3 years

by Zentry

Disclaimer: They are not mine. I don't make profit from these.

Thanks to my beta Linda, and to Angela B.

Feedback is welcome, be kind, I'm still learning English.

(To lose a loved one is hard, and to recover from this could take more than a couple of years.)

I didn't wanted to get up today.

It took all my will to go to work and face the world. But I had to quit early, JD and Vin's jokes, Ezra's chattering, even Nathan full of concerned glances were making me crazy.

Thank God my oldest friend has been too busy to notice my antics.

I can't help it because, today is your anniversary. Three years without you.

I thought the pain would never pass. I was right in a way, they were right in another. The pain will not disappear, but life did go on.

I find myself thinking not so often about you, two or three times a week, when before there was not a minute without you in my mind. What would you say, what would you do, your eyes, your smile.

Now your image is fading, and I have no way to keep it from disappearing. I don't have a picture, a memento, nothing. I gave up all of those a long time ago. Now I regret not having them.

My memory is losing you too and this is leaving a hole, deep in my heart. A hole that will never heal entirely, that not even the team, my new family, can seal.

Don't get me wrong, they have helped me a lot. When I feel like I'm drowning they keep my head above the water, just by being around.

What a strange group we make, all of us so different from each other. Yet, I got myself a little brother. He doesn't know but many times he's had to drag me to shore and save me from drowning in my self-pity. He knows what it is to be alone, too, the loss of a special one.

He is nothing like you…and too alike. Fighters, stubborn, so fearless…that make me look overprotective because I'm afraid to lose him, like I lose all I love.

I loved you.

I have told myself it wasn't mean to be, never was. Call it destiny or fate.

In my mind I know that it wasn't my fault, nevertheless I felt guilty for a couple of years. I felt responsible for what happened, guilty for not being able to keep you from harm, guilty of loving you and never saying it out loud. How could I? You chose Chris and Chris chose you.

I was glad, for both of you. Neverless I wept at the irony of discovering that your true love not just tolerated or liked your best friend, but was in love with him.

I stayed near to be sure he treated you right. Sometimes I wanted to hit him for making you worry unnecessarily. I would whack his head and made him apologize.

As incredible as it sounds, I was never really jealous of your connection with each other, a pairing made in heaven I said. You were happy, so I was happy. Until the day we lost you.

What would have happened if you were still around? I'm not sure of a lot of things in this life, but of this I am: The team, the magnificent seven, would not exist.

Was it planned then, by a higher power, that you had to die so the seven could get together?

When a priest told me that everything happens for a reason I couldn't find a good one for losing a brave, young, beautiful, loving woman and her small and innocent son.

Then, after Chris got us together and Josiah mentioned it was our destiny, I started considering it.

You couldn't be around for this to work.

If you had still been here, Chris wouldn't have accepted the job, too much danger.

He was already looking for a promotion, a desk job, knowing that he hated paperwork, politics and the social requirements that that kind of job demands. Still, he was going to do it for you and for Adam.

Something he would never do for anybody else, surely not for Mary.

He knows that, and maybe that's why he hasn't formalized his relationship with her.

I haven't made up my mind about that, Mary and Chris together. No doubt it would be good for Billy, but Mary doesn't have a chance against you. Or so I thought, until I saw them together.

Chris appears to be getting over his grief, which makes me a little resentful.

Couldn't there have been another way? I had to lose you, too?

I envied the opportunities Chris had, first to love you, then to mourn you, now to overcome his loss. Maybe the way he grieved helped. The possibility of losing himself in the feeling, to go to your grave and shout and scream, to get drunk and cry, to get angry and blame everything and everybody. While I had to bottle up all those feelings, to help him I had to restrain myself and wait until I was in control of my emotions.

Couldn't tell Chris that I hurt as much as him. That I miss you, too, that you were as necessary to me as the air I breathe, that I haven't found relief for this passion, this emotion inside me, that I want to cry and scream and get drunk and blame the entire world, because I have to live without you.

That I just wanted you to know that I loved you.

That it's been three years since you left us and I love you still.


Como quien pierde una estrella.
Te quiero,
lo digo como un lamento,
como un quejido que el viento
se lleva por donde quiera.
Te quiero, que pena haberte perdido,
como quien pierde una estrella,
que se le va al infinito.
Ah, (Ay)
Quiero que se oiga mi llanto.
Como me dolió perderte,
después de quererte tanto.
Ay, después de quererla tanto,
Diosito dame consuelo,
para sacarme de adentro esto que me está matando, (Ayayai)
Ah, (Ay)
Te quiero.

Como quien pierde una estrella
-Alejandro Fernández

Note: I also have the translation of the song if anybody is interested.