin.
Obviously they'd felt the same need for a bath. And at the time, too. Chris watched him as he slowly peeled off his clothes. He noted the lean, hard legs, the smooth contour of his buttocks, the tightly-muscled back. Chris groaned inwardly as the thought of applying soapy water to the smooth, tanned skin formed in his mind. His body was starting to react, too. And here of all places. Where they weren't alone.
Vin still seemed unaware of Chris's presence. As he turned, Chris quickly grabbed a large wash rag to conceal his hardness in the water. Vin nodded wordlessly at Chris in acknowledgement, then turned away.
Chris cursed silently to himself. Now what was he going to do? His erection seemed to have no intention of abating anytime soon. Luckily, he didn't have long to worry. He waited as the stranger in the corner ended his bath, put on his clothes and left.
Keeping his back to Vin, Chris stood, hastily towelled off, and dressed. When he turned around, Vin was eyeing him curiously. Chris felt like he should say something, but just as he opened his mouth to speak, Buck suddenly strolled in.
"Howdy, boys." He grinned wolfishly at both of them, as he started to remove his hat, coat, and guns. "Looks like we all had the same idea. A little dalliance with some fine lady and then a nice, hot bath." He paused and looked at each of them. "Say, ain't seen you boys in a couple of days. Musta been some ladies. Don't suppose they got a friend for ol' Buck here?"
"Mind yer own business, Buck," said Vin.
Chris shot a look at him as Buck grinned wider.
"Well, 'scuse me. Just askin'." He nudged Chris with his elbow. "C'mon. Tell me. What was she like?"
"Shut up, Buck."
Buck looked at each of them quizzically, then shrugged and set about to preparing for his own bath. Vin glanced up to meet Chris's eyes, but Chris didn't look at him. Instead he left the two men alone and headed out onto the street.
After the encounter with Buck, Chris avoided Vin and the others for most of the day. He just preferred keeping his own company right now. It wouldn't go unnoticed, he knew, but no one said anything to him about it. They just stayed out of his way.
Chris ate his supper at the jailhouse. Things were quiet there, so he was able to be alone. At least for the moment. He had just swallowed the last bite of his meal when Vin walked in. It was clear there was something on the ex-bounty hunter's mind, and Chris could guess what it was. Never a man to mince words, Vin came right to the point.
"I need to know where I stand with you."
"Vin--"
"You been avoidin' me all day." He started to pace while he struggled to find the words. "I never...never...EVER... But...I can't get what we done outta my mind." Finally he stopped and turned to look into Chris's eyes. "I still...want you, Chris. I dunno, maybe more now."
There it was. Chris looked at him, trying to keep his face expressionless.
"We can't," he said evenly. "We can't ever again."
"You sayin' you don't feel the same way about me?"
Chris could see the hurt, the loss and frustration in Vin's eyes.
"Ain't sayin' that. I'm just sayin' we can't. You know why."
"Just like that, huh? You decided for both of us and it's just that easy." Vin turned and stormed from the jail.
Chris hadn't moved from where he sat behind the desk. Damn. There had been no way to avoid hurting him, and although he knew that Vin understood, it didn't make Chris feel any better. He leaned back and sighed. The stiffness he'd felt in his groin when Vin first came in was long gone now.
The door opened again and he looked up in anticipation. JD didn't see the disappointment that flashed through Chris's eyes for just an instant.
"What do you want," he snapped. He didn't mean to, but JD just happened to be there.
JD looked surprised. "Come to relieve ya. Couldn't sleep anyway, so I figured I'd make myself useful, maybe do you a favor. But, hey, if you don't want me to, I'll--"
Chris's tone softened. "No. Thanks, JD. It's all yours."
Back in his room, Chris stretched out on the bed and looked at the ceiling. He felt almost as if he were wearing someone else's skin. He took several swigs of whiskey, lit a cheroot and lay back trying to collect his jumbled thoughts. The bath that morning hadn't helped at all. It hadn't washed away the fact that he'd been raped, and in front of someone he knew. He tried to push the memory of that incident out of his mind but, whenever he did, it was replaced by thoughts of Vin.
Vin and what they'd done together.
When they were in Whiskey Creek, they were alone and nothing else mattered. The guys, hell, the rest of the world seemed as distant and unimaginable as the moon. But they were home now. Chris wanted to be able to forget it all and yet he wanted to remember every second, every detail of their time alone. But when he thought of those moments, his body would respond with a yearning, aching need as if his body knew what his mind was trying to deny.
He wanted Vin.
Chris took another swallow of whiskey and shook his head if trying to clear it. They had to forget. A man can't go carryin' on like that, doin' things like that with other men. And yet it wasn't just any other man. It was Vin. Chris took another huge swallow of whiskey, nearly choking as he did so. Somehow it wasn't providing the solace he'd hoped for.
He took a long draw on the cheroot and exhaled the smoke slowly. He was finally starting to feel the whiskey, finally feeling sleepy. From his place on the bed, he gazed out the window. His eyelids felt so heavy...
He was in the center of town and Donovan was raping him all over again, this time in front of what looked like the whole town. Vin stood nearby, apart from eveyone else, watching expressionlessly as the crowd cheered.
Chris sat up in bed, coughing and sweating. The room, particularly around the bed, was in flames. He choked against the blinding smoke, his lungs and throat already in searing pain. His eyes watered so much that he couldn't see. He jumped out of bed and tried to grope his way out, desperate to draw air into his burning lungs.
Where the hell was the door? He hit something solid at last. Chris felt along the wall, trying to make his way to the door. By now he was breathing in the thick smoke and starting to feel lightheaded. He yanked the door open and collapsed in the hall. And then the world went dark.
He came to slowly. It was if he were underwater. He labored to breathe, only to punctuate each breath with a fit of coughing that shook his entire body.
"Easy, Chris," said Nathan.
Chris looked around. He was at Nathan's, all right, and it looked to be morning. JD was there, whose worried look was only surpassed by Buck's.
"He gonna be all right?"
"Don't know yet. Pro'bly. Don't know how much damage there was. Good thing y'all got to 'im when you did."
Chris's throat ached horribly and his voice was little more than a raspy whisper. "Vin...? Where's Vin? Gotta--" He struggled to get up even as Nathan was holding him down.
"Now, you don't gotta do nothin' right now but stay right there--"
"VIN!"
"Chris, stop that! You'll tear your throat up!" Nathan glanced over his shoulder at JD. "Go fetch Vin. He ain't gonna settle down till he sees him."
JD ran out the door as Nathan tried to soothe Chris. "JD's gone to get 'im. You keep fightin' me and I'll have to give you somethin' to settle you down."
Chris barely heard him. He had to see Vin. Had to talk to him. He tried again to rise.
"Buck, hold 'im for me."
Chris choked as a sweet-tasting liquid was forced down his throat. He stopped struggling when another coughing fit began.
JD hurried back inside. "He's gone. Completely. He can't have been gone long, though. Casey says she saw him less than an hour ago, heading out of town."
Gone? He couldn't be! Chris had to go find him. He started once more to get up but now he was feeling the effects of the laudanum Nathan had given him. Damn that Nathan! It wasn't long before Chris was somewhere between relaxed and asleep.
When his head cleared, it felt like midday. Chris turned his head. He found Nathan by the little stove. He must have been keeping an eye on Chris, for he immediately came over to him.
"Welcome back. Sorry I had to do that to ya, but I done tol' ya to stop fightin' me. Your throat's bad enough, and I 'spect they can hear ya breathin' all the way over in Ridge City." Nathan smiled. "You want anything? Some water?"
Chris shook his head. He wanted Vin, but he knew he couldn't say that.
"Some food?"
Chris considered this a moment, then nodded.
"Right. I'll be right back then. You stay put, now."
Chris did.
Just long enough to make sure Nathan was gone.
He didn't have much time. Chris threw back the blanket. He stood up for barely a moment when his legs folded beneath him, and he sat abruptly on the floor. He managed to get unsteadily to his feet and dress, despite the way the room continued to tilt. A few staggering steps, and he was leaning heavily against the door jamb as another coughing fit subsided. He took a few deep breaths as his head began to clear, and then slipped out the door.
Vin was probably headed for Tascosa, he thought, as he rode out of town. He'd always said he'd go back there one day. Vin was probably a three-hour ride away by now, if not more. Chris's lungs were already protesting the extra physical exertion it had taken to get him out of bed and into the saddle, but he hurried anyway.
It was an agonizing three or four hours later when Chris spotted the lone rider in the distance. It was getting harder to catch his breath and the landscape continued to waver in front of his eyes. With one hand he gripped the saddlehorn as he rode out another coughing fit. He wanted to catch up to Vin, but with his difficulty breathing, it was unlikely. And calling to him was definitely out of the question. Finally, he drew his Colt and fired into the air.
He saw Vin stop his horse, turn, and then stand there, waiting. Chris kicked his horse into a canter. Vin watched him warily as Chris rode up and dismounted, then he, too, dismounted.
"Vin--" he rasped. There was so much he wanted to say, but another coughing fit wracked his body. This time was worse. This time it didn't seem to end and he couldn't draw a breath. Pinpoints of light danced before his eyes.
"Chris?" Vin was looking at him worriedly. "What the hell--?"
Just as he blacked out, Chris felt Vin catch him in his arms.
Chris became dimly conscious of being on horseback. Someone's arms were around him, keeping him upright in the saddle. Without looking, he knew it was Vin. He could feel Vin's body against his back, supporting him, solid and warm, and it felt good just to know he was there, even as Chris passed in and out of awareness. His lungs and chest ached, and he was glad to relax in Vin's arms.
The next thing Chris was aware of was being on his back and hearing Vin's voice...and...Nathan's?
"...brought 'im back...didn't like the way he's breathin'...what the hell happened..."
"...lucky to be alive...if his airway doesn't swell...twenty-four hours..."
It didn't make much sense to Chris, his head still fogged from the shallow breathing he was forced to do, so he focussed instead on just drawing air in and letting it out one breath at a time. Tracking Vin down had exhausted him, and the urge to sleep again was overwhelming.
When Chris came back to consciouness again it was dark. Nathan's again. He remembered going after Vin and then...then he wasn't sure. He thought he'd found him. Had he dreamed it? He lifted his head and looked around. On a cot nearby, someone was curled up on his side, his back to Chris.
Vin? Chris's heart constricted. Had something happened to him? His eyes darted around the room, searching for Nathan.
"He's all right, Chris. He's just tired. He ain't left here in over a day."
A day? Had he really been unconscious all that time? And Vin...
Chris turned back to Vin, watching him sleep. He was back, but was he here to stay? Chris started to cough again. Vin stirred but didn't awaken.
"You slept a good long while this time. You feelin' any better?"
"Better," he whispered.
"Ezra got you a room, but I don't want you goin' there 'less you feel up to it."
Chris nodded.
"I'll take 'im," Vin said suddenly, over his shoulder.
He sounded wide awake. Nathan turned in surprise, obviously believing as Chris did, that Vin was sound asleep. "Sure?"
"I'll look after 'im, Nathan," he said, before going back to sleep.
Chris looked at Vin questioningly, but said nothing.
The room was much like Chris's old room. Ezra and Josiah had salvaged most of his few belongings and had already moved them into the room for him. Vin waited by the door as Chris quickly took in his new surroundings.
"Well, I'll be goin'," Vin said at last.
"Leavin' again?" Chris's voice was still little more than a weak whisper, but it was slowly getting stronger.
Vin shrugged. "Got no reason to stay."
"I want you to." He took a step closer and kissed Vin softly.
Vin hesitated, then pulled away. "You sure this time? I can't go through that again, Chris. You know how I feel. If I'm stayin', it has to be because you feel the same way about me."
Chris kissed him again, this time his lips tugged lightly at Vin's earlobe. "I want you to stay," he whispered.
"Then show me."
Chris gently began to undress him. "What do you want?" he asked, nuzzling Vin's neck.
Vin hesitated, blushing slightly. "I want to feel...what you felt...last time we..."
Chris nodded, then paused, as he began to cough again. This tme was not so bad, but Vin still looked at him, his brow creased in a worried frown.
"You sure you're up to this, Cowboy?"
Chris grinned and placed Vin's hand on his erection, which was now throbbing in his pants.
"Guess so," Vin said with a sigh, as he removed the rest of his clothing. "Well, let's take it easy, anyway, okay?"
Chris quickly undressed and joined him on the bed. He ran his hands over Vin's smooth chest, gently teasing each nipple with his teeth. He ran the tip of his tongue down the length of Vin's torso. Chris looked at Vin's swollen member and touched it with his tongue as Vin had done to him all those nights ago. Vin squirmed and sighed.
Wanting to take his time, Chris smiled and adjusted his position so he could suckle Vin's earlobe. Vin groped for the night table and the small package of ointment he'd used before.
Suddenly Chris rolled away from Vin, his body seized in another coughing fit. Chris knew he was getting better, but damn it, the fits were still coming, just less frequently. Vin was looking at him with concern. As the coughing subsided, Vin sat up and gently took Chris by the shoulders. He eased him back against him until he was cradling Chris's upper body in his arms.
"Can you breathe better now?"
Chris nodded, still trying to catch his breath. He didn't tell Vin that what position he was in didn't seem to matter.
"We're not doing anything if you're not up to it," Vin said with finality.
Chris's voice was raw again. "No, I want to." He glanced up at Vin. "I don't want you leavin' again," he said quietly.
Vin gazed at him thoughtfully, wrapping his arms a little tighter around Chris. "I ain't goin' nowhere." He hesitated. "When you came after me, and then...I didn't know what'd happened...You shouldn't have done that, Chris."
"You shouldn't have left."
Vin took a deep breath before continuing. "I can't stay here and be around you and pretend that nothing's happened between you and me."
"You got to."
Vin nodded. "Around the others. But--like now--I can't ignore the way I feel when we're alone."
"I don't want you to. Not any more." Chris hadn't realized it at the time, but it had actually frightened him to think that Vin had left for good, as if something important had been ripped out of him.
"You sure this time? If we do...if we do that again...I don't want to feel like I've...forced you. Back there, when he...when you were..." He hesitated, clearly uncertain how to proceed.
"--raped--" Chris interjected. Finally he'd said it.
Vin nodded. "When it was happening, I wasn't thinking about that. I felt so helpless to stop him from hurting you, I had to think of something else...so I was thinking--"
"I know."
"Do ya?"
Chris could hear the urgency in Vin's voice.
"Yeah," he whispered. He did now, anyway. He felt Vin's lips brush against his hair. Vin just seemed to belong in his world and in his life somehow. When Chris had been told he was gone for good, it was as if someone had punched him in the stomach.
They lay there in a comfortable silence for several minutes.
Vin kissed him again, his lips slightly parted, and Chris slipped his tongue into Vin's mouth. Every nerve ending in his body was tingling. Vin gently rolled on top of him, put some ointment on his hand, and began to apply it to Chris's shaft, now fully engorged and aching with need.
Chris moaned softly. "You keep that up and it'll be over before it starts," he said huskily.
Vin said nothing, but his grin widened. He positioned himself over Chris who could feel the tip of his penis pressing against Vin's backside. Chris watched Vin's face as Vin lowered himself onto Chris, struggling to allow him entry into the virgin passage. After what seemed like several minutes, the head finally breached the tight opening. Vin didn't move, except for taking a few deep breaths.
"You all right?"
Vin nodded. Chris could see this position wasn't going to be easy for him as Vin tried to keep his balance on the soft bed. He rolled Vin beneath him, the tip of him still embedded in Vin's body. Chris eased his length into Vin's anus, watching his face change from apprehension to intense pleasure as Vin gasped and bucked underneath him.
Chris paused when the entire length of him was finally in. Was this how he had been for Vin? All tightness and heat like this? He resisted the urge to start thrusting right away. Vin had taken his time with Chris, even allowing for the fact that he'd been brutally raped. Chris wanted very much to return the favor.
"Still all right?"
Vin sighed contentedly, then began to moan as Chris increased his pace. Vin's hands clutched at handfuls of bedsheet as Chris pulled out almost to the tip and then thrust deeply in, connecting with Vin's pleasure spot with nearly every stroke.
The tightness of Vin's anus dragged along Chris's shaft as he plunged into Vin's heated depths. Chris was enjoying Vin's reaction as they gave themselves over completely to the incredible sensations each man's body was feeling. Chris could no longer delay the inevitable. He climaxed with a passionate cry, as his whole body seemed to melt into Vin in a ball-shattering orgasm.
He felt the ring of muscle flex and knew Vin was about to come. Suddenly, on an impulse, Chris pulled out of him just as Vin came. He lowered his head, closed his mouth around the shiny purple head of Vin's penis and swallowed, tasting for the first time the sweet, creamy essence of him. As Vin began to soften, Chris kissed the warm, pink tip and rolled onto his back beside Vin.
Chris pulled the sheets up over both of them. The two men lay side by side, sated and content, for several minutes.
Finally Chris quietly reached down under the sheets and began to stroke Vin's half-hard shaft back into full erection. He looked into Vin's face and grinned wickedly.
"Is that mine or yours?"
"Yours," Vin answered dreamily. "Definitely yours." He gently took Chris's hand and placed it on his chest, near his heart. "This, too," he said softly.
Chris smiled. It was all he could have wanted. He kissed Vin with real heat, still tasting him on his tongue. He put his arm around Vin as both men fell asleep.
The End
Continues in Hearts Laid Bare