References to explicit m/m sex; hanky suggested, it's short but it's dark
Vin missed Chris the most when it rained.Lying in bed in his small, neat apartment in one of Denver's toughest neighborhoods, Vin listened to the rain hitting the window and thought of Chris.
Thinking of Chris at all was not a luxury Vin often afforded himself. Thinking of him sexually as he was now, of the physical intimacy they'd once shared, was more torture than anything else, and Vin was not one to torture himself. But the rain just made it so damn hard.
Partly because it was raining the first time Chris had surrendered himself totally to Vin. Heavy rain pounding the roof over Chris's bedroom as those green eyes, darkened with passion and lust, first signaled their desire to let Vin take the lead. To let Vin take Chris and make love to him the way he'd dreamed of almost since the day they'd met.
Vin was strong but he was only human. The memories broke over him like waves, long suppressed and now threatening to drown him. Wanted to resist, usually did, couldn't now. He was a fighter but he couldn't fight the undertow as it dragged him away to a happier, best-left-in-the-past time he'd lived seemingly a lifetime ago.
He'd forgotten it was raining that night, so lost was he in Chris's eyes and willing flesh. So intent on giving Chris pleasure, on moving right in time with his lover. Later, collapsed on top of him, flushed, sweaty cheek pressed to heaving, equally sweaty chest, Vin grew less distracted as his heartbeat slowed. The rush of blood in his ears receded and he heard the rain again. So many painful memories knock, knock, knocking, threatening to bust in and ruin everything and he pulled himself up to kiss Chris's soft, swollen lips because Chris wouldn't let them.
A faint whisper, nothing and everything more. "I love you, cowboy."
None of the usual concerns: should I say it or not? I know that he knows and isn't that enough? Isn't that the way he wants it, after all?
Chris's arms had wrapped around him tightly and he'd stayed where he was, safe in his lover's arms, for a long time. Then he slid off, head still pillowed on Chris's chest and drifted into a deep and peaceful sleep, the pain shut outside with the storm and maybe, please God let it be, gone forever.
That was the other part, perhaps even the bigger part. Vin had spent a good many days in his youth on the streets. Did desperate things to get out of the cold and out of the rain. Things Chris didn't know about but probably could have guessed, yet didn't care to. Never asked and Vin appreciated that, that Chris understood it wasn't saying anything about their relationship or the closeness they shared from even before they became lovers. Vin spent a long time learning how to keep those memories in a box with a good lock and the discipline of the Army had certainly helped. Still, he was only human after all. He could never truly shake the loneliness he felt every time it rained.
Until he met Chris.
It wasn't something that had gently slipped away unnoticed or had slowly dissipated over time. Chris was not the be-all-and-end-all and there times when Vin was sure he'd murder the man if he didn't step away from the stubborn cuss for a spell. Yet his friendship with Chris – formed in an instant when their eyes first met – had relieved the emptiness inside that was so much a part of him that it was nearly a physical jolt to his system when he felt it go. Felt immediately that he had found his other half and could stop searching, though he had never consciously done anything of the kind.
He didn't have to think about Chris back then, or choose to think or not think about him. Chris was a part of him, always there even when he wasn't. That made it all the more difficult now. The Bible says if your eye offends you, pluck it out. How do you pluck out your heart? How do you go on living when you have every good reason, except the one you want? How do you pluck that out?
Vin rolled to his side, the pillow already damp. Early morning light, gray and dull, was breaking through the clouds. Soon his alarm would go off, calling him to confront another day. Another day for the platitudes to finally kick in and actually mean something. Time heals all wounds and all that. Yet Vin's pain was as fresh today as it was that day. The day their connection was severed, that awful day when he knew for certain that he would never again hold Chris. That Chris's love, however unspoken, would never again hold the rain at bay.
He lay there unmoving, remembering the feel of Chris's hands on his body. Chris's lips, exploring, his tongue tasting and tickling. He felt his cock swell as he recalled the exquisite pain of penetration as clearly as if it were happening, Chris entering him and moving inside him. Bodies joined in sweet, sweet love so amazing they could never get enough, two souls bonded forever. Vin knowing all the while that nothing bad could touch him anymore, that Chris would be there to soothe him without fully comprehending the whys and wherefores. He would just know that Vin needed him in ways Vin himself could not begin to express and it was okay because his need for Vin was the same.
After all he'd been through, Vin wondered, how could he possibly have been so naïve?
He tried to let the memory of Chris comfort him, wanted to take solace in knowing Chris was still a part of him even though he was not beside him where he belonged. It was just too raw. Too raw and too soon.
Vin didn't touch himself, didn't relieve the tension that had built inside him. It would have been wrong, all wrong. It would have made him more lonely, if that were possible. More miserable and more alone and he didn't want to know if there was such a place. He was in hell, despaired of ever feeling whole again. But he couldn't quit. No matter what, it wasn't in him to quit though he was sorely tempted. He had to put Chris aside. As much as he needed him, Vin couldn't let Chris be with him because it hurt just too damned much. He had to push Chris away or he'd never be able to get out of bed and face another day where the possibility existed that his hurt would fade just a little bit.
The End