I'm feelin' guilty.Before I explain what I mean by that, I gotta give ya a little history so ya know where I'm comin' from. I been Chris Larabee's friend for a whole lotta years -- through good times and bad times -- and let me tell ya, some of the bad times have been really bad. When Sarah and little Adam were killed, I thought he was gonna lose his mind -- hell, I was convinced it wouldn't be long before there was a third Larabee grave in that cemetery.
Maybe things would've been different if we'd caught the killer, but we never have. So Chris just slipped deeper and deeper inta despair -- closer and closer ta self-destruction -- but I just kept goin' in after him, tryin' ta pull him back from the brink. Until one day I woke up and realized he was takin' me down with him. The next time he tried ta push me away, I let him, and I got out, got away.
A coupla years went by, and when Chris contacted me about joinin' his new team in the ATF, I really didn't know what ta expect. I was relieved ta find he had a new purpose in life, but I was sad ta see how much of the old Chris was still gone -- the sparkle in his eyes, the ready smile, the sense of fun, and the -- what is it the French call it? -- the joie de somethin' -- Ezra'd know. And his temper was still unpredictable -- like Mt. St. Helens, it was explosive, and there was no runnin' for cover.
The job sounded a helluva lot better that what I was doin' with the Denver PD, so I signed up, and pretty soon Team 7 had six members who seemed ta fit tagether like the pieces of a puzzle, if ya know what I mean. I got along so well with the youngest one that we ended up bein' roommates. JD Dunne is like the kid brother I never had -- he's tough and smart, but there's this innocence that makes me wanta protect him any way I can, even when he doesn't want me doin' it.
Like I said, the six of us made a pretty good team, and things was goin' good. Then, a bit over a year ago, the good Lord decided ta smile on us and gave us the part of the puzzle we didn't even know was missin'. We were on a raid, and this young bounty hunter got involved, and the rest, as they say, is history.
Vin Tanner -- a quiet, blue-eyed, longhaired Texan and the best-damned sharpshooter I've ever seen -- became the seventh and last member of the team. And we pulled tagether like never before -- if Chris is the heart of the team, then Vin is its soul. We went from bein' just a bunch of guys who really liked workin' tagether ta bein a band of brothers -- a family.
Ya see, right from the get-go, Vin and Chris had this incredible bond -- I ain't never seen nothin' like it. I admit I was jealous for a while, but that didn't last for long -- not when I saw the effect Vin was havin' on Chris.
He calmed him, steadied him, and gradually lifted him up inta the light. Chris started smilin' more, started jokin' around again, and the next thing we knew, he was invitin' us out ta the ranch one Sunday for a cookout and ta watch some football. Got ta be a regular thing at least two or three times a month. When it got too cold ta eat outside, we went anyways -- Josiah'd cook up a pot of chili or we'd have a kind of potluck with take-out or mebbe just get some pizzas. Chris even got himself a big-screen TV, and I teased him about tryin' ta buy our affection.
Chris's horse Pony had gotten kinda fat and lazy 'cause Chris had pretty much lost interest in ridin' after Sarah died. Then one night at the saloon, Vin said he'd always dreamed about ownin' his own horse, and Chris spoke right up -- said he'd help Vin pick one out, and he could keep it at the ranch. Coupla days later, Vin was the proud owner of Peso -- stubbornest, most ornery critter I ever seen, but Vin loves him -- and it wasn't long before Pony was back in fightin' trim.
Don't get me wrong -- it wasn't all one-sided. Chris and the rest of us helped Junior -- that's what I call Vin sometimes, and he calls me Bucklin -- just as much as he helped Chris. In the beginnin', he was kinda skittish, ya might say -- it was more'n bein' shy, although he is that, and I do love makin' him blush. No, Vin was like a pet cat that's been put out ta fend for itself, and it gets so used ta bein' alone, scratchin' and clawin' ta survive, that when somebody shows some kindness, it don't know how ta respond and shies away.
Yeah, that was Vin all right. He's had a real hard life -- no real home or family since his ma died when he was five -- and I suspect it was even worse than he's let on. Like I said, he was kinda wary in the beginnin', sorta hangin' back in the shadows if ya know what I mean -- took awhile before he'd even go with us ta the saloon on Fridays for a few drinks. In the end, though, he found a home and a family with the team, and he found a man he could trust implicitly -- found the other half of his soul -- in Chris.
And I sat there Friday night and watched Chris tear everything apart -- watched Chris Larabee strip Vin bare and devastate his life -- and that's why I'm feelin' guilty.
Guilty 'cause I never saw it comin'. Never saw the way Chris was changin' towards Vin, the way he was . . . comin' on ta Vin, leadin' him on. Hell, Chris didn't even know he was doin' it, but I shoulda seen somethin'. Lookin back, it's plain as day, and Josiah agrees, but lookin' back ain't gonna solve our problem.
Guilty 'cause I never realized Vin was in love with Chris. I thought in terms of trust and loyalty, and yeah, they were there in spades, but I never thought about love. Lookin' back, it was there for all the world ta see, and me, with a PhD. in matters of the heart, I simply did not see which way the wind was blowin'.
Guilty 'cause when it happened, I let Vin go off by himself while I tended ta Chris. Shit, I was furious with Chris, but I still looked after him, just like I did years ago. Sure, that's changed now -- now that the damage is done, and it's prob'ly too late.
Guilty 'cause I didn't stand up for Vin. I mean, as soon as Chris said what he did, all them other . . . animals in the saloon -- men and women -- started carryin' on like it was some kinda freak show or somethin'. Somebody yelled he'd take Vin, and that bastard Barlow threw a glass at Vin when he was leavin'. The place was still in an uproar when I went back in after gettin' Chris outta there, but I didn't do nothin', just sat back down and then left a few minutes later with JD.
Guilty 'cause I scared JD ta death. When we got home, I could tell he was mad, and I figgered he was mad at Chris, just like me, but then he started bad-mouthin' Vin -- callin' him a faggot and a queer -- and I guess I just . . . I just lost it.
I grabbed ahold of him and started shakin' him. There was fear in his eyes and that shocked me. JD was afraid of me! But before I could let go and apologize ta him, he managed ta break away and run inta his bedroom and lock the door. Yeah, I'm bigger and stronger'n JD, but he took me by surprise. Got a bruise on my stomach from his elbow and a sore foot ta show for it, but it was hearin' him lock that door that really hurt. Tried a coupla times ta get him ta open the door and let me talk ta him, but he just kept tellin' me ta go away and leave him alone, so I finally gave up. Had a real hard time gettin' ta sleep that night.
I kept thinkin' about Vin and what Chris had done. The things Chris said -- I mean, at first I thought it was all some kinda joke, but then I saw Vin and Chris's faces, and I knew both of them were deadly serious. Chris really was tellin' us -- shit, the whole fuckin' saloon -- in the nastiest, most vicious way imaginable that Vin's gay.
How could he do that? Why would he do it? Chris has always been a live-and-let-live kinda guy, and I couldn't imagine him outing anybody, let alone Vin. I laid in bed tryin' ta imagine what Vin was thinkin', what he was feelin', and I couldn't. How do ya handle it when yer best friend -- the only person in the whole world ya trust implicitly -- turns on ya and destroys yer life? Yeah, I know, I know, Vin trusts the rest of us, but it ain't the same -- that bond he has -- had -- with Chris makes all the difference.
And then there was JD. Did he really mean the things he'd said? Did he really think of Vin as a faggot and a queer? The subject of homosexuality had never come up before, so his attitude came as a real surprise, and not a pleasant one, let me tell ya. I wasn't sure we could stay roommates if that was the way he really felt.
I seen a lotta things in my life. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that love is the most important thing in the whole wide world. Sure, there are wicked things done in the name of love -- I know that -- the people who prey on defenseless children and call it love, the husbands and wives who beat their spouses all in the name of love. But that's not really love. Love doesn't seek ta hurt -- if lifts ya up and makes ya a better person. Love is selfless -- ya put someone else's welfare above yer own. Love makes ya live for someone else -- and makes ya willin' ta give yer life for the person ya love.
Chris and Sarah shared that kind of love -- ya felt it just bein' around them. And when Adam was born, it was like all their love was given human form, if ya know what I mean. Sometimes, when I was with them, I felt like an intruder. It's kinda hard ta explain. It wasn't nothin' they said or did, but sometimes it just felt like they were such a tight unit -- so complete just the three of them -- that I didn't belong, that they didn't need me or anybody else.
Like I said, Chris and Sarah shared the real kind of love, and I just know that's what Vin feels for Chris. He hid his love for months, and I guess he'd have gone on hidin' it forever. If Chris had married again, I bet Vin would've been best man, and when the children came, he'd have been their surrogate uncle. Mebbe at some point Vin would've found a partner, but it would have been a case of making do with second best, and he'd have never willingly relinquished his relationship with Chris. At the same time, any wife of Chris's would have to accept Vin's place in their lives.
Quite simply, Vin and Chris need each other in order ta survive, just like the air they breathe. Chris inflicted a mortal blow ta Vin's spirit, ta his soul, and although he didn't know it at the time, he dealt the selfsame blow ta himself. Ya only have ta look at the two of them today ta see it's true.
Got sidetracked a bit there -- guess I should get back ta the situation with JD. Things didn't go too good Saturday morning -- there was a bit of a scene at breakfast, and JD stormed back ta his bedroom, his body language and the tight set of his mouth testifying ta his smoldering anger. So I went out, did some errands, took my dirty clothes and stuff to a laundromat -- figgered I'd let JD have the use of the facilities at home -- and then I picked up some ribs at a barbecue place I like. When I got home, JD had already ordered pizza, so we shared the food, but neither of us ate very much -- not much appetite, I guess -- and we didn't talk. When he was through eatin', JD went back ta his bedroom. At least he didn't lock his door this time, which was a good sign.
I called Vin. Thought I'd prob'ly get his machine, so I was real surprised when he answered after seven or eight rings. Told him how sorry I was about ev'rythin', how I hoped he'd stay and not take off someplace, how I was behind him a hundred percent -- got a coupla 'yeahs' and 'uh huhs' outta him. I guess he didn't really take in a single word I said. I asked him if he was gonna stay, and all he said was 'dunno.' I didn't know what else ta say except ta repeat that I hoped he'd stay, and then he just hung up.
I tried ta watch some TV. Why is it, when yer feelin' down or in a bad mood, there's never anything on ta cheer ya up? A coupla sitcoms with bratty kids I wanted ta just smack upside the head -- a documentary on Hitler and the Holocaust -- another on the KKK -- some sorta political discussion -- more talkin' heads goin' on and on about the destruction of the rainforest and how we're all gonna die -- a movie where it looked like ev'rybody was gonna get killed off by the end . . . I finally just gave up and went ta bed.
Sunday mornin' I woke up knowin' I had ta go talk ta Chris, and I had ta have it out with JD. He came inta the kitchen when I was startin' ta fix breakfast -- guess I should call it brunch 'cause we both slept late -- but he stayed hid behind the newspaper. He ate the pancakes and sausages I cooked, drank the juice and coffee I poured, but he never acknowledged my presence. He was poutin' like a spoiled brat, mad at the world, and I wanted ta knock him upside the head just like them kids on TV the night before.
Finally, I grabbed the newspaper outta his hands and threw it on the floor. He was glarin' at me something fierce, but I was determined ta have my say. I mean, enough's enough -- it was time for him ta stop actin' like some ignorant teenager. I told him I was goin' out for a while, and there were some things I wanted him ta think about while I was gone. He just sat there, glarin', never said a word, so I just forged ahead. I said he had ta think about why he was so mad at Vin -- was it really 'cause Vin's gay or was it something else. I asked if he was mad 'cause Vin wasn't in love with him or 'cause Vin'd made a pass at him. That sure got through ta him.
"Ya sayin' I'm a faggot?" he yelled at me and jumped up, ready ta punch me. "'Cause I ain't!"
I told him ta calm down, that I wasn't accusin' him of anything, that I just wanted him ta think about why he was so upset. He backed down and said of course Vin'd never made a pass at him -- Vin wasn't in love with him. I had ta smile when he said 'of course' because I knew it meant he was back ta seein' Vin the person and not the labels he'd put on him. I was also glad ta hear him say that Vin wouldn't make a pass at someone he didn't love. After all, on Friday night, Chris's words had portrayed Vin as some kinda sexual predator, but JD wasn't buyin' that. No, the kid'd recognized, just like I had, that Vin was in love with one person -- shit, he'd prob'ly only ever loved one person -- and that was Chris Larabee.
I went ta get my keys and went back ta the kitchen. JD was still sittin' there, just starin' at the coffee mug he was holdin'.
"Listen, kid," I said. "There's only one question that really matters. Who'd ya rather have for a sharpshooter watchin' yer back -- Vin, who just happens ta be gay, or some other guy who's prob'ly not as skilled and who could be an alcoholic or hidin' some other deep, dark secret? You think on that, and we'll talk when I get back." That's when I left.
Took me about forty-five minutes ta get ta the ranch -- traffic was kinda light. I didn't go bargin' in neither -- knocked politely and waited for Chris ta come ta the door. When he did, I ignored him and just walked straight past him ta the den. He followed me, of course, and I told him ta sit down on the couch and ta keep his mouth shut and listen. He wasn't too happy about it, but he did what I said.
I took a minute ta look around the room and ta study Chris. The den was a real mess -- papers strewn all over the desk, the coffee table, and the floor. It looked like Chris'd been tryin' ta work -- mebbe puttin' stuff tagether for Monday's briefin' -- but it had gotten outta his control. There was an empty whiskey bottle under the coffee table and a nearly empty one sittin' on it. I didn't hafta see them ta know he'd been drinkin' though -- I could smell it when I walked by him.
He looked awful -- dark circles under his eyes and his eyes all bloodshot and bleary. His hair was all over the place like he'd been constantly runnin' his hands through it, and his hands were shakin' -- not a whole lot, and the average person would've missed it, but it was obvious ta me. Chris was sufferin' all right, but then he deserved ta be, didn't he?
I started yellin' at him -- couldn't help myself. Why'd he do it? How could he treat Vin that way? How could he destroy the best friend a man could ever have like that? I mentioned their special bond and asked why he'd broken it. I said it was obvious he'd already rejected Vin -- his coldness towards Vin the previous week showed that. Why had he gone further and betrayed Vin's trust?
I was really on a roll, pacing around the room, when it suddenly hit me that it was all futile. No matter what Chris said tryin' ta explain things, no matter how many times he might apologize -- the damage was already done, and the genie was outta the bottle. Ev'rybody in the saloon knows Vin is gay, and it won't be long before ev'ryone in the Federal Building knows it, too. Vin's life'll never be the same. That kinda took the wind outta my sails, and I had ta sit down 'cause suddenly I was so very, very tired.
I stopped yellin' and started talkin' quietly. Told Chris I'd talked ta Vin, and he sounded real bad. "Ya know he's prob'ly gonna ask the judge for a transfer, or mebbe he's just gonna cut and run," I said. I asked him what he thought that would do ta the team -- what did he think would happen if the team had ta get a new sharpshooter? That sure got his attention -- I don't think he'd thought that far ahead. I told him I hadn't talked ta the other guys -- mebbe they didn't wanta work with somebody who's gay. If that was the case, then I'd be askin' for a transfer. Now that really startled him.
Then I reminded him of somethin' only him and me knows about. Ya see, it happened there at the ranch one weekend a coupla months after his family was killed. It was after midnight, and we were drinkin' just like a lotta other nights, when outta the blue Chris asked if I knew what he missed the most. He didn't wait for me ta answer, just went right ahead and said he missed havin' Sarah in the bed at night. He didn't mean makin' love -- no, he meant holdin' her when he fell asleep, wakin' up in the middle of the night and hearin' her breathe, and then wakin' up in the mornin' with her arm around him.
Tears were runnin' down his face when he said, "During the day I can fool myself into believing Adam's at school and Sarah's out shopping, but at night . . . at night I can't escape knowing . . . knowing I'm alone . . . knowing I'm gonna be alone forever, and I don't know if I can take it, Buck." He said he hadn't washed Sarah's pillowcase for a long time 'cause he could still smell her scent on it, but that had faded with time.
His pain just cut through me like a knife, and I stood up, took the glass outta his hand, and pulled him outta the chair. I walked him ta the bedroom and told him ta get ready for bed. I used the guest bathroom, and when I got back, he'd put on a pair of sweats and crawled inta bed. I stripped down ta my boxers and got in with him. He asked me what I was doin', but I just told him ta hush up and relax. I pulled him over against me, put his head on my shoulder, and a minute later, he was sleepin' like a baby. In the mornin', he looked better, more rested than I'd seen him in a good long time.
Me and Chris slept like that mebbe four or five more times over the next few months, and it was no big deal -- well, 'cept for one time when it was different. Right after we laid down this one time, I felt Chris's hand kinda creepin' inta my boxers, and it was my turn ta ask what he was doin'. He said he wondered if he tickled my fancy, and I laughed and said I didn't think it was my fancy he was gettin' ready ta tickle. Then I told him mebbe he oughta take his hand back before he started somethin' we'd both prob'ly regret. Well, he did and fell asleep right away, and come mornin', neither of us said nothin' about it.
Mebbe he didn't remember -- I don't know. Mebbe if I'd had more ta drink -- or less -- I'd've followed through on what he was suggestin', if ya know what I mean -- again, I don't know. But Sunday I reminded him about all that -- how he'd been willin' ta cuddle up ta a man when it suited him and how he'd made a pass at me. I asked how he woulda felt if I'd told the saloon about that. I told him he was back ta bein' selfish, feelin' sorry for himself, but this time, he wasn't the victim -- Vin was. Thinkin' about Vin got me all mad, so I jumped up and started yellin' again.
I told him he better start thinkin' about Vin and the team and about the future. What was he gonna do come Monday if Vin didn't show up? More important, what if Vin did show up? How was he gonna deal with me and the rest of the team? I finally ran outta steam. I knew I didn't wanta hear anything he had ta say just then, so I walked away, got in my truck, and drove home.
I wasn't lookin' forward ta dealin' with JD, but it had ta be done, not just for the sake of our friendship, but for the team as well. When I got home, he was sittin' in the livin' room playin' some game, and I went ta the kitchen for a coupla beers. Ev'rything was neat -- breakfast dishes done -- so I knew JD'd been busy. I hoped he'd been just as busy thinkin'.
Back in the livin' room, I handed JD one of the beers and sat down on the other end of the couch. He'd turned the game off, so I knew he was ready ta talk. I started speakin' first.
"I'm real sorry for how I treated ya, kid, and I'm hopin' ya can forgive me. I had no right manhandlin' ya like I did -- I'm bigger and stronger, and I shouldn't've tried ta bully ya."
"Older, too, so yer s'posed ta be wiser," he smirked, and I leaned over and lightly cuffed his shoulder. "And ya are . . . wiser, I mean," he added, becoming serious.
His teasin' and the tone of his voice told me he'd forgiven me, so I drank some beer and waited for him to continue.
"I gotta apologize, too, Buck -- guess I kinda provoked ya. Sorry I hurt ya."
"Hurt me? That'll be the day, kid! Ya took me by surprise is all," I said. Truth is, he had hurt me -- still got the bruise on my stomach -- but he didn't have ta know that. He's pretty good when it comes ta self-defense.
JD smiled and continued, "Those things I said -- don't know what got inta me. Ya said I was actin' like an ignorant teenager, . . ."
I didn't know I'd said that out loud this morning!
". . . and I guess I was 'cept I didn't even use them words when I was an ignorant teenager. I mean, in high school, other guys, when they were pickin' on somebody . . . first thing they said was 'You're a faggot!' Always seemed kinda lame ta me. I guess I was just so fuckin' mad I got so caught up in what those assholes in the saloon were callin' Vin that that was all I could hear in my head, so that's what I ended up sayin' myself. Hell, Buck, ya know I ain't like that!"
That's what I'd thought, too. So I was really surprised when I heard him, and I told him that.
JD asked if I remembered his college roommate, Tally, and reminded me that Tally had rented a condo in Aspen and invited us ta spend the long Presidents' Day weekend with him, skiing. I remembered -- Talbot Smythe, III, tall as me, buff, blond-haired, blue-eyed, English, old money, -- a real chick magnet, ta use one of JD's phrases. JD and Vin, with their practical jokes, are bad enough, but JD and Tally -- they're even worse . . . a bucket of confetti over the door, dribble glasses, a whoopee cushion, you name it. God help me, they were like little kids, and by the end of the weekend, I was so jumpy not knowin' what was comin' next, I couldn't think straight, and I was ready ta strangle one or both of them. Oh yeah, I remembered Tally!
"I called him this morning after ya left."
"Ya called England?" I asked. I hafta admit I was jealous and a little hurt. I mean, JD wouldn't talk ta me, but he'd call Tally thousands of miles away and talk ta him. "How come?"
"Tally's gay," he said quietly.
"Yer kiddin'!" I exclaimed and knew my mouth was hangin' open. "Tally?" I was dumbfounded, shaking my head -- first Vin and now this. I didn't know what ta say, so I went for more beer. JD started speaking as soon as I got back.
"Yeah, it's the truth." JD explained it was practically the first thing Tally said ta him right after they met. They'd decided on a month's trial as roommates, and then they'd become good friends. He said he told Tally all about what happened Friday night and how he'd been acting ever since, and he also told him what I'd said that morning.
"I told Tally I trusted Vin with my life," JD said, "and I didn't hafta think twice, Buck. I remembered the times I've been undercover and how Vin was there, watchin' my back. I know he can't cover ev'ry contingency, but just knowin' he was there made me feel safer, and I don't want that ta change. Bein' gay don't have nothin' ta do with Vin doin' his job -- the only thing that matters is if he can shoot straight."
He went on ta say that it might've made a diff'rence if Vin spent all his time just lookin' out for Chris, but Vin had never done that, and he never would. He said Vin was too much of a professional ta let personal feelin's interfere with doin' his job.
So far, so good, I was thinkin', but JD still hadn't explained why he'd been so mad. So I asked him if he'd figgered that out yet, and he said he thought he had.
JD said bein' gay had ta be an awfully big part of a person's life, so he'd decided he was mad at Vin 'cause he hadn't trusted us enough ta share that information with us. After all, Tally had told him while they were still strangers ta each other.
"Why couldn't he trust me, Buck? Why?"
I could see the hurt in his eyes -- hurt that had replaced the anger, and I knew this was the crux of the matter as far as JD was concerned. I reminded him that Vin hadn't told any of us, and maybe it wasn't really a matter of trust.
"JD, I think Vin's been hurt bad by folks who said he could trust 'em, so he decided that no matter how much he came ta trust somebody, it was just safer ta keep some things secret -- until Chris came along. And we both know what happened -- he got hurt again, but I think Chris's betrayal is worse than the others 'cause not only did Vin trust him completely, he fell in love with him with every fiber of his being."
I could see JD knew all that, but it still didn't answer his question -- didn't take away his hurt -- and I had ta try and do that. I suggested that mebbe JD hadn't considered Vin's point of view. What if he told us, and one of us let it slip sometime -- jokin' around, ya know, mebbe askin' him about havin' a boyfriend or something like that. It wouldn't be intentional, but it could happen. What if some of the others reacted the way Chris had? I reminded him we didn't know how our teammates were handlin' the whole situation 'cause we hadn't talked ta none of 'em. I could tell I was gettin' through ta him, but he still wasn't convinced.
Now JD the agent can be as tough as they come, but JD the young man is still naive about a whole lotta things, and I realized he was still comparin' Vin ta his friend Tally.
"Ya said Tally told ya 'bout him bein' gay right off the bat. Why was that?" I asked, and he said Tally'd had problems with a roommate and some other guys in the dorm.
"So he wasn't tellin' ya some great big secret, was he? There was others on campus who knew all about it, and ya mighta found out eventually. Tally was just bein' honest and givin' ya a chance ta get out right away if ya wanted ta," I said. "Besides," I added, "Tally's diff'rent from Vin. He's rich, and lotsa folks will overlook him bein' gay 'cause of that, and if somethin' does happen, he can just take off, go somewhere else, and not worry about his job or co-workers or nothin'. Vin ain't got that luxury -- can't take that chance. He had ev'rything ta lose by tellin' us, JD, and nothin' ta gain."
Understandin' was dawnin' in JD's eyes, and he was noddin'. "So how're we gonna make things up ta Vin? How're we gonna make it better?"
Damned if he wasn't lookin' at me like I was some kinda oracle or somethin' -- the guy with all the answers -- and I sure hated havin' ta burst his bubble. "Don't think we can, kid," I said finally. He looked startled, so I kept goin'. "Can't do nothin' 'bout Vin and Chris -- that's up ta them. And we don't know how the rest of the team feels neither. Plus, we don't know what Vin's gonna do -- mebbe he's already gone. He sounded real bad when I talked ta him yesterday." I also reminded him that those bastards who'd been in the saloon weren't likely ta let things go. If Vin sticks around, he's gonna be in for a hard time, but mebbe we could do somethin' about that, but it all depended on what Vin did. He didn't like by answer, but he had ta admit it made sense.
He said he wondered if Chris knew what he'd started -- said Chris was obviously only thinkin' about himself on Friday night. If he'd been thinkin' about the job -- about his team -- he wouldn't have done what he did -- leastwise not the way he did it.
That's it in a nutshell, isn't it? Outta the mouths of babes! Chris was so set on gettin' back at Vin, he never thought twice about what he might be doin' ta the rest of us.
"Ya know," I said, "ya said I was wiser, but I think yer pretty wise yerself, kid." Then I told him I'd been ta see Chris and gave him a piece of my mind. Didn't tell him what I said, though -- that's 'tween me and Chris.
I noticed there was a pad of paper on the coffee table, and I picked it up. There was a list written on it, and I read a few of the items -- honest, loyal, great shot, dyslexic, and at least a dozen others. At the bottom of the list was the word gay, so I asked JD what the list was all about. He said Tally told him ta make a list of ev'ry characteristic he could think of ta describe Vin. He read the list ta Tally who told him he'd forgotten ta put gay on it. He said Tally asked him if anything on the list changed because Vin was gay, and he had ta admit that nothin' had. Tally then wanted ta know which item on the list JD thought Vin would get rid of if he could, and he said he guessed it would be his dyslexia, and Tally disagreed. He thought it would be bein' gay. He explained ta JD that no one asks ta be gay, that it often hurts ta be gay -- mentally and physically -- and that most gays would prob'ly choose ta be straight if they could -- he certainly would. I told JD how glad I was that he could talk ta Tally -- his friend made a lot of sense.
Then I teased him about the size of our next phone bill. By then, I knew JD was okay -- he wasn't mad anymore, wasn't upset about Vin being gay, and had a clear view of Chris's role in all of this. I thought it would be good for JD ta get out, so we went ta a movie, had dinner, and watched some television.
We didn't talk about the situation again until we were drivin' ta work this morning. Neither of us thought Vin was gonna show up, so it was a real surprise when he did. We talked ta the others some, and I was happy ta find out they were supportin' Vin just like me and JD. Ez didn't have a kind word ta say 'bout Chris, that's for sure.
Vin pretty much ignored us when he came in, but I can understand that. We had our Monday briefin', and he still didn't say nothin' or look at any of us -- at least not till the very end. That's when Vin looked straight at Chris for a moment. Felt like somebody punched me in the heart when I saw his eyes! I seen eyes on dead fish that had more life in them!
Me, JD, Josiah, Ez, and Nathan walked outta the conference room right behind him -- coverin' his back 'cause it was obvious he wasn't able ta look after himself just then. I'm not sure he's gonna be able ta pull himself tagether for a while, if ever, and I don't think he's gonna let any of us help him. This could've been a day for rejoicing if only Chris had listened ta his heart and not his head. If only . . .
But Chris is in denial, and it's got him tied up in knots. When he's this upset, he lashes out -- and then tries ta pick up the pieces later. I ain't sure there's any pieces of Vin ta pick up. Just look at him -- he's at the end of his rope -- his soul is destroyed. At least if he stays here, he's got five friends ta look out for him and watch his back. I don't imagine he knows how we feel about him right now, and he prob'ly doesn't care 'cause he knows we weren't there for him Friday night. But we're there now, and that's where we're gonna stay. Sooner or later Junior's gonna figger that out.
Like I said, Chris Larabee's been my best friend for years, but right now, I'm actually ashamed ta admit it, and if he was standin' here in front of me, I just might take a swing at him.
I wanta help Vin -- can't stand ta see him lookin' the way he does -- but for the life of me, I can't think of a single, solitary thing ta do. I wish there was some magic spell that would heal Vin's shattered soul and bring him back ta us, but there ain't.
So here I sit -- guilty, helpless, uncertain of what the future holds. I hate these feelin's, hate not feelin' in control of my own life, but I don't know what I can do ta change things, and that's the worst feelin' of all.
END