Team 7 T-shirts

Compiled by: Amber F. Drabble

DEDICATION: To my online friend "Desert Vixen."

It's the Denver Federal Center's summer picnic. Command appearance, no exceptions. Chris would even find a way around this, except there's an official softball game against the FBI guys, and several unofficial pickup basketball games.

Chris has ordered Team 7 to appear in jeans and T-shirts (yes, even you, Agent Standish.) Here are the options:


I'm Only Wearing Black Until They Make Something Darker (Dark brown lettering, so you either have to know what it says ahead of time, or you have to be right up to him to read it.)

The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves

I Didn't Say It Was Your FAULT. I Said I Was Going To BLAME You (Birthday gift from Ezra.)


I Am Not Anti-Social. I'm Just Not Real Friendly

There Are Days When It Takes All You've Got Just To Keep Up With The Losers

I Hate The Fact That People Don't Salute Me (Birthday gift from Vin)

Doesn't Play Well With Others

Crazy Enough For A Post Office Job

Weird Enough For Government Work

A Team Effort Is A Lot Of People Doing What I Say

Some Days, It's Not Even Worth Chewing Through The Restraints

You Can Either Agree With Me Or Be Wrong!

I Hate Everyone

Has Anyone Ever Just Hauled Off And Hit You?

To Err Is Human. To Blame It On Someone Else Shows Management Potential (Birthday gift from Mary)

I Didn't Come Here To Lose!

Official Member Of The Piss & Moan About Everything Club (Birthday gift from Josiah)

When I Snap You'll Be The First To Go

Pissing Off The Whole Planet, One Person At A Time

Save Time. See It My Way

NAVY SEALS - To Find Us You Have To Be Good. To Catch Us You Have To Be Fast. To Beat Us You Have To Be Kidding (Birthday gift from Buck)

In My World You Don't Exist

When I Want Your Opinion I'll Remove The Duct Tape

When I Want Your Opinion I'll Read Your Entrails (Birthday gift from J.D.)

CAREFUL! I'm Running Out Of Places To Hide The Bodies!

Cancel My Subscription. I Don't Need Your Issues

All Around Me, I See Nothing But Panic, Chaos And Disorder. At Last My Work Here Is Done

Evil Keeps Me Young (Birthday gift from Josiah)

I Leave Bite Marks

I Am Getting SO Tired Of Slitting The Throats Of People Who Say That I'm A Violent Psychopath

System Analysis Is The Process Of Finding Exactly The Right Wrench To Pound In The Required Screw

User Surly

I Don't Know. I Don't Care. That's Why They Put Me In Charge

Stupidity Got Us Into This Mess. Why Can't It Get Us Out?

I Can Only Please One Person Per Day. Today Is Not Your Day. Tomorrow Isn't Looking Good Either.

Vegetables Are Not Food. Vegetables Are What Food Eats (Birthday gift from Vin)

Tourist Season Is Coming Up. Don't Forget Your License!

My Job Drives Me To Drink. If It Wasn't For That I'D QUIT!

It's A Control Freak Thing. I Won't Let You Understand

My Ex Gave Me A Reason To Live I WANT REVENGE! (Gift from Vin, following 'The Ella Incident')

This Isn't A Life, It's A Forced March!

Leave Earth Now. Ask Me How

A Real Friend Isn't Someone That You Use Once And Throw Away, A Real Friend Is Someone That You Can Use Again And Again! (Birthday Gift From Buck)

I Don't Know What Your Problem Is, But I'll Bet It's Hard To Pronounce

If You Believe You Can Tell Me What To Think, I Believe I Can Tell You Where To Go

Your IQ Test Results Are In. They Were Negative

I'm Trying To See Things From Your Point Of View, But I Can't Seem To Get My Head That Far Up My Ass!

I Don't Have Stress. I'm Just A Carrier (Birthday gift from Nathan)

Disgruntled Employee Of The Month

When You're Up To Your Ass In Tribbles, It's Hard To Remember That The Original Objective Was To Poison The Grain (Birthday gift from J.D.)

What I Really Need Are Minions

If Idiots Were Trees, This Place Would Be An Orchard!

Fishing & Beer - Sometimes You Just Have To Get Back To The Basics

Sanity Is Back-Ordered. Sarcasm Is In Unlimited Supply

Chances Are I'm Right

Well Aren't We Just A Freakin' Ray Of Sunshine?

Whatever I Can't Saw, Drill Or Sand Isn't Worth Messing With

667 Evil And Then Some

The Good News: I Was Right. The Better News: You Were Wrong

You Have The Right To Remain Silent. Care To Start Right About Now?

Yes, Beer Qualifies As An Appetizer

My Bad Feels So Good

My Therapist Says I'm In Denial. As If That Could Ever Happen

There Is No Problem So Complex That It Can't Be Solved With Duct Tape

I Need To Get Back To The Office So I Can Relax

Professional Critic

Bad Is The New Good

I'm Willing To Admit You're Wrong

Four Years' Tuition For A B.S. This Place Gives Me B.S. Every Day For Free

Things To Do Today: 1. Get Up 2. Survive 3. Go Back To Bed

I'll Cry For You As Soon As I'm Done Laughing

I'm Not A Control Freak. Just An Intense Analyst

Spite. That's Why

Some People Are Alive Only Because It's Illegal To Kill Them

Anything Worth Doing Is Worth Complaining About

It's All Good Except You

Walking Is Healthy Especially When I See You Walking Away From Me

The Cynicism Is Free But I Charge For The Sarcasm

I'm Just Friggin' Peachy

I Had A Nice Day. I Didn't Like It

This IS My Warm And Sensitive Side

Things You Say Are Called "Opinions." Things I Say Are Called "Facts."

I Never Make Mistakes. Once I Thought I Did. But I Was Mistaken

Too Many People With Solutions Are The Problem

Don't Blame Yourself. Let Me Do It.

I Never Fake Sarcasm

Plays Rough With Other Kids

Anyone Who Doesn't Agree With Me Is Invited To Take A Flying Leap


Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult (Birthday gift from Inez)

No One Knows The Trouble I've Been

The One Your Momma Warned You About

I Have My Faults, But Being Wrong Ain't One Of Them

I've Seen Elvis. He Was Sitting Next To Bigfoot On The UFO

Growing OLD Is Mandatory. Growing UP Is Optional.

Brilliant, Beautiful & One Of A Kind

The Man, The Myth, The Legend

Needs Supervision (Birthday gift from Chris)

Plays Well With UDDERS! (Think about it ... )

It's 5 O'clock Right Here, Baby

It's Just Another Freakin' Day In Paradise

The Last Man On Earth

Sex Instructor. First Lesson Free

NAVY SEALS - MESS With The Best DIE Like The Rest (Birthday gift from Chris)

FOR SALE Make Offer

I'm Not Santa, But You Can Sit On My Lap Anyway

Do Not Disturb Occupant Is Disturbed Enough Already

Hero For Hire: Damsels Rescued, Dragons Slain, Treasures Recovered, Scoundrels Foiled, Kingdoms Saved, Rudeness Punished 1-800-555-HERO

Scoundrel For Hire: Virginity Cured, Castles Plundered, Dragons Rescued, Royalty Abducted, Ugly Trolls Defended, Treasures Stolen, Heroes Defeated, Businesses Torched. No Brigandry Too Small, No Fee Too Outrageous 1-800-555-LOOT (Birthday gift from Casey)

God's Gift To Women With No Standards (Birthday gift from Inez)

Friends Let You Hide At Their Place. Real Friends Let You Hide BODIES (Birthday gift from Chris)

Beautiful Women Don't Intimidate Me. But I Sure Wish They Would Try!

I Am Not Worthless. I Can Still Serve As A Bad Example

Here I Am! Now What Are Your Other Two Wishes?

Is It Sexy In Here, Or Is It Just Me?

I Was Under The Impression There Would Be No Math Involved

I'm Not Vain. I Always Look This Good

My Life Has A Superb Cast, But I Can't Figure Out The Plot

I Am Not An Egomaniac. I Just Play To My Strengths

I May Not Be Right But I Can Sure Sound Like It

Your Dreams Have Been Answered ... I'm Here

I've Got A Way With Women. Way Out Of Line (Birthday gift from Rain)

It's All Fun And Games, Until Someone Gets Hurt - Then It's Freakin' Hilarious!

Please Remind Wearer How Much He Loves This Job. I KEEP FORGETTING!!!


Life Without Horses? I DON'T THINK SO!

Are You Gonna Cowboy Up, Or Are You Just Gonna Lie There And Bleed? (Birthday gift from Chris)

Keep Staring At Me. I Might Do A Trick.

Which Part Of DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS Are You Not Getting?

The Boss Likes ME Best

I Eat THREE Servings Of Vegetables Per Day. Ketchup, Ketchup & Ketchup. (Birthday gift from J.D.)

On A Clear Night, I Can Hear The Fish Laughing

Yo Fish, BITE ME

All County Team Cow Tipping (Birthday gift from Casey)


You Never See A MOTORCYCLE Parked Outside Of A Psychiatrist's Office

'Vegetarian': Ancient Native American Word For 'Lousy Hunter' (Birthday gift from Chris)

U.S. Army Snipers - Reach Out And Touch Someone (Birthday gift from Nathan)

U. S. Army Rangers - Don't Bother Running, You'll Just Die Tired (Birthday gift from Josiah)

Bates Motel Staff (Birthday gift from Casey)

Give Blood - Play Hockey

(Jeep logo) Because Drugs Would Be Cheaper

Who Needs Drugs? I Own A (Harley-Davidson Bar & Shield)

My Life May Be Weird But At Least It's Not Boring

Motorcycles Do Not Leak Oil. They Mark Their Territory (Birthday gift from Josiah)

Some People Say That I Have A.D.D. That's Really Not ... Ooooooh, Shiny!

They Say I Have A.D.D., But They Just Don't Understand ... Hey, Look! A Chicken!

Computer Literacy? You Mean My Computer Is Supposed To Read?

Anything Which Does Not Kill Me Had Better Do Enough Damage To Keep Me From Firing Back!

If You Can Read This, Our Snipers Can Drop You. Have A Nice Day!

Everything I Really Needed To Know, I Learned In Sniper School

i suport publik edjicashun (Birthday gift from Nettie)

I Ride The Short Bus

Did The Aliens Forget To Remove Your Anal Probe?

If I Can't Fix It, It Must Not Be Broken

As A Matter Of Fact, I Did Sleep In These Clothes

Well, On The Planet I Come From ...

I Try To Live In The Moment. Any Moment But This

Wherever You Came From Please Go Back

I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol

Doesn't Expecting The Unexpected Make The Unexpected The Expected?

I Work For The Fun Of It. It Sure Ain't For The Pay!

I'm Not A Pessimist. I'm An Optimist With Experience.


Caution: I'm Busy Formulating A Withering Retort

I'm Sorry, But I Don't Know Any Words Small Enough For You To Understand

Not Now. I'm Working The Room. (Birthday gift from Vin)

The Villagers Are Coming With Torches And Pitchforks. Please Hide Me. (Birthday gift from Nathan)

Everything I Say Is Fully Substantiated By My Own Opinion

Fashion Can Be Bought. Style One Must Possess

Yet, Despite The Look On My Face, You're Still Talking

And Your Point Is ... ?

Just Be Happy I'm Not A Twin

Yes, It IS Always About Me

The Difference Between Genius And Stupidity Is That Genius Has Its Limits

Sarcasm, Just One More Service I Offer

I Smell Something Burning. Have You Been Thinking Again?

I'm Trying To Arrange My Life So That I Don't Have To Be Present

It IS As Bad As You Think And They ARE Out To Get You

Damn Right I'm Good In Bed! I Can Sleep For Days

When You're Right No One Remembers, When You're Wrong No One Forgets (Birthday gift from Inez)

If I Don't Remember, It Didn't Happen

I'm Not Always Late. Sometimes I Just Don't Show Up

Regrettably, All The Good Paying Jobs Start Before I Get Up

Another Fine Product Of A Dysfunctional Family (Birthday gift from Chris)

You're Not Yourself Today ... I Noticed The Improvement Immediately

Give A Jackass An Education And You Get A Smart Ass (Birthday gift from Buck)

WARNING: Hanging Around Me Will Greatly Damage Your Reputation

I Love My Work ... That's Why I'm Saving So Much Of It For Tomorrow

I'd Love To Engage In A Battle Of Wits With You ... But You Appear Unarmed

WARNING! I Have A Vocabulary In Excess Of 75,000 Words, And I'm Not Afraid To Use It!

Computers Cut My Work in Half ... And The Boss Expects ME To Put It All Back Together

"Not A Morning Person" Does Not Even Begin To Describe It

All Right, Who Put The Morning People In Charge?

Another Deadline, Another Miracle

Deadlines Amuse Me

If Not For The Last Minute, I'd Never Get A Thing Done!

Power Corrupts. Isn't That What It's For?

Abolish Mornings!

Procrastinate Later

Oh No! I Turned Out Just like My Mother! (Birthday gift from Maude)

Go Fascinate Someone Else

I Get Plenty Of Exercise Just Pushing My Luck!

Running Late For Work Is The Only Exercise I Get!

Eagles Soar, But A Weasel Never Gets Sucked Into A Jet Engine

Only Robinson Crusoe Had Everything Done By FRIDAY

That's My Story And I'm Sticking To It!

On The Advice Of My Lawyers, I Have No Comment At This Time

I Cannot Comment During An Ongoing Investigation

You Have The Right To Remain Silent. So Please Shut Up!

Am I Getting Smart With You? How Would YOU Know?

Money May Not Buy Happiness, But I'll Take It Anyway

When You're Losing The Game, Change The Rules

Careful! Or You'll End Up In My Memoirs

I'm Pitching My Life Story For A Hollywood Movie

I Have More Issues Than A Magazine

National Sarcasm Society. Like We Need Your Support

Life Is A Circus And I'm Stuck In The Freak Tent

My Opinion Is Never Humble

Yes, The Sun Does Rise Just For Me

Searching For An Enabler

When Will The World Recognize My Genius?

That Annoying Ringtone? It's Mine

Pay No Attention To The Device Around My Ankle (Birthday gift from Chris)

Take A Pessimist to Dinner! We Always Have Reservations

California's Got Sunshine, But The South's Got Moonshine

Everyone Has The Right To Be Stupid ... But You're Abusing The Privilege

No Need To Yell, I Still Won't Listen

Perfection Is Just One Of My Many Achievements

I Deserve The Absolute Best Of Everything

I Pamper Myself Because Nobody Else Will

First the Good News - I Made Bail ...

When All Else Fails ... Tell The Truth And Run!

Please Don't Make Me Call Security

Make It Idiot-Proof And Someone Will Make A Better Idiot

Your Participle Is Dangling


I'm Not Bossy, I Just know What You Should Be Doing (Birthday gift from Ezra.)

Always Being Right Is An Awesome Responsibility (Birthday gift from Buck)

I Don't Need School, I Already Know Everything (Birthday gift from Vin)

I'm Tired Of Being My Girlfriend's Arm Candy! (Birthday gift from Rain)

Have You Hugged A Hockey Player Today? (Birthday gift from J.D.)

CHAOS More Than A Theory, It's The Way Of My Life

I Owe It All To My Boss. Ulcers, Nausea, Paranoia ... (Birthday gift from Chris)

A Closed Mind Doesn't Need Drugs. It's Already Wasted

I Used To Have A Handle On Life - But It Broke!

If I Could Get A Firm Grip On Life, I'D CHOKE IT!

No Worries. Just Major Concerns

I Prefer To Handle You With Tongs And Surgical Gloves

Frazzled, Thanks, How About You?

When I'm Not Worried, I'm Worried

I Can Fix Anything! Where's The Duct Tape?


Gray Hair Is God's Graffiti

When All Else Fails ... READ THE INSTRUCTIONS! (picture of Bible)

I Don't Tan. I Rust.

Everyone Is Born Right-handed. Only The Gifted Overcome It. (Birthday gift from Nettie)

If The Right Side Of The Brain Controls The Left Side Of The Body ... Then Only LEFT-HANDED People Are In Their Right Minds

Lefties Do It Right

Don't Take Life So Seriously. It Isn't Permanent.

GEEZER Formerly Known As Stud Muffin (Birthday gift from Buck)

Work For God. The Retirement Benefits Are Great.

Have YOU Seen My Car Keys?

Hang In There. Moses Was A Basket Case Too!

Age And Treachery Will Triumph Over Youth And Skill (Birthday gift from Chris)

Always Forgive Your Enemies. Nothing Annoys Them More.


Over The Hill? What Hill? I Don't Remember Any Hill

There's A Place For All God's Creatures ... Right Next To The Fries & Tartar Sauce! (Birthday gift from Vin.)

I Left The Golf Course ... FOR THIS?

GOLF Is FLOG Spelled Backwards.

Golf Is My Handicap

We Have Enough Youth - How About A Fountain Of Smart? (Birthday gift from Maude)

I KNOW I Came In This Room For A Reason

At My Age Sometimes I Stop To Think And Forget To Start Again

At My Age, 'Getting Lucky' Means Remembering Where I Parked!

Older ... Wiser ... & More Fed Up Than Ever!

Old Army (Birthday gift from Vin)

Old Age Hasn't Slowed Me Down. I Was Always This Slow

The Golden Years Have Come At Last: I Cannot See, I Cannot Pee. I Cannot Chew, I Cannot Screw. My Memory Shrinks, My Hearing Stinks. No Sense Of Smell, I Look Like Hell. My Body's Drooping, Got Trouble Pooping. The Golden Years Have Come At Last, The Golden Years Can KISS MY ASS!

God Wants Spiritual Fruit, Not Religious Nuts

I'm So Old I Can Laugh, Cough, Sneeze, Fart And Pee All At The Same Time

Free Gas! Inquire In Rear

Meddle Not In The Affairs Of Dragons, For Thou Art Crunchy And Good With Ketchup

If You Can't Stand The Heat, Don't Tickle The Dragon

Always Remember - Pillage First, THEN Burn!

The Ways Are Many (Pictures of different religious symbols) The Light Is One!

The Computer Revolution Is Over. The Computers WON

In My Next Life, I Want More Memory Installed

Remember When (Windows logo) Were Washed, (picture of a mouse) Were Trapped And Unix Guarded The Harem?

Information Highway Roadkill

I'll "Get A Life" When Someone Can Prove That It's Better Than What I've Got Now

Dead Men Tell No Tales ... Unless You're In Forensics

I Have Seen The Truth ... And It Makes No Sense!

Been There, Done That. Went Back For More!

Where Are We Going? And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

Some Days, It's Just Not Worth Climbing Out Of The Primordial Ooze

Stop Me! Before I Volunteer Again!

When They Arrest You For Being A Christian, Will They Have Enough Evidence?

My Doctor Says I'm In The Early Stages Of Fossilization

I Woke Up And Smelled Something ... But I Don't Think It Was Coffee

I Did The Math And I'm Still Confused

Thank You. Was That So Difficult?

Reality. TV. Two More Reasons To Read

I'm Not Old Compared To The Sun

Lead Me Not Into Temptation. I Can Find It Myself

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway

So Life Has A Hill. Get Over It.

I'm Not Hard Of Hearing. I'm Trying Hard Not To Hear You.

Don't Mess With Me. I Drive A Gas-Guzzling SUV.

Life Was Better When We Didn't Know What The Government Was Up To

I'm Old And Wise. You're Young And Stupid. Go Figure.

Handle With Care I Wrinkle

I'm Not Old, I'm Just In Overtime


Catholic School Survivor (Birthday gift from Josiah)

When All Else Fails Manipulate The Data

DANGER May Geek Out With No Warning!

Computers Are Vehicles For The Mind. They Drive You Crazy!

I Have NOT Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On The Server. (And The Network Is Down Again ... )

Computers Aren't Intelligent. They Just Think They Are

I Searched For Myself On GOOGLE And Found Nothing

When In Doubt HACK!

I Wandered Off From The Tour

I'm With The Band

No Job, No Money, No Car - But I'm In A BAND

What A Hell Of A Time For The Meds To Wear Off

People Like You Are The Reason People Like Me Need Medication

Are You A Side Effect Of My Medication?

Try Not To Be Jealous, We Can't All Be IRISH (Birthday gift from Chris)

Mom, Dad, I'm GAELIC (Birthday gift from Buck)

Instant Human, Just Add Coffee

Celebrate Life With KETCHUP

Short People Have Feelings Too

Still Plays With MOTORCYCLES (Birthday gift from Vin)

It's All Fun And Games Until Someone Loses A Tooth - Then It's Hockey!

Your Village Called. They Want Their Idiot Back. (Birthday gift from Ezra)

Born To Rock Forced To Work

If Brains Were Dynamite You Wouldn't Even Have Enough To Blow Your Nose (Birthday gift from Buck)

Oh No! Not Another LEARNING Experience! (Birthday gift from Casey)

2004 World Series Champions Boston Red Sox - Now I Can Die In Peace!

VIDEO GAMES Drugs Would Be Cheaper

Get A Life? I'm A Gamer. I Have LOTS Of Lives!

Are You Sure This Isn't Just A Live-Action RPG?

When The GM Smiles, It's Already Too Late

Never Trust A Smiling GM

The GM Is Always Right. Cruel, Sadistic, Vicious ... But Always Right!

Knowledge Is Power. Power Corrupts. Study Hard. Be Evil

Brotherhood Of Lackeys, Minions & Thralls

Pirates? Ninjas? A Jedi Cares Not About These

Vader Was Framed!

When They Outlaw Guns, Can We Use Swords?

Your Powers Are Useless. The Clowns Are On My Side

When Irish Eyes Are Smiling ... Watch Out! (Birthday gift from Casey)

Yes, I've Heard Of "Decaf." What's Your Point?

Artificial Intelligence Is No Match For Natural Stupidity

Some Days, I Just Don't Feel Like Slaying Dragons

My Girlfriend Said She'd Leave Me If I Didn't Give Up Gaming. I'm Sure Gonna Miss Her (Birthday gift from Casey)

CAUTION! Triggerhappy Klingon On Tactical!

I'm Not Nearly As Think As You Confused I Am! (Birthday gift from Ezra)

I'm Confused ... Wait ... Maybe I'm Not

I Did Not Escape! I Have A Day Pass (Birthday gift from Chris)

I LIKE Noise. I NEED Noise. When It's Too Quiet, I Can Hear My Brain Cells Dying

Don't Try To Outweird Me. I Eat Weirder Things Than You With My Breakfast Cereal

It's Hard To Soar With Dragons When You Work With Gargoyles

Proud Ancestor Of A Starfleet Academy Honor Student

Picard/Riker '08

To Hell With The Prime Directive! I'm Gonna KILL Something!

Beam Me Up, Scotty. They Make Lousy Coffee Down Here

Beam Me Sideways, Scotty. Nobody Here Knows Which Way Is Up

Very Funny, Scotty. Now Beam Down My Clothes

Beam Me Up, Scotty. There's No Intelligent Life Down Here

Hey, Scotty! Beam Down Yeoman Rand And A Six-Pack (Birthday gift from Buck)

Evil Geniuses Have More FUN

Official Beer Run Guy You Buy, I'll Fly

It Ain't Easy Being Human

Pogue Mahone (Means 'Kiss My Ass' in Irish)

A Few Corn Dogs Shy Of A Picnic (Birthday gift from Buck)

I Can Only Kiss One Ass A Day. Today Ain't Your Day

Boldly Going Nowhere

Never Miss A Good Chance To Shut Up

Can We Declare A Snow Day?

Just Another Sexy Short Guy

Let's Hope Intelligent Life Exists In Space. I'm So Lonely Here

Mary, Sarah, Rain, Casey, Inez, Nettie, Maude, Evie ... (take yer choice):

Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History (Mary, birthday gift from Buck)

The Best Revenge Is To Live Long Enough To Be A Problem To Your Children

You Can't Scare Me, I'm A Mother

The Queen Is Not Amused

Having Kids Is Like Being Pecked To Death By Ducks

I Only Have A Kitchen Because It Came With The House

I Just Haven't Been The Same Since That House Fell On My Sister (Maude, birthday gift from Chris)

You'd Be Like This, Too, If They Dropped A House On Your Sister!

Embarrassing My Children, Just One More Service I Offer

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall ... What The *#@*! Happened?

Don't Make Me Get The Flying Monkeys! (Inez, birthday gift from Buck)

I Have No Idea What I Am Doing Out Of Bed

Why Yes, I Am A Model

My Inner Child Wants Some Chocolate NOW!

A Woman Is Like A Teabag. You Never Know How Strong It Is Until It's In Hot Water (Mary, birthday gift from Chris)

When Mommy's Not Happy, Nobody's Happy (Mary, birthday gift from Billy)

She Who Must Be Obeyed! (Mary, birthday gift from Billy)

Irish By Marriage Stubborn From Birth (Casey, birthday gift from J.D.)

Who Says Goddesses Have to Be Anorexic?

The Way To A Man's Heart Is Between The Fourth And Fifth Ribs!

If It Isn't Fattening It Isn't Food!

'Normal' Is A Setting On My Washing Machine!

Few Women Admit Their Age. Fewer Men Act It

I'm Not Really A Bitch, I've Just Had PMS For Thirty Years!

My Other Car is A Broom

WARNING! I Go From Zero To Bitch In 3.5 Seconds

I Wasn't Born A Bitch. Men Like You Made Me This Way

Ginger Rogers Did Everything Fred Astaire Did ... Backwards Wearing Heels!

Women Are Natural Leaders. That's Why You're Following One

If Logic Prevailed, Men Would Ride Sidesaddle

Men Have Only Two Faults: Everything They Say And Everything They Do

BITCH More Than A Word, It's A Way Of Life

Given A Choice Most Women Will Pick Beauty Over Brains Because Most Men See Better Than They Think!

Therapy Is Expensive. Poppin' Bubble Wrap Is Cheap. You Choose.

What Would Xena Do?

Authorized Agent Guilt Trip Travel Agency (Maude, birthday gift from Ezra)

I Either Get What I Want Or I Change My Mind

Still Throws Temper Tantrums

In My Next Life, I Want To Be Barbie. That Bitch Has Everything!

Judge Travis:

I Was Married By A Judge. I Should Have Asked For A Jury. (Birthday gift from Mrs. T!)

Grandpas Rock! (Birthday gift from Billy)

A Good Lawyer Knows The Law. A Great Lawyer Knows The Judge. (Birthday gift from Ezra)

Grandchildren Are Your Best Revenge

Grandparents And Grandchildren Have A Common Enemy

Mom's Not Happy? Dial 1-800-GRANDPA!

Yes, Dear