ATF Universe
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He sat on the bed, clutching Chris´ pillow to him, his eyes squeezed tightly shut. “He´ll call, he´ll call,” he repeated quietly over and over. He´d lost all track of time when the door opened slowly and Buck entered. “Get out,” he growled, his throat hoarse from the nearly silent chanting he´d been doing.“I can´t do that, son,” Buck said sadly. “Can´t leave you here like this by yourself.”
“He´ll call,” was the only response Vin could give. “If´n you don´t believe that, you don´t belong here as his friend.”
The words would have hurt had he not recognized the pain and fear behind them. “I´m your friend too, Vin,” he said softly, slowly moving to sit on the bed next to the shaken man.
They were both silent for a few moments. “He has to call,” Vin finally whispered into the darkening room. “I finally had it all figured out. A way he could keep it all.”
“Keep what, Vin?” Buck asked, almost as quietly.
Vin got up and moved to stand before the window, the pillow still clutched to his chest. “He had it all before, Buck,” he finally said softly.
Buck moved to turn on the lamp on the bedside table, but didn´t say anything, recognizing the other man´s need to speak for what it was – a way to break the silence while they waited for news.
Vin turned to face him, his eyes clouded with sadness. “He had the tree and the decoratin´ and Christmas mornin´ with his little boy.” He paused for a moment, a sad smile turning up the corners of his mouth. “God, Buck, when he talks ‘bout Adam at Christmas, his whole face just lights up, don´t it? And Sarah – he gets this soft look in his eyes that just tells ya how much he loved her.”
“Yeah,” Buck concurred cautiously. “He did love Sarah and Adam. Always will, I guess. But that doesn´t take anything away from what the two of you have together.”
“I know that,” Vin insisted, his certainty of that fact reflected in his eyes. “That´s just the point. I don´t wanna take nothin´ away from what they had together either.”
“I´m not sure I follow,” Buck admitted with a small frown.
Vin took a deep breath and turned away, staring out at the yard. “When we´s all out here th´other day, talkin´ ‘bout Christmas memories, I tried real hard ta remember what things were like with my ma,” Vin revealed. “I remember Christmas bein´ a happy time, but I couldn´t really come up with one p´ticular mem´ry that made it so. Over the years, they just faded away, I reckon.”
“You were just a kid,” Buck pointed out gently.
“Chris´ mem´ries´ll fade too soon as it is. Don´t need no help from me,” he finally said so quietly that Buck had to strain to hear him.
“What´s that supposed to mean?” Buck asked, getting to his feet and crossing the room to stand behind Vin.
Vin turned and looked up at the mustached man. “He´s already got some real good mem´ries of puttin´ up the tree and decoratin´. They mean a lot to him.”
“Yeah, they do,” Buck said gently, placing a hand on the smaller man´s shoulder. “But you mean just as much. He´ll always have his memories of Sarah and Adam, but he´s done livin´ in the past, Vin. You saw to that the first day you walked into that office.”
“And I´ve never been so thankful for anything in my life,” Vin assured him. “Me ‘n Chris have our whole lives together to make our own mem´ries. But the ones he has of Christmas with his family are special. I don´t ‘tend ta interfere with that.”
“What makes you think Chris can´t hold on to both?” Buck asked compassionately.
“They´re all the same, Buck,” Vin explained, turning away again. “I didn´t realize ‘til I heard the stories you´s tellin´ but they´re the same things, the same events. I´s able ta picture every single one in m´head because they were the same´s mine, only instead of Adam pickin´ the biggest tree, it was me and instead of Sarah insistin´ on havin´ ya over ta decorate, it was me. I wanted it all ‘cuz it was new ta me. Didn´t stop ta think that it weren´t new ta Chris. Reckon I´s just bein´ selfish.”
Buck put a hand on the other man´s shoulder and turned him until their eyes met. “Now you listen to me, Junior,” he said firmly. “I don´t wanna hear you talking like that. You´re the least selfish person I know and it doesn´t matter whether or not you believe that, I know it and more importantly Chris knows it. You´ve got your own place in his heart, Vin, and nothing could ever replace you there, same as nothing can replace Sarah or Adam.”
“Ya ain´t listenin´, Buck,” Vin said gently, holding the other man´s gaze with a pleading one of his own. “This ain´t ‘bout me or Sarah or Adam. It´s about Chris. I know I could never take their place ‘n I know I got my own with him. Wouldn´t do nothin´ ta change any´a that. But the mem´ries he has of those times are gonna fade, just like the ones I had´a Christmas with my ma. I ain´t never gonna forget her, but I can´t remember the little details that made me feel so safe and loved.” He touched Buck´s arm, his eyes searching the taller man´s for a sign that he understood. “I don´t want Chris ta forget the details, Buck,” he said softly. “The best gift I could give him is ta make sure he holds on ta them as long as he can.”
The pained determination in Vin´s eyes brought a lump to Buck´s throat that rendered him speechless for a moment. The young man was willing to sacrifice the Christmas he'd waited his whole life for just to ensure that Chris' memories of Christmas with his family remained intact. Buck knew it wasn't necessary, but Chris was the only one who'd be able to prove that to the selfless man.
Of course, first Chris had to come home.
“He´s gonna call,” Vin whispered, as though reading the other man´s mind.
Buck could only nod and Vin turned back to stare out at the darkness. The silence in the room hung over them, both waiting for it to be shattered by the sound of the telephone ringing.
And both dreading the news that call might bring.
The quiet was finally broken by a knock at the door. Vin´s eyes darted to Buck´s with undisguised panic and the taller agent quickly got to his feet to see who it was.
“Anything?” he asked quietly as he opened the door to Nathan.
“Still no names,” Nate informed him though his gaze went to where Vin stood. “They reached the site where the plane went down.”
“And?” Vin finally had to prod. The tone of the ex- medic´s voice told him there was more.
“There were no survivors,” Nathan answered after a brief hesitation. He swallowed the lump caused by the next piece of news. “Reports are saying there was a federal agent on board,” he concluded, his voice breaking.
Vin turned away from them, as though the blackness outside the window could somehow obliterate the cold lump in the pit of his stomach. “All kindsa federal agents flyin´ in and outta Washington every day. It ain´t Chris,” he whispered fiercely.
Buck moved to stand behind him. “Vin,” he ventured cautiously, as he reached out to put a hand on the hunched shoulders. “You have to…”
“No!” Vin shouted, turning with lightening speed and delivering a well placed blow to the other man´s jaw. He stood looking down at where Buck had fallen, his chest heaving with barely controlled emotion. “I don´t wanna hear it Buck, you understand? Whatever the Hell you´s gonna say, I don´t fuckin´ wanna hear it!”
Nathan stood frozen in the doorway for a moment, taking in the scene before he made a move toward the shaking man. “Take it easy, Vin,” he soothed, trying to calm the sharpshooter. “Ain´t no call ta be hittin´ anybody now.”
“Then tell him ta keep his mouth shut,” Vin growled angrily. “I don´t hafta do nothin´.”
With that, he flew from the room nearly knocking over Nate and the three men in the hall who´d been heading to check on the commotion. Voices called to him, but he didn´t hear a word as he blindly ran through the kitchen and out the back door into the night.
Buck got to his feet, rubbing his jaw. “I´ll get him,” he stated, leaving no room for argument.
He grabbed his own coat and Vin´s as he made his way through the house. Once outside, he paused only a moment before heading to the barn. Approaching quietly, he heard the sharpshooter before he saw him. When he did, the scene brought tears to his eyes.
Vin stood, his arms draped around his beloved horse´s neck, his shoulders shaking with the force of his nearly silent sobs.
Buck brushed the wetness from his own eyes and gave the other man a moment before approaching him carefully. “Put this on, son,” he finally suggested, holding out the jacket.
Vin slowly turned, his strength seemingly gone from him. With numb fingers, he took the jacket and put it on, though he left it undone.
Buck knew the Texan got cold easily and briefly wondered how quickly he´d be able to coax him inside out of the frigid air.
“It ain´t fair,” Vin rasped. He tried to swallow the tremor in his voice. “Made my first Christmas wish ever, did ya know that, Bucklin?” He hadn´t been expecting a response and continued without waiting for one. “Wished that Chris could hold on ta all his mem´ries forever.” He turned sad eyes on his friend and his voice dropped to a hoarse whisper. “Now I just wish he´d come home.” He drew a shaky breath and hastily scrubbed a hand over his face. “Just ain´t fair.”
Buck´s own wish was that he could offer some reassurance, but until they knew more, there were no promises to make. “We should go inside,” he said softly. “We´re gonna freeze our asses off out here.”
“Can´t go in there, Buck,” Vin whispered desperately, his eyes showing a hint of panic. “Please.”
The plea killed the soft-hearted agent´s desire to push the matter. Going to a pile in the corner, he grabbed a blanket and draped it around his friend´s shoulders. “Ok,” he said softly. “We don´t have to go in just yet.”
Vin lowered himself to a hay bale and sat while Buck got another blanket and wrapped it around his own chilly form before coming to sit beside him.
“Ya really think Chris woulda liked it?” Vin finally asked wistfully.
It took only a few seconds for Buck to realize that he was talking about the gift he´d cancelled. “Yeah, I think he´d love it,” he replied with a small smile.
Vin turned to face him then, his eyes glassy with tears. “Wanted ta give him somethin´ only I could, ya know?” he mused softly. “Somethin´ ta show him how much this all means ta me.”
“He already knows,” Buck assured him. “Because it means just as much to him. And you´ve already given each other the greatest gift anyone could. You gave him a reason to go on living and he gave you a reason to start. Ain´t nothing more special than that.”
“Didn´t always make it easy on him, though,” Vin said quietly. “Fought the bit a good part´a the time. Getting together, movin´ out here.” He raised his gaze to lock onto that of his friend. “Weren´t because I didn´t want it,” he added for clarification. “Wanted it all near from the first time I saw him. Just never dreamed I could have somethin´ so good in my life.”
Buck nodded in understanding. “But ol´ Chris don´t give up easy when he sets his sights on something,” the mustached man offered with a small smile.
“Ya got that right,” Vin agreed with a slow shake of his head. “Man´s like a dog worryin´ a bone.” He allowed the silence to drift over them for a few minutes. “He didn´t push, but he never gave up on me neither. He was sure, even when I wasn´t, but he let me take m´own time ta figure it out.”
He drew the blanket more tightly around him. “I wanted ta show him that I wanted this as much as he did. That he wasn´t the only one willin´ ta make a commitment.”
Buck nodded again. “So, what changed your mind?” he asked compassionately.
He lowered his head, unable to meet the other man´s eyes. “Reckon I just realized how little it was compared ta what he had before,” he replied.
That was the end of the explanation, but given their previous discussion, Buck was able to figure out the rest for himself. “And you were afraid of tarninshin´ yet another memory he had of Sarah,” he quietly concluded.
Vin took a deep breath and blew it out in a sigh. “Sounds pretty stupid, don´t it?”
Buck put an arm around his friend´s trembling shoulders. “Don´t sound stupid at all, Junior,” he soothed.
“Still wanted ta give it ta him someday,” Vin admitted. “Maybe not for Christmas, but …” The words trailed off as tears rolled down the pale face.
Buck hugged him and let his own tears fall.
They sat like that for a few moments until he felt the shuddering sobs replaced with a persistent shivering. “Let´s get you inside,” he suggested once again. “You´re freezing.”
Vin nodded desolately and allowed the other man to help him to his feet. They crossed the yard into the house in silence, Buck shaking his head slightly at the four sets of concerned eyes.
No one said a word as Vin made his way back to the bedroom, but they all followed, trying to offer what little support they could to their friend. Once inside the room, Vin looked around as though surprised to see where he was.
He sank to the bed and lowered his head to his hands. “Oh, God.”
The words were uttered in such deep and complete devastation that the other men could almost feel their hearts breaking.
Josiah took the initiative and pushed past his comrades to approach the bed. Without saying a word, he sat down beside the stricken man. “Faith is a powerful, thing, brother,” he said softly. “And you need to hold on to every bit of it right now. It´s strong enough to carry us through the most violent storms, but you have to let it.”
Vin didn´t raise his head or respond in any manner, leaving the other men to wonder if he´d heard a single word.
“I´ll get him something to help him rest,” Nathan said quietly to Buck. “Hate seein´ him suffer like this when we don´t know for sure what´s what.”
Buck only nodded as their friend left the room.
When he returned, he had two pills and a glass of water in his hands. “Here, Vin,” he urged quietly. “I brought you somethin´ t´help you relax.”
Vin looked up for the first time since he´d collapsed on the bed, his eyes red rimmed and glassy. “Don´t wanna relax,” he said in a defeated tone.
“These won´t put you out,” Nathan assured him. “They´ll just calm your nerves a bit, OK?”
He´d give anything to feel calm at the moment, but he knew the only thing that would accomplish that was knowing Chris was safe. Seeing the five sets of eyes trained on him, he realized he didn´t have the strength or the inclination to fight them. Not to mention they weren´t going to leave him in peace until he took the damned pills. “Fine,” he finally said, taking the glass and the pills from the other man´s hand. After he´d taken them, he thrust the empty glass back and lowered his head again. “Now ya can all just leave me the Hell alone.”
Buck nodded toward the other men, silently indicating that he would stay with the worried Texan.
While the drugs hadn´t been meant to put him to sleep, he soon found his inner turmoil taking its toll.
“Why don´t you lay back and rest some, son,” Buck suggested, taking in the slumped shoulders and heavy-looking head. “I´ll wake you the minute we hear anything.”
“Won´t be sleepin´,” Vin sighed with a slow shake of his head. “Not ‘til I know.”
Buck didn´t doubt it for a moment, but hoped that the younger man would be able to get some rest, if only from the thoughts and fears now plaguing his mind. “I´m gonna go and check to see if JD found out anything more,” he said. “I´ll be back to check on you in a bit.”
“Don´t need ya ta check on me,” the man said stubbornly. “Just leave me be.”
With a sigh Buck left the room to meet up with the others in the den.
“They´re not releasing the names until next of kin have been notified,” JD informed him gravely. “Travis is trying to find out about the fed on board. They´re not saying which agency or anything.”
“The fact that Mr. Tanner, as Mr. Larabee´s next of kin, has yet to receive such notification should stand us in good stead, should it not?” Ezra asked hopefully.
“Hard to tell, Ez,” Buck sighed. “Sometimes these things take time.”
“Chris would have called,” JD said quietly. “You said he´d call back, Buck.”
“Now we don´t know that that´s anything to worry about in itself,” Buck reminded their youngest team member. “ Could be he´s still waitin´ on a flight and didn´t see any sense in callin´ ‘till he knew for sure when he´d be getting in.”
They noticed Nathan slip quietly from the room, heading in the direction of the master bedroom and return a moment later.
“He´s asleep,” he informed them. “I doubt it´ll last, but his mind´s wearin´ him out. He´ll need his strength later if…” He couldn´t finish the thought aloud.
But they all heard it anyway and were silent as they thought about what it would mean to each of them.
It was that silent room that Chris walked in on. “Guys?” he said, instantly concerned.
Five sets of eyes flew up to stare at him, five mouths hanging open in shock.
“Chris,” Buck finally breathed, crossing the room to embrace his friend. “Thank God.”
“I might,” Chris mused, frowning at the reaction. “Might want to know what for first.”
“Where the Hell have you been?” Buck asked, irritation replacing his initial relief. “You said you´d call back.”
“Sorry, mom,” Chris scowled. “My cell died and if I´d waited in line at the payphone, I would have missed my flight.”
“Never heard of air phones?” Buck demanded, angry now that the sudden wave of relief had passed.
“Got a chance to take an earlier flight but it was an older plane,” Chris grated through clenched teeth. “It´s been a Hell of a day and I´m not in the mood for twenty questions, Buck. What the Hell is going on?” He searched the room. “Where´s Vin?”
“Jesus, Chris,” Buck said, running a hand through his hair. “He said you were getting a private flight and then we heard that a small plane had gone down between Dulles and Denver with a federal agent on board. We thought…”
“Jesus,” Chris repeated the soft curse, paling as he realized what his friends must have thought. “I didn´t know.” His eyes flitted around again in near desperation. “Where is he?”
“Sleeping,” Nathan informed him, unable to keep the relieved smile from his face. “I gave him something to calm him down, but you´re just what the doctor ordered, Chris.”
Chris dropped his bag and turned toward the bedroom only to stop when he saw the figure standing in the doorway.
“Chris?” the younger man whispered as though unable to believe what he was seeing.
Tears sprang to the blonde´s eyes as he instantly took in the Texan´s haggard expression. Without a word, and uncaring who was there to see it, he crossed quickly to his lover and took him in his arms. “It´s OK, Vin,” he whispered hoarsely. “God, I´m sorry. I didn´t know.”
Vin clung to him, tears streaming down his face as he breathed in the comforting scent of the man he loved. He couldn´t say anything, only nodding in acknowledgement of Chris´ words.
Feeling the body trembling in his arms, Chris pulled back slightly and cupped the tear-streaked face in both hands. “I´m here,” he said softly. “And I´m not going anywhere.” With that, he lowered his lips to Vin´s and kissed him deeply.
The other five men ducked their heads to hide the tears in their own eyes at the touching reunion, then headed into the kitchen to give their friends some privacy.
“Don't think I've ever seen anything so ...,” JD mused in wonder, unable to find the words to voice his thoughts.
"Love is a beautiful thing, John Dunne," Josiah grinned from across the room.
Buck nodded, his expression similar to JD's. They all knew Chris and Vin were together and committed to one another, but rarely did they see an open display of affection between them and it had touched them all. If he hadn´t realized it before, he knew now that what they shared was forever and it gave him a warm feeling inside.
“Might I suggest we leave and let Misters Tanner and Larabee to their privacy?” Ezra suggested. “Something tells me that our illustrious leader will want to reassure our young friend without the hindrance of prying eyes.”
“Good idea, Ez,” Nathan agreed with a grin. “Ain´t nothing any of us can do here that Chris can´t do better.”
“I think this calls for a celebration,” Josiah announced joyfully. “You´re all invited to my place.”
“Considering how we had expected to spend this evening, I think that sounds like a wonderful idea, Mr. Sanchez.”
“I´ll just go tell Chris we´re leaving,” Buck offered, already heading for the door leading to the den. When he didn´t find the two men where they´d left them, he made his way down the hall to where the door of the master bedroom stood open. The scene before him sent yet another wave of warmth through him. Chris sat on the bed, his back to the headboard, a sleeping Vin held protectively in his arms.
Buck mouthed their intention to leave and was surprised when Chris gave a slight shake of his head. He watched as the blonde carefully extricated himself from the other man and made a move to leave the bed, pausing only to brush a light kiss on the peaceful forehead as the Texan stirred. Once Chris was satisfied that his lover was still asleep, he quietly made his way to where Buck still stood outside the door.
“He´s exhausted,” Chris sighed. “What´d Nathan give him?”
“Said it wouldn´t knock him out, just relax him a little,” Buck said in assurance. “He was in a bad way, Chris, and he got pretty cold out in the barn.”
“He give you that?” Chris asked, lightly touching the bruise on Buck´s face.
“That he did,” Buck grinned wryly. “Man moves like lightnin´. I´d stay on his good side if I were you.”
“I´ll keep that in mind,” Chris smiled, turning back to glance at the sleeping man.
“We´re heading over to Josiah´s,” Buck informed the blonde as the others gathered in the doorway leading to the den. “Give you two some privacy.”
“He shouldn´t sleep long,” Nathan declared almost apologetically. “Just wanted to relax him a little.”
“Thanks,” Chris replied with a slight grimace. “Can´t imagine what was going through his mind.”
“He´ll be fine, brother,” Josiah promised. “He´s got all he needs here now.”
Chris caught Buck´s expression out of the corner of his eye and turned to look at his old friend with a quizzical look and a silent message.
Buck understood both. “Maybe I´ll hang back for a bit,” he suggested to the others. “Keep Chris company until Junior wakes up.”
“Sure Buck,” JD agreed. “I´ll catch a ride in the Jag.”
They all smiled at that. JD never suggested riding in Josiah´s Suburban or Nathan´s Explorer if Ezra´s Jag was at hand.
“I´d be most happy with your company,” Ezra assured him with a smile. “Shall we?”
Once they were alone, Chris checked to make sure Vin was still asleep, then lead Buck to the kitchen. “What´s up?” he asked, starting a pot of coffee.
“I ain´t sure it´s my place to say, Chris,” Buck replied hesitantly. “But Vin´s cancelled the decorating party altogether.”
Chris thought for a moment. “Probably didn´t feel much like a party when he thought I´d been killed in a plane crash,” he finally said, a hard edge to his voice.
“It ain´t that, Chris,” Buck informed him coolly. “Hell, do you think we sat around discussing decorating ideas while we thought you were…” He broke off his tirade, turning his head to stare out the dark kitchen window much the same way Vin had done in the bedroom.
“I´m sorry,” Chris sighed, running a hand through his hair. “God, Buck. I didn´t mean that.”
Buck took a moment to allow the apology to soothe his own rattled nerves. “Forget it,” he finally said, returning his gaze to Chris´. When he continued, his voice was devoid of anger. “You know as well as I do that something´s been bothering that boy,” he reminded him. “And the whole idea of decorating the tree is a part of it.”
“Why?” Chris asked, genuinely confused. “It was Vin´s idea, the tree, the decorating, all of it.”
“Well, I might be partly to blame for his change in plans, Chris,” Buck admitted reluctantly. “When we were talking about Christmas memories, I just couldn´t shut up about Sarah and the way she used to invite me out to decorate the tree.”
“That´s ridiculous, Buck,” Chris snapped. “You trying to tell me Vin is jealous of Sarah?”
“No, stud, that ain´t it,” Buck answered shortly. “If you´d shut up and let me finish.”
Chris wearily took a seat at the table. “Go on,” he said.
Buck sat across from him. “This is all new to Vin,” he tried to explain. “He ain´t never had nobody to decorate a tree with. Hell, he ain´t had nobody to celebrate with most of his life.”
“I know that, Buck,” Chris agreed. “That´s why I wanted to make this year special. For him.”
“And he wants that for you too, Chris. But somehow he´s convinced himself that making new memories with him will somehow make the ones you have of Sarah and Adam fade faster.”
“That´s bullshit,” Chris retorted, an angry spark in his eyes. "He actually said that?”
“He´s only thinking of you, pard,” Buck said gently. “He´s looking at the events. He doesn´t have the experience to realize that it´s the people who make the memories what they are. As far as he can see, decorating a tree with him is going to somehow take away from your memories of doing the same things with Sarah.” He paused a moment to let the words sink in. “He doesn´t want those memories to fade any faster than they have to, and to make sure, he decided to give up his own.”
“Jesus,” Chris breathed, scrubbing a hand over his face. “Why the Hell didn´t I see any of this?”
“Because about the same time he realized it, you were on your way to Washington,” Buck pointed out gently.
“Fuck,” Chris cursed under his breath.
“That man in there loves you a helluva lot, Chris,” Buck said softly. “Ain´t sure I realized just how much ‘til tonight.”
“Thanks, Buck,” Chris said, getting to his feet. “I´ll talk to him as soon as he wakes up.”
Buck felt like a tremendous burden had been lifted from him, knowing that Chris would be able to put the younger man´s fears to rest. “I´m gonna go,” he said quietly. “You OK?”
“I will be,” Chris assured him with a nod before glancing in the direction of the main hall. “As soon as he is.”
“Then I´m leaving you both in good hands.” Wilmington smiled. “See you tomorrow.”
Chris walked him to the door and watched him leave before returning to the room where Vin still slept. He simply stared down at him for a moment, still in awe that such a loving, caring man could find anything in him worth reviving. But that´s just what the lean Texan had done – revived him. He´d given him new life and found the heart Larabee had thought he´d buried with his wife and son. He´d healed it, nurtured it back to the point where it was once again able to beat with passion and love.
And then he´d stolen it.
And Chris never, ever wanted it back.
Vin began to stir, breaking Chris from his reverie.
“Chris!” the smaller man shouted, sitting up suddenly, his eyes darting around the room.
“Shhh,” Chris soothed, reaching down to take the trembling body in his arms. “I´m here, pard. It´s all right.”
Vin took a moment to catch his breath, then pulled back to look up into his lover´s eyes. He traced the face he knew so well with trembling fingers. “You´re all right?” he breathed, needing to hear the words.
“I´m better than all right,” Chris assured him, bestowing his sweetest smile on the other man. “How can I be anything else as long as I´m here with you?”
Vin pulled him closer, wrapping his arms around the blonde and allowing the warmth of his lover´s body to chase away the last of his fears. “I´m so glad you´re here,” he said quietly.
Chris stretched out beside him and took him more fully into his arms. “Me too,” he murmured, brushing Vin´s temple with his lips. “Missed you.”
“Missed you, too.”
The lay like that for a while, each enjoying the feeling of just being held.
“The guys gone?” Vin asked finally.
“Yep,” Chris answered. “Went over to Josiah´s. Thought we could use some time alone.”
Vin tilted his head to look into his lover´s face, his blue eyes sparkling. “They did, huh?”
“Yeah,” Chris said on a chuckle. “I guess seeing that kiss kinda drove the point home.”
Vin blushed only slightly, remembering the depth of feeling in the kiss but not the fact that anyone else had been witness to it. “Think it shook them up a little?” he asked.
“No, but I wouldn´t care if it did,” Chris answered with a slight shrug of his shoulders. “I love you, Vin. I don´t care who knows it.” He was silent for a moment as he felt the Texan snuggle in closer. “I talked to Buck,” he finally said quietly. The tensing in the other man´s body didn´t go unnoticed. “Wanna tell me about it?”
“If´n ya already talked ta Buck, I reckon there´s not much more ta tell,” Vin replied evasively.
Chris drew back to look at him. “There´s still a lot I need to know,” he said. “Starting with why you think I can´t add new memories without losing the ones I have.”
“Hasn´t been that long for ya, Chris,” Vin answered after a brief pause to collect his thoughts. “You still have ‘em now, but they´re gonna fade. I had good mem´ries once. Tried so hard to hold onta them, but in the end, it didn´t matter none. The more time went by, the harder it was ta remember.” He pulled himself up and sat cross-legged on the bed, watching his hands as they absently traced the design on the comforter.
“And you think giving up your own memories is going to keep that from happening to me?” Chris asked quietly.
“Maybe not,” Vin concurred. “But it might slow it down some.”
“How do you figure?”
Vin turned his head to look at him then. “Everything Buck said about the way it was with Sarah and Adam,” he breathed. “It was the same as what we have now. When you think back on Christmas, I don´t want ya to just see me. They meant too much to ya for that.”
“You mean just as much,” Chris pointed out without hesitation.
“I know that,” Vin assured him, placing a hand on his arm. “Really, I do. All the more reason I don´t need that stuff ta make the holiday special. We´ve got each other, here and now, every day of the year. All ya have left of them is the past and I don´t wanna ruin that for ya.”
In that instant, the previously puzzling reasons behind Vin´s recent insecurities became clear. Chris had a lifetime of good memories and Vin had spent a good deal of his young life trying to hold on to the few he had. Where the blonde could recall countless happy Christmases, the other man had to struggle to remember a single one. Time had eroded them to the point where they were disjointed feelings – real enough, but separated from the events and the people who had made them special.
Never had the difference in their backgrounds been more evident and Chris felt a profound sense of loss for the man at his side.
He studied the Texan´s face for a moment, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. “Got something to show you,” he finally said, getting off the bed and heading for the closet. Vin watched as he reached up, located a shoe box and brought it over to the bed. Sitting across from his partner, he nodded at the box.
“What´s this?” Vin asked.
“Open it,” Chris advised.
Vin did and sat silently looking into the box for a moment before raising blue eyes to meet green, one eyebrow raised quizzically. “Looks like a box´a trash, Chris.”
“Far from it,” Chris said with a chuckle. “Everything in that box is a reminder of you.”
Vin frowned and returned his gaze to the box. Gingerly taking out a piece of eggshell, he held it up. “I remind ya of a chicken,” he deadpanned.
Chris laughed full out at that. “No, Vin.” He took the shell from his lover´s hand like it was the most precious of treasures. “This is from our first breakfast together.”
Vin´s eyes widened slightly. “Yer shittin´ me,” he said in obvious surprise.
“Nope.” Chris shook his head and reached for his lover´s hand. “Do you have any idea how many eggs I´ve eaten since this one? Do you think all those other breakfasts could make that first one any less special to me? It´s not the egg or having breakfast that´s the memory, Vin. It´s who I shared it with that makes it something I´ll want to remember for the rest of my life.”
He saw Vin struggling with the concept. “Don´t you have any momentoes, pard?” he asked softly. “Something to remind you of the good times?”
Vin shook his head slowly, the outline of a wry smile gently kissing his features. “Only thing I got left is the harmonica my gran´pa gave me. Hard ta hang onta stuff when it´s bein´ taken from ya at every turn,” he drawled quietly. He looked up, his eyes bright. “Had a picture once,” he admitted, “of my ma.”
Chris smiled warmly. “What happened to it?”
Vin shrugged. “Somebody threw it out with a buncha other stuff one time when I was bein´ carted off ta another home,” he said matter of factly, like it was the most natural thing in the world for one to have his keepsakes thrown away like so much refuse. “It was cracked and faded. Guess it looked like just another piece´a trash ta them.”
“I´m sorry,” the blonde said quietly.
Vin nodded and continued slowly sifting through the things in the box, though his mind seemed miles away. Chris could almost see it traveling to the last time he´d seen the picture.
“If you´d had another ma,” Chris ventured gently. “If you´d been adopted and raised by another woman, would you have forgotten your real ma? Even without the picture?”
“´Course not!” he exclaimed defiantly. “She was my ma. I may not r´member all the things she done, or the way her voice sounded when she sang me ta sleep, but I´ll never forget she loved me.”
“What if your new ma loved you just as much?” Chris continued with the trace of a smile. “If she sang the same songs to you?”
Vin shrugged uncomfortably. “Don´t rightly know,” he admitted. “Never really had ta worry about that none.”
“The memories are in your mind, Vin,” Chris pointed out. “They may fade with time and age, but the love is in your heart. Nothing can touch it there.”
Vin swallowed hard as Chris´ words hit home. “Reckon I never thought about it like that,” he finally managed.
Chris nodded. “It´s not the actions, it´s the feelings. And the ones I share with you are every bit as important to me as the ones I shared with Sarah and Adam and Buck. I want to make memories with you, Vin. I want them to be special for both of us and they´ll never replace the old ones, they´ll just add to them.” He allowed a moment for the words and their meaning to sink in. “If anything, they´ll mean even more to me because I know how much they mean to you.” He gently lifted the other man´s chin until he could look into the emotive blue eyes. “We clear on that, pard?”
Vin blushed slightly and nodded with a smile. “Yeah, we´re clear.”
“Good,” Chris said gruffly. “I´d really hate to have to kick your ass so close to Christmas.”
“Yeah, right,” Vin snorted, his hands sifting through the rest of the items in the box. “What else ya got in here?”
Chris searched for and pulled out a slip of paper. “Remember the first night you stayed over here? You left me a note in the morning, saying you were in the barn. Guess you didn´t want me waking up alone and thinking you´d changed your mind.”
“You kept that?” Vin asked incredulously, reaching for the paper and reading it. “I´ll be damned.”
Chris was pulling out other items. “Ticket stub from our first movie, check from the restaurant the night you first said you loved me, parking ticket I got out front of your apartment the first night we made love… ”
Vin blushed, but joined the other man in picking things out of the box. He extracted a newspaper clipping, just the masthead and main headline, no articles. He smiled as he read the date. “The day I moved in for good.”
Chris nodded and reached for another item. “Postcard from that little bed and breakfast you liked so much,” he said with a sexy grin.
“Had a nice view,” Vin stated absently as he picked up something from the bottom of the box. Holding up the beer cap, he raised one eyebrow. “Don´t tell me … our first hangover.”
“Close,” Chris replied with a wink. “The bottle of beer you had when we toasted our new living arrangements.”
Vin blushed again as he thought about that weekend. They´d made love in practically every room in the house, hard and fast, slow and sweetly tortuous and every way in between.
“Yeah,” Chris said softly, his mind following the same path. “You were somethin´ else, Tanner.”
“Weren´t so bad yerself as I recall,” Vin managed with a smile, though the colour in his cheeks deepened.
“Wish I could have figured out a way to put that in the box,” Chris lamented with amusement.
“What?” Vin asked warily.
“First time you blushed for me,” the blonde grinned wickedly.
Vin rolled his eyes before turning back to the box. After a moment of silently contemplating its contents and what they meant, he shook his head in awe. “Never would have guessed ya ta be so sentimental, Cowboy.”
“Yeah, well if it gets out, you know I´m going to have to shoot you, right?” Chris replied, seeing that the younger man was becoming overwhelmed.
Vin was grateful for the gesture and played his part. “Let me guess, as soon as they dig the bullet outta my ass, it´ll be goin´ in the box.”
“First time I shot you?” Chris mused as though thinking on the matter. “Yep, I think that would qualify as a keeper.”
Vin chuckled, shaking his head as he reached for the last item, a pen.
“From the first hotel room we shared,” Chris clarified upon seeing the questioning look.
“That´s stealin´, Larabee,” Vin teased, pushing Chris down on the bed and draping himself over the blonde´s chest. “As a federal agent, I´m afraid I´m just gonna have ta do somethin´ ‘bout that.”
“What did you have in mind?” Chris asked, cocking one eyebrow.
“Hmm,” Tanner purred, nuzzling the blonde´s neck. “Might just have ta search ya, see if´n ya got any other stolen merchandise stashed away.”
“Well, now,” he sighed as Vin´s lips reached a particularly sensitive spot beneath his ear. “Wouldn´t do for me to be resisting a search from a federal agent, would it?”
“Couldn´t if´n ya tried,” Tanner murmured as he nibbled his way over the tempting skin. “Been told I´m irresistible.”
Larabee gasped as teeth latched onto the sensitive flesh of an earlobe. “Who….” He felt a shiver run through him as a warm tongue soothed the bitten flesh. “Who told you that?” he finally managed to rasp.
“Certain blonde, uppity Cowboy I know,” Vin replied on a sigh. “Always actin´ the badass, goin´ ‘round glaring the shit outta anybody gets in his way.” He pulled back then, a mischievous glint in the sparkling blue eyes to match the teasing, lopsided grin. “And all the while he keeps a bunch´a trinkets in an ol´ shoebox like a kid collectin´ baseball cards.”
Chris´ arms tightened around him like a vise, effectively pinning the younger man´s arms to his sides. “Damned, ornery Texan,” he growled, though there was nothing but love and amusement shining in his eyes. “You´re gonna pay for that.”
“Anytime, Cowboy,” Vin murmured, lowering his lips to claim Chris´ in a deep, lingering kiss. The blonde released his hold on the younger man´s arms and moaned softly as the Texan´s hands began to caress his body in slow, loving strokes. His own fingers took their cue from their mates and began roaming over his lover´s strong back.
When they finally parted for air, the teasing mood had been replaced by one of mounting desire. “I love you, Chris,” Vin whispered breathlessly.
He looked deep into the blue eyes. “I love you, too,” he murmured, his expression suddenly more serious. “Sometimes I wonder if you really know how much.”
Vin´s gaze softened at that and a sweet smile lit his face. “Reckon I know,” he said softly. “I see it every time ya look at me, hear it every time ya say m´name, feel it every time ya touch me.” He stroked one finger gently down his lover´s cheek. “And even without any´a that, I´d know ‘cuz I love ya just as much.”
Chris smiled up into his lover´s face before gently rolling them over, reversing their positions. “Just to be on the safe side, I think maybe I´d better show you anyway.”
“Hmmm, thorough, I like that,” Vin sighed as the blonde´s body covered his like a comforting blanket.
“You ain´t seen nothin´ yet,” Chris promised, right before his lips swept down to meet those of his lover.
The kiss was long and deep, both passionate and tender as two sets of hands began the enjoyable task of removing every piece of clothing that lay between their rapidly heating bodies.
Once they were both naked, Chris sat straddling his lover´s thighs. “Now, I believe I owe you for that crack you made about a kid and his baseball cards,” he threatened playfully. “Not to mention that little game of yours on the phone last night.”
“Liked that, did ya?” Vin grinned.
Chris bent to inhale the scent of the other man´s hair. “Oh yeah,” he breathed. “Liked hearing about it a whole lot. But now I aim to experience every bit of it first hand.” He closed his eyes as the familiar scent of Vin´s shampoo teased his senses. “Just like I said,” he murmured. “A mountain morning.”
Vin was just about to tease him about saving the next empty bottle for Chris´ box when the blonde´s mouth latched onto his neck, alternately suckling and nipping at the sensitive skin there. The intended retort flew out of his mind and left in its wake only a long, low moan of pure pleasure.
But Chris didn´t stop there. Slowly he trailed lips, tongue and teeth over every inch of the Texan´s neck before moving down to start on the hard chest. By the time he reached the navel, the body beneath him was writing with unchecked desire.
“God, Chris,” he gasped, clutching at the strong shoulders above him.
Chris raised his head and smiled wickedly at the flushed face. “Seems to me I remember something about cutting glass.”
Vin´s fevered mind was still trying to place the reference when a set of warm lips moved up to circle one nipple. He arched his back, hissing at the sensation when teeth came into play, teasing the tiny bud to peak hardness before moving on to its twin. He breathing had been reduced to shallow pants by the time Chris raised his head to appraise his work. “That oughtta do it,” he mused. “A shame we don´t have any glass handy to
test them out.”
“Reckon…” Vin gasped. “Reckon you´ll just hafta take my word on it.”
“Reckon so,” Chris breathed, leaning in to plant a gentle kiss between the two hardened nubs. “Now, if I remember correctly, the party moved slightly south from there.”
Vin swallowed hard as he felt his lover´s mouth tracking kisses down the middle of his flat stomach. When the blonde´s warm breath began to stir the wiry curls at his groin, he couldn´t resist a low moan.
Chris teased for a few moments, circling the throbbing member without touching, enticing his lover to even greater heights before finally sweeping the tip of his tongue over the weeping head.
Vin´s hips bucked off the bed, a curse rasping from his lips at the sudden sensation.
“Liked that, did ya?” Chris chuckled, mimicking the Texan´s words.
“Like don´t cover it, Cowboy,” Vin groaned, twining his fingers through the other man´s blonde locks. “God, Chris, ya got me so hard I´m gonna bust.”
“Now that would be a shame,” Chris teased. “Because then I wouldn´t get to do this.” He lowered his mouth over the hardened shaft, and began sucking ardently.
“Chris!” Vin cried out, his head thrashing wildly as he struggled against the urge to thrust too hard into the mouth that was so sweetly tormenting him.
Chris quickly realized the younger man´s plight and held the lean hips firmly, giving his lover one less thing to have to concentrate on.
And not a moment too soon as Vin lost all capacity for coherent thought.
“ohgodohgodohgod,” he panted desperately.
Knowing his lover was close, Chris relinquished the twitching cock and rose to cup the other man´s face. “Hold on, pard,” he whispered, kissing the trembling lips gently. “We´re in this together, remember?”
“Hurry,” Vin gasped, his eyes relaying the depth of his need.
Chris reached over and grabbed the lube from the nightstand. “Won´t be long now,” he soothed. He squeezed some of the cool gel into his hand and warmed it quickly before settling between the Texan´s long legs.
Vin moaned low in his throat when he felt Chris´ hands on his thighs, gently spreading them until he was fully exposed to both his lover´s view and his talented hands. One long finger slowly circled the puckered opening before slipping carefully inside, eliciting a soft whimper from the trembling man
“God, Chris,” he gasped. “More. I need more.”
And Chris was only too happy to oblige. Adding another finger, he carefully stretched his lover´s tight opening, his cock twitching in sweet anticipation. When the third finger was introduced and brushed against the gland hidden inside, Vin nearly bucked Chris off.
“Easy,” Chris soothed, gently stroking one hand along his lover´s hip while the fingers continued to press deeper. Only when he was satisfied that Vin was ready did he withdraw the long digits and reach for the lube once more.
Vin´s piteous moan at being abandoned was silenced with a gentle kiss as Chris slicked his eager cock for entrance into the lithe body.
“Ready?” Chris whispered.
“Ya hafta ask?” the other man gasped.
Chris chuckled as he raised the long legs to position himself at the pulsing entrance he craved. “Hang on,” he warned. “It´s gonna be a helluva ride.”
Even as he began to push, Vin was pushing back, effectively impaling himself in one quick motion. “Chris!” he cried at the sudden sensation.
“You OK?” Chris gasped, concerned, despite his body´s own pleasurable reaction to the unexpected move.
“Yeah,” Vin groaned thickly. “Hard, Chris, I need it hard.”
Chris always found it hard to deny Vin anything and this proved to be no exception. Placing the Texan´s calves on his shoulders, he grasped the trim hips firmly and began to thrust hard and deep into the willing body beneath him.
“Yes,” Vin hissed. “Oh God, Chris, yes.”
“So tight,” Chris growled between clenched teeth. “Jesus, Vin.”
Vin grasped Chris´ wrists, providing the support to meet every thrust of his lover´s hard cock into his body. As their breathing quickened even more, he tilted his hips slightly in a circular motion, wringing a surprised gasp from the man riding him.
In response, Chris moved one hand to circle the other man´s shaft and began pumping in time with his thrusts into the warm channel that held him. “So good, Vin,” he growled. “So damn good.”
Vin angled his hips again so that Chris´ cock stroked the sensitive gland with each thrust. “Oh, Lord!” he cried as he felt his release building.
Chris recognized the tone and quickened his movements. His hand moved in time with his hips as he stroked his lover inside and out. When he heard Vin scream his name, he threw his head back and pushed into the gorgeous body for all he was worth, his seed shooting into Vin´s depths at the same time the younger man´s erupted from him.
“Vin,” he panted, his thrusts slowing as Vin´s ass milked the last of his sticky offering. He collapsed onto the sated body below him and placed a lazy kiss on the swollen, red lips. “God, that was good,” he breathed.
“Yeah,” Vin sighed in contentment, a satisfied smile gracing his handsome features. “Weren´t half bad at that, Cowboy.”
Chris rolled to Vin´s side and immediately drew his lover to him and placed a sweet kiss on the sweaty forehead. They lay in silence for a moment before Chris broke it with a quiet, “Damn.”
Vin tilted his head to look up into the green eyes. “What?” he asked, his brow furrowed slightly.
“Promised the first night would be under the tree,” Chris smiled down at him.
Vin smiled back. “Night ain´t over yet,” he murmured, snuggling deeper into his lover´s embrace.
Chris reached down to pull up the extra blanket, knowing Vin would start to shiver momentarily.
“Chris?” the Texan mumbled sleepily.
“Hmmm?”
“Mind if´n I invite the boys out ta decorate tomorrow?”
Chris smiled. “If you don´t, I will,” he replied before kissing the tousled brown head.
Vin raised his head to grace him with a sleepy but mischievous gaze. “What are ya gonna put in your box to remember tonight?” he teased lovingly.
Eyes closed, Chris allowed a slow smile to spread across his face. “The walker I´m going to need tomorrow.”
Vin burst into a short gale of laughter before settling back into the blonde´s strong arms. “Think you´re gonna need a bigger box,” he said, still chuckling.
“If I have my way, I´m going to need a whole lot of them,” Chris replied softly.
The words sobered Vin like nothing else could and he turned to place a soft kiss on Chris´ chest. “That´s the best mem´ry I could ever have,” he whispered.
The arms holding him tightened slightly and he closed his eyes, content to be wrapped in the love that emanated from the man at the centre of his universe as they drifted into a light sleep.