What We Hope to Learn

by Annie

Chris ushered Vin into the kitchen, the younger man's weight dragging both of them down as they stumbled through the door. Each man was breathing heavily by the time Chris lowered Vin into a chair at the table.

He closed the door and paused with his back to it as he caught his breath. He turned back to Vin and knelt before him to get a good look. With a trembling hand, he pulled back the frozen hair that hung in front of his face.

Blood oozed from a cut over Vin's eye, having already left a dried path that wound down to his chin. A large lump had formed and was quickly turning purple. His bottom lip had split open and was caked with dried blood. Chris ran a finger over the cut, wincing himself at the swollen skin. He lightly felt around the bruised flesh when Vin's head jerked away from his touch. He quickly found two blue eyes squinting dazedly back at him.

"Jesus, Vin," he whispered as his gaze traced over the bloody trail. "What happened?"

Vin's eyes shifted to the left, then right, the only movement he made. He then turned them back to Chris. "Turn heat on," he mumbled. His head dropped forward again as if his neck could no longer hold it up.

"It is on," Chris answered as he noted the man shivering. "Vin. Look at me. You're at my place. Do you--Vin." He cupped his hand over a cold cheek and tried to impart some warmth as he searched for a spark of cognizance.

Vin slowly lifted his head and Chris gently placed both hands now around the frozen face. He was trying hard not to panic at Vin's somewhat sluggish movements and peered with concern into his eyes.

"Look at me. Do you know where you are? Can you tell me where else you're hurt?"

Vin stared at him for a moment and blinked. It was almost as if he was trying to place the voice and Chris's heart leaped to his throat as he still received no response.

"I'm calling an ambulance," Chris said aloud for his own reassurance, and reached for the phone but stopped mid-dial as Vin's voice finally sounded.

"No. Wait...Chris...'m okay...okay...just, just gimme a minute--"

Chris turned back to him, relief evident in his voice as he repeated himself. "Look at me, Vin. Do you know where you are?'

Blue eyes turned to his, their depths seeming to gain a measure of clarity as awareness slowly returned. "Yeah," Vin sighed heavily, tiredly. "I'm in your kitchen at the ranch..." He looked down at his hands and began to work the stiff, frozen fingers. "Again." He fisted both hands and stifled a moan as the cold muscles rebelled the movement. "Damn that hurts," he mumbled softly then turned his attention back to Chris. "I'm really okay. Just tired and cold. Damn cold. Be nice you turn the heat on."

"Heat is on...Jesus, Vin, you don't look okay. You're bleeding, you have a lump on your head the size of Mt. Everest and God knows what else wrong. Can you tell me what happened?"

Vin thought for a moment then, with teeth chattering loudly, he slowly eased frozen arms forward to rest on the table. Lord, his head hurt. "You an' me had a...a dis'greement."

"What? What're you talking about?"

Vin stared at his hands. They looked like frozen chicken feet. He knew what Chris wanted, but couldn't get past how hurt and anger he still felt. "Whaddaya mean, what? You were there."

Chris fell silent for a moment as he absorbed the harsh words. He could hear the ire in Vin's voice and knew he'd helped put it there. But he also knew he needed the assurance that Vin was okay now. He spoke slowly, his voice soft. "That is not what I meant."

Vin smiled sardonically. He knew that. He exhaled. "Wrecked the Jeep."

"Well, that I figured. What did you--did you walk all the way back here?"

Vin set tired eyes upon him. He pushed a chair with his boot and tiredly oustretched his leg on it. "Couldn't 'xactly get a cab." The words sounded strange in his ears and felt even stranger to form. His tongue felt numb. His chin felt frozen. He wasn't sure he'd ever feel his fingers again.

Chris smiled at the words heavily laced with sarcasm. Now that sounded like Vin.

Vin clenched his jaw to stop his teeth from chattering and spoke against the pounding of his head. "Drove on outta here, no problem. Kinda icy but seemed fine 'til I hit that first sharp curve 'bout mile down from here. Jeep hit ice and I couldn't turn her. Next thing, I'm wakin' up hangin' halfway out the door, drippin' blood from m' head int' the snow." He rubbed at his neck and slowly rotated his shoulder. "Damn seatbelt cut inta m' shoulder somethin' awful. Held me in, though, guess that ain't such a bad thing." He fingered the bump on his forehead. "Think I hit the door 'fore it popped open when it hit the tree. Pretty sure I was out for a few minutes, too..."

He sat for a moment, pressing his hands against his bruised shoulder and aching side and tried not to think too hard on where he was and who he was with...again. "Would'a called...but I couldn't find m' phone."

Chris nodded as he felt his own breathing coming easier. Vin sounded more himself. "You left your phone here. Listen, I think it's best we get you to the hospital just to make sure you're--"

"No, Chris. It's okay...I'm okay. Really. Just tired an' cold 's 'all. Y' got--y' got the heat on?"

"It's on, Vin, and I really think you ought to see a doctor. You hurting anywhere else? "

Vin tried to figure out what part of him didn't hurt. As cold as his body was, he really couldn't tell. "Dunno...think 'm too frozen to tell what's what. Can't get warm. Are y' sure the--"

"Yes, the heat is on. Come with me." Chris stared into the blue eyes and felt his heart slow its frantic pace. Vin was okay. Bloody and sore, but fine. He pulled him to stand, his own body wanting to give support to the shivering man. "A long, hot shower will warm you up."

Vin smiled through the rattling of his teeth. "Long shower ... Hey, how long we talkin'? Just how big a hot water heater you got?"

"I've got more than enough to get you warmed up."

Vin smiled through sore lips. "We are talkin' 'bout water here, right?" He tilted his head away from Chris as he instantly regretted the words that just tumbled freely from his mouth. He grimaced thinking his brain must be as numb as his body...too bad his mouth wasn't frozen shut.

Chris's eyes shot to Vin's at the remark and he let loose a small burst of laughter.

Vin didn't know what to make of that.

Chris helped Vin down the hall and into the master bedroom's bathroom.

"Shower in here, it's nicer than the one in the guestroom. I'll get you some clean towels and dry clothes."

Vin leaned against the wall and with as little movement as was necessary, shrugged out of his coat and let it fall heavily to the floor. His body was numb. He couldn't remember ever having felt this exhausted or this bone-chilling cold.

Although, finding himself right back at Chris's made him somewhat glad for the overall numbness.

His skin began to burn and itch in places as he started to thaw. His ears stung hotly, his nose was starting to drip and he couldn't seem to stop from shivering. He looked down at his claw shaped frozen hands and flexed them, almost surprised they didn't just snap in two like an icesicle.

He decided that the removal of his coat was as much effort as he could expend for the moment and tiredly sat down on the toilet to rest. He was too physically worn to do anything else.

Chris came back in with an armload of towels and dropped them onto the marble counter. For a second, he watched Vin as he rested with his eyes closed, then reached past him and turned on the water for the shower.

Vin lifted his head as he felt movement--Chris--by his head. He heard the running water and lifted heavy eyelids upward. Chris was standing over him.

Right over him.

His eyes were level with Chris's zipper.

Oh yeah, numb was good.

"You need help..."

Vin nodded slightly at the statement and let Chris help him pull off his boots and socks. His feet were flaming red and felt like blocks of ice.

Without trying to think, he stood shakily to allow the other man to help him with his clothing. His own fingers fumbled unsuccessfully with the buttons on his shirt until others brushed them away.

"Here," Chris said as he reached for the buttons, "let me."

Chris quickly unbuttoned Vin's shirt and eased it from his arms. Then, he helped peel away the long sleeved t-shirt underneath. When Vin showed no progress in the unbuttoning of his jeans, Chris made short work of those as well, until the young man was stripped down to nothing more than his boxers.

Chris's fingers reached for the elastic waist when cold hands set upon his. His eyes met Vin's.

"Chris--" Vin started, his voice choking in his throat. God, he wasn't that numb.

Chris eased the shorts off quickly. "Just get in the shower."

Vin leaned into the water that rained down from the large showerhead and relaxed. He could think of nothing else in his whole life that had ever felt as good as standing under that warm spray did right at that moment. With more of a groan than the sigh he'd intended, he leaned his aching body against the shiny, white tile, closed his eyes and let the hot water travel his skin.

Chris stood outside the shower door and looked at the hazy pale flesh that showed distortedly through the translucent beveled glass. Vin wasn't moving at all, seemingly rooted to the spot directly underneath the water's spray.

He closed his eyes briefly, then bent over to collect the discarded, damp clothing and headed for the laundry room down the hall. Dumping the clothing into a basket, he eyed the dried blood covering the collar on the faded denim shirt. In a flash, his mind showed him a picture of Vin's battered Jeep and he rocked back on his heels as it was quickly followed by the very clear image of Vin's lifeless, bloody body.

For a second, he felt as if he were standing right there. Vin's body lay at his feet, sprawled bonelessly atop the cold ground. Bright red blood seeped into the white snow. Blue, vacant eyes were wide open and staring at nothing...

Christ.

He shivered hard and forced himself to erase the image. With a clenched jaw he threw the shirt into the washing machine, quickly followed by the remainder of Vin's clothing. His eyes came to focus on the dark red that spotted the white fabric of the long-sleeved henley tee sitting on top of all the clothing in the washer. He picked it up and stared at it for a long moment feeling suddenly light-headed and cold. Dismissing the grisly vision, he started the wash, made himself stop and check the thermostat in the den, then headed back down the hall, the ruined shirt all the while still clutched tightly in his fist.

Vin felt miserable. He hadn't been lying to Chris earlier when he'd said he was fine, he had felt fine then...because he had been too frozen to feel any different.

Then, he must've been too much of a popsicle to feel anything. Now, he was thawing slowly and small aches and pains were making themselves known. In fact, some of them couldn't even be called small at all. Pain gripped him hard now in his shoulder, side and back. Especially his back. It ached from time to time even on a good day, but now he could feel his body turning into one big curve as his muscles pulled up tight on his entire side.

He turned to face the showerhead and bent his head down, letting it's warm spray massage the back of his neck and shoulders as he placed both hands palm first against the tiled wall. He tried to relax his lower body, but finding a comfortable postion was becoming impossible.

His legs ached.

His hands and feet itched.

His back spasmed.

His shoulder hurt.

And his head throbbed.

With a heavy sigh, he tried to shut out the pain and discomfort, and so he let his mind drift.

Which it did...

It was as if all day he'd somehow been stuck in some 'Twilight Zone' epsiode...all roads leading back to the same place he'd been trying unsuccessfully to get away from. And the one person, too, he'd be better off avoiding. He shook his head and tried to think of nothing...

Chris.

Chris's ranch.

Chris's bathroom.

Chris's shower.

Chris's hands undressing him...touching him.

Naked...

Shit, he thought. So much for thinking of nothing. Better to concentrate on the aches and pains.

Too late. He looked down as he felt the stirrings in his groin, then leaned his forehead against the hard tile.

Looked like not everything was numb.

He cursed himself for his feelings. Why had he driven Chris home tonight? Why had he allowed his feelings to come to the surface? Okay, so maybe Chris did want him for a night. Maybe he could be happy, even if it meant it was only the one time. What did he have to lose, really? He'd get Chris all to himself for one whole night...Chris would get to satisfy his obvious curiosity about men and then they both could go on their merry way. Or "Mary" way, in Chris's case.

He lightly banged his head on the white ceramic tile. This wasn't going to work. It could never work. He couldn't stand here, in Chris's shower, and tell himself that one night wouldn't hurt. It would hurt. It already hurt.

He needed to go home. God, he needed to go home.

Chris walked silently into the steam-filled bathroom and stopped. He knew he shouldn't be here, knew he should leave. Or at the very least, make himself known.

Instead, he watched with increasing awareness the slight movements of the naked body behind the steam covered shower doors. Vin seemed to be leaning against the wall...with no signs of ever leaving the warm water.

Chris looked to the cotton shirt he held and brought it to his face. He inhaled deeply and his senses filled with the scent of the young man now standing completly nude not five feet from him.

Stress managment lesson...know your own stress inducers.

He ought to leave. He ought to walk out the door and go someplace else. He ought to cough or clear his throat or say 'Vin, I'm standing out here, so...' He ought to do...

something...

Without another thought, he stripped down and opened the doors to climb into the steamy shower.

So much for lessening the stress quotient.

Vin turned his head slightly over his shoulder as he felt the cold blast of air sweep over his body. His heart found a home in his throat.

"Chris?"

Hands gently alit his hips. He jumped at the touch, but didn't turn around.

"Uh--"

"Shh," Chris said, "We need to talk."

"Talk," Vin whispered as he looked down at his toes.

"Yeah."

"Here?"

"You warmin' up?'

"Some..." came the answer, edged with obvious uncertainty.

"Then here's as good a place as any," Chris stated firmly. "Vin...sometimes I'm not much for words--"

"Y'ain't kiddin--"

"When I saw you laying on my drive--" he stopped speaking, then started again. "You crashing your Jeep--"

"It ain't totalled, Chris. Think I put out a headlight, banged up the front, is all."

"Vin. It's not the Jeep. I think you need to know that earlier tonight--when you left--"

"Feels like months ago--" Vin said then told himself to shut up.

"Will you shut up and listen? Christ, you say nothing when I need you to, and can't shut up when I don't. Just give me your attention--"

"Oh, you have that," Vin assured him and closed his eyes. What the hell was happening here? Was this for real? "Ain't ever'day I get comp'ny in the shower."

Vin turned and the hands on his hips traced over the wet skin there as he swiveled front. His face was inches from Chris's. He could see the tiny drops of water running down Chris's cheeks from the shower spray hitting his hair.

"Chris? Are you in here with me...because..." He leaned forward and licked his tongue across the wet lips. Nope, no numbness there, either.

"Taking a bold chance there, Tanner."

Vin looked into the bright green eyes and hoped for the best. "Ain't that bold a chance. Had a good idea y' might like it. After all, y' are standin' in here with me...naked..." Okay, so maybe one night with Chris would be enough, if that was all it was destined to be. He could keep it close, like a tiny treasure.

Chris looked down at the water running into the drain and let his mouth curve up with a grin. He looked back at Vin, taking in the swollen lump above the eye and the blood that still stained the skin around it. Grabbing a fresh washcloth, he reached for Vin's head and gently pressed the warm terry onto the cut.

"You sure you're okay?"

Vin sighed as the hands found his face, brushing softly over his skin. "Never better," he said and sighed again, pressing his head into those hands. For a moment they stood, Chris cleaning away the dried blood and Vin letting him, his eyes closed against the gentle ministrations as he leaned forward. Chris's hands dropped and Vin sighed again, this time opening his eyes.

Chris was looking at him, appraising him.

"You look crooked," he said, his eyes roving over the naked body.

" 's 'cause I am," Vin nodded slowly. "Strained m' back...no more 'n usual, though, I don't think. I'll be okay."

"You sure."

"Yep," Vin nodded again, never taking his eyes from the green ones assessing him. "M' head kinda bled like a stuck pig there for awhile. It's feelin' better now, though.

"There's blood in your hair." Chris reached out and ran a finger through the wet strands.

"Ain't washed. Was all I could do just t' stand here. Ain't been no soap involved..."

"Yet," Chris added and reached for the small bottle of shampoo tucked into the metal rack in the corner. He poured a quarter sized amount in the palm of his hand and looked to Vin. "You are going to let me do this, right?"

Vin smiled. "Wash away." He bent his head slightly so as to give Chris better access to his hair and closed his eyes again against the soap that ran freely down his face. Strong fingers massaged his head, slowly winding into his hair as they worked the lather.

He'd never had anyone wash his hair before. Never had anyone want to.

"Rinse."

Vin stood under the spray and let the warm water wash away the soap. The cut above his eye stung and the area around it still throbbed and he winced from the pain.

A voice spoke next to his ear and once again, Chris's hands wrapped themselves around his hips.

"You ready to get out?" Chris asked.

Vin kept his eyes shut as he answered, not at all sure how he felt about ending the shower and having to face whatever was coming next. It figured that when he finally decided that maybe one night with this man would be enough, his body would be so sore he could hardly move.

"Chris. What happens when--when we--"

Lips softly brushed over his and he let them as they came back stronger, harder, this time gently forcing his own apart. They kissed while the water from the shower ran rivers down their faces.

Chris pulled back and looked at Vin, steeling himself for words he knew had to be said. He hoped to God they came out the way he wanted. He took a deep breath.

"Vin. Listen. I was married...had a son--"

'Oh God', Vin thought. 'OhGodohGodohGod.' A feeling of dread crept into his gut. He knew, just knew he was about to hear the now remember, this is just for a little wet fun, just for the one night because, see, I'm a marrying kind of guy and you ain't exactly a woman speech.

He'd been wrong--so wrong. He knew he wouldn't be able to stand hearing the words, knew he wouldn't be able to live with only one night with Chris. No, a one time fuck was not going to work.

His anger flared. "Shit, Chris. Here I am standin' naked in your fuckin' shower an' you pick now t' explain this just ain't really your kinda thing. Well, you asshole...I ain't into bein' the cat that kills your curiosity. In case y' hadn't noticed, you climbed in here with me--"

"Vin," Chris said, hastily cutting off the harsh words. He placed his hands on Vin's shouders in an effort to quell the obvious anger that had filled the small space. "I don't know what you're thinking I'm thinking...but whatever it is, it ain't what's what. I'm not repeating this...so why don't you just stand there and shut up and let me speak."

Vin crossed his arms and leaned back some. "G' head."

"Since Sarah and--since they died--I pretty much resigned myself that I'd never have that--happiness--again. Didn't want it again. Hell, I never wanted to love again--ever..."

Vin looked away, his eyes glued to the water that swirled down the drain.

"But that was before," Chris continued as he watched Vin. "Now, I've been...I've been living a lie the past few months. Denying everything I've wanted, because I was scared. Scared of myself. Scared of you. God, especially scared of you. And not for the reasons you're thinking, either.

"I was scared because I thought if I allowed myself to feel something for you, then it meant I might have to admit to loving you. And I wasn't sure I could...

"Then tonight, when you walked out and left me, and I just let you go...it was because I was afraid I really couldn't give love again. I was sure I didn't know how.

"And then...when I found you out there curled up on my driveway...I was so afraid I'd already lost you. Like I'd lost them. And that's when I knew for certain that I couldn't stand the thought of not having you by my side.

"See, the one person in this world that I want to be with me forever is standing right here, right now. Wet and naked and bloody and crooked. And...and I have never wanted to give my love to anyone more in my life."

Vin slowly looked up as he spoke. Oh God. "You mind repeatin' all that? I wasn't really payin' attention."

Chris paled visibly...

and Vin grinned.

"Tanner, you are such a shithead."

Vin nodded. "Yep. But I'm your lovin' shithead, ain't I?"

"Hell, no."

"What? Oh hell, yes I am. Y' just said so. Y' have t' keep me, now."

Chris flung water at him. "Why do I do this to myself?"

"'Cause y' love me, last I heard."

"Thought you weren't listening."

"Well, some."

"Which some?"

"The part you said y' love me."

"Yeah, well what do I know?'

"Oh lots. See, the way I figure it, you must know somethin' about somethin', else they wouldn't be payin' ya the big bucks."

"So you just want me for my money, is that it?"

"Hell, Larabee. If all I wanted was money, I'd hook up with Ezra. Nah...I just want you for your looks. Y' know...somethin' t' look on now and then. Like a...a trophy stud. Only older."

"How the hell did I get saddled with such a crooked, bruised and downright ornery smart-ass?"

"Hey! A minute ago you was sayin' them qualities was somethin' y' loved."

"Yeah? Well I should've looked harder. You're damaged goods."

"Y' didn't think so when y' kissed me."

"You kissed me."

"Shit, Larabee. You are gettin' old...losin' brain cells sure as I'm standin' here, buck nekkid."

"Buck?"

"Buck? What, you invited him t' this little shower party, too?"

"Vin. You warmed up yet?"

"Hell no, I've only just begun."

"I knew I was afraid of this."

"Why? You worryin' on what your hot water bill's gonna be?"

Chris shut off the water. "Well, there is that."

Both men stepped from the shower and reached for the thick towels. Chris quickly wrapped one around his own waist then began to help Vin dry off, noting how stiffly the young man was moving. He helped guide him to the bed and eased him down.

Vin was groaning as each little move seemed to burn his muscles. He ached all over. Life was going to be one massive bruise come morning and he knew Chris was going to make him head to the doctor's first thing. Which by the early light already filtering into the window, looked to be in about an hour or so.

He watched Chris pick up the towels and pad around the room putting things in order. Lord, how did so much happen in one night? He lay back on the bed and his body seemed to melt away from him. He was so tired. His mind swirled with images and words and he tried hard to catch and still some of them to try and make sense of just what all had happened. Was happening.

What he knew for sure, was he was as happy as he'd felt in...well, in forever. Lying in Chris's bed...in Chris's room...at Chris's ranch. The one place he knew he'd now never want to leave. Funny how things could change in a heartbeat.

He felt the covers being pulled over him and a soft kiss brushed his lips as he heard Chris say something about finding something for him to take for pain and being right back... and then there was nothing but warmth. He drifted to sleep with a smile on his bruised face and dreamed of loving hands washing his hair.

Chris returned to the bedroom, two geltabs and a glass of water in his hand which he set on the night table as he saw Vin was asleep.

"Vin," he whispered, calling out softly enough to not really wake the man.

He stared for a minute at the relaxed features, sure for the first time tonight that he'd done and said finally what he'd been harboring away for so long.

He dropped the towel around his own waist and climbed underneath the covers. Naked. Buck naked. With a laugh, he slid further across the bed. As he held a breath, he gently eased himself over closer to the sleeping body and nestled as snug to the man's back as he dared without chance of jostling Vin.

After a slight hesitation, he eased his arm across Vin's waist and let it settle heavily onto his body. He smiled as he felt a comforting sense of familiarity. He hadn't had anyone to spoon into in such a long time...and although Vin formed differently to him that had Sarah, it still felt like a perfect match. He tucked his head near the back of Vin's, feeling the damp hair tickle his face and he breathed deeply and let Vin's scent wash over him.

With some surprise, he realized Vin had responded in his sleep by pushing back against him, until they now were fully pressed together, limbs entwined.

Chris's eyes drooped and a bone weariness stole over him and he smiled again knowing this was the best stress reducer ever made.

He had maybe taken the long way around to voice his own wants on this night, and it certainly hadn't been the easiest road traveled--especially for Vin--but he knew with all certainty that what he had learned had been invaluable.

He was capable of finding love again... and he had...it was right next to him.

Snoring.

END

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