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Secrets Best Kept |
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Vin opened his eyes and let out a groan as the bright sunlight hit them. He quickly closed them and brought his hands up to cover them, only to let out another gasp of pain as his sore ribs protested the movement."Shit," he muttered aloud, trying to control the pain.
"Easy, Mr. Tanner," Ezra spoke softly, gently holding Vin down on the mattress. "Mustn’t move around too much."
"No shit, Ezra."
"Well, considering that this is the third or fourth time you’ve woken up like this, I thought it merited mentioning again," he said, releasing his hold on Vin’s arms. "Now. Mr. Jackson has left me with specific instructions regarding your care this afternoon. I do believe lunch, medicine and rest are on your agenda for the day. And probably for the unforeseeable future, as well."
"Could use some of that medicine now, Ez, if you don’t mind," Vin got out, the pain from his leg and ribs making itself more than known.
"Of course, Mr. Tanner."
Ezra helped Vin to sit up, propping him up a bit with pillows behind his back, and gave him a dose of Laudanum. Sitting up, Vin was able to see that he wasn’t the only patient in the clinic. He smiled at Mrs. Barker, the bank teller’s wife, as she read quietly to her husband.
"So how’d you get stuck with me, Ez?" Vin asked, taking a bite of the lunch Ezra gave him.
"Everyone else seems to have made other plans today," Ezra replied with a wave of his hand. "Mr. Larabee is out of town, probably at that deplorably rustic shack he calls home. Mr. Wilmington is nursing a hung-over Mr. Dunne. The Reverend Sanchez is working on the church roof again. And Mr. Jackson is visiting the Clemsons, as apparently, Mrs. Clemson took a fall out of their barn’s loft last week and injured herself. Of course," Ezra continued more quietly, looking first towards the Barkers and then back at Vin, "we all know what she was doing up in that loft without Mr. Clemson!"
Vin just shook his head at the gossipy tone of Ezra’s voice.
"Ain’t got nothin’ better to do than talk about other folks, Ez?"
"You’d rather I talk about myself? Or are you willing to tell me something about yourself? Some juicy tidbit?"
Vin was lucid enough to see a glint of something in Ezra’s eyes, to know that he was somehow baiting him into saying something. He wasn’t about to let that happen.
"I guess you can just keep talkin’ about the Clemsons then, Ez. If I don’t fall asleep again. That Laudanum’s startin’ to work already," he said, putting down the rest of the sandwich he’d been eating and pushing the tray away.
"Of course," Ezra replied, removing the lunch tray from Vin’s lap and then the pillows from the bed, gently helping Vin to lie back down. "Now, from what I hear, Mr. Clemson is still quite oblivious as to with whom Mrs. Clemson was in the loft. According to Mrs. Potter, young William Patterson was the one that came to town to fetch Mr. Jackson…"
Vin closed his eyes and only half-listened to Ezra’s tale. He was more concerned about that devious glint he’d seen in his eyes. Why had Ezra wanted to know about his life all of a sudden? He hadn’t had too much time to think, though, before the Laudanum and Ezra’s voice lulled him to sleep.
+ + + + + + +
Buck looked over at his young friend and smiled. Smiled in relief that JD had finally stopped throwing up and succumbed to sleep. Now it was time for some sleep of his own. He collapsed back onto the mattress and put his hands behind his head, closing his eyes…but no matter how tired he was, sleep eluded him. Vin’s words haunted him.
‘Last time Chris fucked me…’
I thought we had somethin’. All those times he snuck up to this very bed… The ‘hunting’ trips we took together… The look in his eyes when we made love… Was he dreamin’ of Chris all those times? Was I just a convenient body, a substitute for what he couldn’t have?
He turned over onto his side and punched his pillow into shape before settling back down.
‘Last time Chris fucked me…’
I ain’t good enough that ya gotta make up stories about Chris doin’ ya? Shit, Vin, you were the best thing I ever had! Never felt so safe, so content in anyone else’s arms, before you. Hell, don’t think I ever knew anyone’s name before! Just a string of fucks here and there when I could get ‘em…
He rolled over again.
So what are ya gonna do, Wilmington? Confront him? Tell him you heard what he said? You might lose him that way. Not tell? Know that you already lost him anyway, but take what you can get? You’ll be miserable. Like you’re not already miserable? Shit.
+ + + + + + +
The next time Vin woke up, it was dark outside. Nathan was at his bedside almost as soon as the first pain-filled curse escaped his lips.
"Here ya go, Vin," he said, ready to administer the painkiller Vin had quickly become reliant on.
"Why’s it hurt so much, Nate?" he asked. "I’ve busted bones before…"
"This one’s bad, Vin," Nathan replied. "Bone came through the skin and everythin’."
"Shit."
"Seems to be the word of the day," Nathan said with a sigh, beginning to remove some of the bandaging on Vin’s leg to see the wound underneath. "Gotta check the wound here, Vin. I’ll try to be gentle."
Vin clenched his teeth and let out a few hisses as a result of Nathan’s ministrations.
"You holdin’ up okay?"
"Gettin’ a bit uncomfortable bein’ on my back all the time," he replied.
"We’ll see if one of the other fellas can give me a hand movin’ you onto your side or somethin’ tomorrow. Don’t want you gettin’ no bedsores," Nathan offered.
"Where are the other fellas?" Vin asked. "Ain’t seen no one but you and Ezra. Or I been sleepin’ through everyone else’s visits?"
"Maybe a little bit of both, Vin," Nathan replied. "I know I’ve been busy between you, Mr. Barker and Mrs. Clemson."
"Yeah, Ez told me all about Mrs. Clemson…"
"That Ezra’s more gossipy than half the women in this town," Nathan said with a shake of his head. "I wouldn’t believe half of what he told ya."
"Never do, Nate. Never do."
+ + + + + + +
"Oh, man, Buck, what the hell did you do to me?"
"What did I do? That’s a laugh. More like what did Ezra do, JD," Buck answered from his position at the window.
"Ezra?"
"Yeah, Ezra," he said, starting to pace the room. "Lettin’ you get so drunk you almost spill the beans about what Vin said, right there in the middle of the saloon! Thought I taught you better than that, JD!"
JD looked at Buck and saw the anger and disappointment in his eyes and knew he was right.
"Sorry, Buck," he said, dropping his gaze to the floor.
"Hope so. Especially since it ain’t even true!"
That brought JD’s head up. "It’s not?"
"No, it’s not."
"What’d Chris say?" JD was very curious about what might have happened during Chris and Buck’s conversation. To learn that Vin’s words were untrue were quite a relief to JD, especially once he started remembering the alcohol induced dreams he’d had that involved Chris and Vin and the rest of the Seven.
"He said that it wasn’t true, JD. That he and Vin are just friends, that’s all."
"So why would Vin say that, then? I mean, what does that say about Vin?"
"How the hell should I know, JD?!" Buck stopped his pacing, realizing that his voice was getting louder and louder with each of his responses. He realized that he was taking his anger with Vin and himself out on JD. "Sorry, JD. This is just all confusin’ to me. Let’s just put Vin’s words up to him bein’ drunk as all get go and hurtin’ so much, and forget he ever said it, okay?"
"Sure, Buck."
Buck picked up his hat. "I’m headin’ out," he said and left the room.
+ + + + + + +
Buck spent about an hour in the saloon. He lost all the hands of poker he played, and about five dollars to go with them, and didn’t care. He turned down the four saloon girls that offered to cheer him up. He never even noticed the watered down whiskey, the bad piano playing or the even worse singing. All he knew was that he was missing something. Someone. But was Vin missing him?
Frustrated, he pushed away from the bar and left, heading toward Nathan’s clinic.
When he arrived, Nathan was sitting outside, smoking a cigar.
"How is he?" he asked, leaning against the rail.
"Not too bad. In a lot of pain; uncomfortable," Nathan replied. "But nothin’ that won’t get better over time. In fact, if you could come by tomorrow mornin’, we could maybe help him a bit with the uncomfortable part. Help me turn him onto his side."
"Sure, Nathan."
"Or, if you wanna help me out now, think you could stay here with him and Mr. Barker for a bit while I grab some dinner?" he asked. "Don’t need to do nothin’. They’re both sleepin’," he added, seeing a bit of uncertainty on Buck’s face.
"Sure, Nathan," Buck said with a nod. "You go on. I’ll stay here."
When Nathan had reached the bottom of the steps, Buck turned to the clinic door. After entering quietly, he made his way over to Vin’s bedside and took in the sight of the battered man. Taking off his hat as he took the seat next to the bed, he let out a quiet sigh. And just watched.
"You just gonna sit there and stare at me all night, Buck, or you gonna get me a glass of water?" Vin whispered, opening his eyes to Buck’s startled expression.
Buck quickly did as he was bid and helped Vin to take a few sips of the water.
"‘Bout time you showed up. Thought you didn’t love me no more, Buck," he said, jokingly.
"Been busy. And you’ve been in capable hands," Buck replied curtly.
Vin was about to make a snappy retort about the capable hands he’d have preferred, but he remembered that Mr. Barker was in the next bed. "Yeah, I reckon," he replied, instead. "Rest of the boys been busy, too?" he asked. "Ain’t seen them, neither."
"Reckon so."
"You alright, Buck? You ain’t worried about me, now are ya?"
"Always," Buck whispered to himself.
"Buck?"
"I’m fine, Vin. You just worry on yourself, okay? You need to rest up now. And we don’t want to be wakin’ up Mr. Barker, neither," he said. "I’m fine," he repeated.
Vin nodded his head, but didn’t believe Buck for a minute. He thought maybe it was something that needed some privacy to discuss. And Mr. Barker, he thought, doesn’t need to hear about mine and Buck’s business. "Sure, Buck," he said.
Buck watched as Vin slowly fell asleep again. He stayed and watched over the man he loved…Yeah, I still love ya, Vin…until Nathan came back.
+ + + + + + +
Chris rode into town at dawn. Despite the strange and disturbing images and dreams he’d had about Vin during the night, and therefore the feelings of betrayal he felt, warranted or not, he still felt the need to at least see how Vin was doing. He wouldn’t go to the clinic; he knew he couldn’t talk to him. What do you say to a man who wants you to fuck him? A man you thought you knew better than yourself? One that knew you better than you did? One that was your best friend?
He looked up as he passed the stairs leading to Nathan’s clinic. He was just heading toward the livery when he heard Nathan’s call.
"Chris? When you’re done puttin’ up your horse, come on up. I need a hand with Vin."
And he was back inside before Chris could say no to the request.
Shit. Could just ignore Nate. Pretend I didn’t hear him. Nah. He saw my eyes. He knows I heard him. Maybe I can get one of the others to help him…
And Chris did look around desperately for one of the others. But at this time of the morning, the only one besides him that’s usually up is Vin…
Shit.
He brought his horse to the livery and left it in its stall before reluctantly heading to Nathan’s. He didn’t think it had ever been so hard to climb those stairs. When he opened the door, he was surprised to see Buck already inside.
Why should I be surprised? After what Buck told me about them two…
"‘Bout time you came to call on me, Cowboy. Been startin’ to feel like you don’t love me no more," Vin called from his bed. "Came to help out? Nate says he’s got some way of proppin’ my leg up so’s I can lay on my side. Chris? Chris, you with us?"
Chris had stopped in his tracks after Vin’s second sentence.
"Chris?"
"What?" he finally replied, looking at Nathan, because he couldn’t bear to look at either Buck or Vin. "What do I have to do, Nate?"
"I need to keep Vin’s leg raised up, to help with the circulation. So I need you and Buck to help Vin roll onto his left side while I hold his leg and turn it as he goes. Then I’ll retie it on top of the pillows like I had before," Nathan replied, gesturing with his hands at the same time so that Chris and Buck would have a better understanding.
"That Laudanum workin’ yet, Vin?" Buck asked.
"Startin’ to."
"Now, Vin, you let us do all the work, ya hear?" Nathan ordered his patient and got a nod in response.
Buck put his hands on Vin’s right hip, ready to pull it toward him, while Chris grasped Vin’s right forearm.
Vin looked up at Chris then, expecting to see some reassurance in his friend’s eyes, some of the camaraderie they shared whenever they clasped forearms like that in friendship. He was confused and upset when Chris wouldn’t meet his gaze.
"Chris?" he whispered. What’s wrong, Cowboy?
Any more thoughts were driven from his mind as Nathan’s count to three had come and gone and he felt himself engulfed in pain and cried out as his leg and ribs protested the movements they made.
"Easy, Vin," Buck soothed, rubbing his hand on Vin’s back, now. "Just take it easy, now. It’ll get better." He placed a couple of pillows behind Vin, helping to prop him up and support him.
"That’s it. Slow, even breaths," Nathan added as he finished securing Vin’s leg.
By the time Vin was able to open his eyes again, Chris was gone.
"Buck? Where’d Chris go?" he asked.
Buck heard the sadness in Vin’s voice and didn’t know who he was madder at - Vin for having those thoughts about Chris, himself for not being Chris, or Chris for causing the sadness by leaving.
"Don’t know, Vin," he replied, trying unsuccessfully to keep the anger out of his voice.
"Buck?"
It was all Buck could do not to blurt out everything he was feeling right then and there, in front of Nathan and Mr. Barker. He took a deep breath and let it out, grabbed his hat and headed for the door.
Vin looked to Nathan for answers but the healer just shrugged his shoulders. He was just as confused as Vin.
After a few minutes, Vin spoke up again. "Nate? When’s Mr. Barker gettin’ outta here?"
"Later today, maybe," Nathan replied.
Vin nodded his head. He had the sinking feeling that Chris had found out about he and Buck, and that he wasn’t too happy about their arrangement. It was the only explanation he could think of for their behaviors.
+ + + + + + +
Buck found Chris, alone in the saloon, a whiskey bottle and shot glass already on the table in front of him.
"A little early in the morning for that, don’tcha think?"
"Nope."
Buck pulled a chair out and sat down opposite his old friend.
"I think Vin was kinda hopin’ you’d have stayed for a bit," he finally said.
"Yeah, I’m sure that’s what he wanted."
"Goddammit, Chris!" Buck cursed. "He’s your friend!"
"Was."
"Look, Chris, if anyone’s got a right to refuse Vin’s friendship right now, I think it oughtta be me, but..."
"He dreamed about me fucking him, Buck!"
"Don’t seem like such a bad dream..."
Chris got up from the table then and started to leave. Buck grabbed his arm, stopping him.
"If it was a woman dreaming about you fucking her, you wouldn’t care, would ya? Probably be flattered, right?"
"Vin ain’t a woman," Chris retorted.
"So what, only women can flatter ya? A man can’t find ya attractive?"
"That ain’t the point, Buck. What the hell am I supposed to think next time we’re holed up somewhere, scouting around, or waiting on a prisoner transfer or something? How am I supposed to feel, knowing that my best friend wants me to..."
"You’re supposed to feel good, Chris," Buck replied, meeting Chris’s gaze and holding it for a moment before letting go of his arm.
Chris straightened his hat and duster and strode out the doors, leaving the saloon and Buck behind.
+ + + + + + +
"How you doin’, Vin?"
"Doin’ alright, I reckon, Nate. Just bored outta my skull is all."
"Want me to get JD to come up and read one of his dime novels to ya?" Nathan asked.
"Anything to pass the time. I’d been listenin’ in on Mrs. Barker’s readin’ when Mr. Barker was here and I was awake."
"She does have a sweet voice, don’t she?"
"Yep, she does," Vin replied with a smile. "But yeah, I’d appreciate JD’s company. No offense, Nate."
"None taken, Vin," Nathan replied with a smile of his own. "I’ll go see if I can scare him up for ya. You’ll be okay by yourself for a few minutes?"
"Go on. I’m fine."
+ + + + + + +
Nathan headed over to the jail, hoping to find JD.
"JD? You in here?" he called when he entered the sheriff’s office, only to find no one in sight.
"Back here, Nathan!" JD called from one of the cells. "Just cleanin’ up in here a bit. That last drunk we had in here really made a mess of things. You wouldn’t believe how much…" JD stopped himself when he realized he was starting to ramble. "Sorry, Nate. What can I do for you?"
"Vin was wonderin’ if maybe you could read one of your dime novels to ‘im. Help pass the time," Nathan replied.
"Vin? Uh... how is he?" JD asked, his voice easily giving away how uncomfortable he’d become talking about Vin.
"He’s doin’ okay," Nathan said, picking up on JD’s uneasiness. "He’s just bored. But what about you? You doin’ okay? You seem a bit off all of a sudden."
"Me? No, I’m fine," JD answered quickly. "But hey, I’m glad Vin’s doin’ okay, but I got a lot of things I gotta get done today. Maybe some other time, tell him."
JD went back into the jail cell and began to sweep, avoiding Nathan’s gaze. Nathan, though puzzled at JD’s behavior, let it go and left the office.
"What the hell is goin’ on?" he muttered to himself. "First Chris and Buck actin’ all strange, then JD… Damn, I’m gettin’ as bad as Ezra wantin’ to know all the gossip."
Deciding to get a few quick errands done while he was out, Nathan headed to the Potters’ store.
+ + + + + + +
When Nathan returned to the clinic, Vin was asleep. He took the time to gently check Vin’s leg wound for any signs of infection and to make sure the bones were still aligned. After replacing the blanket, pulling it up to Vin’s shoulders, he took his seat at his desk and took out one of his medical texts to read. He was startled half an hour later when Ezra made an appearance.
"Good morning, Mr. Jackson," Ezra greeted him from the doorway. "And how are you and Mr. Tanner faring today?"
"We’re doin’ just fine, Ezra," Nathan replied. He moved to the doorway and stepped outside to talk, not wanting to disturb Vin’s rest. "What are you doin’ up so early, Ezra?"
"Couldn’t sleep; too much noise around town today, I guess," he replied. "Anything happening around here?"
"Nothin’ more than me cursin’ your sorry ass."
"Excuse me, Mr. Jackson? What, pray tell, have I done?"
"You got me all caught up wonderin’ what’s goin’ on between Chris and Buck and Vin and now, JD, that’s what!"
"Mr. Dunne?" Ezra questioned.
"Yeah. When I asked him if he’d mind comin’ up here to read one of his dime novels to Vin, to help him pass the time, he got all… I don’t know… all squirrelly. Like seein’ Vin was the last thing in the world he wanted to do. Said he had all kinds of plans today, that he couldn’t do it," Nathan explained.
"Mr. Dunne refusing to read one of his illustrious dime novels? That is peculiar," Ezra mused.
"Josiah ain’t been by, neither, come to think of it. Usually he’s up here prayin’ or readin’ from the Bible or somethin’. Or even just offerin’ to help me out."
"Even more peculiar."
"But even worse, was that even Chris seemed to be out of sorts this mornin’," Nathan continued. "Didn’t say a word to Vin when he helped me and Buck move Vin around. Not that he normally says much, but you know what I mean."
"Most peculiar."
"That all you can say, Ezra?" Nathan responded, getting annoyed. "What’s goin’ on, Ezra?"
"I don’t know, Nathan. I don’t know," Ezra replied. "Apparently, something more than we’ve heard happened on the quest for those miscreants Shuck and Carlton."
+ + + + + + +
Inside the clinic, unbeknownst to Nathan and Ezra, Vin was awake - and listening in on their conversation.
Shit! he swore to himself. JD and Josiah know, too. But how? This wasn’t supposed to happen! He knew when he and Buck started their relationship that it was risky. But what in their lives wasn’t? Vin was used to looking over his shoulder, watching for bounty hunters. Moving about, meeting in secrecy - it was second nature to him. He’d swore that no one else knew about he and Buck.
Something must have happened. I musta been real bad off and Buck must have said something, or done something, to give our secret away. He sighed. No way to change that, he reasoned.
But Vin was still at a loss. He thought he’d known these men. Thought they were more tolerable. Hell, we’ve fought for Indians, saved a black man from hanging, protected prostitutes… how much more tolerant could they be? Apparently that tolerance did not include men like he and Buck.
Vin closed his eyes and let out a breath. He didn’t know what to do, other than want to ride on out of town and never come back. Yeah, like that’s gonna happen anytime soon, Tanner. You’re gonna be strapped down to this bed for another coupla weeks and then on crutches for who knows how long… Buck’s probably not farin’ much better…
Nathan came in and saw the tears on Vin’s face.
"Vin? You alright? You need some Laudanum?"
Wanting to sink into oblivion, Vin nodded his head. "Yeah, Nate, I’m hurtin’ somethin’ fierce right now. Could use some," he got out.
Nathan gave him some of the medicine and watched, as the pain seemed to ease.
+ + + + + + +
"Come on, Vin, you gotta eat somethin’. Nathan says you gotta keep your strength up, else that leg ain’t never gonna mend."
But Buck was again met with silence. Nathan had asked him to come talk to Vin when he noticed that Vin had ceased being the model patient. Sometime in the last half-day or so, Vin had decided to refuse any food, drink or medicines offered. When asked why, Vin refused to even reply. He didn’t know exactly what Vin’s reasons were, but he suspected that they had something to do with his lack of visitors. He tried to come up with excuses for the other men’s absences, but Vin saw them as the lies they were. At his wit’s end, he went to Buck’s room and dragged him out of his bed and brought him to Vin’s.
Letting out a sigh, Buck stood and walked to the other side of the room, to Nathan’s desk.
"Nate? You mind givin’ me and Vin a few minutes alone?" he asked.
Nathan looked at the seriousness in Buck’s eyes, nodded his head and left the clinic.
"Just you and me, Vin," Buck said, returning to Vin’s bedside. "Tell me what’s goin’ on in that head of yours."
More silence. After a minute or so, as Buck was about to try again, Vin finally spoke up.
"Why’d you tell ‘em?" he asked.
"I don’t understand, Vin. Tell who, what?"
"Chris. The others. Why’d you tell ‘em about us?"
Buck knew this moment would come. Vin wasn’t stupid. He’d seen the way Chris was acting. He knew the others hadn’t come to see him. But should he tell Vin the truth? Remind them both that Vin’s no-longer-secret lust for Chris is what caused the rifts between them all? Deciding that he needed to hear the truth from Vin as well, Buck decided that Vin needed to know what he’d said under the whiskey’s influence.
"I didn’t," Buck said, an obvious tremor in his voice.
"They know, Buck. Chris and Josiah and JD - they know. They won’t even come look at me or talk to me, Buck. How’d they find out, if you didn’t tell ‘em?"
"You… you told ‘em… about…"
Buck couldn’t say the words. How easy it was to throw them at Chris when he was mad and accused his oldest friend of stealing his lover away. How easy it had been. But now, how hard it was to say them to the man he loved, to accuse him of being unfaithful, if only in his mind.
"You said something," he began. "When you were drunk on that whiskey I gave ya."
"What’d I say, Buck?" Vin asked, trying to recall anything other than the pain he was in out in Red Fork Canyon. "What’d I say, Buck?!" he repeated when Buck didn’t answer. "Come on, Buck. We’ve always been honest with one another. Tell me."
"Honesty?" Buck whispered to himself, looking away from Vin and down to the floor. Gathering his resolve, he looked back at Vin, saying, "You want honesty? Fine. I’ll give it to ya."
Vin looked at Buck, and seeing the hurt expression on his face, almost made him regret his demand for an answer.
"When we were in the Canyon… after you got hurt… I gave you that damn bottle of whiskey to drink, to ease some of the pain. Then, later on, when we was gettin’ ready to move ya onto the litter, we tried to lighten the mood some. Wanted you thinkin’ on some ‘happy thoughts’ to help get your mind off the hurts…" Buck had to stop for a minute, as Vin’s words came back to him, clear and sharp, and he felt them stab at his heart once more.
Vin whispered his name.
"We saw this nice big smile on your face and asked ya what you was thinkin’ on." Buck stopped again, still unable to form the words, but knowing he had to. Finally, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, he got them out. "You said you were thinking about the last time Chris fucked you."
Not opening his eyes until he’d risen from the chair and walked away from the bed, he didn’t see the look of utter shock on Vin’s face. "Buck…" was all he was able to say.
"Gee, that’s just what Chris said," Buck said with a sad chuckle.
"It’s not true, Buck."
"Yeah, he said that, too."
Vin closed his eyes tight. He couldn’t bear to see the pain on Buck’s face. He wished he could block out the pain in his voice, as well, as he recalled Buck telling him about how Chris had stolen Sarah’s heart from him all those years ago. And now, he’d thought Chris guilty again.
"I don’t know why I said that, Buck," he finally got out. "I was drunk. I was hurt… But Buck, ya gotta know it ain’t true!"
"I know that, Vin. I do," Buck said with a sigh, running his fingers through his hair in frustration as he walked back toward Vin. "But it hurt. Hell, it still hurts to remember you saying them words. I thought we had somethin’, Vin. I thought you loved me."
"We do! I do!" Vin asserted quickly, grabbing Buck’s hand, pulling him down to sit on the bed. "I do love ya, Buck. I don’t know why I said what I did, honest to God! I don’t feel that way about Chris or anyone else! Only you! You gotta believe me!"
Buck sat quietly, wishing with all his might that Vin’s words were true. He looked into his eyes.
"Please, Buck."
He couldn’t ignore the plea, the desperation he saw in Vin’s eyes, how he heard it in his voice.
"I love you, Buck. Please, believe me!"
"I believe ya, Vin," Buck finally said, bringing Vin’s hand up to his cheek. "Hell," he swore, a sad smile coming to his face, continuing, "who hasn’t said anything stupid when they were drunk, right?"
"I’m sorry, Buck."
"Nothin’ to be sorry for, Vin. I know now that you didn’t say it on purpose. Hell, I’ve had thoughts about Chris, myself, over the years. Don’t mean nothin’."
"Yeah, but did you ever tell anybody else about it?" Vin retorted, thinking of the others again. "Ever say somethin’ that caused your friends to not be your friends no more? What are we gonna do about them, Buck?"
"Maybe it’s time to come clean, Vin. Find out who our friends really are."
"And if they aren’t?"
"Then maybe it’ll be time for you and me to hitch up that old wagon of yours and move on."
+ + + + + + +
Vin and Buck talked for another half an hour or so, trying to figure out how to break the news of their relationship to the other men. Especially JD and Chris, the ones they feared would have the worst reactions.
"Once we explain things, they’ll understand," Buck said.
"They already think I’m some kinda… pervert or somethin’," Vin retorted. "If they understood, they wouldn’t be avoidin’ me so much."
"Josiah’s okay with ya, Vin. He’s seen past it already, I was there when he told JD that you should be judged for the good you done, not for who you done."
"You’ve got such a way with words, Buck," Vin laughed. "But I still ain’t seen Josiah up here, neither."
Vin shifted on the bed and let out a hiss of pain as his ribs protested the movement. He felt Buck’s fingers in his hair and let out a sigh.
"Let’s just leave this for tonight, huh? You’re tired, you’re hurtin’ and hell, Nate should be back here any time now to tell you that it’s time for more medicine and sleep anyway. Maybe we’ll come up with a better plan come tomorrow."
"Sure, Buck."
Buck smiled, happy with Vin once again, but wishing the past few days had never happened. "I’ll stop by a little later, okay? Maybe bring ya some breakfast?"
Hearing Nathan coming up the stairs, Buck rose and grabbed his hat, ready to head back to his own bed. At the last minute, he bent over the bed and gave Vin a quick, but sensual, kiss.
"Goodnight, Vin."
"’Night, Buck."
+ + + + + + +
As Buck headed back to his room, he thought about how to break the news to JD. While he and Vin had talked, they kept coming back to the word honesty. That despite their sneaking around and hiding their relationship, they’d never had to lie to anyone about it. And they didn’t want to start now. Buck realized that he had already lied to JD, feigning ignorance about Vin’s choice of partners, chalking it up to drunkenness, using JD’s naivete about such matters to avoid telling the truth.
He guessed it came right down to what he and Vin wanted for each other, and that included more than just sneaking around to have sex. And since they both wanted continued friendships with the others, then coming clean and telling them the truth had to be a part of it.
Instead of his own room, Buck found himself in front of JD’s room. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door. He wasn’t surprised to hear the twin Colt’s cock before JD’s voice.
"Who’s there?" JD called.
"It’s Buck."
"Buck? What the hell are you doin’ up in the middle of the night?" JD asked tiredly as he unlocked his door.
Buck smiled as the door opened and he caught sight of JD in his nightshirt, guns in hands and bowler hat firmly on his head. "Mind if I come in?"
JD clearly saw the troubled look in Buck’s eyes and stepped back from the doorway to let Buck in. "What’s wrong, Buck?" he asked.
"Close the door and sit down, JD," Buck said, taking a seat on the bed. After JD did so, Buck continued. "I got somethin’ to tell ya, and you ain’t gonna like it, but I want ya to hear me out. Okay?"
"Buck? What’s goin’ on?"
"Remember the other night, how I told you about how it wasn’t true about Chris and Vin?"
"Wait a minute," JD interrupted, coming to his feet. "You tellin’ me that it is?!!"
"No, JD, it ain’t. Chris and Vin don’t do that stuff," Buck said quickly, pushing JD back down onto the chair. "Me and Vin do."
It was almost a full minute before JD responded, standing now and backing away from Buck. "But all those women! Buck?! What about all that animal magnetism stuff you spout all the time?! And all those women!" he practically shouted.
"Just a cover. A front, so no one would suspect."
"So no one would suspect?"
"Think about it, JD. What would happen to us?"
"You lied to me, Buck. You’ve been lying to me this whole time! And Vin, too!" JD was frantic, pacing the room, but keeping his distance from Buck.
"I didn’t do it to hurt you, JD. And neither did Vin." He stayed on the bed, afraid to approach JD, spook him any further. "This just isn’t something you can tell everyone about, that’s all. We’re still the same people, JD. We care about this town; we care about the people in it, especially us seven. But we wouldn’t be able to do anything good if anyone knew. They’d string us up just like they tried to string up Nathan. Most folks only see what’s outside, and don’t care about what’s inside."
Buck stopped for a minute and watched as JD stared out the window, refusing to look at him.
"JD, I wouldn’t be tellin’ you all this if Vin and I didn’t care about you, didn’t want you for a friend. Despite just findin’ out about this, you know what else we’ve done. What kind of men we are, on the inside."
"I don’t understand it, Buck," JD said, finally turning away from the window. "How can men do that with each other? How can you not like girls?"
"I’ve been askin’ myself that question for most of my life and I still don’t know the answer to that one, JD," Buck replied with a sad chuckle. "I have liked some girls, though, I gotta admit. Just like men better. And hell, they’re a lot easier to figure out, since I am one, that’s for sure!"
"I don’t know if I could handle watchin’ you and Vin together. It would be too weird, ya know?"
"We ain’t gonna be invitin’ you to my room at night, JD," Buck sighed, rolling his eyes. "And we ain’t gonna be doin’ anythin’ different than we been doin’ - hidin’ what we got from everyone. All we’re askin’ is that you understand that we’re together. That we love each other."
"You two actually love each other?"
"Yeah, JD. We do."
"I gotta think on this some, Buck."
"Fair enough, JD."
+ + + + + + +
Chris watched as Nathan threw out the morning bath water, dumping it over the railing to the ground below. He looked up at the sun and figured it to be about eight in the morning. Vin would be awake and Nathan would be heading out to grab some breakfast for the two of them soon.
He’d spent the previous day riding and the night camping out under the stars, next to a small grove of trees and a stream. It was one of his favorite places to go fishing, to just get out of town. With Vin.
Sitting there, watching the fish jump out of the water, seeing the hawks circling nearby, listening to Vin telling him about the Kiowa and Comanche beliefs when it came to the Spirits of various animals, he realized that he missed having his friend by his side.
Was it really that Vin had those thoughts about him that made him mad? Or was it the fact that he never told him about him and Buck? The day they met, Vin had told him of the bounty on his head. But he couldn’t tell him about being…with Buck. He could get lynched for both of those things. Why was one easier to talk about? Why was one easier to accept? Because Vin is innocent of the murder charge. He’s not innocent of being…different. Chris reasoned. You knew about Buck. You stayed friends with him… But Buck never wanted you to fuck him. Not that you knew of, anyway…
He’s stayed awake most of the night, his mind warring, trying to decide which was the worst, finding out that Vin had feelings for him, finding out that Vin and Buck were together, being…different, or losing two of the best friends he’d ever had.
Climbing the stairs to Nathan’s clinic, he still wasn’t sure that he knew the answer. But he did know that he had to do this. Talk to Vin. Find out one way or another where they stood.
"Hey, Chris," Nathan greeted him with a smile. "You’ve got perfect timing this mornin’. I was just about to head out for some breakfast. Mind keepin’ Vin company for a bit?"
"Not at all, Nate," he replied, looking toward Vin’s bed, meeting Vin’s gaze.
Vin watched Chris closely; saw the uncertainty in his eyes. And as much as he wanted to blurt out his apologies for saying what he’d said, for not telling him sooner about he and Buck, for anything he could to regain their friendship, he held his tongue. Chris had come to him. It would be up to Chris to make the first move, to say what he thought. And so he waited. Waited for Nathan to finally leave. Waited for Chris to pace the room a few times. Waited for Chris to finally say the words that would end their friendship.
"I’m sorry, Vin."
Or not?
"You’re sorry? What for? I’m the one that said what I did. I’m the one that screwed everything up between us all."
"I’m sorry for reacting the way I did," Chris replied. "I was upset. Mad. Scared." He shrugged his shoulders. "I never suspected…never thought…"
"You weren’t supposed to."
"And knowing that you want me to…" He couldn’t say it, not in front of Vin. He looked away.
"I don’t."
"You don’t?" That brought Chris’s attention back.
"Nope." Vin had to laugh then, amused at the look of relief on Chris’s face. "Just some drunken ramblin’s, Cowboy. Don’t know why I said it, just wish I hadn’t."
The silence between them was still awkward, but they both knew they’d made some progress in piecing their friendship back together.
"You’re still upset, though," Vin finally said.
"Hell, yeah," Chris admitted. "You know me, I don’t like not knowing what’s going on."
"My fault. Buck said you’d known about him," Vin said. "But me, I already had a bounty on my head for murder. And hell, some day, I could even get pardoned for that. And the folks around here that know about it believe me. But this? Ain’t nothin’ to be pardoned from. I ain’t bein’ framed for this. This is somethin’ we’re doin’ of our own free will. I didn’t want Buck to have to worry. I didn’t want to have to run again."
Chris listened to the words again. Remembered when Vin had told him about the bounty on his head, how he’d been running from the law, from town to town, afraid to settle in one place too long. He’d wondered why Vin had stayed in Four Corners for so long. Thought that maybe it was their commitment to the town, their bargain with the Judge. Or maybe even their friendship. But now he knew that it had been Buck keeping him here. And maybe now, he even understood. Hell, it was Buck that got you through these past twelve years, even after what had happened with Sarah. Our marriage, her and Adam’s deaths… He could understand Vin’s attraction to Buck.
"You won’t have to run again, Vin. Not from here. Not from me."
+ + + + + + +
When Nathan returned with breakfast, he was pleasantly surprised to find Chris and Vin talking amicably. It made him question his earlier thoughts about the two. Maybe Chris was just havin’ a bad day. Still pissed about Vin gettin’ hurt the way he did to begin with.
Chris nodded his head and smiled at Nathan as he made his way to the door.
"Later, Vin. Nathan."
+ + + + + + +
Ezra watched with interest as JD and Buck headed down the street. It seemed to him that Buck wanted JD to go somewhere, but JD was reluctant to do so. Ezra had to smile a bit at the antics; Buck’s hands grabbing JD’s shoulders and turning him around, JD pouting and rolling his eyes. Yet this seemed different from their usual banter, he realized. While Ezra couldn’t hear what they were saying, he could see the seriousness of the situation in Buck’s eyes. He watched as JD finally nodded his head and turned toward the cafe.
+ + + + + + +
Nathan was even more confused when Buck and JD arrived at the clinic, carrying lunches, with smiles on their faces. Maybe there wasn’t anything goin’ on after all, he thought. Damn that Ezra!
"Hey, there Vin!" Buck called as he set down a tray. "Sorry I missed breakfast, but you know me, stayin’ up ‘til all hours of the mornin’, can’t expect me to be up and about before noon."
"As long as ya brought lunch, you’re forgiven," Vin replied easily.
"I brought along one of my dime novels, Vin," JD spoke up, holding the book up for Vin to see.
Vin heard the slight uneasiness in JD’s voice, saw it in his posture. He didn’t think Nathan or Buck picked up on it, but then, he was looking for it.
"Right nice of ya, JD," he said. "Gettin’ plumb bored up here with nothin’ to do."
"Sorry I couldn’t come earlier, had things to do," JD continued, shrugging his shoulders. "But I’m free this afternoon."
Vin caught the wink Buck sent him as Buck patted JD’s shoulder and realized that Buck and JD must have talked things over that morning.
"Sounds good, JD," he said.
+ + + + + + +
Ezra stopped in his tracks as he walked down the boardwalk toward the saloon. There, at the end of the street, he saw Josiah and Chris on the church steps, laughing. He continued to watch as they headed toward Nathan’s clinic. What the devil has been going on? Yesterday not one of these men would even look at each other and now they’re practically cavorting in the street! And even worse is the fact that I haven’t got the slightest clue as to what has happened! Ezra, my boy, you are seriously out of practice, having become much too comfortable in this town, he lamented.
He was startled as he felt Nathan’s strong hand on his shoulder.
"Mr. Jackson, must you do that?! You’re getting as bad as Mr. Tanner!" Ezra exclaimed.
"Sorry, Ez," Nathan chuckled. "But hell, is serves ya right for what you been puttin’ me through these past couple of days."
"Excuse me?"
"Gettin’ me to think there was somethin’ wrong between the rest of the boys," Nathan explained with a frown.
"Now, Mr. Jackson," Ezra quickly said, holding up a finger. "I do believe you were the one that mentioned Mr. Larabee, young Mr. Dunne and the Reverend Sanchez acting out of sorts, not I."
"Well you was the one that called it peculiar. You coulda just told me I was imaginin’ things."
"And would you have believed me?"
Nathan was about to say yes, when he realized that he couldn’t. He wouldn’t have believed him.
"Damn you, Ezra," he cursed instead, much to Ezra’s amusement.
"I guess we could just ask them," Ezra suggested. "Find out what deep dark secrets they’re harboring?"
Nathan thought for a moment and then listened to the laughter emanating from the clinic across the street. He shook his head then and said, "Nope. Some secrets, Ezra… some secrets are just best kept."
"Well said, my friend. Well said."
End