Thank you, Marnie, for being my beta, and for all that you do!
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rainNovember Rain
- Guns N' RosesFor as long as I can remember, I always hated the rain. I never felt a sense of rebirth, like I've heard people talk about, after a storm. Someone once told me that it was like the rain washed away all of the dirt and grime of the world and left the earth clean and new. A fresh start. It was never that way for me.
When I was a kid, I never wanted to play in the rain, I didn't want to jump in the puddles or look up to the sky and try to catch the rain drops on my tongue. I guess that's the thing to do when you're young and carefree. I mean, it's easy to let yourself get soaked in the downpour when you can just get out of the storm and go home.
Home. I never had a home. Least not one that I can remember. There were buildings I lived in from time to time, places I stayed at, until at one point in my life there wasn't even that. And when you literally live on the streets and you see those storm clouds movin' in, well, they don't bring you any feeling of joy and renewal. Nope. When you got no place to go, when there's no place to get warm and dry, all you feel is hopeless.
Nah, I never liked the rain. To this day, it still fills me with a sense of forebodin'. Sounds stupid, I guess. But, truth be told, all the rain has ever left me was cold, wet and miserable.
It's funny the things you think about when you have to face things that you just don't wanna to face. I've been sittin' here, at the edge of Chris's driveway for the past half hour, just tryin' to get the courage to go up to the house. He's expectin' me and as much as I just want to turn this jeep around and run, I know I can't. I'm a Tanner after all, and Tanner's don't run. Today, right here, right now, it's damn hard to be a Tanner.
Chris. Just the thought of him makes my whole body shiver. I love the man. Always have. Always will. And that's what makes what I know is comin' so hard for me.
We've been a couple for awhile now. I moved to the ranch as soon as we got serious with each other. Chris said that this was our place, and for awhile I believed that, but sittin' here now, I know that it just ain't so any more. Worse, Chris knows it, too.
I keep tryin' to figure out when and why things changed. I keep goin' over the past few months, every argument, every conversation or lack of conversation. I keep lookin' for that one definin' moment. That one moment in time when you know that some sort of line has been crossed. When you realize what was your life, isn't your life anymore. And I can't find it. Some things just are, and there just ain't a thing you can do about it.
I've never truly been in love before. I, for damn sure, ain't never been loved by anyone. Oh, I've been fucked, more times than I want to think about, but I wasn't loved. Not until Chris.
When I met Chris my whole world changed. I wanted him, hell, how I wanted him, but somewhere inside me I felt this need to really know him. He became my best friend, way before he ever became my lover. I was satisfied with that, but then things changed.
To my surprise, lovin' each other as friends changed to bein' in love with each other. Bein' in love led to makin' love. I was loved. I mattered to him. I can't even begin to explain how that felt to someone like me. Finally, there was someone in the world who wanted me, not just my body, but me, all of me. I knew I would love Chris forever for givin' me such a gift, I just never thought it would change or that he'd want to take back what he had given so freely.
Change. There it is. It can be a good thing, but I guess that all depends on which end of the change your standin' on. From where I'm standin' right now, it ain't gonna be nothin' but pain and heartbreak.
I walk through the front door and it hits me that this is the last time I'll be here as Chris' partner or lover. When I leave here today, I won't be who I was when I walked in. This realization is crushin' me and I fight the urge to run out of here to prevent the inevitable.
He's waitin' for me. He's sittin' by the fireplace, a shot of whiskey in his hand, a bottle on the table and the truth of the matter plain in his eyes.
He watches me, I hesitate for a second, then I walk into the room and sit on the chair across from him. He doesn't say anything. He doesn't have to.
What he isn't sayin', tells me all I need to know. He doesn't want me anymore.
I wonder how he would feel if he knew that I've known that for awhile now, that he's been tellin' me that without ever saying a word.
Does he realize that he doesn't touch me much anymore? That the only looks of want and longin' are coming from me? Does he know that his kisses are fast and fleetin'? He has to know that he won't look me in the eyes when he's with me. That makin' love has changed to fuckin'. That his body is in the bed with me, but he's somewhere else. That which once left me feeling safe, warm and content now leaves me cold. Yeah, he's told me, but I ignored it, cause I just never wanted to face...this.
He hands me a drink. I can see that he's tryin' to find a way to tell me. I keep quiet and let him get his thoughts together and I do some thinkin' of my own.
This life, lovin' another man. It's a hard road to walk on. And it can be a lonely one. It ain't easy when friends turn on you. It does something to you deep inside when your closest friends can't and won't accept who and what you are. I know how much it hurt Chris when those same friends could only find hate and blame in their hearts for me, the man he loved, for confusing him and somehow making him this way. Maybe Chris just got tired of fightin' them.
Is there someone else? Another man? Maybe a woman. Has it dawned on Chris that all the doubts and concerns that some of his friends and some of our friends have pointed out time and time again are true? Has he confused friendship with love? Was I just a way to avoid what he really wanted but was so afraid to have for fear of losin' it all again? Is the call of havin' a family too strong to ignore now? I just don't know, but I guess I'll find out soon enough.
I won't fight him. I won't beg him to change his mind, or tell him that I can't live without him. I won't guilt him into stayin' with me. And I won't hate him for not lovin' me anymore. I know you just can't feel what you don't feel. You can't love who you don't love. I love him too much to ever do that to him and I love him enough to let him go.
I just wish...I wish that he would put this off, just for a little while, and make love to me one last time the way he used to. The way he did when he loved me with an all consumin' passion. When he couldn't keep his hands or his lips off of me. I just want to feel, one last time, Chris lovin' me with all he has inside, with all his heart, like he did when he wanted me, needed me and had to have me. Like he did before it changed and being with me became a chore, somethin' he felt he had to do, but didn't really want to.
But, it's not gonna happen. He's starin' at me, and he's resolved to end this now, and I'm resigned to it endin'.
He doesn't want to hurt me. But I hurt, God, how I hurt. This is too much to bear. I wait for the storm, his words, to drown me. He starts talkin', but I'm not hearin' him. And even though I knew this was comin', I'm devastated.
He's lookin' at me, waitin' for something. I look out the window and watch the black clouds roll in over the mountains. I'm broken, so, so, broken. I can't stop the tears that start to fall.
"Vin?" His voice is so sad, so fatal.
I look at him. I try to find my voice, but I can't.
All I can do is whisper, "Feels like rain..."end