No Getting Back To Good

by Carla

SEVEN

Time truly was flying for Vin. He had spent all of his free time looking at houses with Ezra and Jason, enjoying the time he spent with the two men. The more he got to know Jason, the more he liked him. Vin was beginning to consider Jason to be a friend, not just someone looking to sell him a house.

As time went by, it was not unusual for Jason to meet Vin at the office or for the two men to go out and discuss business over dinner. The rest of the team would greet Jason warmly. That is, all except for Chris. Whenever he looked at Jason, he saw what Vin didn't. He saw that this man wanted Vin and, like the most patient of hunters, he was just waiting and watching, biding his time before he went in for the kill.

Chris was at a loss as to what to do. He wanted to get Jason and enlighten him in his unique Larabee style as to just who Vin Tanner belonged to and with but, sadly, he didn't know if he really had that right any more. Instead, he remained silent and let the jealousy and anger fester until he was nothing more than a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.

It was late Friday afternoon, close to quitting time and Vin was sitting at his desk thinking about his plans for the weekend. He had been spending a lot of time with the rest of the team, be it going out for drinks after work or some weekend plans to do various things together.

Life had changed greatly for him over these past few weeks. As his free time was given over to other people and plans, he had spent less and less time with Chris. What both terrified and thrilled him was that he was excelling with the new freedom he had. He enjoyed being out with his friends and not worrying about who was watching him. Who was waiting to catch him doing something that they considered to be wrong.

He was having fun again. He loved to hang out with Buck at the Saloon. He found it so easy to laugh when Buck would walk up to him and put his arm around his shoulder. Buck would look around the bar and take in the eyes looking in Vin's direction. "Junior, with your looks and my animal magnitism, why hell, we could have'em all. You distract the boyfriends and I'll just mend them broken hearted little ladies." Vin would just roll his eyes and shake his head, but he couldn't stop from laughing. He was enjoying himself finally and he was discovering that he liked this life he was creating.

A dark thought struck him when he thought about what his life had become. Although he didn't want to live his life without Chris, he realized that he could, that he was. His heart had finally accepted what his mind had known all along. It was over. The relationship had been suffering a slow, agonizing death and it was time to put it out of its misery.

Vin was roused from his thoughts when he heard the guys greeting Jason.

"Hey Jason. What brings you down here?"

"Vin, I just got a call on a small ranch that might interest you. We can go look at it now if you'd like."

"Yeah, sure. That would be fine."

Vin noticed that Jason seemed a bit nervous and wondered why. "Jason. Are ya okay?"

"I'm fine, Vin," the tall man assured his friend. "I hope you don't mind, but I saw this at an antique store the other day and I thought you might like it." Jason handed him a box, watching Vin closely for his reaction. Vin's eyes widened in appreciation when he saw the beautiful sculpture of a stallion that was hidden inside. The details were extraordinary. Every muscle was beautifully carved. The stance of the horse proud. Vin could swear he could see the nostrils flaring as the horse took in its breath.

"It's beautiful. I can't accept this. It's...God. It's incredible."

Jason smiled at Vin's reaction. "Please, Vin. Just think of it as a pre house-warming gift. When I saw it, well, it just had Vin Tanner written all over it. I can't think of anyone else who would be more suited to have it than you."

Vin was genuinely touched by the gesture. Grasping Jason's hand, he smiled. "Thanks, Jason."

"You're welcome."

Chris sat in his office, fists clenched as he watched Jason give Vin the box. He saw Vin's face as he inspected his gift and grasp Jason's hand in thanks. Before he could stop himself, he arose from behind his desk and swiftly moved to his office doorway. He could not take any more of this. He wanted to know just what was going on with Vin and Jason. He had to know and he was going to find out right now.

Vin was just walking out the door with Jason when he heard, "Tanner. My office. Now!"

The words were brisk and angry, causing Vin to turn around rapidly, surprised by the tone of the voice. "I'm on my way out," he stated in calm, even tones. "What do ya want?" Annoyed by Chris's tone, his own words were laced with anger.

Knowing that Vin was not going to give him the satisfaction of coming near the office after the way he had talked to him, Chris forced himself to calm down and walk over to Vin.

"I'm sorry, Vin. It's been a long day. Didn't mean to snap at you."

"Forget it," Vin said. "What do ya need?"

Chris glanced over at Jason, who was standing with Ezra, but his attention was focused solely on Chris and Vin. "Could you come out to the ranch tonight? I need to see you?"

Surprised, Vin looked at Chris, trying to read him. The ranch had been off limits to him ever since Chris had told him he had to move out. "Ah. Yeah, I guess. I can come by later."

"Thanks," Chris said in a soft voice as he reached out and gripped Vin's forearm. "See you later...Cowboy."

The stunned man looked at Chris, his heart hurting at the memories of days gone by that the term of endearment brought to him.

"Later, Cowboy." Vin sadly whispered before he turned back to his friends.

Ezra watched as Vin and Jason went out the door and Chris retreated back into his office. He had no idea what Chris has planned for Vin at the ranch but his gut told him that this was the turning point for his two friends. He would be ready to deal with the fall out. He would be ready to pick up the pieces when all was said and done.

Chris was just about to leave, when Ezra stopped in the office to say goodnight. They went to the parking lot together and went their separate ways to their cars.

Chris pulled up to the ranch. There was so much he wanted and needed to say to Vin. He lit the fireplace; he sat in front of it, avoiding the whiskey that he wanted to drink. He wanted a clear head tonight. He lost himself to the warmth of the fire and thought about what he would say to Vin. Time would pass slowly, but he would be patient and soon Vin would be here with him.

EIGHT

Chris was rapidly losing his patience as he watched the hours on the clock creep by. Finally, the glare of headlights flashed in his window. Angry now, he got up from the chair he had been sitting in all night and opened the front door for Vin. Chris didn't give him a chance to say anything. He just turned his back on him and went back in front of the fireplace, expecting Vin to follow.

Vin slowly let out his breath. He knew they needed to talk, and he didn't want them to say things in anger that they couldn't take back. Swallowing his own anger he joined Chris in the huge living room.

"Been waiting on you, Vin. Where have you been?"

"Went ta look at a place. Stopped to get something ta eat."

"Really?" Chris began to laugh, but the humor never reached his eyes. He stood in front of Vin; bore into him with accusing green eyes. "Just how long does it take to get an apartment these days?"

"Chris, I...Let me explain."

Chris ignored him. Sarcasm and spitefulness infused in every word. "Really, Vin. I just can't figure out how someone who lived most of his life in a dump like Purgatorio, hell, sometimes in the streets of Purgatorio, all of a sudden got so damn picky about where he was gonna sleep at night."

Edged on by jealousy, Chris couldn't stop himself. The words were mean and hurtful and he was getting a perverse pleasure out of the pain he was inflicting. Chris was falling into his old persona. He was falling back to being the man who lost everything that mattered and decided to never care again. He was showing Vin the side of himself that only Buck Wilmington had seen up close and personal. He wanted to hurt Vin, wanted to make him suffer as he was once again. Chris knew he did just that. Knew from watching the body go from relaxed to rigid. He knew by looking at the face. He saw Vin biting his lip, battling with himself to keep from striking back. He saw the hurt in the eyes, the hurt he had once again put there.

"So. Tell me, Vin. Sick of slumming? Looking to move on up? Just can't see why your new friend can't find a fucking apartment in all of Denver."

"Jason ain't trying to find me an apartment, he's..."

He never finished. He saw Chris coming at him in a rage, but he was so stunned by the sight that he couldn't move.

Chris grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. "I knew it. Knew you couldn't be that naive. Knew you had to see how he looked at you, wanted you. So, you showing good ole Jason what a good fuck you are? You getting on your knees for him Vin?"

"Stop it, Chris. Please, just stop and listen to me."

"You fucking cheating bastard. Decided to give me some payback, right?"

Still clutching the collar of Vin's shirt, he slightly pushed him to put a small space between them. He raised his fist, ready to exact some payment, when in a moment of clarity he looked into Vin's eyes.

The realization that Vin had made no move to defend himself made Chris hesitate. His lack of reaction to Chris' threatening stance caused the angry man to stop and really see what was going on. He took a deep breath when he saw the truth reflected in the stormy blue eyes that looked at him straight on. The eye's said it all, as they always did. He saw them go wide with surprise and confusion, then he saw the change. He watched as anger at the accusation flashed briefly, before acceptance and sadness replaced it. Chris knew then that the only cheating bastard in the room was himself.

"God. Vin. I...I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am."

Hearing Chris' voice, so shaky and soft, full of unspoken remorse, Vin was overcome with the need to give comfort to the man who meant so much to him. Shrugging off his own feelings, he went to Chris and wrapped his arms around him. Hugging him and holding him tightly against him, willing all the words and all the hurts to go away.

"Chris. There ain't a thing going on between Jason and me."

"You don't have to explain, Vin."

"Yeah, I do. It's taking so long to find a place because I'm not looking for an apartment anymore. I'm looking to buy a place. I'm looking for a...for a home."

"Buy a house?" He looked at Vin in confusion. "That's crazy, Vin. You don't need to buy a house. I mean what's the point of doing that? This is still your place. You'll be able to come home soon."

The sad smile on Vin's face nearly broke Chris's heart. "No, Chris. There isn't a place for me here anymore. We both know that."

Chris's heart was pounding. He felt the unbearable pain in his soul caused by what he knew was coming to pass.

"Don't say it, Vin. Please don't say it."

Almost giving in to the anguished whisper, Vin steeled himself against his own heartbreak. He had to do this tonight. He had to let go of what was and move on. He just needed to find the courage to say the words.

"I can't do this anymore, Chris. I just can't go on like this anymore."

"I'll fix this, Vin. I'll find a way. I promise you."

It was a promise made out of desperation. Vin knew this; as sure as he knew that he wouldn't let himself grab at the lifeline that promise offered.

"Can't be fixed, Chris. Mary ain't gonna let Hope anywhere near where I am. I told ya when I first came back here that I won't be the cause of ya losing your daughter. You're a good man, Chris. Hope deserves to know ya, to be in your life and have you in hers."

"Don't let Mary come between us."

"I didn't, Chris. You did."

Vin was beginning to feel the walls closing in on him. He was about ready to bolt out the door when he felt Chris's arms tighten around his waist.

"Stay with me tonight. Let me love you. Please."

Closing his eyes, the want and the need overcame Vin's common sense. He couldn't say no. He wanted to be with his love. He wanted to feel the power of his friend and lover, his soul mate, one last time.

They pulled away from the tight grasp they had on one another and smiled at each other tenderly. With their fingers entwined, the two lovers followed their hearts into the bedroom for a night that over time would become a bittersweet memory for them both.

NINE

Neither man had any misgivings as they went into the bedroom. Just for a while, they left all their doubts, heartaches and problems behind. Stripped of all the complicated events that had slowly chipped away at the strong foundation of their relationship, living just for the moment, without thoughts of what tomorrow would bring, they began to undress each other.

They stood naked in the room where they had spent so many passionate nights in each others arms. Nights that gave way to more passion in the morning, as they would linger in bed only to love each other again.

They stood now, eyes intently devouring every inch of each other's bodies taking in every detail, every scar, and every muscle. Both locking the memories away in a safe place in their hearts, a place where no one could ever destroy them, a place they could always go to when they needed to remember, a place where they would always be together.

Feeling a shaking hand running along his cheek, Vin covered it with his own. He looked at the handsome face before him, seeing the warmth and love that the green eyes always had for him. He smiled at the invitation reflected in them, knowing that they mirrored his own.

Vin pulled Chris close to him, gently lifting his face. He brought his lips to Chris' and slowly kissed him. He lingered there, savoring the feel and the taste. Hearing the soft moan, and feeling Chris' answering kiss, Vin captured the lips with his own, kissing harder and deeper, his tongue finding its way to wrap around Chris'. Slow and gentle gave way to power and passion, the kisses becoming urgent. Both men caught up in the need to answer the primitive call that would not be denied.

Breaking away, Chris ran his hands all over Vin's body. He gently caressed the muscles and contours of the man in front of him. His hands were wandering all over Vin's chest. Encouraged by the soft moans, Chris pinched and kissed Vin's nipples. Taking his hands away, he smiled at the vocal protest. Looking into the blue eyes and seeing the want in them, Chris began to kiss him. Slowly, he kissed his way from Vin's mouth to his chest, following a path down to his stomach.

The kisses were slow and sensual, causing Vin to shiver as Chris made his way lower and lower. Vin's cock was so hard and so wanting that he thought he would die right then and there if Chris didn't touch him. Just when he reached the end of his endurance, Chris wrapped his hand around Vin's cock and began to gently stroke it. Seeing that Vin was lost in the sensations coursing through him, Chris took advantage and pushed him down onto the bed.

He pulled the Texan by his legs until his ass was at edge of the bed, bending his knees and planting Vin's feet on the edge before he gently pushed his legs further apart, as wide as he could without hurting him. The blonde knelt between the spread legs and once again took Vin into his mouth.

Vin was lost in a wave of pleasure. His breathing was deep and fast. His voice husky with desire.

"Chris!..Please!...Ahhh!"

Slowing the pace down, Chris once again took his mouth away from Vin, but he quickly used his hands to continue the torment.

"Like that, Cowboy? Want some more?"

"Chris." He opened his eyes when he felt Chris's fingers trace his lips. Slowly Chris slipped his finger into Vin's mouth, pulling it in and out, keeping in rhythm with the strokes of his hand on Vin's cock.

Smiling he took his fingers from Vin's mouth and he once again knelt between his lover's legs. His tongue now making its way up and down Vin's shaft, and then licking the balls that were cupped in his hands. He was driving Vin mad. He knew the man was on the edge and now he was going to send him over.

"Please, Chris! I can't...I...I...oh God!" Chris smiled as he watched Vin's eyes open wide and he heard the gasp Vin let out as he pushed his finger into Vin's opening, while continuing to suck on him. When he felt Vin push back, Chris began to thrust his finger in and out, while sucking on Vin's cock harder and harder.

"Chrisssss...so good! Ahhhhhh! Yes!" Vin could not control himself. He felt himself explode into Chris's mouth as Chris found that magical spot inside of him. Breathing hard, he closed his eyes and enjoyed the feel of his lover drinking in his juices.

Chris sat on the bed, looking at Vin, his own rock hard cock demanding attention. God, how he loved this man, and how he wanted him as he had never wanted any other.

"Vin."

The soft husky voice immediately grabbed Vin's attention. His whole body once again beginning to come alive at the sound of it.

"Something on your mind, Cowboy?" Vin's voice teasing, but his body was ready to do whatever Chris asked of it.

Listening to that voice and seeing the playful look in the eyes, Chris wondered, not for the first time, how it was possible to want to kill and love him at the same time.

An overwhelming need to possess the man looking up at him from the bed came upon Chris.

"Vin. I want to be inside you. I need to be inside you."

Flashing a smile, his own desire to feel Chris inside him becoming unbearable, Vin reached into the draw in the nightstand, grabbing on to the oil that he knew would still be there, as it always was. He handed it to Chris.

As Chris used the oil to grease his cock, he watched Vin lie on his stomach and stretch out his body with cat-like grace. He licked his lips at the sight of that body laid out before him.

"Beautiful, Vin. You're just so damned beautiful."

Vin looked back at Chris, just for a second, answering him with a slight grin and eyes that glistened with want.

Chris' heart clenched. Would this be the last time he made love to Vin? He shrugged the disturbing thought to the back of his mind, wanting only to concentrate on the moment at hand.

Again, Chris grabbed Vin by the legs and pulled him off the bed, until his feet were firmly on the floor. He bent the upper part of Vin's body over the bed and used his own leg to quickly push Vin's apart. Once again, the need to totally possess Vin came over him. He poured the oil onto Vin's ass, spreading the cheeks, watching mesmerized as it slowly flowed, causing the opening to glisten. Chris worked the oil inside with his fingers, anticipation making him hard and hungry.

Gently he pushed the head of his cock inside of Vin. Feeling Vin tense up, he waited a few seconds. When he felt him relax he gently pushed himself inside further, filling his love completely. He began to thrust, slowly at first, taking his time, relishing the feel of this man. Running his hands over Vin's back, he could not stop the ache from spreading in his heart. He placed his hands on each side of Vin's hips, holding him as tight as he possibly could. His thrusts becoming harder and going deeper and deeper inside of Vin.

Chris was aware of Vin moaning. He didn't know if it was out of pleasure or maybe he was hurting him. Beyond rational thinking, Chris held on to Vin even tighter. He held on for dear life because, in his heart, he knew that he was trying to hold on to something that was already lost to him. For this one moment Chris loved Vin with abandon. For this brief moment in time, he would lay claim to one Vin Tanner. As he reached his climax, yelling out Vin's name, he knew that this man belonged to him heart, soul, mind and body, at least for a while longer.

"I love you, Vin."

"I love you too, Chris."

They lay quietly on the bed, the silence stretching between them. Reaching over, Chris wrapped his arm around Vin and pulled the man flush to his overheated skin. Their kiss was soft and sweet as both sets of eyes fought against sleep. Exhausted, the two men were content to fall asleep in each other's arms.

Early morning light filtered through the windows casting shadows and light throughout the room. Vin gradually made his way from sleep to awareness and when he opened his eyes, he found himself curled up on his side, his arm resting across Chris' chest with Chris' hand on top of his own.

He didn't move a muscle. He stayed completely still, content to just watch Chris sleep. He listened to the deep, steady breath and found that his own heart was beating in time with the one below his hand. Studying the handsome face that was turned towards his, Vin thought about the past night.

Their lovemaking meant something different to both men. Vin knew from the slight soreness that he felt, that during the times when Chris held onto him so tightly and thrust into him hard and fast that for Chris, the night was about holding on. It was about denying what he knew he would wake up to and like a drowning man desperately holding on to what had always kept his head above the churning, deep water, he was trying to hold on to Vin.

Vin quietly rose from the bed, made his way to the bathroom and took a quick shower. He threw his clothes from the night before back on and went over and sat on the edge of the bed. His thoughts turned once more to the previous night. It had been so long since the two of them loved each other in the way they did last night.

It was a night that was full of everything that made their relationship the fiery, passionate, soul-consuming affair of the heart that is was. Need, want, love, sadness even a little bit of anger all combining to make it a night they would always remember.

If he was right, and last night was all about holding on for Chris, then for himself it was all about saying goodbye. He wanted to be with Chris last night, as much as he ever wanted anything in his life. He needed to be with him. Needed to be as close as two people could possibly be. Last night was not about two lovers taking a chance and starting over again, making a new beginning. No. It was about two lovers, soul mates still, finding something to hold on to, something to get them through the ending of their life together. It was all about goodbye.

Vin continued to watch Chris as he continued to sleep. God, he could look at him forever and never grow tired of the sight. He pulled himself away and stood up. Taking one last look at his lover, he bent over and lightly kissed his swollen lips.

"Goodbye, Cowboy," he said softly, as he started to walk out of the room.

It was barely a whisper, but to Chris, it was the loudest, most painful sound he had ever heard. He opened his eyes and watched as Vin walked to the bedroom door.

"Don't leave me, Vin."

TEN

He stood at the bedroom door with the battle raging in him between his heart and his mind. He bowed his head and let out a long sigh. He fought with himself not to turn around and go back to the bed that they had shared. No, he couldn't offer comfort now. It was time for this to end. He knew this.

He turned to look at the man who was the other half of his soul. His heart aching at the loss and heartbreak turning the green eyes into liquid pools. He would give everything he ever had or would ever have to spare this man the pain of what was to come, but he couldn't.

He loved Chris with all he had inside of him, would always want to love him, but fate had other plans. He realized now that fate controlled the game of life that they had been playing. One thing that Vin Tanner knew with complete certainty was that fate didn't play fair. Fate cheated. Now, the game was over, and there was nothing left to do but pick up the pieces and move on.

"Chris. I'm gonna wait for ya downstairs. I'll put some coffee on. We gotta talk."

"I know." The words spoken softly, barely a whisper. "I'll be down in a few minutes."

Vin put the coffee on and took a couple of deep breaths, trying to prepare his bleeding heart for the upcoming talk. He had no desire to eat and he doubted that Chris would either. He heard Chris moving around in the bedroom and then he heard the shower running. When the water stopped, he went to the kitchen and poured them both some coffee. Carrying the steaming mugs back to the living room, he sat in the rocker and waited for Chris to join him.

Vin felt the presence as soon as he came into the room. There were so many things he wanted to say to Chris. And yet, he sat in silence, unable to find the words.

"Vin, I know you think you have to leave, but, you don't. We love each other. Don't leave me, Vin. I can't believe that you want to go."

"Want?" The raspy voice even softer than usual, the question in the tone obvious. "I never wanted things to come to this."

"Then don't leave. Stay with me. Isn't that what you really want?"

"What I want...What I've been wishing for...was for things to be the way they use to be with us. When we were happy and we were living our lives the way we wanted. Ya know what I mean? I wished... wanted more than anything else, for everything to be like it was back when everything was...good between us.

"Vin. Don't you see? It can be like that again. We just have to hold on a bit longer."

Chris knew he was pleading. He didn't care, all he cared about was not losing Vin. He was about to continue to plead his case, when he noticed the small, sad smile that was playing on Vin's lips. Chris looked at him, his eyes questioning.

"We can have what we both want, Vin."

"Wanting and wishing, ain't never gotten me anything but disappointed Chris, and this is turning out to be no different."

Feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders, Vin searched his heart to find the words that would make Chris understand. The words that would help him to accept the ending of it all.

"I wanted things to be the way they were Chris, but then I realized something. It finally dawned on me. Things would never be the same again, cause this isn't about just you and me any more. You have a child to consider now. I guess I finally understand that it was really over for us the minute that you went to Mary's bed. You created a life, Chris. You and Mary will always be tied to each other. This relationship isn't big enough for all of us. There's just no going back."

Helpless to change the inevitable, Chris's voice echoed the resignation that was beginning to overcome him.

"I can't even find the words to make you understand how much I regret that night with Mary. One fucking mistake, one mistake that destroyed everything. But, Vin, I can't say that if I could, I would go back and do things differently. I do regret that it happened, but I could never regret the child that came of it. I love Hope and I would never change having her in my life, regardless of how she got here."

"I know that, Chris. I even understand it, and that's why I have to do this. I love you too much to ever force you to chose between your kid and me. You just can't win, either way; you lose someone that you love. So I'm gonna make it easy for you. I'm saying goodbye."

"Vin...please."

"I need you to listen to me, Chris...Please try and understand."

Chris nodded his head for Vin to continue.

"You know what it was like for me as a kid. I was passed around from place ta place. Pushed around and worse by people who were bigger and stronger than I was. There was always some bastard who fucked around with my life because I had no control over where I was sent or who I was sent to. No one gave a shit about me. I had no one to step up for me.

I couldn't take it anymore, so I finally took control. I ran. Ended up on the streets. Doing things to survive that..." A shudder went through his body, his voice cracking a bit, as he spoke of one of the most painful times of his life. He cleared his throat and looking directly into Chris' eyes, said, "Doing things, that to this day, make me so sick that sometimes I can't even look at myself in the mirror. But I did what I had to do. I took control of my life and I made something out of myself. "

"Yes, you did, Vin." His pride in his friend evident in Chris's voice.

" I love you so much, Chris, but I can't stay with you and try to build a future with you, when someone else has so much power over you and is deciding for you how you should or shouldn't live your life. I can't live with someone having so much power over us."

"What are you talking about, Vin?"

"Let's face it, Chris. As long as Mary can use the threat of keeping your daughter from you, well, guess she's calling all the shots. And I've come way too far ta let anyone, especially someone like Mary Travis, have that kind of control over my life ever again."

"Shit. It always keeps coming back to Mary. Sooner or later, she's gonna accept the fact that I don't have any deep hidden feelings for her. She knows I don't love her. I've never loved her. God, Vin. I'm just asking you to leave things as they are until she understands. At least we would still have some kind of a life together. That's not asking too much. Is it?"

"Sorry, Chris, but yeah, that is asking too much. Would you have ever let Sarah settle for so little of yourself?"

Angry for a moment with Vin for bringing Sarah into this, Chris quickly got the point Vin was trying to make and said "No. I wouldn't."

"I'm not some lost little boy anymore, so desperate for someone, anyone, to show me some affection. So, desperate for someone to love me that I'll settle for any bits and pieces that you'll give me. I want...I deserve more than that, Chris. Hell, I've earned it."

Chris stood silent, acknowledging the truth of Vins words but at a loss as to what he could say to make any of this easier for either of them.

"I know you love me, I've never doubted that. But love isn't enough. You can't give me what I need, you can't give me all of yourself, so I'm asking ya, for my sake, let me go. Maybe we can find a way to be the friends to each other that we once were. I don't need a lot of things Chris, but I need my best friend."

Chris could find no argument. Vin was right. "You deserve so much better. I'm so sorry for all of this, for causing the both of us all this pain. I never should have dragged you back into this mess. I...All I've ever wanted to do was love you. I never meant to hurt you."

The sadness and regret in Chris' voice reached into Vin's heart. He got up from the chair and went to Chris, hugged him and looked deep into the green eyes.

"In spite of all that's been happening with us, I don't regret one minute of the time that I spent loving you and being loved by you."

Vin stepped away from Chris. He let his gaze travel around the room, until his eyes met Chris'.

"You gave me so much Chris. Living here with you was the happiest time of my life. I never knew what it was like to live in a home where I was there because I was wanted. This was the first real home that I've ever known. You gave that to me. I'll always love ya for that."

Shaking his head, his voice breaking, Chris looked at Vin and answered him, his voice thick with sadness and shame. "I gave it to you and then I took it away from you. How can you ever forgive me for that?"

He made his way over to Chris again. Placing his hands on Chris' face, he gently brushed away the tears that were silently falling from the tortured green eyes.

"There's nothing to forgive." He flashed a smile so warm; blue eyes bright his feelings clear. He grabbed his jacket and started to head for the door. Just before he opened it he turned back to Chris. "No matter what happens to me, no matter where I go and what I do. I'll always know that there's someone out there who loves me. Because of you, I know what it feels like to know someone cares about me, that I...matter. That means more to me than you'll ever know. I'll carry that with me in my heart until the day I take my last breath."

Chris went to the door with Vin. He reached his hand up to Vin's face and traced the fine features, one last time. The Texan gently pulled Chris to him; he held the handsome face in his hands and leaned in catching the lips and kissing him. The kiss was tender, and long, giving both men one last time to lose themselves in a moment of their past.

Vin pulled away first.

"Good bye, Cowboy."

They grasped forearms. No longer lovers, but forever soul mates.

"I love you, Vin."

"Love ya, too, Chris."

Vin closed the door behind him softly but firmly. He didn't look back as he made his way to his jeep.

For a few moments, Chris stared at the closed door. Vin's words echoing in his head. Amazed at finally realizing how much the things he shared with Vin meant to the younger man. Simple things like a home, having people who cared about you, things Chris had been blessed with all his life, were so treasured by Vin. Chris was humbled. He would never take such things for granted again.

A steely resolved began to chip away at the numbness that encased his heart. He knew what he had to do. It saddened Chris that it took the sight of watching Vin walk out of that door and out of his life, to resurrect the fight and spirit of Chris Larabee.

He wanted Vin back in his life for good. He knew that he had to be fair to him. He wouldn't try to win him back until he got things settled. He would go to Vin when all the problems and issues that slowly destroyed them were laid to rest. Damn it, he was Chris Larabee. He did not take shit from anyone and as of now that included Mary Travis.

He knew that Mary would be on her way to the ranch. Ever since Vin had moved out, she had allowed Hope to stay with Chris on Saturdays. He was determined to let Mary know that he was done bowing to what she wanted.
If she wanted a fight, then a fight is what she would get. If his current lawyer didn't have the talent or the grit to fight with him, then he sure as hell would find one that did.

He went over to the front window and watched Vin's jeep heading down the driveway. He smiled when he saw Vin pull over and stop at the coral. He knew Vin was out there, taking a moment to see Peso.

"Okay, Cowboy. I'll give you some space, but this ain't over. This ain't over by a long shot."

He felt the first inkling of hope stirring inside of him. Chris Larabee was back, and it felt so damn good.

ELEVEN

As Vin was driving away from the ranch, he spotted Peso loping around the coral. Loving the horse as he did, he couldn't resist pulling over and getting out to give him some of the treats that he always carried in his pocket for him. Finding comfort in stroking the face of the horse, he lingered there, unable to tear himself away just yet.

Vin's moment of peace was abruptly shattered when a car quickly pulled over next to his and jammed on its breaks. Watching the driver get out of the car, he shook his head. Just what I fuckin' needed. Queen of the Bitches.

Mary shut the door of the car, her stride quick and with purpose; she made her way over to Vin.

He could see Billy Travis sitting in the front seat of the car, and he figured Hope was in the car with him.

Eyes spitting fire at him, Mary twisted her mouth into a sneer, "Vin."

Refusing to let her get to him, he smiled at her, "Mrs. Travis."

Mary was infuriated. It was bad enough that he was here at the ranch, but she hated that he didn't seem worried that she caught him here. "My goodness, Vin, but you are a glutton for punishment, aren't you?" Why don't you just give it up, accept the fact that Chris doesn't want you here. In fact he just doesn't want you at all."

"Is that so?" He drawled.

Mary was taken aback by his attitude. Her insides were churning, a nervous chill running up and down her spine. Anger was radiating out of her, and yet, he stood there, so calm and at ease, looking for all the world like someone without a care or worry. She looked directly into his eyes, suddenly feeling very ill at ease at the look she saw there. He was confident, almost smug, and she did not like it in the least.

"What are you doing here? After all, Chris did break it off with you."

Smiling and admittedly enjoying throwing Mary off balance, he answered her honestly, "I'm here cause Chris asked me ta be here."

"Chris asked you? So of course, you just come running. Well, it won't work, Vin. You can be at his beck and call all that you want. You can follow him around like a little puppy, but he won't choose you over us. He won't risk losing his daughter for the likes of you. Really, Vin. I always thought you had more pride than this. I'm almost embarrassed for you."

He forced down the anger, he was not going to resort to name calling with her. Instead, he focused on what she said and decided to call her on it.

"The likes of me?" He looked at her, confusion in his eyes. "Why'd ya do it, Mary? What did I ever do ta make ya hate me so much?" He couldn't help the hurt that escaped from his voice. Once upon a time, he had considered her to be a friend and now he really did want to know why she had turned on him so viciously.

"Hate you? I don't hate you. Poor Vin. You really don't know do you?"

Shaking his head, he said, "No."

She stood in front of him, her eyes softening as she looked at his face. "Look at you, Vin. It's so easy to understand why anyone would fall in love with you. This handsome face, the long hair, your kind heart, and those eyes, those unbelievable eyes. How could anyone resist? And you are so unaware of it all. You're a beautiful man, Vin, but you ARE a man, and Chris is just confusing friendship with love."

Realization hit him with the force of a sucker punch. "Oh my god. That's what this has all been about? This was never about Chris not wanting you. You wouldn't have cared if he chose someone else, instead of you, as long as it was a woman? You're causing all this trouble, because he wants me, wants a man, over you? This is all because your ego can't take losing him to a man?"

"He's confused, Vin. He doesn't know what he wants."

Shaking his head, he looked at her in disbelief. "Ya know, through all of this, I actually thought I understood why you were trying so hard to come between me and Chris. Loving him the way I do, I could see why you would do all the things you did, just to keep him in your life. I knew that I was willing to do anything to keep him in mine."

"He's the father of my child. I love him, Vin. I have since the moment I met him."

He stared straight into her eyes and let out a small bitter laugh. "You love him?"

"Of course I do...he's,"

"No, you don't." Vin cut her off. "That's the big difference between me and you. See, me, I love, have always loved Chris for who and what he is. You, you don't love the man at all. It's not Chris Larabee that you want. It's the image of the man that you think Chris should be that you want. The Chris Larabee that you love doesn't even exist."

"You...You're wrong, Vin." Even Mary couldn't ignore the lack of conviction in her voice.

"Ya had no right. Chris never thought of you as anything but a friend. We were together, building a life, a future. You never had any claim on him. Who the hell do you think you are deciding that you know what Chris wants more than he does?"

Finding courage in her anger, Mary's voice was brimming with venom. "That's right, Vin. I do know a little something about what Chris wants. I knew how badly he wanted to be a father. Even you can't deny how much Chris wanted to have more children. Well, sorry to break it to you, but you can't give him the family that he wants. I can do that, I did do that, and when he comes to his senses, I will give him more children."

"Hell, Mary, I almost feel sorry for you. If all Chris wanted out of a relationship was someone to give him kids, then I guess he really wouldn't need you. I mean, I'm sure there are a lot of woman who would be willing to make babies with Chris. Nah, he really wouldn't need you at all."

Rapidly losing her composure, Mary's raised voice trembled, "I don't care what you say. Once you're out of the picture, Chris will turn to me. I am the mother of his child. I'm the winner here, Vin."

"Ya really think so, Mary? When I left Denver the first time, I was gone for a year. I didn't speak at all to Chris during that whole time. He had no idea where I was or if I was ever coming back here. He didn't want you then. He doesn't want you now."

"That's your opinion Vin. I don't care what you think. Like I said, I am the winner in all of this. You just won't accept that."

Mary caught the look in Vin's eyes. She didn't see hatred there, what she saw was worse, much worse. There was pity in the deep blues. She wished she had seen hate there instead.

"You wanted to come between me and Chris. You wanted to destroy our relationship, break us up. Well, congratulations, you did it. You may have separated us, but ya can't stop us from still loving each other. We're still in love; you can't change that, Mary. So, really what did you win? You were selfish, ya only thought about what you wanted. God, Mary, you're willing to deny the man any part in his daughter's life, if he doesn't do what you want. That's supposed to be love? You didn't win anything. All you did was ruin all of our lives. No one wins here, Mary. We all lose. Stop being a self-righteous bitch and think about it."

"Well, I guess we'll just see about all that, won't we. You'll be out of Chris' life, and I'll be the one who is by his side. The wife that he needs, and the mother of his children. Face it Vin, you just can't compete with that."

"Okay, you win. Maybe Chris will decide to give it a go with you; maybe he'll do everything he can to make it work. Even if he does, he'll never truly belong to you, he won't really love you, never be in love with you. Because there's one thing that you can't do for Chris, one thing you can't be for him."

"Really, and what would that be, Vin?"

"You can't be me."

With his words hanging in the air, he looked at her. There was no hate or contempt in his eyes, only the truth. Vin felt lightness in his soul. He had said his piece and was no longer burdened with things left unsaid. He walked past Mary, leaving her speechless, seeing her shoulders slump when she could no longer deny the truth. A grin began to play on his lips as he jumped into his jeep and drove away.

Vin didn't know what the future would bring. He didn't know if he would someday be back here with Chris, living the life that he once thought he was destined to share with the man. No, he didn't know what would happen and strangely, the uncertainty didn't bother him. He would deal with what ever came his way, and he would meet with the future on his own terms. Feeling incredibly light and free, he glanced up at the sky and issued a challenge.

"Fate, you bitch, bring it on..."

The End????

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