And, after the love games have been played
And all our illusions were just a parade
and all our reasons start to fade...Earth Wind and Fire - "Reasons"
If he stopped to think about what they were doing, maybe he'd be stronger. If he thought of the reasons, maybe he would consider that the reasons were all wrong. And if he took just one second to think about the repercussions, the morning after, maybe he would run so fast that he wouldn't give into a moment of weakness. His weakness.
But that's the problem when you find yourself face to face with your heart's desire. Thoughts, reason and just plain old common sense fly right out the window. He didn't think about anything. Couldn't think, even if his life depended on it. Which, when all was said and done, it did. He just couldn't get himself to care about that right now. Tomorrow. Yeah. Tomorrow he would care. But right now, right now he just...wanted.
Wanted to be naked, body pressed so close to body that even the air could not come between them. Wanted to feel hands touching him, stroking him, committing his body to memory. Wanted to feel soft lips kissing him all over. And more than anything, he wanted to see love for him in the eyes that were locked onto his own. Was that too much to ask? God, he honestly didn't think it was.
Maybe...Maybe, come morning, he could blame it on circumstances. He could convince himself that it was all because they were still pumped with adrenaline. After all, they had just wrapped up a case. It hadn't been easy. Out numbered, out gunned. Bullets flying. He almost bought the farm, this time. It was close...too close. But he was faster, and he was a far better shot.
It was over, and it was Friday, so what better way to celebrate than to spend some time at the Saloon with the only people in the world that truly were grateful that he was alive and kicking?
The booze was flowing, but he only had one. He didn't need whiskey or beer to feel intoxicated. He only needed Chris. And the looks Chris was sending his way made him light-headed in a way that liquor never could.
He watched as Chris sucked down one shot after another. He understood. Liquid courage was what it was. Couldn't blame the man for that.
Now that it was over and they could think about it, it hit them hard, like a ton of bricks, what could have happened. How one minute he was there, breathing, and the next he could have been gone. Well, there's nothing like almost dying to make you appreciate being among the living.
Maybe that's what it was. They were high on life, at the moment. And now, they just wanted tofeel alive. He wasn't exactly sure how it happened. He didn't invite him. No words were spoken. Then again, no words were ever needed between the two of them. What was, just was. And before he knew it, they left the Saloon together and gave in to a need that was bigger and stronger than any resistance they may have had to it.
And now, here they were, in his apartment, in his bedroom. All alone. And suddenly everything...everything he'd been dreaming of, wishing for, waiting for was being offered. He couldn't...he just couldn't walk away from this. Couldn't say, 'no.'
They were standing at the foot of his bed. For a minute, he didn't know what he should do. But then, he felt a gentle hand. A smooth caress along the side of his face. He closed his eyes, and leaned into it, relished the touch, cherished it. He whispered a soft sigh and prayed for more. Just...more.
His chin was gently lifted. And then that voice. That voice that spoke to him every night in his dreams.
"Open your eyes, Vin. Look at me."
He could never deny the man anything. He did what was asked and when he saw the tenderness and amazement reflected in the green eyes looking back at him, he knew that all he felt and all that he wanted from and wanted to give to this man was right there for Chris to see. He was an open book. He didn't...couldn't hide anything. Eyes being the window to the soul and all.
Chris glanced at the bed, and then back to him. "You want this?"
It took him a minute to find his voice, and when he did, it was raspy and low. "Since the moment that I met ya."
The smile that lit up Chris's face nearly melted Vin's heart.
"Get naked for me, Vin. Let me see you...really see you."
He wanted to rip his clothes off. He got inpatient and started to do just that. But then a touch of hands and a quiet voice stilled him.
"Slow. Nice and slow."
He took his time, although, with Chris looking at him the way that he was, it took every ounce of control that he had to do it. Finally, the last stitch of his clothing floated to the floor and his body, heart and soul were naked and stripped bare.
It was a heady feeling, this exposure. He was showing himself at his most vulnerable. There were no clothes to hide under. No gun to protect himself with. He was giving and trusting Chris with all that he was. Scars and all. And he hoped that Chris understood what a gift that was from someone like him. Trust given rarely and not ever given lightly or foolishly.
He felt like he'd been standing like this for hours, though it was merely seconds. He was on display and he had to fight hard against the urge to run. Chris just kept looking at him. Looking at every inch of his body.
A quick flash of fear hit him. Did Chris find him lacking? Was he disappointed in the body in front of him? God. He just wished the man would say something.
And then, he felt it. Finger tips stroking his body. So gentle, so light. Almost reverently. Then, he heard it. A subtle hitch in a breath. A voice, usually so strong and commanding, all of a sudden soft and filled with awe.
"My God, Vin. You're beautiful. Everything and more than I ever imagined."
His own breath hitched at that. To think that Chris thought of him, his body, and found the reality better than the imagination. In his wildest dreams, he never dared to think that Chris would feel that way. He was humbled and he was falling deeper and deeper in love by the second.
He looked at Chris, a small smile gracing his face, and that seemed to trigger something in the man. Chris was suddenly moving at the speed of light. He was kissing Vin with a hunger that was insatiable. All the while ripping at his own clothes until he was free of them.
As Chris was kissing and groping Vin, he was backing him to the bed. In seconds, the back of his knees hit the mattress. He stole a look at the bed, and before he knew it, he was falling back.
Jumping off a cliff. That's what this felt like for him. He was falling, riding the wind, floating on the currents of air. This was a dangerous game they were playing. The point of no return. No turning back. But the rush he was feeling was so life affirming that he couldn't see past it. He never, ever gave the ground rushing up to meet him a second thought. But then, he always loved a good thrill ride.
And a thrill ride it was. Every time Chris touched him, it sent shivers through his whole body. Every place the man's lips or fingers graced felt electric. All his senses and nerves alive and popping. Everything magnified, til he was writhing and moaning.
Then the hands and lips left him. He opened his eyes to see Chirs smiling down at him.
"I want you on your knees, Vin. Now."
Hell, he'd dreamt many nights of doing just that. So as gracefully as he could manage, he slipped off the bed and went to his knees. When he looked up, he found Chris sitting on the edge of the bed, his legs spread.
"Come closer. Suck me."
It was one of the best invitations he'd ever gotten. He started off slowly. Stroking the shaft. Up and down. He licked the cock, the head and the slit. All the while using his hands to play with the heavy balls. He stroked the shaft some more, this time taking the balls into his mouth enjoying the taste and smell unique to Chris. Feeling bolder with each moan the man let loose, he took the cock deep into his throat sucking on it for all he was worth.
He could have stayed like this all night. The sounds of Chris's pleasure egging him on. But a set of hands grabbed onto his hair, slowing his momentum until finally pushing him away.
No sooner did he catch his breath than he was pulled up off his knees and bent face down over the bed. His feet planted on the floor, and his legs kicked wide apart.
Once again Chris's hands were on him, touching, rubbing, exploring his backside. He thought he'd just about lose his mind when Chris put his fingers to his lips and told him to suck them, to make them wet.
Now, Chris's hands were demanding. He was kneading the cheeks of Vin's ass, spreading them, spitting on the tight puckered hole, pressing his finger inside, ignoring the hiss from Vin at the intrusion. One, two fingers, in and out. In and out.
He couldn't stop the noises he was making, the breathless moans, and, God help him, the desperate tone of his voice as he pleaded. "Please, Chris. Please. I want...I ..."
"What do you want, Vin?"
God, that voice was so damn sexy and teasing. He thought he could come just from the sound of it alone. Who knew that Chris Larabee was a cock tease?
"I want you to fuck me," he panted. "I want you inside me."
"Need something to ease the way. Don't want to hurt you, Vin."
"In the drawer...in the night..night stand. Lube."
He wondered, as Chris leaned over and grabbed the tube, what Chris thought about him having that lube so handy. Maybe it wouldn't matter, maybe later on, it would.
When he felt the cold liquid dripping onto his ass, and then Chris's fingers pushing inside him again, preparing him, and when he heard Chris spreading the liquid on his cock, he didn't care whether it mattered or not anymore. He was living for the moment. The only thing that mattered to him was getting that cock inside his ass.
No sooner did he think it, than the cock was slowly pushing into him. He squeezed his eyes shut, and bit his lip, trying to stifle the cry of pain that welled up in his throat. It hurt. It had been a long time since he'd been fucked.
"Breathe, Vin, breathe. It will get better. I'm going to make you feel real good."
Maybe it was the voice, or maybe it was the trust he had in the man, but he did relax, he did breathe and soon the pain gave way to pleasure.
This was so good. So damn good. Chris was pumping into him, hard and fast. Both of them breathing heavy and getting lost in the sensations.
"So tight. So fucking tight. So good." Chris's voice. Strained, and breathless. Vin knew the man was almost there, and when he felt Chris's hand latch on to his cock and start to pump him in time to the prick pumping his ass, he knew he was going to go over the edge, too.
Then it happened. They both exploded, one right after the other. Chris sending his juices all over Vin's back and ass, and Vin sending his on his stomach and bed.
Chris pulled out of him, went to the bathroom and came back with a towel to clean up. He felt so boneless that he didn't even move when Chris cleaned his back and ass for him.
"Come on, Vin. You have to get up so I can get that mess off of your stomach."
Poor choice of words, Vin thought, but he got up. He made his way to the bathroom, took care of business, and came back to the bedroom. He almost feared that Chris would leave, but there he was, on his side, head on the pillow drifting off to sleep.
He crawled on the bed and spooned behind Chris. He put his arm around him and smiled when he felt his hand being squeezed. He was totally spent, and as sleep started to claim him, all that he could hear was his own voice silently making a plea to the powers that be.
"Please, please, let this night last forever..." Then he, too, went off to dream his dreams.
+ + + + + + +
He woke to the first rays of the morning sun filtering through his window. It was early enough that his room was a mix of light and shadow. He looked at his partner, still sleeping soundly, and was almost amazed that last night wasn't a dream.
He carefully and quietly got up and headed to the bathroom. He took a long, hot shower, dried off, and towel dried his hair. Just enough so that it didn't drip, but it was still damp. He went back to his room, threw on a pair of shorts and climbed back into bed.
He watched Chris sleep, took in the face, relaxed and handsome. He thought about last night, thought about how he'd love a million more nights like that. He was caught up in all he felt then and all he was feeling now.
Gazing at Chris again, he realized that he could look at this man forever and never tire of his face.
"I love ya, Cowboy," he whispered softly.
But not softly enough because he felt the body next to him tense up and stiffen, and he knew he just made a huge mistake.
Chris didn't look at him. Didn't say a word. He got up off the bed, grabbed his clothes and headed for the bathroom. As soon as he heard the shower running, Vin got up and went to wait in the living room. All the while thinking to himself, "Stupid, stupid, stupid. How could I be so stupid?"
It was only minutes before Chris was dressed and walking right past him, right to the door.
"Chris. Wait. Just..."
"I think it's best if I just leave, Vin."
"Chris...I....I didn't..." What could he say? He didn't...what? He didn't mean it? But he did mean it, and he just couldn't bring himself to lie. Well, the truth will set you free or it would get you shot. He guessed he was about to find out which one it would be.
"Don't leave like this, Chris. At least sit down and let's talk about this."
So here they were, sitting on each end of the couch, but they may as well have been miles apart. The silence between them foreign and uncomfortable, until he could take it no more.
"I ain't gonna lie to ya, Chris. What I said...it's the truth. I do love ya. Have for a long time now. And...and I was pretty sure that after last night, you loved me, too."
"Loved you?"
The bitter laugh that followed the words cut him to the bone. It hurt him, just as it was meant to do. And he knew that the hurting was just beginning . But what could he do? He was in deep. So deep.
"I'm sorry, Vin. But last night. Last night was just a one night stand. A good time. No strings. But now I can see, it was a mistake."
"A one night stand? A mistake? Well, it weren't neither of those things to me."
"That is all it was. Don't try and convince yourself otherwise."
"And don't you try to convince yourself. What is it with you, Chris? Why do ya feel like ya have to turn this into somethin' meaningless? Do ya really need to treat me like some cheap whore? Does that make it easier for you to walk out on me?"
He watched then. Watched and waited. Tried to see even a trace of understanding from this man who had come to mean so much to him. Maybe his words hit a nerve. But looking at Chris's face, he thought, maybe not. Damn, the man.
"I saw you come within inches of losing your life. I was just grateful that you were alive. I just... It just... It just happened. That's all, Vin. That's all it was."
"Grateful? Well, hell, Chris. The rest of the guys were pretty grateful that I didn't end up six feet under. But, for some reason none of them saw fit to come on over and fuck me. Why the hell do you think that is, huh, Chris? If you were just grateful, ya could've just bought me a drink and left it at that."
Once again they sat in silence, until this time, it was Chris's voice that cut through the heavy air between them.
"What do you want from me, Vin?"
"The truth. Just the truth."
"Oh? And what might that be?"
"It is what it is, Chris. You're in love with me."
"In love with you? Oh, come on, Vin. Don't be so naive. You know that I don't fall in love. I can't. Yeah, I wanted your ass. It's a pretty fine ass, Vin. But, it's just a place to stick my cock. Nothing more. I may want you. May want to fuck you. But there's no way in hell that I'll ever be in love with you."
Well, the bastard sure knew how to strike where it would hurt the most. He'd give him that. But he knew Chris was deliberately being cruel. Though he was about to shake a stick at a pissed off rattler, he was going to get Chris to bare his soul. Even if it cost him his own.
"I ain't been naive since I was five years old, Chris. I don't understand you. Why the hell do you have to make this so fuckin' hard? Why can't you just go with it? Just take a chance...a leap of faith and see where it leads us."
"We're not getting anywhere with this. We just keep going around in circles. As far as I'm concerned, this conversation is over."
"Why can't you just say that you want me. Say you're in love with me?"
"BECAUSE I CAN'T! Because I was a husband and a father. Because that part of me won't ever be in love with another man. That part of me would never make peace with that. That Chris Larabee won't ever betray his family like that."
"And what about this Chris Larabee? The one in the here and now. The one that is in love with a man. A living, breathing man. Flesh and blood. Not some ghost."
"Shut up, Vin. Just shut the fuck up. You have no right to bring my wife into this. No fucking right at all."
"Don't I? How long, Chris? How long have you known how I really feel about you?"
"I realized it not long after you joined the team."
"Fuck! All this time, you knew! This great friendship we're supposed to have ain't so great after all." He shook his head, amazed.
"All the time you spent alone with me. All the looks, the touches. The time alone at the ranch, ridin' and hangin' out. You were leadin' me on. You knew I was gettin' in deeper and deeper and you just let me. Did you ever even think about what that was like for me? Lovin' you. Wantin' you. But knowin' I could never have you."
"I never meant to hurt you, Vin."
"Maybe not. But that sure as hell didn't stop you from doin' it. Hell, you knew I was safe for you. I'd never risk our friendship. You selfish bastard!"
"Look, Vin. I didn't lead you on. At least not intentionally. The ranch...everything you said, everything that happened last night, it wasn't about anything but friendship. You're the best friend I ever had, Vin. I don't want to lose that. But that's all you are. Sara was, is, and will always be, the love of my life."
"Really? That's real funny, 'cause when you were fuckin' my ass last night, you never once thought of your precious dead wife. Did ya?"
He knew it was coming, so he braced himself for it. But still, the force of the backhand that hit his mouth and split his lip, sent him to the floor.
He looked up at Chris. Wiped the blood from his lip, then got up and got right back in Chris's face.
"All those nights at the ranch, when I was sleepin' in the other room...Did you think about me? Did you want to come to my room? Strip me down? Touch me? Did you wonder what it would be like to fuck me?"
He watched as Chris lowered his head, hid his eyes. He was dancing on thin ice, but either their relationship would grow into something or it would die here. He wanted to give it a fighting chance, and he would fight dirty to do it.
"Do you think about havin' me naked in your bed? Suckin' you? Tell me, Chris. How many times have you stained the sheets jerkin' off thinkin' about my naked ass?"
"Vin. I'm warning you. Stop, before I hurt you."
"Gonna hit me again? Did that make ya feel good? Go ahead. You can beat the shit of me, but it won't change anythin'. It won't change the truth.
What's the matter, Chris? You startin' to think about me more and less about your wife? You don't think about her at all when you're in bed and your hand is wrapped around your dick, do you? Truth hurts, huh?"
"No, Vin! No! I don't think of her. Only you. And that makes me sick to my stomach. How could I think of you in that way in the bed I shared with her? In the house I built for her. I hate myself for betraying her like that. My Sara! My beautiful, beautiful Sara! I loved my life with her! It was perfect! She was perfect!"
"That's the problem with ghosts, Chris. They become more and more perfect as time goes by. No one. Woman or man, can ever measure up to that. No one."
"I don't care, Vin. I can't let her go."
"Hell, Chis. You're chasing after the ghost of a good thing. The wife, the kids, the white picket fence. It's gone, Chris. Ya gotta let it go."
"It's who I am, Vin."
He was losing the battle, hell the whole damn war. He just didn't know what else he could say or do, so he pulled Chris into a deep and passionate kiss. Then broke away and looked right into Chris's eyes.
"It's who you were, Chris. But, you know what's really sad? What's breakin' my heart? While you keep chasin' a ghost, you can't see what's right in front of you and you're gonna let me walk away. You're gonna let me go."
"I'd end up resenting you, Vin."
"Maybe. But maybe this could be somethin' amazin'. I'm willin' to take the risk."
"I'm not. You could never replace her in my heart. Never."
"I don't want to replace her. I just want a little place in there to call my own."
"I'm sorry, Vin. I'm truly sorry."
He closed his eyes when he felt the gentle touch on his shoulder, the soft kiss on his lips. Chris was leaving him. Leaving him in so many ways that the ache in his heart stole his breath away. When the foot steps stopped at the door, he opened his eyes.
"I love ya, Chris."
"I know."
His eyes were riveted on Chris as he opened the door.
"Chris?"
"Yeah?"
"I ain't gonna wait for you. I ain't gonna let you become my ghost."
"I know."
And with that Chris stepped through the door and out of Vin's life.
He didn't know how long he sat there on the couch. He was numb. He finally got up and made his way to the bedroom and crashed on the bed.
He was drained. Totally exhausted and completely empty inside.
He thought about last night. That one perfect night. He wondered if he'd ever see its like again. He figured he should be thankful for it, but he wondered if being with Chris that one time would be worse, in the long run, then never being with him at all.
He was tired and as he started to drift off to sleep he thought that he could blame everything on circumstances. He could blame it on asking for too much, on being in love, and being a fool. But mostly, he could just blame it on the morning after.The End