Disclaimer: Don’t own ‘em. Don’t know that I’d want to, ‘cause I’d have a whole lot of folks poundin’ on my door lookin’ for ‘em.

Spoilers: This is a slash style epilog, or a “what happened next” fic for Inmate 78.

Notes: I thought I’d take a stab at first person. What can I say, JIN’s my hero! Many thanks, to Marnie for the beta work and to SueN for helping me sort out the-things-that-don’t-work.

Synopsis: Vin is in turmoil after they rescue Chris from the prison at Jericho.

I could tell he was hurtin’, just the way he held himself in the saddle. When we first lit out for home, he was smilin’ and laughin’… somethin’ that we see far too little of from Chris Larabee. We all knew it was mostly from relief. All told, he spent damn near three weeks in that hell hole prison out there in Jericho. And even though he tried to hide it, it was real easy to see how much of a toll it took on him.

We rode outta that place, knowin’ that Phillips and some of the others would do their best to set things right with them men. That left us to concentrate on makin’ things right for Chris again. I just hoped we were up to it.

I hoped I was up to it.

He insisted that we keep ridin’ until he couldn’t see a thing that reminded him of Jericho. That made him push himself, the horses, and us. Finally Josiah reminded him that Nathan was hurt, and needed a break. Lookin’ at Nathan I could tell it wasn’t completely true, but it did what the preacher wanted. Chris agreed to stop.

He moved like he was on the other side of a hundred, all stiff and slow like. But he got off his horse on his own and was only limpin’ a little as he moved into the shade of this little willow tree. He didn’t have to say it with words; walkin’ off and tendin’ to his own needs without takin’ care of his horse was enough.

He was a lot worse off than we thought.

We stopped long enough to eat a trail meal of jerky and biscuits, Buck takin’ care of the coffee. When it was brewed, I took a cup of it over to where Larabee was stretched out ‘neath that tree, dozin’. He was holdin’ a chunk of jerky in one hand and a biscuit in the other, both untouched, soft snores rattlin’ up from his chest.

I nudged him, waiting until those tired, hazel-green eyes of his opened. He stared at me like he wanted to get pissy, but he just nodded and took the coffee. I sat down beside him, sipping out of my own mug. From time to time he’d look at me, like he was worried I was gonna ask him a question; want to know what had happened. I wasn’t. He’d tell me what he wanted, when he wanted, and I’d be satisfied with that.

Hell, it ain’t like we’ve ever needed words. We didn’t the first time we set eyes on each other, and it’s been like that ever since. I smiled when I could tell he finally realized that I wasn’t gonna pester him for information. Then he smiled back, and the world seemed to set right again. See, I know somethin’ the others didn’t know… won’t ever know. I know the real reason Chris disappeared.

It was because of me.

Me and Larabee, we’ve been keepin’ company as folks say. Have been for a couple of months now. It started out just a casual thing… scratchin’ an itch sort of thing. Neither one of us figure we can afford to have a family… not in the sense folks see a family. He’s afraid that what happened to Sarah and Adam will happen to anyone he gets involved with. Me, I’m not willin’ to give my last name to any woman as long as it comes with a $500.00 price tag.

But we could give one another some of the things we wanted and needed, and we didn’t have to worry about the consequences. After all, we’ve both got a lot of enemies out there; we’re both used to watchin’ our own backs. It seemed natural to start watchin’ each other’s.

More than that though, we were what each other wanted. Despite the fact that we were both men, that we’d never considered ourselves as bein’ “that way”. I wanted Chris Larabee and he wanted me, like it was destiny. I ain’t never figured out why, ain’t really questioned it. It just seemed right.

Hell, maybe that’s just my way of puttin’ it, so I don’t feel like what we’re doin’ is wrong. After all, that’s what all those good, Christian folks keep tellin’ us, ain’t it?

That ain’t neither here nor there, though. I’ll leave them big questions for all them philosophers and thinkers. Me and Chris just had one question between us… and that’s what sent him out of town.

I asked him if he loved me.

I don’t know why I did it. We were up in his room… we’d been there all night, pleasurin’ one another. Then, all of a sudden, I ruined everything. I looked at him and asked the dumbest thing I could ever ask.

“Do ya love me?”

I’d never really seen Chris Larabee scared, but he sure as hell looked like a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockin’ chairs. He kind of sputtered for a few minutes, then muttered a few words, like he wasn’t sure what I meant… that he cared about me… that he thought of me as a brother. So I asked it again.

“Do ya love me?”

Hell, I don’t know. Maybe I’m stupider than I thought I was. Sure seemed like it. For all that I could see the panic in his face; I asked the same damn thing. Reckon I must ‘a been dropped on my head a few too many times off that damn mule ‘a mine’s back. I listened to him making excuses then. It was too risky… he just wanted someone to have fun with… he didn’t want to be tied down… you name it, he brought it up. But that wasn’t good enough for me. I had to get really, really stupid.

“Chris Larabee, do you love me?”

He got mad then, said he didn’t like to be pushed, didn’t want me to make more of what we had than there was. Said he couldn’t give me what I wanted. I got mad, then, and grumbled out a few choice words in as many languages as I’ve ever used. I got up and started pullin’ on my clothes, not even carin’ if I got them on proper like. The whole time, he’s tryin’ to talk to me… tryin’ to explain himself I reckon… and I’m fussin’ back at him. Only we were doin’ the whole thing in whispers, ‘cause we couldn’t afford to have anyone listenin’ in on us.

As soon as I stomped my boots on – hard enough to knock plaster off the walls I imagine – I lit out the door like Satan himself was on my heels.

We didn’t talk to each other that whole day, just grunted to one another from time to time when we had to. The rest of the time, we kept our distance. Then that night, when we’d all gathered for dinner, he announced his intentions to all of us. He was gonna ride out for a few days; the walls were closin’ in on him… all sorts of nice little lies that the others bought. I didn’t, though. I knew exactly why he was leavin’…

Because of me.

Next mornin’ I stood there, watchin’ him comin’ out of the livery on his horse. He stopped, turned, and looked at me. My heart didn’t beat the whole time, and it felt like we just stared at each other for a century. Then he turned his back and rode out, without a word.

He’d said he’d only be gone three days. Didn’t even tell me that much, I had to hear it from the others. That really hurt, that he’d share that news with them and not me. But it didn’t matter none… I knew he was lyin’ anyway.

He wasn’t comin’ back.

When Buck started gatherin’ us together after they’d decided Larabee had been gone too long, I damn near laughed in his face. I knew we weren’t gonna find him. Hell, Larabee had probably already set himself up in some other town. Or maybe he was just driftin’, like he’d been before we got tangled up in this town.

Like we’d all been.

I almost told him there wasn’t any reason to go lookin’. Almost told him that I was about ready to ride out myself. I don’t know why I’d stayed that long, anyway. I mean, I liked things the way they’d been the last several months. I liked not havin’ to watch every move I made, liked not worryin’ about someone comin’ to collect on that reward. I had friends for the first time in years. Friends who would make sure I wasn’t in someone’s sites. I had even learned to relax and enjoy life again. That had been real nice.

But it was over now.

I don’t know why I went with them. But I did. I rode out with them; like there was a chance in hell we’d find him. I kept my mouth shut and rode beside them, listening to them tryin’ to figure out where Larabee was and what had kept him from coming back. I don’t know how many times I started to tell them. The reason Chris had ridden out was sittin’ right beside them. I didn’t though. Hardly said a thing through the days in the saddle, and slipped off into the shadows when we stopped for the night.

That was when things got really bad. There wasn’t a thing to do but lay there in my bedroll, starin’ up at the stars, wonderin’. Wonderin’ where he was, why I’d made a mess of things, how he’d react if we did by some far out chance find him. Made for miserable nights, and that made each morning even worse. By the third day, when we hit Jericho, I was wore out, just hangin’ on by my fingertips, and ready to just pack it in and ride off on my own. We hadn’t had any luck, and I just knew that all this was for nothin’.

I don’t know when that all changed, it was more of a feelin’ than anything. That ‘thing’ that had been between us since day one grew stronger. About the time we hit that piss ant town, I knew.

Chris was nearby.

When we hit that stinkhole of a prison, I was ready to tear it apart with my bare hands. I knew, without a doubt, that Larabee was in there. A little while later, when we were facin’ off with the guards, I damn near laughed when Buck hollered at me and Nathan to go find Chris. It wasn’t like I had a choice in the matter. I was gonna find Larabee.

I came runnin’ up behind that bastard, Quince, just in time to see Chris gut him like the animal he was. After Quince dropped, Larabee stepped over to where some other fella was layin’ on the ground. He said a couple of words then walked off. After a couple of steps, he spit hard on the ground, like he really wanted to spit on that fella.

Then he came up to where I was standin’. We just looked at each other for a minute. I was achin’ to just wrap my arms around him and hold onto him, but I didn’t. Lookin’ beneath the dirt, grime, bone weariness, I could see that he was about as fragile as he’s ever likely to get. I was afraid that if I hugged him, he’d just plain fall apart.

We just nodded to one another, and he shuffled off.

He wouldn’t let anyone touch him, or check him over. Just muttered that the prison doc had looked at him, then walked away with a soft, “Good to see you, boys” as he moved off into the shadows. He didn’t show back up ‘til the next mornin’ when he came out cleaned up some and dressed in his own clothes. JD had found his horse, in the prison livery, and Larabee’s black was waitin’ for him.

So he came out, talked to Phillips for a minute then climbed on his horse. When he said, “Boys, let’s get the hell outta here”, he sounded like the Chris Larabee who’d pulled us all together and made us a strong group.

That Chris Larabee had disappeared more and more as the day wore on. Now he looked bone weary and sick… sick in body and sick at heart. I don’t know when I made up my mind, but it seemed like the best thing to do. I waited until we were all together, though, before I asked it. Maybe I was just afraid of what he’d say if we were alone, but I told myself I wanted to give him the chance to decide yes or no without havin’ to face me alone. I was real surprised when I got the answer I did.

“Ya know, Chris, there’s a little shack about five miles from here. Sits near a hot spring. Maybe a couple of days there’d help ya unwind and work some ‘a the kinks out.”

He looked at me, shocked like at first, like I was gonna say something like “Let’s go off by ourselves and fuck each other’s brains out.” But then he gave a little tired smile and nodded.

“Sounds good.”

~~~~~~~oooooooOOOOOOOooooooo~~~~~~~

The others weren’t too keen on the idea, but I managed to get them to see my point. Nathan was runnin’ a fever now and needed to get back to town so he could rest and heal. Josiah was doin’ a good job of takin’ care of him, but there was still a town to protect. We’d been gone near a week and it was hard tellin’ what sort of things had happened since we’d been gone. The others would need to get back and take care of things.

That left me to tend to Chris. They could all see he was in a lot worse shape than he pretended. It was easy to see in the lines and hollows that had formed on that handsome face since we’d last seen him. He needed to heal more than his body, and they all knew he wouldn’t be able to do that in town.

Despite feelin’ poorly, Nathan made good and sure I had enough supplies to take care of whatever physical hurts Larabee was hidin’ from us. Then Buck and Ezra both set us up with no less than four bottles of liquor, one of Ezra’s looked mighty fancy, to take care of the other hurts he wasn’t able to hide as well.

If his spirit hadn’t been broken, it sure as hell was bent.

We stayed where we were for the night, and set out in the morning. I had to admit that I was worried about Nate; he wasn’t lookin’ real good. But I knew, too, that Josiah would look after him. He didn’t have quite the healin’ touch the doc did, but he was passable. And there was a special bond ‘tween them. Maybe not what me an’ Chris had, but close enough.

So we rode out, me leadin’ the way toward that shack. I hadn’t lied about it. I’d found it a few months back, it was kept up and well supplied by the travelers who used it. And that hot spring was good for what ailed you; I’d used it more’n once when I was out this way. It did wonders for my back.

I sighed as that thought brought up others. Larabee knew right off that my back vexed me most of the time. He even took to carryin’ a little bottle of liniment in his saddle bags for those times it tightened up on me. I got to where I almost looked forward to hurtin’, just so I could have one of his back rubs. Ain’t nothin’ like havin’ those hands of his pressin’, kneadin’, and rubbin’ the tightened up muscles along my back.

Shoot, I had to stop thinkin’ along those tracks, or I’d be havin’ to sew all the buttons back on my britches.

I glanced back to make sure Chris was followin’, then shook my head when I saw that he was dozin’ in the saddle. I reined my black in and waited ‘til his horse caught up to me. Then I reached out and touched his arm. He jerked, then groaned when the sudden movement hurt. I apologized and asked him if he wanted to rest, but he just shook his head and nudged his horse forward. Shakin’ my head, I moved to catch up with him, then once more took the lead.

A mile later I saw that he was damn near fallin’ off his horse. I didn’t bother to wake him; I just reined in his horse and climbed down off mine. Tyin’ him to Larabee’s saddle, I climbed up behind the sleepin’ man. He started and moved, tryin’ to see behind him.

“Take it easy, Cowboy, it’s just me.”

“Vin? What are you doing?”

“Just thought I’d make sure you don’t fall face first off yer horse is all.”

He huffed, like he wanted to argue. But somethin’ soaked in and he just settled back. I took the reins, and started us off again. Before I knew it, he was layin’ against me, driftin’ in and out and not sayin’ a thing. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. He seemed fine with the close contact, but then again, he wasn’t up to snuff. I decided to keep my mind on business, and to just let things run their course.

We reached that shack about mid-morning and, by the time we arrived, Larabee was sleepin’ sound. I hated to wake him up, but I wanted to get him inside so he could stretch out and sleep proper like.

In the end, I didn’t have to worry about it, ‘cause he roused just then. He looked around and asked if we were there. I had to smile at that, but just let him know that, yeah, we were there. I climbed off first, then made sure I was close at hand when he followed me. I reached out and grabbed him when he hit the ground, ‘cause it didn’t look like his legs were gonna hold him up. He must have had the same thought, ‘cause he reached out and took hold of me. ‘Tween the two of us, he stayed pretty close to upright. We didn’t neither one of us let go, we just held onto one another while I managed to get him to the cabin. I could feel him tremblin’, and knew that he’d run out of those reserves that had kept him on his feet so far. A couple of times he mumbled “I’m sorry”, like I thought he was doin’ it on purpose. I just shook my head and told him what a stubborn cuss he was.

He was asleep before I got him all the way laid down on the cot. Someone had left an oiled cloth over the mattress and I just left it there for the time bein’. Time enough to take it off later, for now he needed to sleep. I managed to take off his hat, his gunbelt and his boots. Everything else stayed where it was. I’d worry about that later, too.

After I got Larabee settled, I went out and took care of the horses, then set snares and managed to snag a couple of rabbits. I dressed them out and cooked them over a fire outside. I found some dried beans in the cabin, and set them cookin’.

Everything was cooked and waitin’ when Chris woke up. It took him a few minutes to figure out where he was, and a few more for him to manage to get off the cot. I steered him over to the table and sat a plate of food in front of him. I also sat one of those bottles down between us on the table.

We ate pretty much in silence, neither of us feelin’ much like talkin’. He managed to eat everything I set before him, but then he started lookin’ a bit green around the gills. I got him back to the bed and settled him in, strokin’ a damp cloth over his face to keep him from gettin’ sick. It worked and, a few minutes later, he was sleepin’ again.

That was the way it went the rest of that day and into the night. I rolled out my bedroll a bit after I’d got him back to bed after supper. I doused the lantern and stretched out near the foot of the cot where he was sleeping.

Around midnight, something woke me up. It took a few seconds for me to realize that it was him. Chris was talkin’.

“Vin… Vin… need you… Vin…”

I thought somethin’ was wrong, so I climbed outta my blankets and went to his side. It was then that I realized that he was still asleep; talkin’ in his sleep. What he said made me feel good but, at the same time, it broke my heart.

“Vin… please… need you. Help me… need you… Vin. Sorry. Sorry… I didn’t mean to leave you… Vin, please… help me… Vin… love you… love you…”

God, how often had he been callin’ for me, beggin’ me to help him? Why hadn’t I known sooner? Why hadn’t I gone lookin’ for him sooner? I should have known… should have found him a lot sooner.

Should have known.

Why didn’t I? Where the hell was all that ‘havin’ a sense of one another’ then? Why the hell did it fail me when I needed it most? Why the hell wasn’t I there for him?

Just… why?

I shoved my guilt aside; I’d deal with it later. Carefully, I reached out and touched that handsome face, set to comfort him. Then I cursed as I felt a fever there. Strokin’ my hand down his face, I whispered, “Chris?”

He blinked open his eyes, takin’ a minute to focus. “What?”

“I need the truth, Cowboy. Where’s it hurt?”

He frowned, lookin’ like maybe he wasn’t gonna answer me. Then he admitted, “Side.”

I lit the lantern again, then came back to where he was layin’. As careful as I could, I started takin’ off his jacket and his shirt, pealin’ them back and slippin’ them off without movin’ him any more than I had to. That done, I saw the dirty bandaged wrapped around his belly. Shakin’ my head, I asked, “Why didn’t you say anything, Cowboy?”

He didn’t answer, just looked at me in that way of his that told me he wasn’t gonna share that bit of information. I just shrugged it off. It didn’t really matter why; I just needed to take care of him and the wound.

Someone had stitched a place in his side, but it was all busted open. The wound was raw and red, with crap oozin’ out of it. All I could do was shake my head and wonder just how long he was gonna let it fester ‘fore he let someone know. Of course I knew the answer; probably too long. Despite the fact that he’d found something to live for nowdays, there was still a part of him that didn’t care if he lived or died. I wish I could give him something to take that away, but I doubted I ever could.

There was no way I could ever take the place of Sarah and Adam.

Not that I wanted to. The man had had about the most perfect life any one could ever wish for. He had a family; was buildin’ up a ranch; even had a good friend in Buck Wilmington. There wasn’t a way in the world I could ever hope to take the place of all that.

All I ever wanted to do was love him.

I shook my head, sendin’ those thoughts back where they belonged. I had to keep my mind on business; the only thing that mattered was makin’ him well. I helped him lift his head up off the bed, gave him some of the whiskey to deaden the pain, then laid him back down. Then I started workin’ on that wound. I cleaned it out as best I could, poured some carbolic on it, and held him down when he tried buckin’ off the bed. After that I mixed up a poultice and covered the wound with it. By that time he looked about as wrung out as I’d ever seen a man. I managed to bandage the wound, then coaxed him to sit up long enough to take that oil cloth off the mattress, since it was pretty messy now.

Layin’ him back down, I tried to make him as comfortable as I could. Coverin’ him with a blanket I started to go back to my bedroll when I felt a tug on my sleeve. Lookin’ down, I saw him lookin’ up at me with an expression I wasn’t used to seein’ and he whispered, “Please.”

I knew what he wanted; could see it in his eyes. But I had to know. “You sure?”

Again he said only, “Please.”

Nodding, I climbed over him as carefully as I could. There wasn’t a lot of room, but then we didn’t need a lot of room. He inched over a little so I could stretch out beside him. Making certain I didn’t hurt him any more than he was already hurt, I wrapped an arm over him. He sighed, rested his head against me, and went back to sleep.

~~~~~~~oooooooOOOOOOOooooooo~~~~~~~

I managed to keep him in bed the next day, convincin’ him he needed to rest so he could heal. He didn’t need a lot of convincin’, though, and I knew he was still feelin’ bad. He didn’t even fuss a lot when I propped him up a little, gave him a sponge bath and shaved him. I just told him I wanted to take care of him a little, and not to get used to it. At least that got a smile out of him.

I slept beside him again that night, holdin’ him and keepin’ the nightmares away. He slept good, only wakin’ up once, callin’ me. As soon as I made him understand that I was right there beside him, he went back to sleep. It was a good feelin’, knowin’ that I could give him that bit of comfort.

The next mornin’, he looked some better. There was color in his face and the wound on his side was clean. And he wanted to get up. I couldn’t help but reach out to help him when he went to climb outta bed. It seemed to take every bit of strength he’d gathered up to swing his legs over the side of that narrow cot and sit up. He took my arm and let me help him to his feet, hangin’ onto me like I was the only thing keepin’ him upright.

“Chris?”

Shakin’ his head like it wasn’t important, he said, “Bastard took a liking to hittin’ my legs.”

Frownin’, I asked him what he meant, and he told me that warden had beat on ‘im pretty often, and had taken a cane to the back of his legs. I’d seen the bruises on his chest and back so I had some idea of what he meant. I’d given up the idea of soakin’ in the spring, ‘cause of his wound, but maybe we could strike a happy medium.

Gatherin’ up the things I figured I’d need, I helped Chris out of the cabin and across the way, ‘til we were at the spring. There I helped him outta his clothes, seein’ for myself just how bad his legs were. The skin was tight, black and purple bruises from just below the back of his thighs to just above his calves. I hissed a few cuss words through my teeth at the sight.

Spreadin’ one of the horse blankets on the ground right beside the spring, I helped him settle in. He got his legs into the water as far as he could, a soft groan tellin’ me just how good it felt. I smiled as he began to relax, the hot water easin’ the pain in his muscles. Then I opened that little bottle of liniment he carried and poured some into the palm of my hand. Waitin’ just long enough for my hands to heat it, I started spreadin’ the liniment over his back.

Chris groaned… damn near sobbed as I started workin’ the stuff into his back. I moved from one spot to the next, kneadin’ and rubbin’ the muscle ‘neath that pale skin. I didn’t move ‘til I felt each muscle relax, then I’d start on the next one.

Neither one of us said nothin’ for a long ti me. The only sounds were the bugs lazin’ around us, the whisper of the water around Larabee’s legs, and the little moans that told me he was still enjoyin’ the attention. I didn’t stop ‘til I figured every muscle in his back was relaxed. Then I wiped my hands on my pants and settled in beside him. He leaned back on his hands, lookin’ at me with this tired, content, sad expression on his face. When he started talkin’, his voice was so low I had to listen close to hear him.

“Vin… I realized something back there in that… that hellhole. I learned that I needed to stop running from myself… from everything. I didn’t want to acknowledge what was in my heart because… well, because I couldn’t. I couldn’t admit what I was feeling; couldn’t admit that I cared that deeply.”

“’Cause I’m a man?” I watched the corner of his mouth quirk up, then a smile lit up his face. It was the smile that could melt my heart quicker’n anything.

“No. Believe it or not, I accepted that quicker than… well, quicker than the reason I couldn’t admit my feelings for you.”

I leaned back, watching him. “So why? What was the reason?”

Heaving a sigh, he said, “Partly because I didn’t want to be unfaithful. Unfaithful to Sarah, and to Adam. And I didn’t want to give my heart to anyone else. Does that make sense?”

It was my turn to smile. “Yeah,” I said softly, “it makes a lot of sense. Chris, I never wanted to try an’ take their place. I’d never think I meant as much to you as they did –“

“But you do, Pard, and that’s what scared me most. It may be in a different way, but you mean just as much to me as Sarah ever did. I… I don’t want to risk losing you.”

“So it was safer to push me away first?” I asked. I wasn’t angry, I just felt really sad. I wish now I’d never asked him that stupid question.

Shakin’ his head, he said, “That was the hardest thing of all.” Then, like he read my mind, he said, “The answer is, yes. I do love you, Vin, more than I can say. It’s just… all I can offer you is today, Pard. I can’t offer you more than that.”

I smiled and shook my head. Then I scooted over a little closer to him. Reaching out I let my hand trail along his jaw, down his neck and over his chest. Holding my hand there, I felt his heart beating. Softly, I said, “That’s all I’m askin’, Cowboy. Love me today… we’ll let tomorrow take care of itself.”

He looked at me again, eyes searching… trying to make certain that I was telling the truth. Finally, when he saw it there, he nodded. He reached out, his hand cupping behind my neck. I felt him trying to draw me toward him. Just before he kissed me, he said, “I love you today… Pard.”

The End

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