Ezra grabbed for his gun when his door slammed open, but luckily he recognized the healer before he opened fire. With an effort, he steadied his breathing and slid the gun back into the holster hanging on his headboard. "Mr. Jackson, to what do I owe this rude intrusion upon my slumber?"Nathan pushed the door closed and threw the latch on it. In two steps he reached the bed, hauled the gambler to his feet and threw him across the room. Before the smaller man could regain his footing his assailant yanked him up and pinned him forcefully against the wall. "I'd oughta just turn Chris loose on ya, but I got more respect for Mrs. Travis than that."
"I am afraid I don't follow your references, Mr. Jackson." He struggled to speak, but made no effort to move, despite the pressure being exerted on his ribs. It would not surprise him to hear one of them crack.
"He trusted ya to keep her safe," Nathan growled at him. "Never figured he'd need to keep her safe from the likes of you. You and yer gentleman ways." The healer leaned in closer and spoke in low menacing tones. "Ya had yer way with her! Ya went and got her pregnant!" He slammed the smaller man against the wall one last time, then let go and turned away in disgust. "Just when I think ya can't sink no lower, ya find a way to do it. Ya go an' force yerself on the one ya were supposed to protect."
Ezra stared at the healer's back, shocked by this attack, but shocked even more by the words the big man had spoken. "Mr. Jackson, I assure you…"
"Don't ya go tryin' to assure me of nothin'. I just came from her bedside where she'd been pukin' her guts up."
"There are other reasons for someone to become ill, a fact of which I am certain you are well aware," Ezra wheezed.
"Ya weren't there! I'd just come back in from emptyin' her pot where she'd been sick in it. She didn't know I was back. She knows what's wrong an' she don't know what to do 'bout it."
Nathan began to pace the room, reminding Ezra of the caged panther he had once seen in a zoo back east. "Mr. Jackson, you could well be mistaken in your assumptions." He tried to calm him but his words only made things worse.
"I don't hear ya denyin' whatcha done!"
Ezra took a deep breath and looked the healer straight in the eyes. "I did not force my attentions on her." He spoke slowly, his own tone now taking on an edge of anger.
Nathan rounded on the gambler and backed him up against the dresser. "Don't think yer gonna get me to believe that. Mrs. Travis is one of the most proper ladies I know. She'd never‘ve let ya touch her unless ya forced her, or ya tempted her into it somehow." He looked down in disgust at the smaller man. "I'll wait a few days 'fore I tell Chris whatcha done." Ezra cringed and Nathan nodded in satisfaction to see that some of his words had an impact. "What I wanna know is what ya plan to do about it?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ezra spent that day at his usual table, but he made no attempt to lure anyone into a game of chance. He sipped at his drinks, lost deep in his own thoughts. What if Nathan was right? He'd let his loneliness and his body rule over his better judgement and Mary might be paying for his weakness.
Night came and he still sat at that table. He had moved only when he had to relieve himself. He felt the glare of the healer on him, but he couldn't bring himself to care. All he could think of was that he should have stopped it, both times he could have stopped it.
The saloon emptied and he was left with no choice but to go up to his room, but there would be no sleeping this night. He paced around the room until his legs got too shaky to trust them to hold him upright, then he forced himself to stop and sit in the rocker by the window.
He watched the eastern horizon grow lighter. Color began to streak the sky, and still he sat. Dawn's light drew him up out of the chair, and he made his way silently out into the street. Careful, not to head straight for his destination, he took a roundabout route to Mary's back door. Cautiously, he tripped the latch the way she had told him to that night she had asked him to her bed. Once inside, he eased his way up the stairs so silently even Vin would have been impressed. Her door was open and he could see her still sleeping peacefully. He knew he shouldn't be here like this, but he couldn't stay away. There was a chair just inside her door, and he slipped quietly in and settled there to keep watch over her while she slept.
The peacefulness didn't last long. She moved and moaned as she started to drift up from sleep. Her hand flew to her mouth as she tried to get out of the bed, but her legs were tangled in the covers. Instinctively, Ezra lunged from the chair and grabbed the bucket she now kept sitting by her bed. He was at her side, holding the bucket and leaning her over it when the first wave of nausea hit her. She coughed and gagged bringing on the first round of vomiting. He steadied her and tried to keep her hair back out of the way as the sickness wracked her body. A sound at the door caught his attention and he glanced up to see Billy standing there watching, wide-eyed and scared.
"Billy, wait in your room please." Ezra kept his voice as calm as possible hoping the tone would ease some of the boy's fears. "Everything will be alright. I promise." He was relieved to see the young boy follow his instructions without argument, but it broke his heart to hear the sound of muffled sobs coming from his open door.
It seemed to take forever before he felt it was safe to set the bucket aside and help her to lie back down. He untangled the covers from her legs and smoothed them out over her, before wetting a cloth at the washstand next to her dresser. She looked unnaturally pale when he bathed the cold sweat from her face. Only then did she fully register who was taking care of her.
"Ezra? What are you doing here?" Her voice sounded weak when she tried to talk.
"Mr. Jackson paid me a visit yesterday, and informed me that you had been ill." He brushed the sweat-dampened hair from her face, and brushed his fingers lightly down her cheek. "Why didn't you tell me, Mary?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," she replied.
"Dear lady, never try to con a con man." He moved his hand down to rest it lightly on her stomach. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't really believe it myself until yesterday," she said softly.
He looked directly into her eyes, the tenderness and affection he felt for her clearly evident in his own. "Mary, I have every intention of doing right by you."
She shook her head and looked away from him. "I don't expect that. It was as much my fault as it was yours, probably more. The last time, I asked you, remember?"
"This isn't about which of us is more to blame. This is about this little spark of life that we have created. I couldn't possibly walk away from a child of mine or its mother." He lifted one delicate hand and pressed his lips to her palm.
"But, we don't love each other."
"Marriages have been built on less than the feelings we do share."
They both looked up to see the healer standing in her door. "Thought I would look in on ya after ya was so sick yesterday. Didn't mean to intrude." He nodded his approval to the gambler and turned to go.
Ezra squeezed her hand and laid it back on her belly before stepping out into the hall after Nathan. "Mr. Jackson, if I may have a word with you."
The healer looked at back him. "Ezra, ya shouldn't a let this happen, but I'm glad to see yer doin' the right thing."
"I understand completely, Mr. Jackson, but that was not to be my topic of conversation." His voice softened and he let the gambler's mask slip away allowing Nathan a brief glimpse into his feelings that no one else there other than Mary had seen. "Is this normal for her to be so violently ill?"
"It affects different women in different ways, but no, it ain't normally this bad. I'll see if I can get her some broth, but for now make sure she drinks some water." He headed on down the stairs, leaving Ezra in the hall looking through an open door at a small boy huddled on his bed hugging his pillow.
Standish walked in to sit by Billy and took a few moments to collect his thoughts. He patted the mattress at his side and the boy scrambled over to sit next to the gambler who wrapped a comforting arm around his shoulders. "Billy, look up here at me." The sight of those scared, tear-filled eyes brought a lump to his throat. "You mother will most likely be feelin' ill like this for a while, but I promise you, she will be alright."
Ezra felt the child lean into him and he hugged him closer. "I need you to do something; do you think you can?"
"What?"
If he hadn't been listening for it he would have missed the faint reply. "I need you to promise not to tell anyone about your mother being ill."
"Is Mama gonna die?" Billy looked up at Ezra like he had the weight of the world on his small shoulders.
"No, she's not going to die."
"Is what she's got catchin'?"
"No, but some people might not understand her being sick like this. You know how some people overreact."
"Like that time they burned all those people's wagons 'cause they was sick?"
"Not exactly, but something like that. Can you do that? Can you promise not to tell anyone?" He hated to have to mislead Billy, but they needed some time to make plans before everyone found out. When he felt those small arms wrap around him, he hugged the boy close. "Promise?"
"Promise."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nathan happened to catch Ezra alone in the saloon several days later. "I notice y'all ain't told nobody yet. She won't be able to hide it fer too long, ya know?"
"I am well aware of that, Mr. Jackson. At this point there will be no doubt of the circumstances that precipitated our nuptials. Mary said a couple of additional weeks for her to make some arrangements wouldn't make any difference." Ezra kept his voice low. The saloon was deserted except for the two of them and Inez, and Ezra knew from past experience that there was nothing remotely wrong with Inez's hearing.
"What kind of arrangements? Seems to me she'd be wantin' to get that ring on her finger quick as she could."
"As I said, she is well aware that people will know the circumstances very quickly, whether we got married that day we first talked, or a week or two later. She wants a dress for the occasion, and there is no plausible reason for me to deny her that. Every woman deserves her wedding day, regardless of the reasons for that union." Ezra had tried to convince her to have Josiah perform the marriage right away, but she could be one willful and stubborn woman. In the end he had to admit she was right, a few more days wouldn't really matter.
"Any idea when you'll do it?" The gambler got the distinct impression that Nathan was not going to rest easy until he saw Mary and him married.
"Sunday afternoon, if Josiah will be available. We plan to talk to him later today. That's only four more days, Mr. Jackson. I assure you that I have no plans to bolt and run." Standish gave his friend a wink, to let him know that he knew about Nathan's concerns and had no intention of letting him down again.
"So, we all invited to see ya tie the knot?" Jackson smiled for the first time since he sat down.
"I wouldn't have it any other way," Ezra said, and he meant it.
Chris gave Billy a half-smile when the young boy sat down on the step next to him. "You been keepin' yourself kind of scarce lately. Where you been?"
"Been helpin' Mama."
"I'm sure she appreciates that. You're getting' big enough to be a lot of help to her." The man in black concentrated on the piece of wood in his hand and frowned. "What does this look like to you?" He handed the small carving to the boy.
Billy turned it over in his hand and studied it from every angle. "What's it s'posed to be?"
Chris chuckled and shook his head. "Not gettin' out of it that easy. I asked you first."
"Kinda looks a little like a dog," the kid said hesitantly.
Larabee took the carving back and glared at it for a few moments then laughed. "It does look a mite like a dog. I was tryin' for a horse, but I missed the mark on this one." He handed it back to the boy. "It's yours if you want it."
"Thanks, Chris!"
Chris watched as the excitement was quickly replaced by a serious expression, accompanied by a very sad sigh. "Something wrong, Billy?
"I'm not s'posed to say anything to anyone." He sighed again and looked up at his idol with a calculating expression. "Don't s'pose he meant you." He paused and obviously gave his next comment some serious thought before he spoke. "Chris, if Ezra marries my Mama, will that make him my Pa?"
Larabee was totally taken off guard. He couldn't begin to figure what put such an idea in to the young boy's head. "I don't know where that came from, but if your Ma got married again, whoever she married would be your Pa." He looked at the boy quizzically. "What made you ask something like that?"
"Ezra's been at our house a lot. He's been takin' care of Mama while she's sick, but he said not to tell anyone 'cause some folks might not understand."
"Your Ma's been sick?" Chris asked anxiously. He wondered why Nathan hadn't told him. Surely he knew, if Mary had been sick enough to need someone to tend to her. Why had he asked Ezra, and not him, to take care of her?
Billy nodded gravely. "Yeah, she gets real sick every morning when she wakes up."
Chris mentally began to put the pieces together and counted back how long it had been since he had sent Ezra off with Mary to hide her from the kidnappers. It had been three months since they rode back into town. He surged to his feet, startling the boy at his side. Worries turned to anger, and then just as quickly to rage as he strode purposefully toward the saloon.
Ezra and Nathan looked up at the sound of the swinging doors slamming into the wall when they were shoved forcefully open. Both were rooted to the spot by the fury they saw in their leader's eyes. Neither dared to even breathe as they watched Larabee close the distance between them.
"You fuckin' son-of-a-bitch!" Chris grabbed Ezra by the front of his jacket and hauled him to his feet. No longer able to speak through the rage, he hurled the smaller man into the wall.
"Chris, stop this!" Nathan lunged to Ezra's aid but was shoved away with little effort despite his larger size. The healer scrambled back to his feet and tried again, reaching the enraged man just as he was reaching for the gambler where he slumped, dazed against the wall. "No! You can't do this!"
Chris spun and grabbed Nathan by the throat with one hand and squeezed before he drew back and punched him in the face. The force of the blow flung him back into the tables, where he crashed to the floor in a pile of broken furniture and tangled limbs. He was stunned from the impact and shook his head trying to clear away the fog. Blood poured from his nose; it was clearly broken.
With Nathan out of the way, Chris turned his attention back to the man he was after. Ezra was struggling to get to his feet and get his breath. The hard impact with the wall had not only knocked the breath out of him and left him only semi-conscious, but it had also left him powerless to stop Larabee's attack on the healer.
Before Ezra had managed to stand fully upright, Chris's fist connected with his left jaw, snapping his head violently to the right. He started to sag back to the floor but Larabee would have none of that. He held him up with one hand while hammering him with blow after blow before tossing him across the room like a child's discarded rag doll.
Ezra landed against the bar. He clung to it to try to stay on his feet and with considerable effort managed to turn to face his assailant.
"STOP!"
"NO!" Ezra screamed.
Mary stood between the two men, doubled over with Chris's fist still against her stomach. Ezra tried to catch her as she fell, but he could only sag to the floor beside her.
The rage instantly disappeared when he had seen Mary's stunned expression when the punch that had been intended for the gambler took her full force. He watched helplessly as Ezra gathered her into his arms, tears streaming down his face, as he tried to rouse her. "Oh God! What have I done?"
By this time the others had started to show up. Buck helped Nathan to his feet so he could check on Mary and Ezra, while Josiah went to Chris. "At this moment it is only God who is protecting you," he growled. He took a deep shuddering breath before he spoke again. "You'd better hope that he keeps it up…" His voice caught and he shook his head in despair.
"I need some help over here," Nathan yelled. Buck had his hands full trying to keep Ezra out of the way, and the healer wasn't in very good shape himself. "We gotta get her to the clinic." He moved back to give Josiah room to lift the unconscious woman, and he gasped when he saw the bloodstains on the floor. The sound drew the attention of the other men.
Josiah was close on Nathan's heals as they sprinted toward the clinic. Buck helped Ezra to stay on his feet long enough to make it across the street and up the stairs. Vin was torn between being there for Ezra and Mary, or being there for Chris. He finally opted for the latter, well aware how dangerous it would be to leave the man alone at that moment. He sat opposite his best friend and waited.
After a few long minutes Larabee looked at him, as if he had only just realized he was there. "You aren't turnin' on me too?"
The anguish in his friend's voice was hard to listen to without falling apart himself, but Vin managed to keep his own feelings in check for the moment. "I reckon that depends."
"Depends on what?" Chris ran his fingers nervously through his hair, and looked anywhere but into Vin's eyes.
"Did you aim to hurt Mary?"
"No! I would never…"He choked on the words and gave up trying to get them out.
"Want to tell me what brought all this on?" Vin asked, sounding a lot calmer than he felt.
It took a few moments before he could speak, but finally he found his voice. "I wanted…" he paused. "No, I intended to kill Ezra."
"Why? Ya been pissed at him before, but never like this." Vin wasn't sure he really wanted to know, but he needed to know in order to help his friends, all of them.
"He got her pregnant. I…" Chris wiped a trembling hand across his face and Tears formed in the corners of his eyes. "What have I done, Vin? What have I done?" He asked quietly as he let the tears fall.
Josiah laid Mary on the cot and stepped back to allow Nathan to get to her. He watched as Buck helped Ezra in and sat him in the chair near the small bed. "Ezra, we're here for you if you need us." The smaller man nodded slightly, but his eyes never left Mary.
"I think y'all should wait outside. Let her have some privacy," Nathan said without even looking up at them. He knew they would do as he asked without question.
As soon as he heard the door close behind them, he worked to get the long dress and petticoats off of her so he could work with her unencumbered. There was so much blood, and he knew there was no way she could keep from losing this baby. He glanced up at Ezra. The anguish in those green eyes broke the healer's heart, but there wasn't time to console him now.
He was caught by surprise when Ezra slipped from the chair onto his knees next to the cot, and pulled Mary into his arms. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" He clung to her and sobbed against her chest.
"Ezra, this ain't yer fault! Let go of her so I can help her!" The gambler refused to let go. Reasoning with the distraught man wasn't going to work and he needed to get him out of the way.
Nathan headed for the door and yanked it open just as Vin and Chris reached the landing. "Someone's gonna have to get Ezra out of there. He can't handle this, and I can't do what I gotta do with him in the way." The look he shot toward the blonde rivaled any of Larabee's own dark glares.
"I'll get him," Buck offered.
"Ya need help?" Vin asked Nathan. "I learned a few things when I lived with the Kiowa."
Nathan stood aside and let Buck go in ahead of him and motioned for Vin to go in too. "I can definitely use an extra pair of hands, and someone who ain't gonna fall apart on me."
It took them all to persuade Ezra to let go, but finally Buck led him out of the room. He stiffened when his eyes landed on Chris waiting outside with the others. After a pause, he turned and started down the stairs, only to collapse on the bottom step.
"Ezra, Nathan's gonna do everything he can to help Mary. Don't go blamin' yerself fer her getting' hurt." He rubbed the smaller man's back lightly as he tried to reassure him, but backed off when he pulled away from the touch. "Don't know what happened to get Chris so all-fired mad this time, but he shouldn't have let his temper get the best of him."
"You don't understand. It is my fault." The gambler's voice was barely audible.
"How do you figure that?"
"She wouldn't have been there if not for me."
"Ezra, ya know Mary. If she set her mind to gettin' in the middle of things, nothin' would have stopped her. Ya aren't to blame for her steppin' in the way," Buck insisted.
A pair of terrified green eyes looked into a pair of concerned dark blue ones. "She's pregnant, Buck. That's why Chris was after me." He looked away and took a deep breath before he continued. "We were going to be married on Sunday. None of this would be happening if I had controlled myself and not let my lust take control."
"One thing I've learned in the time I've know ya is yer always in control. And, one thing I know about Mary is she wouldn't have let it happen if it weren't somethin' she wanted too." Buck gave the smaller man's shoulder a squeeze and was relieved when Ezra didn't pull away from the offered comfort.
"There ain't nothin' we can do fer the baby. She's gonna lose it," Nathan informed Vin. "I gotta worry 'bout not losin' Mary too."
"I know of something that'll help. Once the baby is out she should stop bleedin' if there's not a bunch'a damage inside." Vin hurried to put together the combination of herbs he'd learned.
"How'd ya come to learn 'bout this?"
"One of the old squaws noticed how I liked learnin' 'bout all the plants an' how ya could use 'em. She used to make sure I could hear her if she was teachin' one'a the young ones." He paused in his explanation as he poured hot water over the mixture of crushed dried plant bits in the cup. "I heard her tell that a little of this could be used to help stop bleedin' after havin' a baby, or…"
"Or what?"
"Or more can make 'em lose a baby they didn't want." He glanced at Nathan and waited for his reaction. Nathan looked stunned.
"When this is over, will ya teach me t'make that?" He nodded toward the cup in Vin's hands.
Josiah took a seat on the bench next to Chris. "I shouldn't have said what I did back there. I know, we all know, you would never try to hurt Mary."
"She's goin' to lose her baby because of me, Josiah. I've done more than just hurt Mary." He slumped forward with his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands.
"Baby?" JD looked from Chris to the door and back. "Who's…?"
Josiah cut him off before he could finish the question. "Son, this is something you don't talk about to no one, not even Casey," he said firmly.
"I won't, but what's goin on?" He knew Chris was kinda sweet on Mary, but then there was Ezra in such a bad state, and he had never seen Chris that angry before.
"Mary was havin' Ezra's baby," Josiah told him quietly.
"Ezra's?" The young man looked at the remorseful man hunkered down on the bench next to Josiah. It made sense now. Then his mind caught onto something else. "Was havin'? She's really gonna lose it?"
Josiah nodded. "Nathan doesn't see any hope of savin' it."
Time crawled for the five men who waited outside, but finally the sound of the door opening brought them all to their feet. Buck helped a very unsteady Ezra climb back up the steps. The look on Nathan's face gave nothing away as he waited for them to reach the landing.
The healer took a deep breath and sighed deeply. "She lost the baby." The sound of a muffled sob brought down his own barriers and tears pooled in his eyes.
"And Mary?" Ezra barely managed to ask.
"Vin knew somethin' that the Indians used to stop that kind'a bleedin'. It's stopped fer now. She's lost a lot'a blood, but I think we got it stopped in time. All we can do now is wait."
"May I see her?" The gambler lifted puffy, red-rimmed eyes to search out Nathan's.
Nathan nodded, but held out a hand to stop him before he could go in the door. "Don't move her." He waited for Ezra to acknowledge his instructions then added. "After you've sat with her a bit, we need to take care of you." The healer opened the door to let him inside.
Once Ezra was where he couldn't hear him, he turned to their youngest member. "JD, I need ya to go get me a small wooden box." He held up his hands to indicate the size.
Ezra eased into the chair at the side of the cot and caught Nathan's warning glance as he came in the door. She looked so deathly pale. He picked up one delicate hand in his and shivered at the cold feeling of her skin. "Mary, if I could change things none of this would be happening," he said softly. "It should have been me." He sat there and watched her still form and stroked her hand, hoping she could hear him, or at least knew he was there. "I lied when I told you that I didn't love you that way, that the fire wasn't there. It's been there for quite some time." Tears rolled freely down his face, but he didn't care who saw. "I really wanted us to raise our baby together." He caressed her cheek and bent his pain-ridden body so he could kiss her lips.
Nathan gave him a few minutes before he went and rested a hand on his shoulder. "We need to get ya fixed up. We'll be right over here." When Ezra hesitated he gave his shoulder a light squeeze to reassure him. "You'll still be able to keep an eye on her."
Reluctantly, the gambler moved from her side. When he turned to move over to the second cot that had been set up, he saw something that he couldn't take his eyes from and moved toward it.
The healer realized Ezra wasn't right with him and turned in time to see him reach for the cloth that covered the basin on the counter. "Ezra, No!" He watched as the gambler continued as if he hadn't heard him.
He took a deep breath and swallowed hard to steady himself before he folded back the cloth. For a moment his whole world swirled around him as a wave of dizziness claimed him, but he closed his eyes against it and forced it away. When he opened them again he looked back down at the tiny body of their child. It was so little it would have fit in the palm of his hand, but it was already very nearly fully formed.
Nathan started toward Ezra, but Vin stopped him with a shake of his head. His eyes seemed to tell the healer to let their friend deal with the loss in his own way.
Everything was in miniature, arms and legs, ears, and even tiny little fingers and toes. His baby…his and Mary's. Tears dripped off his chin where they ran unchecked down his face. He reached out and lifted one tiny little hand on the tip of his finger. "I wish you could know how much I love you," he whispered to the tiny little form.
His vision blurred and grew dim as everything caught up to him and he collapsed. Vin had been ready and caught him before he hit the floor, and with Nathan's help they got him to the cot.
They had finally gotten Ezra patched up. He had a couple ribs that appeared to be cracked, some serious bruises, and one hell of a lump on his head from where he first hit the wall. Someone would need to wake him up every couple hours just to be safe, if they ever got him to go to sleep.
A knock on the door signaled that JD was back. Nathan went to the door and got the box he had sent the kid for. Careful to stand where he could block Ezra's view, he removed the tiny body from the basin and wrapped it in a clean towel before placing it in the box. Once that was done he turned back to the gambler. "Ezra, Mary can't make this decision, so I'm gonna need to ask ya to."
His eyes fell on the small box in the healer's hands, and he knew what decision he was being asked to make. He reached out to touch the box, sorrow clearly showing in his eyes; there was no sign of the gambler's mask now. His eyes drifted over to Mary and he made his decision. "On top of her husband. That way she can visit them both and no one will be the wiser."
Nathan knew what he was implying. "The rest of us know, but no one will learn it from us. All they need to know is that she was hurt trying to stop a fight."
"Thank you. It is not for me but to protect her reputation."
"I know. I'll take care of what needs to be done." He nodded toward the box. Ezra's hand still rested against the side of it, and he didn't want to take it away until his friend was ready.
"Good-bye little one." Ezra dropped his hand away and turned his face to the wall. He couldn't watch them take their baby away in a box.
The first thing the men outside noticed was the box in Nathan's hands. None of them had the slightest doubt about what it held. "I told Ezra that I would see to this, but I need to be here for Mary."
Chris stared at the small box that had become a makeshift coffin for a tiny life that he had extinguished. Nothing would ever be enough to make amends for what he had done, but he could start trying now. "I'll do it." He felt five sets of eyes boring into him. "I have to." The depth of the remorse in his eyes was lost on none of them.
"I'll go with you, brother," Josiah offered.
Josiah reached for the box, but Chris wouldn't let him take it. He was responsible for the death of this child, and he would bear the burden of carrying it to its grave. "I'd appreciate it, Josiah."
Nathan explained where Ezra wanted the child buried, and also told them of the promise that he had made that no one would know what had happened to Mary. They all agreed without hesitation.
Ezra was still fighting sleep when Nathan went back inside, and Vin slipped out quietly. "Ya need to quit fighting it. I give ya my word, I'll wake ya if anythin' happens."
"Tell me the truth. Is she going to survive this?" His voice caught in his throat when he asked.
"There ain't no guarantees, but as long as no infection sets in, she should do fine. Mary's a strong woman and she's got Billy, so she won't give up without a fight." Nathan settled onto the chair between the two cots. "Ezra, I couldn't help but hear what ya said to her earlier. I'm sorry I thought the worst of ya again. Ya really do love her don't ya?"
"Yes, I do." The gambler let the truth of his feelings show. "When we were in that cave, it was both heaven and hell on earth. Heaven because I had her there all to myself and hell because I couldn't really have her."
"But you did," Nathan commented.
"On the last day we were there. The day was our night then." He smiled half-heartedly at the memory. "It was so cold and damp in there that we had taken to sharing the blankets just to stay warm."
"That had to be hard fer ya, if ya were really wantin' her to start with."
"It was. But, I wouldn't have given up those times I had the pleasure of waking up beside her to ease that torment." He sighed and looked into Nathan's eyes and saw compassion there, instead of the contempt he often saw.
"Ya made it through to the last night. Couldn't ya have…" he stopped when he saw Ezra wanted to say something.
"We didn't know it was the last night there at the time. I had yet to go to the drop off point." He felt he owed the healer some explanation; after all, he had kept his word and not told anyone, to give him a chance to make things right. "Mr. Jackson… Nathan…it was loneliness. We had both lost our mates, and we needed to know we were both still alive, that we hadn't died along with them."
"Both?" He saw Ezra nod.
"I lost my wife four years ago."
"Why didn't ya ever tell us?"
"It still hurt too much to talk about it. Then when I realized I had feelings for Mary, I felt like I was betraying her memory." His eyes asked what he couldn't ask aloud.
"I'll keep it between us. If ya want the others to know ya can tell 'em when yer ready." Nathan patted him on the shoulder and gave him a conspiratorial wink then got out of the chair. "Now, ya go to sleep or I'll give ya something to put ya to sleep.
Ezra drifted off, listening to the sound of pages turning. He had never realized how comforting that sound could be.
Epilogue
Mary had recovered from her ordeal without the townspeople finding out the truth, although there had been some comments about the freshly dug spot on her husband's grave. The general consensus was a large animal had been digging there, due to some ingenuity on Josiah's part.Chris had tried to talk to Mary, but she refused until after she was released from the clinic to go home. He finally managed to catch her alone and the feared gunman begged her to forgive him. She refused him, saying the only contact she wanted with him was in dealing with her newspaper. She just couldn't forgive him for the death of her unborn child.
Ezra had managed to stay completely away from Chris during the last few weeks. He had been relieved of duty while he mended, and once he returned to his role as peacekeeper, one of the others brought him word of his assignments.
He had spent most of his time in his room, or at the clinic sitting with Mary until she was released. She had declined his offer to go ahead with their wedding, but he could tell she was pleased that he had offered. Deep down he had desperately wanted her to say yes.
It had been a month, and Ezra decided it was time to face Chris. They couldn't keep avoiding each other forever. He waited until it was late enough that the saloon would be close to empty and made his way down the stairs. Larabee sat alone at their customary table, a half empty bottle of whiskey in front of him. "Falling back on old habits?" he asked him.
Chris looked like he had just seen a ghost when he saw the gambler standing next to him. He reached to refill his glass and was startled to find the bottle wrenched from his hand. Ezra threw it against the wall and then grabbed the partially filled glass and downed its contents, leaving Chris staring at his empty hand. "I'm not drunk enough to let you get by with that," he growled.
"You will let me get by with it, and you will listen to what I have to say." He took a seat next to the blonde. "I will always regret the loss of the child, but as much as I want to blame you completely, I can't. It was my fault too."
Larabee wondered at the uncharacteristically plain speech, but decided to be grateful for it. "No, it was me. Ezra I am sorry for what happened, but sorry won't change things," he said sadly.
"Sorry can change things. It can open the door to forgiveness. I owe you an apology also," Ezra offered.
"Why would you owe one to me? I was the one who killed the baby."
Ezra flinched at the brashness of the statement, but squared his shoulders and continued. "You entrusted me with someone you held dear, and I betrayed that trust. I think it is time we work on forgiving each other."
"Tell me one thing. Did you love her?" The thought of the gambler just using Mary had been what sent him into such a blind rage, and that same thought had continued to haunt him.
"I still do," he answered honestly.
Chris half-smiled and offered his hand to Ezra. "That makes two of us."
The End
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