Pass the Buck
Denver Colorado - Present Time
Friday night was always a busy time in the saloon but five of the seven ATF agents that made up Team 7, were already seated at what had become their table and no one was going to kick them out or borrow the remaining empty two chairs.
"Hey, look who's back." Nathan waved to Buck and JD who were slowly making their way towards them through the crowd.
Buck stopped for a while by the bar disk to get himself and JD a couple of beers. He stayed a little while longer than he really needed to delay the questioning he knew was coming. Finally he could wait no longer without them getting suspicious so he just took a very deep breath and plastered a fake smile on his face as he walked over to the table.
"Howdy, boys," he said and steeled himself.
Sure enough, the first words out of Vin's mouth was, "So, Buck, how was your vacation?"
"Yes, tell us about it," Ezra joined in. Buck threw a glance at JD. Had the kid already told them while he was getting the beers? JD had a look of pure innocence on his face, but even the kid wasn't that innocent.
"Nothing to tell," Buck quickly said, raised the glass and took a deep swallow.
Across the table Chris raised an eyebrow. "Really?" he said. "You and JD went to Indiana for a week and even visited my hometown and you've got nothing at all to tell?"
"Nothing of interest," Buck said vaguely. His hopes of diverting their attention were squashed when JD opened his mouth and declared, "Buck got arrested."
"Did not!" Buck snapped. There was no need to tell Chris about a trifling little thing like that.
"Did too," JD insisted.
"Well, it was a bogus charge."
"What charge?" Chris said as he wondered why someone hadn't contacted him about this.
"I just kissed a girl." Buck shrugged. "Now I ask you, since when is that a crime?"
"The Sheriff's girl," JD helpfully filled in what Buck had left out.
"What did you tell them that for?" Buck complained while JD went on as if he hadn't heard him at all.
"The Sheriff was pining away for this beautiful brunette that served the meals at a small diner on Main Street. The girl barely knew he was alive but she took to Buck right away and he took her to the movies and dinner and then he took her home."
Buck felt it was now time to take charge before the kid started on the details. There was still a chance for him to come out of this with his dignity intact.
"Just as I kissed her, right outside her door," Buck said, "- the Sheriff turned up and invoked some old state law that hadn't been used for the past 100 years and then he arrested me."
Chris frowned. There had to be more to the story than that. "I still don't see how that could have gotten you arrested. What law was that?"
"Just some ancient state law," Buck muttered. "I don't remember the exact words."
"I do," JD said. "Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans."
For a second nobody spoke then Ezra said, "Well - there's no denying that you do exhibit that bad habit, Mr Wilmington."
Buck felt wounded. They were outright laughing at him, similar to the way that whole darn courtroom had snickered behind his back as he unsuccessfully had tried to plead his case that he had a moustache and not a mustache and that the exact spelling and wording of the law was extremely important in this case. Okay, it had been a weak defence and he hadn't managed to convince even himself but he'd still had a valid point. Too bad the judge hadn't seen it that way.
"How bad was the verdict?" Chris asked. "Do I need to put a note in your record and kick you off the team?"
"I got a warning from the judge and I was fined $20," Buck grumbled as he was starting to feel really embarrassed. To add to insults Chris turned to JD and asked him to corroborate Buck's story.
"Is that all there is to it, JD?"
"Well -" JD was really taking advantage of the most perfect opportunity to torment his roommate. "Buck was really calm and cool through the trial but then, when the whole thing was practically over, he exploded and broke another state law right there in the courtroom and got fined $10 extra."
Everyone looked over at Buck who was starting to shift around in his chair.
"What did he do?" Chris asked JD.
"When Buck heard the sentence he said, Jesus Christ, what's the matter with this Godforsaken town that you get arrested just for having a mustache, and then he got fined again for using profanities. Seems you can't say things like God and so on while swearing. He got the maximum amount, ten bucks."
Buck could do nothing but endure their laughter at his expense. And laugh they did. So loudly that heads turned in the crowd to look at them and try to find out what it was that could be so funny.
"Wonder if there are other places where they have the same law," Josiah said as he calmed down and wiped tears of laughter from the corners of his eyes.
"There are," JD answered. "I've looked it up. It's illegal for a man with a mustache to kiss a woman in Iowa, Nevada and Illinois. The last two cases are just city laws, not state laws."
"Maybe it would be easier if you started kissing guys instead," Vin said. "- except in Indiana- where you should just stay far away from everyone."
"I don't want to kiss a guy," Buck said miserably. "I mean, not that I've got anything against those that do that, but I love girls - all girls - every kind of girl. If I can't kiss them ... then I'd rather be shot!"
"Looks like you'll have to stay away from Indiana then," Chris said and couldn't help but grin.
"And Iowa," JD added.
"Illinois," Ezra supplied.
"Don't forget Nevada," Nathan said.
"Unless you shave off that mustache," Josiah suggested.
"Shave it off?" Buck whispered in a voice so full of horror that the others had to bite their lips not to laugh at him again. "I can't do that. This is who I am. Might as well ask Vin to cut that hair of his."
"All right," Vin said.
"See? I knew he would agree with - what?"
"I can cut my hair. I ain't as attached to it as you are to your mustache."
"Then why haven't you done that before?"
"No reason really, but now that I think about it ... every time I've said that I should cut it something has come up or someone has talked me out of it. Hey, it might be fun-
"No! - Don't do that, Vin! - Oh No - Nope - Certainly not - No way, junior."
Vin became slightly puzzled and also suspicious by their vehement responses as half a dozen voices immediately tried to talk him out of the idea. When the notoriously tight-fisted Ezra offered to buy them all another round Vin was so amazed that he promptly forgot what they'd all been talking about.
"That was close," Buck muttered as he went with Ezra to get the beers.
"Indeed, can you imagine what the girls back at the office would do to us if we let Vin go through with it?"
"They'd have our hides, that's for sure. And then I'd never get a date with any of them again. It's bad enough that I can't date anyone in four other states, I don't need trouble in this one too. You know Ezra ... If I could only meet the guy who made it necessary for them to think up that stupid law in the first place- "
"That would probably require time travel..." Ezra mused "...but let's say it was possible - then what?"
"Then I would wring his stupid neck for getting everyone with a mustache in trouble for evermore, that's what!" Buck fumed.
Indiana 1881 Middle of night -
on a public road several miles outside a nameless townThe seven riders reined in their horses and waited quietly for a while until they were sure that they hadn't been followed by the mob that had chased them out of town.
"Jeez, Buck. That was close," JD Dunne said.
"I agree with JD," Chris said. "And that's the last time we're gonna pull you out of a scrape like this. I mean it. You should know better, Buck. I'm getting too old for this and so are you."
"Don't waste your breath, Chris. I think Buck'll still come climbing out of a lady's bedroom window when he's ninety years old. I can see it all in my mind. He'll ask me to patch up his rheumatic knee or something so he can keep on climbing up roof tops."
"You're darn right I will, Nathan." Buck grinned, totally unrepentant. "The ladies sure ain't complaining so why should I stop doing it?"
"How about if some jealous husband shoots you?" Josiah said.
"Huh, I'm just too fast for them. They ain't gonna catch me."
"How about if we shoot you then?" Ezra suggested.
"Are you still mad about that poker game you had to leave?"
"Do you realize what a hand I had? Four Aces and a King! Do you realize how much money was on that table?" Ezra sounded angrier and angrier for every word he said.
"Ezra, stow it," Chris snapped. He didn't really blame Ezra for being upset, he'd never seen a bigger pile himself. "We're all tired and I don't want to have to break up another fight tonight."
"Oh, I can wait," Ezra said and his green eyes lit up with an unholy gleam that told Buck that he'd better watch out until they'd all calmed down a bit and stopped blaming him. "I can be patient. Very, very patient," Ezra slowly repeated. And then he smiled. It wasn't a nice smile and it made Buck feel a bit uneasy.
"Buck," Vin said. "I can't blame you for kissing that saloon girl. Or that school marm. Or even the Marshal's daughter, they were all pretty gals. But there's one thing I just cain't figure out-"
"What's that, Vin?"
"Why'd you have to go and kiss the Marshal too? Never seen a man so riled up, he was practically spitting fire."
"I wouldn't have if JD hadn't told him that I kissed people all the time and couldn't help myself. So I proved JD's point."
JD looked appalled "That's why you did it? I was only trying to stop that Marshal from shooting you and you just got him madder!"
"It seemed like a good idea at the time." Buck said, as carefree as ever.
"It wasn't," Chris dryly told him and shook his head. "I swear, Buck. One day there's gonna be a law against someone like you."
"A law against Buck Wilmington?" Buck said and laughed confidently. "It'll never happen."
The End