Dark Night of the Soul
One by one they sauntered into the saloon. The day showed every intention of becoming miserable. The air had a cold nip to it and the dark gray skies threatened snow. Chris was sitting up at the bar, downing a whisky. The others looked first at him, then at each other and shrugged. Chris' moods were as hard to decipher as the weather lately. They settled down to a hearty breakfast. Vin, worried about Chris hollered over.
"Hey Pard reckon you want to join us? "
Chris looked at them with hard, blue eyes and shook his head.
Ezra flashed his golden toothed grin. "Apparently Mr. Larabee prefers his morning repast to be entirely liquid."
Chris flew out of his chair so fast it toppled over, he grabbed the lapel of Ezra's jacket in his fist.
"Why don't you just mind your own business and stop speculating about mine."
He snarled in a loud command.
Vin jumped up and put his hand on Chris' arm.
"Easy Pard, Ezra didn't mean nothing by it."
Chris shook off Vin's hand and turned without as much as a look at the others. He strode out of the saloon. Ezra indignantly straightened his mussed up collar.
Vin got up to go after him but Buck grabbed his jacket.
"Let him go Vin, you know when he's like this he wants to be alone."
"I'm not so sure Buck, he'll get himself into trouble, if we don't stop him. That rage of his just builds up."
Buck sadly shook his head. "You're right but lets just leave him alone for a little while."
Josiah had gotten up and was standing at the windows. "Chris just rode out of town."
Vin let out a worried sigh. Even Buck now got a worried look in his blue eyes.
"Chris should have more sense than to go out when the sky looks as it does."
The remaining six with somber faces went about their business until near noon when a blustery wind kicked up.
"This is going to be really bad once the snow kicks in, there won't be no tracks to follow." Vin observed. "I'm going after him."
"Count me in." nodded Josiah.
"Me too." responded Nathan.
"Well , hell don't forget about me." grinned Buck.
"Or me" chimed in J.D. "Sorry Casey." He apologized to Casey who had just walked in. She was spending a couple of days in town with Mary. "I have to go." Casey nodded, understanding J.D.'s loyalty to his friends.
Ezra sat fingering his cards nonchalantly not making eye contact with any of them. Vin however didn't let him off that easy.
"Ezra what about you?"
With great reluctance, Ezra pocketed his cards turned those sea green eyes on Vin and gave a short nod.
They mounted up, Buck and J.D. headed North, Nathan went South, Josiah headed East and Ezra and Vin went West but they split taking slightly different routes.
As Ezra rode along restlessly, he muttered to himself. "How fortuitous for Mr. Larabee to have such good friends who trouble themselves to see to his constant well being and he doesn't even appreciate it."
Deep down he knew that Chris did appreciate it but Chris' reaction from this morning still bothered him. He hadn't deserved that. He thought by now he had proven himself and been really accepted. He knew justifiably Chris hadn't trusted him for awhile after he ran out on them while protecting the Indian village but since then he had put his life on the line numerous times for them, especially that one time trying to save Chris' father in law. He grimaced and involuntarily shuddered as icy wind blew up and through him.
"Oh isn't this just lovely". Ezra observed as the snow started coming down. Realizing the seriousness of the situation, a blizzard and no shelter, Ezra considered turning around. He then realized that Nettie Wells' house was a little further up. The snow was coming down hard at this point and made seeing difficult. He finally spotted the house, smoke rose out the chimney in a most inviting way. He put his horse into the barn. Teeth chattering and shivering he headed towards the door. He hoped Mrs. Wells didn't hold it against him that he had once called her a wizened crone.
As he was about to knock, a noise from behind startled him. Chris' black horse stood there with an empty saddle. Ezra grabbed the reins of the poor, wet beast and let him to the barn. After securing a blanket around him, he saddled up his own horse again and he hurried to try and see the hoof prints.
He wished Vin had come with him. Vin could have located them right away, as it was precious moments were lost. Finally he saw a trail into a grove of trees shadowed by huge mountain lion tracks.
It was hard to see anything with the way the snow was coming down and as it was he almost missed the gunslingers prone form under a tree.
"Chris" he ran over to him, shaking him. Chris appeared to have a cut on his forehead that was bleeding into the snow. Ezra removed his scarf and tied it around Chris' wound. Getting his hands under his shoulders he dragged him up and over his horse and headed towards the cabin, it was tough going and a number of times, the horse stumbled and almost lost his footing.
Finally he made it back to Netties, knocking on the door. She opened it startled.
"Good lord boy, come on in quick."
Ezra pulled Chris inside, the smell of fresh coffee drifted throughout the cabin. Nettie brought a cot over to the fireplace and Ezra laid him down on it while trying to revive him.
"Come on Mr. Larabee wake up." He lightly slapped him but was rewarded with only a groan. He checked him over as best as he could, wishing that Nathan was there, but there didn't seem to be any broken bones or other injuries.
Chris tossed in his sleep groaning like something was tormenting him. Nettie brought out thick quilts and put them over Chris while Ezra went out to take care of his horse.
Upon re-entering, Nettie commented: "Mr. Standish help yourself to some coffee."
Ezra was about to go into the kitchen, for the thought of hot coffee was very appealing as he couldn't seem to stop shivering but Chris words stopped him.
"Nooo please don't let it be true, no no." Chris ramblings ended in a sob.
Ezra was stunned. A show of such emotions was something he had never seen coming from Mr. Larabee and it greatly upset him. Whatever Chris was enduring it was tearing at his soul.
"Hush son," Nettie tentatively put her hand on Chris' forehead, the gunslinger was always so fierce and didn't exactly encourage any physical or emotional contact.
She glanced at Ezra who much to her amazement, showed a great deal of concern. Worry was etched on his face, as he took one of Chris' hands in his own as a show of comfort.
"There, there Mr. Larabee, its all right you're safe now, you were just having a bad dream."
Chris came to with a start. Every inch of his body was in agony, as sharp knives poked him all over. Ezra was leaning over him holding his hand and with the other trying to keep him down on the cot.
"Mr. Larabee you've been out in the cold for a long time and you are no doubt suffering from some frost bite. Now take it easy and just rest."
The pain in his body from the frost bite and pain in the hip from landing on a log, and the dull ache in his head clouded his mind and made him lash out at an undeserving Ezra.
"Get your hands off me, why did you follow me! You have no right interfering in my life, I can't rely on you anyway." He paused, then snarled. "Not even your own mother could that's why she always left you behind."
Ezra's eyes widened and he noticeably stiffened. He opened his mouth to say something, then swallowed heavily. He broke eye contact got up and walked out of the cabin.
As Chris' head cleared, he noticed Nettie standing before him with fury in her eyes.
"Now you listen here Mr. Larabee, I haven't been particularly fond of Mr. Standish but he was nigh frozen himself when he hauled you in here. I've never seen him so worried about anyone before. You had no right speaking to him that way, you should be ashamed of yourself!"
Chris had never seen Mrs. Wells so furious before, not even when her land was about to be stolen. He groaned. She was right of course, he didn't know why he lashed out as Ezra like that, he was lucky that Mrs. Wells hadn't cuffed his ears.
Ezra had gone out into the freezing cold to get away from his angry, unjustified words. He had to make it right. Still feeling dizzy and shaky he got up, the sharp pains vibrated through his feet and legs and he inhaled sharply.
"You stay put." Mrs. Wells ordered him.
He responded through gritted teeth. "No I'll get him, its my fault he's out there."
His hip ached almost unbearably as waves of pain washed over him. He thought he'd be sick but managed to take a few deep breaths to feel a little better. Mrs. Wells helped him to the door berating him all the way.
Meanwhile Ezra stood outside shivering. 'I'm insane standing out here in the freezing cold'. Why did Chris' remarks bother him so much, he wanted to respond but a lump had formed in his throat. All his life he'd been abandoned and uncared for. Apparently nothing had changed even though he'd worked very hard to try to attain some respect. The door beside him suddenly opened and Chris stood there somewhat hunched over.
"Ezra please come back in, you'll freeze out here." Guilt washed over Chris as he saw the pain in the gambler's blue green eyes.
For a moment Ezra was tempted to resist, but it really was freezing and Chris shouldn't be out here let alone up on his feet. Seeing the undeniable guilt on Chris' face swayed him and that instant he forgave him.
"All right Mr. Larabee you need to get back into bed"
Chris nodded, then quickly added in so soft a voice that Ezra barely caught it.
"I'm sorry Ezra" as a painful chill shuddered through him.
Chris turned and took a few halting steps before a wave of dizziness overcame him. The last thing he felt was the sensation of falling and shadows reaching out to catch him before he connected to the hard floor.
"Oh, Mr. Larabee you really shouldn't have become mobile." Ezra picked him up by the shoulders and hauled him back on the cot.
"He was feeling very bad for what he said to you, wanted to go out and apologize to you." Nettie explained as she covered Chris with blankets.
A small sad smile flittered across Ezra's face. Chris was very pale and his skin was clammy, every so often a moan escaped. Ezra huddled by the stove, he couldn't stop shivering. Nettie placed a quilt over him and handed his a steaming cup of coffee.
"Thank you for the comfort you offer, Mrs. Wells."
"You're welcome Mr. Standish." Nettie offered with a smile.
He hoped the others were safe because the storm howling outside was terrible. He dozed off in front of the fire while Chris slept.
Not even an hour had gone by when suddenly the door flew open and a snow covered Vin stumbled in. He tipped his hat at Nettie and looked up in surprise at Ezra.
"I'm sure glad to see you, I need your help, two people got attacked by a mountain lion, they're hurt bad, I need blankets and anything else we can use for bandages, You'll have to take one of them on your horse and I'll take the other one."
He then noticed Chris.
"What happened to him."
He hurried over to the cot and knelt down beside him.
"I'm not positive in my assumptions but the possibility exists that a mountain lion spooked his horse. Mr. Larabee was then in all probability thrown and at that point attained some injury to his head."
"Will he be OK?" Vin looked up with concerned blue eyes at Nettie and Ezra.
"Don't you worry son, I'll take good care of him." Nettie responded.
Ezra had no desire to go out into the cold again especially since he still hadn't gotten the chill out of his bones. Nettie gave Vin a pile of blankets, 2 bottles of whisky and some old shirts.
"Come on Ezra, let's ride."
Ezra hurried out the door sensing the urgency by the tone of Vin's voice. They got on the horses. Ezra followed Vin through the heavy snow, they arrived at a shelter of trees when Vin jumped off grabbing the blankets and supplies. Ezra followed him . The sight that met his eyes, took his breath away. Blood had soaked the snow red. One adult and one child lay in the snow. Pain was etched on Vin's face as he examined the woman, he looked up at Ezra and shook his head. Ezra knelt down by the child, a young boy. He was unconscious. Vin handed Ezra the blanket while he tried to staunch the flow of blood.
"Come on little fella, hang on." The child moaned and opened his large brown eyes.
"Momma, Momma?"
The boy reminded Ezra of one of the children at the Indian village he had befriended. He swallowed the lump in his throat and put a hand on the child's head.
"There there now, your mothers sleeping, so you just stay quiet so you don't wake her."
The child looked at him with such trusting eyes that his heart twisted. Vin looked worried, he couldn't seem to stop the flow of blood. Together they pressed the make shift bandages over the awful gash on his leg.
"I tried to protect my momma." The little voice weakly announced.
Ezra and Vin looked at each other in shared misery. Vin nodded to the young child.
"You're very brave for such a little fella."
Ezra grabbed another bandage and started tying up the wound, when Vin's arm came out and grabbed his in a vice like grip. Puzzled, Ezra looked up. Vin's jaw was clenched and his blue eyes had welled up, as tears ran down his face. Vin took a ragged breath and shook his head.
Ezra froze suddenly very afraid. Taking a deep breath, he glanced at the little boy, his eyes were still open but they were glazed and staring. He took one final breath and then all was silent.
"Oh no", Ezra managed to choke out in disbelief.
Vin let go of his arm and went over to pick up the child's mother and laid her by her son's side. He put the blanket over both and then just sat there. Taking a deep ragged breath himself, Ezra grabbed Vin's arm.
"Come on Mr. Tanner...Vin, we have to get back to Chris."
Vin nodded, too overcome to speak. He wiped his eyes and headed to the horse.
An ear splitting howl split the air as suddenly Vin was knocked to the ground. Ezra grabbed his gun and fired into the air. The mighty golden cat looked up startled and ran into the dense cover.
"Vin" he ran over and saw the blood soaking through Vin's shirt. "OH Lord can this day get any worse."
Grabbing one of the old shirts he packed it onto Vin's shirt to staunch the flow of blood, it seemed to stop.
He tried to wake Vin with no success. Somehow he managed to haul him up over his horse and tied him to the saddle. He was never more relieved to see Nettie's cabin. Pulling Vin off, he carried him inside.
"Ezra what happened." Chris was awake and sounded worried.
"Mountain Lion."
Nettie grabbed more blankets and put them on the floor in front of the woodstove, then Ezra put Vin on top of them. They checked the bandages, no more blood had seeped through. Chris was trying to get up but Ezra went over and put a restraining arm on his shoulder.
"He'll be OK. He just needs to warm up, you try to get some rest."
"Let him have the cot, I'll lie on the floor."
Nettie spoke up "You hush and stay put, I'm not going to say it again."
Chastised Chris lay back down. Although he tried his best to stay awake to see to the well being of his friend, weariness took over and he fell asleep again.
Ezra went out and took care of the horses, the images of the little boy dying, kept replaying in his head. When he finished, he went back inside and huddled by the stove. He couldn't stop shaking and his teeth were chattering. As the warmth of the stove flooded through him so did the shock of what had happened.
The little boy's eyes looking at him so trustingly, then glazed over in death, then Vin getting hurt. He put his head down on his knees and wrapped his arms around himself. Nettie glanced over at Ezra who sat huddled by the woodstove, his breathing was strained.
Something really bad had happened out there. There was nothing to be seen of the two people they had gone out to help and the gambler was obviously suffering.
Nettie went over to him. She sat down beside Ezra. Ezra hadn't even realized that Mrs. Wells was beside him until a comforting arm went around his shoulder. He clenched his jaw and took a deep breath.
"I'm fine Mrs. Wells, no need to concern yourself."
"What happened out there son." Mrs. Wells asked softly.
Ezra looked up into those motherly eyes and was startled to find them so full of concern for himself, he was afraid to speak, the tragedy of what had happened was still too strong.
"It's all right son."
Ezra shook his head and cleared his throat. "No Mrs. Wells, it wasn't all right. Vin's hurt, Chris' hurt, there's a fierce blizzard outside and a woman and her son have expired." Ezra explained in a soft voice, the southern accent sounding very strained.
"How did it happen?"
"A mountain lion, the woman had already passed on when we got there, Vin and I tried to save the little boy but.." The little boys eyes swam into his memory and Ezra's throat closed.
Nettie, seeing him struggle, put her hand on the back of his head stroking his hair. That small gesture of comfort broke down Ezra, he took another deep breath and despite his best attempt at control, it ended in a sob. He hid his face in his hands. Nettie's heart went out to him. Not a man prone to showing emotion, she realized he was really hurting now. She pulled him into her arms. At first he stiffened, not used to being comforted by a motherly person. But then he hid his face on her shoulder, she stroked his back. Ezra, overcome by recent events and past memories broke down, wrapped his arms around her as racking sobs shook his body.
"Easy now son, its gonna be all right, you did the best you could, there ain't no one who coulda changed things out there." She murmured softly in his ear.
Ezra eventually calmed down and grew quiet letting himself draw from the comfort that so rarely ever entered his life. The comfort however did nothing to dispense the embarrassment he felt for just having basically cried his eyes out on Mrs. Nettie Wells shoulder. He took a deep breath, pulled back and wiped his eyes.
"It was just the cold and the shock from seeing those unfortunate souls."
Nettie patted his arm realizing how embarrassed he was.
"Of course it was, now you get some rest." He nodded not making eye contact with her.
He went over to see how Chris was doing, noting how haggard and tired he looked. His blond hair hung down over his eyes. Pain was etched into his features. He seemed to be quite flushed. Ezra reached out to touch his forehead and found him warmer that he should be considering the chill of the cabin. He took a cloth, dabbed it with cold water and ran it over Chris' face. Chris feeling something cool opened his eyes once again looking into the worried sea green eyes of Ezra.
"Are you all right, Mr. Larabee."
Chris nodded. "Just a little too warm and dizzy. I'll be all right."
His blue gray eyes looked hazy and his breathing was shallow and labored.
Chris' eyes suddenly drifted shut again and he found himself in the midst of a dream. A little boy was running to him "Daddy, Daddy," then suddenly the little boy went up in flames and disintegrated in black smoke.
"Nooooo!" Chris cried out as he awoke again to find Ezra holding him down on the cot.
"Shhhh, you're just in the midst of an unrelenting nightmare, it's not real."
Chris responded "I'm afraid it is," with a catch in his throat. His eyes had welled up with tears avoiding eye contact with Ezra and Nettie, he took a long ragged breath. "It's Adam's birthday today."
Now Ezra understood why Chris was in such a foul mood this morning and why he wanted to be alone. He wanted to deal with the demons that ravaged his soul.
Chris blinked away the tears and tightened his jaw. He closed his eyes again.
Compassion for his suffering friend, overwhelmed and surprised Ezra as he reached out and patted Chris' shoulder.
"Get some rest Chris and know that your wife and son would be very proud of the things you've done."
Chris' eyes opened again and the steely gaze lit on Ezra. Seeing the sincerity in Ezra's eyes somehow calmed Chris' tortured soul, his eyes drifted shut again.
"Sweet dreams my friend." The gambler stated in soft southern tones.
Ezra sat down on the floor in front of the stove.
"Ezra" came the hoarse sleepy voice.
"I'm right here." He got up and went over to Vin. As did Nettie. She put a hand on his forehead.
"How are you feeling Vin."
Vin smiled at her gentle touch. She really did remind him of his mother.
"I reckon I've been better." He gave a wry grin.
Looking at Ezra, noticing the blanket around him, his paleness and his red rimmed eyes which made the green color even more apparent, made him ask.
"You all right Pard?"
"Well now Mr. Tanner shouldn't I be asking you the state of your well being?"
Vin took a moment to ponder exactly what Ezra was saying then nodded.
"I'm Ok, thanks to you. I reckon you saved my life."
Ezra flashed the gold tooth in a brief smile. "You would have done the same."
Then the sad look swept over Ezra again and Vin realized how affected he was by the little boy's death. Just remembering the moment when the little fella's eyes glazed over and gave his last breath put a lump in Vin's throat and he squeezed his eyes shut. He had seen many deaths, the ones that had especially haunted him were the massacres of women and children in the Indian villages. One never grew oblivious to death but it always hit hardest when the victim was a little one. He thought back to the mother and son. He had heard them screaming but had arrived too late, both had been attacked and all he could do was fire in the air to get the cat off them. Their wounds were severe but with only the clothes on his back he wasn't able to bind many of the wounds. The mother had pleaded with him to take care of her son. She must have known she was dying. He hoped their spirits were free and together
Nettie seeing the emotion shadow Vin's face, reached out and took his hand in her own. She waited until he calmed down enough to speak. The beautiful blue eyes with silver lights opened again.
"Can I get you anything son?" Nettie asked.
"I'm fine, just a little sore." He smiled sadly and then grimaced from the scratch on his chest, it burned like hell.
"You warm enough, do you need another blanket?"
He smiled at Mrs. Wells for playing mother.
"I'm fine really but Ezra looks like he could use another one." He was worried about Ezra who just sat there with a haunted look and periodically shivered.
"I'm just fine, Mr. Tanner, the cold just seems to linger on my person."
He glanced at Vin, then looked away. Puzzled Vin looked at Nettie, who looked concerned. Ezra seemed to be avoiding direct eye contact, almost as if he was embarrassed by something. Nettie reached out and patted him on the shoulder.
"Come on Mr. Standish, I think you need to lie down again and for heaven sake stop drinking that Brandy, it will just make you sick."
She snatched the flask out of Ezra's hand, leaving a startled look on his face.
"Go on now, git under the covers, I fixed you a nice bed over there."
Ezra flashed a wry grin at Vin and went to lie down. Vin knew what he was going through, sometimes when one sees death like Ezra had, it affect you, traumatizes you and you can't think about anything else. You just keep reliving it, wondering if there was anything you could have done differently. Ezra had that haunted look.
Vin watched him for while and then realized by his even breathing that he was asleep. Nettie came back out of the kitchen bringing some hot coffee, she helped Vin sit up a little as he suppressed the sharp stab of pain that knocked the air out of him. He paled significantly.
He glanced at the worried look on Nettie's face.
"I'm all right, really, how are Chris and Ezra."
"Well Mr. Larabee's had a bad knock to the head and he's been having some awful dreams but won't talk about them or let us help him."
Vin nodded. "That's Chris, you have to get past the hard shell first. He's a good man."
Nettie smiled. "I know he is, but he shouldn't suffer so alone. He told Mr. Standish that today would have been Adam's birthday? Who was Adam?"
Vin looked thoughtful, so that's why Chris was in such a foul mood today. Chris hated having anyone talk about his business but since he mentioned Adam in front of Nettie it would do no harm to tell her. Maybe she could help him.
"Adam was his son, Chris lost his wife and son in a fire that was purposely set."
Nettie inhaled sharply."The poor man, that's what those nightmares must be about."
Vin nodded
"How's Ezra?" he asked quietly looking over at the sleeping gambler.
"He doesn't seem to be himself."
Nettie looked at Vin knowing he would understand what Ezra was going through.
"Mr. Standish is heartbroken over that poor child's death. I think he's plumb wore out and if he doesn't take care of himself he'll be in worse shape than you and Chris put together."
She added thoughtfully. "I always thought he was just a fancy man with no feelings for anyone but himself but I've come to realize I was very wrong."
Vin looked at her and nodded. "You were wrong. Ezra's got a good heart even though his cards get in the way sometimes."
Nettie smiled and nodded looking at Ezra fondly. She then reached over to Vin and with her hand brushed some of the silky brown waves out of his face. He smiled at her warmly.
"Enough talking, now get some rest. She took the coffee out of his hand and helped him to lie down again, tucking the blankets around him. Lulled by the warmth from the fire Vin too fell asleep.
Nettie got ready to also settle down for the night. Outside the blizzard continued to howl. She checked on the boys again smiling to herself, they certainly weren't boys but somehow she felt as protective of them as she would of any son. Vin seemed to be resting peacefully, the dark hair disheveled on the pillow, the long lashed eyes were closed and his breathing was even, indicating he wasn't suffering any pain.
Chris appeared to be sleeping more restlessly, turning every so often. His breathing was a bit more unsteady and she wondered if the head wound was causing him some pain. She had some laudenum, she could give him but worried how it might affect his head wound. His face was tense as if the demons that tormented him throughout the day were there even in sleep. The blond hair fell over his forehead and over his eyes, making the seasoned gunslinger appear much younger and vulnerable.
She went over to Ezra, he moaned in his sleep and woke up with a start.
"Easy Mr. Standish, everythings OK."
Misery shone out of those blue green eyes. He closed them and took a deep breath.
"I'm afraid I'm not feeling particularly splendid at the moment."
His face was pale and pasty colored and Nettie realized that the gambler was trying to tell he was going to be sick.
"Ok son, hang on, I'm going to get a bucket."
As she got up to look, Ezra jumped up and bolted for the door, he opened and closed it behind him. Alarmed Nettie went after him. He was already badly chilled, being out in this weather would make him worse. Probably the shock of today and all the brandy he had drunk led to this. He'd been sick in the snow and hunched over miserably.
"Come inside Mr. Standish you'll catch your death out here."
Shivering and without any back talk he followed her inside and sat down again by the stove. She put more blankets over his shoulders. He didn't protest just sat there shivering. She found the bucket and brought it over to him. He looked so miserable, her heart went out to him. She headed into the kitchen, made some ginger tea and gave it to him. He accepted it and thanked her softly. She sat down next to him. He was still shivering.
"Promise me if you get sick again you will use the bucket and not go outside?"
The fact she cared, overwhelmed Ezra.
When he was little and was sick, Maude used to make him go out in the alley behind the gambling saloon by himself. He'd be sick and then crawl into a corner to cry cause it hurt and because he was alone. There were never any loving touches or comforting words. He nodded then closed his eyes to the memory just as Netties arm went around his shoulders. She rubbed his back gently.
"Ok I think you should lie down again, I've put some laudenum in the tea, it should help make you sleep."
The very vulnerable, soft green eyes turned to her again. His look spoke volumes of gratitude. He lay down again still shivering as Nettie tucked lots of blankets on top of him in an effort to make him warm. After awhile the shivering stopped and he found his eyes getting heavy as he drifted off to sleep.
Nettie sighed and was about to lie down when Chris sat up.
"Are Vin and Ezra all right?" He asked groggily with a worried look in his bluish eyes. His hand was on his forehead.
"Shhhh they're just fine, they're asleep now, you need to lie back down again Mr. Larabee."
He grinned drowsily at her. "Since I'm spending the night, I think you should call me Chris."
She was amazed at his sudden flash of charm, a smile was also quite rare.
She smiled back at him. "Deal, but only if you call me Nettie."
"You got yourself a deal ma'am."
"How's the head."
"I'll live." he responded wryly.
"You got a headache?"
He nodded.
"Feeling like your stomach's not quite settled?"
He nodded again.
"You need to lie back down Mr. Larabee...Chris"
He shook his head. "I don't want to sleep anymore."
"Cause of the nightmares you've been having?"
He didn't respond.
"Might help to talk about them."
"No" his response was immediate and vehement.
"All right, your choice, I'll get you some ginger tea."
"Much obliged." His head hurt really bad and sitting up like this make everything spin. He lay back down.
Being such a private man, Nettie wasn't surprised by Chris' need to keep his nightmares hidden, but she also knew how tormented he was. She heated up the tea and brought it him. She smiled as she looked at him, he had lain down and was now fast asleep. She put down the tea and tucked the blanket around him.
All was finally quiet as Nettie went to lie down.
It was close to 3:00am when Nettie was awakened. She sat up in her bed listening. Aside from the wind howling there was no other sound to be heard. She got up and put her robe on. By the glow of the candle she saw that Ezra appeared to be sleeping soundly. He had turned on his side, long lashes closed, hair all mussed and a soft smile on his face. She smiled to herself, he was probably dreaming of cheating someone.
She went on to Vin. He lay on his back with a peaceful look on his face, deep in slumber.
As she approached Chris, she saw that he lay in bed just staring ahead of himself.
She whispered, "Mr. Larabee...Chris?"
No response, he didn't even acknowledge her presence. She realized he wasn't awake but gripped in some kind of nightmare. His breathing was quiet but rapid. She didn't know what to do with someone so deeply in the grip of a nightmare. Not wanting to wake the others, she whispered again.
"Chris, can you hear me?"
His face was flushed and he blinked but otherwise no response.
She took one of his hands, which was clenched in a fist and with the other hand stroked the hair on his forehead.
"Come on now, Chris wake up."
He turned his head aside and squeezed his eyes shut, a small moan escaped him.
She rubbed his arms.
"Come on son, talk to me, what's going on?"
He whispered hoarsely. "Fire."
"Where's the fire?"
His eyes opened again and this time focused on her.
Her heart constricted a the pain she saw in those deep blue gray depths.
He groaned and closed his eyes.
She put her hand on his shoulder.
"No Chris, it's time to talk about these nightmares."
He opened his eyes again looking at her intently. He looked tired and worn out.
"I hear my son calling out to me, then I see him going up in flames." He quietly stated the horrific image.
Nettie looked at him and figured he had erected a wall around himself, not allowing her to enter. She had to break through.
She nodded, "I'm sure your son did call out for his Daddy."
He flinched slightly and looked away.
"Sometimes, these nightmares are the only times I can see them, remember them both clearly, when I'm awake their images start to fade." He stated in a a barely audible whisper.
"Time son, time will do that. It's God's way of saying you need to let go and go on."
In agony,he vehemently shook his head. "No, I don't want to forget them. I haven't even avenged them yet." These last words came out in a choked whisper.
"Chris, you don't have to forget them, they were an important part in your life, you will never forget those closest to you. They are a part of you, they helped make you the man you are not. I'm sure they are both looking down from heaven very proud of you. Believe me, I speak from experience, your loved ones are always with you."
Chris squeezed his eyes shut again and in a hoarse whisper responded. "But its been four years and I still haven't even avenged them."
Nettie shook her head. "Do you really believe deep in your heart, in your soul that they would want you spending your years trying to avenge them? No, I don't think so. They want you to live and enjoy life to the fullest for them, since they were denied."
A single tear coursed down Chris' face, alongside his nose. He gripped Nettie's hand tightly. She watched him fighting his emotions that were kept so rigidly under control. She saw him start to lose the battle as more tears coursed down his face.
Gone at the moment was the arrogant hard gunslinger, in front of her was a grieving man, who hurt so bad he didn't know how to deal with it.
"Come here son." Nettie bent down and gathered him into her arms
At first he was stiff but then relaxed, knowing she had lost loved ones also and understood some of the pain. He closed his eyes remembering long long ago when his own mother used to wrap him in her arms and keep him safe. He rested his aching head on Nettie's shoulder and soundlessly wept letting some of his grief flow out. After awhile he became completely still and Nettie realized exhaustion had claimed him and he had fallen back asleep. As gently as she could, she lowered him down on the bed. She leaned down and kissed him on the forehead.
"Sweet Dreams."
Through the sleepy haze he was in, Chris heard those words and a soft smile formed on his face.
The End