Chapter Sixteen
The last week since the wire from Sheriff Brody had been unbearable, but this new worry had at least gotten Mary out of bed. She had been going about her daily routine and seeing to Billy's needs, but her heart was not into any of it. She had made a decision and when Ezra got back she would follow through on it, and this delay was not going to change anything.
Now, she watched from a distance as the four men rode into town. Her knees threatened to buckle under her as relief washed over her when she saw that Ezra was back safely. She had to physically take hold of the frame of the doorway she had ducked into to keep from running down the street and throwing herself into his arms.
When she saw Nathan and Vin help Chris up the stairs, she said a silent prayer of thanks that it hadn't been Ezra, and immediately she felt guilty for feeling relieved that any of the others had gotten hurt instead of Ezra. Her heart broke when she saw him looking back as he followed the others up the steps, and she was certain that he had been looking for her.
Once he was out of sight behind the closed door of the clinic, Mary quickly made her way back to the Clarion office where she headed straight upstairs to her room. There, away from prying eyes, she let the tears flow that had been threatening to spill over. The strength of her resolve had weakened for a short time but once the tears had run their course she pulled herself together, and wiped her face with a wet cloth and then held it against the back of her neck, letting the chill of it calm her even more.
By the time she heard the bell jingle on the front door, she had steeled herself and was ready for what was going to take place. She headed for the stairs and had just reached the bottom as Ezra came through the door adjoining the office and her living area.
"Mary!" The gambler rushed to her and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close, before claiming her lips with his own. In his excitement to see her, it took a few moments for it to register in his mind that she was not responding to him, and he pulled back from her enough to search her face for any hint at what was wrong. "Darlin', What is it? Why..." He stopped talking when she stepped back out of his arms.
"I'm sorry. I'm glad you're back safe, and I know this is a lousy time to break this to you, but I can't let you go on without being honest with you." Mary paused and took a deep breath to steady her nerves.
"Dearest, what's happened?" He reached out to her, but it only caused her to step farther away from him, so he let his hands drop to his sides.
"Ezra, I'm sorry." She slid the ring off of her finger and held it out to him. "I can't marry you."
Automatically, he held out his hand when she reached out to give him the ring. He stood staring at the gleam of the gold, in shock from what he had just heard her say. It took several long moments before he could look up into her eyes, but he could not see her clearly through a haze of unshed tears. "Why?"
"Please don't ask. Let's just leave it at 'it just wouldn't have worked.'"
"I can't just leave it at that!" Desperation rushed in and took over, leaving him helpless to regain control over all the emotions that boiled through him, rolling over and over each other, mixing and then separating again into heartbreak, anger, confusion and more. Each battled to be the dominant one, the one that Ezra finally unleashed. "There has to be a reason. You don't just suddenly decide it isn't going to work. Talk to me! Mary...I love you."
"Ezra, I care a lot about you, but it isn't enough." Her own resolve was starting to weaken again. "Please... go, before this gets harder than it already is."
"Mary, don't do this!" He could hear the pleading in his own voice and he continued to beg. "Please! Talk to me! Don't just walk away..." He found himself calling out after her as she started back up the stairs, and he followed her. She closed the bedroom door just as he got to the top and he found himself standing outside pressing his forehead and palms against the solid wood. "Mary, come out, please. We can talk this out. You love me too, I know you do. Please!" He tried to choke back the tears, but a strangled sob managed to break free.
Mary leaned against the door on the inside, listening to the pleading coming from the hall. She had to bite her knuckles to keep from calling out to him, and when she heard him sob it was all she could do to keep from throwing the door open and begging him to forgive her, but she held her ground.
It seemed like hours before Ezra finally turned away from the door, and she heard his footsteps on the stairs. When she heard the bell on the door as he left, she raced across the room to watch from her window. She held it together until he stopped in the middle of the street and turned to look back at her window. The pain she saw in his face was more than she could bear, and she flung herself on her bed and buried her face in her pillow to muffle her cries. She wanted him, but she could not be the reason that he would never see a child of his own born. She loved him too much to saddle him with a fruitless marriage.
+ + + + + + +
"Buck?" Vin waved a hand in front of the older man's face to get his attention.
"Huh? What?" Wilmington drew a deep breath and shook his head, trying to pull his attention back to the man he had been talking to. "Reckon I got a bit distracted."
"A bit?" Tanner laughed at the chagrined expression on his friend's face. "What're ya thinkin' on so hard?" Knowing Buck like he did, he figured it was one of his latest conquests.
"Just ponderin' on what I can get to send to Alice. I promised her somethin' special." His brow furrowed in thought, and he shook his head in bewilderment. "I don't know what kind of things a little lady like that might want."
Beside them, Inez was busy clearing a table of dirty glasses, and she took her time wiping up the spilled beer. Her curiosity was piqued when she heard him mention someone named Alice. She did not remember him talking about anyone by that name before they went to Yuma. She must be someone he was involved with while he was away. Usually, Buck just forgot about the women he romanced when he was away from town. He might talk about them a little, but that was it. This Alice must have really meant something to him, if he was talking about sending her gifts.
"Well, did ya see anything in her room that might give ya a clue?" Out of the corner of his eye, Vin noticed Inez pause in washing down the table when he asked Buck that question. Maybe it was just a coincidence, but somehow he did not think so. "Or were ya too busy with Alice t' notice?"
Inwardly, the tracker smiled. He had not imagined it. Inez was definitely listening to them, and by the look on her face and the agitated way she was scrubbing the table, he got the impression that she was put out by hearing about Buck's ‘dalliance'. If she only knew that Alice was only two years old. Maybe there was more between Buck and her than she would admit, even to herself.
When he turned his focus back to Buck, the older man's attention had wandered again, but this time he was watching the pretty barmaid. Tanner waited to see how long it took his friend to remember he was supposed to be having a conversation with someone. He was used to the ladies' man getting sidetracked by a pretty face, but he had not been getting as distracted by Inez as much lately. Her constant rebuffs of his attention had finally started getting through to him that she really was not interested in him in that way. In truth, Inez had actually spurned everyone's advances, not just Wilmington's. Now, Vin was suspecting that all those refusals had not been completely sincere, because even when she was refusing him, she still paid more attention to Buck.
There was something in those dark blue eyes that was different, Vin decided. It was not the lustful look that was usually there when he watched a woman; it was softer and filled with longing. Tanner allowed his eyes to drift from one to the other without moving his head, so he could observe both people without making it obvious that he was watching them.
At last, Wilmington remembered that Vin had said something to him. "Uhh... Sorry. Guess my mind drifted again. What was it ya said?"
"Just asked if you saw anything in Alice's room that might help ya figure out what t' send her."
Inez grabbed up the used glass, raising quite a clatter in the process, and stalked across the room. She flung the wet towel on the bar and shoved her way through the door to the kitchen.
Buck watched the display with raised brows. "Wonder what's got under her skin?"
'You'. Vin thought and had to hide his grin behind his hand as he pretended to think about the question. "I wouldn't know. Maybe she's just had a bad day." 'Yup, those two just need a little nudge in the right direction,'
Wilmington glanced back at the longhaired tracker and shrugged. "Maybe. I didn't really look around her room. I don't want t' send her a doll, 'cause the one she has is special to her. What kind'a things do you get a little girl? I'm used to thinkin' about the big girls," he added with a self-satisfied grin and a bob of his brows.
"I don't know, but most girls seem to like little pretties, like hair ribbons and stuff," Vin offered his limited advice. "Wasn't she using a ribbon to play with that cat?"
"Yeah, she was. That's a good idea. I could send some different colored hair ribbons and send some extra for kitty cat. Alice would like that, and they'd be easy to send, too." Buck pushed back from the table and stretched when he stood up. He had been sitting too long and had stiffened up a bit, a realization that served to remind him that he was not getting any younger. "Want t' come with me to check them out?"
"Nah, think I'll have another beer. Can't say hair ribbons are all that fascinatin' t' me." Tanner bowed out gracefully, so he could stay behind and hopefully do a little nudging.
Inez came back out of the kitchen just as Buck was going out the front door, and Vin held up his empty glass to signal that he needed another beer. She retrieved his glass and returned with his refill and a wet towel. As she made a fuss over cleaning up the table where Buck had been sitting she glanced at Vin. "Looks like you got left all on your own."
"Seems so. You know Buck, when he's got a female on his mind, nothin' else matters," Vin nudged.
"Ah, yes. Senor Wilmington does have a one track mind." Her eyes darkened and she frowned. After a moment she sat down and smiled at the tracker. "I was wondering about Senor Chris. Is he doing better now?"
"He's doin' fine. Nathan wants him to stay at the clinic a couple days, just to be sure after that long ride home. He had some mighty fine doctorin' and Ezra took good care of him while we went on t' Yuma." Tanner wondered how long it would take her to reach the subject she really wanted to know about. "Thought we might lose him there for a bit though."
"How horrible! I am glad that he is doing all right now. Is it true that he stepped in to keep Senor Ezra from being shot?" Inez was genuinely interested, but there were other things she wanted to know, too; she just did not want to be too obvious about it.
"Yup, he did. Think it really surprised Ezra."
"I am sure it did, after all the bad blood that has passed between them." She paused and fiddled with the towel she had laid on the table in front of her. "Did you and Senor Buck have any trouble taking the men to Yuma? It must have been more difficult with just the two of you."
'Now we're gettin' to it,' Vin thought. "It wasn't too bad, but we were glad t' get there. Didn't think I was goin' t' get him back on the road though."
"Why? Wasn't he anxious to get back?" Inez prodded.
"Yeah, he wanted t' check on Chris, but you know him, his head was turned by a pretty face."
"Oh. Was she really pretty?" Her eyes grew suddenly sad, and her shoulders drooped.
"I doubt anyone could have resisted Miss Alice, not with that golden hair and a face like an angel. You know, one of those little angels you see in pictures sometimes. Don't remember what you call 'em though." Vin thought about it a minute and then shrugged.
"A cherub?" Inez suggested.
"That's it! I don't remember a time when I saw Buck smitten so fast." Vin kept dropping little tidbits to see if Inez would take the bait. If he had to describe the expression on her face at the moment, he would definitely call it a pout. "She had him wrapped around her little finger and follwin' her around straight off."
"How nice for Senor Buck." Her tone had grown cool as the conversation progressed, and now she sounded positively dejected.
The tracker decided it was time to come clean. "Yup, he sure did fall for that little girl."
Inez' brows shot up and her mouth dropped open. "Little girl?"
"Uh huh. She's 'bout two years old." When he saw the puzzled expression on the barmaid's face he went on with his story. "Oh, I forgot to mention that the warden was an old friend of Buck's. Alice is his daughter. John and his wife invited us t' stay the night there since we got in t' the prison so late. The next mornin' Buck saw Alice, and it was love at first sight."
"Buck and a two-year-old? I did not know Senor Buck liked children so much." Inez considered that new bit of information.
"He likes 'em well enough. He's always been good with 'em when I've been around, but not like he was with Alice." He was deliberately drawing the story out to keep Inez interested. "Ya would've laughed if you'd seen 'em. She'd get hold of his finger and lead him wherever she wanted him t' go. He sat on the floor with her on his lap for a long time playin' with her kitty."
"I would like to have seen that." The pretty Mexican barkeep's face lit up when she smiled, as she visualized the big man sitting with a pint-sized little girl on his lap.
"She didn't want Buck t' leave. He had t' promise to send her somethin' special t' get her to let go so he could give her back to her dad." Vin felt that Inez had taken the bait and the hook, now all he could do was let her run with it.
"What is he planning to send to her?"
"Shoot, we don't know much about stuff fer a girl that little. I said she might like some hair ribbons." The tracker felt pretty smug that his plan seemed to be working. "He went over to the general store to check 'em out."
"A man isn't going to know what a girl that little wants." She got to her feet and headed for the door talking as she went. "It is Jacob's day off. Can you watch the bar for me?"
"Sure. Got nothing better t' do." Vin watched her toss on a heavy shawl and grinned when he saw her almost run past the window.
+ + + + + + +
Buck looked up from the pile of ribbons when he heard the door open. He smiled at Inez and then went back to trying to figure out just what ribbons to get. There were quite a few colors, some were lacy, other really expensive ones had little bits of embroidery on them, and there was a variety of fabrics used. He really did not have a clue which to get. He was just about to call Mrs. Potter over to help him when he realized someone was standing right next to him.
"Do you have any idea what you are doing?" Inez asked.
Buck chuckled and shook his head. "Not a clue."
"She has gold hair, Si?"
"Yes. How did you...?" He stopped mid-sentence and grinned. "Never mind. It was Vin, right?"
"Si. What color eyes?" Inez was starting to sort out the ribbons for what might be acceptable and what definitely was not.
"Blue."
"This would look nice." She held up a pretty blue length of ribbon. "And so would this," she added a long piece of red.
"Does the color really make that big of a difference?" Buck watched with interest as she continued to search.
"Of course it does. You want something that doesn't blend in with her hair," she explained. "Yellow would not be a good idea, nor would white or gold. The blue will make her eyes look even more blue, and red always looks good with blonde hair."
They talked over each choice and finally ended up with pink, red, blue in two different shades, and green. "Does it matter what color I get the cat?"
Inez stared at him dumfounded. "You are buying ribbon for a cat too?"
"Just some pieces for Alice to use to play with the cat. She has an old piece she jiggles around for the cat to chase." Buck looked at the pretty young Mexican like that should have been pretty obvious.
"No. Any color will do. I would say get what is cheapest." She scrounged through the supply and pulled out three that were plain and cheap. "How many do you want?"
"Those will do fine." He took the items to the counter and paid Mrs. Potter for them. "How should I going to fix them to send them off to her?"
"Come back to the saloon and I will help you." Inez smiled up at him and decided she liked this side of Buck Wilmington.
The ladies' man held the door open for her and they walked side by side back to the saloon. "Thanks."
"You are welcome." Unconsciously, she reached up and rested her hand in the bend of his arm. "I could not let you send that child something hideous."
"You had that much faith in me, huh?" Buck liked the feel of walking with Inez on his arm, and he wished the walk back was longer.
Vin looked up when he heard them come in the door and was pleased to hear them laughing, and to see the broad smiles on both of their faces as Buck helped her with her shawl. He was a little surprised when neither of them spoke to him as they went straight to the bar.
"I'll get what we need," Inez offered and ducked into the kitchen long enough to retrieve a piece of brown paper and a ball of twine.
Tanner stepped up beside Buck and leaned his elbows on the bar. "Hey, stud," he teased.
"Vin, I don't know what you said or did, but I'm grateful to ya for it." Wilmington hung his head for a moment and collected his thoughts. "I'd given up on any chance that she might come around."
"Just be sure that if she comes around that you treat her right," Vin warned his friend. "She doesn't deserve the love 'em and leave 'em routine."
"I know, and I never intended it like that with her, but she just couldn't see it." He grinned at his friend and gave him a pat on the arm. "I don't know if anything will come of this, but at least now I have a chance to get her to see the man I can be with her."
"Then don't waste it by messin' things up," the tracker advised. "She's not the kind t' give ya another chance."
Chapter Seventeen
Maude shivered as she crossed the street. Josiah had promised to meet her for breakfast, and he had not shown up. Josiah had never stood her up before, and she did not intend to let him start making a habit of it. It was very embarrassing to sit there waiting for someone with everyone staring, and probably laughing to themselves when it became obvious that her breakfast companion was not simply late, but was not coming at all.
She opened the door to the church and stepped inside out of the wind. The main room was not much warmer than outside, since Josiah fired up the stove only when there was a service to perform. The one warm place in the building was his room, and the con-woman headed straight for it.
Even though the door was slightly ajar, she raised her hand to knock. The sound of voices caught her attention and she stopped, her hand still raised, before connecting with the wood. She had distinctly heard Mary's name mentioned, and after the way she had hurt her son, Maude had no qualms about eavesdropping.
"I still think she oughta tell him the truth," Nathan insisted. "It just ain't right her keepin' him in the dark like that."
"Well, brother, on one hand I'd have to agree with you, but it's Mary's decision. We can't make it for her, and we both have to respect her privacy." Josiah's voice carried through the crack in the door and sounded as clear as if he was standing right beside her.
"You sayin' that if you was in Ezra's shoes that you wouldn't want t' know? After the way it hit him last time, ya know it is somethin' he cares deeply about," Jackson added.
"That's just it. He was devastated the first time; you should know that better than any of us. You were the one there when he insisted he had to see it before we could bury it. He completely fell apart after that." The preacher tried to reason with Nathan, but he knew how stubborn the younger man could be when he thought someone was wrong. "I think she's trying to spare him that again."
"That might be, but that don't change the fact that it was just as much his as hers. I'd want to know no matter how much it hurt."
"So would I," Josiah agreed. "But she doesn't want him marrying her out of pity or out of obligation."
"She tell you that?"
"Not in those exact words, but I feel sure that's it." Josiah would not be swayed from his opinion. "No matter what she says, she still loves him."
"I'll give ya that," Jackson admitted reluctantly. "When I went t' check on her earlier, she was laid up in bed again and had sent Billy t' Mrs. Potter's. She's lower'n a snake's belly in a wagon rut."
"She'd been crying when I went to see her, but she wouldn't talk to me."
"What are we gonna do 'bout Ezra?" the healer asked, clearly worried about the southerner. "He ain't been sober for four days and it don't look like he's gonna be again fer a long time."
"All we can do is be there for him when he needs us, and hope we can help him through all this." Josiah's voice sounded so sad that the con-woman wanted to go in and hug him, and thank him for caring so much about her son.
The sound of footsteps inside the room startled Maude and made her realize just how incriminating it would look if one of them opened the door and found her standing there. She wanted to hear more of what they had to say, but she did not want to risk getting caught. Quietly, she retraced her steps and let herself out.
Once outside she hurried back to the hotel and headed straight up to her room. What had Josiah meant when he said Ezra insisted on seeing it before it was buried? Something had upset him so badly that he had been devastated. Maude racked her brain trying to think of any time when she could say that her son had been that distraught over anything, and only two times came to mind; when Julia died, and now, when Mary broke off their engagement.
"See it before it was buried?" She muttered to herself as she paced the width of the room. "Something to do with Mary." Maude continued to pace but nothing was making any sense. It seemed that the more she tried to figure it out the farther out of reach the answer was.
Maude gave up and flopped in the rocking chair by the window. She tried to clear her mind so she could start over again. The rhythmic motion of the chair was soothing, and she allowed her eyes to drift shut while she steered her thoughts away from the puzzle at hand. The technique had worked in the past, maybe it would again.
After several minutes, the con-woman allowed her mind to venture back to the conversation she had overheard. If she took it one thing at a time, maybe it would come to her. "Something to do with Mary, but it isn't the first time." Her thoughts kept jumping from one snippet of conversation to another, but it always kept ending up on 'see it before it was buried.'
+ + + + + + +
Suddenly, Maude stopped rocking and sat bolt upright in the chair. It was so obvious now that she had it. Mary's sudden illness while Ezra had been away, and the nagging feeling that she had at the time that there was more to it than anyone was telling added credence to her conclusion. If she was right, Mary Travis would have some explaining to do.
The bite of the wind went unnoticed as Maude hurried up the boardwalk to the Clarion office. This time she had no intention of being dismissed like she had before when she had called to check on Mary when she had heard she was ill. It was going to be a touchy situation and she knew she would have to handle things carefully.
The bell jingled when she opened the door but no one was in the office. She got no answer when she knocked on the adjoining door, so she opened it partially and called out to Mary. Nathan had said she was in bed when he was here; not to be deterred, Maude stepped on inside and headed straight for the stairs.
She stood outside the open door for a moment and watched Mary who was lying there with her back to the door. Finally, she knocked gently on the doorframe to let the younger woman know she was there. "Mary, I'd like to talk to you."
"No. I don't feel like talking to anyone." Mary Travis did not make a move to turn to face her visitor, or to make any other acknowledgment of her presence.
"Well, dear, this time I'm not giving you a choice." Maude entered the room and pushed the door closed behind her. There were things they needed to talk about that she preferred would never leave this room. She did not want to chance someone overhearing what she had to say the way she had overheard Nathan and Josiah earlier.
"Maude, please go away." The young blonde hugged a pillow tighter to her chest and buried her face in it to avoid looking at the older woman.
"Not this time." The con-woman sat on the edge of the bed, but did not try to get Mary to turn over and face her. "Mary, I know what happened, and I think I know why you haven't told my son. But despite that, you need to tell him."
"You don't know."
"I'm fairly sure I do. You lost a baby, didn't you?" Maude watched Mary closely and saw her jerk slightly when she heard the question, a telltale sign that she had hit it dead on.
"Who told you that?"
"No one. I overheard some things, and then I pieced together the rest of it. This isn't the first time is it?" She waited until she had almost given up on getting a response. Finally, Mary shook her head no. "I thought not." Maude rested a hand on Mary's arm and gave it a gentle squeeze. "I know it feels like it right now, but you aren't the only woman to have ever lost a baby."
Grief and hopelessness radiated so strongly from Mary that it was almost a physical barrier around her. She turned even farther away but it did not dissuade the con-woman. She had faced tougher challenges than getting one distraught woman to talk.
"Why do people keep saying they know how I feel? It didn't happen to you, it happened to me, and you can't possibly know how I feel." Mary Travis' harsh tone would have put most people off of the idea of pressing her for anything more.
"I can't know precisely how you feel, but I do know how I felt," Maude confessed. "I am sure that our situations were a little different." The older woman gathered her thoughts and then pushed on before she could back out or Mary could react. "Turn over so I can talk to you." After several attempts, Maude finally set her foot down. "Either you turn over so I don't have to talk to the back of your head, or I'll come around to the other side so you'll end up facing me anyway."
A couple minutes passed before Mary grudgingly turned to face Ezra's mother, but she still refused to make eye contact.
"That's a start at least." Maude brushed some loose strands of hair out of Mary's face and let her fingers stroke her cheek for a moment before she pulled her hand away. "Surely you don't think that Ezra would turn away from you because you lost a child?"
"I know he wouldn't."
"Then why are you doing this to him? I know there are times a woman would want to keep something like that a secret, but not from a man who loves her as much as Ezra loves you." The con-woman could justify just about anything but that.
"Maude, please don't tell him!" For the first time since the older woman entered the room there was some sign of life left in Mary. "Please, he just can't know this!"
"Explain to me why I shouldn't." Maude Standish seriously doubted that anything the younger woman could say would get her to agree that Ezra should be left in the dark about all that had happened. "Ezra's my son, and right now he is so devastated by losing you that he's hiding behind the bottle. He's been drinking himself into a stupor every night, then waking up and starting all over the next morning. He's a mess in every sense of the word. So make me understand why you would do this to him, because I don't believe for a minute that you don't love him."
Mary fiddled with a loose thread on the quilt, and stared at her fingers to avoid looking at Maude. "He wants children, and I can't give them to him."
"Dear, that doesn't change how he feels about you. He wouldn't call off the wedding over that." Maude knew her son well enough to say that with conviction.
"He'd marry me out of a sense of honor, or because he felt a duty to, because he had already asked me to." She sniffed as she tried to keep the tears at bay. "He deserves a woman who can give him the babies he wants and needs."
"I see, but don't you think he has the right to be involved in a decision that is going to affect the rest of his life?" When she didn't get a response she tried another approach. "Give Ezra credit for being able to know his own heart."
Maude braced herself for what she felt she needed to say. "I have some things I'm going to tell you, and I want you to promise that you won't tell anyone, not even Ezra."
Despite her own emotional turmoil Mary was intrigued. She could not imagine what Maude would be that adamant about keeping mum. "All right."
"Good. I said I know how you feel, and I do know from personal experience. Hadn't you ever wondered how it was that Ezra was an only child after I had been married five times?"
"Yes, I have, and so had Ezra."
"Ezra's father was the only one I had ever really loved, but my second husband didn't start out bad. We had been married just a few months when I discovered I was pregnant. I thought that the prospect of being a father would smooth out some of his rough edges, but it did just the opposite. He became very abusive. I found out too late that he never wanted to be saddled down with children, but I wanted it. The more he railed against it, the more important it became to me to have that baby. One night in a drunken rage, he knocked me down and kicked me in the stomach. I lost the baby, and it probably took me a year to get over it." Maude reconsidered that and shook her head and heaved a heavy sigh. "You don't ever completely get over it, but with time it gets easier to bear."
Wide-eyed, Mary hung on every word. Here was someone who really did know how she felt, and she needed that connection with someone. "Did you get hurt inside like I did, and that's why there were never any others?"
"You're going to have to tell me what happened the first time," Maude prompted her. "I only figured out that it had happened more than once but I don't know the details."
Over the next few minutes Mary told her about that night in the cave, about how lonely they both were and how it had clouded their better judgment. She told her how Ezra had done the honorable thing and asked her to marry him, and how Chris had reacted when he figured out that she was pregnant, not knowing that they were planning to get married. The whole story came tumbling out, and she felt a real sense of relief at having someone to talk to about it who had gone through the same thing.
"Nathan said I was hurt pretty badly inside, and there was no way to know for sure if I could ever have any more children. He said that I should try not to for a while to allow time to heal completely. I did what I could to be sure there wasn't another mishap, but..." She hung her head and blushed hotly. "I messed up and ended up pregnant, but I lost it, almost before I had time to realize I was expecting again."
"I don't think I had any serious damage," Maude explained. "Not that time anyway. I managed to get away from him pretty quickly after that, but my third husband turned out to be horrible right from the time the preacher pronounced us married. When I discovered a year or so later that I was pregnant again, I couldn't even consider the idea of giving that man a child, no matter how much I wanted another one." The con-woman looked Mary straight in the eyes and confided her deepest secret to her. "Don't ever tell Ezra about this, but I found a doctor who would help me get rid of it. I wanted that child so much, but I had no prospect of getting away from him, and even if I had, he would have found me if he learned there was a baby."
"Maude...I'm so sorry." Mary reached out and took the older woman's hand. "That had to be horrible."
"It was. Emotionally, I've never been quite the same since then." Maude looked away from Mary, feeling very vulnerable by revealing so much deeply personal information. "That doctor was such a quack that he nearly killed me. He caused so much damage that I nearly bled to death, and then there was a severe infection that almost finished me off. I was delirious with fever and pain. After that I was never able to get pregnant again."
"That's why you refuse to go to a doctor for as long as you can? Ezra mentioned that you hate to see a doctor."
The con-woman nodded. "Yes, an experience like that can put a real fear into you. Mary, I kept my pregnancy a secret because Ezra's stepfather was a cruel man, but Ezra isn't like that."
"I can't saddle Ezra with a wife who can't give him children. I just can't."
"Even if you still won't go through with the wedding, he needs to know. He loves you, and he deserves to know what you based your decision on." Maude sat up a little straighter and looked straight into Mary's eyes. "If you don't tell him, I will."
"Don't do that, please!" Mary begged.
"I'll give you until the end of the week to tell him yourself, or I'll tell him. It would be better if it came from you though. If you really think about it, I'm sure you'll realize that it is the right thing to do." The con-woman had no intention of changing her mind on this one. She could not stand to see her son so brokenhearted.
"You really would, wouldn't you?"
"Yes, I would," Maude agreed.
"All right, I'll think about it." Mary did not want Ezra to find out from someone else, so she was pretty sure that she would end up finding a way to tell Ezra about the second baby. She just had no idea how yet.
Chapter Eighteen
Mary tossed and turned, willing sleep to take her, but it eluded her. It seemed to be siding with Maude and insisting that she come to terms with Ezra and tell him the truth. She had thought it would be easier for him if he thought it was just her own change of heart. The loss of the first child had hurt him terribly, and the last thing she wanted was to see him go through that again. However, Maude was right. He had the right to know.
Once she decided she would see him first thing in the morning, sleep finally accepted her into its realm. Her dreams were vivid but disjointed. Bits and pieces of past events flashed through her mind and she woke with her heart aching from those memories of what she was giving up.
She decided not to bother with breakfast or even coffee. Billy had spent the night at the Potters’ so she had no need to dawdle now that her mind was made up. If she put it off any longer she might change her mind again.
Mary tossed a shawl around her shoulders and stepped out into the cold. She shivered when the icy wind whipped right through the open weave of the wrap. For a moment she considered going back for her coat, but if she turned around now and went back inside, she knew she would not come out again. Steeling herself against the bitter wind, Mary hurried down the boardwalk and then across the street to the saloon.
It was mid-morning and most likely Ezra was still asleep. From what Maude and the others had told her, if he was losing himself in the bottle every day, then first thing when he woke up was the most likely time to catch him sober.
Inez looked up when she heard the door open and watched Mary as she crossed the room. "Is there something I can do for you?" She was torn between her two friends, and it hurt to see them both in so much anguish.
"Is Ezra still upstairs?" Mary Travis kept her voice low so the couple of early patrons would not be able to hear her.
"Si." Inez watched her intently, wondering where this was going.
"Will you give me the spare key, please?" The blonde leaned on the bar to steady her shaking knees.
"Mary, do you think that is wise? Hasn't he been hurt enough?" The barkeep hesitated. The gambler would be furious if she let Mary have the key, but if there was even a slim chance that it could lead to them working things out she wanted to see them happy.
"Yes, but I have to tell him the truth. Please?" She chewed her bottom lip and stared at the top of the bar, afraid to see the reproach in the young Mexican's eyes.
Inez reached under the bar and got the spare key out of the box she kept there and laid it in front of Mary. "He should have been told before now," she scolded her friend.
"I know." She picked up the key and glanced up at Inez. "Thank you."
It took considerable effort to avoid looking at the ranch hands who watched her walk up the stairs. She was self-conscious enough, but knowing they watched her every move made her even more so. It was a relief when she reached the relative privacy of the hallway outside the sleeping rooms.
After a couple of deep breaths, Mary raised her hand and knocked lightly on the door. When there was no answer she tried a little harder.
"GO AWAY!" The tone of the gambler's voice hit her like a slap in the face.
"Ezra, it's Mary. I need to talk to you." She waited but there was no response. Not to be deterred, Mary put the key to use and unlocked the door, and cautiously pushed it open. Ezra was trying to sit up in bed and reach for his gun at the same time. Fortunately the effects of yesterday's alcohol still had him a little uncoordinated.
"Ezra." Mary spoke his name again and felt her heart break all over again when she saw the despair in his eyes when he finally looked at her. "I need to talk to you. I know you don't want to hear anything I have to say right now, but this is important." She moved farther into the room and closed the door behind her.
Ezra tossed the covers aside, unconcerned about his nakedness, and went to get the pants he had thrown against the wall when he took them off the night before. After he pulled them on, he turned back to face Mary. "What makes you think I want to talk now? It wasn't important enough to talk to me about it the other night when you were ripping my heart out and handing it back to me," he snapped at her. For a fleeting moment he regretted the venom in his words, but then his own misery gripped him again, and he found he could not feel sorry for the hurt his words had obviously inflicted.
"Yes it was, but I couldn't bring myself to tell you." Her legs shook and threatened to buckle under her. Mary had to sit down, and the closest place was on the foot of Ezra's bed.
"Aren't you worried that closing the door might further sully your reputation?" The gambler's words delivered another blow.
"It was never about my reputation, and you know that," she snapped back. "Something happened while you were gone, and it is the real reason I can't marry you. I wanted to spare you as much hurt as I could, and adding this to me breaking off our engagement seemed even more cruel."
The strain in her voice caught Ezra's attention, and he really looked at her for the first time since she entered his room. She had not been handling their separation well either. The dark circles under her eyes and the haunted look that clouded them caught him off-guard. His fingers shook as he nervously combed them through his sleep-tousled hair. "More cruel? I find that hard to believe."
"I thought it would be." Now that he seemed to be calming down a little, she patted the mattress hoping that he would sit down so they could be more at eye level. When he sat he made sure to avoid touching her in any way. "Ezra...I.." She stared at her hands in her lap as she struggled to find the right words.
"Well? You what?" Standish's patience was quickly wearing thin, and the pounding inside his head was not helping matters.
"Right after you left...I realized that I might be...." She faltered again and chewed her lip as she tried to continue.
"Just say it!" he growled. When he saw her flinch at his tone, he sighed and tried to rein in his frustration. "Just tell me, Mary.”
"I thought I might be pregnant." Her voice was barely above a whisper.
"Pregnant?" Ezra's mind reeled as it tried to grasp what she was saying through the haze of a hangover from hell. "Surely you weren't concerned that I wouldn't do right by you if you were."
"No. I had no doubts about that." She swallowed and plunged on ahead while she still had the nerve. "It turned out that I was pregnant."
The momentary surge of joy plummeted away just as quickly when her real meaning hit him. "Was?"
"Was. I lost it!" The words came tumbling out now that she had opened up. "Ezra, don't you see? I might never be able to carry a baby for you. I love you so much that I can't do that to you." She started to weep and buried her face in her hands, unable to look at the man she loved.
"That's why you won't marry me?" All the anger from the last few days drained away in that instant when he saw her nod her head yes. He felt numb, and then the full impact of what he had just heard hit him and lifted his spirit. She still loved him.
"Mary, don't cry, darlin'." Ezra said as he pulled her hands away from her face and tipped her head up so she had to look at him. "Mary, I love you. There is no one else and never will be anyone else for me. I would love to have children with you, but we don't have to have babies to make our life together complete." The gambler gathered her in his arms and held her close. "Don't you see? I want you and Billy in my life, and I couldn't love him any more if he was my own flesh and blood." He leaned away from her far enough to look her in the eyes without letting go. "Mary, he's a part of you; as far as I'm concerned he's my son, just as much as if he had been born mine. We already have our family."
He held her, gently rubbing her back, when she laid her head on his shoulder and cried. "Everything is all right," he whispered. "You shouldn't have had to go through all of that alone."
"I'm so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?" Mary sniffed loudly and hiccupped as she tried to stop crying.
"Darlin', I already have." After placing a soft kiss on top of her head and hugging her even tighter, the gambler felt some of the tension leave her and she leaned more fully against him. "But, don't ever keep something like that from me again."
"I promise I won't." She clung to him, afraid to let go.
As much as Ezra wanted to shower her with kisses, he held himself back. There was more they needed to settle, and this was the time to do it. "Mary, one thing I thought we had built between us was trust, and there can't be trust without complete honesty," he said as he gently stroked her hair. "I know that I'm not always above reproach in my chosen profession, but that isn't between us. We have to be sure of each other, even if we can't be sure of anyone else around us."
Mary nodded in agreement, knowing that Ezra would be able to feel the gesture against his shoulder. "I won't let it happen again."
"Good. Now, will you take the ring back?" The conman held his breath as he waited for her answer.
"I think you need to hear the rest of it before you ask that." She finally relinquished her hold on him, and sat back allowing him to hold her hand to keep from breaking all physical contact with him.
Ezra Standish closed his eyes and drew in a deep slow breath and braced himself for whatever was coming next. "There's more?"
"Remember when Nathan found out we were...well...you know." The blush that flared in her cheeks said as much as her words did. "He told us both that it wouldn't be wise for me to get in a family way again too soon."
"I remember."
"He took me aside after he talked to both of us, and gave me a pretty stern lecture." The hint of a smile curled her lips when she remembered how flustered Nathan had been. "He felt like it could be very dangerous for me if that were to happen again too soon, so he showed me how to make a tea that was supposed to help me to not get pregnant. There was no guarantee it would work, but Vin had told him that the Indians said it was fairly effective."
"Mr. Tanner is privy to our personal relations as well?" It went against his sensibilities to have so many people knowing about his intimacies with Mary. He had always been a very private person, and now it seemed that everyone knew what went on in his bedroom.
"No more that anyone else, other than Josiah and Nathan. Vin was the one who showed Nathan how to make the tea that kept me from bleeding to death when I lost....when I lost the first baby." It still hurt to mention anything relating to that incident, but the loss of the child was by far the hardest to accept. "He taught Nathan some other remedies and this tea was one of them. He said it could help keep women from getting pregnant, or if it was brewed very strong and taken more often it could cause the loss of an unwanted child."
Ezra's eyes grew wide and the by way he looked at her, with that hint of accusation in his eyes, she felt certain that he was wondering if she'd deliberately set out to lose the baby. She rushed ahead before that thought had time to take root too strongly. "I didn't do that, but I did drink it like I should to try to avoid another mishap. Now I can't help but wonder if that played a part in me losing this baby." Mary held his hand between hers and looked him straight in the eyes, seeing the uncertainty that lurked in their green depths. "I asked Nathan not to tell you that part. I didn't want you worrying over something that was out of your control, and I felt that once I'd had time to recover completely that I wouldn't have any trouble having another baby. If this hadn't happened, I would have gone ahead with our plans without a second thought, but when I lost this one, all I could think of was that you deserved a woman who could give you the family I know you want."
"You should have trusted me enough to tell me what Mr. Jackson had said. I wouldn't have taken the chance of risking your life to satisfy my own desires." The conman felt half sick at the thought that he could have lost Mary and the baby, all because he could not control himself where she was concerned.
"They were my desires too, Ezra. I needed to be with you just as much as you needed me." Green eyes locked with green and they both knew that what she said was true. What had taken place between them was by mutual consent, and it had not always been him that had initiated it.
"If I had known, there were other things we could have done to avoid such an occurrence."
"But I didn't want to give up any part of what we had," she insisted. "I honestly thought drinking the tea would be all that I needed. We'd gone for months with nothing happening, so I figured it was working, and I guess it was, until I ran out around Thanksgiving and it was almost two weeks before I could get any more. Nathan had to get it from the Seminole village."
Ezra Standish shook his head and sighed in frustration. "Mary, if you hadn't kept all this secret, we could have kept this from happening. It doesn't have to be only your responsibility."
"I know that now. I guess I was still just a little embarrassed discussing it, even with you." A huge weight had been lifted when she finally confessed to all the secrets she had kept, but the relief was short lived, and it was followed by fear. "What if..." She shivered visibly as the thought crossed her mind. "What if I did something that caused me to lose the baby? What if it was the tea? I started drinking it again as soon as I got more. Maybe drinking it while I was pregnant caused it."
"Darlin', there was no way you could have known that soon that you were with child. It wasn't your fault. But I think we need to go have a talk with Nathan and see what else he can tell us about it." Ezra cupped her face in his hands and drew her near enough to kiss. He had intended to keep it in check, but it had been so long since he had felt her in his arms and felt her respond to his touch. Their need to breathe finally forced them apart, and they both sat gasping for air.
Before he could be tempted to do more, the gambler stood up and went to his closet for fresh clothes. When he came back out, he smiled when he saw Mary had laid out his shaving supplies. He made quick work of his morning ablutions, and when he slipped his jacket on he felt in the pocket and smiled.
Mary's eyes lit up when she saw what he had held out in his hand. The gold ring was even more beautiful than it had been before. Perhaps because she had come so close to losing it and the man that came with it. "Are you sure?" She looked at him anxiously.
"Absolutely! Without you, I have no life worth living." Ezra took her hand and gently kissed the back of it, before turning it over and trailing kisses across her palm. "I love you. Say you'll marry me."
They both nearly toppled over when Mary threw her arms around his neck and pulled him to her for another heated kiss. "Yes, I'll marry you," she said breathlessly when their lips parted.
Ezra slipped the ring back on her finger and then kissed it where it touched her skin. "Perhaps we should let everyone know the wedding is back on." He winked at her and then bowed slightly and gestured to the door, noticing that suddenly his hangover was much improved. "After you, my dear."
All heads turned when they walked down the stairs together. Word had apparently gotten out that she had gone to see him, and all the remaining members of their band of peacekeepers had gathered at their usual table, trying unsuccessfully to look nonchalant about it. The two ranch hands were nowhere to be seen, but Inez watched from behind the bar, searching the couple's faces for any clue as to what had happened upstairs. When they were almost to the table where the others waited, Mary glanced back toward Inez and held her hand up behind Ezra's back for the barkeep to catch a glimpse of the ring that was back on her finger.
The shrill squeal that split the silence caught everyone off guard and everyone's attention was yanked in her direction. Inez turned bright red and quickly ducked behind the bar in pretext of gathering some glasses off the lower shelf.
They stood and faced the men seated around the table, both feeling a little apprehensive. After everything they had all been through these last few days in dealing with the two despondent lovers, neither would have been surprised if the men were less than thrilled by their announcement.
"Well?" Buck grew impatient and tried to prod the gambler into saying something.
"Well, what?" Standish hedged for a moment while he collected his thoughts. He wanted to be able to defend their decision if the need arose, and he still was not thinking as fast on his feet as usual.
"Did you two patch things up or not?" Wilmington came straight to the point.
Ezra grinned, flashing his dimples, as he lifted Mary's hand to show them that she once again wore his ring. "We did."
"Well all right! I knew you two would come to yer senses." The ladies' man jumped up and rounded the table to give Mary a hug and to congratulate them both. When he started to shake the gambler's hand, he changed his mind and pulled him into a rib-cracking bear hug, complete with plenty of back slapping. "Ah, hell, Ezra. A handshake just doesn't say enough this time."
"No it doesn't." Chris stepped in and caught the gambler in a brotherly hug, one that was not quite as bone crushing, but then the gunman was still on the mend from his gunshot wound. Ezra had no doubt that he could have cracked a few ribs too, if he'd been in peak form. "Congratulations." He hugged Mary after he let Ezra go and gave her a chaste kiss on the cheek. "I'm glad to see you two worked things out."
The next few minutes were a flurry of well wishes, back slaps, hugs, and kisses as each man took his turn congratulating the couple. When things finally started to settle down, Ezra pulled the spare key out of his pocket and crossed the room to give it to Inez. "Can I trust you to keep this safe?"
"Si, Senor Ezra." The pretty Mexican hung her head; she had known that he would not be happy that she had let that key out of her possession.
"Inez." The gambler paused until she raised her eyes to look at him. "Thank you." He leaned over the bar and kissed her lightly on the cheek. "We could not ask for a better friend."
Standish rejoined the others and wrapped an arm around Mary where she stood waiting for him. "I don't want to put a damper on this celebration but, Mr. Jackson, we need to speak to you privately, if you would, please."
Nathan glanced from one to the other and could not tell if they were angry with him or what they could possibly want. "Sure, ya want t' go over to the clinic?" He gulped the last of his coffee and stood.
"This might take awhile. Come with us and I'll make us all some coffee." Mary did not wait for a reply, she simply took for granted that the healer would follow them.
After a few steps, Ezra stopped and turned back for a moment. "Mr. Tanner, if you would join us, please."
"Me?" The tracker was taken completely by surprise and was instantly a little apprehensive.
"You are the only Mr. Tanner here," the gambler pointed out.
"Uh... sure, Ezra." Vin cast a look in Chris' direction hoping their leader would intervene, but no help was forthcoming. With a backward glance as he crossed the room, he followed Nathan out the door.
Once in the kitchen Ezra helped Mary start the fire in the stove and while they waited for it to heat enough to make coffee, they all sat down at the table. Nathan and Vin both looked apprehensive.
"Gentlemen, we didn't ask you here to subject you to the Inquisition. We need information and the two of you are the ones who have it." Ezra slipped his hand over Mary's where she had it resting on the table. "We need to know everything you can tell us about this tea you gave to Mary. Could it have had anything to do with Mary losing the baby?"
"What tea?" Vin brows furrowed in thought as he tried to remember any instance when he had been involved with giving Mary tea. "You mean the tea we gave her to stop her bleeding back when Chris..." He stopped in mid-sentence and took another approach. "Back early in the summer? That couldn't have caused it; it had already happened."
"I don't think he means then, Vin," Nathan commented.
"No, I don't. Could drinking that tea while she was pregnant the second time have anything to do with her losing the baby?" Ezra noticed the look of surprise on Vin's face.
"I don't think so. Not if she didn't fix it too strong or drink it more often than she should." The healer shifted uncomfortably, suddenly feeling like he was about to take the blame for that miscarriage.
"I fixed it just the way you showed me, and I drank one cup every morning like you said to do," Mary said in her defense. "But remember that time I ran out of it for a couple weeks?" She continued when she saw the healer nod. "The closest I can figure is it must have been then, and then I went back to drinking the tea when you got more for me."
"You talkin' about that tea I told you about that can help keep a woman from gettin' in a family way?" The light was coming on as the tracker started piecing things together.
"Yes, Mr. Tanner. I'm aware that you were just as much in the dark as to what was happening back here while we were gone as I was, but I wanted you here to tell us what you can about this tea, since you were the one who instructed Mr. Jackson in its preparation and use." Standish waited for Mary to rejoin them, when she got up to put the pot on for coffee. "Don't take this the wrong way. We aren't blaming either of you for what happened. We just want to know as much as we can so hopefully it won't happen again."
"I can't rightly say, since I don't know what happened." Vin looked from one to the other hoping someone would see fit to enlighten him.
"I don't know all the details either, yet, so we can find out together." Ezra looked at Nathan and waited for him to speak up.
"Inez came after me a few days after y'all rode out. She'd gone t' see Mary, and found her dealin' with stomach cramps, and she all of a sudden started bleedin'. She was losin' a baby, an' there was nothin' I could do to stop it." Nathan fell silent a moment and watched Ezra's reaction before he continued. "I don't know if the tea could have had anything to do with it or not. I don't think so, though."
"No, it wouldn't have caused that," Vin added. The old Indian woman who taught me about it said it would only help, unless it was steeped until it was very strong and drank several times a day. She said they used it for all kinds of women's ailments, and there was something about it that could keep a woman from gettin' that way if she was drinkin' it before, but if she was drinkin' it after it could make things go easier. Seemed strange to me that the same thing could work two different ways, but it did. I saw her give it to the younger women, and it never hurt them."
"That is what I had hoped to hear, Mr. Tanner." The gambler turned and looked intently into Mary's eyes. "Now will you stop blaming yourself? You did nothing to jeopardize our child."
"Thank you, Vin. I really needed to hear that," Mary confessed.
"Listen, I don't mean to be the dark cloud here, but since she's told ya about this, I feel like ya should know the rest." Nathan decided he had kept Mary's secrets long enough, and that since they affected Ezra too, he should know everything. "There's a chance Mary might have been hurt even worse than we thought that first time."
"If you are planning to tell me there is a chance she can never have another child, I already know that." Ezra squeezed the hand he'd been holding and was pleased to feel her return the gesture. "But, thank you for offering to tell me."
The four continued to talk over coffee, and eventually over lunch as well. By the time Nathan and Vin left in the mid-afternoon, Mary and Ezra were much more at peace with what had happened. Now they felt like they could move on and start putting all the pain and loss behind them.
Chapter Nineteen
"I really should go," Ezra said for about the sixth time.
"Do you have to?" Mary wrapped her arms around him, as they cuddled on the settee in the small parlor.
"You know I do. If I stay any longer, it will be hard for me to leave at all tonight. I am not taking any chances that we might lose our grasp on reason and end up upstairs in your bed." The gambler hugged her close and kissed her on top of the head.
Mary lifted her head from his shoulder and sighed. "I guess I'm afraid you'll change your mind if you have time to go and think about it."
"No. That will not happen. Not in this lifetime." He stood and took her hands to pull her to her feet. He wrapped his arms around her for one last kiss before he went back to his room.
"You'll be here in the morning for breakfast?"
"With bells on," he said as he stepped out the front door of the Clarion office. "Good night, Darlin'."
"Good night." Mary watched him go before she closed the door and headed upstairs to bed.
+ + + + + + +
Ezra felt deliriously happy as he walked back toward the saloon. He glanced at his pocket watch by the light of one of the fires used to light the street; just a little after eleven. He was sure his mother would still be awake, and he wanted to thank her for her part in getting him back together with Mary. Mary had told him of Maude's visit, but she had kept her word and had not divulged all of what her future mother-in-law had told her.
He detoured into the hotel since it was on his way back to the saloon, deciding to check there for his mother first. When he reached her door he could see the faint glow of the oil lamp under her door. He knocked softly, so as not to wake anyone in nearby rooms. He tried a little harder the second time. "Mother? Are you there?"
There was no response, but he was sure she had to be there. She never went off and left the lamps burning, unless she was only going to be a few minutes. He tried the knob and was surprised to find it unlocked. That really was not like his mother to be careless like that, whether she was in the room or not.
"Mother?" The gambler eased into the room and immediately caught sight of his mother curled up in a ball of pain on the bed. Her face was ghastly white, and she was soaking wet with sweat. She lay with her knees drawn up as tightly as she could against her belly, and wrapped her arms around them to hold them in place.
Ezra rushed to the bedside and dropped to his knees next to the bed. "Mother! What is it? What's wrong?" Gently he swept some loose strands of hair out of her face, afraid that she was not coherent enough to respond to him.
Finally, she opened her eyes and looked at him through a haze of pain. With a shaky hand she reached out to stroke his face. "My darling boy...I didn't want you to see me like this."
"What is it? Are you ill? Did someone hurt you?" He was starting to become frantic when he realized just how badly his mother was hurting, when he heard her moan.
"Nothing we have any control of," she dropped her hand back to the bed and hissed when another sharp pain laced through her stomach. "No one hurt me."
"I'm going to get Nathan," he announced. "And I don't care how much you protest, you aren't talking me out of it." He did not give her a chance to argue, he ran out of the room and down the stair. It was a close call with the front door at the hotel when he nearly ran his hand through the glass, after missing the door frame in his haste to push it open.
The gambler entered the saloon at a run hoping Nathan would be there and he would not have to go all the way to the clinic to find him. He quickly searched the room, taking in all the faces and not registering any but Nathan's.
The healer jumped to his feet when he saw the panic in Ezra's eyes. He was already putting on his coat and starting toward the southerner before the gambler had a chance to speak. "Is something wrong with Mary?"
"My mother," Standish managed to say. "Something is seriously wrong."
The two men rushed through the street and bounded up the steps two at a time on the way up to Maude's room. Not far behind them, Josiah hurried and said a silent prayer that the con-woman would be all right.
Vin stayed behind to keep an eye on Chris. Nathan had relented and let the gunman come out to eat his dinner, and they had all been sitting and talking since then. A few minutes later and they would have been back at Nathan's, since the healer had told them for the second time that he was making him go back to bed soon.
Buck saw the flurry of activity and managed to get the tracker's attention from where he sat at the next table having a late snack with Inez. "What's up?" he called out to Tanner.
"Maude's sick. Nathan's goin' t' check on her."
"Think we should go too?" Wilmington asked, concerned about how distressed Ezra had been. The gambler did not rattle that easily.
"If they need us for anything, someone will send for us. Knowing Maude, she would not appreciate everyone piling in on her if she isn't feeling well." Chris was worried too, but he tried not to let it show. He had seen Ezra go through all sorts of bad experiences, but the look in his eyes tonight was one he had never seen there before.
+ + + + + + +
Ezra did not even pause when he got to Maude's door. He shoved it open and they both burst into the room to find her clutching her stomach and losing her battle against tears.
Nathan went straight to her and sat on the edge of the bed so he could talk to her without her having him towering over her. "Maude." He took her hand and looked her in the eyes. What he saw there had him worried. Besides the pain, he saw fear. He had never known Maude to be afraid of anything. "Tell me where yer hurtin'."
"My stomach," she hissed through clinched teeth. "Can you give me something for the pain?" She grimaced as another cramp gripped her and panted for breath until it eased enough that she could talk. "I'm out of laudanum."
"How long have ya been dealin' with this?" Finding out Maude had been relying on laudanum to control the pain had Nathan even more worried. "Have ya seen a doctor?"
"No. Don't like doctors."
"I kind'a figured that, considerin' the way you've been actin' anytime anyone suggested you should come an' see me. I ain't a doctor, Maude, but I'm the closest there is here." He squeezed her hand to try and offer some reassurance. "I'll do what I can to help ya, if ya will let me."
Maude did not hesitate this time to accept his help. "Please."
"I'm gonna have t' ask you some questions, some of 'em might get really personal, but I need ya t' give me an honest answer. Understand?" He waited until she nodded in agreement. "How long has this been goin' on?"
"Several months. It just keeps getting worse." A tear rolled down the side of her face further dampening her pillow.
Ezra sat on the opposite side of her, his head hanging in despair. "Why didn't you tell me, Mother?"
Maude fought through the gripping pain and managed to turn enough to reach for his hand. "I didn't want you to have to go through all of this again."
Nathan interrupted their exchange. "I know yer hurtin' real bad, but I need ya t' turn over on yer back, so I can examine you." Ezra helped him get her turned over and then gripped her hand again. "Maude, I need to feel yer stomach, and I can tell more if I don't have t' feel through several layers of clothes. I'm just gonna reach under yer dress, but I promise that I'll keep ya covered."
"I don't care if you have to strip me naked, if you can just make it stop hurting," Maude groaned. When she felt Nathan pressing on her tender abdomen, she gasped and clung to her son's hand.
"You should have told me." Ezra used his handkerchief to wipe the sweat from her face. "I stayed by Julia's side, and I'm not leaving yours either."
Nathan glanced up at the gambler, but continued to press on Maude's stomach, feeling for any lumps that might give him a clue about what was happening with her. "Who's Julia?"
"My first wife," Ezra explained, while keeping his eyes locked on his mother. "She died from a tumor in her womb."
The grief that passed over the gambler's face spoke volumes. He had obviously loved this woman, and had stuck by her through a horrible death. Now he was worried that he was facing the same thing with his mother. Nathan's heart went out to the man, and he hoped it was not something that seriously wrong with Maude.
He had poked and prodded all around her midsection, and then covered the whole area again, just to be sure he had not missed anything. All the books he had read said that he would probably be able to feel a hard lump if she had a tumor big enough to do this to her, but he had not felt anything that seemed like it was not normal. "Maude, how old are you?"
"Forty-eight."
The healer nodded. "Tell me, have ya still been havin' yer monthly?"
"Mr. Jackson, that isn't something I discuss," she was mortified that he would mention something like that, especially in front of her son.
"Ya said you'd be honest with me," he reminded her.
Finally, Maude nodded. "Yes, I have." She blushed and looked away from her son, too embarrassed to look him in the eyes.
"Have they changed any? Lastin' longer, more or less bleedin' than usual?" He tried to sound as matter-of-fact as possible, like real doctors he had seen talking to their patients, hoping it would put her more at ease.
"Longer, and more," she admitted.
"Ya been havin' spells where ya get so hot ya can't hardly stand it?"
Maude looked at him in surprise. "Yes. How would you know that?”
"I bet ya been wakin' up in the night all sweaty too," he added.
The con-woman nodded and looked nervously at her son, before facing the healer again. "What is it? Am I dying?"
"No, yer not dying. Ya can check with a real doctor next time ya can see one t' be sure, but it sounds t' me like yer goin' through the change of life." He was reasonably confident in his diagnosis. She had all the symptoms he'd read about, and she was the right age.
"The change of life?" She had no idea what he was talking about. "I don't understand."
"How can ya be such a woman of the world an' not know about the change?“ The puzzled expression on her face seemed genuine.
"I vaguely remember hearing some women I once knew whispering about an acquaintance going through the change. I had no idea what they were talking about, but I didn't want to sound stupid by asking." Maude had relaxed slightly when she heard Nathan say she was not dying, but she was still apprehensive about whatever this change was that she was supposed to be going through.
"Weren't there any women in yer life that ever explained those woman kind of things t' ya?"
"No. I learned about things when they happened to me." She looked up at Nathan and explained how her life had been. "In my line of work, you don't tend to make any lasting friendships."
Jackson patted her on the hand. "What's happenin' t' ya is normal. It's just a part of gettin' older. From what I've read about it, it hits women at different ages, but usually when they are forty-five or older," he explained. "Ya have all the signs of it, but it doesn't affect all women the same. Some don't have many symptoms at all, and some like you are hit hard by it. Not all women have this kind of pain, but some do."
"How long before she's better?" Ezra asked, relieved that it was not something life threatening.
"Can last a few months or even a few years. Depends on the woman." He directed his comments back to Maude. "All this is is yer body, leavin' yer child bearin' years. Yer monthlies will stop, and after that most of the other problems will go away."
"I have to live with this pain for years?" Maude clutched at her stomach willing the pain to stop.
"I can tell ya some things t' do to help, so maybe ya won't need the laudanum. That's stuff ya really don't want t' take if ya don't have to." He noticed Ezra's face drain of color as he turned avoided looking at them, and decided there must be a story behind that too. "The books say that heat can ease up the cramps. I have an idea that might help."
He got up and crossed the room to the heating stove and sat the bedwarmer on top of it and then looked around for a towel. After a few minutes he returned and folded the towel into a heavy pad before laying it across her stomach. He then sat the bedwarmer on top of it, making sure to steady it by keeping hold of the long handle. "This is kind of awkward, but it will do fer now. Once we get ya a little more comfortable, I'll figure out somethin' that will work better that ya can manage on yer own."
When the heat began to penetrate the heavy cloth, Maude felt the muscle spasms begin to ease up. After several minutes she drifted off to sleep, exhausted from battling the pain.
"If ya will hold this, I'll go see what I can dig up that she can use easier. Just feel under the cloth every couple minutes to be sure it isn't gettin' too hot. If ya think it is, take this away fer a few minutes then put it back." Nathan waited until Ezra took his place before relinquishing his grip on the handle and preparing to leave.
"Mr. Jackson," Ezra reached out with his free hand to grasp the healer's arm. When Nathan turned back to face him he continued. "Thank you."
Nathan patted the southerner's hand and smiled at him. "That's what I'm here for."
+ + + + + + +
Josiah had been waiting in the hall, and he accosted Nathan as soon as he came out the door. "How is she?"
"She'll be fine," Nathan assured him.
"Thank the Lord." Josiah said a silent prayer of thanks, as he fell into step next to Jackson. "Can I go in and see her?"
"Not just now. She's asleep."
Josiah was disappointed that he could not go in and check on her, but he did not want to disturb her. "What's wrong with her, Nathan?"
"Josiah, there's some things that's personal to a woman, and I don't think she'd like me talkin' about it with anyone." When he saw the crestfallen look on the older man's face he relented. "All right. I'll tell ya, but ya can't let her know that I did."
"Of course," Sanchez agreed. "Is it bad?"
"She's just goin' through the change.”
"Ah, I see." He thought about it for a moment. "Didn't she have any idea what it was?"
"Not a clue. You got any ideas what we could used to heat up to warm her belly? Somethin' that'll hold heat a while?"
The preacher grinned and nodded. "I know just the thing. I have a flat stone that I got from a Mexican woman. She used it to cook on. It isn't one of the big ones they used, so I don't think it will be too heavy."
"Let's go check it out."
Chapter Twenty
Mary was waiting for Ezra when he stepped into the Clarion office. She had been awake for a couple of hours, and she had gotten Billy up and dressed. Her son must have asked her a dozen times how much longer it would be before Ezra got there.
After giving his betrothed a kiss and tousling the boy's hair, the gambler opened the door and waited on them to step outside. "Well, she's all packed."
"Are you sorry to see her go?" Mary had been pleased to see the relationship between Ezra and Maude evolving into the kind of relationship the gambler had always wanted with his mother.
"Yes, I am. I never thought the day would come when I honestly wished she would stay." Standish grinned sheepishly and glanced at Mary. "Are you sorry to see her go?"
"Yes, but she said she would be back for the wedding, and that's not that far away." She had really grown fond of Ezra's mother, and the confidences they had shared seemed to create a common bond between the two women.
The fright that the gambler had the week before, when he thought Maude was dying had had a similar effect on the two of them. He had been forced to confront his feelings for his mother in a way he had never had to before. "Only ten weeks." He laid his hand over hers where it rested in the crook of his arm. "I'm still all for just doing it now, before you change your mind again," Ezra teased.
"We can't get married without the Judge and Evie here too." Mary Travis realized too late that she had been baited by her intended. "Oh, you!" She feigned irritation at him.
"Good morning!" Maude greeted them as soon as they stepped through the door of the restaurant "How are you this morning?" she asked Billy as she gave him a hug.
"Hungry!"
"Billy!" Mary blushed at her son's comment. Here they were having a last meal with the woman who was soon to be his grandmother, and all he could think of was food.
"It's all right, dear. He's a growing boy." She grinned at the child and led him to a table near the window. "Let's see what we can get to fill you up. What do you want for breakfast?"
"Can I have flapjacks, mama?" Billy loved the griddle cakes but he was not allowed to have them very often, because his mother did not think he needed all that sweet syrup at breakfast. He looked at his mother and she nodded her approval. "I want flapjacks with lots of syrup," he told Maude.
The short time they had before the stage left was up almost before they knew it. They had talked about the wedding, and the future, and Ezra had asked her again if she would change her mind and stay, but to no avail.
"My darlin' boy, I have things I simply must take care of, but I will be back for the wedding. I would not miss it for the world." She had already said her farewells to Josiah and the others, and all she had left to do was to say good-bye to Ezra. Maude Standish and her son hugged, and neither of them wanted to let go of the other. When they heard the stage driver call for the last time, they finally released each other and Ezra kissed her on the cheek. "Please, hurry back."
"I will, darlin', I promise." She managed to get a last quick hug in for Mary and Billy before taking Ezra's hand for him to help her up into the stage. Just before the stage began to move Maude leaned her head out the window. "I love you," she said as she reached out for her son's hand.
Ezra managed to grasp her fingers for just a moment before they were pulled away from him when the stage lurched into motion. "I love you, too." The smile on his mother's face as she waved good-bye warmed his heart, and he waved back as he watched the stage until it was out of sight.
"She'll be back," Mary reminded him.
"I know, but I miss her already," he said, and realized that he really meant it.
Mary hugged him and then gathered her son up to take him home. She would see Ezra later at lunch.
After Mary left, and the other members of their group began to disperse, Nathan lagged behind to walk with Ezra. "There's somethin' I've been wantin' t' ask ya."
"What would that be, Mr. Jackson?""Will ya tell me about Julia?" Nathan asked.
At last, Ezra felt some of the grief he had carried for so long was gone, and thinking about Julia was not as painful as it had been. Now, for the first time other than when he had told Mary about her, he felt like he was ready to talk about that chapter in his past, and he found himself following Nathan back to the clinic. "Yes, I will, but it is a long story. How long do you have?"
"As long as it takes."
THE END
(Until the wedding)