The Idiot's Guide to Reducing an Articulate, Polite, Dashing, Southern Gentleman to a Sarcastic, Short Tempered Nervous Wreck with a Migraine Or Ezra's Complete and Utter Idiot's Guide To Making Tomato Soup

by Gunney

Ezra: To start our journey into the wonderful world of culinary mastery we will assume that you have all the ingredients required for this challenging task. God knows we don’t have the time or the insurance to take you shopping.

Chris: Or the patience.

Josiah: Or the money.

Ezra: Do you mind? First of all you will need a stove. Make sure you know where it is.

You're staring at me blankly.

JD: That ain't a blank look.

Buck: Nope more like a . . . ok yeah it's a blank look.

Ezra: The stove. It’s big, white, box shaped. It should be in your kitchen.

There you are. That is a stove. Now that we’ve found the stove we need a pot.


JD: ( pointing to flashing 'pause' sign) What's that there for.

Ezra: ( glaring) Go over to your cupboard there. Open it. And get out a pot.

No. That’s a frying pan. We need a pot.

It’s round, has a deep dish. No that’s a bowl. Yes it’s round, but you need it to be metal. And it has to have a handle so that you don’t burn yourself. Yes you're right, the frying pan is metal and it does have a handle, but it’s not deep enough. No just . . . PUT IT BACK IN! Good, now fish around in there . . . No.

Put down the fishing pole. Take your hand. Good. Now look in the cupboard and pull out a . . . there you go. A pot.

Vin: (points and laughs)

Ezra: ( glares)

No. Stop dancing and get the pot. Good now put it on the stove.

No, on the round metal part. Wonderful. Now you need to find the soup.

Go to your cupboard there.

Chris: Nice.

Ezra: Could you gentlemen kindly butt out?

(They leave.) Thank you. Now. Open the door. Great.

Now look for a can. It should be aluminum. Might even say “Campbell's Tomato Soup.”

No it won’t literally say . . . just put the dumb can down. Like you can hear straight anyway. Just grab another one.

Good choice, I should have you pick out my tickets.

Alright. Good now bring it back to the stove. Yes, good you remembered. Now we’re going to put the soup in the pot.



I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. Let’s just . . . concentrate here. We have to open the can first and pour the contents into the pot. Ok?

Alright so go to your . . . DON’T THROW THE CAN!

Just hang on to the can. Yes very good.

Now go over there and get the can opener. It should be shaped kind of like scissors. No. No. Stop, put those down. No. Don’t run with the scissors. Look you're being dangerous. I thought we agreed against that.

You didn’t get the memo? Oh dear God.

Alright. I’m going to yell again unless you put DOWN the scissors. Ok. Good.


(sigh) Pick up the scissors. Pick the scissors up off the floor. Good. Put them on the counter. Very good. Now, go to the cupboard and get the can opener.

No. That’s a spatula. That’s a whisk. And that is a potato. Why do you have a potato in the . . . oh never mind. There, there. Yes, that is a can opener. Good now go put it next to the can.


It’s on the stove. There, very good.

Now put the sharp part against the edge of the can. Very nice. And squeeze the two handles together. Excellent. Now turn the handle. No. The other way. Marvelous.

That’s good. No. You can stop turning now. No. Just . . . just stop. Ok. Good. Put it down.

Nope you don’t need it anymore. It’s good and opened now. Yup, very much on the open side.

Now carefully take the lid off the can and set it on the stove. Just put it down. On the stove, not in the pot.

Look, don’t worry about getting the stove dirty. I’m sure it wouldn’t mind. Ok.

Pour all of the contents of the can into the pot. Just pour it in there.

What is wrong? What!? No, it’s not bleeding. You did not hurt the can, it’s perfectly alright. Really!

Yes, good. Now is the interesting part.

Take the can to the sink and rinse it out. All that k clinging to the inside.

Yes, just rinse all that out. Whoosh. Yes, whoosh it out. Whoosh. Good, whoosh.

Oh just rinse it out already.

Very good, now fill up the can with water.

What do you mean you can’t? Well you just rinsed it out with water.

What do you mean “No, I didn’t.” ?

I am secretely going insane.

Alright, go back to the sink.

Turn the knob.

The knob!

Ok you see that neck like thing. Yeah, that. Ok, now turn the knob on the right, to the right. Good!

Now stick the can under there.

Under the flow of water.

Yes there, good.

Now wasn’t that fun? Ok, carefully take the can back to the stove.

Great. Now pour the water into the pot.

Yes the same pot.

Well you have to mix the ingredients.


Now reach back beyond your pot, and you see those dials there. Yes, now turn the very first one all the way to the left. Yes all the way. No.

Stop turning. Just one turn.

There good, leave it.

No. You don’t have to turn any more dials. Yes I know it is confusing isn’t it? Sheesh.

Alright now stir the soup.


NOT with your finger. Get a spoon.

No that’s a . . . alright. Just grab the spatula.

Ok. Stir the soup.


(an hour later)

Oh dear god. Alright that's it.

Vin: Hey Ez, how's it . . . oh.

Chris: Ezra . . . ouch, how'd this happen.

Josiah: Brothers, what's the de- . . . oh. Is that natural.

Nathan: I don't think our resident idiot should . . . be eating that.

JD: Hey Ezr-dear God what did you kill?


Buck: What? Is it my line?

Ezra: And there you have it. Tomato Soup.


(The End)

Comments to:

"A Gentlemen doesn't dabase himself by engaging in menial labor."
"In other words, you're lazy, right Ez?"