Three days later Buck walked into the livery like a man on his way to the hangman's noose. After his outburst in the saloon, he had been avoiding Ezra, and Buck had the tiniest feeling that the reason he had been able to avoid Ezra so easily was because the gambler had been going out of his way to keep away from Buck. It cemented the notion in the scoundrel's mind that Ezra had overheard him and JD talking that fateful night in the clinic. Ezra was obviously disgusted by thoughts of them being intimate that way and was giving Buck room to get over his feelings. The only trouble was Buck didn't think he could get over Ezra in only three days. He didn't think he would be able to get over Ezra if he tried the rest of his days.After getting his horse ready, Buck decided the "gentlemanly" thing to do would be to get Chaucer ready, and he braced his shoulders for the fight the loyal horse would give him. Surprisingly, the horse patiently stood his ground while Buck saddled him, and Buck hoped that this would be a good sign of things to come.
"Surely I'm not that late, Mr. Wilmington?"
Buck turned around, smiling. "Nah, Ez, I'm just that early. I wasn't expecting you for at least another ten minutes." Buck paused to clear his throat. "I thought if I got Chaucer ready for ya, it might be a start to making amends."
Ezra tilted his head slightly to the left. “May I ask what you think you’re making amends for?”
“Well, when Chris said that I would be paired up with you for your first patrol back since you got shot, I kinda acted like you had the plague or something, and I should'na done that. I was just surprised Chris chose me. I'm not the most responsible person, and I figured that Nathan or Josiah would have made more sense to team up with you. So, we friends again”
Ezra wrinkled his brow. "You're not irresponsible at all, Mr. Wilmington. Admittedly, I would think twice about leaving my seventeen-year-old daughter with you, but when push comes to shove, I would rather have you by my side protecting my back than any of the others." Ezra clammed up quickly and looked down at his feet, blushing, before looking back up at Buck with a rueful grin on his face. "Please forgive my actions before. I fear I may have spoken too freely, and would hate for you to feel uncomfortable. But, yes, we are still friends."
Buck tried not to stare at Ezra as a warm feeling spread through his stomach. Perhaps he had been wrong about Ezra avoiding him, and to hear that Ezra held such a high regard for him made Buck feel ten feet tall.
"Well then, Ez, how about we get going on this patrol - the sooner we get started the sooner we get back."
Ezra snorted in the most ungentlemanly fashion Buck had ever heard. "There's no need to rush. It's not like I need to be back for a profitable poker game, or even a friendly drink or two with our acquaintances. Nathan still has me on that ridiculous 'three W's' rule."
"I thought it was only for three days."
"So did I, but as I was so eager to leave the clinic, I never considered all the angles or how crafty Nathan can be when he needs to be. He had loopholes in place that even a child of seven could see if they were looking. I wasn't looking, and now I must pay the piper.
"Nathan still hasn't cleared me for a more active role, and until he does, I am unable to enjoy a quiet whiskey, cigar, and a hand of poker. In fact, I was thinking if you were agreeable, then perhaps we could stay out near Chris' shack tonight? There is nothing for me in town at the moment, and unless you have made an appointment with one of the ladies in town, I thought it might be a nice change of scenery."
Buck tried to quell the rising panic he felt. He could think of nothing he would rather do than stay out under the stars with the smoky smell from the campfire and Ezra sleeping by his side, but he could still remember how JD said he was talking in his sleep. What if he said something about Ezra? What if Ezra heard? The rational side of Buck reminded him that Ezra slept like the dead, and if he hadn't heard anything the other night, then he wouldn't be asking Buck if he wanted to camp out.
"Nah, Ez, I had nuthin' planned. We just gotta clear it with Chris and Nathan first, though."
"Done. In fact, it was Nathan's idea. I think he realized I was close to gnawing off my arm just for something to do. I asked Chris last night if we could use his cabin, if need be, and he was agreeable as well. I took the liberty of getting JD to pack a bag for you, and I also got extra rations from Mrs. Potter before I arrived this morning. All we need to do now is leave."
"You've thought of everything. Well, then, what are we waiting for? Let's pluck this chicken."
Buck eased himself into his saddle. He directed his horse to move outside and stopped when he realized that Ezra was still standing next to Chaucer's stall.
"Are ya coming or aren't'cha, Ez?"
"I'm sorry, Buck. I'm just in awe of your grasp of the English language. 'Let's pluck this chicken?' I thought we would be patrolling for the criminal element, not Sunday dinner."
"It's just a saying, Ez. My momma used to say it all the time; it just means let's get on with it."
"Your mother sounds like a very interesting lady."
"Well, Ez, if you're a good boy, maybe one day I'll tell ya all about her. Now are we going or aren't we?"
"Indeed we are, Mr. Wilmington. The chicken is ready to pluck. Or, as my daddy would have said, 'Tally Ho.'"
Buck grinned and let out a quick laugh. "I didn't know your pa was English."
"Well, Buck, there's a lot about me you don't know, and if you're a good boy, I'll tell you all about him and about me. Now, are we going or are we destined to spend the rest of the day in town?"
For the next few hours, Buck and Ezra shared less than a dozen words, but Buck found himself comfortable being with the silent gambler. Nothing about Ezra's manner gave Buck a reason to reconsider the idea that he may have overheard the conversation, and as more time passed, Buck grew less and less concerned and started to enjoy the landscape and the company.
"I have a theory."
Buck turned to look at Ezra and could see the grin that was on his face.
"Well, what is this grand theory, or are ya going to keep it to yourself?"
"It's to do with our illustrious leader and Mr. Tanner."
"Ez, it's just you and me out here. You don't have to be so polite. In fact, I dare you to call them and me by our first names the entire time we're out here."
"Let's make it interesting. If I do, what do I win?"
"I will do your patrols for the next week."
"According to Nathan and Chris, you're already doing my patrols next week. Please, Buck, make it worth it."
"Okay, how about this? Loser has to wear JD's hat for an hour down the main street. I can't think of anything worse than that."
Ezra tilted his head, thinking, and finally answered. "I can. Loser has to wear Vin's jacket for an hour. Anyway, do you want to hear my theory or not?"
"Fine. What's this theory that's got you all fired up?"
Ezra reined his horse to a stop. "Before I tell you, let me take my jacket off first. The weather is unseasonably warm today." Ezra struggled with getting his jacket off without worrying his side, before finally managing to get his arms out of the sleeves and draping it across his saddle. "As I was saying, I have a theory on the secret, silent conversations they have when we're all in the room."
"This should be good. So, what's the theory? Separated at birth?"
"Nothing like that. It's quite simple, really. They meet up at night and plan elaborate hand signals. Then, when we all get together, they baffle us by their seemingly mystical connection. It's quite a plan, made all the more clever by its simplicity.”
Buck shook his head. "That's the biggest load of hooey I've heard all week. How much time did you spend thinking on it?"
"You're just jealous you didn't think of it."
They traveled another mile without saying a word, then Ezra turned to Buck again.
"Would you mind if we stopped for a few moments and we rest?"
"Not at all. Your side hurting?"
"It aches a bit, but not enough to render me helpless."
As they got off their horses and walked over to some nearby trees, Buck considered Ezra's words. "You must be sick of having us help you all the time."
Ezra sighed and waited until they had loosely tied the horses to some branches before sitting down under their shade. “I wouldn't say that. I am used to taking care of myself, and sometimes the others can be cloying. They mean well, and it is nice to have an excuse to sleep in." Ezra paused before continuing. "Do we have time for a quick nap? I will deny it to everyone who asks, but the ride has been harder on my person than I anticipated."
"Sure, Ez. We've got no place we have to be. I wouldn't mind relaxing here myself."
They both bundled their jackets under their heads, and let the day continue without them.
An hour later, Buck woke up feeling more refreshed than he had in weeks. No dreams had followed him on this trip, and he half wondered if it was because his dream was sleeping next to him. He turned to see if Ezra was ready to continue their way to Chris' shack when the blood froze in his veins.
Ezra and Chaucer were missing. The only sign that they had been there was Ezra's jacket, which had been draped across Buck's saddle, and Ezra's shirt, which was laying spread out next to Buck with a note tucked into the front pocket.
Buck pulled the note out and started to read.
// Buck - Couldn't sleep, and since the river is close by, decided to take Chaucer down for a drink and to have a quick wash. When you're ready, come down. I'll be waiting. E. //
Buck gathered up Ezra's shirt and moved the jacket to a more secure position before grabbing the reins and leading his horse the few hundred metres to the riverbank. What he saw there stopped him in his tracks.
There was Ezra, leaning against a tree near the cool, running water, wearing nothing but his trousers and hat. His ankles were crossed, hands loosely sitting on his gun belt, and the hat and the direction he was facing kept his expression from Buck's eyes. The sight was unsettlingly familiar, yet unfamiliar at the same time. It was the start of his dream.
+ + + + + + +
After the shock of seeing the dream Ezra in the flesh, a dozen thoughts flashed through Buck's mind, the main ones being that his dream had failed to include a thousand details. Like how Ezra's boots were slightly scuffed, or the way the shadows that the leaves made played across his stomach, or the slight way Ezra arched his neck to feel the sun.
The other, more frightening thought that finally filtered its way past the vision before his eyes was that he was in for a mess of trouble. Did Ezra know about the dream? Did JD tell Ezra some of the details, and Ezra was preparing to teach him a lesson? Did Ezra have the loaded derringer hidden upon his person, ready to shoot him and leave him for dead? Or was it one of those times where life just decides to thumb its nose at you for fun? Either way it went, Buck decided he had better make his presence known before Ezra realized he was standing there gawking at him like a starving cow.
"Ezra? Aren't ya a mite cold there, pard?"
Ezra turned slightly towards him, and his eyes flicked over Buck before going back to gazing at the flowing river.
"Not at all, Buck. In fact, I was thinking of divesting myself of the rest of my clothes and taking a refreshing turn in the water. Can't you feel how hot it is, Buck? Don't you at least want to take your jacket off?"
Buck swallowed hard, and thought back on his dream. The words coming out of Ezra's mouth were almost the same, and Buck couldn't find his footing.
"Nah, Ez, I'm fine as is. Don't let me stop you, though."
Ezra pushed himself away from the tree and started to walk towards Buck. "Please, Buck. You honestly expect me to believe that on a day as fine as this, you don't want to divest yourself of all clothing and have some fun? There's no one around but you, me, and the horses, so unless you've suddenly become shy, there's no reason why we can't both be down to the bare minimum - or less - and make the most of it." Ezra paused and looked at Buck with a devilish smile on his face, gold tooth glinting. "You're not chicken are you, Buck? Scared to be shown up by my finer masculine form?"
Without much thought on the matter, Buck played up his normal happy-go-lucky personality, hiding his feelings on finding Ezra half-naked. Buck straightened himself to his full height and gave a quick wiggle of his shoulders. "Ezra, I've seen what you've got, and you've got nothing on me. To throw your words back at'cha, buddy, 'prepare to be amazed.'"
Buck had five of his shirt buttons undone before he realized that he had been conned into taking his clothes off, and that if he wasn't careful, being in such a state of undress could prove rather embarrassing for himself. He turned his back on Ezra, who at the time was unbuckling his gun belt. Buck decided to take his time getting undressed; hopefully by the time he was finished, Ezra would already be in the water.
For once Buck's luck held, for as he started on the final button of his trousers, he heard Ezra beginning to move in the water. "How's the water, pard?"
"It's a bit cool, but nothing my side can't handle. Are you coming in, or are you going to stand around for the rest of the day?"
Buck swallowed and pulled his red underwear down, stepping out of them before turning around, walking as quickly as he dared to the water. He yelped at the coldness that lay beneath the surface of sun-warmed water. As he got further away from the bank, he heard Ezra let out a long, slow, soft whistle.
"When I mentioned us getting down to less than the bare essentials, Buck, I was kidding. There's no need to freeze any important body parts off. Although I must admit you were right. I have nothing on you."
Ezra moved to the shallow part of the river, and Buck could see that Ezra had gone swimming in his underwear. The cotton clung to his hips, moving with every slight play of muscle as it covered him, yet with enough transparency that left nothing to the imagination.
"What can I say, Ez? If you've got it…"
"…Freeze it? Didn't your mother tell you what cold water does to a person? Don't come complaining to me when the women aren't impressed."
Buck ignored the rest of Ezra's speech, just content to float in the cold water with his eyes closed, letting the words wash over him, filling his senses completely with Ezra. With the water being colder than Ezra had let on, Buck was confident nothing untoward would give his feelings away, and he took the opportunity to completely relax in the gambler's company. One thought danced in his mind, though, no matter how much he tried not to think on it. Ezra had looked at him getting into the water. More importantly, Ezra was impressed with what he saw. Or was he just funning with him? What did it all mean in the long run? Buck had spent too long trying to work out how the wily cardsharp's mind worked, and decided to just let the short break from town be nothing more than what it was - two good friends enjoying each other's company.
The next fifteen minutes were spent quietly, with both men making the most of the pond, Buck floating and Ezra sitting on the bank, his feet swirling the water.
"If you're quite refreshed, would you like a quick bite to eat? I do believe Mrs. Potter has packed a delightful respite for us. I don't know about you, but I could do with a meal."
Buck righted himself, keeping his balance with his arms until his feet found purchase on the riverbed.
"Now that you mention it, I am hungry. Do you know what she packed for us?"
Ezra slowly got up and started to move over to where the horses and saddlebags were waiting for them under the copse of trees.
"Wait, Ez, your side. I'll go get 'em." Without a second thought, Buck strode from the water, trying not to pay attention to the rivulets that worked their way down from his shoulders. He could feel the change in temperature as the droplets slowly followed the lines of his chest, caressing him the way he wanted Ezra to. He lengthened his stride to reach his trousers before he did anything to embarrass himself. He shook one leg and then the other to quickly dry himself. After he had put them on and did the first three buttons up, he grabbed Ezra's saddlebag and went back to where Ezra was reclining on the bank.
"So what treasures have you got hidden in here, Ez? This weighs a ton. Poor Chauc' must have a permanent bow in his back."
Ezra grinned, his gold tooth catching the midday sun. "Mrs. Potter merely realizes that we are two growing boys. We need sustenance to get through the day; otherwise, we would fade away. And who am I to refuse the lady anything if she wants to spoil us with culinary delights?"
"Fair enough," chuckled Buck. "So stop talking and start unpacking. I'm so hungry I could eat fence."
Buck threw the saddlebag to Ezra, and the gambler delved into the bag, pulling out fresh bread, some chicken, and a bottle of seven-year-old scotch.
"This should suffice for starters. The rest we can leave until later. I'm afraid, though, she didn't pack any glasses. As much as it pains me to treat it such, we will have to drink directly from the bottle."
Buck grinned. "You're not frightened you'll catch cooties off me, are ya, Ez?"
Ezra chuckled. "Your 'cooties,' as such, are the least of my worries. A fine bottle of scotch deserves to be treated better. It should be sipped out of fine crystal, letting the body of it play lightly on the tongue, instead of being swilled from the bottle. I'm just glad William isn't here to see this."
Wrinkling his forehead, Buck tried to place the name, but he couldn't recall ever hearing Ezra mention someone by that name before. "Is this Will fella a friend of yours or something?"
A wry smile floated, before leaving for one that was more common on the gambler's face. "Or something. He was a good… companion… to me many years ago. He taught me all the things my mother didn't. Like the importance of keeping up appearances and playing your cards close to your vest. I often wonder what has happened to him in the years since, and wish I had kept in touch with him."
Unsure how to respond to this glimpse into Ezra's past, Buck let the silence tell Ezra he appreciated the insight.
Ezra cleared his throat. "Well, enough about me. Would you care for some chicken? Knowing Mrs. Potter, it will be cooked to perfection."
True to Ezra's word, Buck found the chicken up to Mrs. Potter's superb standard, and by the smell and taste, the bread had been baked that very morning. Not another word was spoken until there was nothing but a few crumbs and only the chicken frame remaining.
"So are we gonna drink this scotch, or just let it sit there?"
Ezra handed Buck the bottle, and the gunslinger closed his eyes in appreciation as the sharp taste tingled his tongue, before slowly swallowing his first mouthful. Opening his eyes, he caught Ezra gazing at him speculatively, as if he were weighing up something. But once Ezra noticed Buck had finished taking a drink, a twinkle came to his eyes, and a bright smile that wound itself around Buck's heart and had Buck forgetting anything he was thinking in the thirty seconds before.
"A beautiful drop of alcohol, is it not, Buck?"
Buck nodded and started to hand the bottle over to the gambler, but stopped when Ezra put his hand up, shaking his head. "The blasted '3 W's rule,' remember? If Nathan were to find out that I had imbibed, my life would not be worth a penny."
"Aw hell, Ez, there's only you and me around, and I'm not gonna say anything to him. Besides, I can't drink all this on my own, unless…" Buck put his best leer on his face, and wondered if he would be struck down at any moment. "…you were hoping to get me soused and have your wicked way with me."
Ezra snorted, producing a salacious look of his own, making Buck very glad he had had the foresight to put his trousers back on. "Please, Buck, if I wanted to have my way - wicked or not - with anyone, I wouldn't need to rely on the affects of alcohol to persuade them to join in. We've had this conversation before, remember?"
Buck frowned and cast his eyes upwards, trying to remember when they had discussed Ezra's seduction techniques. "When did we have this talk, Ez? I'm sure I'd remember us talking 'bout something like this."
Ezra gave a big sigh. "Oh, how quickly you forget when you are proven wrong. Remember when we, and JD, were coming back from dropping that prisoner off, and we were trying to convince him to stop buying that poor girl frog giggers and to move onto something more?"
Buck pretended to have to think for a minute, pretended that he hadn't thought about that night and what Ezra had done with his tongue every night since they had gotten back from the trip. "Oh, yeah! Did JD ever end up getting you to teach him how to do that trick with the cherry?"
With an eyebrow raised, Ezra replied. "That is not a 'trick,' as you've so quaintly put it. It's a skill that took months to perfect. It is a guaranteed way to win the heart of anyone." Ezra paused, regarding Buck with a speculative eye. "If I didn't know better, I would say that the only reason you think of my seduction skills as merely a 'trick' is because you're jealous that I have an edge over you now in the romantic arena."
"That's hooey, Ez. Anyone with half a brain would be able to do that cherry thing. If we had some here now, I'd prove to ya that I could do it with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back."
"Well, well, well. It just so happens, Bucklin, that I…" Ezra put a hand into his saddlebag and started rummaging around before pulling out a jar with a triumphant gleam in his eye. "…had received a few jars earlier in the week from Mrs. Potter, and I brought one with me. Care to put your mouth to the test?"
"Why not? Although it will be a right shame to embarrass ya proving how easy it is. I'm just sorry JD ain't here to see anyone can do it."
"JD learned how to do this two weeks ago, Buck. It took him an entire jar of candied cherries, but he eventually got the talent under his belt. So, if it took him that many, I'm sure you - being the undisputed Casanova of our fair town - could do it in only three cherries?"
Ezra carefully unsealed the lid of the glass jar and tilted it towards Buck. He gingerly picked up the tiny sugared fruit and popped it into his mouth. He bit down on the cherry, the juice bursting onto his tongue, the sweetness of it flooding his mouth. He gulped greedily, enjoying the taste so much that he had swallowed the pit before he remembered he needed to tie the stem around it.
"Damn!" He spat the stem into his hand. "I've swallowed the cherry seed, Ez. Can I get another turn?"
Ezra shook his head. "Uh-uh. You should have been more careful. Try tying the stem without the added pressure of the cherry pit. Or, are you realizing the folly of this and wish to back out before you are proven to be not as talented as myself and JD?"
"Buck Wilmington never gives up! I'll try it with just the stem. Here goes nothing."
He placed the stem on his tongue and scrunched up his face, trying to get ahold of the stem with his tongue, but it was too small and fragile. Before he knew what had happened, he had somehow broken it in two.
"Dammit, Ez! You've given me a faulty cherry. How am I supposed to do this if you give me an untieable cherry?!"
"Don't blame the fruit for your lack of skill, Buck. You've got two more tries. Here, this time put the end of the stem between your front teeth."
Buck picked another cherry from the jar, and after he had eaten the flesh of the fruit and spat out the pit, he maneuvered the very end of the stem to the front of his mouth. After trying without success for a couple of minutes, the cherry stem broke.
Spitting the broken stem parts into his hand, Buck wryly looked at Ezra. "This is a bit harder than I thought it would be. Any pointers?"
Ezra picked two cherries out of the jar. "Here. It's easier the first time to do it with your eyes closed. It's easier to picture tying it in your mouth if you aren't looking at anything else. Pull the cherry off the stem. I find it easier to tie it if the stem hasn't been sitting in my mouth while I've been eating the fruit. When you've done that, hold the 'tree end' of the stem instead of the end that was in the fruit. The tree end is larger and a little sturdier than the other. Now try it."
Buck gently pulled the cherry away from the stem, and gave it to Ezra to eat. He closed his eyes, and with the larger of the two ends resting between his teeth, he started to twirl his tongue around, catching the stem with the movement and managing to work it around itself. He couldn't work out, however, how to tighten the knot, and he pushed the stem out of the way to tell Ezra that.
"It's hard to complete the knot the first time without help. Perhaps you would care for some assistance?"
"Sure, Ez. I've almost got it, but a little help couldn't hurt."
"Close your eyes again, and I'll help you with this last turn in the knot."
Buck closed his eyes and moved the stem back to its position between his teeth, waiting for Ezra to start explaining how to finish the knot. He heard Ezra move closer and could feel his breath on his cheek.
"Are you ready, Buck?"
Buck nodded, and before he could realize what was happening, Ezra placed a hand behind his head and pulled him forward for a bruising kiss. Ezra's tongue found its way into Buck's mouth, and Buck was so shocked, so excited, so amazed by this turn of events that he thought nothing of letting Ezra gain access. Their tongues danced around each other, and Buck's hands moved around to Ezra's back, holding him and massaging the muscles he could feel. He kissed Ezra with everything he had, knowing that the moment the kiss ended, nothing would ever be the same again, so he made the most of what he could get.
After a few moments, Ezra pulled away with the knotted cherry stem between his teeth.
Ezra looked into Buck's eyes sadly, and held the knot out to Buck.
"I'm sorry, Buck, I should not have done that."
Weakly, Buck laughed. "Nothing to apologize for, pard. You were just showing me how it's done. I can see why the ladies would like it. I think I'd better get me a jar of-"
"Buck, please. I should not have taken advantage of your trust. There's something I should have told you, something you should have known before we did that."
Buck's stomach started to sink. "What should I know, Ez?"
"I know, Buck. I know everything. You're in love with me."
+ + + + + + +
Ice raced through Buck's veins towards the pit of his stomach and, for a moment, he thought he would be violently ill. The gentle look on Ezra's face, the green eyes full of either compassion or pity, was focused completely on Buck, and that frightened him more than words could ever say.
Buck sat there returning that gaze without moving, fearing to even breathe. Even though his lungs were burning, Buck knew that to breathe meant the moment had passed, that life would continue and he would have to decide if Ezra had said that to either give him an opening to a relationship or a warning about trying to do anything. Too much rode on this, and if Ezra was only pointing out to Buck that he knew but that nothing else could come of it, the humiliation alone would drive Buck out of town.
The right side of the gambler's mouth creased into a wry smile, and without thinking, Buck sucked air deeply into his lungs.
He jumped to his feet and looked down at Ezra, slowly backing away.
"What in Sam Hill are you talking about, Ezra? Just 'cause we just… we…" he waved his hands, unable to voice their kiss.
"…doesn't mean anything. You were just showing me how to do that trick, and now that you've shown me, we don't ever have to mention it again. So don't, Ezra."
Ezra started getting to his feet, cringing when he stepped up too quickly and his side slightly pulled from the effort.
"Buck, it's okay. I know everything."
Buck shook his head. "No, Ezra. You don't know anything at all." Buck strode over to the horses and grabbed his shirt, first putting it on inside out, then roughly shaking it off and trying to start again.
"Buck."
He started when Ezra lightly touched his shoulder, but he didn't turn around to face the shorter man.
"Buck, it's okay, honestly. I've known about your feelings for me for awhile now. I've just been waiting to see if you were serious or not."
Buck screwed up his face and turned around. The scar on his shoulder burned with the remembered pain of what had happened the last time he had shown his true feelings to another man. Buck didn't think he could handle any of what Ezra had to say.
He knew that it wasn't what other men wanted. Other men don't feel the way that Buck did, and even if they did, it wasn't the same. Other men on the trail didn't want to spend the night together once they were back in town. Other men wouldn't rather spend time just watching a friend play solitaire when there was the possibility of passion with one of the local saloon girls. Other men didn't find the smell of their friend's sweat after a hard day sexy. And if other men didn't feel that way, then Buck knew - knew like he knew the sky was blue - that Ezra certainly wouldn't. Ezra was just trying to find a way to explain to a friend that things of that nature just weren't possible. Ezra was just being a consummate gentleman, being kind to a friend who was confused, but being kind was the last thing Buck could bear. Pity was something Buck couldn't live with, and he almost wished that Ezra had his derringer on him. A bullet would hurt less.
"It don't matter if I'm serious or not, Ez. It don't matter at all. I don't know what you think you know, but you're wr-"
"I was awake in the clinic."
The emotion on Ezra's face didn't change, and Buck had to wonder if he had imagined the words.
"I was awake in the clinic, Buck. I heard you and JD talking. I know." Ezra hesitantly reached out to touch Buck again. Buck flinched, and Ezra withdrew his hand, giving Buck the space he needed to take in what Ezra was talking about.
"JD shouldn't have talked to you about what you've been feeling for me before I had had a chance to discuss the matter with you myself. JD coming into the clinic the other night had not been in my plan.
"I wanted to talk to you first. Tell you that I had realized a few weeks ago that you had certain feelings for me." Ezra slowly stepped close to Buck, bringing up his hands to fix the half-turned collar and to straighten the shoulders of Buck's shirt.
Buck lightly grabbed one of Ezra's wrists, stilling the oddly comforting movements. "You're telling me you knew? You knew all along? Then what are you trying to say, 'cause I ain't in the mood for games? And what do ya mean by it not being in your plan? You planning on teaching me a lesson? Well, hear this, Ez. I'm not as stupid as some think, and I ain't about to just stand here and let you pity me. I'm sorry that I've put you in this place, and I'll keep away from ya until I get a handle on things. The others don't need to know what's been going on, and I can explain it all to JD. Just, let me get my stuff and help you back to town, then I'll see about leaving town for a bit until things calm down." Buck turned away from Ezra once more and put his suspenders over his shoulders before haphazardly tucking his shirt into his pants.
A carefully manicured hand, slightly smaller than his but equally as strong, warmed the skin under Buck's shirt on the center of his back, stilling his movements once more. "Buck, you're not hearing me. I don't want you to leave town, and I certainly don't want you to keep away. That's not what I had in mind at all. Please, let's continue on the patrol and make our way to the shack for the evening like we first planned. Please."
Buck closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I don't understand any of this, Ez. What do you want from me?"
The gambler walked around, still keeping his hand on Buck's person lightly as he did, making Buck feel grounded and lightheaded at the same time.
Once they faced each other, Ezra smiled. "What I want, you give me every day. I want to spend time with you, that's all. Just give me tonight to show you I mean what I say. If you still think that I'm lying, then you can do what you will, but I would like a chance at least. If nothing else, I deserve that."
Ezra then turned away, pulling on his trousers and shirt before he made his way back to the horses, where he slowly mounted Chaucer and got the horse to move a few steps before stopping. "I'm going to continue to Chris' shack. If you're willing to give me a chance, please feel free to join me. However, if by the time the sun sets you haven't arrived, I will have to assume that you don't trust me, and so my offer of companionship will be taken off the table. I'm not going to wait around forever, Buck. It's up to you whether or not we remain friends or become more."
Buck remained still while he watched Ezra ride up the hill. Once the man and his horse were out of sight, he let out a deep breath. His shoulders slumped with the weight of the whole problem before him. Sunset was due in only a few hours, and he had a lot to think about before then.
Shaking his head, he turned to stare at the water. He saw the hours that had just passed, Ezra and himself just sitting there, and remembered the contentment he had felt just being in the other man's company.
He stooped down to pick up a smooth pebble, and with a quick, strong flick of his wrist, the stone skimmed the water five times before falling below with a plop. He sat down on the bank, and with his legs in the water, he continued to think about how he felt about the idea of him and Ezra being together. There was so much to consider. The consequences of the others finding out, and what they could possibly do to them - to Ezra - worried him.
And of course, Buck mused, there was always the possibility that Ezra was lying about the way he felt. Hadn't the past shown him that such contentment wasn't always as easy as he wished it to be?
Two hours passed before Buck picked himself off the bank and made his way towards his horse, still patiently waiting for him beneath a tree. After gathering the rest of his clothing, he mounted the gelding and turned the horse in the direction of Chris' shack.
It was time to take a chance.
+ + + + + + +
The sun was just on the horizon when Buck reached the shack, so he jumped from his horse and leapt up the steps to bang on the closed front door. A few long, eternal seconds passed before the door was opened. Ezra stood there in his pants and white shirt with a wry smile on his face.
"You know, Buck, for a moment I didn't think you were going to make it. I have coffee on the stove if you like." Ezra then turned from the open door and made his way to the table.
Buck looked at the retreating back and felt a quick flash of anger at the normalcy with which Ezra was treating the situation. While he had been hoping Ezra wouldn't cause a big scene, he was a little disappointed that it hadn't happened. "What in tarnation do you think you're doing?!"
Ezra slowly sat down in one of the three chairs, and gave the man still standing in the doorway an even look.
"I'm inviting you in. What do you want, Buck, a gilded invitation from me? I gave you that back by the creek. If you want anything else, you'll have to do the work yourself. Now, like I said before, there's fresh coffee on the stove if you want some. You can come in, or you can stay out. It's all up to you now."
Buck threw him a frustrated glare that only resulted in Ezra giving out a hearty chuckle, and somehow the sound moved Buck's feet into the room. When he would have stopped and fallen to his knees to swear his undying devotion, his courage left him, and his common sense again kicked in, reminding him of times past and warning him of a future unknown. Hoping he wasn't too obvious, he detoured around the seated man and ended up in front of the stove, where he grabbed a cup and poured himself some of the hot drink. Once he was sure he wasn't going to do anything that would result in a loss of face, he went and sat opposite Ezra.
"Look, I'm not too sure what I'm supposed to do. You asked me to come here if I felt anything, and ,well… I'm here. I was kinda hoping that that would be enough for ya. That you'd think that me getting this far would be enough."
"But it's not enough for you. If this is too easy, I fear that you might not treat this the way I want you to. Take your time, Buck. I can wait."
Silence filled the room with a heaviness that made Buck drop his head to stare at a knothole in the table. He sat still for almost ten minutes, internally weighing up his reasons for wanting to tell Ezra the truth, and the reasons he had for not wanting to bare his soul to the man seated across for him. In the end, though, it came down to one thing. He wanted.
Buck drew a deep breath, closed his eyes, and decided to lay his heart on the table. "I- I got feelings for ya, Ezra. I've been trying not to, 'cause you're you, and I'm…" At this, Buck smiled self-deprecatingly. "Well, I'm Buck Wilmington, ladies' man, local buffoon. I don't fit into your world. And I'd rather just be yer friend than embarrass ya. It's okay if you don't feel the same as I do. You don't have to pretend just so's I feel better. Being your friend is…" Buck paused and pursed his lips while he searched for the right word. "Being your friend is nice."
Ezra bit back a friendly chuckle. "Now that is something I don't hear every day. Nice. I'm sure that there are a few people in this world who would disagree with you there, but I very much appreciate the sentiment. I find it very nice being your friend as well." He tapped a finger against his mug. "Except for one thing. I don't want nice."
For a moment, Buck thought he would be seriously ill, and tried to get his feet working so he could leave before he burned up in embarrassment.
"Ya don't?"
"I'm afraid I don't." Ezra looked directly into Buck's eyes. "I don't want us to be nice to each other. I want to stop having to imagine what you look like under your clothes and have the real thing laying on me night after night. I want both of us waking up on rainy mornings too sore and sated to even think about leaving our bed. I want to spend the day being able to smell you on me. I want to have to find new ways to cover the marks you've left on my neck. I want to be completely distracted during poker games, simply because you're sitting at another table." He broke the spell the words had spun with a wicked grin. "But… if you're happy with us being friends in the nicest of ways, then that would be… that would be lovely."
There was a minute of silence. "You really want all that? You want me like that? But why didn't you tell me before?"
"The same question applies to you, Buck. You've been skirting around me for weeks now. You've only been half-heartedly flirting with Inez. You could hardly stand to be in the same room as me for what I had hoped was fear of showing your feelings. The others have started to worry about you. I think the reason Chris agreed to us coming out here was more for your health than mine. You've been withdrawing yourself from me and the others. Isn't your happiness an issue? Can you think of any reason why we couldn't be happy together?"
Buck picked up his mug of cooled coffee and took a quick gulp. "Ez, I've tried to find happiness like this before, and all it got me was a bullet in the shoulder. It ain't something I like to think on, and it wouldn't be such an easy life. If the others were to find out-"
"Who said that they would have to find out? Granted, we would have to be very circumspect, but I see no reason why the rest of the guys need to know. Of course," Ezra gave a quick chuckle, "we'd need to find a way to stop you from talking in your sleep, but I'm sure I could find other ways to occupy that mouth of yours."
Buck blushed and stared intently at the cracks in the wood table. "Geez, Ez, you don't pull your punches, do ya?"
"I don't see why I should. I'm here, and I'm not afraid to say that I want you - in my life as a friend, and in my bed as a lover. But I'm not going to sit around for months on end pining for you, so I'm going to say this only once more. If you want me, say so. No ifs, no buts, no anything. All that other stuff we can work out along the way, but until you admit to both of us that you're willing to give us a chance, we're going to keep circling each other like we have been. It's just three words, Buck. I want you."
Buck's index finger traced a pattern on the table as he looked into the other man's eyes. "It's more than three words. You know that."
"Tomorrow it's more than that. But right now, it's just one moment and three words. Please, the only thing stopping us is you. Would you rather go through the rest of your life wondering what it would be like, or knowing for certain how great we would be together? If you'll give us a chance the only thing you'll regret about it is not having the courage to do something weeks ago."
Yet another deep sigh escaped from Buck. "I already regret that, Ez. And I already told ya that I want ya. I feel for you, I really do. I feel a lot for you. A lot more than I should."
As Buck had been talking, Ezra had gotten up from his seat across the table and quietly walked around to stand behind the gunslinger. "And I feel the same way." He dropped his head to place a gentle kiss on Buck's forehead. Buck leaned into the affection, then leaned back to glance at the shorter man.
"I have deep feelings for you, Ez. I have thoughts about you when I shouldn't, an' that scares me sometimes. I don't want to be someone who would do anything to hurt you, and I don't know if I'm the type of person who could fit into your world. I don't have your learning, or your graces, an'-"
Ezra tilted Buck's head back further for a lip-bruising kiss that interrupted Buck's sentence. It startled Buck, and he almost lost his balance on the chair before quickly regaining it. He closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of Ezra, enjoying the moment and losing his train of thought. An almost silent, pained grunt quickly brought Buck back to his senses. He broke the kiss and leant forward again so he could rise up from his seat, taking a close look at the man who had been standing behind him.
"Are you all right, Ez? You didn't strain your side, did you?" Without thought, Buck started to undo the buttons on Ezra's white shirt so he could have a look at the still-healing wound. He gently pressed against the slightly reddened skin, pleased that the scar didn't look too stressed.
"I'm fine, Buck. Although I am pleased with the way this conversation is panning out. Perhaps I should also check out any old wounds you have to make sure they're not strained either." Ezra's fingers began to quickly play with the buttons on the front of Buck's shirtfront, before Buck's hand came up to stop their journey.
"Ez, I'm serious here. It sounded like you almost hurt yourself. What would Nate say if you re-injured yourself 'cause of me?"
"Nathan would say that I should be more careful. He wouldn't hold you responsible in any way."
"But-"
"No buts. I am my own man, no matter what. I can make my own decisions, and I decided that you needed to be… distracted from your train of thought."
It took Buck a second to remember what he had been talking on before Ezra had kissed him so thoroughly. "But it's true, Ez. I'm not someone who'd be a good companion for you in the city. I'd stick out like a sore thumb, and just embarrass the heck outta ya when I ate with the wrong fork or some such."
Ezra tilted his head and gave Buck a quick, hard, closed-mouth kiss. "First off, I don't want you to have to fit into my world, and I don't want to fit into yours. I'd like for both of us to find our own world where we're both comfortable, with each other and our idiosyncrasies and our insecurities. It wouldn't be fair on either of us if only one of us had to compromise who they are for this to work. I don't care if you don't use the right fork at supper, as long as you're there with me. I want you for you, Buck. Not some prettied up version of you that you seem to think I do. I know you're exactly the way I will always need you to be." Another kiss, this one slower and gentler. "And honestly, if I was that worried as to what other people thought, we wouldn't be having this conversation in the first place."
A grimace touched Buck's face when he was reminded of what other people might think upon his relationship with Ezra.
"What are we going to tell the others?"
"I don't see why we should tell them anything yet. I doubt that they'd take the news well, so I'd rather not burn that bridge until we have to. I believe we could both be circumspect enough that we could keep our true leanings a secret."
"JD knows."
"JD is young. He hasn't had time to form unbreakable stands on things he doesn't fully understand. He'll stand beside us both, and he's loyal enough that I very much doubt he'd do anything that would result in either of us being harmed or injured in any way. Let's not borrow trouble, Buck. Let's not worry ourselves too much on things that can wait until tomorrow at least. I can think of much more pleasurable pursuits we can engage ourselves in."
Ezra leant down and picked up Buck's half-forgotten coffee, taking a sip of it. Buck smiled, enjoying the intimacy the action created. Ezra put the mug back down and stood back up, gently stretching his back, arm raised in the air. "So, what now, my friend?"
Buck scratched his chin and glanced out the window to note the darkened evening sky. "If it's all right with you, I'd like to go to bed now."
Ezra raised an eyebrow. "For a man who was against the idea of us beginning a relationship, you are making remarkable progress."
"Not like that, Ez. Even though your side is looking better, I don't want to risk you getting hurt again. And there is that rule of Nathan's, remember."
Ezra snorted. "You're hardly a woman, Buck."
Buck nodded once. "That's true enough, but I am a Wilmington, so I figure that three W rule still fits. And besides, I'm not that comfortable about us doing much here in Chris' shack. It's his place, and I'd hate for us to leave any clues that he might be able to work out. I just want to lay with you and talk some more."
Ezra's gaze softened. "You're a good man, Buck. Don't let anyone tell you different." Ezra turned to bank the fire in the stove. "If you're ready, we can turn in for the night."
They busied themselves for the next fifteen minutes, first with unsaddling Buck's horse and turning it to a paddock Chris had fenced off, and then making preparations for themselves to bed down on the floor. They combined their blankets, and Buck lightly blushed as they removed their outer clothes to sleep in their underwear. Ezra blew out the lamp and only the moon through a window lit the room. Once they were underneath a blanket in the night-darkened room, Buck asked Ezra about a comment he had made earlier in the day.
"Ez, I was wondering - who's William? I mean, you don't have to tell me if you haven't the mind to, but I woulda thought that Maude would have taught you all about keeping up appearances and such."
He heard Ezra sigh and a minute floated by before Ezra spoke. "William was… William. He was a brilliant, articulate man. And when I was twenty, I loved him. I met him the first time I pulled a con without Maude, and he taught me more about covering my real identity than she ever could."
"Where is he now?"
"I believe he may be in the Potter's Field at San Francisco. I had received a missive from Mother about four months after William and I became intimate, and I left to help her escape a bad situation. It took longer than I had expected, otherwise I would have asked William to accompany me on the journey. When I returned there was no sign of him at the quarters we had been living in. I went around to all our old haunts, and eventually a friend of William's broke the news to me that he had lost everything in a crooked game. The men he was playing against wanted more money than he had, and they killed him.
Rumour had it, though, that his death may have had more to do with his lifestyle than his losing. He was a terrible flirt when he had been drinking."
"'M sorry. I would never of asked if I'd known." Buck reached out in the darkness and placed his callous-roughened hand on Ezra's shoulder. "You must miss him."
He felt Ezra lean into his comforting touch. "I do, more than I thought possible."
Silence settled in the room, and Buck lay on his side facing the other man who had his back to him, his hand still resting on Ezra's shoulder. He listened to Ezra breathe, the sound seeping into his bones, relaxing him, and he started to feel sleepy. When he felt Ezra move closer, his eyes flew open. "You all right there?"
Ezra made a sound in agreement and leaned against Buck's chest. "I'm fine. I haven't felt this comfortable for a long time."
Ezra's hair softly tickled Buck's nose. Buck moved his head to one side, his mouth coming to rest against Ezra's ear. "How you feeling? Not in any pain?"
Ezra gave the smallest wiggle from the hips. "No. No pain here. How about you?" Ezra turned his head so their lips were only an inch apart. "Are you feeling any discomfort?"
Buck knew that Ezra was teasing him, so he decided to play along. Buck may have been worried that Ezra was only showing him pity, but Ezra telling him a little bit about his past with his friend William had helped Buck to see that Ezra already knew the risks involved with them being together. Knowing that Ezra had trusted him enough to tell the story of his first relationship helped Buck to need safe reaching out. He felt comfortable with showing himself to Ezra now that he knew that they felt the same about each other.
"Now that you mention it, Ez, I've got a bit of discomfort. I think one of those damn stems scratched the roof of my mouth. Itches like the dickens. You know all about tying those things; you must know something about this."
Buck could just make out Ezra's Cheshire cat grin. "I can think of one or two methods of helping you there. Are you game?"
"You know me - I'm always up for something."
Ezra turned around so that he was facing Buck, still leaning on the bigger man's chest. He stretched his neck so there was only a sigh between their lips. They stayed like that for a moment before Buck moved his head, their tongues touching lightly before their lips joined. Ezra's tongue slowly twisted around to gently massage the roof of Buck's mouth. Buck tentatively brought a hand between them to touch one of Ezra's already half-erect nipples. He traced around it until Ezra broke the kiss.
"As much as I'm enjoying this, I don't want us to go further than you will be comfortable with tomorrow morning. I don't want to force you into anything."
Buck smiled and kissed him tenderly. "I know you don't. And I don't want to force you into anything either. But…" Buck blushed, glad that Ezra couldn't see his face properly. "I like kissing you, like touching you, too. Can't really believe that I'm doing it fer real, and that it's not just another one of my dreams."
"Ahh, yes, about your dreams… Tell me, what happens next in that one who were having in the clinic? I gathered you were getting to the best part when JD woke you, and it would be a travesty to let it go unfinished."
Buck shrugged as best he could in the position he was laying. "Don't really need to tell you. I never got much further than the part I was up to before today. And you already know how today ended."
Ezra made a noise in agreement, and stretched his arms as best he could. "I do indeed. A highly satisfactory outcome, I think. Now there's only one last detail of today we need to clear up."
"Yeah? And what's that?"
"I've called you and all the others we've talked about by their first names. The only thing we have to work out is when you're going to wear Vin's jacket for an entire hour."
The End
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