The Magnificent Sever

by Nancy W.

Author's Note: This is pure fluff, written in celebration of the birthdays of three good friends, Mady, Tracy and WendyJ (so blame them, not me, and blame Marnie for the title). Any resemblance to a serious attempt at fan fic is purely coincidental.

Larabee knew where all six of his team mates were, so if this thing went down bad, someone was watching his back.

Well, Vin was probably watching his ass, or his crotch, but, same difference.

Ezra and Josiah sat in a surveillance van not far from the Bad Guy Warehouse. You know, the one where the bad guys are always meeting.  You think they would get a clue by now, but, if they ever did, then they'd have to meet somewhere like the Parking Lot at Wal-Mart, where there were no catwalks for Vin to fall from after he was Shot. Where is the fun in that?

But, we digress.....

Josiah and Ezra were in the Surveillance Van - the one the Bad Guys never noticed, even though the entire area around the Bad Guy Warehouse was deserted (it was an abandoned warehouse, if you recall). Josiah had just finished explaining to Ezra his theory as to how the Creation of Earth was likely God's therapeutic response to Divine Post Traumatic Stress Disorder resulting from the Big Bang, which, Josiah believed, was clearly an accident. Ezra had handed him his copy of 'Crossword Puzzles for the Thesaurusly Gifted' to shut him up.

"A.... sixteen letter word for 'ledgerdermain," Josiah challenged.

Ezra rolled his eyes. "Prestidigitation." He should have purchased the Advanced version.

Josiah frowned and counted letters and spaces (because, of course, he was smart enough to spell 'prestidigitation' - they all were, except for Buck (who was smart enough, but didn't care) and Vin (who thought people who invented words that big should be drawn, quartered, eighthed and sixteenthed).

"Pyramid," Josiah read the next clue. 11 let...."

"Tetrahedron," Ezra snorted. Child's play.

Meanwhile, in yet Another Surveillance Van That No One Ever Noticed, Buck and JD were scanning the area for any signs of the approaching Bad Guys. At least, JD was, anyway. Buck was on the phone with Super Model Aurora Sunrise (whose real name was Mary Sue Butts, but, like Buck cared). Aurora had been in Denver for a photo shoot in front of the Federal Building. Buck had walked by, winked at her, and she had fallen immediately into his waiting arms. It had been easy for Buck to fall for her, since he had just ended his relationship with International Music Sensation, Britney Paris.

JD didn't eavesdrop. He was too busy with the van's state of the art surveillance equipment: infra-red sensors set to detect the body heat of approaching humans, radar and sonar detectors which scanned the sky above and the ground beneath the building, motion detectors that were sensitive enough to detect a cockroach scuttling across the floor.... which was a bit of a problem, since, JD estimated, there were 678,423 cockroaches infesting the building (an estimation which was, of course, accurate.)  The infrared detected three bodies, Chris and Nathan, who waited in the warehouse for the Bad Guys, and Vin, who was hiding up on the Catwalk Where Bad Guys Never Thought to Look. Just to pass time, JD calculated that if Vin were to fire his weapon upward at an angle of 37.4 degrees, the trajectory of the bullet would cause it to impact with the central I-beam supporting the ceiling at a speed of roughly 57.36 miles per second and cause it to ricochet off of it at an angle of 234.7 degrees where, like a well-shot billiard ball, it would come through the window of the van and take out Buck's cell phone.

As sophisticated as their surveillance equipment was, however, it ultimately was not designed to detect the '96 Ford Taurus that came crashing through the wall of the building.

It was one of those rare instances where Team Seven was caught with their pants down. Figuratively speaking, that is, since on almost any given day, you could catch at least one of them with his pants down having wild, hot, manly sex with one of the others. Oh wait, that would mean two of them would have their pants down, wouldn't it?  Unless he was getting a blow job.... Well, whatever.

The Bad Guys, Luigi, Paco, Chang, LaShaquelle, Achmed and Bubba, burst from the Taurus. Oh, alright, they didn't actually burst from it, since six guys in a Taurus is a pretty tight fit, but, you get the picture, and it's not a pretty one.

Not wanting to blow their cover, Chris and Nathan acted cool. Or rather, Nathan acted cool. Chris, as we all know, actually IS cool.

"Nice entrance," Chris commented, coolly.

"We know this is a set up!" Luigi spoke first.

Okay, so maybe they did have a Clue after all.

"So, why did you show up?" Chris glared at him.

"Because we are going to put your team out of action once and for all," Paco boasted.

Meanwhile, the five Bad Guys had encircled Chris and Nathan. Vin's heart skipped a beat when he saw Bubba move behind his lover (that would be Chris). He could easily take out the other scumbags. The fact that his rifle was bolt-action and only fired one shot at a time would not be a problem. (It would be for most people, but hey, this is Vin.) Still, that would leave Chris's firm, buff, tight and inviting ass vulnerable.

The other members of the team knew this. Buck, JD, Ezra and Josiah quietly slipped from their respective Surveillance Vans. In no time, they'd have the Bad Guys covered.

But, to everyone's horror, Bubba suddenly grabbed Chris and put a knife to his throat.

Chang nodded towards Chris and cackled maniacally, "Make one move, and your boss there is sushi."

The rest of the team froze in horror. Not because Bubba had a knife to their team leader's throat, but because of the calm, cocky, fuck-you look on Chris's face.

"Why don't I save you the trouble?" Chris said casually, and then reached up, grabbed Bubba's knife hand, and forced Bubba to draw the knife across his neck.

Bubba, gasping, backed away, looking at his blood-drenched knife in horror. "He made me do it!" was all he could think of to say.

Luigi, Paco , Achmed, and Chang were, frankly, too stunned to do or say anything, however, LaShaquelle was able to utter a heartfelt "FUCK!" as the forceful stream of blood spurting from Chris's severed carotid artery hit him right between the eyes, which caused Achmed to spew a half-digested Big Mac and fries all over the floor.

Taking advantage of the situation, Team Seven moved in. Like a synchronized ballet (a cool ballet, not one of those sissy things like Swan Lake) they dropped Chang, Luigi, Paco, and LaShaquelle in their tracks. Achmed tried to run, but slipped on his regurgitated lunch and knocked himself cold. Chris collapsed leaving Bubba exposed. The others let Bubba be - they knew this one belonged to Vin.

A split second later, the sharpshooter sent a bullet on its way to a meeting with Bubba's skull.

Except, you see, Bubba had this metal plate in his head from the time he was riding his ATV at 90 miles an hour (yeah, we know, they don't go that fast, but, this one did, so there) and hit a cow and flipped over and landed with his head embedded in a fence post.

So, what happened was, Vin's bullet ricocheted off the metal plate, bounced off the ceiling, and struck Vin in the shoulder with enough force to knock him off his perch. He fell 25 feet to the floor with a sickening splat.

"That's gotta hurt," Bubba commented, before he either collapsed or, slipped on the puddle of blood that had pooled around Chris, no one was sure which. JD, Buck and Josiah took the opportunity to rush in and handcuff the Bad Guys, all of whom were still alive only because the team hated the reams of paperwork that came with killing Bad Guys.

Ezra rushed to Vin's side, and gently caressed the silky chestnut locks of his fallen beloved (in his dreams, anyway). He could do nothing more than kneel helplessly beside the injured man.

Nathan was busy tending to Chris. From his medical bag (which had appeared from out of nowhere, sort of like Duncan MacLeod's sword) he pulled a tube of Super Glue, and his gentle, practiced hands quickly glued the severed ends of the gushing artery together before Chris bled out.

He then rushed to Vin's side. It was clear that the sharpshooter had suffered massive internal injuries, multiple fractures and a bad case of road rash from hitting the cement floor at 32 miles per second squared, but he moaned and said, "I'm fine."

Luckily, Nathan noted, there were no broken teeth. Despite the fact that Vin subsisted on a diet that was approximately 92% sugar, he had perfect teeth. Nathan could only do so much, and he wasn't a dentist.

Chris, meanwhile, had crawled to the wounded Texan's side. He stroked his lover's satiny auburn curls and said softly, "Don't you dare die on me, Vin. If you die, then we won't ever be able to..." and he completed his sentence telepathically, knowing Vin would hear his unspoken words, which Vin did, because despite the fact he was roughly two seconds from death, a small, eager smile appeared on his lips.


Vin spent a month in Intensive Care, but since it was nicer than his apartment, he didn't really mind, especially since his lover, still gaunt and pale from having slit his own throat, stayed by his side constantly, telling him how much he loved him and how he was going to boink him senseless as soon as he recovered.

Team Seven won several awards for taking out the notorious Bad Guy Gang, and lived happily ever after.

The End