Blame this on Kid Rock. He was on Larry King Live, last week, and he started talking about antiquing and how that would ruin his reputation, Mr.Badass American rock star and antiquing. And, then I was at work the next day listening to music and daydreaming about Vin and it all merged together and this is what you got:
It's Larabee's fucking fault. Bastard.
He did this. Ok, it was Buck did it, but it's still Larabee's fault. Bastard.
See, we had plans. Plans that didn't include him bringin' home work our first weekend off in a month. It ain't been all that long since his ranch got to be home; but it was too damned long since we got to spend a whole weekend together, with nothin' to do but fuck like the god-damned Energizer bunny. And, he went and brought home a whole shitload of paperwork he said had to be done by Monday. Bullshit. The ATF ain't gonna close down the Denver office if Chris Larabee don't get his fucking paperwork done. OK, so they might not o' paid us, come Friday; but hell, it's the middle of the month, ain't none of us gonna get evicted if we don't get paid exactly on time.
I guess they mighta needed to get paid, but damnit, I needed something too; somethin' I can only get from Chris. And, ain't that a fucking surprise? Me, needin' somebody so fucking bad, havin' t' wait a few hours t' get in his pants pisses me off. I never needed nobody; never wanted t' need nobody; 'cause needin' somebody was never a good thing. I learned that lesson well enough, a long fucking time ago. But, damnit, I need him. And, he knows it. So, him getting' home and tellin' me that he had to get his paperwork done 'fore we could get down to that fucking like bunnies stuff just wasn't right. Fucking like bunnies, then paperwork.
ALRIGHT! I know if we started fucking we would just kept at it all fucking weekend, but damnit, it's still his fault.
How come he had that fucking CD anyway? Sure, it was with the ones he never plays, but I just figured it would suck. If I'm bein' honest, that's why I picked it. 'Cause it was about a hundred years old. The guy on the cover was wearin' a fuckin' Polyester leisure suit for God's sake. I mean, it's gotta fucking suck, right?
I put it in and turned it way up, just to piss him off, 'cause he's got - wait, we've got - still have a hard time believin' I live here - we've got a kick-ass stereo system and when we turn it up, you can hear it all over the house, including his office. So, like I said, I turned it up 'cause I wanted to piss him off; and he never listens to it, so it's gotta suck, right?
Only it doesn't. It's kinda cheesy and old fashioned sounding; sounds like a damned orchestra playing; but the thing is, the chick starts singing, and fuck, it's beautiful. Never heard nothin' quite like it before; guess they really did make some good music back when Chris was a kid, like he's always tellin' me. I mean, not just the headbangin' stuff we listen to most o' the time, when we ain't listenin' to country or the new stuff; but the mellow stuff. Anyway, the chick sounds real good; real good.
And then, I started paying attention to the lyrics. Fuck! Did she know us? Know me? I mean she starts singing about bein' sad and lonely, noboby seein' the pain I was in. And throwing away sadness and finding home in your arms and nowhere on Earth I'd rather be. I mean, fuck, that's just how it is for me with Chris.
But, it wasn't just one song. It was the whole fucking CD. There was this song talkin' about the city bein' a lonely place, about facin' a world of strangers where I don't belong. And, not havin' even the smallest dreams coming true. Facin' all that, but not lastin' a day without you. I wouldn't. Without Chris, I couldn't take all that crap. Believe me, I took enough crap in my life to know.
Weren't all the songs that good though. There was one about birds followin' the guy around and the girls in the town followin' him around too. And, angels creating a dream come true on the day he was born. That's the fucking truth. 'Cause Chris Larabee is a dream come true. Oh yeah, and I remembered why Chris never listened to that CD. Ain't 'cause he hates it, or 'cause it sucks. It's 'cause Mary fuckin' Travis give him that CD. Yeah, she follows him all around, that's for fucking sure. She's like a fucking barnacle on a boat. And I know exactly who she wants to stick to. Well, fuck that. She ain't stickin' to Chris's boat, not now, not ever.
Anyway, even the songs that didn't seem like they'd fit us, did. White lace and promises; yeah, right. Bullshit. Neither one of us ever gonna have any kinda white lace, 'cept maybe some curtains; if Nettie buys 'em or something. 'Cause Chris and me ain't the white lace type. But, there was other parts of that song; she was singin' about talkin' it over just the two of us. Not that Chris and me do much talkin'. But, stuff about sharin' horizons and evenin' coming and workin' together day to day; that stuff fits us real good. And, fuck, she sounded pretty.
So, you see, it was Larabee's fucking fault. On account of, if he hadn't brought that work home, I wouldn't have put that CD in. I wouldn't have liked it and I wouldn't have put it in my jeep. Buck wouldn't have turned it on; how the hell come he had to pick yesterday to need a ride? Anyway, he turned that CD on and he got a real nasty look on his face, and he looked at me, and he just started laughing. He didn't say a fucking word. He just laughed his fucking ass off.
I knew I was in for it. I just didn't have a fucking clue how he was gonna use it. Did I mention I hate his fucking guts sometimes? Not really. 'Cause he's the second best guy I ever met. He coulda been a real prick about me and Chris. Even when we were just friends, Buck coulda been a prick; on account of it seemin' like I was hornin' in where he shoulda been. But that ain't the kinda guy Buck is. Buck's the kinda guy who wants people to be happy. And he ain't selfish about it. Me and Chris had a connection. Buck saw that right off, when it was just us bein' friends. Buck's a good guy. I still wanna shoot him, though.
I mean, who'd like havin' everybody they was workin' with laughin' at 'em? Everybody in this whole fucking building is laughing. The fucking janitor is laughing. Vin Tanner, Mr. Badasss sharpshooter, used-to-be-a-bounty hunter, and they're all laughing at me. They're more laughin' with me, 'cause even I think it's so fuckin' pathetic I gotta laugh.
I mean, all day today, somebody was snickerin' and askin' me stuff like "Do you need a ticket to ride the bus?" Stupid shit. Anyway they could work in some reference to the Carpenters or to some lyrics in one of those songs, they did. Everybody in the whole fucking building. Somebody put a picture of the Carpenters on my screen saver; had to be JD, fucker. Can't even trust Josiah. Josiah, for God's sake. He just smiled that dopey fucking "I'm gonna pull some zen shit now smile, and told me he felt like he was sittin' on top of the world. And, Nathan, he walks up and says, "lookin' down on creation, are you, Josiah?" And the two of them start laughin' like hyenas.
I'd shoot them, too, but damnit, Nathan and Josiah, they do a lot of good. The folks down at the community center would miss Josiah. And Nathan works at the clinic on weekends, helpin' Rain out. I can't shoot them. I can shoot Ezra though. I mean, how the hell did he know? He wasn't here on time for Buck to tell him. But, sure enough, when he came in today, he's carrying his Starbucks coffee and looking all perfect and polished, just like normal. But then he starts spoutin' off. And not the stuff he usually spouts off. Noooooooo. Today, he spouts off that, it's awful quiet; that there's a kind of hush all over the world. Fucking traitor. I woulda thought he'd be above that sort of thing.
And, the worst part of all of it was Chris was laughing. Oh sure, his door was closed, and he wasn't making any noise, but I know. He was in there laughing his ass off. So, it's his own fucking fault I gotta shoot him. The only thing is, he really is a dream come true. Honest to God, I think the angels really did get together on the day he was born; his hair does gleem like it's got moondust in it; his eyes do sparkle like there's starlight in 'em. Yeah, they're green, not blue, but heck, they made that song a long time ago; they couldn't get everything right.
So, maybe I won't shoot him. Maybe I'll let him shoot me. Only I'm gonna pick the gun he uses.The End
Companion story: It's NOT! MY! FAULT!
Song list:
Only Yesterday
I Won't Last A Day Without You
Close To You
We've Only Just Begun