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Pairing: Chris/Vin
[My story contains a small reference to: Where No Shadows Fall, by Firefox. She has graciously given permission to include a reference to her story in a scene of this one. It is not necessary to read that story first; although it’s one I would highly recommend reading nevertheless, because it’s wonderful. Certainly far better than this one.]
Disclaimers: The guys do not belong to me, and I make no profit from writing about them. This story is Chris/Vin, and contains adult themes and adult language. Other than that, there should be nothing upsetting about the nature of this story.
“Anniversaries” was written in response to Nin’s Birthday Challenge, and is being submitted as a way to honor her and for those who knew her best to celebrate her life and the friendship with her that they miss. I chose the themes of friendship and loss. Since it features Chris (with Vin), I hope that it would be an offering that Nin would like.
Buck looked at the calendar, and then shook his head, looking sadly at one of his best friends. He knew this time of year, knew he would never forget. It was coming up on the anniversary of Sarah and Adam’s deaths. It would be eleven years the end of this week. Eleven years. He shook his head again and sighed heavily, rubbing his hand over his face. All week his friend had been moody, tense. Buck could tell he hadn’t been sleeping by the dark circles under his eyes. And he’d also lost weight that he couldn’t afford to lose.
Buck was determined to have a talk with his friend.
With Vin.
Because while it wasn’t unusual that Chris would fall into a period of mourning and grief around this time – and those first few years before he’d met Vin Tanner were ones Buck never wanted to relive – it was unusual for Vin to be so caught up in the situation. Buck wondered for a minute whether Chris was taking his grief out on his younger partner, and anger flared briefly at the thought that this might be the case. If so, Chris was going to get his attitude straightened out but good.
“Hey, Vin,” Buck said casually, “Mind meeting me in the break room for a minute?”
Vin looked up and frowned.
“Uh, okay…, sure. What’s up?”
Buck just nodded his head toward the break room, and both men got up and headed toward the coffee pot. After each man had poured himself a cup, Vin couldn’t help breaking the silence.
“What is it, Buck? I’ve got to get back to those reports, and we need to be thinking about the strategy for the Anderson case.”
“The Anderson case can wait a few more minutes, and so can the reports.”
Buck paused, and Vin looked exasperated. Then his expression changed.
“Buck, everything okay? Are you all right? What about JD? Is it something with JD? Or Casey? Is it Chris?”
Vin’s anxious questions brought Buck back to the present. How like Vin to assume that Buck’s concern was for someone else on the team or one of their friends rather than their sharpshooter himself.
“No. They’re all fine. Even Chris seems okay, surprisingly enough. No, it’s you who I’m worried about.”
“Me? I’m fine,” Vin insisted. Yet the way he looked down into his coffee mug told another story.
“Hey, Junior. I’m not butting in…,”
He broke off when Vin snorted and rolled his eyes.
“Okay,” he grinned sheepishly, “I am butting in. But only for your own good. I know what day is coming up. Believe me, I won’t ever forget it. When Sarah and Adam were killed, there was a time I never thought I’d get Chris back. And I didn’t.”
Vin looked up sharply.
“You did. When you came along, it was the first time Chris began to live again. It started the moment he first laid eyes on you after that bust in the warehouse. You had just saved his life with a one-in-a-million shot, and you breezed up to him with your long hair golden and wild under that beat-up old Calvary hat, those impossibly blue eyes flashing. Then you had that deep tan set off by a blindingly white tee-shirt. You were like a vision from the old west. Everyone else was running around like headless chickens. Three government agencies all intimidated by if not afraid of the infamous Chris Larabee, standing there in all black and looking like the Angel of Doom. And cool as could be you walked right up to him, gave him that cocky little crooked grin, and demanded your bounty. Damn, boy. I thought I was gonna pee my pants.”
Vin couldn’t help a shy grin and his cheeks blushed faintly pink.
“I got it, too.”
“Got more than the bounty. Got Chris.”
Vin ducked his head.
“It’s okay, Junior. You know it took me a long time to figure it out. Hell, I know you and Chris took awhile to figure it out for yourselves, first. I understand why you didn’t tell anyone for a time, knew now you were sorting it out for yourselves and didn’t need an audience while you were doing it. I’m still sorry about the way I reacted at first, and that it took me awhile to realize that you weren’t going to hurt Chris. Shit, Junior. You were the best damn thing that ever happened to him.”
The younger man winced and shook his head.
“So that is what this is about,” Buck said softly.
When he didn’t get any response from Tanner, Buck put his large hand on the slender shoulder of the hurting younger man.
“Hey. What is it, Vin? What’s got you tied in knots?”
Silence.
“Chris is doing okay. I mean, he always gets kind of quiet this time of year. It’s only natural. But every year it’s been a little better. I know that having you with him has made it easier on him.”
When Buck still couldn’t get an answer, he pursued another thought.
“Hey,” Buck said a little sharply as anger flared. “He’s not taking it out on you, is he? He’s not acting all okay in the office but taking it out on you at home?”
“No! God, no,” Vin’s eyes flew up and he shook his head.
Buck’s eyes softened compassionately.
“Then what is it, son? What’s got you so tense and anxious?”
“I’m not…, it’s jist…, I’m okay, Bucklin. Really.”
“Vin…? It’s me you’re talking to, remember? You haven’t been able to fool any of us on this team for a good five years, and some of us for longer than that.”
Vin’s lips twitched in a small smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He sighed heavily.
“You ain’t gonna let this go, are ya.”
It was more of a statement then a question.
The big man chuckled. “You ain’t the only one who’s predictable to this group, ya know.”
Vin shook his head.
“I know. But it ain’t Chris. It’s me.” Tanner seemed desperate that Buck not blame his oldest friend for whatever was going on with his younger lover.
“Then what is it, Vin? You can tell me. Whatever it is, I’ll help you work through this. I hate seeing you so upset.”
Vin frowned at him.
“Ain’t upset,” he insisted stubbornly.
“That’s it,” the bigger man put his empty coffee mug down heavily on the counter. He pulled the mug from Tanner’s slender fingers and set it down as well. “We’re going to lunch.”
“Buck….”
He pulled the unresisting man behind him through the break room to their desks, grabbing Vin’s jacket off the back of his chair as he passed by and held it out to Vin as he reached for his own.
“We’re going to the Saloon, boys, for an early lunch,” Buck announced.
“Okay! I’ll just close my computer down…,” JD said excitedly.
Buck’s eyes widened in momentary panic.
“You aren’t forgetting about that data that Mr. Larabee asked you to have for him before noon, I wouldn’t think,” Ezra inserted smoothly but firmly, catching Wilmington’s nod of thanks.
“Oh, dang. I did forget,” JD sighed disappointedly, while Buck sent Ezra a grateful glance.
Ezra nodded slightly, a thoughtful look on his face as he noted Vin’s unease. He’d been watching Vin for the past week, as well, and noticed that the younger man was becoming more withdrawn as the days passed. He had made the connection to the date on the calendar, but wasn’t really sure why it was Mr. Tanner who seemed so distressed. Especially since Mr. Larabee seemed to be coping fairly well this year.
“Everything all right?” Chris asked casually, coming out from his office and leaning against the doorframe. While his posture was a study in indifference, his eyes were soft with concern as they focused on his younger partner.
“Yep. Just gonna borrow Junior for an early lunch, Boss,” Buck grinned.
The two men’s eyes met across the room, and Chris gave a nod to his oldest friend. No one else in the room besides Ezra noticed the slight shrug of his shoulder and barely perceptible shake of his head. Chris didn’t know what was going on with Tanner, either, and hadn’t been able to get anything out of the younger man all week. All of his questions or efforts to express concern were brushed off or ignored. Tanner was nothing if not good at changing the subject and being evasive. No one could pin him down if he didn’t want to be.
“Go on, then. Have a good lunch,” Chris told them.
Buck smiled at Chris with a firm nod. He’d get to whatever was troubling Vin or die trying.
The two men took places at a corner booth, not wanting to take up their usual big table since it was just going to be the two of them. Inez gave Buck a questioning look when Vin was looking down at the menu, but he gave her a quick shake of his head. She took their orders and vanished to get their drinks, leaving them alone.
After a long silence, Buck realized that Vin would be content to never talk. It was obviously going to be up to him to pull everything out of the cagey Texan. He sighed heavily.
“Now, Junior,” Buck looked thoughtfully at the younger man, “you might as well tell Old Buck what’s goin’ on in that curly head of yours. You know I’m not going to stop asking you until you tell me.”
Another long silence passed while Buck watched the emotions playing across those expressive blue eyes.
“I don’t mean ta give you a hard time, Bucklin. I swear. It’s jist…, it’s jist somethin’ I need ta work out fer myself.”
Buck knew that Vin’s anxiety level was high, because the more tied up Tanner was, the thicker his accent kicked in. He resorted to interrogation, because if that’s what it took, then that’s what it took.
“Is it the anniversary?” Buck asked, the compassion shining clearly in his dark blue eyes.
“Yeah, Buck,” Vin’s shoulders sagged with the soft admission.
“Is Chris giving you a hard time?” Buck repeated his question from earlier, wondering if being in the office and near enough to Chris to risk being overheard had caused the younger man to not be completely truthful.
“No. He ain’t doin’ anything ta me. He’s doin’ okay. As okay as he can, ya know.”
“Is he hurting you, Junior? And I don’t mean just physically. Hell, you two still act like honeymooners. Thought JD was gonna have a stroke when he went in the kitchen a couple weekends ago to get another bag of chips and found you two makin’ out like a couple teenagers.”
“He ain’t hurtin’ me,” Vin insisted with the tiniest ghost of a smile.
“There’s other ways of hurting someone, son. Chris can be a pretty mean sonofabitch when he gets in a mood.”
“That ain’t it. I’m fine. Really.”
Inez brought their burgers just then, with an order each of fries and onion rings to share. Once she refilled their sodas there was again silence at the table. Buck could tell that Vin still wasn’t relaxed, because he ignored his burger and just moved fries around his plate, drawing designs in the ketchup.
Buck tried another tack.
“Do I need to talk to Chris?”
“What!” Startled blue eyes flew up to meet his. “No! Hell, no.”
“Vin…, son…. It’s been eleven years….”
“Eight.”
The response was so soft Buck almost missed it. He frowned in confusion.
“What?”
“I said, eight.”
“Now Junior, I ain’t no math whiz like JD, but even I can tell the difference between eight and eleven. Sarah and Adam have been gone for eleven years.”
Vin’s mouth tightened. He clearly did not want to have this conversation.
“They was married eight years.”
“Yeah…,” Buck frowned. “And they had their little boy for six.”
“Eight years, Buck.”
The bigger man wiped his face with his hand and chuffed in exasperation.
“I know you don’t say more than a half-dozen words in a day, Tanner, but I really need you to help me out here.”
Vin put his food down and didn’t make any pretense of trying to eat. He stared at his lover’s oldest friend while making the decision whether to continue. Buck tried to wait patiently, knowing that even after all these years, trust came slowly to the younger agent.
“Chris an’ I…,”
He stopped and took a deep breath.
“Eight years. Eight years, Buck. Chris an’ I have been t’gether eight years.”
The realization hit Buck like a blow to his gut.
“Ah, Vin…”
He leaned across the table the placed a large hand on the slender shoulder. With his other hand he gently placed two fingers under the downcast chin and raised the fine-boned face until he could see into those expressive eyes.
“It’s okay, Vin. It’s okay. He loves you. He loves YOU.”
“I know. I do.”
“Did Chris say something?” Buck asked, trying to understand.
“No. Of course not.”
“Well, hell. There you go. Did he act like something was off, or bring up the number of years?”
“No.”
“I’m trying to figure this out, but you gotta help me out here a little.”
Vin sighed heavily, and Buck leaned back in his own seat to give him some space and room to breathe. He knew the younger man sometimes needed time to get his thoughts together.
“Shit, Buck. It doesn’t even make sense to me. I know that Chris don’t think nothin’ about it. But I can’t help feelin’ like somethin’s…., I don’t know…. wrong, somehow. He was married for eight years. And now we’ve been t’gether eight years. Somehow I jist feel like…., whatever comes next is going to take away from that. From them. Or from what they had. Ah, hell. That sounds like a pile a’ shit even ta me.”
“It ain’t a pile a’ shit, Tanner. But you got it all wrong. Chris ain’t ever looked at it being a competition between you and Sarah. And he ain’t ever looked at you being a replacement for her. What you have is special. Real special. Larabee wasn’t ever looking to remarry. He didn’t want another wife, another child. He loved them two people with all his heart, and when they died, I thought he was going to die, too.”
Buck paused a moment to let his words sink in.
“It took everything I had in me to pull him back from the edge, and after a couple years he started dating every so often. Pretty much just to shut me up, I think.”
Vin’s lips quirked with the tiniest of smiles.
“But nothing took. Hell, Mary Travis did everything she could to get him to fall for her. Threw herself at him. Pushed her son in front of him and had Billy ask Chris to take him fishing or go to his ball games and school programs. She’d dress up in tight, low-cut outfits and ‘happened’ to stop by the office on her way upstairs to see Travis, ‘requested his company’ at charity events. She was everything he should have wanted in a wife, and I confess I did more than my share to push them together.
“But that day…, that day in the warehouse, once he saw you, he never had eyes for anyone else. Oh, I know he didn’t admit it even to himself for awhile, and I ain’t askin’ when you first got together,” he winked and waggled his eyebrows, causing Vin to blush.
“But you, son. You’re it for Chris. He loves you, and nothing – nothing – from the future the two of you have together is going to take anything away from his memories of what he had with Sarah and Adam.”
“You’re right, Buck. I know you’re right. I jist can’t help feelin’ like I’m gittin’ more than my share of him, or somethin’. Like I’ve used up all the time with him I deserve.”
“Vin Tanner,” Buck said firmly, fixing Vin with a serious gaze. “You, son, just ain’t used to having things last in your life. But this, this is going to last. This is forever with Chris. Our jobs are dangerous, of course; hell, that ain’t nothing you don’t know. But you listen to this, and you listen good. He loved Sarah. But they fought, too. I know that Chris has told you this, but you need to be reminded right now. Sarah wanted him to quit. Especially after Adam was born. She wanted him in a job with steady hours, one where he’d be home for dinner every night at a set time. There were things he couldn’t talk to her about; things he couldn’t share with her. But there is nothing he can’t share with you.”
Wilmington paused and took a deep breath.
“And one more thing. Chris don’t feel guilty about that. He might have a little at one time. He told me that he couldn’t help being a little worried that maybe he loved you a little more than he did Sarah. But different love doesn’t take anything away from what they had. He told me once that he finally figured out that having your love was the only thing that made life worth living again. He loves you more than anything, and I’ve never seen two people more in love than you and Chris. And I mean, never. He loves you, Vin. He loves you with all his soul.”
“I jist sometimes can’t help thinkin’ that if she’d lived, I never would have had Chris. We might have been friends, I might have stayed on the team, but at the same time I don’t know whether I could have stood bein’ around him all th’ time an’ not havin’ ‘im. I don’t feel glad that they died…, I don’t!”
“Hey! Hey, hold on there. No one thinks that. Chris sure as hell don’t think that. He’s not glad they died, even though he wouldn’t have you if they’d lived. It’s just one of those things. You can’t over think it, and you can’t feel guilty about something that neither of you wanted or planned or had any damn thing to do with. You had a shitty life, Vin. When your ma died when you were just little, your life went to hell after that. You’ve seen and done things and endured things and survived things that no one should have to survive. Chris had a great life until he lost his wife and little boy, and I thought the grief might kill him. But he survived.”
Buck swallowed hard and pointed his finger at Vin.
“But you do not – neither one of you – feel the least bit guilty about finding each other, about loving each other. Damnit, maybe the very fact that you both went through hell to come out the other side and find each other is the very gift that God has given you both. You both had every call to be angry, bitter men; you, Vin, could have easily turned to a life of crime in order to survive. But you are one of the most honest, upstanding, decent, compassionate people I have ever had the privilege, and the honor, to know. You are my friend, Vin, and Chris is my oldest friend. No two people could more deserve the love you have for each other. And you need to stop second-guessing your happiness, son. I know you’re skittish. I know you were told so often in your life that you don’t deserve good things that you’ve come to believe it. But I’m here to tell you that you do deserve happiness. You deserve good things. And you deserve the love that Christopher Adam Larabee has for you with all his heart and mind and soul.”
Vin sighed heavily, and Buck watched the emotions play over his expressive features as the younger man wrestled with his thoughts.
“Thanks, Buck. I’m sorry.”
The big man shook his head.
“You don’t have nothing to be sorry for. I’m just sorry you were worried about this for nothing. Chris has great memories of Sarah and Adam, but they take away nothing from the wonderful memories he’s making with you. I love you, you scrawny Texan. I love you just as much as I loved them, and maybe a little more. And I am not going to feel guilty about that, either, because Chris was lucky enough to get twice what most people don’t even get once: true, deep, abiding, passionate love.”
The two friends exchanged a look, and Vin was deeply touched by the level of sincerity he saw in the eyes of his lover’s oldest friend.
“You’re a good friend, Bucklin. The best.”
“Aw, hell. I hate to see a friend hurting. And I’m talking about you, Junior. Not Chris this time. Does he know what’s been going on in that hard head of yours?”
Vin was suddenly fascinated with rearranging his tableware.
“I didn’t think so. Has he noticed that something’s wrong?”
A tensing of Vin’s shoulders gave him the answer.
“I thought so. Did he ask you what’s going on with you?”
A barely perceptible nod.
“Uh, huh. And you didn’t tell him, did you.”
It wasn’t a question.
“Well, hell, Bucklin. I couldn’t. I hardly knew myself what I was thinking, and when I did get it sort of figured out, it didn’t even make sense ta me. How was I supposed to get it to make sense ta him? Not to mention that conversation: Uh, Chris. I jist want ya ta know that I’m maybe glad your family died ‘cause otherwise we wouldn’t be t’gether. An’ now I’m gonna have longer with you than they did so my love with you is the best, an’ I’m the ‘winner’ or somethin’.”
“That ain’t what you were feeling, and you know it!”
“I know that now. I jist got all caught up in the dates, ya know? But you did a good job explainin’ it, Bucklin.”
“Good. You ever need set straight, you just come to Uncle Buck. And you set all those fears to rest. I’ve never seen any – any – two people more in love or more perfect for each other than you two. At first I admit that when I found out, I didn’t give it two months. But it didn’t take long to realize that what you two have is the real thing. Vin, the fact you’ve had eight years with him is nothing short of incredible. You bring out the best in him, Vin Tanner. And he brings out the best in you.”
“Thanks, Buck. For everything.”
“You’re welcome. Now, eat your burger before it’s impossibly cold. And no more second-guessing your right to happiness.”
“’Kay.”
“I mean it. Don’t make me get Josiah to sit you down and explain this to you, too.”
Vin sputtered on the sip of water he’d just started to drink. Buck laughed out loud, happy to see the light back in those impossibly blue eyes. Poor kid, he thought. Maybe in another ten years he’d realize that it was okay to be happy. It was okay to love, and to love without apology. They had dangerous jobs, and he lifted a quick prayer that Chris and Vin would stay safe and healthy until they were both able to retire many long years from now.
+ + + + + + +
Chris was staring intently at the door when Buck and Vin came back from lunch. At Buck’s barely perceptible nod, Larabee visibly relaxed. He nodded back, the relief evident in his face.
At mid-afternoon, Vin received a call to go down to the firing range. His new assault rifle had arrived by special shipment, and he was scheduled to go down and do some testing with the head of their artillery department. He grabbed a sweatshirt from his bag under his desk. The underground firing range was always cold, and he’d need more than the jacket he kept down there.
“Buck! My office.”
“Well, that didn’t take long,” Ezra muttered dryly.
“You’re just jealous you didn’t take Vin to lunch.”
“I would never presume to trod upon Mr. Tanner’s privacy. Especially when it might incur the wrath of Mr. Larabee. However, I am not about to let a friend suffer, and had you failed in your mission, I might have been forced to take matters into my own hands. Purely for the sake of preventing lost efficiency in the field, of course,” he sniffed, straightening his cuffs.
“Ezra, Tanner was right. You’re a fraud.”
“I daresay I have no idea what you are talking about.”
“Right. You just stick to that story.”
The door was barely latched when Chris turned anxiously from where he was studying the Denver skyline.
“Is he okay? What’s going on, Buck?”
“He won’t talk to you?”
Chris snorted.
“I swear, if I heard, ‘I’m fine,’ one more time I was going to wring his scrawny neck!”
Buck laughed out loud.
“I thought so.”
“So, what is going on with him, Buck? Why won’t he tell me? Does it have something to do with Sarah and Adam?”
“Yeah, but maybe not what you think.”
“I’m handling it. I’m handling it maybe better than I ever have. Each year it gets just a little easier. Not that I don’t miss them, but…, I guess I’m not devastated. I can remember the good times and think of the good memories, without being torn apart. And Vin is a big part of that, Buck. He’s the reason I can go on. God, I love him so much. I don’t want him upset by this. I’m doing okay.”
“That’s the problem.”
“What?!”
“Whoa…, that wasn’t how I meant it to come out. I think Vin feels guilty that you don’t feel worse. That somehow it’s his ‘fault’ that you aren’t more torn up.”
“That makes no sense, Buck.”
“I know that! And I think – I hope – that I finally convinced Vin of that. Hell, that’s not right. He knew it didn’t make sense. But you know that boy. He was all caught up in the fact that you had eight years with Sarah, and now you and he have had eight years together…”
“Oh my God.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m going to kick his skinny Texas butt.”
“No you’re not,” Buck shook his head fondly. “You’re going to take that boy home, build a big fire in the fireplace, make him a nice dinner, and then hold him and convince him that you love him more than anything.”
Chris flashed a wry grin.
“Yeah, I am. But I sure wish he didn’t think so much.”
“He is a worrier. At least about the things that matter the most to him. Even after all this time he still doesn’t really trust that this love is going to last, and he really may never truly believe that he’s allowed to be happy. That he’s worthy of being loved totally and completely.”
“Oh, God. Remember when he left that pin on Sarah’s grave? I fucked that up royally – accusing him of having another lover.”
Wilmington grimaced at the memory.
“We all fucked that up. Tanner didn’t even know that what you were angry about was the thought that he was having an affair, that he was in love with a woman. He was convinced you knew it was for Sarah and that you were livid he was even daring to think about her.”
“God, it took me forever to make it up to him.”
“The worst of it was, he felt like he was in the wrong and that you had every reason to be furious with him. He thought he was going to lose you over that.”
“And then I thought I was going to lose him three years ago.”
“I remember. It was when you two hit your five-year anniversary.”
“He’d never been with anyone more than five years, and that was when he couldn’t even remember most of it because he was just a baby. His mom died when he was five, and nothing else in his life had lasted that long. At least the bad stuff didn’t last more than five years, except that most of the time it went from one bad situation to another even worse situation.”
“No wonder that boy was so freaked out. When he first came to us, the kid was like a skittish wolf, hanging around the edges of society ready to bolt at the first sign someone might look at him sideways,” Buck shook his head. “Half the time we forgot or didn’t know he was even there until he said something. And, hell, we all know how rare that is.”
“I thought we’d had him convinced he was safe with us,” Chris grew solemn at the memory of that time.
“We did. You did. He just needed a little remindin’.”
Buck leered at Chris and waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
“Maybe Junior just needs a little remindin’ again.”
“Shit, Buck. You never change, do you?”
“Nope. As your young lover would say, that’s part of my charm.”
“You do know that my ‘young’ lover is now thirty-three, right? And that you’re nearly a dozen years older than that?”
Buck gasped, hand flying to his heart.
“Bite your tongue!”
“Hey, I could have told the truth and said ‘more than’ a dozen! You could settle down any time now, Buck. I know you love the ladies – all the ladies. But believe me, when you find the right one, there’s something pretty magical about being with that one special person. The one who knows you better than you know yourself, and loves you anyway.”
Instead of making a smart-ass comeback, Buck grew thoughtful.
“He’s good for you, Chris. The best. I envy what you two have together. Maybe…, some day…, there might be that special person out there for me.”
“Might be, Buck. I hope so, I truly do,” he grasped the bigger man firmly on his shoulder and squeezed.
“And now,” he continued, looking at the clock and seeing that it was nearly quitting time, “I need to go round up Vin and head out to the ranch.”
“Let him know how much you love him. Let him know that loving you – and you loving him – takes nothing away from what you had with Sarah and Adam.”
“I will. Thanks, Buck. You’re a good friend. And thanks for what you did for Vin. I’m grateful.”
“Yeah, well. I hate seein’ that boy worried, especially when he has no reason to. It’s a sad enough anniversary as it is, but I don’t want him making things worse on himself. Vin doesn’t usually borrow trouble, but he’s a little scared of lasting happiness.”
“He’s got nothing to worry about from me as far as that goes. But I may just have to take him home and remind him.”
“Do I get the details tomorrow?” Buck asked gleefully.
“You get the details never,” Chris shoved him toward the door. “Don’t think about it, Buck. Just don’t think about it.”
“It’s hard, Stud. That kid is as sexy now as the first time we saw him in the warehouse before you got him on the team. He doesn’t look a day over twenty-five.”
“And he makes me feel eighteen, Stud. Like I’m still eighteen.”
With a wink and a grin, Chris blew past the open-mouthed Wilmington, leaving him wide-eyed and slack-jawed as the elevator opened and closed.
“Well, hot damn!”
+ + + + + + +
The two men rode home in a companionable silence, Vin more relaxed than he’d been in the past two weeks. Tanner took care of the horses while Chris heated leftover beef stew and put frozen rolls in to bake. Vin was cleaned up and changed by the time dinner was ready. They ate and straightened the kitchen, and Vin went to start a fire in the fireplace while Chris locked up and grabbed a couple beers from the fridge.
Chris sat at the corner of the couch, watching a moment to enjoy the play of firelight over his lover’s fine features. Vin’s cheekbones and strong jaw were as handsome now as they had been when the two men first met, and while his own hair was starting to thin, Vin’s was as silky and luxurious as ever. Vin still had not an ounce of fat on him, and by running together, Chris was in amazing shape for his age. He had been right when he told Buck that Vin kept him young. What he hadn’t felt the need to share with Buck was that he found Tanner every bit as sexy and hot as that first day they met.
Vin turned his head and smiled softly at Chris, almost as though he knew with the older man was thinking.
“Come here, you,” the blond smiled, holding out his hand.
Vin rose in one fluid motion from where he’d been crouching on his heels building the fire, and moved gracefully across the room. He settled between Chris’s legs stretched out on the couch, and curved his lean body next to Chris’s chest. The older man handed him a cold bottle of beer, then circled his younger lover with strong arms around his chest.
“Umm,” Vin murmured. “This is nice.”
“Yep. My favorite part of the day.”
They watched the flames awhile longer, sipping at their beer and just enjoying being together. Finally Chris broke the silence.
“So, what’s this about you being worried about us being together longer than I was with Sarah.”
Vin snorted.
“Bucklin must have set a record runnin’ into your office from the minute I left for the firin’ range.”
“Bucklin didn’t run into my office. I called him in.”
“Ya did?”
“I did. I was worried about you, Tanner.”
“I’m…”
“You tell me you’re fine and I’ll beat your ass.”
Vin twisted around and glared at him.
“Okay. Fine. Maybe I wasn’t fine then, but I’m fine now. And I can think of a lotta things I’d like you ta do ta my ass.”
That image along with Vin’s raspy voice shot straight to Chris’s groin, and his pants tightened immediately.
“Nope, you’re not changing the subject, pard,” Chris grinned. “I know you too well.”
Vin huffed and crossed his arms over his chest.
“Goddamn uppity cowboy…,”
“Not uppity. In love. And wanting to make sure that you know it.”
Vin’s eyes widened and he drew in a sharp breath.
Chris nodded.
“Now. You listen to me. I love you, Vin. And you’re not ‘second best’ in my life. What happened before was terrible, but there’s nothing that can be done to change the past. What I have with you is just as important; you are just as precious to me. And I love you more every single day that I have with you. So I don’t want you ever thinking that you don’t deserve happiness. Or that I’m only with you while wishing I was with them. It’s not that way for me, Tanner. You got that?”
“Yeah,” Vin sighed. “But…,”
“No buts. It’s exciting to me that we’ve been together longer than eight years now. I never made the connection to this date and that it’s more years than I had with them. But I want forever with you, Vin Tanner. Sarah with eight years and Adam with six…, it doesn’t matter. The fact that I will have longer with you takes nothing away from what I had with them. I know you don’t think that because I’ve had longer with you than you had with your mother, that takes away from the time you had with her.
“That’s different, and you know it.”
“I do know that it’s different, baby, but at the same time it makes about as much sense.”
Vin sighed deeply.
“Okay. I’m being stupid, I know. I’ll take every day, every minute, I have with you. And I won’t feel guilty about it, or feel like because I’m here, I’m takin’ away from anything they had with you or you had with them.”
“That’s the spirit. Except for the being stupid part. You know you’re not allowed to say that, right?”
“Ummm.,.,” Vin ducked his head and looked up at Chris through long, dark lashes. Chris swallowed hard at the sight of those damn blue ‘puppy dog’ eyes, and felt his jeans tighten. “Mebbe I need ta be reminded. Taught th’ error of my ways.”
Chris’s mouth turned into a lecherous smile.
“You may be right about that, Tanner. I may need to teach you a lesson.”
Vin set his beer bottle down on the end table, and Chris’s empty bottle plunked down solidly beside it.
Chris’s arms went around the lean waist of his younger lover, and Vin momentarily tensed when he suspected that Chris was going to tickle him. Instead, the older man held Vin firmly but gently, pulling him into a soft, sensual kiss. Their mouths opened to the other, as tongues found and circled in a wonderful expression of their love. Chris was determined that Vin not feel fucked, but loved. Not that they didn’t like it hard and fast sometimes, but Chris knew that tonight was a night for slow and gentle love-making.
“Come to the bedroom with me?” Chris whispered after they broke apart to get some air. He touched his forehead to Vin’s, rubbing gentle circles on his back.
“’Kay.”
The two men slowly untangled from each other, and Vin banked the fire in the fireplace while Chris shut off lights and double-checked the alarms. They walked down the hall with Chris’s arm around Vin’s shoulders and Vin’s arm around Chris’s waist. They bumped into the wall in the dark as they stumbled while trying to kiss, and that made them laugh and shake their heads.
“Let’s get into the bedroom before we have to explain our bruises to Nathan,” Chris grinned in the dark.
The two men took turns in the bathroom, getting ready for bed and brushing their teeth. Vin made sure he was last, so that hopefully Chris would have started warming up the sheets.
The soft light from the bathroom created a halo around Vin as he came into the bedroom. His shiny hair gleamed in the light, and Chris’s eyes traveled down his sculpted torso.
“God, you’re beautiful,” Chris breathed.
“Damn, Cowboy,” Vin shook his head. “I was just about to say the same thing to you.”
In all the years they had been together, time hadn’t changed how sexy they each found the other. Chris’s hair was starting to thin just a bit, but it still held the golden light of silk that Vin had always loved. Both men were lean and fit and strong, and while Chris’s body had started to show the passage of time, he was in amazing shape for his age and could easily pass for ten or even fifteen year’s younger. Vin knew that he would always love the man and find him sexy when he was in his eighties and beyond.
Vin slipped under the covers that Chris held open for him, and easily returned the embrace that years of time had only perfected. Their lips met in a kiss that was both comfortable and easy yet passionate. The years of lovemaking had only refined and perfected the experience; each man knew what to do to drive the other to the brink of intense desire, and then knew ways to make it last until they crashed over the edge together.
Their arms twined around each other, and legs slipped between legs while the kiss continued. Vin had never been kissed before Chris had taught him the magic of a perfect kiss, and Vin never tired of the experience. Soon, however, kissing wasn’t enough, and hands roamed from the rubbing of backs and sides to exploring further and more intensely.
“Ride me, Vin,” Chris whispered huskily. “I want you on top of me.”
Vin moaned at the desire and want in the voice he loved. He broke from Chris’s arms and reached across to get the lube from the bedside table.
“Get me ready?”
His blue eyes were nearly black with desire, and his body was already flushed. Chris took the tube and grinned.
“Turn over.”
Vin maneuvered off of Chris’s body, and got on his hands and knees in the center of the bed. Chris knee-walked behind him, his eyes glittering. When he got behind Vin, he rubbed his hands over that tanned, muscled back, his long fingers massaged the smooth skin and traced along the ribs and spine.
“Hurry up, Lar’bee,” Vin growled. The delay was pure torment as his dick was rock hard.
Chris smacked the perfect ass with a slap.
“On your elbows, Tanner. Head down.”
The younger man complied, and Chris swallowed hard as the new position angled that gorgeous ass up toward him. Damn. He didn’t know whether he’d be able to last much longer himself.
Squeezing a little of the lube into his hand, he warmed the gel a moment before rubbing a finger over the tiny opening. Vin gasped, and Chris paused briefly while his other hand soothed over the knobby spine. Without warning, Chris plunged a finger into the tight opening.
Vin moaned softly.
“All right?” Chris asked with concern.
“You don’t keep going, neither one of us is goin’ ta be all right.”
Chris chuckled and pulled out, but immediately re-entered with two fingers. He rubbed across Vin’s ass cheeks with his one hand, while twisting and loosening the tiny opening with the fingers of his other hand. When he felt the muscle relax, without withdrawing he added a third finger.
“God, Vin,” he breathed. “So hot. So tight.”
“Chrisss….”
Larabee slapped the rounded ass cheek, and kicked at Vin’s leg with his knee.
“Spread ‘em, Tanner.”
Vin complied, and the shift in angle had Chris hitting the pleasure spot inside him.
“Oh, God, Chris!” Vin panted.
Chris knew they were both close.
“Fuck. I’m gonna come without even being inside you,” Chris gasped. “So fuckin’ hot. You are so fuckin’ sexy.”
He entered a fourth finger, making a cone shape of his four fingers, and thought he might shoot his load just from the sight of his hand being inside Vin’s tiny opening. It was one of the most erotic, sexiest thing he’d ever seen. Both men were gleaming with sweat, the soft light glowing on firmly muscled bodies and adding highlights to straight golden and wavy caramel-brown hair.
“Chris,” Vin gasped. “Need ya, Cowboy. I need ya now!”
That was all he needed to hear, because the sound of that raspy voice was about to send him over the edge. Quickly he pulled out, and Vin whimpered at the feeling of loss. Chris flopped on his back, propped up with pillows piled near the headboard. It didn’t take long for Vin to straddle the older man. Chris held his own rock-hard dick, gritting his teeth as he fought for control. Vin braced his hands flat on Chris’s chest, his thumbs teasing at the pointed nipples.
“Don’t!” Chris gasped through clenched teeth. His green eyes met blue ones nearly navy with desire. “Not if you want this to last more than three seconds.”
The cocky little bastard smirked, but then closed his eyes as he lowered his body slowly onto Chris’s shaft. A shudder ran through him and he paused briefly to let his body adjust to the feeling of fullness. The flash of pain passed quickly, and then it was only the amazing feeling of being loved that overwhelmed him.
Chris removed his hand as soon as the head of his dick breached the tiny opening. Both men were panting and gasping at the tight heat as Vin’s body accepted and surrounded the thickness and fullness of Chris’s cock. Chris reached up and took Vin’s forearms, lifting them up to grasp the top railing of the headboard. With Vin leaning over him, it left Chris’s hands free to gently pull and twist the tiny, perfect nipples of his younger lover. He stared, mesmerized, at the sight of that taut, well-muscled torso curving above him, his eyes tracing the patterns of ridges of bone and muscle, ribs and nipples and collarbone. Nobody was as sexy as Vin Tanner. In all the times they had made love, from slow and sweet to hard and fast and everything in between, neither man ever lost that feeling that was just as strong and as amazing as the first time.
Vin bit at his lower lip and rocked his hips, and the resulting change in the angle of their joining left both men breathless. Vin’s hair was damp with sweat, and Chris felt sweat from his own face trickling down into his hair above his ears. Neither man paid much attention, however, so caught up in the passion of sensation that left them moaning and panting for air.
Suddenly Vin released his death grip on the wooden headboard. He straightened up and reached behind him, arching his back. His long, strong fingers gripped the taut thighs above Chris’s knees. Vin’s long neck tilted backward, his damp curling hair trailing down behind his shoulders. The arch in his back stretched the flawless body tight. Hard-packed muscles were sharply defined over the curve of ribs, and Chris’s breath was taken away at the sight of the strong, broad shoulders narrowing to the still-tiny waist. If anything, the passage of time had made Vin even more desirable to him.
Chris couldn’t keep his hands off Vin’s body, his thumb pads traced and pushed on the taut nipples, then slid down the ridge of Tanner’s ribcage. Vin’s fingers grasped Chris’s legs so tightly that he would have fingertip bruises the next day. Neither man could last much longer.
Chris forcefully gripped Vin’s hipbones, and using the strength in his arms he lifted the smaller man up, slamming him back down as he dug his heels into the mattress and levered his own hips up, pounding his cock inside his lover. Vin’s face with tight with the exquisite torture of all-engulfing pleasure, as Chris’s dick brushed against that special place inside him over and over. The frantic motion sent sparks of passion bursting through his lover’s body, and Vin was consumed with the intensity of sensations overwhelming them both.
“God, Vin. Damn. You are so tight. So hot…., so beautiful.”
Chris grunted and increased the force of snapping his hips upward while pounding Vin onto his cock, and then lifting the smaller body only to withdraw until only the swollen head was encased in his lover. Vin was helping with the strength of his own powerful thigh muscles, but both men were weakening from their frenzied efforts.
Chris kept one hand on Vin’s hips, and his other hand moved to press into Vin’s lower belly. His hand pressed in, with his thumb and forefinger on either side of Vin’s proudly jutting cock without touching it. Vin moaned and his head thrashed from side to side.
“Ohgodohgodohgod…. Chrisssssssssss!”
“Look at me, Vin.”
Hazy, unfocused navy blue eyes finally met his, both men panting and tense. It took a moment for Chris to sense that Vin even recognized him.
“Come for me, Vin. I want to see you when you come.”
His fist circled Vin’s hard, swollen cock, and Vin cried out from the intense sensations exploding through him. His gaze was locked with Chris’s, and each man stared into the other’s soul with pure and overwhelming love. Chris’s hand pumped Vin’s cock, and as he continued, Vin suddenly tensed and his body froze. He clenched his muscles around the shaft plunged deeply inside him, and Chris also gasped and froze. For a moment he couldn’t breathe.
Both men exploded with a ferocious orgasm. Heavy streams of come shot from Vin’s cock, covering Chris’s chest and belly. The two men tensed, bodies rigid with muscles outlined as they stilled, suspended in time. Vin clenched Chris tightly inside his body. Finally with a gasp, both men cried out and shuddered violently.
With a wordless gasp Vin collapsed on top of Chris’s body. The older man circled Vin with his arms, hugging the damp body closely to his own. The only sound in the room for several long minutes was panting breaths finally slowing to normal breathing. Chris kissed the sweaty curls, and felt Vin’s smile against his chest.
“I love you, Tanner.”
“Love you, too, Lar’bee…”
The men were nearly asleep when Chris nudged Vin gently.
“Wake up a minute.”
Vin frowned and pushed at him.
“Don’t wanna…,” a sleepy voice insisted.
Chris grinned at how much his lover could sound like a pouting four-year-old.
“Come on, Tanner. Time to get cleaned up. Then you can go beddy-bye.”
“I’ll ‘beddy-bye’ your ass,” Vin scowled.
Chris moved just enough that his softened cock slid from the body of the younger man. Vin grimaced slightly at the loss, and Chris frowned. He lifted his hand to cup the slightly whiskered cheek, and used his thumb to raise Vin’s head until he could see into those deep blue eyes.
“Hey,” he said with concern. “You okay?”
Vin grinned softly back at him.
“Never better, Cowboy. Love you so much.”
Chris smiled and raised his neck for a kiss. Unlike the passionate ones from before, this kiss was gentle and soft but no less full of love.
Reluctantly they broke apart, and to Vin’s surprise and pleasure Chris reached for him and they held hands as they walked across the large bedroom to the master bath. The men decided to skip a shower until morning, but got cleaned up and took turns getting ready for bed. Chris knew from past experience to let Vin go first in the bathroom, and used the time to strip the bedding from the mattress and put on clean sheets. Vin grinned a sheepish ‘thank-you,’ knowing that if it was left to him, he would have just found a dry spot on the bed and let Chris deal with whatever space was left. In only the few minutes’ time until Chris crawled in next to him, Vin was already almost asleep curled up on his side, breathing softly.
Chris frowned thoughtfully, and sighed. His thoughts returned unbidden to the first time he had noticed that Vin always slept on his side. They had been lovers for a short period of time, and as Chris thought back over the times when Vin had been in the hospital even before they were together as a couple he had noticed that Vin would sleep on his side as soon as he was healed enough and physically able to move into that position.
He winced inwardly, not sure whether he should regret the unthinking comment he had made at the time, or whether he should be thankful that Tanner had actually told him the reason. Of course, he was practically asleep at the time, and his deep tiredness had probably been the reason he had let down his guard enough to share. That, and hopefully, Chris grinned faintly, the fact that they had just finished bone-melting sex. The fact that Vin trusted him enough for that, and then trusted him with his secrets from the past, made Chris love him that much more.
He couldn’t help but remember . . .
+ + + + + + +
Vin was curled tightly on his side, half asleep when Chris lifted the corner of the bedding and slid in. He got comfortable on his back, and Vin instinctively scooted closer to put his head on Chris’s shoulder as he raised his arm to curl over the broad, tanned shoulders.
“You sleep okay that way?” he asked. They’d only been lovers a few weeks, and Chris was slightly concerned that Vin was uncomfortable sleeping this way, but did it just to be closer to him.
“Huh?”
“On your side. Are you comfortable not sleeping on your back?”
“Always slept on my side. Ever since I was a kid.”
“Just seems like most people sleep on their back, is all.”
Vin’s raspy voice was soft and breathy with near sleep, and he sighed.
“When I was on th’ streets, ya learn quick that ya gotta sleep on yer side curled around your stuff. Hard enough ta sleep as it was. Always worried about who was out there comin’ after me. An’ before that when I was a kid, a lotta them foster places believed in usin’ the belt for whenever I was in trouble. An’ I was in trouble a lot. So most times my back was too bruised an’ sore to lie flat. Got used ta sleepin’ on my side. Didn’t hurt s’ much.”
Chris swallowed hard and blinked unbidden tears from his eyes at the matter-of-fact explanation. He could picture a young Vin Tanner, all bony arms and legs, wild hair and huge blue eyes. It made him sick to think of a man taking a belt to that boy. He realized that this was the explanation for the faint scars he had seen on Vin’s back, that he had never asked about and Vin had never volunteered that information. What kind of beatings would leave scars still visible this many years later? Just imagining what had happened made him both furious and sick to his stomach.
“Well, get used to this,” Chris said, fiercely tightening his arm around the younger man. “You’re sleepin’ in my arms from now on. I’ll keep you safe, and watch your back. You sleep, and know that I’ve got you now. You’re mine, and I’m keepin’ you safe.”
“Like that idea, Chris. Like it a lot…,” Vin whispered as he dropped off to sleep.
Chris was awake for nearly an hour, thinking over what Vin had said, and how ‘right’ it felt for Vin to be here, in his bed, in his arms, with his body tucked closely to Chris’s and his head on Chris’s shoulder and chest. While the past forced Vin to sleep on his side out of fear and pain, he knew that now, and from now on, Vin would sleep on his side out of love.
+ + + + + + +
Chris crossed the room and got into bed, while Vin fit his body against his, fit his head on Chris’s chest, and Chris’s arm surrounded his shoulders. It was natural and as automatic as breathing for them, and Chris felt again the overwhelming love he had for this man.
Vin’s soft breath puffed Chris’s chest hairs as he murmured, “Love ya, Cowboy.”
“Love you, too, Tanner. I got your back. You sleep now, you’re safe.”
So faint Chris wasn’t sure he even heard it, but there it was.
“I know…, I know.”
“Always, Vincent Michael Tanner. Always.”
+ + + + + + +
The next morning dawned overcast and gray. The sky was dark with clouds, but the forecast predicted the rain would hold off until evening. Either way, the gloomy weather matched the somber mood of the two men. They held each other close for several long moments before Vin ghosted Chris with a soft kiss and then slid wordlessly out of bed and headed for the bathroom.
He wasn’t in there long, then passed the older man as they met in the doorway. Chris gave Vin a half smile and nodded. Vin searched his eyes, nodding back when he recognized the truth. Chris Larabee would be okay. This would be a hard day, but with the support of his friends and the all-encompassing love of his partner, he would be okay.
The guys had all volunteered to go with them to Sarah and Adam’s gravesite. It would have been especially easy to accept their offer, since the anniversary of their deaths fell on a Saturday this year and not a weekday. Chris turned them down, stating he would pass on being with the guys today. When Chris had turned away from the team after saying no, Vin had seen their looks of disappointment.
Surprisingly enough, it was Vin who talked Larabee into a compromise. It was the lean Texan who reminded his partner of all the times the men had insisted on being there for himself; the vigils they had sat in hospitals when Vin couldn’t understand why they didn’t just go home. At the time, Chris had patiently explained to their newest member, a loner for so long, that they were more than a team. That friends did that for each other. That family did that for each other. So it was then that Chris finally agreed to meeting up with the guys later at a small get-together.
Vin had pulled Josiah aside and thoughtfully asked if it would be too much trouble to have their gathering at his place. His large Victorian home had plenty of space, and Josiah realized immediately that Vin not only wanted this not to have the same feeling as their usual socializing – which could quickly become wild and raucous – but it would also be easier for Chris and Vin to make their good-byes and leave if it wasn’t at their own home. Not that the gathering would become as wild as it could get when they normally got together, but Tanner also warned them all against being too morose. It wasn’t all to be about Sarah and Adam. Chris would be sad, but was also able to remember the good times and happy memories from his eight years as a husband and six as a dad. They could still have a good time as friends who enjoyed each others’ company without the day being totally depressing.
Vin went out to take care of the horses while Chris got through the shower and got dressed, and then Vin came in to shower while Chris started breakfast. It was a routine the men followed most weekday mornings, and leant some normalcy to the day.
Vin breathed deeply as the smell of coffee beckoned him, and he could hear the bacon sizzling in the pan. He hesitated, wondering for the hundredth time whether he was making a mistake. Straightening his shoulders, he scolded himself.
‘Boy, you’re a Tanner. An’ Tanners ain’t cowards. Jist get in there and do this. ‘Sides, ya love him. Even if it hurts him, he’ll know that love was behind it.’
Vin signed deeply, then set the box on the small table in the hall.
‘Well, it ain’t like I’m not gonna give it to him. Jist gonna wait until after we eat is all.’
When Vin entered the kitchen, Chris glanced at him, then froze and stared in awe.
Vin was beautiful.
His hair hung to his shoulders in shiny waves, the glints of reddish gold gleaming among the rich brown strands. His blue eyes were wide and huge above his high, hard cheekbones. The smooth skin from his early morning shave, combined with the hair worn long, took ten years off his age. In contrast to his normal flannel or button-down shirt worn over a tee-shirt or Henley – or both – Vin was wearing the soft charcoal grey turtleneck sweater that Chris had bought him as a surprise earlier that fall. Chris had been walking back to the office after running errands following a dentist appointment, and the sight of this sweater in the department store window had the older man making a detour into the store. The grey sweater was trimmed with a band of sky blue – the exact blue of Vin’s eyes.
The sweater looked amazing on Vin. It fit him perfectly, emphasizing the broad shoulders, flat stomach, and small waist and hips. It was tucked into new black dress slacks, and a narrow belt further emphasized his narrow waist. The turtleneck caressed his long neck, and drew attention to the fine-boned features of his chiseled face.
The effect was stunning. Chris always knew Vin was an attractive man, and age had only enhanced rather than detracted from his good looks. But now, with the hair, the face, the eyes, the body, the sweater and slacks – it was like a GQ model had walked into his kitchen.
“God, Vin.”
Tanner’s eyes got bigger, and he frowned in confusion.
“You’re starin’.”
Chris blinked.
“You are so beautiful.”
Vin blushed a faint pink and shook his head. Long lashes brushed against the high cheekbones as he looked down and away. No matter how many times he heard this from his lover, he couldn’t believe it. In his mind he would always be that skinny, bony, awkward kid.
Chris turned off the stove and slid the pan from the burner. He crossed the kitchen and took his lover into his arms.
The two men held tightly to each other.
“You okay, Chris?”
The love and concern, and maybe a little worry, was evident in the soft rasp.
“I’m okay, Vin. But God, you look … stunning. I love that sweater on you.”
Vin pulled back a little, and Chris was relieved to see a faint sparkle in his eyes.
“It’s real soft.”
“The blue caught my eye. You know that, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I reckon I remember hearin’ you say a time ‘r two that you like blue.”
They grinned at each other foolishly, then Chris grew serious.
“Thanks for wearing it today, Vin. Thanks for dressing up for Sarah and Adam. I appreciate it. And I know they would, too. Well, Sarah would, anyway…”
They smiled and chuckled softly, then moved to pour coffee and dish up the plates. They weren’t rushed. The guys would be at Josiah’s waiting on them whenever they got there. But at the same time, the rain might not hold off as long as the forecaster’s prediction, so they didn’t want to procrastinate too long.
After washing up the dishes, the men moved to the front room. As Chris was reaching for his coat, Vin reached out and put a hand on his forearm to stop him.
“Chris?”
Vin’s voice was soft and tense. Chris could see the anxious way his younger lover was biting his lip, and his stomach knotted. Maybe Vin didn’t want to go. Maybe he was having second thoughts and just wanted to meet up at Josiah’s. Maybe he didn’t even want Chris to go to the cemetery.
“What is it, Vin?”
Vin took a deep breath, and Chris waited patiently while he got his thoughts together. He tried to look calm, but was afraid he was failing miserably.
Finally Vin spoke.
“Remember back that first year, when I got that gift for Sarah’s grave? But you thought it was a gift for another woman? That I was dating someone else?”
Chris closed his eyes and nodded. That entire episode was extremely painful for him to remember. He couldn’t forgive himself for how totally and completely he had misjudged the love and trust of his partner.
“Well, when I was up in the attic lookin’ for them tax records, I found a small box wedged into a corner behind some other boxes an’ stuff. I found something in there, and I …, well, I ain’t sure right now I’m doin’ th’ right thing.”
Chris could see how nervous Vin was, and he hated to think that Vin seemed almost afraid of him. He realized he couldn’t keep silent.
“Vin, nothing you do is going to make me angry, all right? I love you, and I know how much you love me. You would never do anything to hurt me. That other time, years ago? I still can hardly forgive myself for my reaction. Believe me, that will not happen again.”
The sky blue eyes searched soft green ones for the truth.
“I promise,” Chris asserted.
Vin took another deep breath. He turned and reached behind him, and for the first time Chris saw the flat, wrapped gift box.
Chris looked at Vin questioningly, but Tanner’s expression was blank. With shaking fingers, not sure at all what to expect, he carefully removed the wrapping. Opening the lid and lifting back the tissue paper, he gasped.
Stunned, he stared down into the face of his son.
It was his favorite picture of Adam, taken only two weeks before his death. The picture had been lost in the horrific aftermath of their deaths, and months and years later Chris had searched for this picture off and on. He finally resigned himself to the fact that it was gone, most likely destroyed in one of his drunken rages.
Chris stared at the picture, paralyzed and unmoving, for so long that Vin started to panic.
“I’m sorry, Chris. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…”
“Shhh…., No! No, Vin. This is…, this is incredible. I… I can’t believe it… This was in the attic…? I thought I’d lost it forever….”
The blood started to come back in Vin’s face from where he had gone chalk white with fear that he had upset or angered Chris.
“So…, it’s okay…”
“Vin, it’s more than okay. It’s … amazing. I love it. I love you.”
The younger man moved to cross the distance, and Chris held out his arm to embrace his lover. He kissed his lips, then kissed the top of his curls as Vin rested his head on his shoulder, his strong arms wrapping around the lean waist of his older partner.
They both looked at the picture as Chris held it out. He couldn’t take his eyes off the smiling face of his son. His dear, dear son. This picture was the way he would always remember his Adam.
“It ain’t my poem, of course,” Vin commented.
“Huh?” Chris looked down at him.
“I…, well, for some reason I remembered this poem, and…, well…, I guess…, I guess I thought it fit.”
Chris looked again at the gift. He’d focused on the face of his son, but now realized that there was more than the photo. The frame was a collage style with two openings, the kind that would hold an individual photo and then a group shot of a sports team. Chris had seen these at his sister’s house, in frames where nieces and nephews had their individual photos matted along with team shots of their soccer and baseball teams.
This second opening, however, didn’t hold a team photo, or even a photo at all. In Vin’s best handwriting, in beautiful calligraphy, was a poem.
“It ain’t mine,” Vin’s soft rasp broke through Chris’s intense absorption.
“What?” Chris blinked.
“Jist…, wanted ta do this for him. An’ for you.”
“Thank you,” Chris said. “I love it. I truly love it, Vin. This is amazing. Do you mind if we put it on the mantle?”
Vin smiled softly, relieved that Chris liked it and touched that he even asked to give it a place of honor in their living room instead of just the bedroom.
“It would make me proud. An’ I want ya ta know somethin’ else. Adam would be real proud of his pa.”
How did he deserve to have this remarkable, generous, giving soul in love with him. He had suffered such a terrible loss, but after surviving all that, he had gained so, so much. He hugged Vin even tighter. Chris turned back to the frame, tears rolling unheeded down his face as he read the poem that his lover had chosen to honor his son.
When I was one
I had just begun
When I was two
I was nearly new
When I was three
I was hardly me
When I was four
I was not much more
When I was five
I was just alive
But now I am six,
I'm as clever as clever;
so I think I'll be six now
for ever and everThe End
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