Holding On to the Wind

by Dreamer

Summary: Mary POV on the episode Obsession. A missing scene of sorts.

Warnings: Angst.

Author's Notes: Just a big thank you for all the feedback for my other stories. It is what keeps me writing.

Mary looked up from her work and saw Chris Larabee sitting on the boardwalk across from her building. She couldn't shake the feeling of sadness and loss when she looked at him.

She knew how he planned to stay with that Ella person when she hired him and the others to help her out. She felt bad for him that she turned out to be the one who hired the man to kill his wife and child. If she couldn’t have him she wanted him to be happy.

Mary and Chris had been flirting since he came to town almost two years ago. She had thought something was growing between them besides sexual attraction. She couldn’t have been more wrong.

She loved to see him with her son. Chris seemed to enjoy taking Billy fishing and other such outings. He would even have dinner with them once a week or so. It made her think how nice it would be if they were a real family.

That all changed a week before he went off with Ella. Chris had come to dinner as usual but Billy was staying over with the Potters to watch one of their cats give birth. He was going to leave but she invited him to stay.

They had ate together and had a pleasant if not slightly awkward conversation. Afterward Chris helped clean up before he left for his patrol. He thanked her and seemed to be reluctant to let go of her hand before turning to go.

A few hours later Mary was startled to find Chris had sneaked into her bedroom and was sitting beside her on the bed. Mary started to sit up but he leaned in and kissed her.

She could taste the whiskey on his breath. She knew she should push him away but it was hard to fight what you wanted most in this world. To be loved by a man as no one but Chris Larabee could.

"I need you," words softly whispered in her ear and she was lost. She gave herself to him.

That night had been one of the best she ever had. She loved her husband dearly but Mr. Larabee made her feel things she had never felt before. Without a doubt he was the greatest lover she had ever been with. Ok that made him number two but still no less amazing.

Mary had felt so loved and cherished. She felt like Chris had been trying to worship every inch of her body. Falling asleep in his arms afterward made her feel like she was in heaven. It hadn't prepared her for the shock of waking up alone in the morning.

She had almost thought it was a dream except for the marks on her body and the lingering scent that was unique to Chris. A mixture of tobacco, whiskey and strength.

At first she had thought he wished to spare her reputation should he be seen leaving her place. Mary was excited to see him thinking that finally they would be together. She soon found out just how wrong she was. He not only left her bed but the town as well.

When he returned he could not even spare her a moment. He was to wrapped up in that Ella person to care about her. She had tried to have a word with him but he brushed her off and left town with Ella.

He couldn’t take his eyes off her long enough to spare Mary a glance. A sick feeling settled in the pit of her stomach telling her that she had made a huge mistake.

She had thought he would be gone only for a few days but she soon found out how little she meant to him. He had no place in his life for her. All he wanted was a whore and she would not be that for him. She loved him but the price was too high.

Just thinking about it caused ache in her thighs. She stole another look at the man who caused so many emotions to come over her. She wanted to scream. How could he make love to her and then just leave. Did she not mean anything to him?

She knew she loved him for a long time. Maybe even from the first day she saw him. He came to mean so much to her especially after he saved Billy on many occasions. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you get a happy ending.

It had been two months since Mr. Larabee returned suffering from a bullet wound and a lot of pain and anguish. She wanted to help but it was clear he doesn't want it from her. Besides he chose Ella not Mary.

The gunslinger seemed like his usual moody self. He acted the same, even continued to take Billy on outings. He no longer came to dinner. She wasn’t sure she wanted him to. She didn’t want to pretend like everything was fine. It wasn’t.

Her heart ached so badly she didn’t know what to do. It was the absence of any hope that hurt the most. No. It was getting to have a taste of what could have been only to have it snatched away. Yes. That was what hurt most.

Some days she wished she never got that taste, others she was grateful. What was that quote It is better to have loved and lost then never love at all’. She wasn’t sure if that was true. Especially waiting three weeks to find out if a child would result from his visit.

She wasn’t sure if she was happy or sad that it had not. On one hand she was glad that she did not have to have that conversation with him but a secret part of her wanted to have his baby. The part of her broken heart that still loved him.

She finished her work and glanced at the man in black. He was staring at the window. She quickly looked down not sure if he could see her. She didn't want to show him the pain she felt. Did he feel the loss too?

Hope is a fickle thing. It came and went with no warning. She would hold on to it tight just to have it slip away. She could do the same with Chris but it would be like trying to hold on to the wind.

Mary knew it was no use. She had to put it behind her and move on. If Chris wanted to pretend like nothing ever happened then she would make it easy for him. She simply had no choice but to give up.