What It Takes by mcat

January 19, 2005

"What's it gonna take?"

"What's it gonna take?" I asked again, not liking the silence.

Then, realizing I'm not going to get any answer, I did the only thing I could: I left.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid!"

I don't know anymore if I'm cursing him or myself. Both, maybe. Me for trying. Him for not. How could I ever have believed that the two of us could be more than friends? How could he not see that being just friends was not enough?

It's been three days since I left him standing outside that little cabin of his. I don't have any destination in mind; just been letting the horse go where it wants. Just know that anywhere away from him is where I need to be right now. I don't think I could stand being so near to him and not be with him.

Who'd have thought? Me, some big, bad former buff hunter, former bounty hunter... I'm reduced to feeling like I'm gonna cry any minute. Hell, I have.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid."

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He asked me, "What's it gonna take?" and I don't have the slightest idea. He's got me feeling so fucked up inside. He thinks it's so damn easy to do this. Like we can just stroll on down the street. No, that's not true. He knows we can't do that. But he still thinks it's easy. That it can be easy. But it's not.

Maybe he's never loved anyone before. Maybe he's innocent enough to think that love can conquer all, like in the storybooks. Innocent. That's the last term I'd used to describe him. Oh, I know he's innocent when it comes to that bounty on his head. He's not a murderer. But he's seen his share of life. Surely he's gotta know that we just can't do this.

That I just can't do this.

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Damn horse got loose and ran off last night. I don't care. Ain't got nowhere to go, nowhere to be. Hell, I don't blame him. Been sittin' on my ass for the past day or so, just... sulking, I guess.

Why couldn't Chris understand that beyond him, I've got nothing!? I could sit here and rot and no one would notice I was gone. Especially him.

Yeah, I'm sulking. Got nothin' better to do. Just thinkin' on what I wish I had, but ain't never gonna get.

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"What's it gonna take?"

A week without him. Sure, I miss him. He was - is - my friend, after all. I'm sure once he figures things out, realizes that he's asking the impossible, he'll come back. Of course he won't forget, but he'll act it. For me.

That's what I thought, anyway. I found out what it really took, though, what he took with him, when his horse came trotting back to my corral. Alone.

That was when I realized he was right. Because that was when my heart broke.

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So here I am, wanderin' around, walkin' through the woods because my horse ran off. I ditched my saddle and hid it somewhere I'll find it again. If I find my horse again. So I've got my saddlebags and blanket across my shoulders.

I've walked around in circles, debating whether or not to take the easy route - head back to town - or the hard route - back to Chris's. Or, I could just forget about either of those options and start fresh and just walk in another direction. Shit. See how fucked up you made me, Larabee?

A week ago, before I opened my big mouth, I knew how to make a decision.

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I've been searching for him for three days now. I think I found where he might have camped one night, but then, it could have been anyone out there in the woods. I'm hoping it was Vin. Hoping that I'm on the right track to finding him. Finding him alive and well.

Why couldn't I have seen it sooner? Why does one need to face death to realize what's important in life? Granted, I knew I loved Sarah and Adam before they were taken from me. I loved them both with all I had. But I also know now that I took their lives for granted. I thought I'd have until the end of time with them. So how come, when given the chance at love again, I was blind to its offer? That it took the possibility of losing it to make me see? You'd think I'd know better. Vin did.

Something catches my eye. Over to my right, buried under some leaves and branches, I find Vin's saddle. Counting off the days in my head, how long it's been since he left, since his horse showed up, since I left, I realize that I can't be too far behind Vin, if he's still heading in one direction.

Like I have any clue as to where he'd go on foot.

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Rain. Great, just great. As if I ain't got enough problems. Gotta get wet, cold and muddy on top of downright miserable.

I think that just made up my mind. Back to town, back to my wagon it is. Then, after I get warm and dry and get some good food in my belly, I can see about gettin' another horse and startin' this whole leavin' plan again.

Should only take me about a week or so...

Damn you Larabee! This is all your fault. Had to be so goddamn... good. Right for me. Had to be so damned strong willed. Good looking. Had to be so damned closed minded, too. Wish I knew what it would take to change your mind.

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I can't believe my luck. I certainly don't deserve it. But there he is. Walking toward me. He stops about two feet in front of my horse and just looks up at me.
I don't know how to begin to tell him how sorry I am. How happy I am. How utterly scared I am. So I just reach out my hand to him, and pray.

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Of all the people to run into out here in the middle of nowhere, he's the one I needed to get away from, yet he's also the one I wanted the most.

I guess I have to face him, though. Who knows, maybe he's changed his mind. I look up into his eyes. I don't know what to say to him, but when he reaches down to me, I do the only thing I can - I grab hold with all my strength, because I'm not leaving him again.

END