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What We Hope to Learn |
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Feedback: Please do, it makes me want to write more
Disclaimer: None of the characters in this creation belong to me, just a case of the I wants.
Comments: This stems from trying to write on another story and this plot bunny woudn't stop. So, this kind of fits the music challenge...only I got waay carried away. It's 4 parts, this being the first. All the songs by Matchbox 20. song credits in part 4.
Size: Approx 103K
So scream you, out from behind the bitter ache Heavy on the memory, you need most still want love, ugly smooth and delicate not without affection, not alone And instead of wishing that it would just get better man you're seeing that you just angrier
And it's good that I'm not angry I just need to get over, I'm not angry, anymore
Cry when you cry, run when you run love when you love represent the ashes that you leave behind
And instead of wishing that the road had shoulder man you're seeing that you're sinking over time
And it's good that I'm not angry I just need to get over I'm not angry it's dragging me under I'm not angry
I'm not angry it's never been enough it gets inside and it tears you up I'm not angry but I've never been above it you see through me don't you
Angry - Matchbox 20
The office door slammed and six faces looked up from desks to stare at one another with raised eyebrows.
"He's uh--"
"Apparently a little pissed," Buck Wilmington finished and grinned slightly to JD Dunne, who stood mouth wide as he stared at the closed door.
"And to what, do you suppose, may we attribute that current little display of ire?" Ezra Standish wondered aloud.
"Bad day?" JD offered. He was still fairly new to the ATF team of specialists and trying desperately to learn the ways and means of each the other members. Chris Larabee, head man and current angry ogre, still remained an elusive puzzle. At first seeming fairly even-keeled, but as of late the man just seemed to be sinking deeper and deeper into the blackest of moods. And so now, after the newest explosion of anger he'd just witnessed, JD decided he had no more desire to pursue his team-member studies. In no way did he want to be the recipient of any of the raging fire that had lately been flaring from the man's eyes. Stand too close and he knew he'd get burned.
"Bad day...bad week," Josiah Sanchez added and shut down his computer. "Okay, brothers. That is it for me. I happily say sayonara." He was done for the day and ready to leave and had no intention of sticking around to be fodder for the boss's latest foul temper. There was no talking to Chris when he became this way. And he was this way a lot lately.
"What? You don't wanna go get a beer tonight? But it's Friday," Buck protested as he watched the man pack his briefcase. "C'mon, Josiah. We always go get a beer on Friday. Nathan?"
"I'm outta here, too," Nathan Jackson sighed and cut off his desk light. It had been a miserable week for everyone and he was happy to see it come to end. Plus, he had hopes of squeezing in a little romantic dinner with his wife and he wanted to pick up some wine. With the weatherman's sure promise of the coming of an evening's blizzard, he didn't want to be stuck anywhere but at home.
Buck turned to Ezra, who stood and slipped into his Burberry trench. Ezra answered the questioning eyes without even looking up from his desk.
"I am otherwise engaged, thank you."
"Really."
Ezra pulled out the keys to his Jaguar. "Yes, really. I have a cd player loaded with the classics, a bottle of port and fine cheese and a wonderful book awaiting me at my home and I intend to be there listening, sampling and reading in a matter of minutes. All by myself, alone."
"Aw hell, Ez, that ain't no fun." Vin Tanner stood shaking his head as he leaned against his desk, watching the interplay between his team members.
Buck nodded. "No, it ain't fun. In fact, Ezra, it sounds boring as hell. Now, lemme tell you what you really need--"
Ezra groaned and buttoned his coat. "Please...don't."
"Well, since y' said please and all. Allow me to point out where you're goin' wrong in your social life."
"I said please don't."
"Yeah, well, I'm ignoring that part. Now, listen up--"
"As engaging as this is bound to be, I'm afraid I really must be going."
Buck spoke over him as he continued. "First, you need to start with a good beer. Not one of those imports you're so fond of, either, but a good ol' 'merican made brew. Next, a soft body pressing--"
"Cease and desist," Ezra interrupted, knowing full well if Buck continued speaking he'd find himself seated in the usual chair at the usual table in the back of the usual bar watching Buck attempt to charm the skirts off the usual flock of women.
"I, along with yourselves, have had a miserable week full of wretched paperwork and seething superiors, and have now not the slightest inclination of extending said misery any further by rehashing the week's events with the rest of you as you drown in your cups. Uh...No offense intended, I assure you."
"Ezra--"
"Mr. Wilmington. Buck. I am exhausted and I am leaving."
"Ezra--"
"Goodbye. Here I go...watch...I'm out the door."
"Ezra--"
"Say goodnight, gentlemen...and I do use the term loosely," the voice could be heard as it drifted from the hallway. "Ezra has left the building."
Buck turned to the remaining two and shrugged his shoulders. "He just doesn't know what's good for him. Well, guess it's just the fun bunch, then. Whaddaya say boys?"
JD grinned and grabbed his coat. "I'm in and going. I'll meet you there but I want to fill up my tank first. You know they're calling for a big storm late tonight."
"So I've heard."
"Okay, I'll see ya in a few. Save me a beer or two."
Buck laughed and flipped his light off as he turned to Vin. "Let's go, Vin. I'm sure I can hear an ice cold one calling your name."
Vin nodded and started after the departing man, then turned to glance at the closed door behind him. He stopped and stared and wondered if he should attemp t a knock or leave well enough alone. God knew, he had no desire to incure the wrath that was Larabee at the moment, but it didn't seem right not to offer an invitation to happy hour, either.
'Course, sometimes it was better to let biting dogs bite someone else.
He startled when a hand fell heavily onto his shoulder, turning him around.
"I don't know that's a good idea there, Junior. He ain't in the partying mood these days."
Vin nodded. "So I've noticed. Still, shouldn't we make the offer, anyway? All he can do is say no."
"All he can do is tear your head off and hand it back to you, you mean."
Vin frowned. "He ain't been that bad, Buck."
Buck smiled softly as he looked down at the younger man and wondered if Chris saw what he did shining deep within the large expressive eyes. Vin hadn't been one of the team for all that long, but in the short time that he had, Buck had seen that he and Chris had formed a bond of friendship that even he hadn't ever reached with the other man. Not in the twelve years that he'd been a part of Chris's life had he developed the sort of eerie, deep rooted connection that Chris and Vin seemed to have established from day one. There was a definite closeness there, that was clearly evident.
Lately, though, Buck was fairly sure that on Vin's part, anyway, it encompassed more than just friendly feelings. He had his suspicions.
He studied the man's face before him. Handsome. Yes, he'd thought Vin was a good-looking young man the moment he'd seen him. Did Chris see any of this? Doubtful.
"Vin. This just ain't Chris's favorite time of year, that's all. Holidays can be tough and, well...You don't wanna go poking a stick into a nest of bees and end up pissin' off the king."
"Queen."
Buck and Vin looked up to find they were staring into the head bee's hard green eyes.
"There is no king bee."
"Figures. Well hey, Chris. Vin and I are off t' meet JD over at Inez's. Care to join us...your majesty?"
Chris ran a hand through his hair, his eyes downcast as he thought it over. He knew he'd been acting vicious lately, snapping at everything and everyone, but it was Christmas, and he couldn't seem to help himself. Still, though, maybe a drink or two with friends was just what he needed.
Maybe it was exactly what he needed.
"Yeah. Okay, yeah. I'll go. Let me clean up my desk and I'll be right behind you." He watched as Buck and Vin headed out and could hear their laughter from the hallway. He then found himself staring at an empty doorway before realizing that he'd been standing there for several minutes, his mind elsewhere.
For the past few years, the holidays had been almost intolerable. The long season was hell to deal with when he was constantly bombarded with images of laughing children and happy families. Losing his wife and child had affected him deeply and sometimes he thought he would never manage a peaceful existance again. But then lately, as he found himself surrounded by the six other members of his team, he discovered a new sense of what might make a family. Despite what the others thought and despite his foul mood of late, being around these men seemed to have made this year's season a little bit easier to bear.
Or, if he were really truthful with himself, being around Vin made it a lot easier to bear.
He shuffled the never-ending paperwork into a large pile and placed it in the center of his desk and thought about Tanner. Lately it seemed Vin crossed his mind more often than not.
He pushed the button for the elevator and leaned against the wall. Vin could always get a rise out of him, that was for sure. Sarah used to make him laugh, too...her eyes would crinkle at the corners when she smiled...not as much as Vin's, but similarly, somehow.
He thought about the men of his team. He was friends with all of them, even JD, as young as he was. That made him smile. Vin wasn't all that much older than JD, yet seemed eons apart from him. Maybe Vin really aged in dog years.
He stepped into the elevator and pressed the button for the garage, smelling the scent of pizza when he entered. Someone was working late, he guessed.
Sarah loved pizza. Every Friday night they'd order out when after Adam was born, she declared she didn't cook on the weekends. He closed his eyes as he recalled the way the tip of her tongue would peek from her mouth just as she started to bite into a slice...funny thing, he'd noticed a few weeks back that Vin's did the same thing and...
His eyelids shot open and his heart seemed to have leapt to his throat at the clear image his mind produced. His groin stirred.
His groin stirred?
Oh Christ, that was what he was feeling down there.
Because of...because of Vin?
No, no, no. He just liked the man's quiet company. That was all it was.
Get a grip, Larabee.
He'd go to the bar, have a drink--maybe two, no more--and then go home. Maybe order a pizza.
+ + + + + + +
Vin sat in the noisy bar and tried to clear his head of his boss's image. Visions of Chris had entered his mind the minute he'd met the man and they had yet to let up. Adding alcohol to those pictures, he knew, was never the wisest of choices. Not that he was afraid of doing or saying anything to the man. No, it was more the fact he'd feel empty and aching later and Lord, he didn't need any more of that this time of year. Christmas was hard enough to get through, without adding a whole bunch of unrequited love to the mix.
Wait...Love?
No, not love. He wasn't really feeling love. Couldn't be.
Lust, maybe.
No...it was more complicated than that, he knew. But love?
No. He wasn't even sure what love felt like and besides, he wasn't sure he even believed it really existed, anyway.
Love. Highly overrated and exaggerated emotion. That much he knew for sure.
Still, when he watched Chris thread his way through the bar and slide into the seat to his right, his heart seemed to skip a beat and he was suddenly grateful for the bar's dim lighting as he was almost sure his face was flushed beet red. If anyone asked, he'd tell them he was feeling hot. He quickly drained his beer and mentally berated himself for acting so foolish.
Buck was floored that Chris had even showed up. Knowing what emotional torture the holidays were to the man, he was completely surprised when Chris had not only accepted the invitation for a beer, but had actually showed up to drink it. Well, whiskey. But still...he was here. And that was amazing considering how mean and ornery the man had been the past weeks. Buck knew though, the anger he displayed was more a veil to hide the hurt of loss.
He looked at Vin, intially confused, then wholly amused by the faint blush that seemed to be staining the man's cheeks. Had to be because of Chris. He chuckled to himself and hoped for Vin's sake that Chris never discovered the little crush their sharpshooter seemed to be carrying. Even though he knew Chris wasn't against the idea of two men sharing sheets, Lord knew he was proof of that, he just couldn't imagine that man even thinking of doing that with Vin. Chris would be...be, what? Well, he wasn't sure exactly how the man would react but figured it would not be a pretty sight.
Vin was, though. It amazed him that he'd never noticed just how blue Vin's eyes were, especially when he wore that faded blue flannel shirt that he was currently wearing.
It was too bad the young man didn't go for tall, dark and exceedingly handsome.
He grinned into his beer mug. Obviously the boy needed to broaden his horizons. Chris, hah. Vin would learn quickly that Chris was a dead-end street when it came to any matters of the heart. He was too wrapped up in the loss of his own wife and child to pay attention to any others buzzing around his head. God knew Mary Travis had tried to land and failed.
No, Chris wasn't noticing much these days. For the past few years, the onset of the holiday season coincided with the onset of Chris's anger at life in general. Christmastime and constant good cheer would be enough to ensure Chris would be in a foul mood for weeks on end.
No, Vin would do better to look elsewhere for companionship.
He smiled again and drank deeply as he looked around the crowded bar to find his own form of companionship. There was to be a huge snowstorm blowing in and he thought it might be fun to be snowed in with someone.
Vin?
Fat chance. By the look of him, there were nothing but thoughts of Chris dancing through that boy's head this holiday season. Though in time, he might make a try down that avenue.
Buck looked for Inez. Just where was that beautiful señorita, anyway? With a nod to the others, he headed for the bar and the woman of his dreams. Or, the woman of tonight's dreams, at least. If only she would see it that way.
At least once.
JD was in hog heaven. Casey Wells, the young woman he'd been sort of seeing for the past few weeks, had just come in with a few of her friends and was signalling for him to join them. He looked to Vin and Chris, both sitting and drinking and not saying a word.
As usual.
"Hey, look. Casey just walked in. I'm uh, going to go see her, maybe see if she wants to get a pizza or something before it starts snowing. So, if you don't mind, I'll, uh, see you guys later. Vin. Chris. 'Night."
"'Kay, night JD." Vin's stomach lurched when he looked around to find he and Chris were the only ones left at the table.
Not that it should bother him.
So what if he was attracted to the man? Wasn't like that was anything new. He could sit here quietly and drink his beer and enjoy just being in the man's presence like always.
It didn't bother him.
He sipped his beer and shook his head. Who was he kidding?
It bothered him a lot.
+ + + + + + +
Vin sat in the noisy bar and tried to clear his head of his boss's image. Visions of Chris had entered his mind the minute he'd met the man and they had yet to let up. Adding alcohol to those pictures, he knew, was never the wisest of choices. Not that he was afraid of doing or saying anything to the man. No, it was more the fact he'd feel empty and aching later and Lord, he didn't need any more of that this time of year. Christmas was hard enough to get through, without adding a whole bunch of unrequited love to the mix.
Wait...Love?
No, not love. He wasn't really feeling love. Couldn't be.
Lust, maybe.
No...it was more complicated than that, he knew. But love?
No. He wasn't even sure what love felt like and besides, he wasn't sure he even believed it really existed, anyway.
Love. Highly overrated and exaggerated emotion. That much he knew for sure.
Still, when he watched Chris thread his way through the bar and slide into the seat to his right, his heart seemed to skip a beat and he was suddenly grateful for the bar's dim lighting as he was almost sure his face was flushed beet red. If anyone asked, he'd tell them he was feeling hot. He quickly drained his beer and mentally berated himself for acting so foolish.
Buck was floored that Chris had even showed up. Knowing what emotional torture the holidays were to the man, he was completely surprised when Chris had not only accepted the invitation for a beer, but had actually showed up to drink it. Well, whiskey. But still...he was here. And that was amazing considering how mean and ornery the man had been the past weeks. Buck knew though, the anger he displayed was more a veil to hide the hurt of loss.
He looked at Vin, intially confused, then wholly amused by the faint blush that seemed to be staining the man's cheeks. Had to be because of Chris. He chuckled to himself and hoped for Vin's sake that Chris never discovered the little crush their sharpshooter seemed to be carrying. Even though he knew Chris wasn't against the idea of two men sharing sheets, Lord knew he was proof of that, he just couldn't imagine that man even thinking of doing that with Vin. Chris would be...be, what? Well, he wasn't sure exactly how the man would react but figured it would not be a pretty sight.
Vin was, though. It amazed him that he'd never noticed just how blue Vin's eyes were, especially when he wore that faded blue flannel shirt that he was currently wearing.
It was too bad the young man didn't go for tall, dark and exceedingly handsome.
He grinned into his beer mug. Obviously the boy needed to broaden his horizons. Chris, hah. Vin would learn quickly that Chris was a dead-end street when it came to any matters of the heart. He was too wrapped up in the loss of his own wife and child to pay attention to any others buzzing around his head. God knew Mary Travis had tried to land and failed.
No, Chris wasn't noticing much these days. For the past few years, the onset of the holiday season coincided with the onset of Chris's anger at life in general. Christmastime and constant good cheer would be enough to ensure Chris would be in a foul mood for weeks on end.
No, Vin would do better to look elsewhere for companionship.
He smiled again and drank deeply as he looked around the crowded bar to find his own form of companionship. There was to be a huge snowstorm blowing in and he thought it might be fun to be snowed in with someone.
Vin?
Fat chance. By the look of him, there were nothing but thoughts of Chris dancing through that boy's head this holiday season. Though in time, he might make a try down that avenue.
Buck looked for Inez. Just where was that beautiful señorita, anyway? With a nod to the others, he headed for the bar and the woman of his dreams. Or, the woman of tonight's dreams, at least. If only she would see it that way.
At least once.
JD was in hog heaven. Casey Wells, the young woman he'd been sort of seeing for the past few weeks, had just come in with a few of her friends and was signalling for him to join them. He looked to Vin and Chris, both sitting and drinking and not saying a word.
As usual.
"Hey, look. Casey just walked in. I'm uh, going to go see her, maybe see if she wants to get a pizza or something before it starts snowing. So, if you don't mind, I'll, uh, see you guys later. Vin. Chris. 'Night."
"'Kay, night JD." Vin's stomach lurched when he looked around to find he and Chris were the only ones left at the table.
Not that it should bother him.
So what if he was attracted to the man? Wasn't like that was anything new. He could sit here quietly and drink his beer and enjoy just being in the man's presence like always.
It didn't bother him.
He sipped his beer and shook his head. Who was he kidding?
It bothered him a lot.
+ + + + + + +
Downing another shot of whiskey and wondering vaguely how many that made, Chris looked to JD and watched as he finally left with Casey and her friends in tow and felt a sudden pang of longing. He could just picture his college days and the girl who would eventually become his wife.
Sarah.
Memories flashed deep within him and he let himself be surrounded by their warmth and familiarity as they played out in his head. He drained another glass then refilled it and let his forehead drop to the table, his mind full of swirling visions.
A hand rubbed lightly against his shoulder and he thought of his beautiful wife.
Suddenly she was standing there, shaking her head as she laughed. He could see her...could hear her voice as she pointed to his glass.
Does that stuff ever get to tasting better?
She never had been one to drink much.
Sarah?
"Chris?" he heard the voice calling to him from far away.
He looked up to find himself staring into a pair of enormous dark, round eyes.
Beautiful blue eyes.
Sarah's blue eyes.
Wait...that wasn't quite right.
He reached out to touch the face, the one that floated just out of reach and found his hand smacked down to the table.
"Shit, Chris. Y' almost poked out m' eye. Watch what the hell yer doin'."
Vin?
Vin's eyes. Vin had beautiful eyes. He thought he would like to drown himself in those deep indigo eyes.
Chris rubbed his head and winced. What the hell was he thinking?
What time was it? He wondered how long he'd been sitting here at the table...and wondered just how much he'd had to drink. Must be a lot considering he was thinking of Vin's eyes.
Shit.
He remembered there had been muffled conversation happening around him. Seemed like he could remember snarling at Buck and then Vin when they'd both suggested that maybe he'd had enough to drink. Well, they were right. He'd definitely had enough.
He wanted to go home. He needed to get home. Going out to the bar had been a huge mistake. What made him ever think consuming large amounts of alcohol would ease the ache he felt inside. If anything, he now felt even worse than before. He was reminded of all he'd lost and all he'd never be allowed to have.
Sarah.
Vin.
Vin?
Christ. He needed to get home to soak his head.
"Let's get you up. Shit, Chris, you're like dead weight."
Buck's voice.
He turned to the friend who'd known him...before. "Sarah was here," he slurred as he looked up into the blurry face hovering over him.
"Chris," Buck said softly. "Sarah's gone...you know that."
"Yeah, I know," he agreed, nodding his head then wishing he hadn't. "She was here, though."
Buck frowned. "You did more damage to that whiskey than I thought there, pard."
Chris nodded and again wished he could remember not to do that anymore. He caught sight of another figure standing at his side and could just make out the large, dark eyes.
Vin's eyes.
Goddamn eyes.
"I'm fucked, Buck."
"No, you're fucked up. There's a difference."
Chris looked up at the man. "I know."
Standing proved to be somewhat more difficult than he'd thought, but he managed to rise to his feet and stood swaying as he searched his pockets for his keys. A hand appeared at his back and he was nudged toward the door as mu ffled voices sounded all around him.
"What?" he asked bleary-eyed.
Was that Vin?
"It's me, Chris."
Vin.
The gravelly voice spoke beside him as he was guided to his car. No, not his car. Vin's. Vin's Jeep.
"You lettin' Vin drive me home? I can drive better drunk than he can sober," he protested even as his thick tongue refused to allow the words to trip clearly from his own mouth.
"Now that's too close to the truth there, pard," another voice said as he was pulled and pushed into the Jeep. "But at least he's got two eyes open."
Buck this time.
He lay his head against the seat as visions continued to shift through his brain.
First, images of Sarah filled his mind and he watched her and his heart surged. Then, pictures of her twirling with their little boy crept forward and again, the love he felt constricted his chest making it hard to breathe. He watched as the two figures danced and moved and then began to fade. He cried out loud, a soft groan that filled his ears as their bodies vanished from his mind and another's form began to take shape.
Again, a warm hand touched lightly on his shoulder and then was gone, and he peeled open his heavy eyelids to look toward the man seated to his left. He became fascinated by the way the streetlights from the highway shined into the windshield, each transversed band of light briefly illuminating the fine young features before they then plunged back into darkness.
Vin.
With one hand he reached out to caress the silky dark hair worn long to the shoulders and let his fingers briefly play as they wrapped and twined around the soft curls, then his hand fell back to his own lap.
His eyes closed and he breathed softly as a heavy sleep began to pull him away.
+ + + + + + +
Vin was sure he was having a coronary.
What else could explain the frantic beating of his heart?
Chris had groaned in his sleep, and without thinking, he'd reached over and let his hand rest for a moment on the man's shoulder purely in a gesture of comfort and then...
and then...
and then...
he'd found Chris's hand drifting over to begin caressing and playing with his hair. It was only for a moment, but it had happened.
His body stiffened and with a tiny groan, he shifted a little further away from the now sleeping man. It was all he could do to concentrate on the road ahead as his mind kept replaying the feel of those fingers twining into his hair.
What was Chris thinking?
What was he thinking?
He felt the tightening in his jeans and bit his lip. He shouldn't start thinking this way, he reminded himself. Chris had been married, had had a son. Was in no way interested in any stray from the streets. The man was drunk and out of his mind and he would just drive him home, drop him off and then hurry as fast as he could back to the safety of his own apartment.
He felt for Chris, though. Must be hard to spend the holidays all alone, no family.
That made him laugh. Where the hell did that thought come from?
He had never had a family to spend Christmas with. Well, not since his mother had died when he was five. After that, he was just shuffled around from one foster family to another...or worse, there were those times when he found himself back in custody of the youth services people. They never gave much of a damn whether or not it was Christmas.
Still, though. For Chris, it must be very hard to wade through the holidays suddenly alone. To have once had a family to love and be loved in return and then...nothing.
For himself, well, of course you would never miss what you never had. That was the way of most things.
There were those who received and those who didn't.
Vin reckoned he'd always be one of those who didn't.
+ + + + + + +
After fumbling in the dark with one hand searching for the switch, the other trying to hold up a very unsteady Chris, he finally managed to turn on the light that lit up the kitchen of Chris's ranch house.
The drive had been peaceful for Vin. Snow had been falling and there hadn't been too much traffic on the roads once they left Denver. He always enjoyed the ride to Chris's ranch and knew the way by heart.
Chris had slept the entire way and Vin had taken advantage of the allowed closeness to the other man as he let his gaze travel over the handsome features. He could never tire of looking on that man's face and it was nice to see Chris's features look so open and relaxed as they did in repose.
Now, he tried to guide the semi-alert man through the kitchen but found Chris was being less than cooperative as he slowly became more aware.
"I need a drink," the drunk man was saying as they maneuvered past the refrigerator.
"You're already drunk," Vin said and tried to push the man forward, but was pulled back himself. He found himself suddenly wedged between Chris and the large stainless steel wall of the refrigerator at his back.
Chris's face was no less than an inch from his own. A hand touched the tiny droplets in his hair.
"You're drippin'," Chris slurred and caught a few of the wet beads on his finger.
"It's snowin'," Vin breathed. He wouldn't have moved for the world.
"Is it?" Chris turned and headed back toward the door, his stride unbalanced as he all but fell down the few steps to the ground. He managed to right himself and stood outside as he wavered drunkely in the collecting snowfall.
Vin leaned against the doorjamb and watched. He knew he'd replay this moment in his head for days to come as he looked on Chris, dressed all in his usual black and standing unsteadily in the freezing cold while tiny white snowflakes whipped around his body.
Vin shivered as the wind picked up its pace. He figured Chris to have enough whiskey in him to not notice the frigid temperature, but he, himself, was freezing.
"Chris. Larabee. Get inside."
Chris was staring at the snow as it fell.
"Sarah loved the snow," he said quietly and then turned to look at Vin, feeling as though he was almost seeing the man for the first time. He started for the steps leading up to the kitchen's back door.
"You love the snow, Vin?"
Vin shook his head and watched the man advance. Chris seemed suddenly more sober than he had a moment ago and that, for whatever reason, unnerved him.
"Hate it."
Chris reached the top of the step and Vin backed up next to the counter to let him pass.
Only he didn't. Pass, that is.
"What else you hate, Tanner?"
"I don't--I don't hate anything...really..." Vin stammered and hated himself for doing so. When did he start feeling so nervous and what the hell was going on with Chris that had him acting so weird?
"Really?" Chris said and stood even closer to Vin, who leaned backwards enough to feel the hard edge of the granite countertop pressing into his back.
"So," Chris continued, "if I do this, you won't hate it?" He shook himself like a dog, water from melting snow spraying out in every direction.
Vin gasped as the cold droplets showered down on him. He laughed a little, his apprehension showing as he tried to figure out just what it was that had gotten into Chris. That man and playful were two words that never seemed to want to go hand-in-hand. But here he was, near falling down drunk and acting...well, playful.
Chris grinned and looked directly into Vin's eyes. He leaned forward and felt a charge when Vin shifted away from him as though he was uncertain about what move Chris might make. And Chris thrilled that he could cause such a reaction. His alcohol-infused brain was still somewhat muddy, yet the cold had recharged him enough that he felt strangely alive. As though he were watching himself from afar.
He shifted to stare directly into Vin's enormous blue eyes. Eyes that were trying hard not to look directly into his. He reached out a finger.
"Would you hate it if I did this?" he asked and trailed that finger down the side of Vin's face. Vin had closed his eyes and was standing perfectly still.
Chris felt wired.
He let his finger slowly slip down the soft skin of Vin's temple by those closed eyes then traced through the sandpaper stubble of his jawline. He stopped with the tip of his finger under Vin's chin and pushed it upward so the man's face was aligned with his.
"Tell me, Vin. Would you hate it if I did... this?" He leaned down and brushed his lips lightly across Vin's, feeling all at once excited and apprehensive and, Christ...like he had the hottest eletrical current racing through his every nerve.
Was this how Buck felt with every new conquest?
What had made him start this with Vin, he wasn't sure...but for right this minute, right here and now, he wanted it to never end. No one since Sarah had excited him this much and he grinned as he felt the faint stirrings of his erection against the tightness of the black pants.
In the back of his mind, he wondered that maybe he should feel somewhat embarrassed by the whole thing.
But he didn't.
"I've noticed the way you look at me, sometimes. Vin," he said and for that very moment, knew he needed Vin to turn that wide-eyed gaze his way.
"Look at me." Needed to see in the younger man's eyes what he, himself, was feeling.
"Look at me like that, right now."
It hadn't escaped him, the hidden glances and surreptitious looks Vin would send his way when he thought no one was noticing. But Chris had eyes in the back of his head. He always noticed. And if it hadn't been for the memories of Sarah and Adam...maybe he would've considered looking back. Somehow, though, it felt as if he was betraying their memory, betraying the love for his wife, and so he repressed any recognition of the impulses he'd had in the past few months since meeting Vin Tanner.
But not tonight.
+ + + + + + +
Vin couldn't breathe. He was trying, but the air just wasn't coming fast enough into his lungs. He was sure he was going to pass out at any moment and he hoped he wouldn't just keel over on the cold, tile floor right in front of Chris.
Chris was saying something to him, but all he could hear was the snow tinkling against the windows and the beating of his own heart as it seemed to pound in his eardrums when that finger lit upon his face.
Then those wonderfully pouted lips brushed against his and he almost melted onto the floor. His pants tightened as he felt the swell of hard flesh expanding inside, and all the blood from his brain drained away to pool into his groin. LIght-headed and not the least bit sure of himself, he pulled back and opened his eyes to find cloudy green ones peering into his.
Lord, if Chris was drunk enough to be doing this...
He said nothing as he straightened his stance and took a full step away from Chris.
"I really need t' go," he stated, knowing that staying would probably be a terrible mistake. Chris was drunk and didn't know fully what he was doing.
Did he?
Chris reached out a hand and let it slide slowly over Vin's shirt buttons before letting it drop away.
"Really?" Chris asked silently. A part of his subconscious was in a whirlwind, not fully understanding what was motivating his actions. He knew what he was asking of Vin, though, knew he wanted what he asked...
Oh yes, wanted it all.
Vin stammered, saying nothing that made any sense to his own ears. How was it with just one touch, this man had reduced him to nothing more than a blithering idiot?
He had to leave.
"Vin, wait," Chris said, suddenly feeling very sober as he sensed the man about to bolt. "It doesn't have to be...if you really don't want..."
"No, Chris. I do...I just don't--" Vin tried to gather what wits he felt he still had in the face of what was happening.
What exactly was happening?
Chris moved forward and caught Vin by the arms as he slid his hands around the young man's body, holding him firmly to the counter as he pressed his own body forward.
Vin couldn't stand it. As he felt the hands circle his back, he leaned into the hard body and on complete impluse, sure that his brain had just up and abandoned him altogether, he drove his lips to Chris's and rammed his tongue deeply into the wet warmth of the mouth now covering his own.
Chris's eyes opened wide, completely startled by the move. He finished the powerful kiss that Vin started and then they both pulled away, panting hard.
"You want this?" Chris asked of Vin and of himself.
"I...I think...I..." Vin stuttered, feeling as though he were coming apart at the seams.
"It doesn't have to mean a thing, Vin," Chris soothed as he moved in for another kiss. "Not a thing...just one night if--"
Vin pulled hard from the arms that held him and this time, he did step away. He stared at Chris, his own thoughts in turmoil as a tornado of words swept through his mind, one word clearly forming.
"No."
He pulled on his jacket and grabbed his keys as he headed to the door.
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