No Harm In Rememberin'
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had very shiny toes and if you ever saw-" The loud, obnoxious strains of Buck's not-so-musical recital of classic Christmas tunes drifted out onto the porch, where JD and Vin sat quietly.
"Mr. Wilmington, if you continue to proceed butchering every carol known to man, I shall not be held accountable for my actions!" JD glanced over at Vin to see his smirk at Ezra's vehement protests. The southerner had kept up a litany of threats the entire time the two men had set about fitting the live pine tree in its stand.
"Well, if ya'd hurry up down there, I'd have sumthin' ta do insteada holdin this dang thing up. It's real frisky and I don't know how much more my nose can take!"
"You'll get more than a few pine needles stuffed into that orifice if you don't-"
"Can ya'll keep it down in here? Mary's about to come out with her baster, and then where'd ya'll be?"
"Anything ready to eat, Nathan?"
"No, Buck. Nuthin's finished cooking since you asked a minute ago."
"Ya sure are a buncha humbugs. Where's JD?"
JD leaned back in the rickety wooden swing and sighed. Right now he didn't really feel like being cheerful. There was something about the calm mountain view before him that lent a sobriety to his thoughts.
All seven men had gathered at Chris' in an unspoken agreement. The leader had been touchy for the past few weeks, sliding into a blue funk that not even JD's antics could pull him out of. It was Josiah that made the comment about wanting to spend the holidays with family, and a plan evolved without having to say another thing. So, knowing their illustrious leader had no Christmas spirit whatsoever, Buck and JD picked up the tree, Ezra the ornaments, Josiah the turkey, Nathan the trimming, and they carted all of it over to Chris' on Christmas Eve. Vin brought the best part of all- Billy and Mary. As her Christmas present, Mary had bought the Judge and his wife tickets on a cruise they had been dying to take, so she and Billy had happily agreed to spend the evening with the seven.
Chris had been overwhelmed to say the least. But he had brightened quickly once the infective cheerfulness spilled into his house.
Right now, Chris Josiah and Billy had gone to check the stables, much to Billy's delight, and see the new foal that had been born the past month. Vin had wandered out to the porch to watch the early sunset, and JD gratefully followed to avoid being impaled by the great tree Buck had chosen. Getting it to stay in the back of the truck had been eventful, in between snowball fights, that is, and seeing Buck plant his rear end in a snow bank trying to get it off the truck had all of them laughing.
Taking a breather from the flurry of activity, the usually hyper active hacker found himself staring into the beautiful purples and pinks of the sky on a blanket of pristine snow. At quiet times throughout the week, he had found himself feeling melancholy. He loved the season, but it also reminded him of the things he had lost. He sighed wistfully.
"Wanna tell me about it?" Vin asked suddenly, making JD jump. The perceptive sharpshooter would normally sit quietly for hours, only observing and not prodding. Only he also felt the pull of brotherhood, and had been trapped by JD's brown soulful looks like the rest of them. The boy had seemed happy all day, but the holiday euphoria had dimmed once there was a lull in activity.
"Not much to say," JD responded, for once close-lipped about something. The curses and threats, as well as jovial caroling, continued in the house.
"Funny how we're all here this year- even Ez showed up," Vin said after a few more moments, hoping to draw JD out.
"Yeah, didn't even have to hog-tie him like Thanksgiving," he joked feebly, trying to throw Vin offtrack. He just couldn't bring himself to talk about what was bothering him.
"Yup. Holidays make everybody act funny."
JD just nodded and pointed out towards the barn, where three shapes could be seen emerging in the waning light. The shortest one broke away and began lobbing snowballs at the one in a black duster. The third just kept slowly plodding his way up to the porch.
"Howdy, Josiah." JD found a smile for the preacher man.
"JD, Vin. What brings you boys out here?" Josiah gave him his cheerful bear grin as he paused on the first step. Just then, a crash and a southern-colored curse resounded from inside. The three outside winced. "Sounds like they ain't got the tree up yet. Maybe we should help?"
Vin smirked again and hopped down from his usual seat on the railing. "Reckon we should, considering there might not be a tree left- or a Buck for that matter."
The two went inside. Josiah paused at the door. "Coming, Brother Dunne?"
"You two go on ahead. I'll be in in a little bit."
"As you wish, brother." Josiah gave him an understanding smile and closed the door.
He went back to watching Chris and Billy with mixed emotions. The sight of their tough and intimidating leader being taken down by a small boy was amusing, but the sound of Chris' heartfelt laughter almost brought tears to his eyes. He barely remembered his own father, just a haze of impressions and warmth, yet his mother had always more than made up for the man's absence. Swing slowly creaking back and forth, he scuffed the toe of his sneaker on the weathered planks of the porch.
After a few more minutes, the front door opened and this time Mary stepped out, hugging herself against the cold. She started when she noticed JD on the swing, but then gave him her angelic smile.
"Hey, JD. How long have they been playing out there?"
"Not long, ma'am. Just enough for Billy to thoroughly plaster Chris to the bone." That got the expected laugh and Mary turned towards the yard.
"Time to come in!" She yelled, and the two figures paused mid-frolic. "It's almost time for supper, and I will not have two snowmen sitting at the table!" JD chuckled. Even Mary, who was sometimes uptight, had loosened up and 'let her hair down' for once.
"See you inside." She patted his shoulder as she went back in.
"What're you doin' out here?" Chris demanded with a smile, cheeks bright red, snow sticking everywhere, and Billy under one arm like a sack of potatoes. The boy was giggling uncontrollably.
"Just takin' in the view." JD couldn't help but get caught up in the exuberance of the two.
"Well don't sit too long out here, or else we'll have to thaw ya out." With that, Chris carried Billy inside.
Leaning back once more, the smile slowly melted from his face. He was getting angry at himself for being so down, but the sadness refused to leave him alone. It was his mother he missed most of all. All this snow reminded him of his childhood in Boston, running through their shortcut in the park while his mom followed with an armful of groceries, laughing. Even when times were rough, she would always find something to smile about. Simple things, like the baby ducks splashing after their parents, or a cheesy prediction in a fortune cookie, they all made her happy. Every Christmas, he would buy her a bottle of lavender perfume. It wasn't expensive or designer, but she loved the smell just the same.
He sighed and leaned forward.
Cheers came from inside, so he assumed the tree was finally standing without Buck's aid. He wanted to go in, but his body wouldn't move- lips stuck together, feet planted on the porch. So he sat there, breathing in the faintly tangy metallic smell of snow and damp earth.
A voice sounded close to the closed door, Josiah's deep rumble, and he sighed, knowing his solitude was about to be shattered.
"You still breathin', brother?" The giant man shut the door behind him and offered JD a steaming mug of hot chocolate to match his. Then he moved to the only other furniture around, a heavy wooden chair, obviously intending to stay for a while.
"Yeah, I am." He watched a few wayward snowflakes meander down. Josiah just sat there, looking out into the inky black night partially covered by clouds but holding twinkling stars in between.
"I've seen the sky from many different places in my time. Some of them I liked, some of them I didn't. But this, my friend, is the only sky I looked at and realized I was home." He sipped his drink and settled deeper into the chair.
"This is home," JD whispered.
"Only because our family is here." The anthropologist directed his attention at JD in the light coming from the windows. "Y'know, round this time of year I get to thinkin' a lot. 'Bout what I did in past years, and what I plan to do in this coming one. Also about who ain't with me anymore, and who I'm celebrating with. Man can get real quiet, then, if he don't share with his friends to ease his sorrows."
JD smiled sadly and decided to take the indirect offer, hoping that Josiah was right and it would help.
"I. . . I miss my ma, Josiah. She's been gone for two years now, but it still hurts, y'know."
"I do, son. The pain of losing a parent will never leave you, but it will fade given time and become more bearable."
"I don't want it to be 'bearable'! I don't wanna forget her!" He exclaimed and jumped from his seat, walking over to hug the support post.
"You won't forget your mama, JD. But she wouldn't want you to keep dwellin' on it. There's no harm in rememberin' her, and honoring that memory, but she wouldn't wanna make you sad and hurt when ya do."
"You don't understand, Josiah! I woke up this morning, and every other morning this week, and when I thought of her, all I could picture was the last time I saw her, and I wished I wouldn't remember her anymore. . . Now all I think of is her in that hospital bed, all skin and bones, so thin and frail. They had her wearin' some kinda adult diaper and she would just mumble. . . She barely recognized me, she was so far gone. It just wasn't fair. . . All my life, she was strong and proud, with dignity and so happy all the time. To remember her so weak and humiliated, lying there unable to even take care of herself. I don't wanna remember her like that." His voice shook and unshed tears burned his eyes. The sense of loss overpowered him. Josiah set aside his mug and rose, coming to stand behind JD and lay a heavy hand on his shoulder.
"I hear you, JD. I really do. . . My father died of influenza in India, on one of his missions. His final days were not spent in comfort. We may have never gotten along very well, but I feel his loss all the same. . . What you ahve to do is focus on the good times together, times that make you smile, and it may seem like sometimes those hurt the worst, but they're what'll pull you through. Nothin' can erase the pain, but you can ease it with a salve of her love for you. Just hearin' you speak of her so often, I can hear how she cared for you and you were a devoted son." Giving his shoulder a comforting squeeze, he paused to let his words register. "She may be gone, but she'll never leave you. She's always with you wherever you go." A winter owl hooted from the trees, while the snow came down heavier to fill in the prints left earlier.
"Now, we may not be able to replace your ma- we ain't tryin' to- but we're still your family in spirit. And you got a room full of people waitin' to spoil you rotten with presents, if they haven't already killed eachother decoratin' that tree."
JD laughed and blinked away his tears, beginning to feel a little better.
His friend was right, they were all family. His ma would be proud of the other six men he called brothers, and she would want him to enjoy life to the fullest, including tonite.
Once Josiah saw his mood lighten, he smiled and turned to go back in, mission accomplished. A light touch on his arm made him turn around.
"Thanks." The puppy eyes were shining with sincerity and a bit of peace.
"Anytime, brother. Anytime."
Picking up his mug, Josiah motioned for JD to proceed him.
"Things sure got quiet in here," JD muttered with trepidation.
As soon as he opened the door, he recieved a mouthful of tinsel, and quickly ducked behind the couch to retaliate.
Right now, one of his 'brothers' needed his butt whupped.
The End