Limp Noodle?

by Midnight Profit and Lisa

February 2004

DISCLAIMER: Trilogy, MGM, and the Mirish Corporation own The Magnificent Seven characters. They are not mine. The only purpose of this story is for entertainment. No money is being made.

AUTHOR'S COMMENTS: From Lisa: This plot bunny idea sort of attacked me today when I was watching TV and then Sarah and I got to talking about it and viola, the story sort of wrote itself. Enjoy!

ATF Agent JD Dunne hopped up from his chair with coffee cup in hand and headed to the break room for a refill of caffeine and to see if anymore donuts were left. He topped off his high-octane coffee, adding cream and then several heaping scoops of sugar. As he stirred the coffee, he checked out the donut box, disappointed to see there were no chocolate ones left, he decided to go with his second choice . . . a jelly filled one. As he took a large bite of his mid-morning snack that should tie him over until lunch, he noticed a white bag on the counter.

"Hmm. . . I wonder what this is?" he asked out loud as he picked up the bag with his other hand and took a peek inside, thinking it was someone's lunch they forgot to put in the fridge but finding out much to his surprise it wasn't a lunch. . . .

"Hey JD! Whatcha got?" asked Buck as he joined the young man in the break room, swiping the bag from his hands. "More donuts?"

"Um . . . no," said JD.

"'Cause if they're donuts you know you shouldn't be keeping them from your best bud," continued Buck as he took a look in the bag. "VIAGRA!" said Buck in a voice that was louder than he meant.

"It ain't mine," said JD in a muffled voice as he chewed quickly and then swallowed his mouth full of jelly donut. "I found it here when I got this . . . " The youngest member held up his half-finished donut to prove his point.

"Well, it ain't mine," declared Buck. "I don't need no medicine in THAT department. Satisfaction guaranteed is my motto. . ." Buck tossed the bag on the counter as he wiped his hands on his pants as if just touching the bag would affect his future 'performance.'

"Maybe it belongs to Josiah?" contemplated JD out loud.

"What belongs to me?" asked the big burly ATF profiler as he entered the room and topped off his coffee.

"What's in that bag," replied Buck as he gestured to the said bag on the counter.

Josiah's curiosity was piqued and he picked up the bag and looked inside. "Why do you automatically think it's mine?" he asked, turning a questioning look to the young man.

"'Cause you're old," replied JD quickly and Buck elbowed him in the stomach.

"What?" said JD as he looked at his friend. "Well, he is. . ."

"Well, sorry to disappoint fellas, but it ain't mine," replied Josiah as he placed the bag on the counter.

"What ain't yours?" asked Nathan Jackson as he joined the growing group that was gathering in the break room.

"The viagra in that bag," replied JD as he pointed to the bag in question. Buck elbowed him again and JD said, "What?"

"Not so loud," said Buck.

"Look who's talking?" replied JD. "You yelled it earlier . . . "

"Well, it just surprised me," explained Buck. "I didn't expect to find it here in the break room . . ."

Nathan Jackson picked up the bag and removed the box in question from it, inspecting it to see if there was any prescription labels on it. "Well, it ain't mine," said Nathan. "Anyway, what's so wrong if someone needed to use it? It's a perfectly acceptable medicine that delays the enzymes called phosphodiesterases from working too quickly. . . there are many men who use it. . ."

"What pray tail is Mr. Jackson lecturing on this mornin'?" asked Ezra Standish as he slipped past the ATF Medic, heading for the coffee pot, topping off his cup.

"He's explain' the merits of usin' viagra," replied Buck just as Ezra took a sip of his coffee and then promptly spit it out.

"Excuse me?" said Ezra as he wiped his mouth.

"We found a box of viagra and we're trying to figure out who it belongs to," explained JD.

"Do you have anything you want to tell us?" continued Josiah with a smile tugging at his lips.

"Well, I can assure you it doesn't belong to me," answered Ezra

"I don't know," Buck said to JD, shaking his head. "I just can't tell when he's lyin' anymore, JD. He's so damn good at it."

"And he is gettin' along in years," JD agreed.

"Gentlemen," Ezra said, switching his cup into his other hand. "Would I lie to you?" And before they could answer, he said, "Okay, about other things certainly, but this?" He shook his head, bringing the cup to his lips. "Perhaps it belongs to our esteemed leader?"

The break room door opened as Ezra finished this sentence and Chris came through. He'd been hoping to grab a donut and get back to his office, but the appearance of all his men in there crushed his hopes of there being any left.

"What belongs to me?" the blond team leader asked, his green eyes settling on the box Nathan held.

Nathan held it out to him, saying, "Buck tried to eat this for lunch."

"I did not!" Buck exclaimed. "I told you all, I don't need that crap. It's all a bunch a hooey anyway! Pills to make you get 'in the mood'. I've never heard of anything more . . ."

Ezra hid a smile behind his coffee as Nathan continued, "Ezra here thought maybe they were yours."

Once again Ezra lost his coffee, this time spewing it at JD. JD shot Ezra a look and grabbed a roll of paper towels and began to wipe himself off.

"Well, it sure as hell ain't any of your business, but no, it ain't mine," Chris said, handing the box back to Nathan. Nathan put it back in the bag as Vin came into the room.

"Hey guys," the sharpshooter said. He walked over to the donuts, perusing the box. After a second he turned, seeing that his team members had gathered beside the fridge and were watching him intently. He tried to shrug off the weirdness of it and turned back to the donuts.

"It's always the quiet ones," Ezra whispered.

"Next thing we know he'll be chopping us into bite size pieces and storing us in his freezer for midnight snacks," Buck said. "Fry us up with some eggs and hash browns . . ." The men around him looked at him warily and he shrugged. "I saw it on True Crimes."

The feeling of the six pairs of eyes boring into his back was unnerving to Vin and he turned around slowly, donut in hand. "Uh, guys, is everythin' all right?"

"I don't know, Vin," Buck said. "You tell us."

"Yeah," JD said. "Is the viagra working? 'Cause Buck thinks it's just a bunch a hoo-" Buck promptly elbowed the younger man.

JD turned to Buck and said, "Would you stop doin' that?!"

"You think it's mine?" asked Vin as a deep blush covered his cheeks.

Just then Assistant Director Travis' secretary suddenly appeared. "Excuse me, Gentlemen," she said softly. "Did you happen to see a white bag? AD Travis thought he left it here."

"I think this might be it, ma'am," Nathan said, offering the white paper bag to the young lady.

"Thanks," she said and turned to go.

Ezra froze with his coffee half way to his mouth, watching after the secretary. "What just happened here?"

Chris shook his head, running a hand through his hair and turning to Vin. "AD Travis?"

Buck shrugged. "Well, even older people need some lovin'."

"Amen," Josiah breathed.

JD made a face that looked like he'd just sniffed sour milk. "I so didn't need to hear that."