Part Two
Larabee dozed, sitting upright against the barn wall. Vin was propped up against him to ease his breathing. The tracker's head lay cradled in the curve of his shoulder. He could feel when the younger man became restless that way and try to calm him before he became too agitated. Or at least that was the reason he gave himself for holding him in his arms. His head pounded and his back ached. He struggled to hold back the urge to cough that tightened his chest. Chris didn’t want to wake Vin. The Texan had gotten little enough rest so far this night. Pushing aside the pain, his thoughts wandered to the young man resting quietly for now. Questions kept chasing themselves around in his mind.
It seemed that everything in his life had been turned upside down in the last few days. For that matter, it had changed so completely, so drastically all those months ago, when he'd looked across a dusty street and met a pair of blue eyes. He'd been handling the changes until this had happened, gradually adjusting to a stubborn ornery ex-buffalo hunter's presence in his life. Now, everything was in turmoil again and another life might well be forfeit because of him and his involvement with Ella Gaines.
How had he come to this? He'd never been that easy or affectionate around other men. There had never been a lack of women in his life. God knew he and Sarah had been very loving with each other. And Adam… well, that went beyond saying. He'd loved them both and not hesitated to show them how much. Yet here he was, with this skinny Texan wrapped in his arms and it felt… right. Not like Sarah or Adam… but comfortable. There had been no hesitation or second thought about holding the tracker, soothing him, trying to ease his pain. It hadn't been a conscious decision.
What the hell was he doing? Buck was the one who was always grabbing an arm, clapping someone on the back. Hell, the man had hugged him the day he’d had Vin roust him from Blossom’s bed so they could enlist him to help the village. He’d made a half teasing, half serious comment warning the man from being too friendly in public. It wasn’t something Chris Larabee was comfortable with anymore.
When had he become so free and easy with other men? The answer was, he hadn't. Except with this blue-eyed man who had given him back his blackened soul. The one who was slowly breathing life back into him, just as he breathed into that damned harmonica of his. And he'd let him, hadn't objected or drawn back, because Vin's touch was so gentle on his tender, raw heart. A glint of mischievous blue eyes, that lop-sided smile that could make you want to smile along with him, the wry sense of humor that DID make him smile… and even laugh occasionally.
Larabee sighed heavily, fighting back the coughs threatening yet again. And now, he was responsible for all the pain his friend was suffering… would suffer… might never recover from… might die from. He turned his head slightly until he could just feel the light brush of soft curls against his lips. Again, he pressed back the urge to cough. He stubbornly refused to disturb the younger man.
Stroking his hand gently up and down the Texan's good arm in a soothing motion, he closed his eyes tightly against a sharp pain in his heart at the danger he had led Vin into. He'd had enough pain and danger in his life before they even met, but Smart Ass Larabee, with enough balls for all seven of them had led them all straight into a trap. Set by a madwoman… to catch him. The others, his friends, had been the ones to suffer. Especially Vin. It seemed he had consigned Tanner straight to hell. And now he wasn’t at all sure if the man would ever be able to return from to him.
'I'm sorry, Vin…' he thought, feeling the ache in his heart for all the man's pain deeply. 'I'm so sorry…'
He felt a movement in his arms and looked down, wondering if perhaps Vin was waking up. Or it might be one of the spells of shaking and soundless cries the Texan had been suffering from since they had found him.
"Nathan! Hurry…Now! NOW!" came the frantic shout from inside the barn.
The healer ran, Josiah right behind him. The others converged on them as they arrived in the corner of the barn that had been arranged for Vin's comfort. Nathan found Chris holding Vin's head, a terrified expression on his face. The tracker's eyes were rolled back in his head. His limbs jerked and flailed uncontrollably, back arched in painful spasm.
"Oh God," said Nathan, kneeling and efficiently slipping a smoothed stick into the young man's mouth. "I was afraid of this…"
"What is it?" asked Larabee frantically. "What's happening?"
"He's havin' a fit," said Nathan. "The fever's brought it on. Josiah, just make sure he don't hurt his legs there." The big preacher moved quickly to restrain the Texan's legs. "Buck, use that watch of yours. Keep track of the time. Tell me how long it is." Buck whipped out his pocket watch. "Just do what you're doin', Chris. Hold his head so he don't hurt himself. I'm makin' sure he don't swallow his tongue." The other two stood by, watching helplessly.
"Ohgodohgod," muttered Larabee.
It seemed like an eternity to the men who watched even though Buck informed them it had only been two minutes since he began timing it. The Texan slumped into unconsciousness. Nathan checked his heartbeat and breathing.
"Ok," he said. "Good thing we got it all ready. Josiah, since you're already there, you take his legs. Chris and I'll take his head."
"What…" said Chris, still breathing heavily from the fear that had clutched him as he saw his best friend in such a state. "What are you doing?"
"We're gonna cool him down," said Nathan. "We can't take a chance on his havin' another fit. He's too weak already. It could kill him. We got water ready in an old horse trough Buck and J.D. found." The dark man turned to the kid and the gambler. "Add the hot water from off the fire," he instructed them.
They hurried out to dump all the containers into the trough. Ezra had rolled up his sleeves and was swirling the water to mix it when they arrived carrying Vin.
"Bandages and all?" asked Josiah.
"Yep," said Nathan. "We'll put clean dry ones on him after we're done. I think we can leave his legs hangin' over the sides though. It's narrow enough."
They lowered the young man into the lukewarm water, hooking his lower legs on the outside of the galvanized tin trough. As soon as they had him partially immersed he began to fight and claw at them with his free arm and both legs, mouth opening in soundless cries.
"He's not having another one, is he?" asked Chris.
"He's so hot," said Nathan, shaking his head, "that the water is hurtin' him, but we don't have any choice. We gotta get him cooled down."
They tried to hold him still. Nathan held his head above the water, protecting his mouth and nose from the sloshing effects of his movements. Buck and Josiah were holding onto his legs, attempting to keep them on the outside of the trough. Chris sat down and began pulling his boots off. When he began to jerk his shirt off, Buck looked at him strangely.
"Whatcha' thinkin', old dog?" he asked.
"I'm getting in there with him," said Chris. "I can hold his head up better that way. And maybe he'll settle some if he knows he's not alone."
The blond stepped into the water and eased Vin back against his chest, wrapping one arm around the tracker's torso, pressing his head back onto his shoulder. His mouth was right by the young man's ear and he began to hum softly. The Texan stopped thrashing around so much and his body settled to rest between the blond's legs.
Vin's head now rested heavily on his chest. The curls on the top of his skull sparkled with drops of water thrown up by the splashing. He latched onto Chris' arm with his free hand. His body still trembled, but he wasn't fighting them anymore. The blond could feel the heat from the lean tracker burning into his crotch and his breathing sped up. Tanner's ass was nestled right against his cock. It seemed that the whole weight of that slender body was pressing down in that one spot searing it with the fever's heat. And his body was rising eagerly to meet it.
'Shit,' thought Larabee, 'what's the matter with me? He could be dying and all I can think about is how good he feels!'
Chris grit his teeth against an erection that was throbbing insistently between his legs. Hoping desperately that Vin was out of it enough not to notice his body's betrayal, he struggled to concentrate on helping his friend, not lusting after him.
The gunslinger scooped water up in his hand and drizzled it over the long brown hair, remembering how wetting his own hair cooled him on hot summer days. After only a few minutes, Vin began to shiver. Nathan seemed pleased at that, though he assured them the battle wasn't won yet. Next, the Texan turned bright red. Chris could feel the heat pouring off his head, though his body seemed cooler. He continued to drizzle water over Vin’s hair. Even when the tracker was shaking so hard his teeth chattered, the healer stood firm against all their pleas to let them take him out.
The other men stood around them, solemnly watching two of their number fight for Vin’s life. Slowly, the red faded. Larabee could finally feel the fiery heat melting away. Nathan checked Tanner’s forehead once again. He nodded his head and allowed them to lift him out of the water, though he refused to let them wrap him up or even dry him too thoroughly.
Nathan, Ezra and Josiah worked together to reapply ointment and clean bandages. Buck and J.D. kept the fire going, coffee on the boil, and brought needed supplies. Chris held Vin’s head and drizzled water between slightly parted lips. He stroked his throat above the awful rope burns to encourage him to swallow. The healer helped him roll the tracker over when a coughing spell threatened to rob him of his breath. Jackson rubbed the younger man's back in soothing circles to ease the spasm. Vin had been wheezing off and on ever since Chris had rescued him from the burning house. Now, he coughed up black-flecked phlegm. Nathan smiled in relief.
"Good," he said. "He needs to get all that smoke out of his lungs."
It took some talking to get Chris to leave the younger man, even for long enough to change his clothes and clean up a little. He returned before they expected him and took up his self-appointed post once again, lifting Vin high on his chest to ease the Texan's breathing. With a sigh, most of them moved away to their bedrolls to get what rest they could out of the remainder of the night. Larabee sat holding the younger man, his hand lightly stroking down the slender back, fighting back the coughs that kept trying to rise in his chest.
Vin opened his eyes. The light around him was dim but it still made his head hurt. His body ached and throbbed with pain. Hazy memories warred with dreams. As his eyes slowly focused and his mind cleared, he began to realize that he was in a barn and there was a steady heartbeat thumping under his ear. Gentle arms held him securely. He moved his head, trying to see who held him. Long-fingered hands began to stroke his arm and back soothingly. The tracker felt a vibration under the cheek that rested on a firm chest. He was finally able to focus on the black shirt of the person who held him so tenderly. His breath caught in his throat. He had wanted Chris to find him and take him out of that hellhole.
He couldn't sort between what was real and what was dream. The Texan had flashes of memory… of Chris cutting him down… Chris' arms enfolding him and carrying him out of the burning house. He had believed it would be the end that time… when the flames and smoke had risen up… had made what peace he could with his spirits. Tanner had fully expected never to open his eyes to this world again.
Now, he searched through confused images and visions. Chris holding him tightly, green eyes filling his field of vision. Ella laughing wildly as Chris crashed his fist into her face. Chris holding a bucket for him as he was sick. Cool lips brushing his temple. Chris holding his head above water, arms and legs wrapped around him. Chris' bare body against him while his head rested on the sculpted chest, their arms and legs tangled intimately. Chris rocking him in his arms, hands stroking his hair. A hot mouth claiming his with a kiss, sending flashes of heat and light rocketing through his body.
No, they couldn't all be real. He struggled to sort through all the feelings and impressions flooding him. Fiery agony in his body as well as the pain in his heart overwhelmed him. Hot tears stung his eyes. Vin struggled to force them back and push away from the body that felt so good enfolding him… too right for comfort. A gentle hand under his chin lifted his face. Those green eyes filled his vision again.
'Everything's all right, Vin. You're safe.'
Tanner relaxed in the strong arms, gave in to the gentle hands that eased the hurting. He had no strength to fight the feelings that shot through him. Vin clutched at the black shirt, tears sliding down his cheeks as the pain from his body and emotions see-sawed back and forth, pushing him beyond his usual stoic manner. Light fingers brushed away the tears as they fell.
'It's all right, Vin. Let it go…'
The younger man's body began to tremble as silent sobs shook him. Chris' arms tightened, holding him closer. Eyes closed again, he felt warm skin on his forehead, firm hands stroking his neck, back and shoulders.
Tanner forced his feelings back under his iron control after a short outburst. He tilted his head up slightly, seeking green eyes again, found them watching him, concern and understanding obvious in their depths. The tracker opened his mouth trying to voice some of the questions that were chasing around in his head, but long fingers covered his lips. Chris shook his head. Vin subsided, since his throat still felt raw. The blond held a cup to his lips and helped him to take a few sips. Tanner swallowed carefully but a look of pleasure crossed his face as the liquid soothed the pain.
His most immediate need met, Vin tried to sit up. Chris held him firmly. The tracker's squint didn't impress him in the least. Vin used his good hand to feel the bandages around his ribs and the splint on his arm. At least it was his left arm, he thought with gratitude. As memories came flooding back, he reached down trying to feel his legs. The pain that rocked his body was coming from everywhere. He couldn't seem to localize it, to focus on exactly where it was coming from.
Struggling against Chris' arms, he knew he had to see his legs. The blond seemed to understand and helping the younger man shift, settled him a little higher on his chest. Vin looked at the splints on both legs and closed his eyes. It hadn't been a dream. A shudder ran through him. Another followed. His body began to shake all over. The Texan had never felt so out of control and he clutched at the arms that held him. They held him securely and a gentle hand stroked his back. His mind raced at the touch but his body was evidently already familiar with the gesture. The shaking slowed and then stopped. Tanner pushed back a little and looked up into green eyes.
'C-Chris… '
'It's all right, Vin. I'm here… we're all here… '
'She…' One more long shudder wracked the slender body. 'Did she…' The grim look on Chris' face told him she was still out there somewhere.
'You're safe, Vin… she won't hurt you again.'
'You got me out…' His hand rose unerringly to the lump on Chris' head. 'You're hurt… '
The blond jerked. Green eyes narrowed and grew cool. Vin swallowed.
Chris felt the light touch on the tender spot and reflexively pulled away. Those huge blue eyes were looking up at him, trust blazing in their depths. He tore his gaze away, uneasiness quivering in his gut. The blond couldn’t understand all the feelings that had been roiling around in him during the long hours of holding the tracker. They were so unsettling that he didn't know how to act around his best friend anymore. Is that what Vin still was, his best friend? Or had that changed too? When he finally got the shaking in his belly somewhat under control and looked back down at the younger man, his eyes were closed. Chris could tell by the tempo of his breathing as well as the tenseness in the thin frame that the Texan wasn't really sleeping.
'All right, Larabee,' he admonished himself, 'get yourself under control. He's been to Hell and back… but he trusts you to make it right again. And you're acting like some lovestruck fool… ' Chris gasped involuntarily and immediately felt the body in his arms jerk in response and begin to tremble.
"Shitshitshit!" muttered the blond as his own thoughts betrayed him.
'Control, Larabee, control,' he told himself firmly. 'He needs a friend right now… and you're not going to let him down.' Chris began to hum softly again as he forced himself to relax. He stroked the hair back from Vin’s face as he had so often in the last hours.
Vin felt his heart sink at the look in Chris' eyes when he touched him. When the gunslinger looked away nervously, he had closed his eyes, feigning sleep. Tanner was afraid he'd let too much show in his face. How badly he needed the man's touch now to calm the fears that kept gnawing at him, struggling to surface. The desperate longing he'd felt to see those green eyes again as he hung helpless for those long hours. The accusations Ella had made when she held him captive haunted him. What did he feel for Chris? What was the connection that had existed between them since their eyes met across the street?
The vision of their bare bodies entwined rose before him and he tensed against the wave of emotion it aroused. Tanner felt Chris inhale sharply and he began to shake again. How would he ever manage to look the man in the eye again when such erotic images rose unwillingly to his mind? He had never imagined such things about another man. Why now? Why Chris?
The lean muscular body he leaned against relaxed. He could feel a vibration in the strong chest and a hand rose to caress his hair. Tears rose in his throat but he ruthlessly suppressed them. For now, he would keep his feelings under control… hide them. Later, perhaps there would be the time and place to take them out, examine them and regain his former perspective. Vin let go for the moment and let sleep claim his aching body again, safe and secure in Chris' arms.
~~<M7*M7>~~
The next time Vin woke, he was more alert and aware of his surroundings. Nathan grinned as the tracker made his displeasure at not having any clothes on clear despite the fact that he still seemed unable to make any sounds with his abused throat. Fortunately, Josiah had anticipated Vin's annoyance and painstakingly picked out the side seams of the extra pair of his own trousers so they would fit over the splints. He and Chris eased the young man into what they could of the scavenged clothing and Tanner seemed somewhat satisfied with the results. Josiah had no doubt that if the Texan had been capable of it the air would have been blistered with his opinion on what he was being forced to tolerate as far as preserving his dignity was concerned. He'd never seen anyone so intensely private as Vin.
Tanner lay back, exhausted by the simple process of allowing himself to be dressed. He'd been unable to help except in the most minor of ways and the invasion of his privacy still stung. The tracker could still feel the hot flush of embarrassment on his face. He shuddered to think of what they'd found when they cleaned him up. Tears swelled in his eyes, and he firmly pushed that thought away. He wasn't strong enough to even think about that right now. There was something else that kept trying to intrude on his thoughts. Why was it that Chris' voice was so clear yet all the others were muffled rumblings. He'd heard nothing but strange distorted sounds since partway through his extended torture at Ella's hands. Until his friend's voice had sounded clearly, soothing him and easing the pain in his heart. His mind couldn't quite seem to wrap around an answer for that one, and he was so weary right now. More tired and weak than he even wanted to admit to himself.
After they had the tracker settled as comfortably as possible once again, Nathan and Josiah finally persuaded Chris to take a break. They assured the gunslinger they would not leave Vin's side. He had stiffly eased himself up from the ground, finally admitting that he did need to move around a bit.
"Buck's got a plate waiting for you at the fire," said Josiah.
Chris nodded and moved towards the door of the barn. Both men watched him go. At the door, he turned back to check on the Texan one more time before actually stepping outside. Vin was still awake but shifting somewhat uneasily as if trying to find a position that didn't hurt. He seemed alert and nodded slightly to Larabee as if to encourage him to go also.
Once Chris was gone, Nathan set his plan into motion. He needed to either confirm or deny his suspicions. Once he had done that, if it were as serious as he feared, he would think about how to break the news to Chris and the others. He turned away from the tracker and spoke to Josiah.
"Josiah," he instructed in an almost inaudible whisper, "go over there out of his sight. Don't move too sudden, but when I tell you, yell his name loud as you can."
The older man looked a bit puzzled but complied. Nathan watched Vin closely. His eyes were focused on the door of the barn, seeming deep in thought. The preacher's eyes widened, his face clouded with concern as he appeared to understand what Jackson was doing. The healer turned back to the young man.
"Vin," Nathan said softly, "Vin…." The Texan's eyes never wavered from his constant watching of the barn door the man in black had walked through a short while ago. Nathan sighed. "Ok, Josiah."
The preacher yelled Vin's name. The younger man never blinked or moved. Josiah then turned his back and clapped his hands loudly several times. Still no signs of recognition. Sanchez returned to sit down by Nathan.
"His hearing?" he asked the healer, "Or are you thinking it's his mind?"
"Right now, I'm just thinking hearin'," said Nathan, sadly. "But I'm keepin' watch for other stuff too. Maybe… maybe it's not permanent."
"Shall I talk to Chris and the others?" asked Josiah.
"Not yet," said Nathan, shaking his head. "Chris' got enough to deal with right now. And we don't know anything for sure yet. Unless he asks…" Brown eyes came up to meet Josiah's. "You think that's wrong?"
The preacher shook his head, laying a reassuring hand on the younger man's shoulder.
"I think you're right. No need to go making things any worse than they already are. He might realize it himself soon. Until then, let's just do whatever needs to be done to take care of Vin and give his body some time to heal."
"If…" sighed Nathan.
"That's not for today, Nathan," said Josiah. "If is a long way down the road yet. Now is the time for hope…"
The healer nodded and moved over to see if he could persuade Vin to take a little more broth. The Texan managed to swallow almost a full cup of the rich meaty mixture although the last couple of mouthfuls he was struggling to keep his eyes open. Josiah smiled at him and helped the young man ease back down, tucking the blanket around him again. Vin nodded his thanks at the preacher and within moments his breathing deepened as he slipped into sleep. Nathan sat for a long while watching his patient, fearing for his future.
~~<M7*M7>~~
Vin sat astride Peso, riding with the wind blowing sweetly in his face. In the distance, he saw a spot on the horizon and turned his mount towards it, curious to see what it was. A movement against the sky drew his attention. He shaded his eyes with his hand and focused on it. It was an eagle, a large one, and it was slowly circling over his head. The tracker watched it for a long minute then moved on to the building in the distance that pulled at him.
As he closed the distance, Tanner saw it was a simple homestead with a corral and windmill nearby. Feeling drawn towards the house, he dismounted from Peso and approached the front. He saw a familiar form through the window and peeked in. Chris sat at a table, a young boy on his lap. He was obviously happy as he tickled the child at the same time he laughed and flirted with the beautiful woman who stood nearby. She leaned in to snatch a kiss and Vin saw a side of the gunslinger never revealed to him. His face was bright and carefree. He was smiling and laughing. The light colored clothes he wore accented his blond good looks. Tears rose to his eyes. This must have been how Chris had looked before the tragedy that struck his family.
Tanner watched the blond avidly through the window, storing the expressions on his face in his memory to take out and pore over later. As he watched the interplay between his friend and his family, something only Buck had seen before, green eyes met his. Vin didn't know whether to stay or run, but recognition lit the lean gunslinger's face and he immediately rose from the table, putting the little boy down on the floor. The door opened and Chris emerged, striding across the porch to clasp the tracker in a warm embrace. From inside the house, Vin heard the voices of Larabee's family.
"Daddy, don't leave us. Where are you going?"
And a softer soprano.
"Chris… Chris… come back, please. I need you… we need you."
Tanner tore himself from Chris' arms in horror. He couldn't come between this man and the ones he loved. He'd never meant to do that… never meant for that to happen. Vin turned and ran, racing for Peso, still standing nearby. Chris called out to him, begging him to stop. The tracker threw himself on his horse and spurred him to a full gallop, racing away from the welcoming house, away from the warmth of his best friend's touch. There was a burning in his chest and he felt as though his heart had been torn out of his body. Left lying there in the dirt beside the gunslinger that still yelled at him to come back.
His breath whistled loudly in his ears as he urged Peso on to even greater speed, trying to get far enough away that he would no longer hear Chris' voice. But no matter how far he fled, he could still hear him beckoning, calling him to return.
The scene changed. He hung suspended in a room that was all too familiar. Mocking voices assaulted his ears, calling him foul names, making lewd suggestions. They came at him from every direction, one minute sounding very far away, the next right in his ear. He twisted in his bonds, trying to get a glimpse of the men, but they eluded him, staying just out of his sight. A soft sob broke from him in terror. If he could only see them, keep track of where they were. Then he would be prepared… ready when they touched him, grabbed him… raped him again. He could handle the beatings without giving them what they wanted, without begging them to stop, but the repeated assaults. If they didn't slip up on him, he could brace himself. It was when they came out of the darkness that he felt ready to break. He fought not to give them the satisfaction of knowing that. He had lived remembering he was a Tanner… and he would do so till the end.
'You like it, don't you, pretty boy?'
'Want some more, don’t ya?'
'If'n ya wanna be that kinda shirtwaist mebbe we oughta cut ya back a bit up in front. Then ya could wear skirts. With that long hair and them big blue eyes ya might even get Larabee's attention in a skirt. For a night anyways… as a whore.'
'What'sa matter with you, ain't we good enough for ya?'
'Nah, he's wantin' Larabee ta do this to 'im.'
'Ain't that right, Tanner? You're thinkin' about him takin' ya like this.'
'You wantin' to turn him into the same kinda thing you are? Ain't good for nothing but fuckin' and whippin'. 'S that what ya wanna make him? ‘Course, then we could have some fun like this with him.'
'Well, he ain't here… guess ya'll have to settle for us…'
‘Hey, Bear, look see… he wants more. Let’s give ‘im what he wants.’
Crude laughter, then the voices faded to the muffled sounds that were the only things he'd heard for days. Vin shook his head but pain lanced through his throat and down into his chest.
"No", he tried to croak out past his lacerated throat. "Not Chris… nooo…"
His heart pounded in his throat, the pain shattering him. Vin's eyes opened and he focused on the darkened barn around him. Blue eyes latched on the dimmed lantern nearby. Tanner concentrated on breathing, trying to deal with the pain that was buffeting his body as well as his soul. Terror still shook him from the fading memories of the nightmare. He knew… had known for a long time now, that he would do anything to protect Chris, would give his life for him. The tracker had never thought he would be protecting him from himself. There was movement around him. He tried to wiggle away, not wanting the hands that touched him. Vin knew they weren't Chris'. How he knew, he didn't dare ask, he simply knew.
The Texan realized dimly that they were trying to help him, calm him. He must have been thrashing in his sleep, but he didn't deserve their help. Ella had been right all along. They said sometimes crazy people could see things clearer than everyone else. What he wanted from Chris wasn’t right, could never be. If they all knew what he thought, what he felt, they wouldn't help him, wouldn't want to touch him.
Well, he would watch out for them. He wouldn't allow them to dirty their hands on his kind. Vin knew he had to find a way out of here… away from these men, away from his friends. His chest ached at the thought, but it had to be done. Trying to swallow past the pain in his throat, he thought that he never should have joined them, let them surround him with their friendship and warmth. They would have been better off if he’d kept to the mountains and the plains away from other people.
Hadn't people always told him he wasn't fit to be around decent folk? Now he realized just how right they'd been. At the time, it had hurt. He'd railed against it, believing it to be unjust but now they'd all been proven right. His best friend, the man who had seen straight into his soul, taken him at his word and met him on equal ground. He was aching to feel his arms around him again, dreaming of his lips and his hands touching him, stroking him. Vin shook his head, not caring that it caused fresh stabs of pain.
He couldn't think about those things, couldn't long for them. It was wrong… all wrong. He was wrong, not worthy of these men's tender consideration. Most of all, he didn't deserve Chris' friendship. He'd betrayed the man with his thoughts, his desires. Allowing his touch, his warmth to ease him when it was offered innocently. The gunslinger didn't know how Tanner now felt every touch and wished it a caress, took in every look and hoped for an invitation. He acknowledged it all now.
When had it changed? Had it been that way at the beginning? Time blurred and ran together. His head throbbed, trying to sort through it all, to find where he had gone wrong, when he had begun to ache for more than just the friendship freely offered.
Chris would never know. He vowed it as a Tanner. It was up to him to set things straight, to take himself away where his fate couldn't affect Larabee. Vin knew his fate all too well now… to die… alone… unsought for… uncared for. It was more than he deserved for the treachery and ‘perversion’ he'd brought into the midst of their group. Vin tried to curl up into a ball. With his one good arm he batted and pushed them all away.
“Chris,” said Buck, turning to see that the man had come striding back into the barn at the sound of them all pleading with Vin to let them help him.
Moving forward, Chris grasped the thin shoulder, turning it gently so he could look into the tracker’s face. The younger man's eyes opened wide and Larabee looked deep into brilliant blue. The dark clad man gasped at what he saw there. He lurched to his feet, turned on his heel and left the barn.
Buck started after him, but Josiah laid a hand on his arm and shook his head. The big gunman nodded and turned back, dropping to his haunches by the Texan. Vin had returned to his fetal position.
Josiah strode out the doors looking around for the blond. The heavy smell of smoke from the burned house still hung in the air. Ashes lay in drifts against the walls of the barn. He found Chris by the corral, hands wrapped tightly around the rails, forehead pressed to a plank.
“Brother,” the big preacher said softly, as he reached out to grasp the gunslinger’s shoulder. “What was it? What did you see?”
A spasmodic shudder ran through the frame of the man in black, an exact copy of the ones that had shaken Vin since they rescued him. The blond fought to hold back the cough that rose in his throat but a small strangled one escaped. The older man's eyes narrowed. Chris raised his head to look into the preacher’s eyes. Josiah saw both fear and despair there as well as unshed tears.
“He wants to die, Josiah,” the man said in a husky voice, clogged with pain. “I saw it in his eyes. I-I know… that look.”
Josiah simply nodded.
“Reckon you do at that,” he rumbled softly. Josiah looked up to the blue sky above slowly darkening into night, not a cloud in sight. Such a beautiful day, such pain and suffering. “Reckon you’re the one to change his mind, too,” said the preacher.
“But s-should I?” asked Chris. “Doesn’t he have that right? We don’t even know what all that crazy bitch did to him.”
“I suppose he does…but I think we have just as much right to try and convince him that there’s reasons to stay. Six of ‘em. We can’t see anything but the physical evidence of what…” Josiah couldn’t even bring himself to say her name, “that woman did to him. There’s no telling what she did to his head. You know better than any of us how she can mess with that.” Josiah gave the man’s arm a little shake to persuade him to look him in the eye.
“We need him, Chris, as much as we need you. The two of you are what holds all of us together. The two of you hold each other together. Without either one of you… we’re all lost.” The big man gave a heavy sigh. “You’re his main reason to keep on livin’,” he said. “I don’t believe that boy has had much to keep him goin’ all these years but he did it… kept his zest for livin’… kept his balance. Whatever she did to him…it’s broken that spirit. You’re the only one who can give him that back… the only one who can get inside his head and heal whatever she did. It’s up to you, Brother.”
Chris pursed his lips, thinking over what the preacher had said. Then he nodded and strode off into the barn.
The blond approached the corner Vin had dragged his body slowly and painfully into. Passing Buck who stood watch on the young man, he nodded tersely. The gunman withdrew quietly. Larabee knelt by the curled up body and laid a gentle hand on his arm. Vin jumped and began to thrash around trying to beat him off. Chris was having none of it. He grabbed the square-jawed chin and forced his face around, but the blue eyes were squeezed tightly shut. The leader gathered the emaciated body up in his arms, allowing the flailing limbs to batter at him.
“Easy, pard, easy,” he said softly, trying to reach through the barriers Vin had thrown up against all of them, hoping somehow he could sense that it was his friend that held him like this. He stroked tumbled curls back from the pale face with a tender hand, holding him close to his chest. Chris continued to croon to the distraught young man.
“Shhh, now, it’s me…it’s Chris. Nothing to be afraid of…” When the deep blue eyes remained shut, he stroked his thumb across Vin’s cheekbone. The tracker went still, breathing in short, sharp gasps. “Come on, Vin,” he said. “Open them eyes and look at me. Need you to look me in the eye… so I can tell you know what I’m tryin’ to tell ya.”
Seeing the dry lips were cracked and bleeding again, the blond reached for the tin of salve they had been using. Gathering some on his index finger, he rubbed it on Vin’s lips. That did it. Blue eyes popped open.
Vin looked up to green ones gazing at him. His heart jumped. It really had been Chris' finger on his face and lips, not just his imagination as when Ella held him captive. He gulped as he looked into the blond's face. Chris wouldn't do that any more if he knew what he had been thinking… what kept going through his mind now. He was that kind, just like Ella had said. And he was dragging Chris into this. That couldn't happen. He wouldn't allow it. He'd hoped to get away from them all somehow, but he couldn't wait that long, couldn't trust himself not to respond to Chris. The look of shock in those green eyes would destroy his soul. He had to get out of here now. So he did the only thing he could.
One more time he looked at the gunslinger's face above him, taking in every detail. Though that face lived in his memory, still he studied it, wanting to add to the store of pictures in his head. Chris smiling. Chris glaring at him. Chris laughing. Chris revenge-bent. He saw the sculpted lips moving and realized the blond was talking to him earnestly. As always since the pain inflicted by that madwoman, he heard only muffled, incomprehensible noises and soft rumblings. He realized that if he focused on Chris he could ‘know’ what he was saying. But what good would that do him now? Just the same as he would give his own life to prevent anyone else from hurting the man in black, he would prevent himself from doing any more damage to the other half of his soul.
Chris looked into the deep blue eyes and saw the troubled thoughts there. If only he could reach him. The blond spoke quietly yet with great intensity to the young man in his arms, hoping Vin could understand what he was saying. He had seemed to instinctively know what Chris was saying to him the last few days even through all the haze of pain and confusion. But now, he appeared to be banging his head against a brick wall. The sapphire eyes showed no sign of comprehension. Chris grew even more agitated, speaking louder as if that could break through the wall of silence that surrounded the young tracker.
He couldn't let the younger man go now. Not when he was just beginning to understand how much of a loss that would be. He would keep his feelings under control, wouldn't frighten the Texan with his desires, if only he could continue to have him there every day by his side… at his back. Chris jerked slightly at that picture. It sprang into his head complete with all the feelings it aroused. Vin curled tightly against his back in sleep, keeping the cold and loneliness at bay. That wasn't what he'd meant… or was it? He took a slow, deep breath and pushed the image away.
Larabee looked down at the body he held tightly in his arms. The older man could feel Tanner's spirit slipping away from him. The thin form lay limply, but his heart was leaving, moving off into the distance. Chris shook him slightly, trying to stop him, bring him back. He knew without a doubt now that he wanted to look into those blue eyes, hear that raspy voice, laugh at his twisted sense of humor. He'd even give anything to hear the tracker call him cowboy in that low, seductive drawl.
"You can't do this, pard," he said. "We need you. Hell, I need you. Don't leave us. You've got to hang on, fight your way through this. I know you can do it. You've been fighting all your life… and you were alone then. Now, you've got all of us fighting with you. But you've got to help us here. You've got to try!" The blue eyes grew more distant. They locked on his once again but it was obvious that the spirit of the tracker was no longer there. Chris saw what the Texan was doing, sensed it with his heart. "Vin! NO!" he shouted. "Don't you dare leave me, you scrawny-assed Texan. You can't leave! I'll follow you to Hell and drag your sorry ass back here! Do you hear me!! VIN! VIN!"
The green eyes faded from Vin's vision. Darkness rose up around him and he welcomed it, threw himself into it. It would be a long journey into the dark. He would never see the light again, never see those green eyes sparkling, looking into his with the soul of the man in black laid out there for the tracker to read like he did his trails. At least he had the picture of those eyes to take with him into the cold black void that swallowed him up.
Chris watched in horror as Vin's eyes flickered and closed. He felt a wrenching in his chest as though half of him was being ripped away. The body in his arms went limp. Tanner's hand that had been clutching Chris' shirt just as it had so often the last days, released its hold and dropped lifelessly to the straw.
"NNNOOOO!" screamed Chris, drawing him up tighter in his arms. "VIIINN!" He rocked the younger man's body against his chest as sobs tore through him.
"NO!" exclaimed Buck Wilmington, "OH, God…No!" He moved forward but Nathan was ahead of him. The healer tried to talk to their leader, to persuade him to allow access to the young man but Chris was oblivious to his words.
"Buck, Josiah," ordered Nathan. "Pull him loose. I gotta see and he won't even let me touch him."
With dread in their hearts, they did as he requested. Chris fought them like a madman, screaming obscenities at them. Nathan bent over the body of the Texan, checking him over quickly. J.D. stood by, eyes wide, swallowing convulsively, stark fear on his face as he witnessed his friends trying to subdue their leader. Ezra seemed frozen in place, terrified of what he would find if he moved any closer.
"He's still alive, Chris," said Nathan, with a sigh of relief. There was no answer. The blond stood within the hold of the two men, eyes hooded and glittering with rage, guilt and grief. "Do you hear me, Chris?" said the healer again. "I said he's still alive!"
The gunslinger jerked his arms free from his friends’ hold, turned on his heel and stalked out of the barn. Buck started after him but once again the preacher held him back and followed their leader out into the night that had fallen over them.
He found him in the same place as before, leaning against the corral fence. This time he was slowly and systematically banging his head on the board.
"Chris! Chris!" said Josiah, alarmed at the man's self-destructive bent. He grabbed his shoulders and turned the blond around to face him. "Did you hear Nathan?" he asked, looking into dazed green eyes. "Vin's not dead. He's just unconscious. He's not gone. There's still a chance…"
Chris' eyes rose to meet his. The utter hopelessness there scared Josiah more than any rage or vengefulness he had ever seen in the man's face.
"It's too late," said Chris in a dead tone. "It's too late…"
"But he's still alive…"
The gunslinger shook his head, his expression flat and dead.
"I-I felt…" He gulped. "He's not there anymore…"
"Oh, God!" gasped Josiah.
He gathered the blond into his large arms and held him to his chest. There were no more sobs but irregular shudders swept Chris' body in waves. The very fact that he would allow him to hold him this way made Josiah realize just how devastated their leader was. He would never have allowed the embrace otherwise.
Chris tore out of Josiah's arms. Turning, he walked back to the barn like a man on a mission. For a moment, Josiah dared to hope, but when he caught up to him and saw the stark pain in his face, those hopes died. Chris walked straight through the others, not seeing them or caring that they tried to reach out to him with their words of concern. He knelt by Vin and once again gathered the tracker up into his arms. Settling himself against the wall, he cradled the young man's head on his shoulder, stroking brown curls back from the slack face. The gunslinger's face seemed set in stone.
The others stood around them, the picture of utter grief carved indelibly on their minds eye.
"What is it, Josiah?" J.D. asked the big man. "Doesn't he understand that Vin's still alive?"
"His body's still alive, son," said the preacher. "But Chris sensed something none of the rest of us can begin to understand." He looked around at the others. "I think he felt his spirit go."
Buck's head dropped to his chest. His thoughts churned. He had seen Chris through the death of his family. Helped him bury the charred bodies, tried to bring him back from the brink he had teetered on. But Larabee's scarred soul had been lifeless until the day Chris and Vin had rousted him from a warm bed. He'd seen a spark in the green eyes for the first time since they had ridden up to the smoking remains of Chris' house. Buck had watched gratefully as that spark flared, flickered and finally became a steady flame. His friend was back. Darker than before, more feral, temper uncertain, his anger still a force to be reckoned with, but back from the dead. Now, all life was gone again, nothing stirred in the green eyes. What worried Buck more was that Chris wasn't just teetering this time. He seemed a man determined. Bound on what course, his friend was not sure just yet. He had a feeling it wasn't a good one.
The men settled to a long vigil. Chris held Vin in his arms, not speaking, not responding to their approaches. He allowed Nathan to tend the tracker, but never relinquished his hold on the young man. They tried to persuade Chris to eat. He ignored their offers, then their pleas. His friends tried to get him to drink. Again they were stonewalled. He sat holding Vin, occasionally stroking the Texan's hair or looking into his face as if seeking to set it in his mind's eye. When they attempted to force him to drink again, they were met with a cocked gun.
"Damn," muttered Buck, "knew we shoulda got that away from him right away."
"Too late now, brother," murmured Josiah.
"If Vin doesn't make it," said Nathan softly, "I figure he's not gonna be too far behind him."
"Can't you talk to him, Buck?" asked J.D., obviously distressed at the thought of losing not one but two of his friends.
"He ain't listenin' to anyone anymore," said the big gunman, shaking his head. "Always was the most stubborn cuss I ever met."
"It would appear," said Ezra softly, "that he has set his course and will gainsay none who would attempt to deter him from it."
Buck went over and leaned against the wall, sliding down it until he sat on the floor. He stared at the blond cradling Vin in his arms for a long time. Finally, he dropped his head into his hands. After a few minutes, he heard a rustle and felt a warm body so close he could almost feel the skin through the cloth. A well-manicured hand appeared on his arm.
"I should have realized as well," said Ezra softly.
"No," said Buck, "I knew. I saw how he was before. You didn't know how bad it was."
"Worse than when we met?" asked Ezra in an astonished tone. He shuddered theatrically. "Forgive me, Mr. Wilmington, but I cannot but be grateful that I missed out on that spectacular vision."
He heard a small chuckle from Buck and smiled at the sound. They sat there together quietly for a while, arms touching, neither feeling the need for words.
"I have a strategy," said Ezra at last.
"Yeah," said Buck, his lips curving in a smile.
"For spiriting his weapon out of his reach…" The gambler's eyes glinted in the dim light.
"I'm in," said Buck and they bent their heads together, making plans.
Josiah and Nathan moved to the door of the barn. Dark clouds had gathered overhead. The bright sunny day had given way to a stormy night and the smell of rain in the air. A flash of lightning lit the sky throwing everything into stark relief. The crash of thunder that followed it seemed the signal for the rain. It poured from the skies in big, heavy drops. Hissing and sizzling sounds came from the still smoldering embers of the house. Clouds of steam rose into the sky. Soon, it was raining so hard they could barely see rails of the corral just across the way.
“At least we won’t have to worry anymore about watching the house,” said Josiah, nodding towards the ruin. “That should put it out completely.”
Nathan just nodded. Josiah glanced back into the barn. J.D. was keeping an eye on the fire pit they had created out of a tin washtub, some dirt from the barnyard and some rocks. It was placed inside the doors of the barn out of the way of the rain, yet where any smoke from it would be drawn outside. The fire outside in the barnyard had been swamped almost immediately when the rain began.
“What are we gonna do… if…” said the healer, looking out into the driving rain.
“We’ll face that when… if it happens,” replied Josiah. “In the meantime, we can still hope it never becomes necessary.”
“I don’t know, Josiah. Chris has gone off the deep end before. I’m just not sure what’ll happen…” Jackson trailed off again.
“It’s as if the heavens are weeping brother,” said the preacher, looking out into the driving rain.
“Yes. I hope it’s not a bad sign.”
“Me, too, my friend,” said Josiah, placing a hand on the other man’s shoulder and gripping tightly. The rain drummed heavily on the roof above them.
~~<M7*M7>~~
Vin was cold. It was dark. He was alone. His heart felt torn and broken. He wanted to weep but couldn't. Pain assaulted him from all sides and from within. He continued on, wandering in the darkness. Memories of anguished green eyes kept him moving on deeper into the blackness. The ache in his heart grew until he thought it would tear him apart from the inside. Still he stumbled on. Then he felt something warm on his face. Wet and warm. It ran down his face and onto his chest, soaking in over his heart to melt the coldness there. His pain eased. Slowly, he turned, drawn like a magnet to the source of the heat. There was a faint light in that direction. His mind told him he shouldn't go that way, that his course was deeper into the pitch black coldness, but his soul was drawn towards the glow in the distance. More drops fell on his face. He moved closer to the green glow.
He recognized it now. It was the green of Chris' eyes. Pain clenched around his heart that had only just begun to warm from the bitter cold. His friend was hurting and needed him. Vin moved faster now, feeling the pull of his best friend, the man who had stolen into his heart with just a glance. Casting a long look back over his shoulder towards the chill darkness, he thought of the journey he'd planned. But if Larabee needed him. Vin looked towards the light. There was no choice. Not really. His heart told him he had to go towards Chris, had to be there for him, no matter what the cost to himself. Tanner sighed deeply. He would just have to find a way to hide his feelings. Nothing could tear him from Chris as long as he wanted and needed him. Once he was no longer needed… well, he could always set out on that journey into the dark again.
Slowly, he eased his eyes open. There was a dim flickering glow from a lamp nearby which had been turned low for the night. It cast the face above him into deep relief. A face he knew as well as his own. Another hot drop struck his cheek and he focused blue eyes on green. They were tears. The warmth that had sunk into his heart and drawn him here was Chris' tears. The blond gunslinger was bent over him, eyes mostly closed as silent sobs shook him. This was what had pulled him here. His friend was hurt. Vin thought back to the darkness he'd sought. He shouldn't stay, ought to go away. Why was it now? Oh, yes. To protect Chris… from himself. But he couldn't go, not when Larabee was in pain. Not while he might still need him. He hung suspended for a moment, still torn between the two choices. But he couldn't really leave, not till he did what he could to ease the pain. He reached out with his hand, laying it on the heaving chest.
*What's wrong, cowboy?*
The green eyes opened wide and looked down into his.
/Vin?/
*I'm here, pard. What's wrong?*
/I-I thought you'd left me…/
*You'd be better off if I did.*
/NO, NO. Vin, don't go… I… I can't lose… anyone else./ More hot tears dropped on his face. /Please… d-don't leave me…/
A slender hand reached up to wipe the tears that were still forming even as he felt his own eyes fill.
*If ya want me here, cowboy… I'll stay…*
Chris' finger stroked his cheek.
/Please… stay…/
Vin's cockeyed smile appeared.
*All ya had to do was ask…*
The blond found a chuckle rising in his chest. The tracker's expression grew more solemn.
*As long as ya need me, Chris… I'll be there for ya…*
/Would always be too long to ask, pard?/
Tanner's eyes widened again and his breath hitched in his chest. Chris watched as he gulped, seeming shocked at his request. Then the warm body relaxed as though the younger man had made a decision.
*Sounds… nice.*
The tracker's eyes grew heavy and he snuggled in even closer to the warm chest, his arm dropping down to curve around the lean hips. Oh, it felt so good. So good to give in… to let it all go and stay where he was. Larabee needed him… wanted him. He wouldn't let himself think just yet about how he needed him or how he would manage to keep his feelings hidden. He was a Tanner. He'd find a way… a way to be near, to be there for his friend and not endanger him with his "perverted feelings." But right now, he just wanted to feel the warmth of Chris' body, listen to his heartbeat thumping under his ear… and dream.
Vin slipped into an easy sleep. Chris wrapped both arms around the thin body. Feeling the head settle comfortably at the junction of his neck and shoulder, he allowed his eyes to close.
His tracker wasn't going anywhere. He'd promised. The gunslinger felt the change in the body against him, the relaxed acceptance. Something important had happened, but his exhausted mind couldn't latch on to it right now. The blond let sleep claim him for now. He would wrestle with it, and his tracker, later. That thought brought a smile to his face and he slid down into dreams of doing just that, their bare bodies sliding sensuously against each other.
~~<M7*M7>~~
Nathan opened his eyes to sunlight streaming down outside the open doors of the barn. The rain had stopped in the night. He leapt to his feet, wondering how he could have slept so long. The first thing he saw was Buck sitting on an upturned crate, his eyes on the two still forms in the corner. The dark man's heart began to pound until he saw the small smile on the big gunman's face. He was close enough now to see Chris and Vin clearly. The younger man was curled in Larabee's arms, head nestled against the gunslinger's neck, his breathing deep and even. He heard a soft sound behind him and turned to find Josiah standing at his back, grinning widely. Over to the side, J.D. and Ezra stood together, smiling as well.
"I'm not sure what happened, brother," said the preacher softly, "but we've got both of 'em with us and doin' a lot better."
"I don't care what it was," said Nathan, eyeing the two men sleeping peacefully, arms around each other. "So long as they're here… we got a fightin' chance again."
The healer looked over at the two younger men. There was a shadow in J.D.'s eyes as he looked at their leader and his best friend. Ezra's eyes were shuttered as usual. Josiah followed his gaze.
"Amen, brother," he said.