I'm sitting here, my usual place at our usual table. The music is loud, the bar is crowded and even though I'm surrounded by friends and even strangers, I'm more alone than I've ever been.
I'm watching you. I see you making small talk with the guys, see you smiling at something that Buck has said, but the smile doesn't quite make it to your eyes. I watch as you glance over at me. I see the longing and the sadness in your eyes. As you quickly look away, I can tell that even in this crowded place, you're just as alone as I am.
Guilt eats at me, because I did this to you and it wasn't by accident or by something that was beyond my control. No. I did exactly what I set out to do, and the simple fact that it hurts you so much to look at me proves that I did my job better than even I could have imagined.
I've always known that you loved me. I knew, right off, that you were in love with me. I won't pretend that I was shocked, or that I was confused about what I felt for you. I won't say that I didn't understand my feelings or that I only felt a deep friendship for you. Nope. I was in love with you, too. And that, my friend, would turn out to be the worse thing that could ever have happened to you.
I'm not like you, Vin. I can't accept the raw deal that life has handed to me. You handle life's trials with dignity and grace. No matter how many times you've been beaten to the ground, you pick yourself up and go on. You even manage to come away from it all a better man for the experience. But not me.
I like to wallow in my misery, and like the old saying goes, misery loves company. I was going down and I decided to take you with me.
I know that I can never truly be happy. The shadows from my past will never let me be, they'll never leave me in peace. I've lived the past few years of my life knowing this. I didn't care. It made my life easy. Made living up to my reputation as a cold, unfeeling badass as natural as breathing. I didn't have anyone to worry about or to care about, and I liked it like that. But then came you.
I knew I never should have let you get close. I knew being with you, loving you and letting you love me would only lead to heartache. But, I didn't care. You were in love with me, and God help me, I was in love with you. I wanted you, and I was going to have you, even though I knew that in the end, I would destroy you.
If I had been a less selfish man, I would have done what was best for you. But I'm not, so I didn't. I should have backed off, should have run as far away from a life with you as fast as I possibly could, but I couldn't help myself. I clearly saw the line between friend or lover. I felt so alive at the challenge. Me, against my ghosts. You...The prize. So, shadows be damned, I brazenly crossed that line and I dragged you over it with me.
You were not easy. Oh, you wanted me, wanted to love me, but I was your best friend and you couldn't bear the thought of losing that if things didn't work out. But I was on a mission. I would catch your eye and hold your gaze a bit longer then was proper. When we would all go out after a long week of work, I would linger over drinks, and listen to you bare your soul to me, long after the others had gone home. A welcoming smile, a gentle touch and at last, a blatant invitation for you dancing in my eyes. I had you and by the time I was done with my seduction, you came to me willingly.
I couldn't get enough of you. I wanted to be with you as much as was humanly possible. So when you shared your fear with me, when you told me you were so far gone in love with me and so afraid of losing me and yourself in the process, I did my best to reassure you. I made promises that I knew I couldn't keep. I spent hours talking to you, holding you and loving you. I showed you the life that you always wanted. I saw your need, and I held out to you all that you craved. I offered you a life filled with love, someone to care for you and about you. I told you that you mattered, that you were worth the world to me. I offered you a home to call your own. "Trust me." I said. You did.
And that was the beginning of the end.
For awhile, life was good. For the first time in years I felt content and comfortable with my life, with myself. You did that for me, you gave me the peace that had been eluding me for so long. Foolishly, I thought that maybe, just maybe, I was wrong. Maybe I could hold on to this happiness, maybe I could finally lay my ghosts to rest. So, I asked you to take a risk. I convinced you to give up your apartment and move into the ranch with me, convinced you that this is what I wanted, that it was what you really wanted, too. That, at least, was the truth. We did both want it, but since when did what we want ever really matter?
You were so happy. I could see it in your face, that beautiful face. Just looking into those deep blue eyes told me so much. You had found what you spent a life time searching for, and you felt secure. You knew I loved you, knew I'd never knowingly hurt you, so you gave me all you had to give, loved me with abandon, handed me your heart, your life, without reservations. You were so wrong, Vin. So, wrong.
Never, in all of my life, not with any other person that I had been with, not even Sarah, had I ever had such a giving partner. You were so willing to give of yourself. You never made demands on me, never asked for more than you were giving. We made love, Vin. There were many gentle and sweet nights. But, oh, those wild and playful times, sometimes fast and hard, sometimes teasing and crazy. It was always making love though...Always.
It was good, too damn good. That's when I felt the change coming over me. That's when my ghosts demanded that I heed their warning. I didn't deserve this chance at life, didn't deserve you. The people that I love all die. That was a fact. I knew then, what I had known all along. It had to end, and I had to end it.
But, I'm a selfish bastard. I couldn't just let you down easy. Couldn't let you just walk out of my life. I needed to have as much of you as I could get. Needed to take what I could, to have as many pieces of you to get me through what was to come. So, all the while knowing that I was going to pull away from you, I let you take me deeper and deeper into your heart. I saw how much your life revolved around mine, how much you loved me, how much you trusted in me, and my love for you. You gave yourself completely over to me, and what did I do? While I was claiming your body with my own, caressing you with one hand, I was stabbing you in the back with the other.
The changes in me came slowly, little things that could be easily explained away. They were such subtle changes that you never saw it coming. I started to work longer hours. I used work as the excuse to stop drivng from the ranch to the city with you. I began to give up our weekends. I had important things to do. For awhile, you accepted my excuses. After-all, I was the Team leader. If I had to work, than, I had to work.
I started to skip our lunches. I knew you were feeling the distance that I was putting between us. I was constantly late, whether it was coming home or meeting you someplace. I would make you wait for me, and then not even bother to apologize for being late.
I knew you were reaching the end of your patience. Knew you wanted answers, but I also knew that you were afraid to ask the questions. I started to flirt with anyone who caught my eye. I saw how I was hurting you, but I couldn't stop it. I went out with-out you, stayed out longer and later, until I didn't bother to come home at all.
When you couldn't ignore what I was doing, you finally asked me. You wanted the truth. What was going on with me? What had you done to make me treat you this way? And me, cold hearted bastard that I am, I still couldn't tell you my reasons. Instead, I blamed you. You were too clingly, too needy. You were driving me away.
Damn you. You tried to fix it. You tried to be what you thought I wanted. But, hell, Vin. How can you fix what was never your fault to begin with? Even with the way I was acting, you still found it in your heart to love me, and you were going to pay for that.
I stopped making love to you. Oh, I had sex wtih you, but that was all it was. I got what I needed, never caring if you got the same. It was just a physical act now, one I could satisfy with any willing body. When you reached for me, wanting to touch me or wanting me to touch you, I turned away. I denied you even that. I was moving away from you, and you would have no choice but to let me go.
I knew the end was close. I could see it in your eyes. Confusion, hurt and bewilderment. They were all so plain, and all my fault. Then, I finally did the unforgivable. I took a stranger home. When you walked into the house and walked into our room, our fate was sealed. I will never, for as long as I live, forget the look of utter pain and betrayal on your face. You didn't say a word.
Just walked out the door, and out of my life.
They say you always hurt the one you love. Well, I proved that. I was the master at it. I'm just sorry that I perfected it with you.
It's only been a few months since I ruined both our lives, but God, to me, it seems like years. I don't know why I was surprised when I went home after work, found your keys on the table and every sign that you had ever lived in the house, gone. Hell, Vin. I miss you. I just fucking miss you so much.
So, here we are. The rest of the guys have gradually said their good-bye's, and have left the bar. I see that you are getting ready to leave, so I make my way over and stand in front of you.
Your body stiffens. I look at you, and see the devastation I have wrought on you. The walls that had come down when you took a leap of faith for me, are back, but they're stronger and higher than they ever were. My heart is aching for you. You gave me a second chance at life and love, and in return, I condemned you to a life without it.
If this had been just a relationship that didn't work out. If you had just been hurt by someone or just decided that it wasn't working. You would have been fine. You would have gotten over it and moved on. But I wasn't just anybody to you. I was everything to you. A part of you. I owned your heart, and I shattered it. How will you ever trust again? I was the one person who was never supposed to hurt you, never supposed to do this to you. I was your best friend. And now...Now what you need so badly is a friend to talk to, to get you through and the irony of that is not lost on me. I even took that from you. I used to be that friend.
You look up at me, the battle you're waging with yourself, fight or flight, so obvious. Your decision made, you ask...What do I want?
I look straight into your eyes, those damn blue eyes that have haunted my dreams and my every waking moment and all I can see is the real question you want answered. That one word. That one fucking word. Why???
What can I say? How do I tell you my reasons, when my reasons make no sense, not even to me? How can I tell you that I was afraid? How can I tell you that I was never so happy as I was with you, but I knew that fate would not allow it? With the jobs we do, the people we deal with, it was only a matter of time before you would be taken from me. How can I explain that if I was going to lose you, it would not be to the whims of fate? I would lose you on my own terms. Beat fate at her own game. So, that's what I did. And it all rings so hollow and stupid to my own ears. So damn stupid.
You're waiting for an answer. I can only look down and shake my head. You get up to leave. You want to say something, but the words won't come. You let out a deep sigh and tell me that you'll see me at work on Monday. As I watch you leave, I know that it won't be much longer before you walk away from the job, too. It's getting too hard for you, to see me every day, be near me.
Yes, my destruction of your life has been total and complete.
I walk out of the bar, and watch as you head for your jeep. I think about what you asked me. What do I want?
You never look back at me. But I can't stop looking at you. I want...I want so many things from you. I want you. My body aches with that want. I want you to say you can forgive me. Say you'll take a chance and that you'll love me again and let me love you. Tell me that you and me can be friends again. Promise me that you won't quit the Team, and leave Denver...You won't leave me for good.
Do that for me, Vin. I know how much the truth means to you. Just do this for me, so that I can hold on to you. Tell me what I want to hear, so that I can forgive myself. Save me from myself.
Lie to me, Vin. Just this once. Lie to me.
END
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