Disclaimer: I wish, but they are not mine
Special Thanks: To Joy, for reading, correcting, and giving great advice. As always...simply amazing.
WARNING: If you love Mary Travis, you probably don't want to read this. If you can't bear the thought of big trouble for Chris and Vin you probably don't want to read this either.
| Didn't we almost have it all When love was all we had worth giving.... The ride with you was worth the fall, my friend. Loving you made life worth living
Didn't We Almost Have It All |
Bliss. If there was one word to describe Vin Tanner's state of being over the past year, it would have to be bliss. For some reason which Vin could not even begin to fathom, the fates had finally been kind to him. He had a job that he loved, he had co-workers who were not just friends but who had become his family. But most of all, he had been given a gift which he had never dared to hope would ever be a part of his life. Vin was given someone to love and someone to be loved by. That this person would be a man was shocking to the sharp-shooter. That this person would be his best friend and boss was downright earth shattering.It had all started with one look. When blue eyes met green, the connection was undeniable. Vin Tanner and Chris Larabee were soul mates. What had started as a deep bond of friendship had blossomed into feelings of want and love. Vin had been staying at Chris's ranch, recovering from a bullet wound that nearly killed him on the last bust that Team 7 had been involved in. For the rest of his life, Vin would never forget how he felt when Chris told him that he was in love with him. The realization that either one of them could be taken away forever made both men acknowledge that time was fleeting and what they felt for each other was real and it was love, pure and simple.
Vin smiled when he thought back to the early days of his relationship with Chris. The first kiss. It started out as awkward and sweet but soon turned deep and passionate. Making love for the first time. Both of them shy and nervous. Not sure what to do and a little bit afraid to do what they both wanted. As time went on and they both knew each other as well as they knew themselves, their lovemaking became an extension of that knowledge. There were times when they were slow and gentle and there were times when they were passionate and wild. It was bliss. So now, Vin wondered, what could have possibly gone wrong.
Over the past few months Vin had noticed that Chris was on edge. It wasn't that Chris seemed mad at Vin or unhappy with him, he just didn't seem at ease with Vin lately. Vin knew that their relationship could be difficult at times. There would always be people who couldn't accept two men loving each other in the way that Vin and Chris did. But he didn't think that was the problem. After all, the people who mattered, Team 7, were happy for them and accepted them. No, it was something else. Chris seemed almost desperate in his lovemaking to Vin. He kept telling Vin to remember that no matter what, he would always love him. Vin just could not shake the feeling the fate was about to kick him in the ass again.
Being a Tanner, he always met things head on, no matter how difficult it may be. The decision made, Vin got up from his desk and was about to head into Chris' s office, when Mary Travis walked off the elevator and marched into that very office without taking notice of any of Team 7 sitting at their desks.
"Wonder what has her all in a tizzy?"
"Don't know, Bucklin, but I reckon we'll find out soon enough" Vin said, as he returned to his desk.
Even though the office door was closed, they could all make out the sounds of the muffled voices. Obviously, neither Chris nor Mary was all that happy with whatever was going on, because even though the guys could not make out what was being said, they sure could tell the volume was a bit high.
After what seem an eternity to Vin, Mary finally came out of the office. When she reached Vin's desk she stopped dead in her tracks. Never taking her eyes off of him, she called to Chris to come out of the office. When Chris was behind her, she put on her sweetest smile.
"Boys, Chris and I have some wonderful news to tell you."
Chris's face completely paled. He looked at Vin and then back at Mary.
"Don't. Mary , please. Not yet. I need to talk to Vin"
"Nonsense Chris. There's no time like the present. Chris and I are going to have a baby. Isn't it just wonderful?"
When Mary looked at Vin and saw the devastation in his eyes, her eyes lit up in triumph. She leaned over his desk and whispered to him, "all's fair in love and war Vin. You lose."
All eyes were on the sharpshooter. Vin looked up at Chris, uncomprehending and trying to deny to himself what he knew to be true. Vin searched Chris's face, needing to look into Chris's eyes. But Chris could not bring himself to look at Vin. He couldn't bear to look in his eyes and see the hurt and misery that his betrayal had caused his beloved soul mate. Vin felt the walls closing in on him. He had to get away from all this. He grabbed his coat and stormed out of the office. Never looking at anyone.
Mary looked at Chris with a smug smile and left the office. With his head bowed Chris went back to his office, shutting the door behind him. The rest of Team 7 sat at their desks in stunned silence. Each man was lost in thier thoughts. Each knowing that the very foundations of Team 7 were rocked to the core. Each fearing that this was the end of Team 7 as they knew it. But mostly, each man feeling pain in their hearts for Vin Tanner. All of the men knowing that they would never forget the look of heartbreak and loss that they saw in Vin's eyes. Things would never be the same and they all mourned the passing of the way things were and would never be again.
Vin spent a few hours just driving around Denver. He had given up his apartment in Purgatorio when he wanted to show Chris how committed he was to their relationship. At the time he had no regrets about leaving his place and moving in with Chris at the ranch. Why would he? He thought what they had was forever. Damn, Tanner. When are ya ever gonna learn. Ya just ain't meant to be happy he thought bitterly. He decided to go to a hotel. He needed to think and he just couldn't look at Chris right now. Thankfully it was Friday so he would have some time to figure out what to do.
Vin found himself at the ranch on Sunday morning. When he went into the house he was saddened by the way he felt being there. This was their home. It was the only place that he ever felt he truly belonged in. It was safety and warmth. It was contentment for a soul that spend most of his time wandering. This was a place of friendship and love. The likes of which Vin knew he would never see or feel again. Now it was just a painful reminder of all that was taken from him.
Vin made his way to their bedroom. God, his heart was hurting. He sensed Chris come into the room. He felt the weight of disappointment and sorrow settle into his soul. He didn't want to see Chris. At this moment he just wanted to disappear. But that was not his way. He reached deep into himself and summoned the courage to face Chris and to face his fear of what was to come.
"Vin. I'm...I mean I don't...Damn it...I don't know what to say."
Vin felt the anger that he had been keeping inside boil to the surface.
"How about the truth, Chris. How could you do this to me? How could you be with me and say you love me...hell, make love to me? Explain this to me Chris...I need to know"
"I'm so sorry, Vin. Just so...sorry."
"How long has this been going on Chris?"
"A couple of months ago, when you were away for a week at that seminar. Well, Mary had come by the ranch so that Billy could do some riding. It was a nice day and Mary invited me to dinner the next night as a thank-you for spending the time with Billy. She said she figured with you away, I'd be lonely and bored. I went, but dinner turned out to be just the two of us. We started talking about family life and children. We talked about Sarah and Adam...and the more we talked, the more I drank and one thing lead to another...and well, you know the rest. God Vin. It was like it wasn't even Mary that I was sleeping with...It was just all the memories of my family...I was thinking of Sarah and then I was thinking of you. Next morning, I got up and left. That was the only time...I'd hoped that would be the end of it...I was going to tell ya, and I hoped you could forgive me. Then about a month ago, Mary told me she was having my baby."
The more Chris talked, the more Vin felt himself losing control of his anger. As soon as Chris finished, Vin flew across the room and with a fist loaded with hurt and rage, hit Chris with a shot right in the face. Vin stood over Chris, who was on his hands and knees trying to shake off the effects of the punch.
"Don't ya dare say you were thinkin' of me...or of Sarah. This whole mess started because you wern't thinkin' at all." Vin looked down at Chris and inspite of all that he was feeling, reached out and offered Chris a hand.
"Just one time, huh Chris? Hell, I guess the wrong one of us is the sharpshooter...One time and bullseye, ya got yerself a new family."
Vin could not keep the bitterness and hurt out of all he was saying, but then his voice softened as he asked, "are ya in love with her?" Chris looked at Vin, it tore him up inside to see the blue eyes in so much torment. He looked right into those eyes. "No, Vin. I'm not in love with Mary. I've only been in love with two people in my life. One I lost to death. One, I'm about to lose to my own stupidity."
Vin went to the closet and got out his duffel bag. As he started to pack his clothes he stopped and said to Chris, "okay, so ya don't love Mary. But ya already do love this baby, don't ya?" Chris looked down at the floor and then brought his eyes up to meet Vins. "Yes I do Vin. I can't lie to you or to myself about that. I love the idea of being a father and I want to be a part of this baby's life."
"So tell me Chris, where do I fit into this happy little family ya just got yerself?" Chris's eyes said what he could not voice to Vin. "Ah, so there it is then. I don't fit into this picture at all. So Mary made ya choose. It's really a sick game Chris. Pick Vin or your baby? I got blindsided by a game I didn't even know I was playing and I end up losing everything...God, how could you Chris?"
Vin had finished packing up his belongings. He took only the things he originally brought to the ranch with him. As he was about to walk out the door, he stopped and stood next to Chris. With tears silently falling from his eyes, Vin looked into Chris's eyes and then gave him a slow and tender last kiss. He grasped Chris's arm in their familiar way. "Chris, be happy." Chris pulled Vin back to him and whispered to him, "I was happy, Vin. I'm sorry. God, I love you so much." Vin pulled away. "I know Chris, and that's the saddest part of all of this...that's what breaks my heart most of all."
Vin pulled his jeep over to the side of the road at the end of Chris's property. He looked up to the heavens and he let the tears flow. "I got nothin' left fer ya ta take." His voice was filled with anguish as he tried to understand why he was left alone again..."Why? Why did ya give him to me, only to take him away. Why?" God, so this is what it felt like to be dead, he thought.
He hadn't had much to eat in the past few days, but he leaned out the door of the jeep and lost what little he had in him. He suffered with dry heaves and then he allowed himself to cry. He cried for the soul he felt dying inside of him, for the heart that was broken and for the life that was now shattered.
When he finally let it all out he actually found himself having to smile. Even with all the pain he was in at the moment, he knew that given the choice and knowing what he now knew, he would still do it all over again.
"Damn, Cowboy. It was a hell of a ride. And the ride was worth the fall."
Vin drove away from the ranch and he headed for the highway that would take him away from Denver. Vin never looked back...
The End...?????
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