I May Hate Myself in the Morning...
But I'm Gonna Love You Tonight
Special thanks to Marnie for the beta and for making me laugh and think!
| I know it's wrong But it ain't easy movin' on So why can't two friends Remember the good times once again
I May Hate Myself In the Morning... |
He called tonight, just like I knew he would. I hadn't seen him in months, and then I was loaned out to Team 7, by his request, for an arms deal. I may not be what he wants for a partner, but I sure as hell have what he wants in a sharpshooter.
I was backup for Team 7's new sharpshooter. Don't think he was too thrilled with that. Seems Chris didn't think he was quite ready for this operation. I watched their backs and saved their asses. Just like old times. Got a few tips of their imaginary cowboy hats for my trouble. Could their new guy have handled it? Maybe. He's good. But I'm better, and Chris knows that. Don't think the new guy liked me much.
I went to the Saloon and celebrated a job well done. What a feelin' it was to be sittin' with the guys at our table. It was so easy. Just a bunch of friends laughin' and talkin' about anythin' and everythin'. Guess that's what happens when the boss ain't fuckin' the sharpshooter any more. At least, not that they knew of anyway.
The night was windin' down so I got up to leave. I said my good-byes and headed for the door. It was, I guess, what you would call bittersweet. I was, just for a brief moment, one of the Seven again. I missed them. I really didn't realize how much until I was a part of it all again.
Oh, Chris wanted me to stay on the team, but after he left me I knew it would be pure torture to see him everyday. I figured I'd save myself the torment, so I transfered to another team. I just didn't realize at the time that I was going to allow myself to burn in a much deeper hell.
I stood watchin' the guys while they drank and laughed. Yeah. It sure did feel good to be with them. Only thing was, there were still seven men sittin' at that table. A new sharpshooter sittin' where I used to be.
Truth is, I was just on the outside lookin' in. I didn't belong at that table or to that bunch of guys any more and that bothered me more than I cared to admit. I cut off that kinda thinkin' 'cause I was startin' to feel sorry for myself. What's done is done. I can't go back to Team 7 and even if I could, it would never be what it once was.
As I headed out the door I could feel someone watchin' me. Even though I knew exactly who it was, I turned around to take one last look. I focused in on that table. My eye's locked on Chris. He was lookin' me up and down and it was obvious that he liked what he saw. He finally took his eyes off my jean covered dick and he pinned me to the spot with that look.
Oh, I knew the look. I knew it well. I used to see it every night when we were together. His eyes are sparklin' and shinin.' He looks so smug with that infuriatin' sexy smirk on his face. Hell, I can almost hear him say the words that I know he's thinkin'...
I'm going to rip those clothes right off your body, Tanner. I'm going to have you naked, on your knees begging me to fuck you. I'm going to fuck that ass until you come, screaming my name.
Oh, God. Just havin' him look at me that way, knowin' what he's thinkin' is sendin' the blood right from my brain straight to my dick. My pants are gettin' way too uncomfortable now and I try to get myself under control. Aw hell...I think I may have...Oh, damn!
I look at him before I leave, and he has the biggest grin on his face. The fuckin' arrogant bastard knows what he just did to me. He gives me a two fingered salute and then he turns away joinin' the conversation at the table, leavin' me horny and hangin'.
I get home and take the coldest shower that I can stand. I kill some time tryin' to decide what I'm gonna wear. This night ain't over by a long shot, and I know it's just a matter of time before my phone's gonna ring. Sure enough, I get the call.
I put on my favorite jeans. They're thin and faded. They fit me like a glove, and they're worn out and ripped in some real interestin' places. I have to smile when I look at how I look in the mirror. Chris loves these jeans. He calls them my 'fuck me' pants. Yep. Well, that's the plan.
I head out to the ranch. It'll take me close to an hour to get there, and I know that this'll be the worst part of the night. I try and occupy my mind. I blast the radio, I even sing like a rock star. Anythin'. Anythin' not to think.
I don't want to think about why I'm doin' this or why I'm lettin' Chris do this to me. Hell, I got so much conversation goin' on in my head now that there ain't no way to not think about it.
I started doin' this dance with Chris a couple of months after he dumped my ass. He was pissed at me for transfering to another team, and me, well, I was still tryin' to figure out how to be around him, so we did our best to avoid each other down at the federal buildin'.
Guess he got over it, 'cause little by little he started to get a bit more friendly when he would see me. Nothin' earth shatterin'. Just small talk. That's when the calls first started. Out of the blue he would call, just to talk. It felt so good to talk to him that I figured maybe, just maybe, we could start to be friends again, so I welcomed the calls.
I hadn't seen or talked to him for a couple of weeks when I ran into him while he was on a date. She was a real pretty woman, and I know my pain was written all over my face. I mean, I knew we were over, but to see him with someone else, it just about killed me.
I booked it out of that restaurant as fast as I could. Went home and started to drown my sorrows in any bottle I could get my hands on. I was no where near as drunk as I planned to get when there was a knock on my door. I'll admit, I was floored when I opened the door and Chris was standin' there.
He came in and sat with me. Kept tellin' me how sorry he was that I was blind sided like that. How he never wanted to hurt me. Guess I was drunker than I thought 'cause to my horror I cried...I fuckin' cried.
Gotta say, Chris sure has a nice way of offerin' comfort, 'cause before I knew it, he had his arms around me, his mouth on me and my clothes off me. He stayed the night, and he fucked me till I couldn't move. I convinced myself that he wanted me back, that we'd get back together. Well, drunk and stupid do go hand in hand, 'cause when I woke up, he was long gone.
I'd see him every now and then when he was on a date. It was always a woman. Don't know who he was tryin' to fool, or who he was trying to make happy, but I'd always get a call on those nights. He'd ask me to come to him, and I would go.
On those nights, after his dates, he would take me so rough and hard. It was almost as if he were possessed. He had me any way he wanted me, ways I know he'd never let himself take a woman. I let him do it, too. I told myself that it was okay, 'cause he still loved me. He couldn't get what I could give him from anyone else. He just needed to see that for himself. See that what he was lookin' for was still standin' right in front of him. He'd come around. Well, that's what I told myself, anyway.
I'm still in love with Chris, and he knows it. He's taken me to this place where I can't go back, but I can't move on either. He gives me just enough of himself to keep me goin' back for more. Just enough that I let myself hope that we can get back what we once had. Just enough so that I can believe the lies that I tell myself.
Nah, this ain't about love. Least not for Chris. He's not in love with me, or so he says. But I don't think he ever imagined how much he would still want me. How much wantin' to pound into my body would consume him. Guess there's a big difference between kickin' me out of his life, and lettin' me go.
I am gettin' tired of this, though. Lately, after spendin' a night with him, I look at him, look into his eyes, searchin' for somethin'. Some sign that he feels somethin' for me, but all I get is a smile when he tells me it was fun.
That's when the truth hits me with the force of a bullet. I sit alone in his bed, feelin' and knowin' I've been used. I get this overwhelmin' pain deep inside. It hurts so bad that I can hardly move.
Chris has become just like so many of the men that haunt my nightmares. He takes what he wants from me, and leaves the rest. Leavin' me feelin' nothin' but cold, empty and used.
When did he get so selfish and cruel? And when did I get so pathetic and needy? How could I have let him reduce me to this?
This man loved me once, and I deserve better from him.
I pull up to the ranch, to this place that I once called home. Thoughts of a night of love and passion with Chris have been chased from my mind. This ends tonight.
Before I can even knock, the door opens and he's standin' there waitin' for me.
"Hello, Vin."
Like a moth to the flame, I go to him, even knowin' that I will get burned.
I don't even get a chance to say anything. I find myself pinned to the wall, while Chris' eyes take a walk all over me. He gives me a hard kiss, pushin' his tongue into my mouth and wrappin' it around mine. Keepin' me against the wall, my arms over my head, held by his hands, he smiles.
"You look good, Pard. Real good. I knew you'd come to me."
He knew I'd come. Well, that just brings to mind all the things I was thinkin' about on the way over here.
"Ya know, you're a selfish bastard, Cowboy."
He laughs at that.
"Yeah, so I've been told. And don't call me cowboy."
He's lookin' me up and down again. He licks his lips. God, those eyes are lookin' at me with such hunger. And all my resolve to end this flies right out the window.
He's slowly movin' me towards the bedroom.
"I love these pants, Vin. Ya know what I love even more than seeing you in these jeans?"
That voice, that low, sexy voice is turnin' my legs to rubber. Shakin' my head, I whisper, "No."
"Ripping them right the fuck off of you, pretty boy."
Fuck, his hands are movin' all over me, and 'fore I even know what's happenin', he's got my shirt off and my jeans unbuttoned and unzipped.
He pushes me on the bed, flat on my back.
He's lickin' his lips again. He's stradlin' my legs and his hands are slidin' up over my hips, to the waist band of my jeans.
"Lift your ass off the bed."
I do it, and he just pulls my jeans right off my body. It ain't long before I'm lying on the bed completely naked. He still has his clothes on, and damn, if there ain't some kinda unspoken message of his power over me in that. But, hell, I can't lie. It makes me feel so excited and so vulnerable at the same time. Sure as hell makes my dick come to attention.
"Beautiful. You're so fuckin' beautiful, Vin."
He's kissin' me again, kissin' me all over.
"You're mine, Vin. You know what I want. What I need. I knew you'd be here. Knew you couldn't stay away."
He's right about that. But in my heart, I know that being his boy toy just ain't enough for me anymore.
I grab his hands to stop him.
He looks at me. His brow raised up, surprised.
"One of these days, Chris, I'm not gonna come when you call."
He thinks about that for a second.
"I know," he said so softly that I barely heard him.
Was that some regret and sadness in his eyes? The look is gone before I'm really sure that I'd actually seen it.
He's all over me now. God, his hands...his hands are everywhere. He's strokin' my cock. He's kissin' and bitin' me, workin' his way down from my nipples to my dick. I'm in his mouth now, and he's workin' his fingers inside me, while he's suckin' me for all he's worth.
He's taken me to the edge. I want...I need to go over. But he stops. I look at him, and I want to fuckin' kill him. He's in control again. And he's givin' me that all knowing smirk.
"So. You staying?"
I'm so hot for him right now, that I can't think. I just can't think. I just have to have him. He knows it, and he uses that against me.
He moves off the bed.
"Get on your knees, Vin."
I do it. Just like he knew I would.
"Unzip me, and take out my cock."
I do what he says, and now...now I'm the hungry one. I go for it, I'm lickin' and suckin'. Then he stops me.
"Well. You staying?"
Suddenly, all my reasons for not stayin' here don't matter one bit to me. I don't want to leave. I'm not ready to let go of him yet. I'll take any little piece of him that I can get. I hate him for doing this to me, for using me like this. But I love him more than I could ever hate him. Fine line between love and hate. Ain't that the truth!
He's waiting for my answer. I know...I know that I'm gonna hate myself in the morning, but I'm gonna let him take whatever he wants from me, do whatever he wants to me, and I'm gonna love him with all I have tonight.The End