One Good Reason

by Giselle

Just give me one good reason, And I promise I won’t ask you anymore." - John Prine

"I came all the way out here, Chris. The least you could do is discuss it." Vin was beginning to wish he hadn’t come all the way out here. Maybe Chris needed more time. Time to think it over. Time to miss him. Yeah, right. It had only been two days. But if felt like an eternity to Vin.

An eternity since Chris had told him it was over. No arguments, it was for the best. It was over.

"There’s nothing to discuss." It sounded trite even to Chris’ ears but it was true. There was nothing to discuss. Well, nothing he wanted to discuss.

He had spent the past Sunday at the office, trying desperately to concentrate on his files. Trying not to dwell on what he knew he had to do. Trying to not relive the events of the morning before. What a disaster that had been. Finally acknowledging the uselessness of attempting to focus on anything other than his sharpshooter, he had taken off for Vin’s apartment. Best to get it over with. Vin had been expecting it. Didn’t agree with it, wasn’t signing off on it, though. Told Chris he wasn’t gonna let go so easily. Said he’d wait out Chris’ stubborn streak.

Chris had hoped not, hoped that Vin would see the wisdom of his decision. Vin hadn’t.

Vin had waited exactly two days before confronting Chris. In truth, Vin was amazed he’d held out that long.

"I can’t believe you’re just going to end it, out the blue like this." Vin hated sounding so desperate, even though that’s precisely what he was.

"It’s not exactly ‘out of the blue.’ We had a deal. If what we had ever got in the way of the team’s functioning, we’d end it. The team comes first." Chris wasn’t sure he even believed that anymore but he hoped to hell that he could convince Vin. He needed to be out of this. Didn’t he?

"JD’s embarrassed, Chris. He’ll get over it." Things were a little tense at the office but it wasn’t like the team wasn’t ‘functioning’. It was just awkward. "It’s got to be uncomfortable walking in on any two people making love. Especially two people . . .

"Two people you thought you knew?"

"He does know us! We sleep together, Chris. That’s something we do, it’s not suddenly who we are." Vin paused. He’d actually raised his voice and now he struggled to regain control of his emotions. "I meant, especially when you didn’t know those two people were intimate. Besides, he should have knocked. What kind of person walks into someone’s house without knocking?" Vin felt his annoyance flaring up again and willed himself to relax. He’d already told himself it was unfair to get mad at JD for walking in on them. He’d meant no harm. Vin had been startled, to say the least, when he opened his eyes and saw the perfect "O" of JD’s mouth staring at them from the doorway. Guess they picked the wrong day to make love on the living room floor. But he’d laughed it off, what else could you do? You could totally overreact, that’s what. Like Chris was.

"JD apparently does. And so does Buck. And . . ."

"So we’ll be more careful about locking doors. Besides, Buck knows about us. You told him yourself, cowboy. He said he needed some time to adjust and he did. Why the hysterics over this?" Vin could not bring himself to believe that Chris was serious about ending their relationship. Not over this. He couldn’t be. Something else was going on.

"Buck’s reaction didn’t affect the team." Chris said quickly. "He kept it to himself and we worked it out. This is affecting the team."

"It’s affecting JD," Vin shot back. "Since when is JD the team?"

"What about Nathan? You’re going to tell me you haven’t noticed something’s wrong with Nate?"

"Nate’s just pissed because we didn’t tell him ourselves. I swear, I think sometimes he still wants to fix me up with Rain’s sister. He’ll get over it. JD will, too. They’re our friends, Chris. I have to believe that’s more important."

Chris sighed. He knew Vin deserved more than an edict from his lover ending their relationship, little more than he would get at the office on a work related matter. Probably less even. But discussing it really was getting them nowhere.

"The team . . ." Chris began.

"Fuck the team, Chris, we’re not talking about the team." Vin gave a second’s thought to trying to get his emotions under control again, then shrugged it off. Damned if he wasn’t feeling very emotional right now.

"Yes, we are."

"You want to give up what we got because JD’s too embarrassed to look either one of us in the eye just yet? I don’t believe it. Tell me the real reason." Vin was pacing back and forth in Chris’ living room. God, why were they doing this here, of all places? ‘The scene of the crime’ Vin thought and grunted softly. They had been having such a good time until JD’us interuptus. Calm down, not JD’s fault.

"Vin, so far the tension hasn’t created any real problems. But we’re waiting on the Anderson bust. Those situations are tense enough. Somebody’s distracted on a bust, somebody gets hurt. I can’t take that chance. And I know you’re upset right now but you don’t want to take that risk, either." He tried not to sound patronizing. He thought his point was valid, that that much of it was true.

"Of course I’m upset Chris. Why can’t we just talk to JD? Reassure him, whatever. I know he still wants to work with us. Unless he put in for a transfer and you’re not telling me?" Was that it, Vin wondered? "Besides, if he told Nate, he told Ezra and Josiah. I ain’t getting any freaky vibes from them." Vin stopped pacing and exhaled loudly. "Are you?"

Chris studied him for a moment. Took in the hurt, the confusion. Reminded himself that this was for the best. For the team, yes, but for him and Vin as well. "Ezra and Josiah probably already knew. Ezra doesn’t miss a trick . . ."

"Bastard" Vin cut in, shaking his head but with a small smile on his lips.

Chris smiled, too, in spite of himself. "And Josiah is almost as bad."

Vin had also figured that the undercover agent and the big man were most likely cognizant of the true nature of his relationship with Chris. Never said anything to them and they never said a word to him. And, for some reason, he and Chris had never discussed it, compared observations. Why not? Vin now wondered.

"Well, I think that just proves my point, cowboy. They know about us, maybe weren’t all that comfortable with it. But they never said anything and it never affected the team. JD and Nathan need time is all."

"Time may not be a luxury we can afford, Vin." Chris was well aware that Vin was trying to wear him down. And a huge part of him wanted to be worn down. But he couldn’t risk it. Wouldn’t risk it. Not even for Vin. "And I have to think of the team."

"Bullshit. Tell me the real reason. Because if you’re serious about ending this, then the team really will be affected. Because I won’t be on it anymore." Vin hadn’t allowed his thoughts to wander as far as actually accepting that he and Chris were no more. But as soon as he said the words, he knew them to be true. He couldn’t go back to the way things were before. How could he? How could Chris?

Chris seemed stunned. "You’re not serious? About leaving the team?" Chris had told himself that Vin would be upset, maybe even angry. But he would cope. If anyone could cope with anything, had coped with just about everything, it was Vin. Chris sat down on the couch. He suddenly felt very tired. And he knew what Vin was going to say next, knew he wanted to be sitting. He really was a son of a bitch. Vin didn’t deserve this.

Vin let the shock register on his face. "You can’t really think I could stay. Go back to the way things were? It’s one thing getting through the day without touching you, without drooling at the sight of you, when I know I’ll be holding you soon enough. But to see you and know I can never hold you again? Have it not matter? Jesus, Chris, you’re not that naïve. Or stupid."

"You said there were others . . ." Chris wasn’t sure how to continue. Wasn’t sure he even wanted to continue.

"Others?"

"Other lovers." Chris looked away. The last thing he wanted to think about was Vin’s other lovers. "Guys you stayed friendly with after, after …"

Vin laughed out loud. "Yeah, guys I liked well enough to fuck a few times and walk away when I didn’t anymore. ‘No hard feelings, you just don’t rev my engine anymore. See ya’". Vin took a breath. "I’d say hello if I saw them on the street. And I probably could keep working with most of them, if I even worked with any of them."

"Then why can’t you do that with me?" Chris asked quietly, still not looking at his lover. No, not his lover anymore. Was that really what he wanted? Why was he doing this, really?

Vin sighed. Chris could sense rather than see his shoulders slump. For a long minute Vin said nothing. Then a throw pillow hit Chris in the face. He looked up at his friend. God, please, can’t we still be friends?

"Because I love you." ‘And you love me,’ Vin thought, but he didn’t say it. He didn’t take his eyes off Chris.

Chris stared into those beautiful blue eyes and held his breath for a moment. The day he realized that he wanted nothing more than to look into those eyes forever was the day Chris knew this would have to end. But he’d hung in there, always postponing the inevitable because he didn’t want to not have those eyes staring back at him with such tenderness. Such mischief. And such love. Still, it frightened him too much to think he could go on like that forever. Because he couldn’t. There was no such thing as forever. And now JD had given him an out. Chris wasn’t so sure he even still wanted that out, had just anticipated it for so long that he was going with it. He shook his head.

"Vin, you promised me that if it didn’t work out we could go back to the way things were before."

"I promised that before we ever slept together!" Vin exclaimed. "That was almost a year ago. Things have changed Chris, and not just for me. You know it. Why are you acting like you don’t?"

"Vin, please. This isn’t doing either of us any good."

"Tell me what’s going on," Vin pleaded.

"It’s over Vin. And I don’t think anything’s changed. I think we can go back."

Vin almost laughed out loud again at the thought. Except there was no laughter in him now. At the moment he felt like he might never laugh again. Calm down, not the time for melodrama.

"Chris, we sleep together more than we sleep apart. Have for a few months. I practically live here." Vin swept his arm across the room. "You mean to tell me you didn’t notice ‘anything’s changed’? Everything’s changed." Vin had raised his voice again. Chris was serious about dumping him. He still couldn’t believe it.

"But that was before it affected the team and …"

Vin cut him off. "Not that again. This is not about the team and you know it."

"You should go, Vin. I told you this wouldn’t get us anywhere." Chris wanted Vin to go. He wanted Vin to stay, really. Wanted him to move in, wanted him to never leave. So he wanted him to go. It was twisted and Chris knew it. He just couldn’t help it.

"Look at me, Chris." Chris did, reluctantly. "I’ll go when you tell me you don’t love me." If Chris was going to act crazy, Vin was going to fight dirty.

"It’s over, Vin," Chris sighed.

"Not what I said. Tell me you don’t love me."

Chris looked at him hard.

‘Doesn’t he know I can read him like a book,’ Vin thought? This is killing him. The only thing I can’t see is why. There was a time when Vin suspected that Chris held himself back, trapped by the memory of an almost unbearable loss. But they’d gotten past that, hadn’t they? Vin suddenly and sincerely wished they’d done a little more talking over the last year. In truth, they hadn’t had many ‘heart to hearts’. They had acted, and felt. Had he been wrong – had Chris only been acting and not feeling?

"I don’t want to sleep with you anymore, Vin." It was harsh and Chris hoped that it would be enough. It wasn’t. Vin felt an adrenaline surge, but it didn’t last long.

"Not what I said. I don’t believe you, by the way, but it’s not what I said. Tell me you don’t love me." Vin stood over Chris, crossing his arms on his chest.

"Please leave, Vin. Give some thought to staying with the team. We need you. But now you should just go." Chris got up as he spoke, gently pushing past Vin. He couldn’t do this anymore. Certainly couldn’t stand seeing Vin suffer like this even as his responsibility for that anguish sunk in. He headed towards his bedroom. With his big, lonely bed. Chris shook his head again. Thoughts like that weren’t going to help him walk away.

"I love you, cowboy." Vin spoke to Chris’ back, softly. Already resigned to leaving and not really kicking himself for appearing so pathetic. If Chris wasn’t worth getting pathetic over, nothing and no one was.

"I know, Vin." Chris spoke without turning around. "I know and I’m sorry. See you tomorrow."

Vin turned and left, fighting the two dueling urges he felt welling up inside: the one to beat the shit out of Chris, and the one to cry out his broken heart.

Finis

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