Disclaimer: I claim no rights or infringement on the concept and characters of The Magnificent Seven. They are the property and concept of... well, everyone from Kurasawa to John Watson. My eternal gratitude to Mog for creating the ATF AU, and allowing us to play in her sandbox. Finally, the group Hoobastank is responsible for the song, The Reason. If you haven't heard it, I highly recommend it, it's beautiful. I've borrowed the lyrics for this story.

Acknowledgment: This is for Judy, in honor of her birthday. Those of you, who know her, know what an awesome lady she is. For those of you who don't, you don't know what you're missing! Judy asked for emotional hurt, delivered by Chris and received by Vin. Now, Judy, I apologize first of all. Mary appears very briefly in this, but I hope you'll understand. She's only a catalyst. Anyway, hope this fits the bill!

Dedication: TO JUDY - HAPPIEST OF BIRTHDAYS, PARD!

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you

Vin Tanner felt like a kid in a candy store. Two months ago he and Chris Larabee had declared their feelings for one another, and the days since then had been the best he'd ever experienced. He woke in the morning with a smile on his face and went to bed the same way. And, if he was being completely honest, those smiles accompanied some of the most incredible hard-ons he'd ever known. No longer did he have to ignore his feelings for the blond, he could allow himself to feel them, to acknowledge them.

To himself, at least. While Chris had shared his feelings with him, they had yet to share the physical aspects of what they were experiencing. They had spent many evenings together, a few nights, but hadn't yet shared a bed. They had agreed that first night that they were going to go slow; to wait until they were both certain that they were going to be able to handle a romantic commitment in addition to their role of supervisor and subordinate. They both acknowledged that what they were feeling was far too important to ruin it by rushing it by starting with a "fuck-buddy" relationship rather than something much more deep.

Vin had happily allowed Chris to lead the way into what he felt in the marrow of his bones was going to be the most important relationship in his life. Larabee had known love, had known romance. He had known relationships that lasted only as long as the sex was good and life didn't get in the way. His idea of romance was warming the lube and brushing his teeth before and after sex.

He was a romance virgin! He smiled at that thought. Chris had teased him about it one night, gently and with care, but still the message got through. He was light years behind Larabee in the relationship department.

Tanner realized that he had driven automatically to work, passing his ID across the sensor that would allow him into the parking garage. He shook his head. "Gotta stop wool gatherin', Tanner. Likely ta run over a citizen, you keep up like this."

Pulling into a spot at the very end of the top level, he sighed. Not only was he day dreaming, he was running late. Parking his jeep, he climbed out and locked it, while tucking his tee-shirt into his jeans. He felt a strong need to look good today.

Today was the day.

It was Friday. On Wednesday Chris had invited him to spend the weekend at the ranch. It was late summer and the weather was supposed to be near perfect. They were going to go camping in the mountains, a very special trip. He knew that the moment JD had tried to finagle an invitation to join them, and Chris had stopped him cold, saying that it was just going to be the two of them this time. He had made it sound like he just wasn't in the mood for JD's hyperactive company, but Vin had seen a glint in those hazel-green eyes and knew exactly what was going on.

He still verified it later, slipping into Larabee's office while the others were busy. Chris looked up, a puzzled expression on his face for a second, which smoothed out to a wry grin. "Something I can help you with, Agent Tanner?"

"Jist wonderin' if I'd read somethin' into what ya said ta JD earlier," he drawled lazily, one hip hitched against the upholstered chair that sat across the desk from the SAC.

"I have faith in your intuition, Agent, you're typically dead on."

"Yeah? So this is gonna be a special weekend."

"As special as I can make it, Vin," Larabee said, his voice soft and husky. Staring at the other man with hooded eyes, he said, "I want it to be the most perfect weekend we can imagine."

Vin had felt the crotch of his jeans tighten around his hardening cock and didn't even try to silence the growl that came from deep in his throat. "Reckon I like the sound 'a that."

"Me, too," Chris replied. He started to say more, but Josiah had interrupted their conversation with information on one of the assignments they were working on. Vin had nodded, smiled, and tipped an imaginary hat before slipping out the door. Continuing to feel uncomfortable, he fought the urge to run as he moved down the hallway to the restroom. Entering the nearest stall, he quickly released his aching cock and took things in hand. Just as he came, grunting with near silent satisfaction, he heard someone enter the outer room.

"Hey, Vin?" It was JD

Taking a deep breath, he responded, "Yeah?"

"Chris just called a staffing, five minutes."

"'Kay, I'll be right there."

The door swinging shut was his only response. Quickly he cleaned himself up, marshaled his expression, and moved back toward the Team Seven suite.

 

Realizing that he had once more been moving on auto pilot, Vin shook his head when he registered that he was standing outside the door leading to their suite. Opening the door, he saw that the others were already at work.

"Well, nice to see you, Vin," Buck teased lightly.

"Yes, so nice of you to join us," Ezra added.

"Sorry, overslept." He rationalized that he had been sleeping in a way. With a dramatic sigh, he added, "guess I'd better go face the music."

Taping on the closed door leading to Larabee's office, Tanner entered before getting a response. He stopped with one foot over the threshold, his mouth open to speak, but nothing came out.

Chris gave the intruder an even look, one arm around Mary Travis' shoulders. The pretty blonde was smiling, looking up at Larabee like he was a lake and she was dying of thirst. Vin felt an invisible knife pierce his heart and begin to twist. He must have let something show on his face, because Chris frowned, giving him a "don't say anything" look.

"Hello, Vin," Mary said sweetly.

"Is there a problem?" Larabee asked.

"Uh... no, sorry, Boss. Just wanted to apologize for bein' late."

Nodding briefly, the SAC said, "Considering how often you're early, I think we can let it go."

"Yeah, uh, okay." He started to back out of the door, when the knife twisted a second time.

"So, I'll see you at six?" Mary's voice chimed sweetly, but to Vin it sounded like a death knell.

"I'll be there. And I'm sure it's going to be a great weekend, as well," was the reply that deftly cut Vin Tanner's heart out.

He chanced a look at the man he had dreamed of living the rest of his life with, only to see... nothing. There was no emotion evident in that oh too handsome face. He wanted to take off running; to keep running until he couldn't run any more. Instead, he simply turned and, stiff-legged, left the room.

"Vin? Junior, what's up?"

Pulling himself together long enough to speak, Tanner managed to look Buck in the face as he said, "Nothin'."

"Don't look like nothin'. Looks like a whole lotta somethin' to me," Wilmington replied, pulling himself out of his chair and moving to intercept the Texan.

Sidestepping the bigger man, Vin said softly, "I... I forgot somethin' in my jeep," before escaping the scrutiny of the other members of Team Seven. As soon as the door closed and he was beyond the sight of his friends, he started to jog, quickly speeding up to a run. Hitting the door leading to the stairway, he bolted up the stairs, careening against the walls as he twisted in the stairwell before hitting the next set of stairs. He didn't stop until he hit the roof exit, pushing through it, barely remembering to set the lock so he could get back inside.

Not that he cared at that moment; he'd just as soon just sit up here until he dropped over dead. It shouldn't take too long; he'd just had his heart ripped out. He tried his damndest to rationalize some reason for what he had witnessed in Chris' office, but they didn't make any more sense than what he had actually seen. Chris Larabee draped around Mary Travis like her own personal stole.

Stole. Stolen. She had stolen Chris. But how? Why? It made no sense. He and Chris had hashed everything out. Larabee had admitted that having an intimate relationship with another man was something he had never sought. It wasn't something he would have chosen. That was what he had said. He wouldn't have chosen to have a relationship with Vin or any other man. Like it was a curse.

Was that how Larabee truly looked at what was happening between them? Something he couldn't escape?

"Vin?"

Whirling, Tanner saw the object of his anger standing in the doorway. Blue eyes glittered sharply with barely restrained emotion. He didn't say anything, just stood there, staring.

"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for you to - "

"Ta what, walk in on you and Mary makin' plans for the weekend? Our weekend?" That last had slipped out; he hadn't meant to say anything, to give Chris the satisfaction that he had been hurt.

"I wanted to tell you privately, Vin, I didn't want - "

"I should 'a expected it," his drawl was getting deeper with every word he said, a sure sign that he was angry. "Ya told me yerself that ya never would have chosen ta be with a man."

"What? I... Vin, what are you talking about? Look, I'm sorry, I had forgotten I'd promised to escort Mary to the charity dance tonight. But, it's only tonight. I'll be home before midnight, and then you and I will have the rest of the weekend."

"Right, that's what'cha meant when ya told her it was gonna be a 'great weekend'."

"God damn it, Tanner! Listen to me!" Long strides brought Chris toward Vin, but the smaller man moved away, a catlike escape. "Vin!"

"Hey, uh, Chris?" Both men turned to find Nathan in the doorway.

"Nate, I'm a little busy right now - "

"Sorry, but Ezra's connection just called. They want to make the deal in two hours."

"DAMN IT!" The blond's voice echoed off the rooftops and buildings around them. It would take almost that long to prepare for the operation. Then, taking a deep breath, he said, "Fine, let's go." He strode toward the doorway, turning to find Vin hadn't move. Again he said, "Let's go."

Tanner stormed across the roof, his boot heels ringing against the stone as he met and overtook the other men. Pushing past them both, he stomped down the stairs.

Behind him, Jackson frowned, turning to the SAC. "He okay?"

"He's fine," Larabee lied. Without another word, he followed the angry man down the stairs. Behind him, Nathan brought up the rear, a puzzled expression across his handsome face.

~o~

The job might have been rushed, but everything came off without a hitch. By the time Chris called the scene, they had one of the biggest dealers and his lieutenants in the vicinity in handcuffs. With their typical efficiency, the Magnificent Seven tied up all of the loose ends.

Returning to their offices, the men were quick to get their paperwork done, the temptation of five o'clock Friday causing them to focus on their reports, rather than the more casual attitudes of a typical end of the workweek.

All of the men save one. Vin, never the fastest at the computer, found himself starting and restarting his report. A vehement oath echoed around the room more than once, as he seemed to struggle with each word placed on the computer screen.

"Vin, I would be glad to assist you - " Standish started in those soft, honeyed tones that had calmed many a criminal, including those they had just arrested.

Those tones did nothing to ease the white hot anger Tanner was feeling. Blue eyes met green with a clear challenge. In a voice deceptively quiet, he said, "I don't need yer help, Ezra. I'm fine."

"Very well," Standish moved quickly away.

No one dared come near Tanner the rest of the day. He was a dark presence in their midst. The mood of the room followed suit, and soon no one was talking about anything.

At five to five, Chris emerged from his office, dressed in the suit he kept there for those times when his more casual attire wouldn't suffice. He paused in the bullpen, looking from one man to another. "Don't stress it, guys. I faxed over enough information that should keep Nelson and company behind bars for the weekend at least. Save what you've got and get out of here, I'll see you Monday." Then, turning toward Tanner, he said softly, "I'll be at the ranch before midnight."

"Yeah, fine."

"Vin - "

"Look, I appreciate the offer, but reckon I'll pass."

Larabee's shoulders slumped and disappointment took over his features. But, all he could think of to say was, "Well, come on out when you feel like it."

"Yeah, will do." He had yet to look up from his terminal.

Seeing that he was going to get no other response, Chris could only turn and walk away.

"Well, boys, you heard the man. Let's get on outta here!" Buck fairly chirped the words.

JD was already on the phone to Casey, making arrangements to meet her for a movie. Josiah powered down his machine and, only briefly regarding Vin, he was out the door. Nathan was close on his heels, like JD he was on the phone, letting Raine know he was heading home.

By the time 5:00 appeared in the corner of his monitor, Vin thought he was completely alone in the room. Then a small noise caught his attention, and he looked up to see Ezra watching him from across the room. "Better get goin', pard, unless ya wanna get caught in traffic."

"I have no plans, my friend. I thought I'd see if you'd like to join me for dinner."

Shaking his head, his eyes already focused on the computer monitor again, Vin said simply, "Thanks, but no thanks. I've got plans m'self, just don't wanna leave this half finished before I leave."

"Chris did give us permission to leave, you know."

"Fuck Chris, God Almighty, Larabee! I don't need no one ta tell me when I can come 'n go."

"Well... all right..." uncomfortable in leaving the other man, Standish recognized that his presence would only fuel the fire building in the Texan. Slowly he moved toward the door. There he paused and said, "Well, if you change your mind, the offer still stands."

"Much obliged."

~o~

Chris Larabee stared out at the beautiful sunset, marking the end of a near perfect Sunday. He wanted so badly to enjoy it, but found no solace. He had gotten home at 11:45 pm Friday night and made the first call to Tanner's at 11:55. He had left so many messages on the man's voicemail that it wouldn't take them any longer.

He considered going into town to confront the younger man and explain in person, but decided against it. If Vin was ready to talk, he'd have answered the phone by now. The only thing he could do was wait it out and talk to him when he was ready to listen.

It made for a long weekend. A lonely weekend. Not exactly what he had dreamed of. He had been just as eager for their special weekend. They had spent time discussing every thing they could imagine could come up; deciding how they would face everything from their teammates finding out about their relationships, to what would happen if one of them was killed. Perhaps it had been overkill, but there was too much at stake to do anything less.

He never dreamed they could be hit with something so unexpected, so early in their relationship.

He should have, he supposed. They had been bluntly honest with one another, and that was when he admitted that he had never considered a homosexual relationship. He had only meant that his feelings had caught him by surprise, he had only thought of himself as occasionally curious but never had he thought of himself as "swinging" that way.

He hadn't meant it to be anything but an honest confession, one that would tell Vin just how much he meant. How much their love meant. But it only seemed to have come across that he was embarrassed about loving another man.

Spitting a curse out with his cheroot, he pushed out of his chair and strode across the deck. He stopped, turning from the stairs to the back door, debating on which way to go.

In the end, he moved to the door, entering his empty home.

~o~

Vin sat, watching the sunset over the rooftops, the magnificence stolen by buildings, street sounds and so-called civilization. He sighed, wishing now that he'd gone into the mountains for the weekend. It had seemed like too much effort, though, so he had stayed at home, finishing off far too much alcohol and eating too little food.

He had listened to his phone ring, over and over again. He'd let it go to voicemail, though; he hadn't felt like talking to anyone. Besides, he wanted with all his heart for those calls to be from Chris but, at the same time, he had feared that none of them were. It seemed more realistic that the latter was true. His friend and boss had been far too busy with Mary Travis, and hadn't even bothered to call and check on him.

Tipping the bottle of whiskey he was holding, he drank until he couldn't breathe; needed to stop long enough to catch his breath. He did that, then tipped the bottle up again. By the time he sat the bottle on the rooftop beside him, several inches of the amber liquid had disappeared.

And he didn't even feel drunk.

Self medicating, that's what Josiah would tell him. He was using the alcohol to mask what he was feeling. It must be working, he mused, because he wasn't feeling much.

Well, other than the huge hole in the middle of his soul.

~o~

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

Monday morning. Chris arrived at work well before 8:00, not certain he wanted to be at the office at all. He had dreamed of Vin all weekend; sometimes romantic dreams, at other times they were dreams of loss. In the end, though, both of them brought him pain.

Stepping into the break room, he started the coffee. He didn't wait for it to brew, though; making a cup of instant and heating it in the microwave, he moved with a little more speed than he needed to. He felt anxious until he reached his office, feeling more comfortable with the door closed.

He wasn't ready to face Vin.

The others arrived; Buck and JD arguing over God knew what, Josiah and Nathan debating the score of the game last night, while Ezra cagily mentioned how much he had made on it. There was no soft twang, easily recognizable as Vin joined the banter. He stepped to the interior window, peering out between the slats of the closed blinds. Vin was there, sitting at his desk, already hard at work at the computer. The covert looks the others gave Tanner told him that something was off besides the man's silence.

A soft knock at the door drew the blond away from the window. "Come on in."

Josiah entered the room, heavy brows furrowed. "Boss, you know what's goin' on with Vin?"

"Why?"

"He looks about as pale as a man can be and still be breathin', dark rings under his eyes. He's just sittin' there like no one else is in the room; won't even do more than grunt when anyone says something to him. And he's got one of those jug sized coffee mugs from the gas station."

The last was something he only saw on a Sunday morning after they'd been partying too hard. That told Chris how his friend had spent the weekend without even asking. But, to Sanchez, he said only, "I don't have any idea."

His frown deepening, Josiah said, "I thought the two of you had plans this weekend."

"Not that it's any of your business," Larabee said in a warning tone, "But the plans changed."

Getting the signal loud and clear, the profiler said, "Okay," before excusing himself from the office.

The blond moved to his desk, sat, and began working. He stepped out an hour or so later, announced a staffing after lunch to discuss the bust of Friday. Everyone was expected to have their reports finished at that time. Successfully delivering the message without looking at Vin, he moved back inside and closed the door.

With the exception of Chris and Vin, the team left just before noon for lunch. These two, busily dancing around one another without making contact, had no appetites.

At 1:15 they met in the conference room, each man with his finished report in hand. As usual, Ezra's was twice as long as the others, the frequent admonishment that he needed to streamline and ignore his verbose nature once more ignored. Vin's, on the other hand, was the shortest, looking no more than two or three pages.

Eyes sliding over the man who had come to mean more than anything in the world to him, Chris evaluated Vin's current state. Everything that Josiah had informed him of was true. Although he was clean shaven and dressed in clean clothes, it was obvious that the younger man had spent the weekend inside a bottle. Larabee tasted bile at the thought, and mentally kicked himself for not having gone to check on Tanner. Buck had done that much for him. Then, pulling himself back to thinking of nothing but work, he began the staff meeting.

He led the meeting as they went over the reports together, checking each one against those made by the others. Despite his state, Vin's was the most concise, each word well thought out and placed with the others in an efficient manner. He wasn't the only one to think that, even though he appeared to be the only one with the sense to keep his mouth shut.

"Well, Junior, you might look rode hard and put up wet, but your brain's still workin', anyway." Buck joked.

Larabee froze, certain there would be a display of that seldom seen but usually avoided Tanner temper. There was no explosion, though, and Vin's response was barely audible.

"Yeah, reckon I ain't as far gone 's y'all seem ta think," was the drawled answer.

"Let's stay on task, boys," Chris brought them back before anything was said that he would regret. The others followed suit and they returned to reviewing the arrest.

As soon as the meeting was over, Larabee left to meet with AD Travis while the others returned to their desks. Once again Vin was a silent presence in the midst of the team, leaving the others confused and uncomfortable. Quitting time finally arrived, ending one of the longest days any of them had ever endured.

Chris returned to the suite shortly after five, hoping to slip in without having to face the man he wanted dearly to take in his arms and beg forgiveness of. But, he knew that Vin wasn't ready for that quite yet.

His luck failed when he nearly ran headlong into the very man he had hoped to avoid. Vin pulled up short, a deer-in-the-headlights look crossing his face before he marshaled his features.

"Can we talk?" Larabee asked.

"'Bout what?" The response was guarded.

"What do you think?!" He hadn't meant to let go of his temper, but it had never been his strong suit.

"What I think, Sir, is that it's after five. I'm on my own time, and I'm not interested in discussin' anything right now. So, if you'll excuse me..."

Chris tried again; his voice soft and edged with emotion. "Vin... I want to apolo--"

"I'll see ya in the morning, Sir." Tanner spit the last word out before moving past the bigger man and moving out the door as quickly as he could.

~o~

One long day after another moved sluggishly along for Team Seven, five of the men growing used to the silence of the other two. Chris stayed in his office unless he couldn't avoid it, not entering into any of the casual conversations that usually marked a quiet time for the federal agents. Vin, without the luxury of walls and a closed door to isolate himself behind, built a mental wall that none of the others dared breach.

He looked a little healthier as the days passed, although the dark rings surrounding sunken eyes grew darker. It was obvious he wasn't sleeping and that was a problem that none of them could ignore. Not only were they worried for their friend's health, but they were concerned for the health of them all. So far they hadn't needed Tanner's skills as a sharpshooter, but if those skills were needed, no one was ready to count on him to deliver in his current state.

The entire suite seemed to breathe a sigh of relief when Friday afternoon came around. Then, at 4:45, the rest of the team held their collective breath as Vin rose from his seat and moved toward Chris' door. He rapped sharply, entering only after a muffled response from the other side. Behind him, the others all traded looks.

~o~

The SAC looked up as the Texan entered his office, hoping that he had masked the surge of emotion he felt. In a too even voice, he said, "Can I help you?"

Vin's heart sank. He had been praying to see some sort of emotion on the handsome face but, so far, nothing. Swallowing hard, he said, "I want to know if you want me to stay on the team, or if I should turn in my request for transfer."

His blood suddenly turned to ice and he nearly shivered. Leave? Vin wanted to leave? Then he heard his voice saying, "That won't be necessary." His internal voice, though, was screaming, "VIN! God, don't leave me! I need you!"

"All right then. I'd like to ask for leave. Reckon two weeks if ya think you can do without me. I checked the roster and Ted White should be available if ya need a sharpshooter."

Do without him? God, no, he couldn't do without him! The thought of Vin being out of his reach... his sight... his life, for that long was like a fist clenching his heart. Somehow he managed to get out, "I think that can be arranged."

Nodding, Tanner continued. "Ya mind if I come by Sunday and pick up Peso and my gear? If ya got plans or it'll be inconvenient -"

"No problem at all."

Another sharp nod and, "All righty then. I'll be out early Sunday." His internal voice added, "So you won't have to look at me."

"All right." Larabee found himself talking to a closed door, Vin having left the office. When he came out at five, the leave request was on Tanner's desk, and there was no sign of the younger man anywhere.

~o~

Friday night. He was sitting in his apartment with a bottle, a take-out pizza, and the sports channel. He hoped to be able to keep his mind off things, but that wasn't happening. He had never seen that look coming from Chris Larabee and directed toward him. Love, joy, friendship, frustration, anger, those expressions had come his way on occasion, but never a total lack of emotion. That was an expression he'd only seen directed toward the bad guys.

"Fuckin' hard ass, Gawd a'mighty, all 'bout image, son 'bitch." The diatribe continued in that slurred, deeply accented voice for several minutes. Finally he stopped long enough to take a long draw from the bottle, making a face when the strong, bitter taste registered.

~o~

Sunday morning. Chris was up long before the sun, sitting on his deck in the darkness. This had gone on long enough; he had allowed Vin time to cool off so they could talk, but it didn't seem to be happening. The thought of waiting another two weeks was too much to bear. He intended to hash this out once and for all. Either they'd reconcile, or it would be the end of what they had built over the last few weeks.

That very thought threatened to rip him apart.

He rubbed a hand over his face, scratching at the stubble on his chin. He wished he could get Vin to stop long enough to listen to him, but the younger man was too busy trying to avoid him. He had even broken down and gone by Tanner's apartment last night, but no one had answered the door. Well, he couldn't avoid him this morning; Chris was going to make damned sure of that.

The sun rose. No Vin.

Noon came. No Vin.

Chris was pacing, wondering what had happened to Tanner.

~o~

Vin groaned, his hands clutching his head as the sound of his own voice threatened to blow said head off his shoulders. With studied movements he opened his eyes, waiting for the room to stop spinning so he could figure out where he was. It slowly became clear that he was lying on the floor of his living room, sprawled out like a crime scene victim waiting for the chalk outline.

"Fuck!" He cried out as the cuckoo clock JD had given him last year for Christmas screeched loudly. By the time the damned think announced 3:00 he was praying that either he or it would drop dead. Then he realized that there was sun glaring through the windows and he slowly pieced together that it was 3:00 in the afternoon. "Ah, hell."

Resolutely he managed to turn to his side, his brain having trouble with the mechanics of getting his arm out from under him after he did. Once out of bondage, it joined his other limbs in pushing the rest of him off the floor. It wasn't until he managed to stand that he realized he was naked. He barely managed to finish that thought before his stomach rebelled at all the movement and, sluggish limbs spurred by panic, he ran for the bathroom. Barely making it there, he found himself expelling something that looked like wood chips and coffee grounds.

"That cain't be good." He muttered to himself. His gut burned, his head pounded, his mouth was stuffed with soggy cotton and there was sandpaper beneath his eyelids. Add to that, his entire body ached; muscles felt twisted and bones felt as fragile as glass. All in all, he knew that if he didn't concentrate, he would most certainly disintegrate right on the spot.

He rinsed out his mouth, lumbered into the shower to scrub the layers of grime off his body and bring it some warmth at the same time. Washing his hair was tricky, as he had to work around the massive headache residing just beneath his scalp.

Climbing out, he used the blow dryer on his dripping hair, reasoning that it wouldn't hurt as much as toweling it first. Hair still wet, but no longer dripping, he brushed the crud from his teeth; all of it without doing more than squinting an eye from time to time to orient himself in the room. When he finally looked in the mirror he was shocked at the thickness of the growth on the lower part of his face.

What day was it? He vaguely remembered drinking himself into oblivion on Friday night, and then... well, he didn't think he'd ever forget waking up on the floor. Everything between was a blur.

Shuffling back to his bedroom he pulled on sweats and a pair of socks before padding back to the living room. There he searched for the remote rather than simply turning the TV on; his addled brain far too stressed to consider it. Finally finding the device in a half empty pizza box - not, of course, on the empty side - he pulled the remote, along with a cold slice of pizza, out of the box. Turning on the TV he flipped channels, interspersed with attempts to release the slice, until he found the Weather Channel.

It took him several minutes to recover from the shock that it was late Sunday afternoon. What the hell had happened to Saturday? The phone chose that time to ring, eradicating all thought as bombs started going off behind his eyes. Frantically he searched for the handset, finding it tangled up in the quilt strewn across the couch. Retrieving it, he punched the "talk" button and barked "What?"

"Vin?" The tone was tentative, something he never expected to hear in Chris Larabee's voice.

"Yeah."

"I was a little concerned. I thought you were leaving this morning."

"Was. Plans changed. Be out in the mornin'."

"Oh. Okay, well I just wanted to make certain that you're okay."

"Got a headache." And one helluva hangover, he finished silently, thanks to you.

"Do you need anything?"

"Jist ta be left alone." With that, he disconnected from the call. Tossing the phone back down on the couch, he moved toward his bedroom. The day was ruined; he might as well go on to bed.

~o~

Monday. 4:00 am. He was once more sitting on his deck, having done nothing but toss and turn all night. He had left a message for Buck that he probably wouldn't be in; there was something he had to take care of. It wasn't a lie, but he still felt like he was keeping something from his old friend. He knew in his heart that Wilmington would understand, but he wasn't ready to divulge his feelings about Vin to the other man yet.

If there was even anything to talk about, after all.

He had gone over and over it all; from the moment they had confessed their emotions to one another to the moment it had all gone to hell. What could he have done differently? Oh there were many things, he realized that now. But none of them could be changed; he would simply have to forge ahead and pray that Vin would come around to see just how badly he felt about it all.

He could only hope that Vin would come around. Period.

The familiar crunch of tires on white rock brought Larabee's attention back to the present. He watched headlights bouncing along and knew that the time was now. If he were ever to get Vin to listen, he had to do it now. Something, mixed in with the nervous twitch and the butterflies trampling through his gut, told him that this was the last chance to salvage their relationship.

He waited until the jeep was parked and turned off, Vin on his way to the barn. He rose and, as quietly as possible, he followed the younger man into the building. Inside he could hear the sleepy whicker of the horses as they greeted Tanner. The other man greeted them in return, his voice soft and even as he spoke to the animals.

Staying in the shadows, Chris watched as Vin wrapped his arms around Peso's strong neck, nuzzling against the big, furry face. He couldn't make out the words, but the tone was obvious. Vin was in pain.

No longer able to stand it, the tall blond stepped out of the shadows and spoke, his voice soft, as if he was gentling a wild animal. And, maybe he was. "Vin?"

Startled, Tanner wheeled around, his stance one of defensiveness; as if he were waiting to be attacked. "What're you doin' up?"

"Why do you think?"

"Don't go playin' mind games, Larabee, ain't in the mood."

"Neither am I. I want to talk to you, Vin, and I want you to listen."

"What is there ta say that ain't been said?"

"A lot."

"Not from where I'm standin'. Ya decided ta stay on the safe side 'a the fence, and used Mary Travis as a shield when ya let me know. Ain't never thought of ya as a chicken, Larabee, but reckon there's a lot 'a things I ain't noticed before."

Moving closer, Chris kept a tight rein on his anger. "I'm not chicken, and you got it wrong. I'm sorry if I muddled things up, Vin, but I've been trying to fix them. I just wish the hell you'd let me!"

"Let'cha what, rip another hole in me? Sorry, ain't interested."

Chris moved closer still, getting into Tanner's personal space. "You aren't interested in the truth, then?"

Backing up until he was pressed against the stall, Vin said, "I reckon I saw the truth that day in yer office."

"What you saw had nothing to do with us! Damn it, I told you, I had forgotten that I'd agreed to escort Mary that night. And I did that. Afterwards I took her home, walked her to her door, and told her good night."

"She make them doe eyes at ya then?"

"What?"

"Don't think I didn't see it. She was lookin' at you like you were lunch and she was starvin'."

Chris paused, thinking back to that day. "I don't know if she was or not, I'll take your word for it. Look, I can't control what the woman says or does, but it doesn't mean I share her feelings."

"Yeah, I'm sure that's what ya meant when ya talked about the weekend."

"God Damn it, Vin! She was taking Billy on a camping trip and she was nervous about it. You know as well as I do that the woman is completely worthless when it comes to anything outside the realm of reporting."

Vin wasn't certain how to respond to that, so he didn't. Instead, he turned and started into the stall where Peso stood patiently waiting. Suddenly he found himself being grabbed and turned around, his balance nearly lost. When he stopped, he was staring up at Chris.

"You're going to listen to me, damn it!" Larabee bellowed.

Without conscious thought, Tanner drew back and punched Chris in the jaw. The blond dropped like a sack of potatoes. Above him, Vin said, "I don't gotta do nothin'. Best you understand it."

Rubbing his jaw, the blond looked up at the furious man. "Damn it, Vin, listen." It was more a plea this time.

It was a plea that fell on deaf ears; Tanner turned away, going once more to ready his horse.

Chris leapt to his feet and went after the stubborn man. "Why in the hell are you being so fucking pig headed!?" Tanner froze, the tense set of his back telling the blond that he had entered dangerous territory.

Turning slowly, Vin said in a soft, hollow voice, "Ya git hurt often enough, ya learn that it's better'n gittin' yer heart ripped out. Reckon I forgot that with you... it ain't gonna happen again." Before he got a response, he turned away again.

"Damn it, Vin!" Once more he reached out, eliciting a warning snort from Peso. Ignoring it, he once more grabbed Tanner's shoulder, but did nothing more than hold on. "Please... listen to me. I'm trying to say I'm sorry. I'm trying to explain myself. I hurt you, I get that, but why won't you give me the chance to tell you what's going on? Don't I deserve that?"

"Ain't su— ain't sure ya deserve... anything..."

It took Chris a second to recognize what was in Vin's voice now. He was choked with emotion. Another step and he placed his other hand on Tanner's other shoulder. "Vin, please, listen to me. I did not mean to hurt you. I told you the truth. I had made plans to escort Mary months ago, before you and I... look, I can't help it if she feels something for me. It isn't shared, though, I swear. I can't say I don't care about her, but that's the extent of it. She's a friend."

"You and me are... were friends, too."

"Fuck!" Frustration led to anger, which came out in an explosion of emotion. He lifted his hands from Tanner's shoulders, throwing them into the air in surrender. "If you can't see that what I feel for you is about as far from what I feel for Mary Travis, as it can be then... I don't know. I don't know what I can say to you that's going to make you understand. I love you, Vin Tanner. With all my heart, my soul... my life. Yes, this is all new to me; it's something that I never expected to happen. But it did, and I will be forever grateful that it did. If you'll let me, I'll love you with everything in me, until the day I die. But if you're hell bent on ending this... then let's do it. Right here and now, let's end it. End us. But you look me in the face and you tell me that you want to give this all away, because of a bone-headed mistake on my part. Come on! Look me in the face and tell me!"

Peso was becoming more and more agitated, the emotions flowing around him almost frightening in their intensity. Vin managed to slide up beside the big animal, soothing him with a few words and a bit of candy. That managed, the horseman in him sent him from the stall, Chris quick on his heels. They were away from the danger of hooves and teeth, but it wasn't clear yet.

"Vin! Tell me right here and now that you don't love me... that you don't want to spend the rest of your life with me, and I'll walk away. It'll be over for the both of us, and we'll go back to being co-workers. Right now, Vin, tell me!"

Wheeling around, the Texan said, "You think it'd be that easy? We just go back ta bein' co-workers and the pain'll disappear? The last two months just disappears like some bad dream or somethin'? Is that what you think? 'Cause I gotta tell ya, Larabee, it ain't gonna be that way. Not for me, anyway. Maybe you can hide whatever yer feelin's are, but I cain't. God Damn you, Chris Larabee, I love you and I will 'til the day I die!"

That was all Chris needed. He swooped in and wrapped his arms around the slender man, as much to keep him there as to embrace him. His lips came down hard, mashing against the hard set ones of the other man, warming their joined flesh until, seemingly of its own accord, Tanner's mouth opened; an invitation. Larabee took that invitation, pushing his tongue into the hot depths, caressing the tongue it found there. He felt, as much as heard, the soft moan that escaped Vin.

He felt the tears; tears of relief begin to roll down his face. Then he realized that they were more than his tears. Finally breaking off the kiss, he pulled back, and regarded tear-washed, blue eyes. One hand came up, his thumb gently caressing a stubbled cheek and wiping away the tears at the same time.

"I'm sorry, Vin. I'm not perfect. I never meant to hurt you... I will never mean to hurt you. But I can't promise that it won't ever happen. All I can promise is that I will love you until the day I die. If you want to throw that away -"

"No! I don't," Tanner protested.

"Then, you damn, stubborn Texan, you're stuck with me. I didn't choose this life, Vin, I can't lie about that. But I want this life, pard, more than anything in the world. I want you beside me for the rest of our lives. Now, if you can handle that, then let's get past this and get on with the rest of our life. Okay?"

The barriers had come down. Vin's eyes held the love Chris had come to know over the past few weeks. Vin Tanner loved him, and there was nothing in the world that could ever top that.

'You still wanna go camping?" Larabee asked, drawing the smaller man back to him.

"Reckon that can wait 'til next weekend... if you're interested in comin' with me."

"I believe that can be arranged. Now, how about you come into the house so we can talk?"

"Reckon it's time."

Arms around one another, the two men walked from the barn and toward the house.

~o~

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

Chris lay on his side, head resting in the crook of his arm. He was watching the body beside him, and praying that it wasn't a dream. Vin lay curled on his side, facing Larabee as he slept in peaceful contentment. The pain that had etched lines on his finely drawn features since that awful day had eased, his face once more smoothed and boyish.

It was late on Monday night. They had spent the day and on into the evening talking, making up and clarifying things. For now at least, things were settled, although neither of them could know what might come in the future. The life they had chosen to share wouldn't be the easiest to lead, but both men were strong and ready to face whatever challenges came their way.

Finally, as it grew late, Chris suggested they get some sleep. He couldn't stay home another day and, although he would be off, Vin was about as wrung out as a man could be and still breathe. After discussing it, they had agreed Tanner would take the rest of the week off so he could recover from his headlong dive into a liquor bottle. Larabee had quietly chided him for his choice in deadening the pain, coaxing an agreement from the younger man that he would never go down that path again.

When they had started down the hallway, Vin had turned toward the guest room, but Chris captured his hand and led him toward the master suite. Vin looked uncertain, hesitantly following the blond.

They still hadn't consummated their relationship, but they had shared a bed. Chris had wanted to have Tanner close, both for mutual comfort and - if he was being honest - he wanted to make certain that Vin didn't bolt in the night. He tried to tell himself that it was silly to feel that way after their talk, but the pain and fear was still too fresh.

Leaning forward, the blond gently kissed the other man's temple, his lips blazing a trail along the handsome features. As he reached Tanner's cheek, the other man loosed a sigh. It was a happy, contented sound, and Chris hoped to hear it many times over the years to come.

And it would be years, of that he had no doubt. It may be a road with its share of bumps and dips, twists and turns, but it would be a road they would travel together. He would do every thing in his power to see to that.

In a soft, sleep filled voice, Tanner murmured, "Chris?"

"Right here." He kissed the broad lips, then kissed each closed lid. "Go back to sleep."

"'Kay."

He smiled as Vin drifted back to sleep, another sigh escaping from the man's handsome lips as he relaxed once more. Slowly Chris drifted to sleep himself, his own face mirroring the contentment on the face of his partner. And so they slept on.

Together.

The End

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December 23, 2007

I'm not a perfect person There's many things I wish I didn't do But I continue learning I never meant to do those things to you And so I have to say before I go That I just want you to know I've found out a reason for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over new and the reason is you I'm sorry that I hurt you It's something I must live with everyday And all the pain I put you through I wish that I could take it all away And be the one who catches all your tears That's why I need you to hear I've found out a reason for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over new And the reason is you I'm not a perfect person I never meant to do those things to you And so I have to say before I go That I just want you to know I've found out a reason for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over new And the reason is you "The Reason" ~Hoobastank~