Disclaimer: I don’t own the guys unless you are planning to clone them then I would buy them. This is a work of fiction based on the television series The Magnificent Seven. No copyright infringement is intended.
Thanks to Mog in creating this AU.
Beta by Libby (mmrrph) Thank you. This is dedicated to the weekly chats at communityzero magnificent7 challenge (milti!!) I decided to include the weekly chat words: Spin me Patrick! sweek and og
Please be kind in feedback.
"How in the hell do I get in these situations?" Vin wondered aloud, banging his head against the brick wall. "You know what’s going to happen don’t you? Don’t you? Somehow the rest of the guys are going to find out about this and I’m never going to live it down," Vin mused.
His companion said nothing, just cocked his head to the side as if to say ‘whatever buddy.’ Of course, his companion being a small brown fox squirrel may have something to do with the silence. The squirrel sat a few feet away from him on the ledge of Vin’s apartment building. The same ledge Vin now found himself on.
"You no good, dirty, overgrown, fluffy tailed rat - you got me in this mess. How are you going to get me out of it?" The squirrel jumped back a few more feet as Vin tried to grab its tail. The said tail flicked back at Vin in what could only be described as a mocking gesture. Vin swore that the squirrel was laughing at him.
Vin thought back as how this little tale of woe all started a few hours earlier that day. The team had busted a well-known weapons dealer that morning. In return for a successful bust without injuries, Travis gave the team an early start to the weekend. The team decided on a quick lunch (well, relatively quick lunch; it took a half hour to decide where to go…but that another story) before heading off in separate directions. They were planning to meet back up at the ranch tonight to spend the rest of the weekend together. Midway during lunch Ezra accidentally let it slip that today was his birthday. Therefore, in honor of Ezra’s good work and devotion to the team it was decided by the rest of the team to cancel their afternoon plans and celebrate his birthday in proper fashion.
They got Ezra drunk.
It started, strange as it seemed, as Nathan’s idea. It was to be done in the name of science to see exactly how much alcohol it would take to cause the undercover agent to lose his cool and cultured exterior. In other words, to get him drunk as a skunk, as loopy as a loon, as smashed as a college freshmen at a frat house kegger.
Vin had to chuckle at the memory of Ezra trying to get in Josiah’s Suburban, all the while spinning around in a circle yelling "Spin me, Patrick, spin me!" No one had a clue who was Patrick and why he was spinning Ezra. They were too afraid to ask. Vin just thanked the powers that be that JD remembered to bring his new favorite toy to lunch. The Kid was in love with his high-powered digital camera. Ezra would pay dearly to keep the photos of him in his drunken mess off of JD’s website.
Vin used Ezra’s distracted state to steal a couple Cadbury’s chocolate crème eggs from the gift box that Maude sent from London. The box was a treasure-trove of goodies with chocolates, candies, and what ever else Maude must think were essential supplies. Maude must not know Ezra well, Vin thought. Who would use Lush bath bombs or peppermint foot lotion?
When the impromptu had party broken up, Vin drove his old jeep back to his apartment in Purgatorio. When he entered his kitchen, he set the chocolate covered crème eggs down on the countertop. He opened the window in the kitchen to catch the slight breeze of Denver’s springtime. He placed a few sunflower seeds down on the windowsill for the squirrel that came by on a regular bases. When the squirrel started to show up over the winter months, Vin had taken pity on the poor thing. The confused little guy was several blocks from the closest park and its supply of nuts. Vin had gotten in the habit of leaving a few seeds and the occasional nut on the outside windowsill.
Vin walked from the kitchen to go into the bedroom to get ready. Chris would be picking him up in hour to take him to the ranch for the weekend. Vin wanted to get in a shower and pack a bag before Chris was there from picking up a few groceries. Vin quickly packed his bag, eyeing the window every so often in hopes to catch a glimpse of his furry friend. He finished his packing and moved to the bathroom for his shower.
After turning off the shower Vin stepped out of the tub. He grabbed a dark blue towel from a hook on the door. After drying off, he wrapped the towel around his waist and decided to make a quick run into the kitchen to pick up his chocolate eggs before he forgot to pack them. Chris said that he was going to get a few snacks but Vin wanted to make sure he had enough. Vin walked into the kitchen and was greeted with the sight of one of his eggs on the floor in a gooey mess. The second one was almost completely chewed though, the brightly colored foil wrapping littering the floor in a thousand pieces. The culprit sat on the countertop flicking his fuzzy tail in annoyance at being interrupted mid-snack.
"What the Hell?" Vin yelled, causing the squirrel to hop up on his two hind legs and stuff the last egg in its mouth. The demented squirrel looked like a patient after oral surgery with his puffy cheeks. Sensing that it might have out-stayed his welcome, the squirrel quickly jumped though the open window to the small ledge that wrapped around the building.
"Oh no you don’t! Get back here you overgrown rat. I didn’t steal that egg from Ez so you could steal it from me." Vin ducked his head under the window. He could see the animal was now sitting a few feet away with the egg at his feet. The squirrel had a wicked gleam in his eyes. Vin calmly tried to reason with the squirrel in the hopes he would abandon the egg. The squirrel just watched as Vin slowly climbed out of the window on the narrow ledge. As soon as Vin was hunched over on his hands and knees, the squirrel turned around and started to roll the egg farther away from him.
"Huh, I never saw a squirrel play soccer with an egg before. Damn." Vin was moving past his bedroom window when he thought to himself, "I should really think about washing these windows. They’re pretty grimy."
The squirrel quickly scurried away when Vin started to talk to himself. It suddenly hit Vin that he was now outside of the building between two windows, kneeling on a fourth floor ledge wearing nothing more that 24X48 inch bath towel.
"Maybe I should have thought this through a little more before I put the plan into action." He tried to turn around to move back to the open window but the towel kept getting trapped underneath his knees. He had to hustle to keep the towel from being pulled off and exposing his butt to the greater Denver area. He decided to stop where he was at for the moment to think through what to do next. Both windows on either side of him were several feet away and closed. To his left was his bedroom window and to his right was Mrs. Stamos’ kitchen window.
"How in the hell do I get in these situations?" Vin wondered aloud, banging his head against the brick wall. "You know what’s going to happen don’t you? Don’t you? Somehow the rest of the guys are going to find out about this and I’m never going to live it down," Vin mused.
Speaking of the devils…. Just then, a truck pulled up to the building right under Vin’s position. Vin watched as Buck and JD got out of the vehicle. Vin could hear the discussion on who was going to up the four flights of stairs to get Vin. Vin tried to melt back into the wall but it did no good. He was spotted.
"Hey, isn’t that Vin on the ledge?" JD asked, pointing up to where Vin kneeling.
"No way that’s Vin. Why would he be sitting on a ledge in a towel?" Buck looked up. " OH MAN. That is Vin. Vin, don’t jump. It will ruin the paint job on the truck."
"Don’t worry about that, Buck, I wasn’t planning to. You would think if I was going to jump I might put a pair of pants on first. What are you two doing here? I thought we were going to meet at the ranch." Vin yelled down.
"Weren’t we supposed to pick you up?" JD asked, not quite believing his eyes. There had to be a good explanation for this one.
"No, sorry – Chris was going to give me a ride. He was being a mother hen about the jeep again, fearing it will break down or something. That jeep’s going to outlive all of us." Vin replied. Of all the times Buck and JD had to get mixed up why did it have to be today? Just then, a second vehicle pulled up to the building. Vin groaned when he saw Nathan and Josiah get out. He might as well get comfortable. Things were looking like he might be here for a while.
"That it! Vin and Chris can ride with Ezra. He’s driving me crazy with his singing; hell it isn’t really singing, just repeating one word over and over and over. ‘Og og og og.’ Oh great, now I’m doing it. Who’s bright idea was it to get him drunk in the first place?" Nathan asked, walking over where Buck and JD stood slack-jawed staring up at Vin.
"Yours!" the group answered together.
"Hmmm, O.K. Next time, don’t listen to me. Why is Vin sitting on a ledge? I mean, I know the group can be a little stressful, but I had money on Chris on being the first to jump off a ledge, not Vin." Nathan looked up.
"Brother Vin, whatever problem you have, suicide is not the answer," Josiah yelled out. "JD, maybe you should move the Suburban. It doesn’t need any more dents in the roof." JD eyed Josiah in disbelief. JD didn’t even want to ask how the other dents got there.
"LOOK PEOPLE, I am NOT going to jump. I just chased a thieving squirrel that stole my chocolate Cadbury egg. It was my last one. It seemed to be a good idea at the time. Now I’m sort of … well stuck here. STOP LAUGHING!" Vin could not believe his luck. First, the guys thought he was going to jump; now they wouldn’t stop laughing. Well, one good thing he had going for him was Chris or Ezra hadn’t shown up yet. "Josiah, where’s Ez? I thought he was with you. Nathan, could you please stop laughing? This is not funny."
The back door of the Suburban finally opened up. "Mr. Sanchez, you simple must get that door fixed." Ezra climbed out of the car unevenly. He held his head in his hands. Someone was getting a hangover.
"Hey Ez, how the head?" Well if I’m going to be stuck up here, I might have some fun, Vin thought. "How’s it hanging?"
"Mister Tanner, I may be joining you shortly." Ezra looked up. He didn’t seem surprised to see Vin on the ledge. "I am starting to feel the effects of the day’s inebriations. Nathan, I always thought that you cared for my well-being." Ezra slowly edged his way over to Nathan’s side. "What did I do to annoy you so much that you decided to slowly kill me!?!" He yelled into Nathan ear.
"I’m glad I’m up here, it looks like Ez is a little cranky." Vin laughter slowly died as he watched the black ram pull up to the corner of the building. "Great, now I’m a dead man. Uh, Chris I can explain everything."
"Cowboy, you’re going to love this one," Buck butted in to help Vin explain his way out this mess. "Vin here chased a chocolate thieving squirrel out on to the ledge." Buck snorted with laughter. "JD, you better go get your camera. This here is a gold mine opportunity."
"Hey, sweek! I can try out my telephoto lens, use the zoom and everything. I’ll be right back." JD ran off before Vin could stop him.
"Vin, why don’t you just shoot the squirrel?" Chris smiled. Only his team could get in so much trouble.
"First of all, do I look like I’m armed? I’m not exactly packing heat here you know. And second, I can’t hurt Bob." What do these guys think I am, some crazed killer of small woodland animals? Bob is a cute little squirrel when he’s not being a chocolate stealing, deceiving, furry backstabbing rodent. "And third, if I did shoot Bob, there is a very good chance that he would drop the egg on the ground. That would ruin the egg. The egg is important."
"Bob? Vin, please tell me you didn’t name the squirrel Bob." The team leader just shook his head. It was now official; the team was slowly going insane.
"I always knew that Vin’s eating habits would one day come back to bite him on the ass," Nathan replied. "Have you tried to reason with Bob? You know, explain to him why chocolate is bad for squirrels. I mean, it’s not like the squirrel could brush his little squirrel teeth afterward. I bet they don’t have a dental plan to cover regular dental check-ups." The rest of the team stop to stare at Nathan, maybe he’d finally lost his marbles too. "What?! You try riding with Ezra after he starts to sing ‘og og og’ – with a beat no less. And over and over again and then see how sane you are."
"Yes, I tried to reason with him. Maybe I shouldn’t have yelled at him in the first place. I think I hurt his feelings. Now he’s just being plain mean about the whole mess." Vin looked at the squirrel still holding his egg. Vin swore the creature was laughing at him again.
"So Mr. Tanner took the Larabee approach to negotiations." Ezra replied.
By now a small crowd had started to form outside the building. Vin could make out the forms of several of his neighbors. He had decided that this could not under any circumstance get any worse. Of course, that was before the fire department showed up. They started to set up some equipment. The leader of the unit got out of the truck to walk over to Chris. The crowd kept looking up and pointing.
Maybe I should change my name and move to New Zealand, Vin thought. No, that won’t work. Don’t they have some tough immigration laws? Oh man, I will never live this down. You! You little over-grown dust bunny. You can stop laughing at anytime. Vin waved at Mrs. Ramos and her daughter. Just keep smiling, Vin, don’t let them see how embarrassed you are, he thought. Oh great, Ana Ramos is laughing and pointing. Do you have to point child? What is with all these people, don’t they have any thing better to do than watch a man in a towel on a ledge? ‘Move along, nothing to see here, move along,’ Vin silently encouraged the crowd.
Down on the ground Chris was having a conversation with the fire department Chief Lou Harris. Chris wanted nothing more than a couple aspirins and a warm bed. The day started good; caught a few bad guys, got some ass-kicking in, rest of the day off and a few beers. All in all a good day. Now this… this ‘Vin on a Limb’ fiasco. Why is it always Vin or Ezra in trouble? Chris rubbed his head. Thank God he’d had the good sense to swipe a couple of Ezra’s Lush bath bombs from his gift box. He needed the stress relief the soothing waters would provide. "Lou, I can explain everything. Vin was chasing a chocolate stealing squirrel and got stuck on the ledge." He winced. Even to him that it sounded like a lame excuse.
"Uh huh, try me again Chris. I mean, no one is that stupid." Lou took a look at Chris’ face. "Oh God it’s true…I’m so sorry. O.K. my boys and I will set up some lights so we can see him. Why doesn’t somebody go up to his apartment to open his windows and see if he will climb back in. That is the easiest way."
"Well Lou, has my team ever done things the easy way? We were planning on going up but we got ‘distracted’" Chris countered. "We were waiting for better light so JD could take some photographic evidence of this misadventure." Good one, Chris thought. There was no way he was going to admit that they didn’t think to go upstairs to see if they could get Vin down by themselves. "JD! Get ready. Here come some lights for you." The crowd suddenly parted to reveal Mary walking toward Chris. "Mary, what are you doing here?" Great, all I need now is for this to be in the newspaper. The judge will see it and somehow it will be on my head, Chris thought to himself.
"I just heard over the police scanners that there was a crazed man on a ledge. I recognized the address as Vin’s and thought you boys might be up to some trouble so I came. Is that Vin? Why is he wearing a towel? Oh boy, this is jackpot time. Hee hee. Hey Vin, nice towel. Have you been working out?" Mary called to Vin.
"Hi Mary, uh, thanks." ‘Embarrassed’ has nothing on me tonight. Could it get any worse? Vin thought…oh wait don’t answer. Two powerful spot lights lit up just as Vin posed that question to himself. It can always get worst.
"Hey sweek, now I have enough light for my pictures. Thanks guys!" JD yelled out to the firemen that pointed the two spotlights on Vin. Several of the women had started to gather around JD. " O.K. It is $20 for an 8 X 10, $ 40 for a poster and if the towel drops it’s going to double. I’ll need your names and addresses," JD addressed the growing of women. "I will be taking web requests in a few days." Mary moved in to closer to JD to put her order in. This earned her a raised eyebrow for Buck.
"JD, Are you selling pictures of Vin?" Buck looked at his young friend.
"Well yeah, I’m just supplying the demand for Vin pics." JD ducked his head. "The way demand is going I should have enough for that DVD player with surround sound."
From behind JD Ezra intoned in his best Darth Vader impersonation, "Ah young Luke Skywalker, you have decided to come to the dark side of the Force." Then back in his normal voice he added, "Proud of ya, JD. Not every man is willing to make a dollar off of his friend’s embarrassment. Lay off his back, Chewie." Ezra looked over to Buck.
"Chewbacca? No way. I’m sooo Han Solo." Buck replied.
"Sorry Buck. I’m Han Solo. Yon know the charming and handsome rogue on the fringe of legality who is convinced to fight for the right cause. You are Chewbacca, the big faithful hairy sidekick. Josiah is Obi-Wan Kenobi, the wise all knowing Jedi knight training Luke in the way of the Force." Ezra shot back.
"Hey, can I be Lando Calrissian? I so wanted to be Lando growing up." Nathan asked, thinking that this conversation was more interesting than watching Vin sitting in the spotlights. "Billy Dee Williams was the man. Who you think Vin is?"
"First of all, Vin is Boba Fett the bounty hunter of the Empire Strikes Back. Second, Billy Dee is not the man; Richard Roundtree is the man. Shaft is the coolest." Ezra replied.
"Shaft? I thought that was Samuel L. Jackson?" JD looked confused.
"Young Skywalker, the force is strong in you but you much to learn. Samuel L. Jackson, who is the man currently, was in the remake of Shaft. Richard Roundtree was the original Shaft. He is the man and Buck, you are Chewbacca." Josiah-Wan walked over to stand under Vin.
"Ah, Vin? You might wants to think about closing your legs a bit. JD’s got the telephoto lens out again."
"Ladies! Can we focus a bit?" Chris yelled at his team. No wonder he was stressed. A simple plan to walk in to a building turns into a discussion on which Star Wars characters they were. "We are going into Vin’s apartment, we are going to talk him back inside, we are not, and I mean not, going to say another word. It is getting late. The reporters are here. The fire department is here. And soon the rest of the AFT will probably be here, SO CAN WE FOCUS ON THE PROBLEM!"
"Yes, Darth Vader!" The team responded to Chris’ back as he walked up the steps.
"Come on JD, we better get inside. You know what’s going to happen, don’t you? It’s like the Wile E. Coyote versus the roadrunner cartoons. You know he’s going fall off the cliff yet you still watch. Well here, you just know that towel won’t stay on, and yet, you still watch. You should be able to get some great shots inside." Buck put his hand on the back of JD’s neck to guide him up the stairs.
Once inside Vin’s apartment the group quickly moved into his small bedroom. Chris opened the old wooden window and peered out to see Vin sitting on the ledge. He was bathed in the harsh light of the spotlights. "Hey Vin, why don’t you came back inside?" Chris asked. "It’s getting kinda cold out here, and you not wearing much there."
"Can’t." Vin looked at Chris just a few feet from him.
"You looked down, didn’t you?" Chris sighed.
"Yeah, can’t move now. Anyway, I think Bob is laughing at me," Vin whispered to Chris.
"Vin, squirrels can’t laugh." A quiet ‘hee hee hee’ could be heard. "O.K, squirrels usually don’t laugh. He’s laughing with you, not at you." I definitely need a vacation, Chris thought, maybe someplace warm and tropical and definitely by myself.
"Are you sure he’s not laughing at me?" Vin asked as his eyes grew larger. Just then, the window to his right opened and out popped the head of Mrs. Stamos, startling Vin. He quickly moved from his sitting position to his knees. Of course, this caused the towel to fall. A roar went up from the crowd down below. Vin shuffled off the ledge as fast as he could. Unfortunately for Chris he didn’t have time to move out the way as Vin dived through the window. Vin landed on top of Chris, knocking him down on the floor.
"JD if I so much as hear the click of the shudder button on that camera, you will be so dead." Vin groaned. "You hear me? Dead!"
"Vin, would please get off me." Chris pushed Vin to the side. "Could we possibly have one night without any one get into trouble? Please, just one night."
"Hee hee heee"
The team slowly turned to the window. A small furry squirrel sat with a chocolate egg in it paws. The squirrel was shaking with laughter, so much so that it lost its balance falling backwards off the ledge. The team rushed to window to see if Bob the demented squirrel survived the journey down four stories.
"Hey, the little guy is all right. Way to go Bob. Sorry about your egg, Vin. It looks like it’s a goner." Josiah said a prayer of thanks to the powers to be.
"No problem, it was Ezra’s egg to begin with. I just want this night to end." Vin said. CLICK "JD, you are so dead." JD ran out the small apartment hoping he would be able to lose Vin in the crowd downstairs.
"Vin, before you start to chase JD, maybe you want to get some pants on." Chris grabbed hold of Vin arm just before he reached the door.
Vin stopped for a second and looked down, realizing that he was still naked. He yelled through the open window to the running form, "Dead, JD, dead!"
Three months later….
The boys were gathered around new big screen TV sitting in the middle of the living room of Buck and JD’s loft to watch the game. The flat screen, high definition TV was the top of the line. The sound was provided by not one, but six large speakers.
"So Buck, how did you afford to buy such a great system?" Chris asked waving a beer bottle at the TV. Chris was trying to ignore Ezra sitting beside him on the couch. For some reason Ezra was giving him dirty looks and sniffing the air around him. Maybe it’s time for Ezra to take a vacation, Chris thought.
"Well, you know those photos of Vin? You wouldn’t believe how much people are willing to pay." At the sound of Buck’s answer Vin spit out his beer. "Hell, the Kid had to hire a professional printer for the poster size."
"JD, you are so dead." Vin jumped up from the couch to chase JD coming from the kitchen. JD, seeing his short life flash before his eyes, ran for the door. Laughter erupted from the rest of the team.
"You! You are the one who stole my bath bombs." Ezra finally figured out what he smelled on Chris. "They were a birthday present from my dear mother and you stole them." His eyes narrowed; first the chocolate eggs and now this. No wonder he had trust issues, Ezra thought. The rest of the team looked at Chris with faces of puzzlement and disbelief.
"What? I needed them for stress relief. You wouldn’t believe how trying it is to be this team’s leader." Chris looked guiltily at Ezra. Damn, his little secret was out now. Hearing a muffled crash and scream in the hallway, Chris decided to use some slight of hand to stop further inquiries into his skin care routine. "So, did JD really use the money he earned from selling naked pictures of Vin to buy this system?"
Buck raised an eyebrow, knowing that Chris deliberately changed the subject. "Oh, hell no, this is all rental stuff. It goes back on Monday. I just thought it would be nice to watch the game on a bigger screen. JD used the money to put a down payment on a ski lodge in Aspen." Buck laughed. "The boy made some serious money off of Vin."
"What!?" the rest teamed shouted in disbelief.
"Sweek." was Ezra’s only reply.
END
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