Changes

by Giselle

Riding out in the early morning darkness Chris Larabee crested the ridge overlooking the spot where his property abutted a small lake. Even with minimal light his horse knew the way. Larabee came here often to think. To sort things out.

He dismounted. He placed one booted foot on the bottom railing of his fence, leaning on his elbows against the top one. A huge full moon was setting behind him while before him the red ball of the sun was just making an appearance. The black sky overhead lightened to blue, meeting a fiery red at the horizon. Larabee let out a long slow sigh.

Just don’t fall in love with me.

Well, Chris couldn’t say he hadn’t been warned. And he couldn’t say he wasn’t in love. The cold hand that gripped his heart and periodically squeezed would never let him do that.

He hadn’t meant to fall in love in love with Vin. Their first night together almost seven months ago had been casual. Away on a work related assignment they made love in a luxury hotel in Phoenix. They didn’t quite go all the way but what they did do drove Chris to distraction. He never asked Vin what possessed him to confess his attraction to Chris that night among the countless others they’d spent proximate to one another. Maybe it was the atmosphere, an elegant suite with two large beds in a city far from home. Whatever the reason, Larabee was glad for it.

The next morning hadn’t been awkward. They’d actually played more, both in the bed and in the shower. Then Agents Larabee and Tanner returned to their duties with the Denver branch of the ATF and acted like nothing had happened.

For a couple of weeks anyway. Then Vin showed up at the ranch early one Saturday morning. He helped Chris with some chores, went riding with his friend and pitched in making dinner. Conversation was easy, their comfort with each other unchanged.

"You gonna stay?" Chris asked casually as they were cleaning up.

"Thought I might," Vin said.

Chris turned to face him, leaning his hip against the sink. "Guestroom?" he asked, one eyebrow raised quizzically.

Vin smiled, laughter brightening his blue eyes. "You want me to take the guestroom, cowboy?"

A hot hungry kiss was his answer.

Later, lying together in Chris’ bed the blonde whispered, "Wouldn’t mind you staying more often."

"Sounds good," Vin said. He touched Chris’ chin and kissed him lightly. "Just don’t fall in love with me."

It seemed an innocuous enough statement at the time.

Even so Chris scoffed inwardly. Never happen. Not with Vin, not with anyone ever. He still didn’t know how it had. Only knew that about a month ago Vin started distancing himself a bit. Chris said nothing. He knew he was treating Vin more tenderly, more lovingly, in and out of bed. He couldn’t help himself. Vin grew increasingly evasive. Until Chris stopped by his apartment after work one night to call him on it.

"We’re adults, Vin. So let’s act like it. Is this thing between us over?" Chris tried pretty successfully to keep the emotion out of his voice.

"It might be," said Vin. His sweats hung loosely from his frame, the thin band of exposed tanned skin across his hips teasing at Chris.

"Because I might love you?"

"Do you love me?" Vin folded his arms across his chest and held his elbows. He knew the answer but wanted Chris to play along. Wanted Chris to say no.

"Yes." Chris couldn’t hide it so he might as well admit it. He found it incredibly freeing, even as he sensed a door about to slam in his face.

"Then it is over," Vin replied softly. He held Chris’ gaze as long as he could then turned away. Damn Larabee for sticking to the truth because it was the truth, whatever the consequences.

Chris didn’t ask the obvious question of Vin. He only said flatly, "That doesn’t make any sense."

"It does to me." Vin’s T-shirt hitched up a little more making the older man groan softly. It was Chris’ turn to look away.

"Got my own way of doing things, Chris. Told ya that before."

"I guess you did. It’s just that," Chris stopped. He knew Vin well enough not to argue with him when his mind was made up. Besides, that would be so pathetic. He grabbed his jacket and went for the door.

"See you tomorrow, then." Vin watched him go and said nothing.

It was over.

Chris looked across the water at the newly risen sun. He’d learned the hard way that the sun kept coming up even when your world was falling apart. Even when you wanted nothing so much as utter darkness so it could mix with the darkness inside you. So you could disappear.

Now Chris had to go to a barbecue at Josiah’s. It wasn’t quite barbecue weather yet but the profiler loved the outdoors almost as much as Vin. He wanted to thank the team for all the work they had put in on his various charity projects. Vin would be there without the structure their job provided. They were so practiced at hiding the truth at work that from the first day as ex-lovers Chris’d fallen into the accustomed rhythm. He was just hiding something different. Vin knew it. Buck did too. Chris’ oldest friend had caught on kind of quickly to the shift in his relationship with the sharpshooter. It was the way Chris and Vin avoided each other during their off hours with the team that tipped Buck off. It seemed forced, unnatural. Buck was way too savvy in the realm of passion to be fooled by it. He took it in stride, telling Chris to behave normally around Vin and no one else would notice. But what was normal once no longer was.

Chris just didn’t know how to act around Vin in a social situation anymore. He only knew that he needed to keep his professional mask in place at Josiah’s, exchange a few pleasantries and get the hell out of there as soon as possible.

Larabee’s horse approached and nuzzled his neck knocking his hat off.

"I know, boy, time to go," he said, petting the affectionate steed.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Chris heard the noise coming from the back of the house and took the garden path around. A phone call to Travis offering to go into the office had proved fruitless. He’d eighty-six’d the thought of feigning illness – might draw Nathan out to the ranch. He just had to bite the bullet.

"Finally!" Buck shouted as Chris entered the gate. He rushed forward with a cold beer for his old friend.

"Thanks," Chris said. Buck put his arm around him and deftly steered him away from where Vin was talking with JD and Casey. Chris waved weakly.

"Josiah’s by the grill, pard. Come say hello." Buck was jovial enough for both of them.

"Welcome, Chris," the big man boomed. "Perfect timing – food’s almost ready." Chris nodded to the others crowded around the fire.

He stood there stiffly for a short while and tried to ignore Vin’s gaze. Finally he looked over. Vin smiled warmly. Chris looked away.

"Need any help, Josiah?" he asked turning his back on Vin completely.

Chris carried a platter of burgers and chicken to the large picnic table. He waited for Vin to choose a seat then sat as far away as possible. Buck rolled his eyes and Chris hit him under the table.

Josiah said grace and encouraged everyone to dig in. It was like one of those nature shows where the jackals attack and devour the slow chubby lion. JD even ate the grilled vegetables off of Chris’ plate. He didn’t care. He didn’t have much of an appetite.

"Anyone need a beer?" Chris asked getting up. If he sat at that table trying to ignore Vin’s presence another minute he’d go insane. Vin wasn’t helping, laughing and joking with Nathan and Ezra.

Josiah told him the cooler was empty and if he wouldn’t mind could he go to the basement for more?

Chris nodded and entered the house. The beer was in a large spare refrigerator in the finished basement. When he came upstairs Vin was in the kitchen.

"Rain wanted a mineral water," he said, holding up the bottle in his hand.

Chris smiled wanly and headed for the door. Being alone in a room with Vin was definitely not on the agenda. Especially not when he looked completely edible in his faded jeans and soft wool sweater.

"Chris," Vin called.

Larabee didn’t stop. "Should get these beers out while they’re still cold."

Vin held the cold bottle to his forehead and groaned. Chris was impossible to tie down when he was like this. An evil smile curled Vin’s lip. He shook his head. That wasn’t likely to happen any time soon.

He made one more attempt after dinner to talk Chris. Not alone this time. Nothing threatening. He figured he best take it slow. He sidled up to where his friend stood arguing with Buck. Nathan appeared to be on Chris’ side, no doubt because Buck was spewing horseshit, and Rain asked Vin to referee.

"No need." Chris started to walk away. "We’re just jawing."

Vin lightly touched his arm and Chris met his eyes once more. Before either man spoke Chris’ cell phone rang.

Saved by the bell Chris thought vaguely. He pulled away to answer. "Excuse me."

Vin saw the cloud pass over his face. Chris’ cheeks flushed slightly. "What?" Vin asked.

Chris shook his head. "Gotta go. Make my apologies to Josiah, ok?"

"Need me to ride shotgun, cowboy?" Vin asked hopefully. At least they could still work together seamlessly.

Or could they? Not turning around Chris yelled, "No thanks," over his shoulder.

Dejected, Vin went to find Josiah. Part of him wanted to spill everything to the big man, get his advice. Make himself feel better. But he held his tongue. This was between him and Chris and they alone would fix it. Or not.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Vin lay on the floor of his apartment watching his small television. He flipped channels restlessly trying to find a distraction. Anything to avoid thinking about Chris. He’d wanted to tell Chris today that it wasn’t over between them. Their connection could never truly be broken. They just needed to take a step back. Vin needed a little breathing room. But Chris made it so damn hard to breathe at all. Showing up in his trademark tight black jeans and black mock turtle neck sweater. Trying to hide the wounded look in his beautiful green eyes. It turned Vin on to no end. It was all he could do to not jump him in the kitchen. He was still incredibly attracted to Chris. He just wasn’t ready for a commitment. Vin had never ever trusted his heart to anyone. He wanted to believe he could give it to Chris. Someday. Maybe.

He was in the midst of kicking himself for not taking Ezra up on his invitation to go out when a ‘breaking news’ story caught his attention.

A professor at UC Denver had been killed when a package he’d received exploded in his hands. The name rang a bell and when his picture flashed on the screen Vin scrambled for the phone. Chris’ hasty departure today suddenly made sense.

He called Chris’ cell and got his voice mail. He left a short message then called the ranch.

"It’s me, cowboy." Vin cringed. It was habit, calling Chris ‘cowboy’. He’d done it before they became lovers. But he’d said it so many times in a sleepy sex-drenched voice which drove Chris wild that it didn’t seem fair to say it now. He shook his head. When Chris didn’t pick up he kept talking.

"Call me. Don’t matter how late. I just heard about Professor Hull. I’m sorry."

Off and on since Vin had known him Chris had taken classes in criminology at the University. Professor Matthew Hull was not only a great teacher but a kindred spirit for Chris as well. Vin met him once. Chris’ truck was in the shop and Vin dropped him at school. The older man convinced him to sit in on the class rather than go all the way home only to turn around again to pick him up. Hull was a terrific professor. He also thought Chris was the cat’s pajamas. More than once he said Chris should be teaching courses at UCD, not taking them. Vin expected Chris to be smug about the praise. He could be right arrogant at times. He wasn’t. Such talk embarrassed him and Vin found his discomfort adorable. After class, Dr. Hull tried to enlist Vin in helping him convince Chris to pursue his Master of Criminal Justice. Chris refused saying his schedule would never permit regular attendance at school. Vin promised to try. Not because he believed he could talk Chris into anything but because Hull was such a nice man and so obviously fond of Chris.

Now he’d been murdered.

Chris never did return his call but Nathan called him early the next morning. They were to rendezvous at the office ASAP. Team Seven had caught the bombing case.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Chris entered the conference room with AD Travis and a suited man who introduced himself. He was FBI. He and his partner would be working the case with Team 7. Vin glanced at Chris. His jaw was set, the lines on his face pronounced with worry and sorrow. The sharpshooter wanted to hold him so badly. Instead he forced himself to pay attention.

Travis outlined his strategy for identifying and apprehending the culprit. First Vin, Ezra and JD were to meet with Denver PD’s bomb squad and learn the device’s blueprint. Then they’d work backward, searching out the purchaser of the needed ingredients. The others got their assignments and Chris dismissed them, telling them all to check in regularly.

Vin waited for them to clear out. Travis patted Chris’s shoulder and left with FBI Agent Leary. Vin and Chris were alone. Larabee looked at him, a question in his eyes.

"I’m sorry, Chris," Vin said. He added quickly, "About Dr. Hull. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yeah, you can get out there and find this asshole." Chris picked up his files and turned to leave.

"We’ll get him, Chris. We will." Vin lowered his voice. "Anything I can do for you?"

"No," Chris said evenly and walked out the door.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The days passed and very little progress was made in finding Professor Hull’s killer. There’d been no note, no one claimed responsibility. One night Agent Leary ended up voicing an opinion they all held but were reluctant to admit.

"It’s beginning to look like we’re not going to get a break on this case until our bomber strikes again." He stared into the remains of his chicken and snow peas.

Buck smothered a belch and agreed. "Hate to say it but you might be right." He got up and began clearing away the empty Chinese food containers. They’d sat around the table in the conference room eating a late supper and batting theories around. All except Chris. He was sequestered in his office. He’d gone to Hull’s funeral that morning, met with Travis that afternoon and then gone into his inner sanctum. He hadn’t even ordered dinner.

Vin got up yawning and stretching. "Think we oughta call it a night. Start fresh in the morning."

The others agreed, Josiah volunteering to break the news to Chris. He’d been the only one Chris let into his office all evening. Chris was still very much hoping the profiler could come up with some answers. There was just too little to go on.

Vin went to the bathroom and washed up. When he returned, Chris was out of his office saying good night and reminding them all to be in early. He and the FBI agents had a seven a.m. meeting with their bosses and Chris expected everyone at their desks by the time he was done. He looked at Ezra in particular who only bowed and bid him good evening.

The sharpshooter stalled as much as possible, wanting a minute alone with Chris. When the office door closed for good he turned to his boss.

"No sense you driving all the way out to the ranch, Chris. Why don’t you stay at my place?" Vin hitched his hip on his desk.

Chris’ face was impassive. "If I wanted to sleep on a couch I’d stay here." He turned back to his office.

Vin wasn’t about to be dismissed so easily. "No one’s saying you’d have to sleep on the couch." Vin smiled a little making sure there was no misunderstanding.

"You telling me you’ve changed your mind?" Chris put his hands on his hips and eyed Vin intently.

"I’m telling you there’s a warm bed and a little comfort waiting for you at my place."

Chris almost said yes. Not even for the sex although he missed that terribly. He wanted Vin to hold him, to ease him into sleep with soft words and soft touches. His longing for Vin was so intense he could taste it. Which is why he’d have to say no. He’d never get over him if he kept renewing his passion, however occasionally.

Vin interrupted his thoughts. Cajoling gently he said, "Know you want to, cowboy. Save tomorrow for tomorrow. Let me be with you tonight."

Chris shook his head. "That might have worked seven months ago, Vin. I can’t do that now." He glanced at his watch. "Go home, it’s late."

"Wait, Chris." Vin moved off his desk. "Maybe I jumped the gun." Chris tilted his head curiously. "Maybe we can work something out. Just come with me tonight."

Larabee hesitated. Vin was so hard to resist. But not impossible. He shook his head. "Maybe’s not good enough. Good night."

Frustrated, Vin let his anger rise. "What do you want from me, Chris? I’m telling you we can be together. Just leave love out of it, ok?"

Anger flickered in Chris’ eyes as well. "It’s not a switch, Vin. I can’t turn it off and on."

"I told you not to turn it on at all, damnit." It was just like Chris to hafta have everything his way or not at all.

"You think I wanted to?" Chris said bitterly. "You think ‘Fall in love with Vin’ was on my list of things to do before I die? I didn’t want it anymore than you did. Probably even less. But I did it. I fell in love and I can’t change it. If it’s not what you want, leave me be. Let me get past it." Chris shook his head. Yeah, like that was ever going to happen.

"Go ahead, Chris. I’ll leave you be. Get over it." Vin practically spat the words at him. That was Chris’ answer? Move on, get over it? That was love? Then Vin was right to stay away from it.

Vin grabbed his coat and stalked toward the door. Jerking it open, he stopped and took a deep breath. Chris was upset, he’d been to the funeral today of a man he considered a friend. A man whose murder he couldn’t solve. Vin turned. The space Chris had occupied was empty, his office door closed.

Vin went home.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The phone rang early the next morning but Vin wasn’t asleep. It was Buck. There’d been another mail bomb death with a matching m.o. at the Gallup campus of the University of New Mexico. Vin threw a few things in an overnight bag and went downstairs to wait for his ride to the airport.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Chris and Josiah had gone over it on the plane. The fatality in Gallup was an adjunct professor in the Science Department. What was the connection to Professor Hull? Chris was still chewing it over as the local policeman led him through the building to the crime scene. He was so distracted he collided with a janitor as the man emerged from a utility closet. Chris glanced at him briefly and mumbled an apology.

The ATF and the FBI followed the same procedure in New Mexico and had about as much luck as they’d had in Denver. Chris was ready to explode. Who was this guy and what did he want?

All the agents gathered in the hotel bar for a nightcap. They were all feeling frustrated by their lack of success. Chris had a quick beer and went to check in again with Travis. Vin felt Buck staring at him and leaned over.

"Just say it, Buck. You’re dying to" Vin whispered.

"Go knock on his door, Vin. He needs to let off a little steam. I love him to death but I just ain’t the man for that job." Buck smiled wantonly.

Vin smiled and shook his head. "Don’t think he’d let me." If only.

"You know, he never did tell me what happened," Buck said seriously.

"Maybe ‘cause it ain’t none of your business," Vin replied.

Buck stretched out his long legs and sighed. "Seems to me you waited too long, Vin. If you’re only looking to have a good time with someone you gotta move on pretty quickly." He smiled, the lewdness returning. "I believe you’ll agree I know what I’m talking about."

Vin wasn’t sure how to respond. So he said, "You are the expert at having a good time."

"That I am. I’m also a bit of an expert on Chris. He loves you, Vin. And if I didn’t know better I’d swear you love him, too. Maybe you didn’t intend for that to happen. Too late now. Only question is what are you going to do about it?"

Vin felt a little uncomfortable. Leave it to Buck to cut through the bullshit. "I intend to put this case down and worry about the rest later." He got up. "Nice chatting with you, Buck. ‘Night."

If he’d turned around he would have seen one very self-satisfied Buck Wilmington smiling brightly.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

They hadn’t stayed in New Mexico long. Little reason to since it didn’t seem to be getting them anywhere. Plus there were still plenty of guns and black market cigarettes and a dozen other things to keep them busy in Denver. Although he knew it was coming Chris dreaded the moment Travis told him he’d have to move the mail bomber to the back burner and get on with other things.

Chris couldn’t shake the feeling that Gallup was a red herring. But that would mean Dr. Hull was the target. Chris hadn’t imagined the man had any enemies and their investigation hadn’t revealed any. Yet he could find no connection between the two victims. Nothing made sense.

They knew the second bomb had been mailed from Gallup. Chris asked JD to search airline manifests for anyone recently travelling roundtrip from Denver to Albuquerque. He also wanted to know if anyone such travelers had rented vehicles. Checking credit card receipts would be next.

Chris tried his theory out on Agent Leary. He didn’t act very impressed. It was too implausible that someone would go through all that trouble to throw them off when they had nothing on the culprit. Chris agreed it was a good point but kept JD working that angle. As names came up, Chris sent his agents out to question the potential suspects.

Needless to say, Chris was a little surprised when he caught the news that night. The team was watching together while eating sandwiches in the conference room. There was Agent Leary espousing Chris’ ‘implausible’ theory on national television and taking full credit. He announced they’d narrowed their search to the UCD campus and were ready to interview some possible suspects.

"What an asshole," Buck declared.

"Want us to beat him up for you, Chris?" Nathan asked.

Chris smiled. "Not worth the effort, Nate." He was taking it extremely well. Every agent in the room found that quite suspicious.

They all exchanged quick glances. "Ok, Chris, out with it. Why so calm?" Vin asked. He realized that outside of giving him status reports those were the first words he’d said to Chris in days.

Chris looked at him. There was still a faint smile on his lips but his face was somber. "He can have all the credit. As long as we catch the guy."

There were murmured agreements all around. Chris looked at Vin still. Vin felt a surge of desire so strong he almost cried out. He closed his eyes. When he opened them Chris was getting up to leave. Vin resolved that they would catch this guy. Then he and Chris were gonna work this thing out between them once and for all.

The next afternoon Chris told his team to go out for a long lunch. They had orders from Travis to continue interviewing the handful of people who’d traveled to New Mexico. If no solid leave developed by week’s end they were to move on to other cases.

Chris declined to go with the guys. He was going to see Agent Leary.

"Now that’s the Chris Larabee we know and love," Josiah said.

Chris smiled mischievously. "Just going to update him on our progress."

"Ah ha. Sure you don’t want company?" Josiah was smiling too. Chris seemed a bit more relaxed today and Josiah was glad for it.

"Nope, better I do this alone. The man is a fellow agent of the law and all." Chris waved and left.

It wasn’t a long walk to the FBI building and Chris took the opportunity to once more try to think the case through. He approached the large glass doors and held one open for a woman exiting the building. Before he could enter a bicycle messenger pushed past him to get out. Chris looked after him shaking his head. Suddenly he couldn’t breathe. He ran into the building directly toward the reception desk.

"No!" he screamed. He saw only black as his knees hit the hard marble floor.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Vin fidgeted nervously in the back seat. Josiah spotted him in the rearview mirror and said, "Try and relax, son. Buck says Chris is alright."

Vin nodded. He couldn’t speak yet. He had to see for himself. Had to touch Chris to know he was ok. Buck had gotten the call from Travis. He, JD and Nate were already at the hospital. Vin silently willed Josiah to drive faster.

A phone rang on the passenger side. Ezra answered. Vin listened without comment. Seems Chris had been able to give a description of the bicycle messenger. The man he’d recognized from Gallup. The FBI had apprehended him and agents were searching his apartment. Apparently he was a maintenance man at the University.

Vin didn’t actually break into a run once they got to the hospital parking lot. He just walked very, very fast. Nathan met him at the door.

"Chris is ok. Got some burns on his forearms from protecting his face. His chest and stomach are badly bruised. Guy added projectiles this time. Packed more power, too." Nate put his hand on Vin’s shoulder. "He was lucky, Vin. He’s going to be fine. Knowing him he’ll probably go right to the office"

"Where?" Vin managed to ask.

Buck came and put his arm around the sharpshooter. "He’s down the hall. But maybe you ought to let me handle this one."

Vin shook his head. "Know what I’m doin’, Bucklin."

Buck eyed him for a minute then said, "Down the hall, on the left. Needs a doctor to sign him out."

Vin took a deep breath before entering the examining room.

Chris was sitting on the exam table fidgeting with a packet of pills. Lost in thought he twisted and bent it along the perforations. His arms were bandaged from wrists to elbows. He had a large bump on his forehead and scratches and bruises on his neck. Vin couldn't see his chest because he was wearing green hospital scrubs.

"Hey, cowboy," Vin said softly.

Chris looked up. "Hey." It was more of a whisper than a word.

"How’re you doing?"

Chris shrugged. He shook his head, started to say something then shrugged again. "The receptionist?" he asked finally.

Vin only knew what Buck had told Josiah. "She’ll live. Lost an eye, though. Few fingers." He thought maybe she lost a whole hand but he wasn’t sure. She’d been lucky too, though Vin was sure she didn’t feel it. This bomb hadn’t proved fatal.

"Why’d she open it?" Between the bruises and the emotional turmoil Chris’ voice was so weak Vin could hardly hear.

"Can’t say. Maybe she recognized the return address. FBI just caught him." Vin wanted to add, ‘Because of your description,’ but it would seem coddling and Chris would resent it.

Chris flung the pills across the room. "Should have realized it sooner."

"It was a matter of seconds, Chris." That was the truth, coddling or not. Vin moved closer to him, resting a hand on his knee. "What can I do?"

Chris shook his head again and searched with his eyes for something else to fidget with. Vin wanted to make a comment about Agent Leary getting his for stealing Chris’ theory. He decided against it. The package never made it to him and besides, no one deserved that kind of payback. He took a different approach.

"Want me to take ya to the office so you can get the updates?" Vin asked.

Chris frowned and hung his head. "Don’t want to go to the office."

"Want me to take ya to Inez’ so you can get drunk?"

"Don’t want to go to Inez’." Chris took Vin’s hand and pressed their palms together.

"Want me to take ya home and make love to ya?" Vin whispered.

Chris’ head jerked up. He looked into Vin’s eyes. Chris loved Vin’s eyes. When he came to on the floor of the FBI building his first thought was of Vin. Of his generous smile and his twinkling blue eyes.

"Yeah," Chris rasped. "I want you to take me home and make love to me."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Sunlight streamed through the window of Vin’s bedroom as the two men undressed. Neither man spoke a word. Vin helped ease the hospital garb over Chris’ head. He pressed a kiss to the darkest discoloration on his lover’s battered chest then hugged him delicately for a moment. He pulled away and scanned Chris’ eyes. Chris nodded slightly. Vin knew Chris would stop him if at any time it became too much for him. Planting his hands firmly on Chris’ hips but careful to avoid any bruises Vin pushed him back against the wall. He sank to his knees.

Chris closed his eyes when Vin began stroking his penis. There were precious few things in his life that had ever felt as right as Vin touching him. Or felt as good. For weeks he’d been trying to suppress the memory of it. Now he let those warm memories flood his mind as a hot mouth engulfed his cock. He’d missed this so much. Worse than realizing that he’d almost died today was knowing he’d die while on the outs with Vin. It was more than he could bear. Vin was too important to him to put his pride first anymore. Chris could never keep love out of it but he’d be with Vin until Vin was ready to let it in. And ever after.

Feeling his knees grow weak Chris swallowed and glanced down at Vin. He came quietly, fisting his hands in Vin’s hair. He slid down the wall a bit but Vin was there, carefully wrapping his arms around Chris’ waist. Kissing Chris’ collarbone and throat he guided him to the bed.

"Sure you’re not hurtin’ too much?" Vin asked. He wanted to comfort Chris but he didn’t have to use sex to do it. Even if Chris never gave him another chance he wouldn’t take advantage of him now. He watched Chris lay down and wince.

"My right arm’s stinging a little." Chris’ voice wasn’t any stronger than at the hospital.

Vin kneeled on the bed and grabbed a pillow. He placed Chris’ sore arm on it gently. "How ‘bout we just leave that there and see how it goes?"

"Ok," Chris said.

Vin straddled him. He bent his head to gingerly kiss every bruise on Chris’ chest and belly. Chris sighed. He was achy and tired but he wanted this. Wanted Vin. The conditions didn’t matter anymore. He gently skimmed along Vin’s back and side with his left hand.

Chris sucked in a breath as Vin’s tongue delved into his belly button. The sharpshooter slipped between his legs and slid his hands under Chris’ thighs. Still laying tiny kisses he pushed the muscular legs into a bent position. Vin kissed the dark purple bruises on his knees. Chris knew the lube was in the drawer but figured he’d better let Vin get it. He was going to need all his strength.

Vin leaned over to fumble for it. "You just let me do all the work, you hear?" He warmed the lube in his hands first then slid one long finger into Chris. The older man tensed pulling his knees up against his chest.

Hanging onto the slat of the headboard for leverage Vin leaned over him. "Told ya, let me do the work," he scolded mildly.

Chris looked up at him with so much love and trust Vin thought his heart would break then and there. The sharpshooter closed his eyes against the sting of tears. When he opened them Chris was smiling shyly.

Vin could only whisper. "Gave me a scare today, cowboy."

Chris nodded and Vin bent low. Their first kiss in weeks was absolutely tender and unbelievably sweet. Chris parted his lips and welcomed Vin. It was like coming home after a long arduous journey. Chris moaned against Vin’s mouth, savoring the taste of his lover. He tasted himself too and felt a surge of pleasure. He hadn’t let himself remember this. Now he never wanted to forget.

Chris shuddered when Vin slipped a second finger inside him, arching his back as his legs fell open on the bed. His tongue slid more deeply into Vin’s mouth. The blonde finally had to turn his head away when he felt the press of Vin’s finger against his prostate. A deep groan escaped him. Chris started rocking on Vin’s fingers signaling his lover he was ready for more. But Vin took his time, scissoring his fingers in between strokes along Chris’ sensitive gland.

Vin kissed Chris’ cheek then brushed his lips over his closed eyelids. He captured the older man’s lips for one last lingering kiss before withdrawing his fingers. The sharpshooter spread the lube on his cock mixing it freely with his own pre-cum. He eased Chris’ legs onto his shoulders and leaned in. Chris gasped and reached for Vin’s hand. Vin held it as he pushed the head of his cock into his lover. He knew he wouldn’t last long. Chris was so tight and it had been so long since they’d done it this way. Vin groaned as he sank all the way in. He tried to be gentle using long slow thrusts.

Chris’ eyes met his. "It’s ok, Vin. I want you to go faster."

Vin did. He lost any semblance of rhythm as he pounded away into Chris’ ass. He moved their clasped hands to Chris’ cock and together they jerked him off as Vin moved inside him. The sharpshooter used every bit of self-control in his body to hold off until Chris came. When he heard his lover’s cry and felt the clenching of his muscles around his cock Vin let go. He flexed his hips convulsively for a few minutes then leaned all the way forward. His head rested on Chris’ chest as his orgasm slowly abated.

Vin licked the salty sweat from Chris’ throat. He traced Chris’ lips with his tongue, waiting patiently for Chris to welcome him home again. Their tongues met once more with loving tenderness. Carefully Vin pulled out of Chris and lowered the blonde’s long legs. He lay beside him taking Chris’ hand again.

"I love you, Vin." Chris’ already weakened voice sounded heavy with emotion and fatigue.

"I love you, too." He smiled as Chris’ head snapped to the side. "Don’t tell me ya didn’t know it, Chris." Vin turned to look at him. Part of him wanted to kick himself. Chris was washed out and pale, his angry bruises standing out in the fading light. Part of him wanted to make love to Chris all over again.

"So tell me again why we’re apart?" Chris asked.

Vin shrugged. He knew he should get up and get Chris’ pain medication and promise to have this conversation tomorrow. But then, a few more minutes couldn’t hurt. "Been on my own a long time. Used to taking care of myself, relying on myself. Only person I know for sure I can trust."

"You trust me, don’t you? Or just with your life, not your heart?" Chris turned away to yawn.

"Reckon I do trust you. With everything. Don’t want to give up my freedom is all. Not ready to take that leap." Vin tried to recall where he’d put Chris’ meds. He really should let the man rest.

"Hmm. I get it." Chris squeezed Vin’s hand. "You know, Sarah was the most independent woman I’d ever met. And me? I was pretty wild. You’ve heard the stories. Buck loves to tell ‘em."

Vin laughed. "Been meaning to ask you about some of them," he teased.

Chris waved his other hand. "Another time. Maybe. The thing is, Sarah and I fell in love and we tamed each other. It wasn’t a bad thing. It was the best thing, actually. She was my best friend and I loved her. I never once tried to change her. Or her me. It just happened." Chris struggled to sit up, still holding Vin’s hand.

"Think my arm fell asleep," he said annoyed.

"Well leave it. It’ll hurt worse when it wakes up." Vin sat up, too.

Chris shrugged. Sounded good to him. "Vin, I fell in love with you the way you are. I don’t want to change you. I have though, in little ways. And you’ve changed me. Not because we were trying to but because that’s what happens when two people love each other."

Vin thought about it. The ways in which Chris had changed were pretty obvious. Vin had a calming affect on him. Helped him lighten up. There were more subtle differences too, and Chris was right. They went both ways.

Chris continued, his voice so hoarse Vin had to mentally fill in words that didn’t quite come out. "I know it sounds cliched but everything is better when you’re in love. The sex is better, the good times are easier and the bad times are more tolerable." Chris paused. How apropos of this day. He sighed. "The absences are harder but the reunions are sweeter. Or haven’t you noticed?" He tried to wriggle his eyebrows but it took a lot of energy he just didn’t have.

"I’ve noticed. I’ve also noticed you can hardly keep your eyes open." Vin leaned over and kissed Chris softly on the lips. "How ‘bout I get your meds and we finish this tomorrow?"

"Ok. I’m not pressuring you Vin, just want you think about it."

Vin laughed. Sometimes Chris really was unaware of how powerful a force he exerted on those around him. "Right, no pressure." He got up to get the pills and water.

When he returned Chris was laying down staring out the window. He leaned up to take the pills and water to wash them down.

"Still thinking about me?" Vin asked amusedly.

"Always. Just wondering why he did it."

Vin didn’t need those blanks filled in. "Who can say? Maybe Leary will find out why."

Chris snorted. "Yeah, if I show him how first." He closed his eyes. "Sometimes you don’t get to know why."

"Can you live with that?" Vin lay down beside him. Chris bent his arm over his chest and Vin moved on his side closer. He carefully laid his arm alongside Chris’.

"No choice, really." He was almost out. "Cold," was all he could manage.

Vin covered them and resumed his position near Chris.

"Cowboy?" he whispered.

"Hmm?"

"Love is forever, right?" Vin hated to sound needy, hated that love could do that to him. But, well, he needed to know.

"Forever. Whether we take that leap you mentioned or not. I’ll always love you."

"Me too." Vin rested his head on Chris’ shoulder and closed his eyes.

Finis

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