Disclaimer: They aren’t mine and never will be.
Note: CZ Nov.2002 Challenge…Take the seven characters and place them in your favorite book.
Note 2: I couldn’t decide on a book so I chose a children’s story. One that everyone should be able to figure out.
Note 3: It didn’t work leaving them as humans so unfortunately I had to turn them into the appropriate animals.
Thanks to Chris for beta reading this for me!
The seven brothers sat around the long table eating their breakfast, enjoying the usual banter that accompanied such gatherings. The youngest, with a devious smile on his face, squirmed a moment before piping up and asking, "Ya’ll want to hear a joke?""No!" The six other brothers said in unison.
Seeing the crest fallen look face on the younger one’s face, the oldest, Josiah, felt sorry for his youngest brother. Ignoring the grumbling from the others he stated, "Sure, JD."
JD perked up with a great big smile and said, "What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?"
Fighting the urge to shake his head and not let it show that he regretted asking, the oldest replied, "I don’t know, JD. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?"
The youngest smiled even bigger as he delivered the punch line. "Na-cho cheese."
JD laughed at his own joke as the others shook their heads and mumbled incoherent thoughts on the joke. They were all startled to silence when the blond slapped his hoof on the table and growled, "I can’t take this any more. I am moving out."
The other six were shocked as the headstrong pig stood to leave the table.
"Moving out!" The others chorused.
"Yes. I am moving out on my own." Chris said firmly. "We have been living together for too long."
"Chris!" JD yelled, as he stood up in a rush. "If it’s my jokes I’ll quit telling them. Honest," the youngest said, with pleading eyes.
The blond pig softened his look for his youngest brother and said quietly, "It’s not your jokes, JD. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. It’s time to move on." With that he went to pack his suitcase.
"Well, gentlemen. Our brother does seem to make a valid point. We have always lived together and I for one agree it is time to try it on our own," Ezra said.
His opinion was seconded several times as each brother moved off to pack his own suitcase.
"Wait!" cried JD. "What is going to happen to us if we aren’t together?"
Buck came up and put his hoof around his brother and said, "It’s about time we found out," he said, wiggling his thick eyebrows up and down. "Maybe, you’ll finally get lucky," the older pig said, with a mischievous smile.
"Hey. I’m lucky," the young piglet said dejectedly.
"Sure you are kid," Buck said, with a laugh as he walked into his bedroom and dragged the suitcase out of his closet. JD’s shoulders slumped as he too, went pack his suitcase.
Rob R. E. Wolf, Jr. was plodding through the forest. He had had a rough life growing up without his dad. All thanks to three scrawny little pigs that had boiled him. Rob was determined to be smarter and tougher than his old sire. Walking along, his exceptionally sharp ears picked up a raucous noise. He headed in the direction it was coming from and stood amazed at the new house in front of him. The music could be heard blaring through the open windows. A sly smirk crept upon his face as he slinked towards the soon-to-be-meal.
The youngest, JD, had found a nice abandoned house and had begun fixing it up the way he liked. The more the house began taking shape the better he felt about living on his own. Perhaps, his brothers had been correct about finding their own place.
Approaching the door, the wolf knocked soundly. He heard a loud voice in what he could only assume was a greeting. He knocked again. This time the music was shut off. So he called out. "Little pig. Little pig. Let me come in."
Rob Wolf was shocked when the door opened and a very friendly piglet shouted, "Hey cool. My very first visitor."
Rob Wolf shook his head sadly; when would the young ever learn not to open their doors to strangers. "Look kid, your not suppose to be friendly to strangers. Didn’t anyone teach you that?"
"My mother taught me it was impolite to turn away needy people," JD replied. Looking the wolf over he said, "You look pretty needy,"
"Kid," the wolf growled, "I am going to huff and puff, and then blow your house down. Then I’m going to eat you. Got it?" The wolf asked.
"Hey, dude, you don’t have to get ugly about it." JD responded as he watched with increasing trepidation as the wolf began taking deep breaths.
Before he could make another suggestion his house was blowing apart all around him. Letting out a yell the youngest pig took off running towards his older brother’s house.
The wolf smiled a predatory smile. The kid would hopefully lead him to a bigger and more satisfying meal.
Rob Wolf continued down his misguided path when once again his keen hearing kicked in. This time his ears picked up a noise that sounded like screaming. Pleasant screaming. Wolf continued his way up to the door and knocked harshly. Expecting to find the little pig from his previous encounter he was taken aback when the door swung open and a very upset pig in silk shorts opened the door.
"JD! Dad-gummit, this isn’t the tim…." Buck stopped his ranting as he took in the appearance of the wolf and not his youngest brother, whom he thought was interrupting his interaction with the lovely little female from down the road.
Slamming the door quickly he leaned heavily against it and contemplated his next move.
"Little pig. Little pig. Let me in!" Wolf shouted through the wood door.
Buck decided to appeal to the male side of the other animal. Opening the door cautiously he stared at the wolf, then plastered a large smile on his face. "Look pal, I’m kinda busy, if you know what I mean," the lady-killer said, with a smile and wiggling his eyebrows for emphasis.
"How nice for you," Wolf replied, sarcastically. "I’m counting to three," he warned.
Buck stood dazed. How this guy not understand what was going on, or more precisely, what HAD been going on and not care was puzzlement to him. In his book one simply didn’t interrupt another guy’s date without a very good reason.
While Buck stood there contemplating this thought the wolf had begun taking powerful breaths. The next thing Buck realized was that his house was floating in and around him while the pretty long-black-haired girl of his dreams in the red frilly teddy ran screaming from the scene. Buck looked at the wolf then looked at the running pig and decided decency was the better part of valor and gave chase after the fleeting girl.
Rob Wolf sighed before continued his merry way. Catching one’s meal was a lot harder now than in the old days. Finally, a horrendous smell assaulted his senses. Following the smell he came upon a house put together with recycled wood. Knocking on the door, he heard a loud grumbling answer.
"Little pig. Little pig. Let me come in," Wolf growled back.
The door swung open and Wolf took a step back. Never had he encountered such a large hog. "Uhhh," Wolf stalled, trying desperately not to turn around and run.
"Can I help you, brother?" Josiah asked, with concern.
Bristling up to make himself appear larger Wolf said, "Yes, there is. Let me in."
"What would necessitate that, brother Wolf?" Josiah calmly inquired.
"I want you." Wolf shot back, feeling much braver.
"If it is merely the house you wish then it shall be yours," the large hog said, as he moved out of the door, making the wolf back up a couple of steps.
"NO. NO. NO." Wolf exclaimed. "I don’t want the house, I want you," Wolf said sharply.
"Brother, I do believe it is sanctuary from life you are looking for to fill your loneliness. So you may have my humble dwelling," Josiah said philosophically. "Enjoy and peace be with you," he said, as he moved off down the road.
Wolf dropped his head to his chest and stepped inside the house, immediately becoming overwhelmed by the incense smell. Realizing he would never get rid of the noxious smell he turned and headed up the road. Today was not turning out to be a good day. Little did he know it was going to get worse.
Wolf walked onwards. Once again he bemoaned the good old days, when all one had to do was snarl and his prey would become instantly afraid. How he missed those days.
Rob R. E. Wolf was not a happy wolf. He had come across pigs that would feed him for days, well maybe not the little one, but even he would have made a good appetizer. Yet, somehow he had lost all three of them. Wolf was contemplating packing it up and moving into the city. Maybe, finding a good job with a book publishing company. Living in the woods all these years had given him some pretty good stories to tell. His personal favorite was the little girl who was on her way to her grandmother’s house. That would have turned out well for his uncle if not for that stupid lumberjack. Then, there was that one about the pretty little blond and the three bears. Boy, had OL’ Man Bear been put out about the upheaval of his household. Especially when he had to explain to his cub about his breakfast.
Wolf was so deep in his own thoughts he almost missed the ramshackle building announcing its place as a clinic. A slow smile returned to his features. Surely, he could catch some breakfast here. He gingerly walked up to the door and peered in. He saw a large black pig tending to a little piglet. Knocking on the door, he cried out, "Little pig. Little pig. Let me come in!"
Nathan rushed to the door thinking the worst. When he opened he door and he saw who was pounding on it his hackles raised and anger flooded him. "You!" Nathan shouted. "You’ve got some nerve coming around here. When a grand beast such as yourself lowers himself to lurking around a place for sick and injured animals. Trying to make a meal off those who can’t defend themselves. How low have you slumped to? Have you no morals? Are you so depraved of dignity you can not show a little respect for your fellow injured animals?" Wolf’s head lowered at every accusation the doctor threw at him as he continued his ranting.
Throwing his arms up in the air Nathan helped the little piglet down the stairs. "I give up. The animal race has fallen into a depth of improperness that I find appalling," Nathan said heatedly, as he walked off with the young pig, intent on helping the youngster home.
Wolf thought seriously about quitting and going home, but that would mean going hungry and he definitely wanted something to eat. Deciding to give it another try he took a left turn and found himself walking down a graveled path. Intrigued, he followed the path. He couldn’t believe his eyes when he turned the corner. There sat the largest house he had ever seen. Big homes just weren’t found out here in the woods.
Rob took note of the surveillance cameras scanning the front area and the high black gates in front of the house. Walking up to the intercom located on the wall next to the gate he pushed the speaker button.
"Yes, how may I be of assistance to you?" came the soft southern-laced reply.
"Little pig. Little pig. Let me come in," Rob R. E. Wolf commanded.
"Dear sir, I find your attempt at witty repartee droll and lacking of humor," the southern pig quipped. "Now, if you will be so kind as to take your leave I would be most appreciative."
"Look!" Wolf shouted into the intercom, "I’ve had a bad day and I’m getting very close to the end of my rope. Now open up and LET ME IN!"
"Now see here Mr. Wolf, there is no need to become vulgar," Ezra said. After a moment he continued, "Listen Mr. Wolf, I might have a proposition that will benefit both your need and leave myself intact at the same time."
"Uh?" Wolf asked confused.
Ezra sighed, "It’s like this, my brother down the road is a naturalist. Made his house out of sticks and mud, for goodness sake." The wolf could hear the pig inside sigh heavily. "I’m sure with your powerful lungs you should have no problem blowing down that shack he calls a home."
"Well..," Wolf contemplated.
Ezra hurried on, "Just to entice the deal I will throw in fifty bucks. Do we have deal?"
Wolf thought for a moment and figured he could always come back for this fancy pig, plus he would be fifty bucks richer. "Sure," Wolf finally agreed.
"Wise choice," Ezra commented pleasantly. He had no qualms about sending the wolf to Vin’s. His brother could outmaneuver anyone, plus with a little luck they might enjoy a nice fillet wolf for the weekly brothers get-together.
Thirty minutes later his buzzer rang again and Ezra answered it. "Yes, may I be of assistance to you?"
"Let me in!" announced a steaming wolf.
"Mr. Wolf, to what do I owe the pleasure of having your company once again?" Ezra asked sweetly. "I though we had a deal?"
"Your brother says you conned me and I could have gotten a lot more out of the deal. Now let me in!" Wolf shouted into the intercom.
Ezra sighed and laid his forehead against the wall. Imbeciles. The woods were filled with imbeciles.
"Mr. Wolf, I have no intention of letting you into my house, regardless of how appalling the bad manners would be seen as. Furthermore, there is no way you can blow this rock house with steel reinforcements down, so I suggest you travel along your merry way," the southern accent was getting thicker as Ezra grew more agitated with his unwanted guest.
"I don’t have to blow your house down. Your brother said you had a secret delight in blowing things up so he gave me a stick of dynamite," Wolf said, with a gleam in his eyes.
A loud expletive could be heard coming through the intercom as Wolf lit the fuse and threw the stick of explosive over the gate. After the dust settled Wolf found no presence of his prey, only a wooden trap door in the kitchen.
Wolf angrily headed back to the scruffy looking pig’s slapped together house. Knocking on the door he screamed, "Little pig. Little pig. Let me in."
Vin opened the door and slouched against the doorframe, "What’s got your tail in such a twist, Wolf?" The pig asked in a slow Texas drawl.
"That brother of yours got away through a trap door. You didn’t tell me nothing about a trap door," Wolf growled out.
Scratching his chin the lean, muscular pig nodded, "Yep. Ol’ Ez sure can be a slippery little devil when his curly, little tail is on the line."
Wolf was taking some deep breaths by now and he was in no mood to be calmed down. Vin, looked at the wolf a moment before suggesting, "Easy there fellow. You gonna pass out if ya keep breathing like that."
In the next moment Wolf closed his eyes and blew the air out of his lungs. When he opened his eyes again he watched the twirling debris float back down to earth and noticed his meal was gone. Just like that he was once again left without his quarry. Wolf could have sat down and cried. Why couldn’t they just cooperate and let him have one little meal. That’s all he wanted, just something to fill his gnawing stomach.
Rob Wolf decided he was going to give it one last try and then if it didn’t work he was packing up and heading for the big city. Walking along the path his mouth began to water at just the thought of roasted pig. He was going to succeed this time. He wasn’t going to wind up like his old man. He just wasn’t.
Chris sat in his recliner grumbling inwardly as he looked around his living room at the various positions of his brothers lazing about in his home. All he wanted was a little peace and quiet. He just wanted a place of his own where he could unwind and be by himself. It hadn’t even lasted a week. The blond pig sighed; togetherness was taking on a whole new meaning.
The blond was just dozing off when a loud angry knock at his door woke him. Looking around the living room he saw all his brothers watching him, none of them making a move towards the door. Grumbling aloud this time he eased himself out of his chair and stalked towards the door. Throwing the wooden slab open with harshness he demanded, "WHAT?"
Rob R. E. Wolf had never seen a fiercer looking pig before, but he was pretty sure he had just met his match. Letting his anger and his hunger get the better of him, Wolf snarled, "Little pig. Little pig. Let me in."
"Excuse me?" Chris demanded, the hard glint rising in his green eyes.
"I said…Little pig. Litt…," the wolf started repeating what he had said before being interrupted.
"I know what you said, you dumb, no-account, worthless, slimy excuse for a wolf," Chris said, heatedly. Suddenly changing his demeanor, Chris smiled. "So you want me? Is that it?" Chris asked nicely.
Wolf took a gulp of air and nodded. He found himself suddenly wishing he had quit while he was ahead. His eyes grew larger as the blond pig disappeared from sight only to reappear again with a .32 handgun.
BOOM!
The next sound was of a whimpering wolf and six pigs racing to the door to see what had happened. There in the front yard was Rob R.E. Wolf hopping around on his two hind legs, holding one front paw with the other.
"Uh, Chris?" Vin asked hesitantly. "I thought we were suppose to lure him up onto the roof and have him fall through the chimney into a large boiling pot of water.
Chris closed the door, after making sure the wolf was well on his hobbling leg muttering something about book deals and royalties. "That’s the past, Vin. We’re different men today. Besides I don’t have the time with such malarkey."
Josiah came out of the kitchen after collecting his pot of chili. "Soups on," he called out cheerfully. Privately he was glad to back together with his brothers.
Sitting down to supper JD asked naively, "Wanna hear a joke?"
"No!" his brothers answered in unison.
Seeing the hurt look in his brother’s eyes Buck relented and said, "Sure, kid. Lay it on us."
JD smiled largely and began, "A wolf walks into a bar and says, "I’m looking for the man who shot my paw."
A collection of moans could be heard around the table as the blond considered whether moving completely out of the country would be an attainable idea.
End
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